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Only in America-Pilot
by Jack O'Grady (sirskopio@gmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED

An animated sitcom about a generic American suburb that is turned upside down by the arrival of an eccentric Australian exchange student.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

INT. ON COMPUTER SCREEN - CONTINUOUS
                                                            
A black and white image of a peaceful village tucked away in
a valley. It's the stereotypical suburb, full of rows upon
rows of identical houses. "Welcome to Townsville" the screen
announces as the lighthearted music roars to life.
                                                            
                       VIDEO NARRARATOR
      (On time with
       title)
Welcome to Townsville! The
American Dream!
                                                            
The video begins showing clips of perfect suburban life. 1st
we see a family playing in the park with a nice picnic set
up by the tree, than we get a group of nice, white kids
riding their bikes past rows of identical houses. The third
clip is of a full family exploring a farmer's market. The
mom and dad point at "interesting" items so enthusiastically
it looks like they're constipated.
                                                            
                       VIDEO NARRARATOR
Ha! Who wouldn't want to live
here?
                                                            
A clip of gleeful kids lining up for school begins playing
before the screen suddenly goes dark. We zoom out of the
darkness and it's a lab-top being sitting on Noah's lap.
He's on a plane.
                                                            
                       NOAH
      (sighing as he
       looks out the
       window)
Goodbye Australia.
      (looks at his
       Townsvile
       postcard)
Hello, Townsville.
                                                            
                       PILOT
      (over the intercom)
Attention all passengers. We are
almost done boarding and will be
in the air as soon as we can. And
by "as soon as I can" I mean in
like five hours.
                                                            
A new batch of passengers come onto the plane. A super white
old lady sits next to Noah, and immediately begins talking.
                                                            

2.

                       OLD LADY
Oh hello there. I'm Louie. I just
came from M-m-m-melbourne. Are you
from M-m-m--melbourne. You look
native. Oh that reminds of my
grandson.
      (Noah begins
       twitching)
When he was, when he was, when he
was 4. That's it. He used to, he
would do this thing, you know
where he...
                                                            
                       NOAH
Oh wow, what a fine group of large
Muslim men we have in this Coach.
                                                            
                       OLD LADY
      (Getting up)
I must have gotten the wrong seat.
                                                            
Noah exhales in relief and smiles.
                                                            
                       NOAH
Ha. Like anyone would hijack an
Australian plane.
                                                            
The plane takes off and suddenly Crocodile Dundee gets up
and stands at the front of the Coach. He takes out a knife
from the movie.
                                                            
                       CROCODILE DUNDEE
      (from the movie)
Alright, this is a knife!
                                                            
                       NOAH
F*ck.
                                                            
 
INT. INTRO THEME - CONTINUOUS
                                                            
Intro plays.
                                                            
 
EXT. THE MEEGER HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
The Meeger House, illuminated by the midday sun. Its a blue
house on the typical suburban street. With some trees in the
front yard, and a tank parked in the driveway.
                                                            

3.

MEEGER LIVING ROOM
                                                            
The living room is decorated with fake kangaroos and a huge
banner saying "Welcome Noah"
                                                            
                       MARCUS (O.S)
DAD! DAD!
      (Walks into the
       living room
       confused)
DAD!
      (His dad, covered
       in mud, peeks
       from behind a
       curtain)
DAD!
      (His dad suddenly
       peeks from behind
       a plant)
DAD!
                                                            
His dad, who looks a lot like Arnold Shwarzanager, jumps out
from behind the couch. He grabs Marcus, wrestles him down
and beats the crap out of him before dragging him outside.
                                                            
                       PREDATOR
      (materializing in
       a corner)
Alright guys it's clear.
                                                            
A bunch of predators materialize around the house and resume
a massive party.
                                                            
OUTSDIE THE MEEGER HOUSE
                                                            
Arnold Shwarzameeger drags Marcus out onto the lawn points a
gun at him.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Dad! You're not Arnold
Schwarzenegger!
                                                            
                       ARNOLD SHWARZAMEEGER
Are you Sarah Conner?
                                                            
                       MARCUS
      (confused)
No dad, it's me. Your son, Marcus.
                                                            
                       ARNOLD SHWARZAMEEGER
      (lowers gun)
Oh. Right. I have a son.
                                                            

4.

