	Login Help

Screenwriter Community

by Tania Penn (twistedwritertanita@gmail.com)

Rated:

Genre: Mockumentary User Review:

In the vein of "The Office" and "Parks and Rec" comes "What's Your Emergency?" A look at what goes on with dispatchers during the graveyard shift at fictional Shore Harbor PD and Fire.

FADE IN:

INT. POLICE BRIEFING ROOM - 19:46 HOURS - NIGHT

Fifty-something year old Lieutenant John Cafferty is
standing at a PODIUM at the front giving the GRAVEYARD SHIFT
briefing. The room is sparse and small, with the appearance
of being in a basement.

LT. JOHN
Alright, information from
dayshift. (Clears throat) Missus
Kittredge says her pygmy goat,
Napoleon, has escaped again. The
last time he ended up on the north
side of Whidbey Island. So, JAN,
check the ferry dock this time and
ask if maybe he boarded it again.

OFFICER MAGANA
Copy that, sir. (whispers to no
one in particular) I love pygmy
goats.

Dispatchers JILLY LOVESTONE and TRESSA BROUGHTON are sitting
at the rear of the room, giggling. Jilly, still in
training, should be taking notes, but instead, she is
DOODLING. Tressa is sticking her tongue out, showing off
what appears to be a tongue piercing. Jilly is smirking,
showing Tressa her nose piercing. the lone male dispatcher,
RON GUTIERREZ is hanging on to every word of the Lt.

TRESSA
(scolding Jill)
Why are you drawing cartoons? Pay
attention!

LT. JOHN
Jilly and Tressa. Is there
something you would like to share
with the rest of us?

Jilly turns her head slightly, so the nose ring is visible
to the Lt. Tressa opens her mouth, STRETCHING out her
tongue.

Their newly lateraled COMMUNICATIONS SUPERVISOR CHRISTINE
O'NEAL sees them, her eyes widen.

TRESSA
No sir, El Tee. We're good.

Lt. John squints, then shakes his head and looks back at his
briefing notes.

LT. JOHN
(clears throat)
Okay. Also from last night's
shift. Tressa?

TRESSA
Yessir.

LT. JOHN
We were still having complaints
from a reporting party that you
spoke to last night of his
neighbor that is uh�(pauses)
horny? Dayshift said the neighbor
was still going at it?

TRESSA
(muffles laughter)
(serious tone) Um, yessir. The
RP was stating that the neighbor
is, in his words, "horning horning
horning all night long."

LT. JOHN
Horning? Uh huh. And we
responded to this incident
because?

TRESSA
Noise complaint sir. Horning.

TRESSA MIMICS HONKING A CAR HORN

LT. JOHN
You mean honking.

TRESSA
Affirm.

LT. JOHN
Did we roll out there last night?

JILLY
We did but the horner was gone.

LT. JOHN
Got it.

Lt. John rubs at the side of his nose as if signaling he
sees what Tressa and Jilly did. She smiles then looks back
over at Christine.

LT. JOHN
I would also like to extend a
welcome to the newest member of
Shore Harbor PD. Christine O'Neal
is the new graveyard
communications supervisor. She
comes over to us from Boise,
Idaho. Please make her feel
welcome.

Christine politely smiles.

CUT TO

INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTER - OFFICE - NIGHT

CHRISTINE TALKING HEAD

CHRISTINE
Trainee Lovestone and dispatcher
Broughton came in tonight with
piercings. Now, in this
department, I believe the only
piercings allowed are those on the
earlobes. And only one per lobe.
So, tonight, I need to go through
the regulations book to find the
clause where it specifically
states such, and issue each of
them a written reprimand. Not the
way I wanted to spend my first
night here.

CUT TO

INT. POLICE BRIEFING ROOM - 19:48 HOURS. - NIGHT

LT. JOHN
Okay. JOHN, councilman Valderama
is out of town, you are on house
watch duty this shift.

OFFICER ELLIOTT
(under breath)
Dammit.

LT. JOHN
Once an hour.

OFFICER ELLIOTT
This sucks! It's a waste of
personnel.

