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Character Assassin
by Rory Scholl (rory.scholl@gmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review:

Willie Lasko, an obsessed film buff and fan of actor David Paymer, takes his obsession too far killing all rivals of his favorite actor to ensure he gets the best parts in future movies.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



Camera pans down from NYC skyline to the marquis on the SOHO
Village Playhouse. The sign reads Noah Emerich is Serge The
Concierge. Noah walks out of the stage door to a small group
of fans waiting in the cold.
Oh wow. Thank you guys. This is
great. I promise I'll do better
You were great Mr. Emmerich!
Really fun!
I love coming back to New York and
getting back into the trenches of
live theater.
We're glad you did! What's next?
A shower and a few beers...and not
in that order. Good night folks
The small crowd laughs. Noah's phone goes off. He answers it
as he waves to the crowd and walks away.
Thanks again folks. That's really
sweet. Hey Vera. Yeah it was fine.
Flubbed a line in the dinner scene
but I don't think anyone noticed.
Where were you, everyone else's
agent was there. Ha. Kidding.
Whats that? That doesn't make any
sense. Truman knows, how can there
be a Truman Show 2? Hmmm. Ok, that
could..that could actually work.
As Noah is talking he wanders towards the Hudson River and
gets lost.


Where the hell... OK Vera, I'm
going to call you tomorrow. Just
send the sides tonight. Fine.
Sounds good. Bye.
Noah looks around confused. He stares at his phone
How the hell do I get the map app
As he fumbles with his phone, a car horn blares causing him,
to drop it.
Thanks a lot buddy!
Noah drops to his knees to find the phone. The same car
engine revs as the headlights are flashed on and off. Noah
squints and stares into the lights.
What the hell man? Whats your
Noah is shocked as the cars lights stay on and the car comes
right for him, smashing him through an abandoned food truck,
and pinning him between a guard rail and the car, covered in
rice and lamb.
Oh God! Oh! Oh! What the hell! Oh!
No! Why? Ah!
The cars lights turn off as Noah squints to make out the
Who the hell are you? Oh God! This
hurts! What the?
The driver is wearing a mask of actor Robert Loggia. Noah
seems confused.
The car goes in reverse and then speeds forward crushing
Noah's body in half as the title Character Assassin comes


      (in mid sentence)
...Devils coach refused to
comment, but the mascot is still
pursuing the sexual harassment
case. In entertainment news,
actor Noah Emmerich , who was
starring in a play in the West
Village, was found dead in a food
cart by the Hudson River covered
in rice and lamb. The only clue
police have is a crudely written
note with the words, Not David in
bold letters, pinned to his shirt.
Camera pans out of tv to reveal it is in the corner of a
liquor store. Willie is behind the counter daydreaming as an
old lady is trying to talk to him.
                       OLD WOMAN
Sales tax? Sales tax? In my day
there was no sales tax, and there
was one price for everything, and
sometimes if you didnt have the
money, you could trade stamps, or
muffins for it. And everyone wants
a tip these days. For what? Not
going to a good college?
Willie is staring through her in his own world
                       OLD WOMAN
And you dont even offer delivery?
A little old vulnerable lady like
me has to carry her own bottles
all the way home? I could be
raped. Is that what you want young
man? I should be raped carrying my
bottle of Johnnie Walker two
blocks down the street?
Huh? uh, yeah.
                       OLD WOMAN
What? Well, maybe I'll just head
over to Maplewood. Their liquor
stores are open at 8am. In fact,
that's what I'm going to do. Hmmph


Have a nice day
Willie stares at the TV as his boss, Paddy, comes up behind
the counter.
Aye Willie. Seen any good movies
Went to the movies yesterday. Saw
the Honeysuckle Table. It was bad.
Robert Deniro plays a woodcutter
that goes into the Amazon looking
for this rumored wood that no one
has ever seen called Honeysuckle
Wood that is supposed to make
great tables, so its his quest to
find it. Shia Labouf plays his
estranged son who only uses cedar.
Its horrible.
WHy do you go see movies you know
are bad? With the money you've
spent on that you wouldn't have to
be in this shit job.
But this is your business.
Oh I know Willie, thats why I
don't like staying here. I have an
emergency meeting of the North
Jersey liquor store managers
association. I gotta run
You mean you're golfing again with
your brother-in-law?
Aye. So, ya know Willie. Close up
by yourself.
Paddy grabs a few bottles, lottery tickets and beef jerky
sticks and throw them in a bag.