                       MARCUS
      (getting up and
       brushing dirt off
       of himself)
Yeah.
                                                            
                       ARNOLD SHWARZAMEEGER
I just---
                                                            
                       MARCUS
I know, I know.
                                                            
There's a long uncomfortable silence occasionally broken by
random greetings.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
OH! Is this gonna be one of those
awkward silence's that happen in
sitcoms that aren't even funny,
they just make the audience
uncomfortable, but the laugh track
still plays anyways?
      (laugh track)
See! Seriously guys it's not
funny. You're just trying to
distract the audience from the
fact that the writers couldn't
think of any jokes for this scene!
      (laugh track
       intensifies)
You know what, screw you guys!
      (Turns to talk to
       his dad)
Dad, have you seen my winter coat.
I was thinking of taking the
exchange student to the ice
skating rink tonight.
                                                            
                       ARNOLD SHWARZAMEEGER
      (looks nervous and
       guilty)
Oh, I don't know where it is.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Dad. Did you go skiing last night?
                                                            
                       ARNOLD SHWARZAMEEGER
Maybe...
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Dad. You know the first step
towards solving your problem is
admitting you have one.
                                                            

5.

                       ARNOLD SHWARZAMEEGER
      (falls to his
       knees)
Alright! Alright! I went skiing
last night! I just couldn't help
it. It's not my fault, it's my
heritage!
                                                            
                       GHOSTS OF AUSTRIA
      (ghosts of some of
       austria's most
       famous people
       appear above his
       head)
Ohhh. Nice day for a ski right?
                                                            
                       ARNOLD SHWARZAMEEGER
STOP IT!
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Wait. Is that Lady Gaga?
                                                            
                       ARNOLD SHWARZAMEEGER
You're not Austrian.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Or a skiier.
                                                            
                       LADY GAGA
Oh. Really. But
      (pretends like
       someone else is
       talking)
Hey did you hear about her new
album. I hear it's great!
                                                            
Marcus chases Lady Gaga and the other Ghost's out.
                                                            
                       LADY GAGA
      (as she runs)
I rub paint on my face because I'm
artistic!
                                                            
                       LIZA (O.S)
Marcus!
                                                            
                       MARCUS
      (Turns to see
       Liza, his sister
       hanging out fo
       her window)
Yeah Liza.
                                                            

6.

                       LIZA
When's our foreign exchange
student gonna get here.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Soon, I hope. His flight was
scheduled to land an hour ago but
there've been some delays.
                                                            
                       LIZA
What kind of delays?
                                                            
THE PACIFIC OCEAN
                                                            
Noah's plane is floating in the middle of the Pacific Ocean,
hoisted by life rafts placed underneath it. A large boat
appears to be coming to it's rescue.
                                                            
INSIDE THE PLANE
                                                            
Noah sits, looking very unhappy.
                                                            
                       PILOT
      (over the intercom)
Sorry for the emergency landing
folks. Turns out no one put gas in
the plane. A rescue boat is on
it's way right now with a full
tank of gas. We should be back in
the air in no time. Until then,
just bear with us.
                                                            
COCKPIT
                                                            
The pilot moves away from his mic. Looks at his co-pilot and
the two burst out laughing.
                                                            
ARCHER STREET
                                                            
Marcus walks down the street, looking dejected and bored. He
kicks a can. He stops. Smiles.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Huh. That was kind of fun.
      (kicks it again)
I could do this all day.
                                                            
Suddnely a bunch if old people rush out of the bushes, beat
up Marcus and run off kicking the can.
                                                            

7.

                       CAP (O.S)
Hey! Marcus!
      (Runs on screen)
Why are you on the ground?
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Oh hey Cap, some old people just
beat me up for a can.
                                                            
                       CAP
Huh. Wanna go play catch?
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Maybe. Doesn't look like my
foreign exchange students if
getting here anytime soon.
                                                            
                       CARLOS (O.S)
GUYS! Wait up!
                                                            
Carlos runs on screen. A fat, Hispanic kid.
                                                            
                       CAP
      (jumping behind
       Marcus)
AHH! We're getting jumped.
      (stops and
       realizes it's
       just Carlos)
Oh wait, it's just Carlos.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Hey Carlos.
                                                            
                       CARLOS
Hey guys! My mom kicked me out of
the house so she and her boyfriend
could play Twister or something---
                                                            
                       CAP
      (stops Carlos,
       turns to Marcus)
Wait, wait. Carlos is fat, right?
And we're skinny, right?
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Yeah, I guess.
                                                            
                       CAP
Than by the unspoken code of 90s
kids movies he must perform a fat
kid dance to please Steven
Spielberg.
                                                            

8.

