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MANUFACTURED FIRINGS
by NIKI GOSS (NIKKELGOSS@HOTMAIL.COM)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED

I host a monthly open mic. One of the features of the open mic is my little skit that I write and randomly pull people from the audience to perform. It always a lot fun, but I'm not a professional. Now that I've written several I wonder if I'm any good and how I could get better. I mean if I'm writing skit frequently I may as well do it right.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

INT. FRONT DESK OF LAWSONS MANUFACTURED HOMES - DAY
                                                            
BIANCA IS SITTING AT THE FRONT DESK..STARTING HER WORK DAY.
When Mr. Lawson walks in
                                                            
                       BIANCA
      (gets up from her
       desk smiling and
       hands him a cup
       of coffee)
Good morning Mr. Lawson. I hope
you had a nice weekend
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
      (takes cup with a
       smile back)
Good morning Bianca. Yes I had a
nice weekend. I trust your was
good also?
                                                            
                       BIANCA
      (sitting back her
       desk)
Yes mine was fine and I'm ready
for the week here at Lawsons
MANUFACTURED homes..You have a
busy day today sir. Your new
assistant should be arriving
shortly
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
Good. I certainly could use her.
Wait is it a woman?
                                                            
                       BIANCA
Yes sir it is a woman..and she
should be arriving shortly
according to Michelle
                                                            
                       BIANCA
      (shrugs innocently
       as she says..)
BUT THEN AGAIN. MICHELLE SO BUSY
BEING EVIL YOU CAN NEVER KNOW..
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
Is Michelle being evil Bianca?
                                                            

2.

                       BIANCA
      (sweetly and
       innocently..)
Yes sir..she is..but I won't let
it change my sunny disposition
sir. I'll bring your new assistant
to your office as soon as she
arrives
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
Thank you Bianca..what would I do
without you..and thank you for
this lovely cup of joy. I think
you need a raise..I'll talk to
Michelle
                                                            
                       BIANCA
      (sly grin)
Oh sir thank you. I sure could use
it. Have a wonderful day Mr.
Lawson
                                                            
 
INT. THE NEW ASSISTANT GETS ACQUAINTED WITH LAWSONS - DAY
                                                            
MICHELLE WALKS IN WITH MALINDA (LINDA). BIANCA IS AT THE
DESK. LOOKING DOWN AT PAPERWORK..SHE KNOWS MICHELLE IS THERE
BUT SHE HATES MICHELLE AND ALWAYS IGNORES HER FOR THE FIRST
5 MINUTES
                                                            
                       MICHELLE
      (TRYING TO BE
       CHEERFUL)
Good Morning Bianca. Is Mr.Lawson
in already?
                                                            
Bianca doesn't even look up
                                                            
                       MICHELLE
      (clears throat)
Let me try this again...Good
Morning Bianca is Mr. Lawson in?
                                                            
Bianca throws more shade ignores Michelle. Michelle looks at
Malinda and mouths the words...SAY GOOD MORNING
                                                            
                       LINDA
      (SPEAKS POLITELY)
Good morning. My name is Malinda
                                                            
before she finishes her sentence..Bianca acknowledges her
pleasantly
                                                            

3.

                       BIANCA
Well Good Morning Ma'am..I'm so
sorry I was so engulfed in my work
I didn't even see you standing
there..you look very lovely..what
a pretty color on you. Would you
like some coffee or Tea?
                                                            
                       LINDA
      (surprised
       slightly)
Well, thank you for your
compliment and why yes I would
love some tea.
                                                            
Michelle rolls her eyes and begins to walk away.
                                                            
                       MICHELLE
      (under her breathe)
ol bitch
                                                            
Bianca quickly scoots up to Michelle before getting Linda's
coffee
                                                            
                       BIANCA
Call me a bitch again..and I'll
tell Mr. Lawson that Trailer story
I overheard you telling
                                                            
                       MICHELLE
      (SHOCKED BUT
       WHISPERING)
I HAVE NOT TOLD ANY
TTTT...(stutters but doesn't say
the word) stories of the sort..and
you know it!!
                                                            
                       BIANCA
      (slyly)
Yeah..but Mr. Lawson doesn't and
he knows I wouldn't lie...so watch
it..bitch. evil laugh
                                                            
Michelle walks off shaking her head..Bianca grabs the tea
and hands it to Linda
                                                            
                       BIANCA
Our HR person can be so rude. I
didn't get your name. But I am
Bianca Walker. The receptionist
and all around go to person. If
you need to know about Lawson
MANUFACTURED homes..I'm your go to
girl..and if you want to know
            (MORE)

4.

