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American We
by Hans Rogerson (hrogerson@wvpubcast.org)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review:

Screenplay loosely based on my adventures in the Philippines. Feedback is welcome. This is my first attempt at a screenplay, go easy on me.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



Hans wakes up in his studio chair, headphones still on and
looks at his watch.
What the? Shit...STAAT!!!
Camera cuts to Stat in bed.
It's 10 friggin' til!
Hans rushes to make coffee, realizes power is out.
Stat enters room gargling and getting dressed. Hans grabs a
beer and they fumble out the door.
They go outside, next door porch light is on.
You said you took care of the
shutoff notice.
Flashback-Stat goes to utility office slapping an envelope
that says Electric Bill. He sees strippers getting out of a
taxi going into the strip club. Stat backtracks into the
Back to present.
We're gonna be late, I'll take
care of it after work homie.
MUSIC-1:00(Neil Sedaka-"Wheeling, WV") The two ride double
on bike over the Suspension Bridge, Hans is brushing his
teeth and drinking a beer. As they arrive at work Vinnie is


impatiently waiting in front of TelePlanet's office
About time...I got shit to
deliver. You're fuckin' up my game
Stat hands Vinnie $10
      (Handing Stat a
       Dime Bag of Weed)
That other shit made you late,
this here will get you fired.
Vinnie is lowering bike seat, ready to take off on the bike
for his job as a messenger.
Look Vinnie we lost our power.
Be late tomorrow and I'm gonna
lose my size 5 in your ass.
Go on Mini-Vinnie, don't let the
grass tickle your nuts.
Vinnie turns around while riding the bike.
You bastard, I'm gonna...
Vinnie runs into a blind guy. Blind guy is cussing and gives
him the finger, and takes a swing in exact opposite
direction of Vinnie's position. The swing nearly hits an old
lady. The old lady kicks the blind guy in the nuts.
Hans & Stat arrive at work
      (straightening tie)
Conference room now gents, Stan
Bradford is in from corporate.
Hans & Stat enter a full conference room.


Good morning my prized TelePlanet
employees. I've come here today to
inform you of our immediate plans
to re-locate our Wheeling based
call center to the Philippines.
And in our most sincere
appreciation for all of your hard
work, we have severance checks for
$100 (flashes check) with all of
your names on them. In addition
we are offering transferral to our
Manila operations center for all
of those interested. Anyone? Okay,
now back to work.
Stat Raises his hand and coaxes Hans to raise his hand.
Right here sir.
Well then, I suggest the two of
you get with human resources.
Conference room clears out.
What the hell was that? They don't
wanna send us to the Philippines,
we sue there ass SWEET. Stat you
my Mu'fucka
No, we're goin' were goin' c'mon.
Cut to Boss' office.
You assured me that none, meaning
not one...sure as hell not two
employees would take us up on this
offer. And you expect that
transfer to Poughkeepsie? I
suggest you unfuck this.
Cut to couch in break area.


Look, you can't make it on a local
Filipino wage. I care too much
about you guys. You'll have
typhoons, Muslim rebels, malaria.
Stat gets up, but Hans grabs him.
No, wait... when I was in the
Corps. thats all my boys talked
about. The women, the sun, more
women. We're friggin' there Stat,
let's go do this paperwork.
Boss desperately grabs Hans.
Look if you go...I lose my job.
If I don't go, I lose MY job. I'll
send you a postcard boss.
My uncle got malaria in Nam.
      (Grabs Stat)
Come on.
Hans and Stat go into HR office and sit down, door slams.
Two one way tickets to Manila
Bump elbows, High five, hands grip, and Yank.
      (And Hans in
Hell to the
Hans is rehearsing a song, Stat is looking up the
Philippines on the internet, and smoking a bong.
Vinnie knocks at the door to return the bike. Stat answers
the door Vinnie punches him in the stomach.


That's for this morning
      (Gasping, smoke
       coming out of his
Vinnie, you want the bike...It's
Vinnie assists a slumped over Stat.
OK I'm sorry Stat.
Stat punches Vinnie in the nuts.
I'm sorry Stat.
      (Hands vinnie a
Have a beer.
      (High Pitched)
So why the bike? You goin' back to
We took jobs with TelePlanet in
the Philippines.
No shit, when do you guys leave?
Next Monday.
What about your comedy show? All
those people who already bought
I'll disappear, not like I haven't
done that before. Takin' the Stat
show international.


And I'm gonna do the rap thing.
They love American Hip-Hop over
Hey Vinnie, you'll never guess
what I found while packing my shit
earlier...A picture of you and
your dad.
Lemme see, I've been looking for
that for years. (Tears Up) God
rest his soul.
A picture of an Afro'd Vinnie (as his dad) holding a baby
Damn Vinnie you're his spittin'
image, minus the 'fro.
Vinnie's dad was a circus midget.
Co-founder of the "Flying
I used to love the friggin'
Speaking of midgets...
Vinnie walks over to a chart on the wall with tick marks and
a pot of gold on the bottom mark and Stat measures his
Another 1/16 of an inch,just in
the last month, not bad.
At my current rate of spinal
compression its gonna be about 12
to 15 months before I become
legally midgified. When I get that
disability check, I'm right there
with yinz.


Yeah Vinnie, you'd be almost
normal size over there.
      (Motions to TV)
You know this digital flat screen
wont work anywhere in Asia?
Vinnie whatevers left, you're
welcome to all your little
abbreviated ass can carry.
Get it in while you can big bro,
and when you meet Manny Pacquiao I
want an autograph.
We're gonna be so large, Manny
Pacquiao is gonna want Big Hans
and Stat's autograph.
They all toast "To The Philippines"
Music(Hot Dog "Manila"-airport arrival and taxi ride with
various street scenes and traffic).
Hans and Stat walk into apartment office.
Landlord walks in.
We have reservations for your
penthouse suite.
Come along my friends.
Takes Hans & Stat to room
Place is filthy and hot, close-up of them both with sweat
beaded on their faces.


Very Nice, just like America. You
get rest I come back.
Don't say shit, you're the one
that got us here.
I love it.
They both rush to the fan and bang heads.
We just gotta get acclimatized.
Their hair and lips are blowing in the wind
We're getting air conditioning or
a fuckin' heat stroke.
How does a cold brewdog sound
right about now?
Very necessary.
So this is Manila?
Feels like I'm in a dream.
That's just the humidity let's
find some beers.
They walk past many places that are unappealing. Old Guy
getting a pedicure singing karaoke.("Sean Kingston-Beautiful
Girls") They go into a native place and order beers, then
go into the bathroom. A bunch of ladyboys are there in
front of the mirror, so they do a 180, but see that the door
says "mens". The ladyboys are like "Hey Joe" come on in.
They run for their lives as the ladyboys give chase.


Hans & Stat are now safe and slow down (panting). They see a
bar with an American Flag and a row of motorcycles parked in
OK, here we go, this looks like a
nice place.
We're not bikers.
But we're American as fuckin' in
the back seat. Come on playa.
They enter bar.
Music-(Stayin' Alive) They enter to find a geriatric gang
with "Silver Skulls" patches (Grey-haired skulls with cross
canes) They are getting stared at while taking a seat at the
bar. Camera close-up slowly zooming out from Greyskull and
his gang. One guy with a pill box organizer on the table,
another using his inhaler, another asleep with his nurse
checking his heartbeat with a stethascope, and another dude
checking his insulin. There are guys around with cash on the
table betting on the guys insulin reading. The guy says
"284 crikey", another guy exuberantly jumps up and grabs his
Can we get a couple of beers?
Well, we're a big hit with the
Hey, that's a good thing...Ya just
gotta know how to do a pecker
check over here.
Alright, you can be my official
pecker checker.
I already got one checkin' me
out(motions) over there.
Greyskull's girl is eyeing Stat


Let's just have our beers and no
more shit for the day...Alright?
Greyskull sees Stat eyeing his girl and approaches.
We aint been here 2 fuckin'
minutes Stat.
You got a problem with your
eyeballs, son?
Calm down General MacArthur, this
is peacetime.
Looks like naptime for your cranky
Skulls up!
Gang slowly forms up. Hans seperates Stat and Greyskull.
Look were just gonna have our
beers and we're out.
Get your dick skinners off of me
Boy? There's nothing but space and
opportunity between you and this
Hans punches Greyskull.
And there just went the space.
MUSIC-"Party Up" DMX. Hans and Stat start kicking there
asses. Hans gives a guy a wedgie and his shitty Depends come
off. MUSIC CUTS-"Enter the Dragon" sound effect. Stat gets
his shirt ripped and ketchup on his chest, tastes the
ketchup and starts doing Bruce Lee on them. An old guy with
a Filipino assistant carrying his oxygen tank has the
assistant jump in front of the punches to the face from Stat
and tries to swing in between blows. Meanwhile, Hans is


getting beaten Rodney King style by the gang with their
canes. Stat starts head butting the guy and is knocked
unconscious by the oxygen tank when the assistant lifts it
between them. Gunny Flea enters and sees Hans' USMC tattoo.
                       GUNNY FLEAH
At Ease!!!
Silver Skulls stop immediately.
                       GUNNY FLEAH
I told you guys, do your
ass-kickin' outside.
The gang slowly exits while Gunny Flea helps Hans up and
serves him a beer.
                       GUNNY FLEAH
I'm Gunnery Sergeant Victor
Fleahman, United States Marine
Corps. retired. They call me
Gunny Fleah, I own the joint. So
what brings you to the Philippines
Devil Dog?
                       GUNNY FLEAH
Don't worry about the Skulls, they
ran out of ass to kick since that
turf war with the Koreans.
Lucky us.
                       GUNNY FLEAH
Well you're welcome here any time,
you and your friend.
Stat wakes up with a shitty Depends on his face.
Stat runs to the bathroom.