                       CARLOS
dammit.
      (Does fat guy
       dance.)
                                                            
STEVEN SPIELBERG'S HOUSE
                                                            
Spielberg watches as Carlos dances.
                                                            
                       STEVEN SPIELBERG
Spielberg is pleased.
                                                            
ARCHER STREET
                                                            
                       CARLOS
      (finishes dance)
Happy?
                                                            
                       CAP
Huh. You rubbed your nipples for
our amusement.
                                                            
Cap, Carlos and Marcus walk along the street.
                                                            
                       CAP
Wait. Isn't the whole point of a
foreign exchange student that you
exchange people? Shouldn't you be
going to Australia or something?
                                                            
                       MARCUS
No, no, no. Noah's actually my
brother's exchange student.
                                                            
                       CARLOS
So your brother's in Australia
right now.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
I guess so, yeah.
                                                            
AUSTRALIA
                                                            
Marcus' brother runs across a desert being chased by a storm
of deadly animals, including snakes, insects and a
crocodile.
                                                            
                       MARCUS' BROTHER
Oh god they were right! They were
all right!
                                                            

9.

ARCHER STREET
                                                            
The group sit around looking bored.
                                                            
                       CAP
So, is this foreign guy gonna be
one of the foreigners who can't
stop talking about how great
America is?
                                                            
A group of Mexicans run around in the background singing
about America.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
No. He's gonna be one of those
foreigners who can't stop talking
about how much America sucks.
                                                            
A group of snorting Brits walk by.
                                                            
                       SNORTING BRIT
Listen. I've been practicing my
American accent.
      (pretends to be a
       redneck)
Yay America! I don't know anything
about the outside the world. I'm
stupid.
                                                            
The snorting Brits snort off screen.
                                                            
                       CAP
      (under his breath)
Dicks.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
      (checks his watch)
Seriously! Noah's plane was
supposed to land hours ago! Where
could they be?
                                                            
Slowly we zoom in on Marcus. Letting the tension build.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
      (looks at camera)
Ha. You were expecting a cutaway
weren't you? Yeah you were. Well
you're not getting one. Damn
budget cuts.
      (pauses to think)
Here, I'll just sum it up for you.
Plane crews are very inefficient,
and if they tell you they'll be
            (MORE)

10.

                       MARCUS (cont'd)
taking off soon, they're lying.
                                                            
THE MEEGER HOUSE
                                                            
LIZA'S ROOM
                                                            
Liza is lying on her bed with her two best friends Susie and
Mary on the floor.
                                                            
                       SUSIE
      (to Liza)
So Liza, what's with all the
Australian decorations in your
living room?
                                                            
                       LIZA
Oh. My brother has an Australian
exchange student coming over
today. He'll be living with us for
like a year or so.
                                                            
                       MARY
Wait, that's like British right?
                                                            
                       LIZA
Basically yeah.
                                                            
                       RANDOM AUSTRALIAN GUY (O.S)
Well, f*ck you too!
                                                            
                       MARY
Where is Australia anyways?
                                                            
Clips from the Australian TV show that interviewed Americans
about Geography. Americans place North Korea and other
countries where Australia should be.
                                                            
                       SUSIE
Wait. Do you guys realize what
this means?
                                                            
All the girls pause for a long moment.
                                                            
                       LIZA
      (breaking the
       silence)
Oh sh*t. You were actually
expecting an answer. Umm...people
are gonna make a lot of kangaroo
jokes.
                                                            

11.