Damn it, this is the third time in
two weeks! How come I can't get a
day off when I need it?
Cause ya don't know how to golf.
See ya Willie
Oh Willie. That actor ya like came
in yesterday. That guy from that
thing. He told me to tell you hi.
Paddy leaves as Willie throws his arms up and sighs. He
walks to a cooler and grabs a Coke and pounds it.
Willie closes up the store an hour later, which is an hour
earlier than normal. Some customers try to get in and shake
their fists at him through the window.
Willie goes to the cooler again and takes three Cokes and
puts them in his bag. He adds some chips and leaves the
Willie walks by the side of the road home, drinking another
Willie opens the door to his apartment building
Willie enters his small basement apartment, and takes off
his shoes, placing them in a shoe box and putting them on a
shelf with dozens of other shoe boxes.
Willie takes out one of 20 Salisbury steak TV dinners and
microwaves it for 7 minutes and 23 seconds. As he waits for
dinner to cook, he drinks another Coke
Willie is eating his dinner on his couch watching Mister
Saturday Night. He is wearing a Get Shorty T-shirt and
sweatpants. He pauses the movie on a frame of David Paymer,
gets up slowly, and crosses past the TV to get to the


A cab pulls up to a line of bars and stores in the west
village. Jay O Sanders steps out, pays the driver and walks
down the steps. He knocks on the door and a slide peephole
opens up. The man behind the door looks him up and down.
Whats the password?
Don't you know who I am?
The door to the After The Title Club opens. It is a small
club that hearkens back to the early Shriner club days. Ten
tables, small bar, retro. A place where the character
actors (Khaki's) hang out. There is an In Memorium Wall with
fallen Khaki's pictures) and a piano in the corner. Chi
McBride hangs a picture of James Rebhorn, dabbing a tear
from his eye.
      (Hangs his coat up)
Thanks Shifty. Rough night huh?
For all of us man. Drinks on the
house tonight
Jay walks over to a stunned David Morse after getting a beer
from the bar. He sits next to him on the couch.
                       DAVID MORSE
      (after a beat)
Oh. Hi Jay
That's just crazy about Noah.
      (takes a swig of
I mean. Who...who would...lamb and


                       DAVID MORSE
I saw the previews. He wasn't that
They both smile and then stop. Chi McBride comes out of a
door in the back of the club. He has his hand around Phillip
Baker Hall
                       PHILLIP BAKER HALL
Thanks for listening Chi. You
really are an amazing union
leader. You dont get enough praise
      (Pointing a finger)
Praise is fueling the wrong fires
in an effort to keep warm. Jay,
may I have a word with you in the
Rebhorn room?
Uh, sure Chi. Guys.
Wallace Shawn walks over and has a seat across the table.
                       DAVID MORSE
HI Philip.
                       PHILLIP BAKER HALL
Oh boy. Unbelievable
                       WALLACE SHAWN
                       DAVID MORSE
                       PHILLIP BAKER HALL
Did I ever tell you about the time
Noah and I...
                       DAVID MORSE
                       PHILLIP BAKER HALL
Were filming a scene for the
Godfather TV pilot...
                       DAVID MORSE