                       BIANCA (cont'd)
anything else...I'm your go to
girl.
                                                            
                       LINDA
      (offers hand for
       handshake)
Well nice to meet you Bianca My
name is Malinda Brown. But every
one calls me Linda..you can if you
like. I'm starting today as Mr.
Lawson's new assistant..any tips
before you take me to him.
                                                            
                       BIANCA
Mr. Lawson is a great easy going
boss. Very understanding and easy
to work for..but there is one
thing..
                                                            
Pushes Linda to the side for a little low voice conversation
                                                            
                       BIANCA
There is one thing..Mr. Lawson
grandfather started this
manufactured home business back in
the 1900s and he was very
particular about calling them
manufactured homes...
                                                            
looks around as if she's about to tell a government secret
to a russian spy
                                                            
                       BIANCA
See some people look at our
product and call them...TRAILERS
or MOBILE HOMES..
                                                            
                       LINDA
      (looks confused)
thats what they are..aren't they?
                                                            
                       BIANCA
      (with shock and
       disgust)
GIRL NO!!!!!!!!!
                                                            
                       BIANCA
      (looks around)
OK yes they are...but don't ever
ever let Mr. Lawson hear you call
them that...that'll be your
head..and ass...ok??
                                                            

5.

                       LINDA
      (
       understanding..shakes
       head yes)
I understand..yes these are
manufactured homes...nothing like
that other stuff..that we will
never mention
                                                            
                       BIANCA
      (smiles)
Smart girl..Now lets take you to
meet your new boss..you're going
to love it here
                                                            
Mr. Lawson is at his desk..Bianca and Linda walk in
                                                            
                       BIANCA
Mr. Lawson. This is Malinda Brown
your new assistant. She doesn't
mind if you call her Linda
tho..right Linda?
                                                            
                       LINDA
      (smiles and
       extends hand
       toward Mr Lawson)
Yes that's right Bianca..Thank
you..Please to meet you Boss
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
      (shakes hand)
The pleasure is all mine..Welcome
to LAWSON'S MANUFACTURED
HOMES..and please call me Mr.
Lawson.
                                                            
                       LINDA
      (smile)
Thanks Mr. Lawson. I'm excited to
work for a family owned business
that been around for such a long
period of time
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
Yes My grandfather started it long
ago. And he would be just as proud
as I am to have you aboard. Let's
take you to meet some of the
staff..
                                                            

6.

                       LINDA
I would love to. Thank you. Thank
you Bianca
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
yes thank you Bianca that will be
all for now.
                                                            
                       BIANCA
Ok you're both welcome. Oh and Mr.
Lawson don't forget to talk to
Michelle about that raise
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
Of course Bianca. I'll have my new
assistant Linda handle it later
today..
                                                            
 
INT. ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
We'll start with accounting. My
sister works there with our CFO Ms
Josie Johnson. Josie is very
intelligent and analytical. I
think you'll like her
                                                            
                       LINDA
Great! Can't wait to meet your
sister
                                                            
Although its early in the morning The CFO Josie Johnson and
her assistant (the boss' sister) are having beers and drinks
in the morning..Mr. Lawson and Linda walk in. Linda is
surprised but Mr. Lawson acts as if its commonplace..because
it is..
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
Good morning Josie and Caroline.
                                                            
                       JOSIE
      (slightly
       intoxicated)
Good morning Mr. Lawson. How was
your day..wait I mean weekend..it
is Monday right?
                                                            
                       CAROLINE
Hey Earl..did you talk to Mom
yet..she keeps bitching about some
fungus on her toe..or
                                                            

7.

                       MR. LAWSON
      (CUTS CAROLINE OFF)
Caroline..you know the rules..now
stop misbehaving
                                                            
                       CAROLINE
      (apologetically)
Sorry Ear..I mean Sorry Mr.
Lawson. Hey What brings you to
accounting..did you find that
offshore account I opened?
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
Hahaha Caroline..very funny. No I
want you both to meet my new
assistant Linda Brown
                                                            
                       JOSIE
Oh thats right you did have to let
the other one go..what was her
name Valerie?
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
Yes Valerie broke the rules. Linda
this is Josie Johnson CFO of
Lawson's Manufactured Homes
                                                            
                       LINDA
      (shakes Josie's
       hand)
Nice to meet you Ms. Johnson
                                                            
                       JOSIE
Please call me Josie. Nice to meet
you Linda..come by later we'll
have a sip of champagne to
celebrate your coming aboard.
                                                            
Caroline hasn't put her cup/beer down the entire time and
doesn't to shake Linda's hand
                                                            
                       JOSIE
This is my assistant and Mr.
Lawson's sister Caroline..
                                                            
                       CAROLINE
Nice to meet you Linda..I hope you
like it here..
                                                            

8.