I cleared the joint out Stat,
while you were busy gettin'
                       GUNNY FLEAH
You're gonna love The Philippines.
I first came to U.S. Naval
Station Subic Bay in 1990 and
never looked back. What did you do
in the Corps.?
0351 Dragon gunner.
                       GUNNY FLEAH
Amen brother...I was a goddamn
dragon check this here out.
He places Hans's hand on his head and pushes, his cranium
caves in. (Squeaking noise)
                       GUNNY FLEAH
Beruit 1983
Gunny puts Hans' hand in his chest and it goes halfway
                       GUNNY FLEAH
Panama '89.
Gunny places his arm near the refrigerator magnets and they
all cling to his forearm.
                       GUNNY FLEAH
Hell, I got more metal in me than
you average robot.
Stat returns to bar.
Stat this is Gunny Flea. Gunny
Fleah, Stat.
Stat sits down and they begin chatting.
Tick enters
                       GUNNY FLEAH
This is my nephew Tick.
Hey, What's up Yall?


Fleah and Tick That goes together
like mold & friggin' mildew.
They call me Tick because I'm a
Breakdancer, and I got a wicked
fuckin' nervous tick. When I sing
it goes away. I was on American
Idol. Wanna see?
Tick puts in the video of "I Shot the Sheriff" and they
start chatting
                                         FADE OUT
Hans and Stat wake up, Stat is bandaged. Hans has a black
Today is the first day of our new
Man I feel like...Look at that
shiner...I can't go to work like
You're good man look at me.
Is that a suntan or a permanent
shit stain?
Stat looks in the mirror.
Depends..Don't worry Stat can fix
That's what I was afraid of.
                                         FADE OUT


Hans and Stat arrive. Hans is wearing Sunglasses and Stat is
bandaged and tries to cover it with a bandanna.
Hello sir, we're looking for
I'm Willie.
I am Stat, This is Hans.
Hans and Stat extend to shake hands, Willie declines.
First thing, you will look and act
professional. no headband, no
Hans & Stat start to remove and reveal their injures.
Bad trike accident.
Ok, put them back on. Come along.
They all walk onto work floor area and approach R.J.
      (Trying to sound
What Up My Niggas?
This is R.J. he will be training
the two of you.
Let's get it crackin'
Willie takes the two to their cubicles and starts
instructing them...While this is going on Stat sees Alma for
the first time...(MUSIC-Etta James "At Last"-Slo Mo of Alma
walking, smiling). They make eye contact briefly. Music cuts
Stat is back in reality and puts on his headset


                                         COVER SHOT OF
Stat, Hans, and R.J. are eating in the lunchroom.
Yo, this morning was hype yall'.
It's on this afternoon fam.
R.J. puts his fist up to give them a pound.
Look, R.J. not all Americans talk
ghetto. That's just a stereotype
from MTV and the movies.
But I am a gangsta.
Yo, I'm a rapper and I don't talk
or act like that. Ya gotta keep it
real...be yourself...That's what's
You're really a rapper? So you
know Slim Shady?
No, Let's just say I'm
underground. And my boy Stat here
is a stand-up comedian.
Well, my uncle owns a nightclub. I
can get you guys a gig for sure.
You hear that Stat?
Close up of Stat.
Slow Motion-Shot of Alma as Willie brings her food, acting
all lovey dovey. MUSIC-Frankie-Valli "Can't Take My Eyes Off
Of You"


I need to holla at that shorty
over there.
That's Alma, she's Willie's
That's the last guy you wanna piss
off Stat.
Like he really loves us to begin
Stat goes over and tries to suck up to Willie while
introducing himself to Alma.
R.J. I need to get him laid before
he gets us both fired.
Boom boom, no problem in
Philippines. I take you to the
club tonight, after work.
Stat returns looking lovestruck.
So how'd that go Statsanova?
Alma is her name.
You knew that before you went over
there. R.J. is gonna show us
around the bar scene tonight. I'm
sure you'll forget all about her
by tomorrow morning.
That is the future Mrs. Stat, but
we can go to the club...No
ladyboys R.J.


Hans and Stat are looking wide-eyed at the lovely Pinay
My uncle just texted me, he said
Thursday night you will both
I can't believe we're here less
than a week & we're doin' our
We gonna tear it up boy.
Do you think I should invite Alma?
Man get her out of your head.
Bell Rings
What the hell's that?
Bell ring, free drinks for
Courtesy of Crocodile Dundee over
Hey Mate, I'm drunk as a
skunk...Drinks are on me.
Bell rings over and over shot of accumulated empty beers.
Bargirl Norma approaches.
R.J. I love the Philippines, I
love Aussies, and I love what's
your name sweet thang?


My boy Stat here want's to know
when you're gonna get up on stage
After him...
No you don't understand.
      (To Stat)
After you...hehe
I'll be back.
Stat is dressed in a bikini and comes out with the next
group of dancers. He starts dancing and tries to get tips a
drunk Aussie comes and tips him.
See R.J. I can't take him
Maybe he can work at the gay bar.
We gotta get outta here.
Hans and R.J. go to get Stat offstage to many jeers from the
                                         FADE OUT
Shot of TV- Jhun Longhair Commercial "Hairaoke"
Oh my God Stat, look at this
friggin' cheesedick on TV. If they
listen to this trash, we're gonna
be like fuckin' Elvis over here.
Jhun Longhair...Pacific Blues.
That's RJ's uncles place. We're
opening up for this clown.


These Filipinos must be stuck in
some kind of time warp, they call
this talent?
Commercial ends with Jhun Longhair singing "Mandy".
      (Singing to the
       tune of "Mandy")
Oh Longhair, you suck and you look
like a douchebag.
Alright Stat...We can't be late
again. We bounce now we're good.
They walk towards door-Exit.
They look at backed up traffic. Simultaneously
They jump into trike.
                                         FADE OUT
                                         FADE IN
They are still in trike and have moved about a half a block.
Yo, we gotta do something
      (To guy on bike)
My man let me rent this for the
Stat hands him 100PHP, and they take off on the bike.
Be back here around 5 O'clock.
They dangerously weave in and out of traffic.


Hans and Stat appear at work sweating and panting.
Willie is waiting by clock.
Look Willie. I can explain. The
traffic was crazy, so we rode a
bike in this heat just to get to
work on time.
Well, you are NOT on time. But you
are now ON probation. In my
They enter office, door closes.
R.J. and Alma congregate outside Willie's office.
I tried to punch their time cards,
but Willie was right there, why
does he hate those guys?
I Don't know.
Door opens-Hans and Stat carry out their probation forms.
Willie embraces Alma.
Good morning, my dear.
Alma, If you are not busy tonight
I would like to invite you to
Pacific Blues to see me perform.
Why, yes we have reservations.
To see Jhun Longhair of course.
Now he is pure class.
What class? Special Ed.?