                       PHILLIP BAKER HALL
and we got locked out of our
hotels in our robes
                       WALLACE SHAWN
                       PHILLIP BAKER HALL
What about the time when...
                       DAVID MORSE
      (With Phillip)
A glass is tapped with a fork getting the rooms attention.
Other Khaki's are there such as Phillip Baker Hall, Dylan
Baker, J,K Simmons, Beth Grant, and Mitch Ryan among others.
Chi McBride walks out of the Rebhorn room, stands up and
clears his throat
Fellow members of the Character
Actors Club of America, old ...
      (Tips his glass to
       Robert Loggia)
and new
      (tips his glass to
       D J Qualls.)
as shop steward I welcome you here
tonight on this somber occasion.
The club door opens as everyone turns to see David Paymer
and John Slattery enter.
                       DAVID PAYMER
       fumbling with his
I am so so sorry. Ill just...hang
this. I'm so sorry
Have a seat David. I'm sorry sir,
this is a private club for
character actors.
                       JOHN SLATTERY
What? I am a character actor! I've
been in over 30 movies!
That's great


David and John take a seat. They wave at other khakis and
focus in Chi
Since the beginning of the live
theater, all the way to online tv
shows, there have always been
secondary characters, actors whose
roles may not have seen the
limelight, but without whom's
additions would create a very dull
storytelling world, let me tell
you. For without the villain in
Lethal Weapon, Riggs would have
nothing to counter his craziness,
without the inconceivable presence
of ferry man, Princess Buttercup
would be on just another boring
quest, and without knowing that
some people love the smell of
napalm in the morning, we wouldn't
know how horrible it could be as
well. As Khaki's, we get to work
with amazing people, on amazing
scripts, in some amazing
blockbusters and yet remain
gloriously anonymous, away from
the prying eyes and digital
cameras of the world. If we're in
a relationship, no one is trying
to break us up by contacting old
girlfriends and starting rumors.
We are left alone on our
vacations, and our trash is
relatively unscathed. It is
within this world we choose to
live and love and work, and
now...someone is threatening to
take that away. They have killed
one of our own.
Willie walks into the lobby of his favorite place, the local
movie theater. He has a Backstage tucked under his arm. He
is greeted with waves from the employees and shouts of 'Hey
Willie", "Good to see ya". He approaches the ticket booth
where his picture is up as Fan of the Month.
One for Airplane Three please. How
you doing tonight Maggie?


Im stuck behind glass all day. I
feel like a fish.
Mmmm I love sushi. Whats the
midnight movie this week?
In 3D
There ya go hon, enjoy.
Willie takes the ticket, walks through the lobby where all
the employees are saying hi and waving.
                       TICKET TAKER
Willie my man. How you living?
Can't complain, but if I could
we'd be here all day
                       TICKET TAKER
Willie, you enjoy your movie. How
many points you got on that card?
Enough to buy the place probably.
Stay cool but don't freeze.
                       TICKET TAKER
Im going to put that on a shirt
Willie heads to the concession stand
Who's back there tonight? Tony?
Rachel? Gamba?
A teenage girl walks from behind the soda machine


Ah, Becky , my favorite! The usual
You're going to kill me but we're
out of pretzel bites.
Wha? But...I ...
I'm kidding. I saw you coming.
Here ya go.
      (Grabs the bites)
My precious
No more popcorn for that man.
Hank the manager walks over and puts his arm around Willie
Well, you were right. You warned
me but I saw it anyway. Sharknado
Three sucked. Those bites are on
Hanks a lot. Wah wah
Willie walks into his theater. He heads right to the center
seat in the center of the room. A plaque is on the chair
that reads Reserved: Fan of the Month. Willie has written
his name on masking tape and put it over the Fan of the
Month. He sits down and attacks his pretzel bites as the
previews start. He reads an article in Backstage saying Chi
McBride has replaced David Paymer as shop steward for the
Khaki's in a close election. Willie is frustrated.
A movie preview for a remake of the French Connection
starring Sylvester Stallone as Popeye Doyle comes on. A
scene involving Chi McBride appears. Willie takes a slow
bite of his pretzel, smiles and slowly nods his head, before
ripping the pretzel in two with his teeth.