                       MARY
Here I'll start it off.
                                                            
THE OUTBACK
                                                            
A kangaroo hops around looking Australian.
                                                            
LIZA'S ROOM
                                                            
                       LIZA
That was it? That was your joke?
It was just a cutaway of a
kangaroo after we mentioned a
kangaroo.
                                                            
                       MARY
Hey. If Family Guy can do it so
can we.
                                                            
                       SUSIE
      (interrupting)
Guys, guys. You're not getting it.
This exchange student will be the
first foreigner in Townsville.
Ever!
                                                            
                       LIZA
Wow... this is big! Everybody
needs to know.
                                                            
                       EVERYBODY (O.S)
We already do.
                                                            
The girls scream and turn to see the entire town piled
outside their window. In her shock Mary stumbles into a
cabinet sending random crap spilling everywhere, including a
ferret which runs around and poops everywhere. It gnaws on
Susie's ear and then speed-humps an unconscious Liza before
running away. Lying unconscious, Liza barfs on the ground.
                                                            
                       RANDOM GUY IN CROWD
This was a lot funnier in my head.
                                                            
ARCHER PARK
                                                            
Marcus, Cap, and Carlos swing on the swing set.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
      (swinging sadly)
Maybe his plane had an accident? I
mean, he could be drowning right
now?
                                                            

12.

                       CARLOS
Or worse, he could stranded on a
remote island with a small group
of survivors who soon discover
that the island may hold dangers
of its own!
                                                            
                       MARCUS
So, like Lost?
                                                            
                       CARLOS
What's Lost, that was a completely
original idea.
                                                            
                       CAP
Dude, that is the exact same
premise as Lost. Except, before it
turned into a weekly acid trip.
                                                            
                       CARLOS
      (starts writing
       idea down)
I don't know what this "Lost" is
but I'm going to make millions!
Oh, I know! I'll add a polar bear!
                                                            
                       MARCUS
And...there it goes.
                                                            
A little girl walks up Marcus while he swings.
                                                            
                       LITTLE GIRL
Excuse me. Can I have a turn on
the swing?
                                                            
                       MARCUS
No.
                                                            
                       LITTLE GIRL
But you're as big kid. Big kids
don't play on swings.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
No, big kids play on swings
ironically.
                                                            
                       LITTLE GIRL
What does ironically mean?
                                                            
                       MARCUS
I don't know.
                                                            

13.

The girl wanders away looking dejected. The faint sound of
people cheering and partying can suddenly be heard. They
begin to grow in volume.
                                                            
                       CAP
What the hell is that?
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Sounds like a party! Let's go!
                                                            
The group get up and run off. The girl, seeing her chance
runs to the swing but two hipsters get their first and start
swinging.
                                                            
                       HIPSTERS
Haha. We're ironically having fun!
                                                            
TOWN PARTY
                                                            
The whole town is gathered in the Town Square. It's a huge
welcome party for Noah with lots of banners and American
flags. The group runs into the center looking very confused.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
What the flip is this?
                                                            
                       SUSIE
      (walks up holding
       a bunch of flags)
Guys want some Australian flags to
welcome our Australian guest?
                                                            
Marcus takes one and curiously inspects it. It's the British
Flag.
                                                            
                       RANDOM AUSTRALIAN GUY (O.S)
OH COME ON! Seriously!
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Oh no! Some must've found out
about my exchange student. Now the
whole town is going crazy!
                                                            
                       CAP
It's like the British Invasion all
over again.
                                                            
On a stage in the Town Square a bunch of girls gather around
the stage screaming randomly. A group of teenage boys walk
onto stage. The first one takes the microphone and clears
his throat.
                                                            

14.

                       AUSTRALIAN SINGER
      (into Mic)
We're Australian.
                                                            
The girls scream and throw stuff at them.
                                                            
Marcus' phone rings and he checks who it is.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
It's the exchange student!
      (into phone)
Hey!
                                                            
NOAH'S LINE-PLANE
                                                            
Noah sits on the plane.
                                                            
                       NOAH
H-hey man! So, funny story
actually. My plane got hijacked.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Crocodile Dundee?
                                                            
                       NOAH
No, no. That was just a throwaway
joke at Australians. Turns out
those Muslim guys I pointed out
earlier, actually were terrorists!
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Whadda you know!
                                                            
                       NOAH
Yeah, but they're nice terrorists.
They've agreed to land the plane
right in your town!
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Huh. They may hate America but
they must love Australians.
                                                            
                       NOAH
I know right. Oh, here we come
right now.
                                                            
The plane crashes in the center of town, killing hundreds of
people. Out of the wreckage a bunch of terrorists run out
screaming in Arabic.
                                                            
                       NOAH
      (getting out of
       wreckage, yells
       to the fleeing
            (MORE)

15.