CUT TO

INT. LT. OFFICE - NIGHT

LT. JOHN TALKING HEAD

LT. JOHN
Shore Harbor is a small
municipality of just under five
thousand residents. We are on the
outskirts of SEATTLE. Many of our
fine citizens, yours truly
included, like to say that we are
residents of Seattle proper. We
here at the Shore Harbor Police
and Fire Department don't get the
action that they do in the big
city, but we make up for it with a
much lower crime rate. And, we
have more bikini baristas per
block then any other city in
Western Washington. (Pause) Of
course, I go there strictly for
the coffee.

CUT TO

INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTER 23:18 PM - NIGHT

The COMMUNICATIONS CENTER is small, dark room -- illuminated
only by the lights of the computer. Various buttons are next
to the computers.

Jilly and Tressa are sitting at a console next to each
other, looking bored yet amused. Ron is sitting at
another one reading a book. In the distance, Christine and
Lt. John are going through a manual in her office. Tressa
and Jilly glance up at them, smiling. Lt. John looks at
them, shaking his head.

THE PHONE RINGS, RON ANSWERS IT.

RON
Shore Harbor Police and Fire
Emergency Services...

TRESSA TALKING HEAD

TRESSA
I'm known as the practical joker
of this department. I like to rib
John, the El Tee, a lot. He's
like a second father to me. My
dad and him met in law school
about thirty years ago. They like
to go fishing every Sunday and
make the occasional crabbing
pilgrimage up the San Juan de Fuco
in my dad's boat "Always Sea
Questered."

CUT TO

EXT. ALWAYS SEQUESTERED - BOAT DOCK - DAY

Lt. John and Tressa's dad loading up the boat, foggy
morning, they are shooting the shit.

CUT TO

INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTER - NIGHT

TRESSA
As for that yahoo back there,
she's new here. Need to break her
in. Not sure what she expects
from us after working for a big
city, but we do things a bit
different here. These piercings?
Not even real.

JILLY
See? Magnetic.

TRESSA
The city handbook clearly states
the only permissible piercings
are�What Ron?

            RON
      (robotic)
Only are permissible on the lower
earlobe. Those considered
objectionable are nose, eyebrows,
            (MORE)

RON (cont'd)
tongue, lips, nipples, penile,
labia, and anywhere else other
then lower ear lobe, per section
thirteen dash twenty three, page
two hundred and twenty.

TRESS TALKING HEAD

TRESSA
I'm training my young padowan
here. She's a jokester in
training. Pretty soon she will be
of Jedi level. Although�I'm not
sure if this will get her fired or
not...

JILLY
(looking at Tressa)
What?

TRESSA
I can get away with it. Been here
for ten years. This one
though�Only been here less then a
year.

JILLY
Wait a minute...

JILLY REMOVES THE NOSE PIERCING.

TRESSA
Maybe I should have thought this
through.

JILLY STARES AT THE CAMERA

Christine and Lt. Cafferty are still frantically going
through the book in the background.

CUT TO

EXT. COUNCILMAN VALDERRAMA'S HOUSE 0030HRS - NIGHT

Officer Elliott is doing a perimeter check of the residence,
checking the doors, making sure the windows are closed.

OFFICER ELLIOTT (vo)
Part of our duty, which for the
record I think is completely
wrong, is babysitting a
councilperson's house when they
(MORE)

OFFICER ELLIOTT (cont'd)
are away. There are only two of
us on duty at any given time.
We're a small community.

OFFICER ELLIOTT TALKING HEAD

OFFICER ELLIOTT
Wouldn't you be upset knowing half
of your police force is doing
this? What about checking the
houses? Don't they all deserve
that? When I'm Chief, I'm going
to put a stop to that.

CUT TO

EXT. FERRY DOCK - NIGHT

Officer Magana is walking around with her flashlight looking
for the goat.

OFFICER MAGANA
(whistles)
Here Napoleon! (makes clicking
sounds with her tongue)

OFFICER MAGANA TALKING HEAD

OFFICER MAGANA
What I like best about police
work? The hours. Definitely the
hours. We all work a three
twelve, meaning three days a week,
twelve hours a day. Can't beat
that.