Mitch Ryan is filming a commercial for deodorant on a
basketball court.
Smelly arms are the pits; use Pits
Stop, ya smelly bastard.
And cut! that's perfect Mitch! A
round of applause for Mr Ryan
The crew starts clapping as Willie, dressed as a production
assistant quickly walks up to him.
Thanks you smelly bastards!
Mitch towels his head off and heads towards his trailer. He
is intercepted by Willie dressed as a PA.
Sorry Mr. Ryan. Right this way
Ok. And who are you then buddy?
Oh. I'm Willie the new production
assistant. Also a big fan
Willie hands a stack of papers to Mitch
Whats that?
This is tomorrows script.
Where are you taking me?
I'm sorry, we had to move you to
the hotel across the street.
But all my stuff. I have my suits,
my cigars. What about that?


I took care of all that sir. We
had to get you out of there as
soon as possible.
OK. Why is that?
Bedbugs in your trailer. Lots of
Bedbugs? Ew
Yeah, New York right? We've had
our interns move your stuff to the
new room.
Where do they come from?
Mostly the local colleges.
Not the interns, the bed...
No the bedbugs I know. No one
really knows.
As they are talking, they are walking across the street and
up the stairs to a seedy hotel.
So many people throw their chairs
and furniture on the street, and
others pick em up, and they get
tossed around. Once, I saw a
beanbag chair, and I knew I
shouldn't but it was the Oscars,
and I had friends over and I
needed extra seats, and I did, and
sure enough just as they announced
the best adapted screenplay
winner, my friend jumped up and
started shouting bugs, bugs!
That's great.


Yeah, so out it went. I think
Brokeback Mountain won that
year.In fact I'm sure it did. Did
you see that?
They have walked to the third floor of a motel standing
outside by the stairs
Yeah. Good flick. Wow. You guys
spared no expense on this place.
What a dump.
Well, yeah. This was all done in a
rush. Your rooms on the second
Why are we on the third floor
Its hard to push someone up
Willie pushes Mitch down the stairs and quickly follows
after, throwing him into room 237, and locking the door
Mitch wakes up in a bathtub filled with water, fully clothed
and handcuffed to the soap dish. A rubber ducky floats by.
Willie in a Robert Loggia mask, is standing by the door.
There is a plugged in hair dryer draped over the shower
curtain rod, dangling close to the water.
What the fuck?
Well, well well. If it isn't
Mitch, "not David" Ryan.


What gives you the right to star
in Halloween six, Halloween SIX
for fucks sake, and then play the
captain in The Devils Own? A part
that David Payyyyyyy...David
Payyyyymmm...David Paymer was up
for, and you took it. You took it
away from him! And you think you
get to live?
I didn't take anything from David,
I love him. He's a dear friend.
Who the hell are you? Why do you
have Robert Loggias face?
Why are you still alive? You take
the words out of the greatest
actors mouth, and expect to get
away with it. Answer me!
What the fuck is the question? You
better hope I don't get out of
this tub mother fucker.
This tub is cleansing you of your
sins.you taketh away from Paymer,
and I taketh away from you.
David? You are really obsessed
with David Paymer? Is this a
fucking joke?
Do you see me laughing?
I can't see shit with Loggias face
on you
Well guess what? Its over tonight.
You know what rhymes with Mitch
bitch? (flustered) uh...bitch.


Mitch and Willie stare at each other for a second both
confused. Willie tugs on the hair dryer chord and it falls
into the tub, unplugging right before it hits the water.
They stare at each other confused again.
Damn it.
Willie takes off the mask and draws a gun on Mitch, shooting
him in the chest
Hope that didn't shock you!
Hope that didn't shock you? That
doesn't even make sense now
An unmarked cop car with lights flashing screeches to a halt
in front of the motel. Numerous uniformed officers are in
front of the hotel. Lieutenant Jodi Buchanan steps slowly
out of the car, and walks up to a uniformed sergeant with a
                       COP ONE
Are you Jodi?
                       COP 2
That's Lieutenant Buchanan rookie.
Sorry Lieutenant.
S'aright officer.
                       COP 2
Right over here Lou. You're going
to want to see this.
Jodi walks into the motel room into the bathroom where Mitch
Ryan's body is, still in the tub filled with water and
                       COP 2
We haven't touched anything since
the hotel manager called us in.
Looks like the vics name is...
Mitch Ryan. He was in Lethal
Weapon and The Devils Own. Wow