                       NOAH (cont'd)
       terrorists)
Thanks! I hope terrorist heaven is
all it's cracked up to be.
                                                            
The crowd is in disarray as the smoke. When they can finally
clear they all notice Noah standing outside the wreckage.
                                                            
                       RANDOM GUY IN CROWD
It's...him.
                                                            
                       RANDOM GUY IN CROWD
He's so...foreign!
                                                            
The crowd roars with applause and lifts Noah off the ground
as they carry him over to a raised platform. With another
round of cheers they set him down and decorate him with
balloons and a crown. Now that he's been crowned they settle
into a tense silence.
                                                            
                       NOAH
      (looks around very
       confused)
                                                            
                       RANDOM GUY IN CROWD
Come on.
                                                            
                       RANDOM GUY IN CROWD
Say something Australian.
                                                            
                       NOAH
      (Nervous)
...hello?
                                                            
The crowd murmurs and discusses what he said before
silencing again.
                                                            
                       RANDOM GUY IN CROWD
Could you say it again, and this
time actually sound Australian.
                                                            
                       NOAH
What?
                                                            
A tomato flies from the crowd and hits Noah in the face.
                                                            
                       RANDOM GUY IN CROWD
YOU SUCK!
                                                            
The crowd suddenly breaks into chaos and attempts to storm
Noah's platform. In the chaos Marcus reaches his hand
through the throng.
                                                            

16.

                       MARCUS
Take my hand!
                                                            
Noah grabs his hand and Marcus pulls him through the riot.
They catch their breath outside the mass.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
I'm Marcus.
                                                            
                       NOAH
Nice to meet you.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
We should run.
                                                            
The two run off but leave Cap and Carlos behind. Cap notices
just as they disappear from view.
                                                            
                       CAP
WAIT!
                                                            
Cap and Carlos are grabbed and consumed by the crowd.
                                                            
OUTSDIE THE MEEGER HOUSE
                                                            
Marcus and Noah run screaming into the house followed by a
huge angry mob.
                                                            
THE MEEGER LIVING ROOM
                                                            
Marcus and Noah enter and slam the door behind them as the
crowd surrounds the house. They then run upstairs.
                                                            
MARCUS' ROOM
                                                            
They enter Marcus' room, shut the door and catch their
breath.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Sorry about that.
                                                            
                       NOAH
No, don't be. I'm used to angry
mobs.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Why?
                                                            
                       NOAH
Ever been to a sports game in
Australia?
                                                            

17.

                       MARCUS
No.
                                                            
                       NOAH
Don't.
                                                            
                       RANDOM GUY IN CROWD (O.S)
      (from outside the
       house)
HEY! We're not leaving until he
does something Australian!
                                                            
                       NOAH
What are they talking about?
                                                            
                       MARCUS
I should probably just show you.
                                                            
Marcus walks over to his computer and turns on a video.
                                                            
ON THE SCREEN
                                                            
A bunch of clips of famous Australians play on the screen.
We see Steve Irwen and Mad Max and people running around the
Outback.
                                                            
                       VIDEO NARRARATOR
      (crazy australain
       accent)
Australia. F*ck yeah.
                                                            
MARCUS' ROOM
                                                            
                       NOAH
Huh. So what do we do about the
crowd out there?
                                                            
                       MARCUS
We can just leave them. I mean,
what's the worst that could
happen?
                                                            
Foreboding music plays in the background.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
      (getting up)
No, no, no.
      (opens the closet
       to reveal a full
       orchestra)
Get out,
      (ushering them all
       out)
This is not the time for
            (MORE)

18.

                       MARCUS (cont'd)
foreboding music.
      (laugh track
       plays, Marcus
       turns into a
       stereotypical
       black women)
OH hell no.
      (Marcus reverts
       back to his
       normal state,
       laugh track plays
       again)
If you laugh one more time...
      (silence)
That's what I thought.
                                                            
One guy laughs and Marcus shoots him.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
      (leaving with Noah)
Come on. I want you to meet my
family.
                                                            
After Marcus leaves the room is flooded with terrified
people running around shouting that they want to get out of
here. After checking every available exit they empty out
through the window.
                                                            
THE MEEGER LIVING ROOM
                                                            
Marcus and Noah walk downstairs where Marcus' family is
seated around the TV. Outside we can see the entire town
waiting anxiously.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Everybody, this is Noah. The
exchange student.
                                                            
                       NOAH
Hello.
                                                            
                       LIZA
      (walking uo and
       feeling his chest)
Oh hi there. I'm Liza. I just
wanted to let you know that you
can go to my "outback" anytime you
want. If you know what I mean.
      (winks)
                                                            
                       NOAH
How about no.
                                                            

19.

