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Alma Murder
by Matt Kimbro (kimbro.matt72@gmail.com)

Rated: PG   Genre: Comedy   User Review:

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


Hi there everyone! Some of you may
remember me. My name is Henry
Wallowitz and I'm your class
president! Welcome, welcome.
Welcome to the Ponderosa High
School Reunion of the class of
'83! We're going to go ahead and
get started with some
entertainment. Some of you may
remember her from French Club,
please give a warm round of
applause to Wendy Howard!
At this point, some form of entertainment will come on stage
and perform. It doesn't necessarily have to be a girl, it
can be anyone with a talent they'd like to showcase. From
juggling to magic to dancing, it's all acceptable. As this
is a class reunion, a talent portion is not uncommon. In
fact, it doesn't even have to be good. It should be either
awesome or laughably terrible. By the end of this
entertainment, drinks should be served.
Thank you Wendy, that was
fantastic/...interesting! We'll be
seeing more talent throughout the
night, ultimately leading up to a
show-stopping finale by my wife
and I! Kat, can you come up here.?
Kat comes on stage.
Thanks, hun! It's so great to see
some of you again!
Class of 1983 Valedictorian, Kat
Wilson everyone! Alrighty, I'm
going to turn it over to-
As Kat comes on stage, Biff enters the Cafeteria with
Scarlett on his arm. He is dressed in a polo shirt tucked
into his gym shorts. He has a whistle around his neck.
Either he couldn't be bothered to change that day, or more
likely he only owns that one outfit. Scarlett, on the other
hand, is dressed beautifully. Clearly she spent a great deal


of time on her appearance that day. It is lightly evident
that she doesn't get out much, so this night is very
important to her.
      (yelling across
       the Caf)
Wallowitz? No way! Wallowitz is
Ah, welcome Biff. I'm sure you all
remember our football captain,
Biff McGruffle.
      (still yelling)
I can't believe Wallowitz would
show his face here! Wallowitz, you
lost your virginity yet?!
Biff, I have two kids with Kat.
That ain't a yes!
      (trying to get
       things back on
Alright, I'm going to pass things
off now. Let's welcome the current
principal of Ponderosa High
School, Leah Mathers!
Biff has found his seat, but is still being obnoxious.
Mathers comes to stage and Henry and Kat leave.
Hello, my name is Leah Mathers.
I'm sure many of you remember your
principal Mr. Proctor, but I took
over from his successor back in
1992 and since then the El Dorado
School Board and its lesser board


Excuse meeee! I don't mean to be
rude, but that's incredibly boring
and you are boring and I hate you.
      (taken aback)
Well, I don't know-
I'm sure you all remember me! My
name is Coco and I was the head
      (standing up)
Cocoa Puff? Oh my god! It's been
so long. How you been? Jeez, you
been keepin' it tight.
Biff... I heard you're working
here now.
As they talk, the principal stands at the microphone,
shocked that these two would be so rude. She looks back and
forth in a delightful mixture of shock and terror.
Oh yeah! Gotta make sure these
little shits don't break my
wrestling record!
I had nearly forgotten how often
you bring up that wrestling
Well, I did go All-State Champ
      (standing up now)
Biff, you're making a scene. Are
we just here so that you can flirt
with your old high school fling?!
Fling? OLD?! Biff, this must be
the actress.


That's right, I am an actress. So
Ladies, there's no need to fight.
You never said, Biff. What kind of
movies does she make?
      (taking out his
       camera phone)
If you guys are gonna start
throwing punches, then do it in
the light.
      (finally chiming
Well how about we get the first
course out here?
Salads begin to fill the room as everyone screams in a
green, leafy terror.
Now then, let's move on with the
festivities. I'm sure you will
remember probably the most famous
of your classmates. He was your
peer, then went on to create the
internet with Al Gore or something
nerdy like that. Ladies and
gentlemen, Jeremy Alan Prather!
Jerry approaches the microphone. He is clearly only here to
brag about his wealth and success.
      (he speaks
       directly into the
I was placed in a trash can on
more occasions than can be counted
on all of my fingers and one of my
toes. That's twelve times. You
know what else happened twelve
times? I've married twelve
different supermodels. How about
that Biff?! My net worth has to be
counted by a small African nation
that I have on retainer. My