      (Scowls at Hans)
Get to work now.
Ladies and gentlemen , all the way
from the U.S. give it up for my
homie Big Hans.
Hans performing "Die By My Pen"- Dance floor scatters.
      (Motions to the
       D.J. #3)
Alright, alright...Y'all wanna
"Alone" comes on...Stat gets up and starts dancing on a
still empty dance floor. Shots of an unresponsive crowd.
Ya know what? Maybe...Is it the
language thing? Or? I don't know,
but I don't do that booty dance
stuff they call rap
nowadays...Salamat, now give it up
for my boy Stat.
Hans dejectedly tosses the mic in the air and Stat catches
Stat introduces himsef, does a blonde joke, no crowd
response. Person in audience says "what is a blonde"?
Stat tells a fat joke.
No fat people in Philippines Joe,
only foreigners like you.
Crowd Laughs
Oh, so we got a comedian in the
crowd. You think you can come up
here and do this?
OK Joe...(Tells Filipino joke)


Crowd laughs, he continues, and Stat retreats in disgust.
What the hell was that? Blonde
Heckler tells another joke, crowd laughs.
If this guy makes it he owes you
big time.
R.J. comes onstage and takes the mic from the heckler amidst
the applause.
Ladies and gentlemen, a man who
needs no introduction...Jhun
Jhun comes onstage, crowd goes wild. Sings "Take Me Home,
Country Roads"
They going bananas for this
friggin' cheesy, unoriginal,
Filipino Fabio lookin'...
Well, you can hang it up, but I
just need to re-work my material
for a Filipino audience.
I'm gonna get hammered til this
Longhair cocksucker doesn't make
me miss the living hell outta John
Willie and Alma pass by.
Oh, Hi Alma...Willie, you missed
the show.
Thank God.
Have a seat.
Willie'e friend is motioning for him to join them up front.


No, we go...Don't be late tomorrow
boys, Willie is always watching.
Willie grabs Alma and they quickly join their party.
Jhun pulls Jinky from the crowd...Duet "Where is the Love?"
Oh my God Stat, there she is...The
most beautiful, and her voice.
That's probably Longair's lady.
Look at that chemistry.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
Thank you very much, and now the
lovely Jinky Lopez.
"Material Girl"or "Like a Virgin" comes on.
Get out, she's giving me that look
Stat. She's singing to me...I
gotta step to her.
Camera shows her looking at Hans, song ends.
Hans approaches Jinky.
Excuse me Miss Jinky...My name is
Hans, from the U.S.
I saw you onstage...Hans from the
Can I have a seat?
This seat is taken.
Can I buy you a drink?


OK, well it was nice meeting you.
And I think you are a great
Jinky looks away and ignores Hans.
OK, I guess I'll catch you later.
Hans dejectedly goes back to his table and sits down.
She's outta your league.
I'm outta this joint.
Hans Exits.
Hans crosses the street, gets some food and sits down. He
sees a young street kid staring at him and motions for the
kid to come over.
Hey Joe, what is your name?
My name is Joe, how did you know,
are you psychic?
I'm Filipino.
Just kiddin' my man what's your
Manhattan, that's a nice American
My daddy American.


Really? Where is your daddy?
In Heaven.
I'm sorry lil' buddy, what are you
doing out alone this late?
I'm with my lolo.
Camera shows a lady sitting on the ground panhandling.
Here have some food, I'm not
hungry...French fries, try one.
Yeah, Masarap.
Jinky comes outside and sees Hans talking with Manhattan,
slapping high-5 and laughing.
Hans walks Manhattan over to his grandmother and hands her
some money...Close-up of Jinky's face as she observes this.
                                         FADE OUT
Hans & Stat in line waiting to punch time cards.
In the words of Ice Cube, today
was a good day.
We both kicked some ass.
Now if I could just forget about
last night.
Ya can't give it up man. I'm gonna
get Alma and be the best damn
comic there ever was in this


                       STAT (cont'd)
I'm used to the rap failing, but
Jinky and the way she just
dismissed me like that.
How about we go to the bar and see
Gunny Fleah, I'm buying.
Alma enters
Alma, I missed you today. Looking
stunning as always.
Hello Stat...Hans.
Alma I was just wondering if...you
would like to...
      (Grabs Alma)
Come along, Alma belongs to
me...Stay away.
Alma frees herself from Willie.
I Don't belong to you.
As I was saying, how 'bout we kick
it some time?
I would love to...Kick it?
What? You are going to leave me
and go with this talunan?
What did he say? Sounds like
fightin' words to me.


      (Grabbing Stat)
Look you got the date with
      (In sissy looking
       fighting stance)
I wish you would homie.
                                         FADE OUT
EXT. 7-11 - DAY
These dogs don't look the same as
back home.
Bright red, looks like a fuckin'
dog dick.
They both take a bite.
Close-up of dog taking a shit in front of them.
Jesus H. Christ.
Hans throws his hot dog at the dog. (Looks at Stat who is
gobbling his hot dog down)
Did you build up some type of shit
tolerance after your diaper
Stat, with a full mouth says something inaudible, swallows.
And fuck off.
4 street kids, age 6-8yrs. old approach.
                       1ST KID
      (Looking at Stat)
Hey Joe, why you here in
                       2ND KID
I know why, Joe want that


Both kids start making hand fucking motion. Hans and Stat
are lauging their asses off.
Jhun Longhair pulls up with music blaring himself singing
Silk's "Freak Me". His car is a convertible Beetle cheesily
pimped out with synthetic ponytailed hair blowing from the
soft top, and Jhun's face airbrushed on the hood. The street
kids run up to Longhair with hands out begging.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
You little maggots, go away. Don't
touch the ride. Sound of car
Jhun enters the store.
Are you thinkin' what I'm
7-11, fresh dog shit, dip shit
The old convenient store scheme.
Pop singer gets the brownfinger.
(motions to kids) Yo, come here.
Hans hands them money, an empty plastic bag and whispers
them instructions.
Jhun is in the store clearing out the hair products section
singing to himself. He approaches the counter with a full
Jhun comes out of the store with 2 full grocery bags. He
then reaches under the door handle to open the car door and
pulls out a big mass of dog shit. The bags fall and scatter
the hair products. Longhair is furiously cussing out the
kids. He tries to give chase but trips over a can of
hairspray. Shit gets in his hair. The kids are laughing and
giving Longhair the finger.
Let's get the fuck outta here.


Gunny Fleah is spread out on the bar, and a bargirl is
drinking a flaming shot from the hole in his sternum area
with a straw. Tick is singing Karaoke.("Born in the USA")
                       GUNNY FLEAH
Alright Ladies, who else wants a
free Flamin' Fleah?
Two more bargirls step up for a drink.
                       GUNNY FLEAH
Hey boys, What's happenin'?
Just stoppin' by for a drink.
                       GUNNY FLEAH
How'd it go last night? Sorry I
couldn't make it, my bartender
called off.
It was horrendous.
But we're gonna re-work things and
give it another shot.
This guys never known when to call
it quits.
Gunny Fleah stands up.
                       GUNNY FLEAH
No, devil dog. What did old
MacArthur say when he left the
I shall return.
                       GUNNY FLEAH
And you guys are gonna make a
comeback. You just got to relate
with your surroundings. You're not
back in West Virginia...Adapt and


Think about Jinky, do you think
she wants to date a telemarketer?
Bell Rings, Freeze frame of Hans' face.
Gonna Fly Now-(MUSIC)Hans and Stat are stretching and start
jogging through the market. A kid tosses Stat a fruit then
runs behind them until Stat reaches in his pocket to pay
him. They continue and interact with many different people
then they go up some steps and start jumping up and down
triumphantly, While the Filipinos in the area are looking
at them like they are crazy. Music then transitions to
"American Me". Shots of Stat in mirror practicing routine.
Hans writing raps and practicing on mixing board. Stat
practicing at LZ and Hans rapping at LZ with Silver Skulls
dancing and a couple are dressed like thugs. One Skull puts
in his false teeth gold grill. The two excelling at work and
finally ending with Hans & Stat posing in front of our
photos as "Employees of the Month" They Bump fists and video
freezes on shot.
Hans and Stat are sitting at a table drinking beers. Tick
joins them as a bargirl lifts up his shirt to reveal a huge
scar from his botched surgery. The bargirl begins rubbing
ointment on the scar.
What's crackin' fellas?
Who in the hell carved you up like
it was Thanks friggin'giving?
Dr. Lang-Mura.
One of those geriatric gangsters?
No, a real doctor...Word of
advice, never use a 1/2 off coupon
for a surgeon whose office is in
the back of a titty bar. I had a
hernia operation, and he
accidentally took out my spleen.
It's been traumatic, I've been


                       TICK (cont'd)
taking these happy pills ever
since. (Swallows Pills)
What...Did he get the 1/2 off
coupon mixed up with the 2-for-1
Hans pats Tick on the back.
Don't sweat it big guy, spleens
are for pussies.
So, you had your spleen removed?
NO, but it's an ACCESSORY that I
don't use.
How do you not use your spleen?
(To Stat) I tell this guy spleens
are for pussies, and he's breakin'
my balls for ownin' a spleen. Is
he purposely, inadvertently
callin' me a pussy?
I wouldn't exactly...
Hey kid, I like ya.
Hans gets in Tick's face.
But I'll fuck you the fuck
up...(pause)If you don't go sing
me some Barry Gotdamn Manilow.
Hans lightly slaps Tick on his cheek and bursts out
laughing. Tick and Stat start laughing.
I gotcha, boy...Are you gonna sing
or what numbnuts?