                       LIZA
Are you sure?
                                                            
                       NOAH
      (barfs Liza into a
       wall)
Yes. I'm very sure.
                                                            
Marcus' step-mom Eliza-Beth walks up to Noah. She's old,
like really old.
                                                            
                       ELIZA-BETH
      (shaking Noah's
       hand)
Hello Noah. Welcome to the family.
I'm Eliza-Beth.
                                                            
                       NOAH
      (pronouncing it
       Elizabeth)
Hello Elizabeth.
                                                            
                       ELIZA-BETH
      (Angry)
It's Eliza
      (pause)
Beth you dick!
                                                            
                       NOAH
      (confused)
Oh I'm sorry I just thought---
                                                            
                       ELIZA-BETH
It's not that hard, you pause
between Eliza and Beth. Get used
to it.
                                                            
She headbutts Noah with her titanium skull and shuffles
away.
                                                            
                       NOAH
      (recovering from
       the attack)
God, you have an insane
grandmother.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Oh, she's not my grandmother.
Eliza-Beth is my step-mom.
                                                            
                       NOAH
But she's like a hundred years
old! Aren't divorced men supposed
to marry women much younger than
            (MORE)

20.

                       NOAH (cont'd)
them?
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Yeah but my dad's Austrian. He got
confused and married a much older
women by accident.
                                                            
                       NOAH
I didn't know you could marry
someone by accident.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
He met her in Las Vegas.
                                                            
                       NOAH
Ahhhhh. Now I see it.
                                                            
Cap and Carlos walk in.
                                                            
                       CARLOS
      (tired)
Hey guys.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Hey! Noah, these are my two best
friends Cap and Carlos!
                                                            
                       NOAH
      (fistbumping
       Carlos)
What's up guys!
                                                            
                       CARLOS
      (clutching his
       hand and jumping
       up and down)
AHHH! He touched me! I'm never
gonna wash this hand!
                                                            
                       CAP
      (moving in for a
       high five)
Alright!
      (move hand back
       suddenly)
Too slow.
                                                            
                       NOAH
      (confused)
What? You can't do that.
                                                            

21.

                       CAP
Sorry man, you were too slow.
                                                            
                       NOAH
      (trying to high
       five Cap but he
       keeps moving his
       hand)
No. Let me high five you!
                                                            
                       CAP
Dude! Stop!
                                                            
                       NOAH
      (tackling Cap and
       wrestling him for
       the high five)
Goddammit. You are going to let me
high five you!
                                                            
                       CAP
      (crying)
NO! AHHH!
                                                            
                       NOAH
      (finally
       forcefully high
       fiving him)
Yesss. There we go.
      (Gets up)
That wasn't so hard was it mate.
                                                            
                       CAP
      (curled up on the
       floor)
Whyyy?
                                                            
                       MARCUS
      (walking outside)
Let's go man.
                                                            
OUTSIDE THE MEEGER HOUSE
                                                            
Marcus walks out followed by Noah and Carlos. As they walk
down the street the huge crowd slowly follows them.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
I'm gonna show you what suburban
life is all about.
                                                            
                       NOAH
Sweet, can't wait.
                                                            

22.

They keep awkwardly walking, at times looking around like
they're expecting something.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
      (gesturing towards
       the park)
So...this is Archer Park...
      (yells at screen)
Dammit, just do a montage!
                                                            
MONTAGE-CONTINOUS
                                                            
Clip 1: Marcus shows Noah around the park. Hipsters swing on
swings and play on slides. Noah is very confused.

Clip 2: A bunch of suburban moms are playing Bridge when
Marcus brings Noah in. The moms immediately crowd around him
and inspect him thoroughly. They then rush over to their
children and quickly style them to look just like Noah.