CUT TO

INT. LT. OFFICE - NIGHT

Cafferty is checking off some reports. His phone starts to
ring.

LT. JOHN
Cafferty. (beat) Yes she is. How
did you get this number? Please
hold.

Sighing, he shakes his head and gets up from behind the
desk, walking toward the communications center next to his
office.

CUT TO

INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTER - CONTINUOUS

LT. JOHN
Tressa?

TRESSA
(wicked smirk)
What's up El Tee?

LT. JOHN
There is a man on my phone asking
for you.

JILLY
Ohh a man. Does he sound hot?

LT. JOHN
He says his neighbor is horning
again and wants to speak with you.

TRESSA
Okay.

LT. JOHN
Any reason you gave him my private
line to call?

TRESSA WINKS AND SHRUGS THEN ANSWERS THE PHONE

TRESSA
Officer Broughton. He's horning
right now? Okay, give me the
address again, I'll send someone
out.

She types in the address. The lt. is rubbing his temples.

LT. JOHN
I'll take the 244. Send the
location to my unit.

TRESSA
Done and done. Toodles.

LT. JOHN
And Tressa, Jilly. Whatever you
two are up to with that, that on
your face. Please be nice to the
new supervisor. I don't want to
go through the hassle of hiring
another one yet again.

HE MOTIONS TO THEIR FACES.

TRESSA
Just hire me, that'll take care of
the problem.

LT. JOHN
If anyone in this comm center is
supervisor material, it's Ron over
there. One of our finest reserve
officers as well as dispatchers.

RON
Thank you sir.

LT. TURNS TO LEAVE.

TRESSA
(To Ron)
Kiss ass.

CUT TO

A montage of Ron in his police uniform, performing various
tasks, washing and gassing up the patrol unit, writing
reports�etc

RON (vo)
Yes, in addition to being a
tenured member of communications,
dispatcher to the layman, I also
am a reserve police officer as
well. It's gratis, but valuable
experience once I am able to
lateral over to Seattle PD.

CUT TO

INT. LT'S UNIT 0137HRS - MOMENTS LATER

LT. JOHN
That girl is like a niece to me,
but damned if she isn't going to
send me to an early retirement.

10.

Turning up the street, he kills the lights and parks the car
down from the address, picking up the MIC.

LT. JOHN
One Lincoln on scene.

RON (vo)
Copy One Lincoln.

He rolls down the window, and hears the intermittent honking
that looks to be coming from a car parked in the street a
few driveways down. A shadow can be seen in the drivers
side.

LT. JOHN
Well, there's the horner. Let's
go find out why he's doing that.

Cafferty walks up to the drivers side window, flashlight in
his right hand, left hand resting on the handle of his gun.
The honking is still going on. Flashing his light into the
car, a couple appears to be having sex against the steering
wheel.

LT. JOHN
(under his breath)
Horning.

THE COUPLE DOESN'T SEEM TO NOTICE HIM THERE.

            LT. JOHN
      (tapping the
       window)
Shore Harbor Police.

INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTER 0210 HOURS - NIGHT

LT. JOHN (vo)
One Lincoln, I'll be 30 in a few.
(Beat) Driver cited.

RON
Copy One Lincoln.

Jilly is doodling away, Tressa is playing MINECRAFT on her
iPad, Ron is immersed in his book. A red light starts
blinking. Jilly looks at it, then to Tressa.

JILLY
Hey, the blinky red light is on...

11.

TRESSA GLANCES, THEN GOES BACK TO MINECRAFT

TRESSA
Nine-one-one.

THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A FEW SECONDS

TRESSA
Well, answer it.

JILLY
Why don't you?

TRESSA
Because I know what to do. You
still have issues, especially with
how you answer the phone. I'm
the trainer and you're the trainee
and you need to do as I say.

Tressa pulls out what looks like a miniature cattle prod,
waving it in Jilly's face.

JILLY
(sighing.)
Fine. Nine eleven, what is your
emergency?