                       JERRY (cont'd)
dentists lives on an island that
all of you are not even allowed to
know about. You ever heard of
Africa 2? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Mathers slowly comes up and pries the overzealous nerd from
his soap box.
      (being pried away)
My apologies, ladies and
gentleman. We knew Jerry as a much
more level headed man, but
apparently spending that much time
staring at a computer screen
really does turn your brain to
mush. As a precaution, we should
restrain from making any silly
faces as the possibility exists
that they will indeed get stuck
like that.
There is tension in the room. Evidently, the mood is not the
only thing that will be killed tonight. The lights cut out
just before a gunshot is heard and there is a scream of
unknown origin. The thought crosses everyone's mind that
maybe Coco meant to imply that Scarlett was making adult
movies. One man chuckles silently to himself in the
Everyone just stay calm, it's
probably just a technical
From the blackness, we hear the janitor yell out.
This ain't no technical
malfunction like I ever seen!
The lights come back on. Henry is on the center of the
stage, face down.
      (coming onstage)
Henry?! Henry, are you alright?


He sits up and says "Yes, just a power nap." I'm kidding, of
course. He's dead as disco.
Move back! Let me check for a
Scarlett charges on stage with Biff in tow. She pushes Kat
and Mathers out of the way based on a sense of authority she
has not earned.
Is he dead?!
Babe, maybe we should get out of
There's no pulse... He's... He's
Oh no!
More than that... there's a bullet
hole. He was murdered!
This has just become a MURDER
Scarlett looks to the audience and winks with
I told ya ain't wasn't no
technical mal-whoseitwhutsit.
Look, I got a warrant out in
Florida, I can't be a part of
this. I'm out of here. Babe,
ride's leaving.
Oh no you don't. Charlotte Prather
of the CCPD. None of you are going


That's right. You tell em,
Wait, where did you come from
By this point, they're all on stage around the body.
I was just in the bathroom. Why?
My husband has been shot!
That's right, and someone in this
room is the culprit. And nobody is
coming in or out until we found
out who it was.
Should we call the police?
Hey! Don't talk like that...
there's no need for that!
Biff is right. There's no need.
I'm already here.
Look, I would feel a whole lot
better about this if it were all
reported. I can't have another
scandal on my hands. I just had a
janitor fired.
Not Ol' Grungy. Grungy does his
job right.
      (looking at Biff)
Not to mention a teacher that has
an arrest warrant in Florida. What
the hell Biff?


Babe, it was the 80's.
You have to stop saying "It was
the 80's." That's not an excuse
for everything!
I'm sorry, can we figure out
what's going on here? One of you
is a murderer!
What do you mean "one of you"? It
could have been you too, Kat.
Hell, I bet it was! You were
always so terrible to me in high
school. I bet you haven't changed
a bit. I bet you killed your
husband for the insurance money or
Charlotte, you're being awful! I
would never kill my husband. I
loved Henry more than anything. I
don't even remember you from high
school, let alone bullying you!
But, if we're basing evidence on
who our high school bullies were,
then I bet it was Scarlett!
Me? I didn't even know Henry!
Alright, this isn't getting us
anywhere. Let's be calm and figure
this out.
Henry was my husband and I knew
him best. And I think that if it
was anyone, it was probably Jerry.
He shows up and he's furious at
all of us and clearly wants
revenge. So he killed my Henry!
What?! Henry and I were friends
through all of High School! I
mean, we would hang out all the
time! I know I can get a little