Clip 3: Noah is getting pretty fed up now but Marcus is
taking him to the school. He leads him through the hallways
showing him all the nice-looking kids. Then the bell rings
and all the kids turn into rage monsters and rush out while
randomly humping or beating each other up.

Clip 4: Noah and Marcus ride bikes on the road. They appear
to be having fun until several cars go completely out of
their way to run them over.

During the entire montage they are still followed by the
huge crowd.
                                                            
REAL TIME- MARCUS' ROOM
                                                            
Noah and Marcus enter. Noah is very exasperated.
                                                            
                       NOAH
How do you stand it mate? Going
through that everyday! The most
intelligent conversation I had was
with a food truck driver.
                                                            
FOOD TRUCK
                                                            
Noah walks up to the food truck.
                                                            
                       NOAH
Can I have a hamburger.
                                                            
                       FOOD TRUCK GUY
      (hands him burger)
That'll be 3 dollars.
                                                            

23.

                       NOAH
      (gives him money)
Ok.
                                                            
MARCUS' ROOM
                                                            
                       MARCUS
I know it's not the best. But it's
not like Australia's any better.
What did you guys do down there?
                                                            
                       NOAH
Well...
                                                            
THE OUTBACK
                                                            
Noah and some random Australian guy sit around. They look
really bored.
                                                            
                       AUSTRALIAN
      (whisltes)
                                                            
                       NOAH
      (pats his legs)
So...
                                                            
                       AUSTRALIAN
Wanna go find some deadly animals
and poke them with a stick?
                                                            
                       NOAH
Hell yeah!
                                                            
THE SWAMP
                                                            
Noah and the Australian clutch their bleeding legs and arms
as a large group of snakes and crocodiles surround them.
                                                            
                       NOAH
      (screaming in pain)
WE'VE MADE A HORRIBLE DECISION!
                                                            
BACK AT ARCHER PARK
                                                            
Noah and Marcus are still in their same positions.
                                                            
                       NOAH
      (getting up)
Mate, I don't think I can get used
to life like this.
                                                            

24.

                       RANDOM GUY IN CROWD
      (eating popcorn)
Ughh! This is depressing. Do
something funny!
                                                            
                       CARLOS
      (stumbling on
       screen all sweaty
       and tired)
There you guys are! You just walk
so fast I couldn't keep up with
you. Next time you go on a
meaningful montage around town can
you do it a bit slower?
      (falls down)
                                                            
                       RANDOM GUY IN CROWD
      (laughs at Carlos)
Haha! Fat guy fall down! Alright,
the storyline can proceed
something funny happened. Quota is
fulfilled. On with the show.
                                                            
                       NOAH
      (resuming his
       conversation with
       Marcus)
What are we going to do-
                                                            
                       RANDOM GUY IN CROWD
      (makes train noise)
All aboard the story is leaving
the station.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
      (hesitates before
       resuming his
       conversation)
I mean what can we-
                                                            
                       RANDOM GUY IN CROWD
      (makes plane
       noises)
Come in Tower. We have dialogue.
Repeat, we have dialogue. Nothing
but meaningful conversations
ahead.
                                                            
                       NOAH
Mate, are you going to keep making
puns until the episodes over?
                                                            

25.

                       RANDOM GUY IN CROWD
Oh! Look out below, this stories
got conflict! What are they gonna
do?
                                                            
                       MARCUS
I would shoot you. But I've
already done that once this
episode and then people might
think this is a violent show so
just SHUT UP!
                                                            
The man sadly lowers his head.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
      (resuming his
       conversation)
I know you don't like suburban
life. And, truth be told, neither
do I!
                                                            
                       NOAH
Really?
                                                            
                       MARCUS
It's true. I can't stand it. And I
was hoping you wouldn't be able to
either. Because I have a plan.
                                                            
                       NOAH
Oh. Got a plan.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Yeah.
                                                            
                       NOAH
Got a plan to solve this dilemma.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Yep.
                                                            
                       NOAH
Gonna explain that plan?
                                                            
                       MARCUS
Actually I was thinking of
explaining it in a bunch of
disconnected, jumbled clips that
make no sense until the end of the
episode.
                                                            

26.