TRESSA ROLLS HER EYES AND ZAPS JILLY - CHRISTINE NOTICES

TRESSA TALKING HEAD

TRESSA
Technically, her training ended a
few months ago. Most people are
done with their training in three
months. But, she sucks. See how
she answered the phone? She
almost got fired over that
--answering it nine eleven instead
of nine one one. People
complained they couldn't find the
eleven button when dialing us for
emergency services.

CUT TO

INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY

Jilly and Tressa are talking to a classroom on public safety

12.

JILLY
Now remember our number. Nine
eleven, if you ever need our help,
just call and we will be there!
Whats our number kids?

CLASSROOM
(in unison)
Nine eleven!

CUT TO

INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTER - DAY

JILLY
(wincing)
Hello? Anyone there?

ELDERLY CALLER (vo)
Is this nine one one? Did I call
the wrong number?

JILLY
Yes, nine eleven, how can we
assist you?

TRESSA ELBOWS HER HARD ABOUT TO ZAP AGAIN

JILLY GRIMACES, LOOKING AT THE PHONE

JILLY
Yes this is nine one one. What is
your emergency?

ELDERLY CALLER (vo)
Yes please. I'm impotent and
can't get out of the house very
well.

JILLY
Come again?

            TRESSA
      (whispers -
       listens in)
Looks like he can't if he's
impotent.

RON SNICKERS, ALSO PICKING UP THE PHONE TO LISTEN

13.

CHRISTINE WALKS IN THE COMM CENTER, HANDS ON HIPS

CHRISTINE
(To Tressa)
Come with me. Now.

OC we see Christines arms are flailing, pointing to the prod
device. Tressa just shrugs.

JILLY
What do you need sir?

ELDERLY CALLER (vo)
I need an ambulance. I need to go
to the hospital. Please, now.

JILLY
Okay sir. We have your address
and will send emergency services
over.

Jilly types in the call. Ron and Tressa are muffling their
laughter. Ron dispatches the call to the medics.

RON
Engine Thirty One, Medic Thirty
One, respond to four one three
Woodland Drive, cross street
Harbor Shore, elderly male
needs�(pause) assistance and
possible transport to hospital.

MEDIC 31 (vo)
(over radio)
Medic 31 copy.

ENGINE 31 (vo)
(over radio)
Engine 31 copy.

MEDIC 31 (vo)
Medic 31 dispatch. What is the
problem, exactly?

RON
Elderly male claims to be
impotent, and needs transport to
the hospital.

MEDIC 31 (vo)
Come again?

RON TALKING HEAD

14.

RON
I'm a bit of a straight shooter.
(pause) Well, maybe a lot of a
straight shooter. Tressa and I
work well together. We're the
opposite extremes. (Lowers voice)
But one time, I thought it would
be fun, when someone asked me,
what I do for a living. I said
that I tell the cops and firemen
where to go and what to do. That
culminated in our biggest station
emergency in Harbor Shore.

CUT TO

EXT. STRIP MALL - DAY

WOMAN #1
Hey, cop! Go inside and fetch me
a coffee, pronto!

She gets arrested. A riot breaks out. People yelling at the
cops telling them what to do.

CUT TO

INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTER - MOMENTS LATER

RON
I'll never joke like that again.

TRESSA TALKING HEAD

TRESSA
The Harbor riot incident? Yeah,
wish I could take credit for that.
Sounds like something I would
have said. It's a mystery though.

RON STARES AT THE CAMERA

0403 HOURS

KATHY ELLIOTT WALKS INTO THE COMM CENTER

KATHY
Hey, if it isn't too busy, can you
get my husband to pick us up some
food?

15.

RON
Yeah! Taco Charlies?

KATHY
You got it.

Tressa gets up and starts dancing

TRESSA
You know what that means Ron!

Ron does a fist pump

KATHY TALKING HEAD

KATHY
Taco Charlie's is a Shore Harbor
institution. He makes the best
Mexican food. Period. Never mind
that he's Korean.

RON
What do you want Kat?

KATHY
(over her shoulder)
The usual.

TRESSA
(on the phone)
Hey Chuckie! yeah, one butt
blaster, a la cart, a chicken
tonsil teaser hold the tomatoes,
the colon clogger with everything,
double cheese, double bacon. (To
Jill) Newbie, you want anything?