My vocal chords are a little
      (Motions to
Yo, get Clay (Mimicks nervous
tick) Shakin' a beer over here.
Gunny Fleah enters.
                       GUNNY FLEAH
What's poppin' gents? Big night
tonight, eh?
Yeah, I'm ready...But Stat here's
got a date with Miss Alma, and
I've never seen him so shook.
                       GUNNY FLEAH
Stat, get it together my man. You
flop again it's curtains for ya.
How 'bout you postpone that date,
it's a little too much for one
night don't ya think? You need to
be focused.
This might be my only shot with
Alma, I gotta do this now.
                       GUNNY FLEAH
Then what are you worried about
I'm so nervous, I just don't wanna
come off as a square. And if I be
myself, it might be too
much...Then I gotta go onstage.
                       GUNNY FLEAH
Stat, you're slicker than 2 eels
fuckin' in a bucket of
snot...You're a gotdamn
telemarketer...You could sell
dumbells to a thick man in
quicksand. The product is you,


                       GUNNY FLEAH (cont'd)
believe in yourself and go sell
some Stat like it was on the
doggone stock exchange.
Fuck yeah.
                       GUNNY FLEAH
You guys are a couple of tropical
storms fixin' to morph into one
super duper typhoon and tear the
roof off that sumbitch...OORAH!!!
                       GUNNY FLEAH
I'll be there pullin' for ya
boys...Just don't forget about me
when you guys get big.
Gunny, you're about as forgettable
as herpes.
                       GUNNY FLEAH
Good one...I'll have to put that
one (tink,tink) in the old ammo
Gunny hits his steel plate with his USMC ring."...Put that
in the old ammo can"
Did I ever tell you the story
about the time I worked as a bike
messenger for God?
(laughs) I don't think so.


Yeah, I just delivered miracles
all day, one after the other, it
was exhausting.
I can imagine.
I got sick of it, ya know, so I
thought why don't I keep one for
me, a little tip for the extra
effort, I mean come on. But then I
got all paranoid, like God's
everywhere, even in my thoughts,
he already knows what I'm
planning, I'm screwed and I didn't
even do anything wrong. So I go up
there anyway --
The bike messenger place or
Both, don't interrupt.
(laughing) Oh, sorry.
Anyway, I make it there on my E.T.
bike, I can't tell you where cause
God would be pissed, and he gives
me this look... and I'm like oh
shit, he knows, right. So he says,
'you're fired', says it just like
that... cause god's Italian.
Yeah, really. So I'm thinking it's
over, then he's like 'I have one
more job for you my son'... that
was Darth Vader...
I know.


He was fond of impersonations,
really annoying, I would never do
that but it's part of the story
so I have to. Anyway, he gives me
this miracle, tells me not
to open it until I get home. But
the package, it's really
light, like a feather, ya know. So
I'm riding off, kinda pissed cause
I figure it's just whatever he had
left over or I'm gonna open it and
it's gonna be a jack-in-the box
and he's gonna be up there
laughing his ass off. All of a
sudden a gust of wind grabs it out
of my hands, off it went into
the night, I never found it and
I've been searching ever
since, until, today...
Stat winks, Alma blushes.
This chicken adobo is amazing, it
really is a miracle! Thank you
Alma laughs and hits Stat.
You're really funny, you know
I try.
You should just be yourself when
you do your act, people like you.
Yeah, they really loved me last
You were trying too hard, you
don't have to try, you just are
Thanks Alma , That means--


Alma laughs at Stat's reaction.
Stat is on stage performing to a packed house, the energy
from the crowd builds as the scene joins him already into
his routine.
So being new to the Philippines,
I've really come to have a lot of
respect for your culture. The
weather's beautiful, minus the
gotdamn typhoons. The women, the
most gwapa gals on Earth. All of
you lovely Pinays here tonight
give yourselves a round of
applause..You go, Ladies...That
being said...I'm still tryin' to
fully adjust, and from time to
time I'll find myself in a
compromising situation. The other
day I'm at the mall and suddenly
had to take a wicked dump. So I
get to the C.R. in a hurry, sat
down, did my business. Relieved
that I made it without shittin' my
damn self. Shoulda seen me tryin'
to run while clenchin' my butt
cheeks, lookin' like fuckin'
Frankenstien. Anyway, I go to
reach for the toilet paper to
find...No toilet paper. Then my
instinct kicked in and I recalled
some National Geographic flick
from 5th grade social
studies...The hand. That's how
it's done in most other parts of
the world. So I go at it real hard
and I'm at the sink with this big
gob of shit on my hands. this guys
next to me brushing his teeth. NO
SOAP...No soap in the comfort room
of the mall. How you gonna call it
a comfort room with no shit paper
and no soap? Lesson learned...So
now I don't leave home without
some TP, in case of a poo
emergency. Because I know I'm too
forgetful to remember which hand
is for ass wipin' and which one is
for eatin' sticky rice. So if
anybody wants to come kick it with


                       STAT (cont'd)
me after the show. Gimme a big
hug, no handshakes or high 5s.
Crowd Laughs.
Same heckler from the other night interrupts Stat.
Hey Joe, your mother wipe my ass
for me.
Really? She's the one who taught
me to wipe my ass...Anything else
there Flip Wilson?
She Lick my ass after sex.
You had sex with my mother, how
was it?
Goood! Hahaha
That's fucked up, I thought I was
sick, this dudes flying halfway
around the world to have sex with
a corpse. You got plenty of
graveyards around here, what's
wrong with them?
The crowd laughs and jeers at the heckler.
Naww...My mother's not dead, but
the days of you interruptin' my
fuckin' act are. Sit your ass down
pineapple before I make
upside-fuckin'-down cake outta ya.
Heckler sinks in his seat.
Anyway, that's about all I got for
you people tonight. You've been
great, thanks for givin' this Kano
another shot...Salamat (takes a
bow to applause). Hey, but before
I go I wanna bring my homie


                       STAT (cont'd)
Manhattan out here.
TanTan comes excitedly onstage.
Tonight when you all are leaving
the club, show this lil' guy some
love. He sings, dances...Best
street performer in Manila. Tantan
you got anything to say with that
shit eatin' grin on your face?
Stat hands TanTan the mic.
      (Lip Syncing
       Opening Line of
       "Nuthin' But Bad")
Someone snitched on me.
Music comes on, Stat tosses Hans the mic.
Ladies and Gentlemen...give it up
for my MUUU'Fucka' Big Friggin'
Stat starts dancing and the crowd swarms the dance floor.
                                         CUT TO HANS
The crowd is jumping around, Hans raps "Nuthin' But Bad" and
"Pinoy Love", he's in the zone. Jhun Longhair and his
manager are sitting in the crowd, Hans's rap fades to the
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
The crowd loves the foreigners,
something different for them. A
good novelty, like circus.
Exactly! We should bring them on
to open for you, they will make us
big money.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
I will not turn "Hairaoke" into a
3 ring circus.


It will not be a circus, you still
the man. We just exploit them.
Think of the potential.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
Hmmm, not bad idea for bald head.
They are money, pretty money...
not bling bling money like me,
they hair all fucked up like
monkey. But they make us money, so
I can get more dancers, make more
boom boom, out with the old honey,
in with the new money. We can make
money, be money then we money.
Jhun swings his hair back, manager is confused.
Manager leans in intently, and shrinks from Jhun's stare.
So we do it, boss?
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
Bring them over when they
finished, I gotta go wash my hair,
get rid of your ugly.
                                         CUT TO STAGE-HANS
Hans finishes his song, heads back stage where he's getting
high fives, everyone is ecstatic. He sees Jinky through the
crowd, she approaches.
So you think you're gwapo, huh?
I'm alright.
No, you were great, seriously. You
gotta let me get some of that
Slaps Hans on the arm and tries to mimick him.
Yo, anytime. Maybe we could do a
duet, Biggie and Lil' Kim.