                       JERRY (cont'd)
hot under the collar sometimes,
but I didn't murder anyone! Kat,
you gotta believe me. I bet it was
Coco. Look at her. She's always
been a terrible person. She and
Kat used to be friends, right? So
she hated to see that Kat had gone
on with her life and married while
she still lived in her home town
and was sad and alone!
Uh wow. Hurtful. How can you say
those things, Jerry? I... I would
never hurt Kat. Or Henry. But Biff
on the other hand...
As soon as Biff hears his name he lets out a guttural "Hey!"
just before everyone else explodes into argumentation.
Nobody can be heard and everyone is speaking at once.
Hey... Hey! HEY! Look, I found the
Principal Mathers has produced a pistol. She was nowhere to
be found during the argument previous, but emerged with the
Where did you find that?
It was hidden in my coat!
That means she's the murderer
No, that doesn't mean anything.
The murderer probably dropped it
off in her coat. But there is one
question. Why were you grabbing
your coat?
Well... I...


She was trying to leave! She's
definitely the murderer!
No I just... I told you I can't
have another scandal here! I
thought maybe I could get out
before things got any worse!
So we're no closer to finding out
Wait a minute... I bet it was
Wallowitz! That guy was always
stirring up trouble! Where did he
run off to?
Biff, this is Wallowitz. Henry
Huh. I never knew he had a first
Look, why don't we split up and
look for clues.
Slow your roll there, Scooby-Doo,
I can't think on an empty stomach.
Jerry, there are some more
pressing matters at hand than your
No, he's right. I paid to have
this thing catered. And I'll be
damned if I have to sit in front
of an oversight board and talk
about how we squandered our budget
on food. Bring out the food
They all dine at this point. Of course, there is still a
body suturing on the stage next to them, but all the same.
The cast leaves the stage. They mingle with the crowd as


they eat. They spend a little extra time after most are done
eating to interact with as many people as possible.
Charlotte comes on stage to pick up the gun again. She
inspects it top to bottom. It must be a revolver, otherwise
the rest is just nonsense. If the main dish has not yet been
introduced, it most definitely should be done so by now in
order to ensure appropriate time to eat.
The group comes on stage little by little to join her.
I said Jinkies!
We all heard what you said. Why
the hell did you say it?
I found a clue!
Then why didn't you say you found
a clue?
Someone mentioned Scooby-Doo, I
thought we were having a joke.
Honey, what part of this is a joke
to you?
Jerry, she just-
Oh no no. I want her to answer me.
Sweetheart, you are part of
Cameron Park's finest. You simply
cannot be out and about making a
mockery of a murder like this.


Okay. I just-
Shhh. You're much prettier when
you're quiet. Eskimo kisses.
Jerry and Charlotte touch noses adorably.
Riiiiight... So you said you had a
Of course! Look at this!
She opens the revolving part of the revolver. Is that just
called a revolver? I imagine it's just "the revolver". I
should know more about guns. And cars for that matter. Ugh.
There are only three bullets in
the gun!
So what? It only takes one.
But look, they're all loaded on
the left side. This gun was loaded
by a left handed person!
Hey woah, let's slow down now.
Biff, you're left handed!
So are you Jerry!
How do you know that?
Oh, I don't know I guess it's just
a lucky guess.
So let's see, then. Jerry, Biff,
anyone else? Alright, then. It's
down to just you two. Biff or
Jerry, one of you two is the


                       CHARLOTTE (cont'd)
Now wait a minute!
Well, I know I didn't do it!
I guess it's just your word
against mine, then!
Why don't we get this body out of
here? We should go put it in the
Oh, be careful!
I'll have the janitor come help.
Kat, you don't need to lift a
finger. This must be rough.
Thank you.
Of course. Kat, just one thing.
Can you hold my shoes. I don't
want to get husband juice all over
She quickly takes off her shoes and hands them over to Kat
who then takes them both in her left hand.
I knew it! She's using her left
hand! She's left handed!
Kat is the murderer after all! Oh,
Biff I knew you didn't do it, I
just knew it!
No, I'm not the murderer!
Oh yeah? Then why didn't you tell
us you were left handed?!