                       LINDA
      (looking confused)
Uh..hi Caroline. Very nice to meet
you both..Josie..you say Champagne
later? After work?
                                                            
                       JOSIE
      (laughs..)
OH no we'll do it in the lunch
room there should be a few bottles
in the refrigerator..say about
12:30..If Caroline doesn't drink
it all before then
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
      (shaking head)
Don't mind them Linda..they like
to have the breakfast of champions
every morning which is beer and
vodka.
                                                            
in unison Caroline and Josie correct Mr. Lawson
                                                            
                       JOSIE
      (INSULTED)
BOURBON..not Vodka
                                                            
                       CAROLINE
      (indignant)
BOURBON...not Vodka
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
      (laughs..)
Whatever..Josie you must have
forgotten about the 12:30
meeting..so make sure both you and
Caroline are there..we can still
toast our new colleague then.see
you ladies later
                                                            
                       JOSIE
We'll be there..12:30 sharpish..
                                                            
Linda and Mr. Lawson walk away..as Linda asks...
                                                            
                       LINDA
So we are allowed to drink at our
desk?
                                                            

9.

                       MR. LAWSON
Oh sure..there's a fully stocked
bar in the lunchroom. Help
yourself..but on Fridays we have a
bartender so make sure to tip her
                                                            
                       LINDA
      (baffled)
Well ok..thats awfully nice. Never
worked for a company like that. I
think I'll really like it here
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
I'm sure you will..Lets go over to
Marketing.
                                                            
 
INT. MARKETING - DAY
                                                            
The marketing department and Vera Campbell is in her office
making out with her assistant Shawn Campbell..heated
scene..its about to go down in this office..when Mr. Lawson
walks in
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
      (clears throat
       looking slightly
       embarrassed)
Ummm..Vera..I have someone I want
you to meet..
                                                            
Linda is covering her eyes..Vera gets up smooths her
clothes..Shawn just moves away sort of looking around the
room as if he/she has lost a file or pen or something..
                                                            
                       VERA
      (like nothing
       happened)
Good morning Mr. Lawson. I have
great new the marketing reports
show that our new social media
campaign is effective market share
is up 8% and growing
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
      (happy)
That's great new Vera..Have Shawn
send over the detailed analysis as
soon as possible. I would like to
talk about in the 12:30 meeting
today
                                                            

10.

Vera looks at Shawn seductively..Shawn takes it in as if
he/she is bored
                                                            
                       VERA
      (seductively,
       sweetly)
Shaawwwnnn...please get Mr. Lawson
those facts and figures
immediately.
                                                            
                       SHAWN
      (sounding and
       appearing bored)
Right away..Good Morning Mr.
Lawson
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
Good Morning Shawn..allow me to
introduce you to my new assistant
before you get that report for me.
This is Linda Brown
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
Linda..Shawn is Vera's assistant
here in Marketing if you need
anything just ask her/him
                                                            
Linda offers her hand..then changes her mind..She has a
feeling that hand has been in Vera's panties..
                                                            
                       LINDA
Nice to meet you Shawn.
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
      (turning towards
       Vera)
and this is Vera Campbell Vice
President of Marketing. Vera this
is Linda Brown my new assistant.
                                                            
In unison Vera and Linda greet each other politely
                                                            
                       LINDA
Nice to meet you
                                                            
                       VERA
Nice to meet you
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
I'll see you and Shawn at the
12:30 meeting..and please..don't
be late
                                                            

11.

                       VERA
We won't be sir. See you at 12:30
                                                            
 
INT. THE IT DEPARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
Mr. Lawson and Linda head to the next department. The IT
department
                                                            
                       LINDA
      (baffled)
Ummm Mr. Lawson did I see what I
thought I saw going on in that
office
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
      (matter of factly)
Yes. Vera and Shawn have a thing
for each other..Well Vera has a
thing for Shawn and Shawn has a
thing for a paycheck but I guess
it works for them
                                                            
                       LINDA
But isn't that a sexual
harrassment suit waiting to
happen?
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
Yes. We have a special Vera fund
for just those types of suits. She
always getting us in trouble with
EEOC because of her sexual
appetite.
                                                            
                       LINDA
      (very confused)
Oh..OK..where are we off to now
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
The IT department. We have to make
sure you're all set up
electronically. Its right this way
                                                            
The reach the IT department and Adele and Yolanda are in the
office smoking weed.
                                                            
                       ADELE
      (choking slightly)
Dam..Yogi..this is some good
weed..where'd you get this..
                                                            

12.