Yeah, maybe.
                                         CUT TO
The party is still going on. Tick takes the stage for
karaoke, Gunny and Alma are at Hans and Stat's table. Hans
and Stat are invited to join Jhun Longhair and his Manager
at their table. Jhun is blow drying his hair.
We want you to join us, be a part
of team. We can make a lot of
money, just like autobots we
combine. You are Rocky and we are
Pacquiao, together we make new
Thrilla in Manila!
Manager looks very pleased with himself, Hans and Stat look
at each other.
This dude's buggin' out.
I don't know what to say.
Don't say shit.
Big money, you sign contract and
we will all be rich.
Hans and Stat speak simultaneously.
"Fuck fuckin' yeah"
When and where do we sign?
Very good, you won't be sorry. We
make the arrangements, no problem.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
      (To Stat)
You get your hair done


                       JHUN LONGHAIR
      (Stifling Laugh)
Oh, it look good, I like it...
very much.
Jhun says something in Tagalog, his manager laughs.
Jinky approaches Jhun. They begin speaking Tagalog, which
turns into an argument, then into screaming.
Who do you think you are?
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
I'm Prince Jhun (throws back hair)
Hair to the throne.
Jinky storms off.
      (To Hans)
So...is that normal?
I don't know?
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
Everything is good, we gonna make
a lotta MONEY. Ahhh, hahaha. Party
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
The guys start drinking champagne and dancing, Hans sneaks
off to talk to Jinky who is by the bar, furious.
Hey, are you okay, what happened?
I don't want to talk about it.
Alright, well that guy is a
jagoff, I don't know why you're
worried about him.


I just can't believe it's over.
You guys broke up? (sarcastic)Oh
no. Hey listen, we'd get along
great, how would you like to go
out some time?
I don't know, now is not a good
time, I'll think about it though,
Yo, I'm sorry...I just thought--
No, it's okay don't worry about
it, goodbye
O.K., Seeya.
Hans looks over at the guys, Jhun is pouring champagne in
Stat's mouth while the manager chants.
Hans, Stat, and Alma walk together away from Teleplanet.
Stat points at something on the street, Alma leans over to
look, he slyly kicks her butt, she protests, Stat indicates
it was Hans, Alma looks at Hans, Stat grabs her butt, she
hits Stat.
Cut it out Stat!
It's Hans, he can't control
himself. I don't blame him, you're
You're irresistible.
They kiss.
And incorrigible.


Being around you is all the
encouragement I need.
Oh yeah, you need encouragement.
Awww, the little guy's feeling
left out. You want some attention
Stat rubs his head then slaps him on the ass, Hans freaks
In a rage Hans gives Stat a mean wedgie.
You aint rippin' the Fruit of The
OK then, I'm gonna make you a
fuckin' Statyata.
Hans lifts Stat off the ground and attaches the waistband of
Stat's tighty whities to a peg protruding from a telephone
pole. Then Hans starts jabbing at Stat making him bounce up
and down.
Alma helps Stat down by tugging on him until his underwear
      (To Stat)
Leave him alone.
He's the one that got physical.
I don't blame him. What is wrong
Nothing, I just... I thought
coming here would change things.
What are you talking about man, it
has, you tore shit up the other


I know, I just meant like I
thought I would meet someone
special. Then I thought I did and
she, it's not gonna work out... I
don't know.
Oh, relax Hans, it takes time.
Jinky likes you, she just had a
bad experience with an American
Yeah, he was like you, Ex-Marine,
he cheated on her. Then she
started going with Jhun.(shakes
head) Bad luck, she needs someone
like you, I can tell you are a
great guy. Just be patient.
She's right, buddy. I saw the way
she was looking at you the other
Oh man, I had no idea. I'll have
to talk to her, thanks Alma.
What are you waiting for, go get
Stat and Hans stand outside the club. They are wearing
traditional barongs, Hans is reading "Tagalog for
Dummies".(Or "Tagalog For Retards")
When I said go get her, I meant
you go get her. Not, let's dress
up as Siegfried and Roy and tame
I want to show that I'm serious,
that I'm not a friggin' flake.


Okay, so why am I wearing one?
One guy looks like a joker, but
two is a pattern, people accept
No, two looks like we're a couple
who likes to wear matching
Shit, you're right...
I told you that already, remember
at the apartment when you
convinced Alma to make me wear
this thing?
Take it off, take it off. She's
over there, just...
Hans grabs at Stat's shirt, Stat fights
him off.
No, I'm not gonna go redneck, what
the hell are you doing?
Jinky approaches, the guys try to act normal when they
notice her, Stat's shirt is half off.
Oh, hey Jinky.
Are you guys alright?
Yeah...I mean, he was having
trouble with the buttons so I
Okay... Why don't I give you two a
No, wait Jinky.


Jinky walks away, Hans frantically follows her.
Wait, wait, wait just listen.
lunukin mo ang tamod ko
(subtitled) swallow my cum
      (Slaps Hans)
Jinky looks stunned, starts to
storm off.
Wait! I got it wrong. Mo ang....
      (Cock Fist Back)
You say again, I rip your balls
I'm just trying to say, come with
me lets have a drink. I don't
know, it's this book, I'm trying
to...Look Jinky...(Tagalog, with
English subtitle)...I think you
are beautiful. I put on this shirt
for you...I'm serious.
Jinky looks at him quizzically.
Will you go out with me?...Please?
Sweet, Let's go. I've been wanting
to go check out...
No, I have to work now.
Okay, what about next weekend?
You're on tour then.
Oh, right, what about --


I have to go, I'll give you my
Jinky jots her number down on a napkin.
Lovely.... Wish me luck tonight.
Break your leg.
Yeah, break your leg, right?
That's not how you say it?
Close enough.
Back and forth between Hans killing it rappin' and Stat
hitting punch lines and the audience laughing.
Alright, goodnight everybody,
you've been a great crowd. For
those of you who want to keep the
party going after tonight's show,
we're having a big afterparty at
the Aveflor Hotel, we'll both be
there, Hans and Stat, Wildin' out.
Yes, there will be karaoke.
Everyone's invited, come act a
fool with us!
Stat jumps off stage, Hans and Stat are
congratulated by the crowd and head out the door. Jhun
starts his set with a passionate rendition of "I Write the
Songs". When he opens his eyes, the crowd is gone
except for a few older women swooning.
Jhun stands ready to pounce, his dancers and manager stand
by wearily.


                       JHUN LONGHAIR
      (Shrill, Shouting)
How you let this happen? I'm
Prince Jhun, hair to the throne.
You hear me! Nobody upstages The
Philippine Dream, nobody.
Jhun attacks mannequin heads with wigs on them, they go
flying everywhere. He eventually tires himself out.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
      (To Manager)
What you looking at... fatty. You
fat, bald... you bald and fat!
Huh? I'm talking to you.
Jhun stares expectantly, manager says nothing, looks
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
This is your fault, you infect me
with your ugliness, you sweating
Manager wipes his face with a towel, Jhun sits down
exhausted. The manager brushes Jhun's hair.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
Nobody love Jhun, they love the
Americans now.
They will always love you, you are
their prince.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
You're right....So we kick them
off tour?
They are under contract, we have
to pay them even if we kick them
Jhun thinks about this and looks upset, then has an idea.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
I know just what to do, hahaha, no
honor for contract of dead men,


Jhun is laughing so hard he goes silent. The Manager looks
Boss, are you ok?
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
Keep brushing.
Manager, startled, resumes brushing his
hair, Jhun starts laughing again. The brush snags in Jhun's
hair, he screams, then attacks the Manager.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
You son of a bitch!!!
Stat enters the apartment, Hans is eating breakfast.
Honey I'm home.
Stat dumps a bunch of cash on the table all over Hans's
Make money money, make money money
You're still a friggin' dick.
Pesos baby...We made 'em.
Stat yells out the open window.
We made it... Hey Manila we
finally made it.
Trikes fly past in the noisy street, no one seems to notice.
I love The Philippines.
Without looking up from sweeping an old lady responds.


                       OLD LADY
      (In Tagalog With
Go Home.
      (To Hans)
They love us.
Hans is picking money out of his cereal.
DUDE! Let's take the girls to
Boracay for the weekend!
Ya, how's Pinky gonna turn down a
weekend with a stud like you?
Yeah playa, bring as many as you
Stat goes to the fridge.
Yeah, that sounds like a plan.
I've been saving this for
something special.
Stat pops a bottle of champagne and sprays
Yeahboyee, we're gonna party like
the fuckin' rock stars that we are
in Boracay!
Hans chases Stat around the apartment as Stat sprays him.
Hans and Stat approach the club, Hans is focused.


Relax potna, stay calm.
I got this, bro.
You're sweating like a priest in a
daycare center. Here, tuck your
shirt in.
Stat tries to tuck in his shirt, Hans hits Stat hard.
Whoa alright, you're in the zone I
get it, I'll leave you alone. Just
remember if it doesn't work out,
no big deal, me and Alma would
love to have you around in between
romantic walks on the beach,
candle light dinners and multiple
hour lovemaking sessions. We'll
have plenty of time for you buddy.
Alright? Okay. Go get em' tiger
Yeah, thanks for the inspiration.
Good talk, you got this.
Hans gives Stat a look then enters the club.
Stat sees TanTan playing the ukelele by himself and
approaches him.
Hey Joe, I sing song for you?
Ohhh, TanTan, what's up little
buddy, sure let's hear it.
TanTan plays a song and sings.
Alright, alright, nice job. So
how's it going?
It's OK, foreigners not biting
today though.