Because I'm not! I'm ambidextrous!
I swear!
Make her juggle to prove it!
Now let's all be civil here. There
will be no forced juggling trials.
We will simply have to extend the
list to you as well, Kat.
Look, if we're going to extend the
list to someone claiming
ambidexterity, then we have to
consider Charlotte too! Maybe she
loaded the gun with her left hand
in order to cover her own ass!
Hey, that's not fair! I am an
officer of the law!
Yeah, one who was bullied by the
victim's husband. Coco, can you
spell "conflict of interest"?
Sure! Gimme a "C"!
Coco, she was calling you stupid.
Someone called fomme?
Oh right, I need you to take the
body to the freezer until we can
figure out what's going on.
Wait a minute! In all of the books
they always accuse each other
until they find out ultimately
that it was the butler. Well, we


                       JERRY (cont'd)
don't have a butler. Except, we
don't have a butler. Instead, we
have the janitor!
Of course, the janitor!
No, don't say that!
What's your name, Janitor?
The name's Grungy.
Wait, Grunger? Jim Grunger?
You went to highs school with us?!
Classa '83 an proud.
Jim here always had a penchant for
cleaning and janitorial services.
In fact, he was the only member of
a janitorial club right here on
campus. It was because of Jim that
I could afford to pave the parking
lot again for no reason. When he
graduated, he had a job waiting
for him here.
Okay... well then I guess it
probably wasn't the janitor.
Grungy and Biff carry the body back into the freezer. The
two go offstage and disappear with the body.
We're at a dead end. It could be
any of us at this point.


I think there's one glaring fact
that we're ignoring here.
What's that, Jerry?
You, Coco. You knew that I was
left handed. You've been framing
me from the start, so you learned
that I was left handed so that you
could make it look like I loaded
the gun.
No, I swear!
Give it up, Coco. It's over. I
figured you out. There's no other
No, Jerry. That's not it, I
promise. It's just that I... I...
That's what I thought. You're
nothing more than a liar and a-
I love you.
What did you say? You love me?
I always have. When you love
someone, you notice the little
things about them.
I can't believe it. But I was such
a nerd in high school. And you
were one of the popular girls.
The heart wants what the heart
wants, Jerry. I'm so excited to
finally tell you. I've always kept
this secret inside me that I never
had the courage to tell you, but
now that I have I feel so


                       COCO (cont'd)
Scarlett, Biff and I are having
and affair.
She slaps her hand over her mouth. She did not mean to say
that. The secret was bubbling under the surface for some
time, and now it's out.
Scarlett, she's delusional! Her
husband just died! She's just
jealous that your husband is
I can't believe you would do this
to me! When this is over, you and
I are going to have a very long
discussion. The kind of discussion
that's going to make you wish we
had signed a pre-nup so that I
don't take half of your... of
Gym shorts?
Sweetheart, come on! You can't be
mad about this. Listen, it was the
      (bursting back in)
I love you, Principal Mathers!
Oh my! I love you too, Grungy!
Then run to one another and share a disgusting kiss a la
Ryan Gosling and I want to say Rachel McAdams in The
I'm a fraud!


They all stop and look to him.
I'm not who I say I am. I don't
even know how to use Microsoft
Word. In High School, I always
went by Jeremy, but then I heard
about this new computer whiz named
Jerry Prather who was making
millions. I started getting
letters from some of you here
today talking about what great
friends we were and how you wanted
to cash in that $5 I owed you for
a mortgage payment. Plus interest,
they always said. Point is, I
wasn't this guy that you all
thought I was, but I was so bummed
out about high school I went with
it. I guess it felt good to be
liked by you guys. But as it got
worse and worse, it was harder to
keep a lid on. I got letters from
some of you ladies talking about
how you wanted to date me now that
I was rich. Of course, I didn't
say no. I dated and dated until I
couldn't keep track of most of
their names. When I heard about
this thing, I knew I had to bring
someone. My wife, Charlotte? She's
just a lady that I found at
Denny's. I'm paying her to pretend
to be my wife for the price of one
Grand Slam. All of that Cameron
Park PD stuff? I'm just as
surprised as you all were.
      (impressed with
I was just improving up here.
Hey Jim, can you grab a trash can
for us?
Of course!