JILLY
Gross. No.

TRESSA
�And extra tortillas.

RON
(claps giddy)
Thursday!Extra tortillas!

JILLY TALKING HEAD

JILLY
She eats like that almost every
night. It's disgusting. One of
these nights she's going to have a
heart attack and we'll have to
(MORE)

16.

JILLY (cont'd)
dispatch medics to our own comm
center.

TRESSA
(smiling wide)
That's the plan!

KATHY
There's an easier way to get the
fire guys in here, you know. Like,
oh I dont know, asking them?

JILLY
I think she's looking for a little
mouth to mouth though...cant
exactly ask them to do that

0410 HOURS

Tressa is typing away, sending officer Elliott on their food
run. Meanwhile, Christine walks in and sits down at the
comm center, manual still in hand and flipping through it.
Glancing at the computer, she eyes Tressa's entry.

CU OF ENTRY - "ELLIOTT T-17 WINGS CLIPPED"

CHRISTINE
What's this?

RON
Food run. Elliott's busy.

CHRISTINE
On whose authority?

TRESSA
(shrugging)
Mine.

CHRISTINE
You didn't even think to ask that
your supervisor might want
something?

CHRISTINE TALKING HEAD

CHRISTINE
This may be a small town, and they
may be used to doing things a
certain way in here, but that's
all going to change. I mean, if
there was a real, serious
emergency, and we had to pull the
(MORE)

17.

CHRISTINE (cont'd)
tapes and transcripts...

SHE LOOKS AT THE SCREEN WIDE-EYED

CHRISTINE (cont)
What�what is this call? This
transport?

JILLY
He said he was impotent.

CHRISTINE
Come again?

TRESSA
Nope, he can't.

RON
Yeah you can pull the tapes.

CHRISTINE LOOKS DEFEATED

CUT TO

INT. TACO CHARLIE'S - 0420 HOURS - NIGHT

Officer Elliott walking up to the counter, shaking Charlie's
hand. Their order is sitting on the counter in several
styrofoam containers.

CHARLIE
Here it is.

OFFICER ELLIOTT
Thank you Charlie.

NOTICES THE MENU NOW HAS GOAT TACOS

OFFICER ELLIOTT
Hey Charlie, I didn't know you had
goat tacos?

CHARLIE
Oh yes, new item! Fresh goat,
very tender!

OFFICER ELLIOTT LOOKS AT CAMERA

CHARLIE
Delicious, I threw one in for you,
free!

18.

OFFICER ELLIOTT
In which?

CHARLIE PULLS A WRAPPED ITEM OUT OF A BAG.

OFFICER ELLIOTT
Thank you Charlie.

CHARLIE UNWRAPS IT

CHARLIE
You want to try it now, tell me
what you think?

OFFICER ELLIOTT
No thanks, I um�I might be
allergic�to�that

CUT TO

INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTER 0423 HOURS - NIGHT

Officer Elliott is walking in, along with Officer Magana. He
looks concerned holding the bag of food. He hands Kathy her
container and is met by the Lt.

LT. JOHN
Any word on Napoleon?

OFFICER MAGANA
Not yet sir. Just heading to the
bathroom and I'll be right back
out to check.

OFFICER ELLIOTT
(nervous)
What's that?

LT. JOHN
Miss Kittredge's pygmy goat. (to
Magana) Did you talk to anyone at
the ferry dock?

OFFICER MAGANA
Oh well�nothing last night. But,
someone should be there in about
thirty minutes. I'll ask the
morning crew.

19.

LT. JOHN PATS HER ON THE BACK

LT. JOHN
Thank you.

OFFICER ELLIOTT LOOKS AT THE CAMERA

He hands out the orders to Ron and Tressa. The goat taco is
still in the bag.

OFFICER ELLIOTT
You didn't get anything, Jilly?

JILLY
Heck no. Don't trust the food
there.

OFFICER ELLIOTT
Good choice. Christine?

SHE IS STILL FLIPPING THROUGH THE MANUAL.

TRESSA
We uh forgot. (Pause) What's in
the bag?

OFFICER ELLIOTT
(stutters)
It's, I, uh, er, nothing.