                       COP 2
You sure know your movies Lou
Well, I do like the movies. Do we
have any witnesses, any leads at
                       COP 2
He was shooting a commercial
across the street. The director
says he had a trailer the whole
time. No idea why he would be in
this hotel.
      (to cop one)
Why don't you go talk to the
extras...anyone on the set. See if
anyone else came over here with
                       COP 2
Lots of fingerprints. It is a
hotel. We didnt find a weapon or
anything. Hotel manager says the
room wasn't checked out to anyone.
How'd they get in then?
                       COP 2
They think a key was lifted from
housekeeping. I got a guy talking
to the staff.
Did you ever see that tv movie
Earthquake? Back in the 90's.
Jennifer Garner is in it. May have
been her first role. Mitch Ryan
was her father! It's a pleasure
                       COP 2
Hey Lou. What...what do you think
that means? its just a bunch of
pages that say Not David on it...
Jodi and Cop stare puzzled. On the toilet is a script that
reads Not David. As they pick it up and read it, they see
every page has Not David written in big letters, small
letters, typed, crayon, all different forms.


Luis Guzman is wrapping up a class for Spanish actors.
                       LUIS GUZMAN
So, do I care that I wasn't
Carlito? Absolutely not. Pachanga
was a much more fun character to
be. Being the secondary characters
can be just as fulfilling as the
leads. Plus you usually have the
best lines. And Pachanga's Way
doesn't have the same ring to it.
The class laughs as the bell rings. They get up to exit.
                       LUIS GUZMAN
Bueno Trajavo all. Until next
Luis puts some papers in a briefcase and walks out to the
lobby. The receptionist stops him.
Senor Guzman, you're 4pm has been
moved to room 237.
                       LUIS GUZMAN
My 4pm? I don't think I have
anyone today Liza.
Well, should I tell him to come
                       LUIS GUZMAN
      (Checks phone)
Well, I can talk to him for a
second. All the way down at the
other end of the school eh?
Yes sorry,. He said that's where
you usually meet.
                       LUIS GUZMAN
Where we usually meet? What's his
      (Checks note)
He just put down Robert L.


                       LUIS GUZMAN
Ugh, cono. I'll check it out.
Luis makes the trek down to room 237. He opens the door and
turns the light on. It flickers and turns on dimly.
At the back of the room there is a man in a hooded jacket.
This is Willie. His head is turned downward so his face
can't be seen.
                       LUIS GUZMAN
Roberto? Do I know you senor?
No senor Guzman. Not yet
                       LUIS GUZMAN
Not yet? What does that m...
Luis stops in mid sentence as Willie slowly raises his head
up revealing the Loggia mask.
                       LUIS GUZMAN
What the?
Willie stands up and slowly walks to the front of the class.
You did voices in Grand Theft Auto
right? The video game?
                       LUIS GUZMAN
Si. And you have Robert Loggias
face on
Don't interrupt. The whole time
you do scenes with other actors
and characters, but thought you
were too good to do a scene with
David Payyy......David Paymer?
Willie starts freaking out at Paymer's name again but gets
it under control
David Paymer? Are you too good to
be in the same scene with him?
                       LUIS GUZMAN
I don't make those decisions!


Stop interrupting!
                       LUIS GUZMAN
Stop asking questions!
We live in a country that allows
anyone in the world to come here
and act with David Paymer. And you
don't have the decency to
recognize how great he is!
                       LUIS GUZMAN
I was born in Puerto Rico.
Luis goes to turn the lights on
I wouldn't do that if I were you
                       LUIS GUZMAN
Why, do you have this rigged to
explode or something.
                       LUIS GUZMAN
Listen man. I got no beef with
you. Whatever it is you think I
Think! I don't think!
They look at each other awkwardly
                       LUIS GUZMAN
Well...if that's all, I guess ill
be going
Silencio! If you refuse to listen,
then you refuse to live!
Willie rushes Luis and stabs him with a knife hidden under
his jacket. Luis crumbles down the wall