Oh, I'm... sorry.
It's no problem, after the show is
always plenty of money, drunk
people, good for business.
I bet.
Hey, cool sunglasses.
Ya... I just got em' but they're a
little too small for me, why don't
you try them on.
Stat puts them on TanTan.
They fit you perfect, keep 'em.
Really? You sure?!
Ya, they're all yours, they look
better on you.
Thanks Joe.
TanTan gives Stat a high 5.
Since we're buddies now, call me
Hans bursts out of the club.
We're going to Boracay.
Oh, Hell to the friggin' yeah!


Hey Manhattan, you want to come,
you and your lolo? Go ask.
TanTan is stunned, he runs to ask his lolo.
So you got a pair after all.
Hans hits Stat in the nuts, Stat doubles over.
      (Mock Surprise)
So do you.
TanTan runs back over.
She said OK.
TanTan runs up to Hans and hugs him,
hitting him the groin area.
Neither one of us is ever having
Society is better off that way.
TanTan excitedly steers the boat and takes
care of the sails while his lolo sleeps. Hans and Jinky sit
on the bow talking and taking in the breathtaking
This is even more beautiful than
the Boracay I always dreamed of.
This moment is my dream. (yells,
waves hand) TanTan, How's it going
      (Gives thumbs up)


Hans turns back to Jinky, TanTan
swings the wheel wildly, his lolo
rolls dangerously close to the
edge of the boat, TanTan is
      (To Hans)
This is my dream also, I just
I just don't know what happened to
my career. I thought the tour was
going to change everything but
Jhun turned out to be...
An asshole...Bulla Bulla?
Yeah, I don't know what I was
The man's got a friggin' wicked
head of hair.
I like yours better.
She reaches for Hans's hair but misses, TanTan has flung the
wheel the other way, lolo goes flying into the middle of the
ship, hits her head, gets up and starts walking around
stunned. The sail swings across, her shirt gets snared by
something on the sail, she is now dangling over the water.
Nobody is aware. Jinky finally reaches for Hans's hair.
This tour is great for us, but
once I get my CD out we won't need
Longhair anymore. We can do our
own tour, with you on it.


You mean it, that would be great.
Of course, you are am amazing
Jinky starts to cry.
What's wrong?
I worked so hard, for so long to
get to Where I am... I had to put
up with so much bullshit from
Jhun and all of the club owners...
it was so awful, I
just... I just can't believe
you're, that this is...real...
Jinky leans towards Hans, they kiss. TanTan swings the wheel
back, lolo hits something and falls off the sail onto the
deck. lolo charges at TanTan, blissfully unaware, swings the
wheel, the boom hits lolo knocking her out who falls on
TanTan, knocking him out.
Hans and Jinky hear thunder.
What was that?
Oh look, they're asleep.
So cute.
Little guy's all tuckered out, I
better take over.
Looks like a storm's coming in.
Yeah...better head back.


Alma and Stat walk along a secluded
section of beach, in the middle of a conversation.
So what did your dad do?
He was in the Army.
OH, cool.
Flashback as Stat tells his story.
Yeah, well he was gone for months
at a time and when he got back he
was a real disciplinarian, ya
know? Never seemed happy, always
building his model airplanes,
yelling at me for not wearing
matching socks...
      (Starts to break
Stat Rat he used to call me.
Statrat,fetch me my slippers!
Statrat, zip my blouse.
Alma is puzzled.
Dad was also a cross dresser.
Stat buries his head in Alma's shoulder.
Oh...I'm sorry Stat.
      (Turns from crying
       to laughing)
Hehe, my dad's a carpenter from
Ohio, we get along great. Thank
God he's not a cross dresser.
Stat! That's not funny.


You'll have to meet him someday,
you'd love him. What about your
He's a cabaret dancer.
He really is.
What does that mean?
You know, burlesque?
Oh, I'm sorry about that, I didn't
mean that I was happy my dad's not
a --
Pfff, hahaha, my dad's a jeepney
driver, you shoulda seen your
Stat attacks Alma, they continue down the
beach laughing, storm clouds are on the horizon..
Alma and Stat walk along a secluded section of beach, in the
middle of a conversation.
Hans, Jinky, TanTan and Lolo sit around a table playing Mah
Jong by candlelight, it is storming outside.
Stat and Alma burst in laughing and screaming, drenched.
They greet everybody.
                                         DISSOLVE TO:
Hans plays a ukelele energetically while singing a
duet with Jinky. ("How do you Keep the Music Playing?")Stat,


Alma and TanTan all dance together, TanTan is having the
time of his life. Lolo dances with an older Filipino
gentleman, while holding an ice pack to her head.
Suddenly the lights come back on, everybody cheers. Amidst
the cheering the radio has come back on, Hans's "Baby Don't
Go" is playing.
Wait, they're playing "Baby Don't
Go", everybody, they're playing my
song on the radio. (Screaming)
They're playing my song.
Hans picks up TanTan and starts dancing around with him,
then he approaches Jinky and kisses her.
Jhun relaxes drinking at his palatial estate overlooking the
jungle. A hand brushes his hair, it is a sloth
or(macaque)who is having his hair brushed by a lemur
or(tarsier) who is having his hair brushed by Jhun's
manager. Both the lemur and sloth have Jhun Longhair-like
ponytail weaves on their heads.
Jhun in a yoga position is chanting comb...comb.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
      (To Manager in
You are lowest form of evolution
baldy. You are disgrace.
(increasingly shrill) It go human,
monkey, lizard, snake...amoeba...
Yes Prince Jhun, I have something
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
I'm not finished... then yo motha'
then come you.
Yes Jhu -- I mean prince Jhun.
The Sloth is upset.


                       JHUN LONGHAIR
      (To sloth)
It's alright Axl, ugly man go away
soon, don't worry.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
      (To manager)
Oh, Hans the rapper one of his
songs make it to top ten on the
Jhun Longhair chucks a fruit at one of the
servants hitting him, the lemur and sloth scatter.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
How this happen?! I take care of
this myself.
Jhun pulls out a gold plated gun.
No...Remember, You're a lover not
a killer. There is another way.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
I found out they are in Boracay,
we set a trap.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
But what?
Jhun Longhair notices the lemur trying to
hump the sloth.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
Hey, what the hell you are doing?!
Hans and Stat bust into their apartment, suitcases, tropical
hats and all. Stat staggers to his bed.
      (Yelling from
       other room)
7 A.M. wake up call.


Stat laughs.
I'm serious, we got friggin' work.
We're rolling in cash bro, what
are you talking about?
We just blew it all, we gotta
collect some checks until we start
doin' our own thing.
The hell with that.
You start missing work old
Willie's gonna reel Alma back in.
Make sure I am up at 7.
                                         FADE OUT
Repeated loud knocks at the door.
Why aren't you answering that.
I'm tryinda' friggin, sleep.
Get the door.
No, Go away!!!
                                         FADE IN
Get the door, get the door, get
door... get the door.
Pause, more knocking.


Stat gets up, furious.
Who is it?
                       GIRL 1 (v.o.)
Your neighbor.
Stat opens the door. Two scantily clad YOUNG WOMEN are at
the door, one has a stuffed animal.
                       GIRL 1
      (Thick Accent)
Our toilet clog, we use yours?
Sure... always willing to help a
neighbor out.
Girl 1 enters the bathroom, girl 2 stands
in living room with Stat.
                       GIRL 2
You want to hold my unicorn?
That's okay.
                       GIRL 2
Here, take it.
Stat bends to take it, the girl sneezes
getting glitter all over Stat's face.
                       GIRL 2
Oops, sorry.
Ah...What the Hell?
Knock at the door. Stat answers, still wiping his face.
It's the police, Girl 2 starts screaming and runs at the
door, grabbing on of the policemen.
                       GIRL 2
Help! Help, they molest me!


Girl 1 in the bathroom screams as well. A
policeman drops Stat with a baton to the nuts.
      (From the Other
What the Hell's?
      (Enters Room)
Oh my friggin'... dude --
Cop Alex Longhair gives Hans the same treatment.
A laughing Jhune pulls away in his "Hairmobile", (MUSIC-
"16" Musical Youth) his sidekick sloth is chillin' shotgun.
The manager struggles to keep up on his moped, falling off
then getting back on and slowly driving away.
Music continues ("16" Musical Youth) through their ride to
the jail.
A prison truck arrives at the dilapidated remote
jail. MUSIC-Fade Out.