                       ADELE
      (looking extra
       blowed)
I gotta get an ounce of this.
                                                            
                       YOLANDA
I know you high calling me Yogi..I
hate that. I got this weed from
Englewood.
                                                            
Yolanda looks up see Mr. Lawson..hits the blunt/joint two
times then goes to put it out..but hits it one more time
before she actually does and speaks at the same time
                                                            
                       YOLANDA
Good morning Mr. Lawson. How are
you today sir
                                                            
                       ADELE
      (high as hell)
Good morning Mr. L..how you doing
                                                            
Linda is covering her nose and mouth. Her eyes are bucked in
disbelief
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
      (waving the smoke
       away from his
       face)
I'm great Ladies. Just wanted to
introduce you to my new assistant
Linda Brown. And make sure you had
her all set up in the system
                                                            
Adele offers her hand but Linda is hesitant to take her hand
down from her nose and mouth. She doesn't want to catch a
contact..but she relents and takes down one hand while the
other cover her mouth and nose..She talks with her mouth
covered the whole time
                                                            
                       ADELE
      (offering her hand)
Oh yes. Michelle sent over the
request on Friday. She's all set.
Her cell phone should be here
today when Fedex comes. Hi I'm
Adele Langham
                                                            
                       LINDA
      (shaking hand
       while covering
       mouth and talking
       through a covered
       mouth)
            (MORE)

13.

                       LINDA (cont'd)
Nice to meet you Adele.
                                                            
                       ADELE
This is my assistant Yolanda
Little. Yolanda, Linda Brown.
                                                            
                       YOLANDA
      (bubbly but hi)
Hey there Li Li
                                                            
                       ADELE
don't mind her. She nicknames
everyone but hates her own
nickname. Ain't that right Yogi
                                                            
                       YOLANDA
Yogi is a man's name Dele..I don't
wanna be a man..
                                                            
                       YOLANDA
      (handing Linda the
       joint)
Wanna hit this..(looks for
lighter) I got a lighter here
somewhere
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
      (still waving)
There no time for that..We have a
meeting in about 45 minutes..be
there..and not on cloud 9 either
when you get there..you two are
gonna set the fire sprinklers
off..see you at the meeting. 12:30
                                                            
                       ADELE
12:30 it is..See you then sir.
                                                            
 
INT. THE MEETING - DAY
                                                            
EVERYONE IS IN THE MEETING..MICHELLE, BIANCA, MR. LAWSON,
LINDA, VERA, SHAWN, ADELE, JOSIE, CAROLINE AND
YOLANDA..JOSIE AND CAROLINE GOT DRINKS/CUP...SHAWN AND VERA
ARE HOLDING HANDS...ADELE AND YOLANDA LOOK HIGH AND ARE
EATING CHIPS BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE MUNCHIES..EVERYBODY CAN
SMELL THE WEED ON THEIR CLOTHES
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
OK. Time for the state of the
company report.Josie..you first.
                                                            

14.

Before Josie can say something..Caroline speaks
                                                            
                       CAROLINE
      (excited)
Before Josie gives the detail I
just want to say income is up and
we have cut expense successfully.
It was real smart to cut the in
house cleaners and TAILOR..it was
a truly unnecessary expense..
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
      (ANGRY)
Caroline..you always go to
far..Clean out your desk YOU'RE
FIRED!
                                                            
Linda is shocked..Everyone else isn't shocked but shake
their heads because Caroline knows better..Caroline looks
slightly stunned
                                                            
                       CAROLINE
      (stuttering)
But Earl...I said TAILOR
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
      (STILL
       ANGRY..YELLING)
I HEARD YOU LOUD AND CLEAR...GET
OUT..and Mom can't help you..Get
out of here.
                                                            
Caroline leaves
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
      (calmly)
Now...Josie as you were saying.
                                                            
Josie thinks about her words carefully
                                                            
                       JOSIE
      (clear throat)
Well. Like Caroline said the cuts
have worked. We also came up with
a new plan for the charity. We are
collecting donations for the
charity. Whoever collects the
most..wins tickets to a great play
that just hit town about the
famous reggae musician Bob Marley
and the Wailers..
                                                            

15.