RON
Looks like you're holding out on
us.

OFFICER ELLIOTT
New menu item. Charlie wanted me
to try it, but I...

TRESSA
(interrupts)
What is it? Come on, pass it
over.

CHRISTINE STANDS UP, SNATCHES THE BAG FROM ELLIOTT

CHRISTINE
You have enough food there with
that burrito bomb. I'll take it,
thank you very much, since you
weren't nice enough to ask if I
was hungry. Which I am.

20.

SHE UNWRAPS IT AND TAKES A BIG BITE

CHRISTINE
(full mouth)
Mmm. Delicious!

OFFICER ELLIOTT
Oh God.

TRESSA
What's wrong?

OFFICER ELLIOTT
(whispers)
New item. Charlie said it was
(long beat). Goat.

TRESSA SPITS OUT HER MOUTHFUL OF BURRITO AND STARTS LAUGHING

CHRISTINE
What?

JILL STARES WIDE EYED

TRESSA
Nothing. Just enjoy your taco.
(pause) You did remember the
extra tortillas?

OFFICER ELLIOTT HANDS THEM TO HER.

TRESSA
(seeing Magana)
Hey Lasagna!

MAGANA WALKS INTO THE COMM CENTER, ANNOYED

OFFICER MAGANA
(enunciating)
It's Ma-ga-na

TRESSA
Whatever, tomato, toma-toe. Hey
think we might have a lead on
Napoleon.

ELLIOTT LOOKS AT TRESSA

OFFICER MAGANA
A call come in?

21.

TRESSA
Just received an anonymous tip.
I'll send the info to your unit.

CHRISTINE
I didn't hear the phone.

TRESSA
Wasn't a phone call. Anyway, be
on your way Lasagna.

MAGANA LOOKS AT THE CAMERA, THEN HEADS OUT

TRESSA TALKING HEAD

TRESSA
She's a newbie. I love (censored)
with newbies.

CHRISTINE LOOKS AT HER TACO, THEN TO TRESSA.

0500 HOURS

Kathy walks in, throwing a couple of reports in front of
Tressa.

TRESSA
Hell's this?

KATHY
A couple of TC reports, a
vandalism report. Need you to
proof them for me, then file them.

TRESSA THROWS THEM IN FRONT OF JILLY. JILLY PASSES TO RON

KATHY
What are you doing?

            TRESSA
      (playing mine
       craft)
I'm busy. Newbie can do it.

KATHY
Yeah but I asked you. Besides,
she's not a newbie, her probation
should have ended six months ago.
What are you doing anyway?

22.

TRESSA
Building my world. It's almost
complete, but you are distracting
me.

JILLY
Wait, what? I'm off probation.

TRESSA
It's been extended.

KATHY TALKING HEAD

KATHY
I love Tressa. She's like a
sister to me. In fact, we started
at the same time, went to training
together. But without a doubt,
she is the laziest mother
(censored) I have ever met! She
should try my job for once! I
have to take the reports the
officers write, then type them
into the computer. (censored)

0540 HOURS -- ALMOST END OF SHIFT

Tressa, Jilly and Ron are flinging tortillas back and forth.
Jilly gets smacked in the face, and sits down.

RON TALKING HEAD

RON
Tortilla frisbee is a long
standing tradition between Tressa
and myself. Every Thursday,
Elliott gets us extra tortilla's
and just before end of watch, we
play. The goal is for the one
throwing to slap the recipient in
the face with the tortilla. The
goal of the recipient is to catch
it in the mouth. Kind of like
dodgeball.

CHRISTINE WALKS IN, SMUGLY SMILING.

CHRISTINE
I found it. It clearly states
here, and I quote:
Earrings are permissible on the
lower
earlobe. Those considered
objectionable are nose, eyebrows,
(MORE)

23.

CHRISTINE (cont'd)
tongue, lips, nipples, penile,
labia, and anywhere else other
then lower ear lobe, per section
thirteen dash twenty three, page
two hundred and twenty. (makes a
face of disgust) Labia and
Penile? Who does that?

JILLY
Lot of people do.