Hans and Stat enter escorted by several guards, another
group of guards sitting around gambling notice them and
confront the other guards. The guards shout at each other
and fight over Hans and Stat. An in-charge looking guy sits
and watches quietly. Eventually the guards who brought Hans
and Stat in seem to win and escort them to a cell. There are
two main holding areas with groups of prisoners.

Hans and Stat take in their surroundings, suddenly another
fight breaks out between the guards over cards, one points a
gun at another then fires into the ceiling. They settle back
into the game.
We're fucked. We're so fucked,
we're never getting outta here.
What? We're locked the fuck up.


We're in jail (beatboxing)...We're
in jail without the bail.
You done?
A guard screams at Stat in Tagalog.
Murder was the case that they gave
No ...You're an accused fuckin'
child molester. And I'm 'bout to
catch a homicide right now if you
don't shut your friggin' cock
Stat silences.
You think this is funny? This aint
the county drunk tank back home.
      (To Himself)
I swear it could be raining pussy
and I'd still get hit with a dick.
Stat ignores Hans and goes back to watching the card game.
      (Speaking Rapidly)
We gotta call somebody, get a
lawyer, we don't have rights in
this country? Jesus friggin'
Christ, nobody knows we're here,
somebody is making us disappear --
Yet we have no fear. See, this is
already inspiring some dope
rhymes, not to mention boosting
your street cred.
Hey, shut the puck up.
Points gun at Hans and Stat.


Oh god, oh god, oh god.
The game resumes.
It's only a matter of time.
I know, the guys on the right are
way ahead.
What the fuck are you talk --(To
Himself) We were set the hell up,
but who?
One of the guards on the left side of the table plays a
      (To the guards in
       Tagalog subtitled)
Never wrestle with pigs, you both
get dirty and the pig likes it.
The guards stare at Stat.
Where the Hell did you learn that?
I fished your book out of the
Jinky is cooking, sees a picture of Hans on TV and gets
excited then the news story unfolds. She drops a bowl.

2) INT. TELEPLANET - DAY. Willie slams
down a newspaper with a picture of Hans and Stat being
arrested on Alma's desk.

"Short People" playing on his headphones, then on the radio
news he hears of the scandal. Riding past the newstand he
sees headlines "Local Residents Caught In International Sex
Scandal" with photos of Hans and Stat being arrested.



Alright, if we're gonna make it in
here we gotta show some muscle.
Only the strong will survive.
I'm not worried about these little
flips. Just shit talk these cons
the way you did the guards and
we'll be runnin' this joint.
You need to take out the biggest
one, get us some respect.
I think you want some MMA action
in the sphinctergon with Rupaul
over there.
Cut to a ladyboy who everybody is pampering. (feeding a
banana, giving a massage)
I would do it for the team.
Survival mode bro, its all about
Suddenly ladyboy Angel walks over to a hunched over Hans &
Stat. He has a enormous boner that protrudes up into his
breast cleavage area under his shirt, and it is right in
their faces as he approaches. They both jump back horrified.
      (To Stat)
So how are you Joe? I'm Angel what
is your name?
Hans behind Angel's back is making dick-sucking gesture with
his mouth.
For the team.
I'm Stat, nice to meet you.


      (Grabbing Stat)
Come with me Stat, I want to
massage your big strong
Angel and a bewildered Stat go away into a corner of the
cell. The Filipinos in the cell are clearly jealous.
      (Approaching Hans)
Your friend is very lucky. He get
boom boom first day here from
Boom boom? No...What if he
No one refuse Angel, or she wait
'til they sleep. (makes throat
slashing motion)
      (Approaching Stat
       and Angel)
Stat, you whore. I can't believe
you would do me like this...Oh, no
sweet thang, Stat's my man.
      (Attacking Stat)
I'm gonna rip your dick off right
The guards come in and escort Hans and Stat to the hole.
                                         FADE TO BLACK.
Why you buggin' out man? It's ok
to have gay friends no homo.
After Angel gets done with you it
will be no hetero. Let's just say
she/he was softenin' you up for
some hot steamy butt love. The
dude told me, you refuse her and
she'll slit your throat.


I'm not takin' that for the team,
did you see the baloney pony he's
Yeah, that would hurt more than
just your pride.
Vinnie Enters Teleplanet through the front door.
Somebody here is gonna take me to
where Hans & Stat are ASA fuckin'
What, are you a pervert too?
Fuck did you say?
Are you a pedophile like your frie
Vinnie cocks back and knocks him out, R.J. witnesses the
scene, runs over and stands over Willie.
You knock the fugg out man,
paybacks you motherfucker!
R.J. steals a pen from his pocket.
      (To Vinnie)
My Man...(tries high five, Vinnie
ignores)Nice job playa! Hans and
Stat my Homeboys.
I'm Stat's brother, you know what
happened? Or where he's locked up?
Yeah, my squad's on it right now.


You better not be pullin' my dick
there buk buk.
I'm real as they come potna. I'll
take you to the spot sho' nuff.
I'm out the door now. (Punches
time card) you are Vinnie?
Stat tell me all about you, You're
alot taller than he describe,
let's bounce, we gotta get there
before they leave.
R.J., Vinnie, Gunny Fleah, Greyskull and Tick sit around a
table on a semi-busy afternoon.
                       GUNNY FLEAH
People have been talkin'...
Something smells fishier than
mermaid pussy...Longhair and his
minions are behind it. We just
got to prove it. Word is they got
em' locked up in a remote shithole
just outside the old naval base. I
know that place like the back of
my ass.
The Skulls'll drop the thunder on
em'. We roll up there fifty deep,
blast our engines, we'll have em'
runnin' for the hills.
                       GUNNY FLEAH
No offense old timer but we'll
save that for plan b. They're some
mean boys up there, they'll have
that place locked up tighter than
Bark on a tree.


                       GUNNY FLEAH
I was gonna say tighter than a
clam with lockjaw. But I guess
that works too.
What kinda screws are we talkin'
                       GUNNY FLEAH
Oh they're a bunch of voodoo wild
boys, raised in the jungle they'll
tear you up in the afternoon and
have your ass on a skewer for
Slams down a shot.
                       GUNNY FLEAH
Oh Jesus.
I ain't worried, I bet they only
go for the young tasty ones.
      (Stands Up
       Nervously Ticking)
I -- I think I better sit this one
out. I gotta go sing.
                       GUNNY FLEAH
Look Greyskull this aint Masters
of the damn Universe. We gotta be
swift, silent, and deadly...A good
old tactical extraction by
diversion...In and out
quick...Mission accomplished...We
just need a distraction.
Gunny Fleah gazes over Vinnie's head at Tick singing "I
Can't Smile Without You".
Don't look at me, I came here for
some action...I'm not leavin' this
country without Longhair's nuts on
my keychain.


                       GUNNY FLEAH
      (Looking at Tick)
He won't even know. I replace his
meds with some Skittles, he'll do
whatever I say...I'll tell him
it's a Goddamn audition. They
won't lock him up for long, that
boy's crazier than a shoeshine in
a shit storm. Greyskull I need
your men to provide motor
transport...And Vinnie, I'm
sending you to Camp Longhair to
get a confession outta that
glorified hippie. These are my
spyglasses. Whatever you are
looking at it RECORDS, video and
audio. R.J. They'll be looking for
us all on bikes, so we'll meet you
at the crossroad, dump the guys in
my van and go our separate ways.
Greyskull, have Skeletor take
Vinnie up to Longhairs place.
Everybody do what ya gotta do and
be back here tomorrow at 5PM.
Roger that, let's fuckin' do this!
Sounds like a plan mates. I'm
heading to the dunny, prostates
flaring again.
Hans & Stat are escorted back into the main cell after their
time in the hole.
Just a lover's quarrel,
everything's fine now.
Glad to hear, tonight after lights
out we can have a threesome.
The Skulls silently roll their bikes up to the front guard
shack and drop off Tick who disrobes wearing only a police
hat. Fleah is in a tree with his night vision goggles, spots
the back door and pops off a white star cluster. The Skulls
turn there headlights on illuminating Tick who is singing "I


Shot the Sheriff". The C.O. in the guard shack radios the
guards inside summoning them to come outside. Gunny Fleah
then scales the wall with a grappling hook, cuts the barbed
wire, and blows the back door with C-4. He then finds the
cell block and releases all of the inmates, who scatter for
the front door and havoc ensues. Gunny Fleah leads Hans &
Stat out the back door and over the wall where the Skulls
pull up for their getaway.
The walls are adorned with pictures of celebrities with
crazy hair from the 80's (Axl Rose, Cher,
Van Halen).
Jhun and his brother Alex (In police uniform with curly Rick
James hair) are laughing hysterically, they are constantly
spraying their hair with hairspray like it's some sort of
contest. Manager enters and they burst out laughing again.
      (Wearing a wig)
Yo, Playas. How ya like me now?
Jhun and Alex start laughing frantically.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
      (pointing at the
It look like Axl sleeping on your
The Manager slinks off, so does a sad looking Axl.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
Axl, where you going? He need you,
he want to change his hair!
Vinnie rings the doorbell.
I'll get it Prince Jhun.
Manager answers door.
Hey, I'm Harvey Goldstein, booking
agent from the U.S. of A. I'm here
to see Mr. Junius Longhair.