Grungy runs off hooting and hollering in excitement over his
usefulness. He returns with a trash can and places it on
stage with the rest of them. The group then grabs Jerry,
much to his protest and places him in the trash can.
Wait a minute, where is Biff?
Huh. I dunno.
He didn't come back with you?
I reckon not.
I'll go check on him.
Perfect. This seems like a good
time for all of us to look around
and see if there's anything else
we can find. Everyone get up and
look around your tables. Look
around the entire cafeteria. Let
us know if you find any clues at
The entire room participates in a clue hunt. They look
around for items and notes and things. These details will
need to be worked out with the group. The ultimate result of
the clue hunt will be the invitation of a Genie Cowan, a
note from Jerry to Kat under her still untouched salad
plate, and a picture of Jerry and Harry with some ludicrous
wig and a filter on it. It will be labeled to simulate the
"good old days". These clues will be fun to look for, but
provide ultimately useless, but surely add flavor to the
night in between scenes. During this time, dessert will be
served. Just as dessert is finished being served, the third
and final scene will begin. The cards will fall. And we will
know who shot Mr. Burns.


Hey everyone! We found a note!
Jerry wrote Kat a note. Look, it
professes his profound, nerdy love
for her.
That's private!
What does it say?
It's just standard stuff. You
should read it sometime we're not
standing in front of a huge crowd.
Read the note, Jerry.
"Dear Kat, the love of my life.

Neither you noticed
The message of my eyes
My love
Nor you heard
The plea of my heart.

Your sparkling image
Stays in my eyes
I'm in somniloquy
Don't turn this love
Into a passing dream
My love
Please sleep in my eyes.

You're my life
You're my soul
Take pity in me
My love
Stay in the garden
Of my heart."
No wonder this guy has to hire a
You guys have to promise not to
tell Kat. Her husband just died...


Oh, so you're saying that you just
wanted to have an affair with her
instead of sleep with her on her
husband's warm body.
Look, I don't claim to be a good
Then I guess you're the bad guy?
      (coming in quickly)
You guys! Come quick!
What is it? Is it Biff?
Biff is... Biff is dead!
Ladies and gentlemen, in light of
the second murder here on campus,
I would like to remind you that
there is indeed no scandal here.
Wait, haven't both of these
murders gone totally unreported?
What do you mean?
He's right. Last time, I told you
I was a cop. Well, I'm not. This
time, still no cops.
Okay, there's no need to panic.
We'll just call the police and
explain all of this. There's
absolutely no need to panic. Are
you panicking? I'm not panicking?
She walks into a side room, then comes back out immediately.


The phone line has been cut! We
have no communication with the
outside world!
I'll just use my cell phone.
Oh... right...
Hello, 911? I'm at Ponderosa High
School. We all gathered here to
celebrate our past and have a
chance to reflect upon who we've
become and now two people are
dead. Yeah. That'd be great.
Thanks. Bye. They say it'll be
about 15 minutes before they get
Then that leaves just 15 minutes
to find out who killed my husband!
And who killed mine!
You know, or we can just enjoy our
dessert and let the police take
care of it. Like they do.
Well then, let's see. We have 2
murders in one night.
It couldn't have been Scarlett
because she never was never alone
with Biff in the back room.
It couldn't have been Jerry
because he was in the bathroom
when Henry was killed.
It wasn't me or my sweet, sweet
Grunge-monster here. We couldn't
handle the scandal.