                       JOSIE
      (trying to recant
       that last word)
I mean a play about Bob
Marley..nobody else..just Bob
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
      (IRATE)
JOSIE!!!! Evidently there is too
much BOURBON in that cup..YOU ARE
FIRED...get all your bottles and
get out. And take Bob Marley with
you..
                                                            
Josie leaves while drinking out of her cup
                                                            
                       JOSIE
Fine..and guess what Earl...Bob
Marley and THE WAILERS..is a great
group..ask Smokey and Craig over
there..
                                                            
Linda is buck eyed with bewilderment..she is stunned..
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
      (deep breath..then
       calmly)
OK Vera..whats going on in
Marketing
                                                            
                       VERA
Well the social marketing campaign
is going very well. We also got
the movie theater to add our short
infomercial to the information
they show before the movie
trailers
                                                            
Realizing she said trailer...She stands up and prepare to
walk out..she turns to Shawn
                                                            
In unison...VERA AND MR LAWSON SAY...YOU'RE FIRED..VERA IS
TALKING TO SHAWN..MR. LAWSON IS TALKING TO VERA
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
YOU'RE FIRED!
                                                            
                       VERA
YOU'RE FIRED
                                                            
SHAWN STILL LOOKING EXTREMELY BORED..GETS UP AS HE/SHE WALKS
OUT..SHE SAYS
                                                            

16.

                       SHAWN
OK then..I'll have my lawyer call
you Mr. Lawson..have a great day
everyone..nice meeting you Linda
                                                            
As Vera leaves..
                                                            
                       VERA
      (seductively)
Wait..Shawn..I was just
playing..where you going baby..
                                                            
linda really wonders what is wrong with this place she works
at..Looks over at Adele and Yolanda and they are half
sleep..Bianca catches Linda's eye and mouths the word..I
TOLD YOU..
                                                            
                       BIANCA
      (WHISPERING)
I TOLD YOU..THAT WORD IS FORBIDDEN
                                                            
                       LINDA
      (WHISPERS BACK)
But they never said the word..it
just rhymed..plus I saw other
stuff that was way worse
                                                            
                       BIANCA
      (out the side of
       her mouth)
Not here!
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
Michele..what's going on in HR.
                                                            
                       MICHELLE
Well I hired a new company to
handle our payroll. The Payer
Company was cheaper..
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
      (cutting Michele
       off)
Michele..Your service are no
longer needed..You're fired
                                                            
                       MICHELLE
      (shoots an evil
       look at Bianca)
BITCH
                                                            
Michele leaves.
                                                            

17.

                       MR. LAWSON
      (apologetically)
Linda I'm sorry you had to witness
that. I have no idea what's going
on with my staff..or should I say
former staff..Adele..your report
please
                                                            
                       ADELE
      (realizing she has
       a word that
       rhymes with
       trailer)
Mr. Lawson we had some
applications fail..we call
them...ummm..what's the word I'm
looking for Yolanda?
                                                            
                       YOLANDA
      (bubbly)
Oh Delly..you're so silly..they're
called application failers..
                                                            
                       ADELE
      (gasps)
yes..that is what they are called
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
      (PISSED)
Yolanda..get you and your blunts
and get out of my company
                                                            
                       YOLANDA
      (bubbly)
Right away sir..and by the
way..YOU SELL TRAILERS!! I SAID
IT..(WALKS AWAY SINGING)TRAILORS
TRAILORS TRAILORS
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
      (indignant)
And I was always so kind to that
misfit
                                                            
                       ADELE
      (shakes her head
       and get up to
       leave)
(as she walks away)Uhh..Yogi..I
need the number for your peeps in
Englewood..wait..leave me a joint
or something
                                                            

18.

Just Mr. Lawson, Bianca and Linda are left
                                                            
                       BIANCA
      (getting up..)
I'll call the employment placement
agency right away sir..get some
new resumes over here..
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
Thank you very much Bianca..Soon
as we get a new HR person. I'm
going to give you a raise
                                                            
                       BIANCA
      (walking away)
thank you sir ..I sure could use
it
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
Well Linda..lets get to work..back
to the office. One of the first
things you have to do is go over
any warranty request calls we've
received. Our Manufactured homes
are covered by an extensive
warranty we make all repairs free
of charge. you just have to get
the address and send out the
repair crew
                                                            
                       LINDA
Ok sir..I'll get right on it
                                                            
Linda looks at the paperwork on her desk and get the name
and number of the first person she has to call
                                                            
                       LINDA
      (professionally)
Hello May I speak to Mrs. Warner.
Good afternoon Mrs.Warner. My name
is Linda Brown and I'm calling
from Lawson's Manufactured Homes.
I've read your warranty request
and we want to get a repair crew
over to you as soon as tomorrow.
What's your address
                                                            
As Linda listens..she slap her head with her hand..
                                                            
                       LINDA
Yes..I have your address..15203
Woods..Harvey Trailor Park
                                                            

19.

Mr. Lawson can't be seen but you hear him say...
                                                            
                       MR. LAWSON
      (yelling)
LINDA...YOU'RE FIRED
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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