Class dismissed!
                       LUIS GUZMAN
Really? Those are....the
last..words..I'll ever...hear?
Um...sorry...Looks like the
dog..ate YOUR homework.
                       LUIS GUZMAN
I liked...the other..one...better
cleaning lady walks into the room and turns the lights on.
They flicker and eventually turn on dimly. She pushes her
cart in and is about to start cleaning as she see Luis
Guzman slumped over dead by the chalkboard. In chalk, the
words No David and an arrow pointing to Luis is seen.
Backstage in a ballroom at a teenage fashion show, Beth
Grant is doing theater warmups while she flosses.
I love my mother, I love my
mother, I love my mother,I love my
mother, there's more in the middle
of Egg Mc Muffin than an egg in
the middle of a muffin. The balls
of Lance Armstrong are not strong
at all. The balls of Lance
Armstrong are not strong at all.
Beth inhales and exhales deeply a few times, cracks her neck
and points at herself.
You got this girl
Beth walks into the ballroom, and takes her seat behind a
table with two other woman. They are both middle aged with
obvious Bo Tox and other plastic surgery history. An
announcer walks to the center of the stage


      (phoning it in)
Whoa, calm down guys. That's
The crowd is silent
Welcome young and old, tall and
short, fat and fatter, to the 17th
God damn annual Little Darlings
Pageant. I'm your host, bitter.
Behind the stage a young girl is pouting as her mom is
shaking her.
Let's welcome our first object, I
mean little girl. Her name is
Abby. Her favorite food is chicken
fingers, and one day she wants to
grow up to be a space pirate.
That's right, a fucking space
As Abby dances on stage, Robert Loggia walks behind the
curtains. The host stops him.
Excuse me, shouldn't you be out
Willie shakes his hands and tries to leave.
No no. I've seen too many
negligent fathers at this thing.
You're going to help your little
girl win.
The host pushes Willie on stage. Baffled Willie does a dance
The shots go back and forth between Willie dancing and Beth
Grant realizing who is on stage. Frightened, she gets up,
puts her hand over her mouth and slowly runs through the
exit doors
No. No no no...no!


Beth runs to a door to find its locked, then another. She
eventually peeks through the door to see Willie is no longer
on stage. Panicked, she runs down the stairs to the
dressing rooms and locks herself inside.
Beth eventually calms down, and even smiles thinking maybe
she was wrong. As she opens the door she flinches expecting
someone there, but there is no one. She sighs and smiles. A
hanger is slipped over her head and around her neck from
behind, She struggles as Willie chokes the life out of her.
Please don't kill me. I havent
done anything. Please.
I'm sorry. I thought Steven
Toblowski was judging. You weren't
supposed to see me. But now that
you did..
After she is dead, Willie lifts her body up and hangs it on
the hook on the back of the door. He slams the door behind
A moment later the door opens again as Willie enters,
without the mask and takes Beth's body off the hook.
Looks like you're the runner up,
doll face.
Willie looks around waving to an imaginary crowd
Damn it!
Willie shakes his head and slams the door again
There are rows of people and booths lining the convention
floor. Hundreds of people are selling and buying comic
books, action figures, and all sorts of fanboy merch. Lots
of people are dressed as Vulcans and Wookies and Superman
etc...at the end of one aisle, there is a poster and sign
saying Meet R. Lee. Ermey, creator of Authority Figure! R
Lee Ermey sits behind a table as a fan approaches.
                       R LEE
Well hello there son.


Hello there yourself. Im a huge
fan of Authority Figure sir.
                       R LEE
Son that's OK now. You don't have
to salute
      (saluting harder)
Sir, yes sir!
                       R LEE
What can I do for you today?
I have a few questions about his
origin sir.
                       R LEE
Well, go right ahead son
      (Taking out a huge
Question one is a 3 part question
broken down into subsections.
                       R LEE
      (Smiling a
       clenched smile)
In one of the rows, a man dressed in a Robert Loggia mask is
confronted by a man dressed as a Jedi
Oh man, that is so funny dude.
Everyone here is dressed like a
Jedi or a Power Ranger. Fucking
Willie, in the Loggia mask, looks the man up and down.
      (Takes cell phone
You must be a big...uh...Big fan!
Ermey is walking down a row of booths with people dressed as
GI Joe figures. He stops and peaks to one dressed as a sexy