Yes, come this way...What brings
you to the Philippines?
Business. Love the doo.
Yes...Come along.
Manager tries to run his fingers through his hair and the
wig comes halfway off. He hurries to adjust it.
Prince Jhun, this is my associate
from the U.S. Harry Silversmith.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
You never tell me...what can I do
for you?
I'm looking for Hans & Stat. Those
two fucks skipped town on me,
ganked me out of a lotta money. I
know you're doin' business with
those two cocksuckers. Take me to
them and there will be a finders
fee in it for you.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
      (To Vinnie)
What you want?
I want there sorry asses.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
Oh ya.(laughs)You a big booking
agent in the U.S.?
Yeah, so you uh--
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
I'm a big time singer here,
everybody love me, sold out
concert every time.


That's great, I've been looking to
go international with my acts.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
I'm looking to break into the
U.S., check my show, if you like
you help me? You comb my hair and
I'll comb yours.
Do I look like I need my hair
combed? You better not be
bullshittin' me Rico Suave.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
No problem, they locked up, I take
you there...Tomorrow.
Locked up?
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
Yeah. (both brothers laugh)They do
me wrong too, so I set them up
with underage girls. My brother in
the police, he take care of it. We
do things a little different here
in the Phillipines.
      (To Himself)
Not that much different from how
we do it back home.
Jhun and Alex laugh.
How 'bout you guys meet me
tomorrow in the lobby of the ABC
hotel at noon?
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
No problem lil' man... Why the
sunglasses big guy?
The future's so bright, I gotta
wear shades.


                       JHUN LONGHAIR
Yeah, let me ask you something.
Who have better hair me or my
      (pointing to
They all laugh, Vinnie turns to leave.
R.J. drops them off and tells them Gunny Fleah will soon be
there he has to go and get somebody who wants to see
them.(Vinnie) Hans and Stat approach Alma's window.
      (Tapping on Window)
Alma, hey Alma!
Stat heads for the door.
      (Banging on the
Wait...Alma, let me explain.
You're sick.
We were setup, you think we'd ever
do something like that?
Bullshit, you're a slick piece of
      (Prodding Hans)
Listen, Hans will tell you.
It's true Alma, we got setup.


How'd you get out?
Gunny Fleah's got a lot of pull
around here.
Bulla Bulla, Go away.
Hans stares at Stat, then turns to leave.
Wait, look man we gotta deal with
this sooner or later. You gotta
get Jinky back, we need each
other. You can't bail on me now. I
need you.
Hans turns and sighs.
Alma, it's Hans, listen Jhun set
us up and we can prove it. We need
your help, Stat has been a wreck
without you.
Long pause then the locks click and Alma opens the door,
Alma and Stat embrace.
Willie, displaying a nice shiner is across the street with
his binoculars stalking Alma in his vehicle. An alert comes
over the radio about the jailbreak. Willie picks up his
Hello, I would like to report the
2 Americans in the jailbreak. Yes,
they are right here at 1252
Lubiran, come fast.
Hans is on the phone, loud shouts and giggles come from Stat
and Alma fooling around in the other room.
      (On The Phone)
Yeah, I'm okay, yeah we're at
Alma's. No, no, it was a setup. I
know, I can't wait to see you,


                       HANS (cont'd)
come over right now, alright --
Loud knock at the door.(V.O.) Police!!! Open the door.
Hans Rushes into Alma's bedroom.
Stat! Fuckin' police are here.
We gotta go --
Hans and Stat jump out of the bedroom window. The cops bust
down the door and give chase out the back door.
Split up!
Stat turns a corner at full speed right to
where all the police cars are and a few cops are standing
around. Stat slows down surprised, at first the cops don't
know how to react. Stat tries to act normal but they gather
around him and arrest him. Hans runs down a dead end
alleyway, sees a fire escape jumps and climbs onto the
platform but finds it only goes up one story, the window
won't open. The police arrive, they try to jump up but can't
reach, Hans is left to ponder his situation.
Hans & Stat are asleep on the cell floor, sound of roosters.
Sound of guard beating his club against the bars.
Hey, Beavis and Butt-Head, so glad
you come back to see me. On your
feet now!!! (Laughs)
A broken Hans and Stat are escorted into an interrogation
The Police chief enters from a side room
and stares at them menacingly.


                       POLICE CHIEF
So you Americans wan't to break
out of my jail. You are now being
charged with felony escape. Strip
them down and take them to the
Guards move in.
                       POLICE CHIEF
And one more thing...(Jubilantly)
You've been "Nothin' But Bad".
(Starts laughing)
Chief keeps laughing, Hans and Stat laugh
nervously. Suddenly Vinnie, R.J., Gunny Fleah and Greyskull
enter from the side room.
Man you look like shit.
They laugh and embrace.
What the hell are you doing here?
Savin' your sorry ass.
      (To the Others)
Man are we glad to see you guys,
what the hell is going on?
Justice may be blind, but she has
very sophisticated recording
                       GUNNY FLEAH
      (To the Chief)
We have another friend in here,
The Police Chief nods knowingly.
                       POLICE CHIEF
The one who sings.


                       GUNNY FLEAH
That would be him, look he forgot
to take his meds. He's a good
kid, I'll square him away if you
would just release him to my
                       POLICE CHIEF
He wouldn't shut the hell up so we
sent him to the hole, he's still
Some Guards escort Tick in, he's still singing. Tick sees
Gunny Flea, runs and hugs him.
That was one helluva audition. I'm
keepin' my day job.
A loud raucus is heard at the entrance.
Jhun and his manager are escorted by police in handcuffs.
                       JHUN LONGHAIR
You touch my hair, you die, I kill
you all. I am a prince, you are
nobody. You ugly somanabitches do
this to me. You all let these
foreign devils trick you. I'm the
hair to the throne.
Welcome to your new castle Prince
Stat throws 50 pesos on the table.
      (To Police Chief)
Give that lice-infested rat a
haircut, will ya?
Tick Starts singing "Hans and Stat Aint Nothin' to Fuck
With". They all jubilantly exit the jail.
Cut to Jhun Longhair's cell, Manager is surrounded by the
other inmates preparing for a beatdown because they set up
Hans & Stat. As they close in, he takes a fighting stance an
inmate makes a noise and manager just turns around, bends
over, and pulls down his pants. The other inmates jeer and
then walk away in disgust while one con kicks him in his
naked ass and he falls to the ground. Jhune is restrained by
the other guards and cuffed to a chair.


      (With Clippers)
Your American friends pay for your
haircut.(Laughing) Sit down
prince, this is gonna hurt you a
lot more than its gonna hurt me.
Jhun starts crying and deafening
screams are heard.
                                         FADE OUT
Jinky, Alma, Stat, Hans, Vinnie, Gunny Flea and Tick eat
lunch and are drinking some beers.
Well, I'm not gonna miss that
apartment at all.
No you're not, he's a lot more
careful when he answers the
friggin' door now.
I know. He makes me answer every
                       GUNNY FLEAH
Well I'm happy to have y'all
stayin' with me, stay as long as
you want or at least as long as my
VA settlement check lasts. As the
rich folks say my estate is your
Ooh fuckin' rah.
But where... where am I staying?
                       GUNNY FLEAH
You, my friend, are staying in the
guest house.
TanTan and his lolo arrive.


Hans, Stat!
Hey buddy, we were just askin'
about you!
I knew you didn't do it.
Don't worry about me or Stat lil'
buddy, nobody can hold us down.
You kicked Jhun's Ass!
Yeah we did. So listen, were
talkin' and if your lolo says its
okay we were thinking you both
could come live with us at Gunny's
new house --
TanTan hugs Hans.
Sweet! Lolo, can we please.
Lolo cries and nods her head. Tantan clings to Hans.
Easy buddy, I gotta be able to
perform tonight.
Everyone laughs.
Hans and Stat sing "Manila, Manila" with the group Hot Dog.
TanTan dances onstage, the rest of the gang dances in the
Jhun Longhair and manager dancing with the Cebu prison
dancers. Jhun is all thugged out with a baldy, manager has a
baldy with a bandanna around his head Tupac style. Jhun
sings "Jailhouse Rock". Next Jhun puts a mop on his head and
does his shirt like a ladyboy and sings Wonder Girls




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