                       NOAH
But can't you just explain it now.
It would be a lot easier.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
      (Exasperated)
Alright. But I'm telling you it
loses something when you just know
the plan.
      (takes out
       blueprint)
My plan is basically for you and
me to just leave.
                                                            
                       NOAH
Do you mean go back to Australia!
Leave Townsville completely?
                                                            
The crowd gasps in unison.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
YES! We can go to Australia and
leave this boring place behind.
                                                            
                       NOAH
You know what. That's actually a
good plan.
                                                            
Suddenly James Bond appears with a gun.
                                                            
                       JAMES BOND
But there's one factor you didn't
anticipate in your master plan.
                                                            
                       NOAH
I don't think--
                                                            
                       MARCUS
How did you get in my room?
                                                            
                       JAMES BOND
How can you return to Australia if
there's no Australia to return to?
                                                            
Bond steps back and reveals a TV playing the news. On the
screen is a huge explosion over the ocean.
                                                            
                       NEWS ANCHOR
Just a couple minutes ago the
entire country of Australia was
destroyed in a concentrated
nuclear strike from the U.S that
was apparently meant for North
            (MORE)

27.

                       NEWS ANCHOR (cont'd)
Korea.
                                                            
                       NOAH
OH MY GOD!
                                                            
                       NEWS ANCHOR
The sole survivor of the genocide,
Mel Gibson, passed away several
seconds ago. He had this to say
about the conflict.
      (image of a dying
       Mel Gibson he
       says "Damn Jews"
       before dying)
Alright, who didn't see that
coming?
                                                            
Noah collapses on the ground.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
I guess your stuck here forever
Noah.
                                                            
                       NOAH
Crikey!
                                                            
                       RANDOM GUY IN CROWD
He just said crikey!
      (this line said by
       another guy in
       crowd)
That's Australian!
                                                            
The crowd erupts in cheers and fireworks before marching
off, satisfied.
                                                            
                       NOAH
They do realize I've said "mate"
constantly throughout this
episode? And that's pretty
Australian.
                                                            
                       MARCUS
I think keeping the crowd there
for the entire episode is more
amusing than only having them for
a couple minutes.
                                                            
                       NOAH
I guess you're right, what were we
talking about again.
                                                            

28.

                       MARCUS
You're stuck here forever.
                                                            
Noah collapses on his face.
                                                            
                       JAMES BOND
Huh, you think the writer could
have found a better way to end the
episode.
      (Gets up)
Well, time to go f*ck the living
daylights out of the first person
I see.
      (turns around to
       see Cap)
Sh*t.
      (pause)
What are you doing here?
                                                            
                       CAP
I don't know. I was kinda pissed
that my last scene involved Noah
basically hand-raping me so I
decided to butt in here. Mind
catching me up on what happened.
                                                            
                       JAMES BOND
The U.S blew up Australia by
accident.
                                                            
                       CAP
So Noah can never go home. Huh.
Wait, but wouldn't the sudden
destruction of an entire continent
have major and disastrous effects
all over the world.
                                                            
                       JAMES BOND
This is a cartoon. F*ck science.
                                                            
James Bond floats away.
                                                            
                       CAP
Only in America!
                                                            
                       BOB (V.O)
Whoa! That's the name of the show!
He just said the name of the show!
Jill!
                                                            
                       JILL (V.O)
What?
                                                            

29.

                       BOB
They just said the name of the
show, on the show!
                                                            
                       JILL
Really? Wow!
                                                            
                       BOB
I know right!
                                                            
 
INT. ARNOLD SCHWARZAMEEGER'S ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
After credits. Arnold is sleeping. In his sleep he sits up
in bed and picks up his coat and hat.
                                                            
THE MEEGER LIVING ROOM
                                                            
He sleepwalks downstairs and grabs his skis from the closet
then walks out the door.
                                                            
OUTSDIE THE MEEGER HOUSE
                                                            
He walks out and gets in the car, begins driving.
                                                            
OUTSIDE THE SKI RESORT.
                                                            
The car approaches a big ski resort.
                                                            
THE SKI RESORT
                                                            
Arnold goes up the hill on one of the lifts. He gets to the
top of the hill and happily skis down, laughing and yelling
with joy. When he reaches the bottom he skids to a stop and
slowly wakes up and takes a quick check of his surroundings.
                                                            
                       ARNOLD SHWARZAMEEGER
I have a problem.
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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