                       R LEE
Honey, I wish they looked like
As R Lee is approaching a mens room, a man in his late
thirties approaches him holding an army hat.
                       MAN WITH HAT
Excuse me sir. But I'm a huge fan.
I...I bought this hat, your hat,
from Full Metal Jacket in an
online auction. I beat someone
from Cameroon.
                       R LEE
Well, how about that. She looks
                       MAN WITH HAT
Yes she does. Listen, that movie
really made me understand what my
dad went through, and I was hoping
you would sign it.
                       R LEE
      (Taking the hat)
It'd be a pleasure son. Just let
me answer the call of nature
R Lee walks into the bathroom and looks at the hat shaking
his head. He puts the hat on, smiles and faces a urinal.
There is a man dressed as the Joker at the sink.
Willie, in the Loggia mask, slowly walks out of a stall. He
is dressed in white shorts, white shirt and flip flops. He
slowly approaches R Lee.
                       R LEE
Ahhh,that's better.
Willie aims a gun at R Lee. R Lee senses this and turns to
                       R LEE
God damn it son you scared me. You
think this is funny? Damn near had
me a heart attack.
Willie aims the gun at R Lee's chest


                       R LEE
Now hang on son. That gun looks
real. Whats going on here? Why
don't we just slow down.
Willie shoots once hitting R Lee in the chest. The silencer
is on. R Lee slumps down the wall dead.
Holy fucking fuck!
Willie leaves the bathroom walking past the man who wanted
the hat signed who is looking around confused
Willie and Joey are having dinner. Willie is having a Coke
and Joey is getting tanked on beers. In the background a TMZ
type newscast is on.
This dude came into Target today
and I swear it was Patrick Swayze.
Patrick Swayze is
Dead I know, but this dude looked
just like he did in Dirty Dancing.
I think he faked his death.
He faked his death?
I don't know. Yeah. People do it
Wait a second Joey. Not only did
he fake his death but he found a
way to look like he did 30 years
I dont know how science works!
I don't think you know ....
Willie stops in mid sentence and stares at the TMZ show


Check this out. Actor John Carroll
Lynch, Who? I mean character actor
John Carroll Lynch, avoided a
grisly death this morning which
may be connected to other
mysterious murders of character
actors around the city.
Willie slowly shakes his head.
Trying to chillax with a little
sushi action for lunch, old Lynchy
was almost killed with a pair of
chopsticks in the mens room.
Wasabi with that?
Willie brushes a little wasabi from his shirt. Joey is
clueless pounding a beer.
Check it. Lynch told the cops that
he was accosted by a guy wearing a
mask...of this dude!
Robert Loggia's face appears on screen
The old dude from Big! What!!!!!
i'll get you next time
What'd you say?
Um..I'll get some more wine
You're not drinking wine.
You said, "I'll get you next
Yeah. I'll get you next time.


What does that mean?
It means...that...I don't have any
cash. Can you spot me for dinner?
But it's my birthday! You said you
were taking me out
Uh...Ok. I got it
Im confused. Do you have money or
Drink your beer Joey
Willie glances at the tv onc last time
Next time Lynch
Next time Lynch?
Shut up Joey!
A group of actors including McGinley, Phillip Baker
Hall,Beau and Mike Starr, Nancy Allen are confronting Chi at
his table. Chi is eating a steak. Wallace Shawn, as Chi's
right hand man, is fielding questions. The bartender,
Shifty, is working and cleaning up around the bar.
                       BEAU STARR
Chi, what's being done to stop
                       MIKE STARR
I was going to ask that!
                       BEAU STARR
I was going to ask that...well I
did, so there.