It couldn't have been Kat. She
loved both Biff and Henry. She had
no reason to kill either of them.
That doesn't mean she didn't do
it, though. She and Grungy were
the only two who were ever in the
back with Biff.
Then it must have been Jim! I
loved Biff!
Wait a minute... let's just think
this through. What if Biff died
because he figured out who the
killer was?
I wouldn't give him that much
Then what about if Biff killed
Henry? And he was going to do the
same to someone else, but they
killed him first?
But that's just Jim and Kat. And
both of them claim they didn't
kill him.
You know what I think? I think
Jerry killed Henry so that he
could be with Kat, then killed
Biff when he found out that he and
Kat were having an affair!
      (stepping up)
No longer can I stand by and let
my actions hurt the people I love.
Jim! You didn't!


He loves us?
I killed the big smelly one. But
only to protect my sweet little
bureaucratic princess.
Oh, Jim...
Alright, mopbucket start at the
All's I know is he told me he was
gonna kill one of yous and I had
to make sure ma honey-biscuit
wasn't gonna get the axe.
Do you know which one of us he
planned to kill?
Yeah. You.
Me? He was going to kill the
husband and the wife? But why?
Hells if I know. He said he had to
do it furr some other warm body.
Damn it. You're telling me that
you killed Biff because Biff was
going to kill one of us because he
had to for another one of us?
That thars the gist of it.
Oh for the love of god, you're
murdering the details!
Coco, is there something you'd
like to say?


Yes! That you are MURDERING the
genius that you have all been a
party of here tonight. This thing
was smart. This thing was so
smart. Thing is, it was too smart
for Biff.
You'd better watch your tone.
It's wasted on you. Months of
planning is wasted on all of you.
If I know anything about fake law
enforcement, it's this. I am going
to keep you under arrest until the
police arrive. Then maybe you can
explain your genius to them, eh?
Charlotte, Grungy, and Coco all walk off stage. On stage are
Jerry, Kat, Scarlett, and Principal Mathers.
Does someone mind explaining all
of this to me, please?
Of course, Principal Mathers. I
think I've got it all figured out.
If I may:

Coco was right. The plan was
ingenious. The only problem was,
she and Biff weren't smart enough
for their plan. See, we had the
motive all laid out. That part was
great. What kept getting us tied
up was the logistics. How did they
do it. What did they do it with?
And when did they have access to
the victims alone? We simply have
to assign the motives to the parts
that fit and our puzzle is solved.
Henry could have been killed by
anyone, but Biff was killed by
Jim. Biff was going to kill you,
Kat, except he couldn't. Now that
the affair was out in the open, he
was a suspect.


But why did he want to kill me in
the first place?
That's where it gets interesting.
He didn't. Actually, Biff wanted
Henry dead. He always hated Henry,
even in high school. But now that
Henry was more successful, he had
to do whatever he could to
undermine him. Hence the affair
between you two. But this was no
longer enough for him when Coco
expressed her distaste for you,
Kat. Sure, you were friends in
high school, but clearly she found
the note I left you under your
plate. It has all the sorted
details, we don't need to read it
just now, but the long and short
of it is that I loved you. Coco,
mad with jealousy, needed you
dead. So she made an arrangement
with Biff. Biff would kill you,
and she would kill Henry. She
filled her part of the bargain,
but Biff slipped. And lucky for
us, Jim was there to mop up the
Wow. This whole night has really
just been too much. I need to go
home and go to sleep. I have some
funeral arrangements to make.
I suppose I do too.
The two of them embrace for a moment, then walk off stage.
This leaves only Jerry and Mathers.
I suppose it's about time you shut
it down, eh? The police should
arrive any minute.
You're right. Alright, folks.
That's it. You can all go home.
That's all we have for you. Sorry
about the two deaths. Hopefully
that didn't spoil your evening. I


                       MATHERS (cont'd)
hope you come back and visit us
sometime. And we always love
donations to the school board.
Have a great night. Drive safe.
The principal is waving and gesturing for them all to leave.
At this time, dessert should be all picked up. People will
applaud, then progressively become more and more excited.
Eventually they will throw flowers, then just money and
cashier's checks. We also accept Visa and MasterCard.



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