CHRISTINE
Well the two of you will be
getting an immediate written
reprimand. Those piercings must
be removed at once.

TRESSA
Whatever you say boss.

TRESSA SCRAPES OFF THE PIERCING. JILLY SLIDES HERS OFF

CHRISTINE
Wait, those weren't even real.

TRESSA
Nope, can't write us up. Never
had illegal piercings.

CHRISTINE
You let me waste my time this
entire shift?

TRESSA
Sure looks that way.

CHRISTINE
I should write you up for that!

RON
Technically you can't. There's
nothing in the manual about
practical jokes.

CHRISTINE
(frustrated)
Well then...Ill write you up for
the taser, cattle prod thing

RON
I dont think theres anything in
the manual about that either.

24.

TRESSA
I think of it as when you have to
train a dog...you know, break it
of its bad habits?

CHRISTINE
(fuming)
Unbelievable. And what are you
two doing?

RON
End of watch tortilla frisbee
tournament.

TRESSA FLINGS IT AT CHRISTINE, SLAPPING HER IN THE FACE.

TRESSA
(triumpant)
Goal!

CUT TO

EXT. DECK OF FERRY - MORNING

Napoleon the goat is at the front of the ferry bleating, as
it approaches the Seattle area, while people sit in their
cars, not paying attention.

FADE OUT.

Feedback

From david mckinley	Date 10/18/2014
Just one question are you the famous author Tania Penn?

From Jeffrey L Jones	Date 9/20/2014
At first I thought it jumped around too much, but it works, and is funny. I'm not the greatest screenwriter, but I was an editor for quite a while and I will approach this the way I would correct the screenplay. Right off the bat, I like the writing style. It's funny. Good first draft. I finished it! I had a slight problem with she "should be taking notes". That can't be shown. It has to be said -- unless you show that others are taking notes and she isn't. P2. Last nights (plural) shift should be night's shift (possessive). And it's just me, but I don't think there's a need to "CUT TO" when there's a scene change. The transition is implied by the scene heading. Instead of (pause) inline, I would use the parenthetical function of Scriptbuddy. And I personally would use beat. That's me. On P4, you don't set up �LT. JOHN TALKING HEAD�. There is no as to what's happening during the narration. Is it an empty room, a recurring room for these vignettes? Is the camera zooming in on him while his words are spoken? The scene needs to be set up more. I can't see it. And I personally prefer reading LT. JOHN (V.O.). It's easier to follow, especially when the talking head is on a page break, as has happened here twice so far. But as I read farther, talking head as a mast is fine, but the screen is black. You're stating nothing about how this looks. Usually in scenes like this, someone is doing something while the person is narrating. In comedies, the narration is often interactive with the action. Camera zooms on tush while he's talking. That kind of stuff. The scene could continue during the voice-over but I would mention what the person is doing or what plays out during the words in scene direction. You seem to alternate between using all-caps in your scene direction. On page 5 where you have �LT. CAFFERTY AND TRESSA'S DAD LOADING UP THE BOAT� Are you using subheading instead of Scene direction? Scene direction is easier to read than subheading. Page 8. Too many parentheticals. The pauses are implied. Not needed. The �Turns to walk out.� should be elevated to scene direction or at least a real parenthetical with its own line(s). Page 12, Christine appears out of nowhere. She should enter, and we don't know who she says �Come with me. Now.� to. The parenthetical should be (to Tressa). Hands on hips should be part of the scene direction. More parenthetical problems. Not accustomed to reading them. You also use ellipses (...) a lot. I prefer them in prose, but -- seems to be the norm in scripts. I'd rather see either than (pause). P16, On who's authority should be whose. �Who's� means �who is� or �who was� It can be possessive only in the case of that's Dr. Who's tardis. P16, you have a huge parenthetical for Christine instead of scene direction. It is absolutely not dialogue. Parentheticals should not be complete thoughts. Page 17. Is that (pause) really necessary? If it doesn't change the meaning, delete it. P19 Your for you're. God should be caps as used. P23. I learned a new word, Bleating.

Leave Feedback

You must be logged in to leave feedback.

Home My Account Products Screenwriter Community Screenwriter's Corner Help