                       JOHN C
So uh..we're all going to die and
(whistles) that's it huh. Good
meeting guys
                       WALLACE SHAWN
Settle down.Please. Settle down.
We are working with the police.
                       JOHN C
Oh good. Wallace Shawn is lending
his talents to the NYPD. I may as
well put the bullet in my head
Shifty sits at the piano and starts playing Imagine by the
Beetles. Everyone turns to him and yells shut up.
I just thought...we could all use
a little...ya know..peace
                       BEAU STARR
Shifty... you're a god damn
bartender and a shitty one at
that. Please stop auditioning for
Can we please focus here guys.
Wallace, is it true this...monster
is killing character actors? Is
that really happening?
Wallace looks at Chi. Chi slowly nods
                       WALLACE SHAWN
Yes. it seems like what happened
with Noah was not an isolated
incident, and this man seems to be
targeting character actors.
Actors though...not actresses? See
ya guys. i have a book signing to
go to.
                       PHILLIP BAKER HALL
Damn it Chi! What are you doing
about this?


                       WALLACE SHAWN
Please, please..Chi is doing
everything he...
Chi interrupts by raising his hand. He dabs a napkin to the
side of his mouth and stands up.
the legend of King Arthur is over
1000 years old. When Arthur was 16
years old, the King mysteriously
died. Merlin suspected that
Ygraine's daughter, the angry
Morgan Le Fay, might be
responsible. Ygraine ruled as
queen, but she was a weak leader.
Different lords tried to step in
as king, causing unrest within the
The Khaki's look at each other with open mouths. John C is
about to say something then thinks better of it and stops.
I am simply saying, perhaps the
threat is inside the kingdom.
Perhaps it is closer than we
                       WALLACE SHAWN
One of us? Inconceivable!
Maybe not Wallace. These deaths
are not random. They are not
clumsy. They are well thought out
and timed perfectly.
                       JOHN C
Uh...rice and lamb?
Except rice and lamb. This man
knows us.
                       MIKE STARR
Say. Wallace over here has been
belly aching about not booking
anything in a while...
                       PHILLIP BAKER HALL
Yeah. And thinning the herd sure
would give you more opportunities.


                       JOHN C
Shut the fuck up Shifty and go
clean a toliet
                       BEAU STARR
Seems like an open and shut case
                       WALLACE SHAWN
What? That's preposterous.
Settle down Khaki's Let's not
start turning on each other. I
simply mean be careful when you're
out. Be aware of your
surroundings. If you have any
unusual fan encounters, or mail,
let us know,
Chi looks at Wallace with a concerned look as Wallace is
trying to plead with the crowd that he is not a killer.
Robert Loggia is sitting at a table looking very confused.
Outside the door Jodi is giving herself a pep talk.
You can do this, you can do this,
you can do this...Oh my God that's
Robert 'Big" Loggia! You can do
this...let's get into character...
Jodi opens the door, slams it behind her. She kicks a chair
away from the table, places a leg on it and rests her elbow
on her knee.
Well. If it isn't the character
actor killer.
The what now?


Don't play games with me Loggia.
You've been identified at the
scenes of several murders
involving your fellow actors.
I have no idea what this is about?
Are you insane woman?
      (under her breath)
No. I'm not insane.
      (Looks at Loggia)
For the past few weeks some
amazingly talented actors have
been brutally murdered, and
several witnesses place you at the
That's impossible as I've been in
Chile for the past month filming a
few scenes in the Scarface
Are you looking at me right now
and actually saying that you
...are making...a SCARFACE
PREQUEL! Oh . My . God!
Jodi sits down and sighs.
Listen. I'm sorry for the tough
cop routine...
Jodi sits down and sighs.
That was your tough cop?
Yes. We know you didn't murder
anyone, we just have to get some
answers. Is there anyone who would
want to get back at you? Any
reason for someone to frame you?
Absolutely not. You say people saw
me at these crime scenes?


Yes. Or, someone wearing a mask of
your face.
A...mask. Of my face?
Is that possible? Do you have a
line of ...Loggia masks out there
Of course I do. I'm the most
popular Halloween costume for kids
between 2-8. What the fuck?
Well, we're not sure who this is,
but he is definitely wearing your
As you can see I have my face. And
these people are friends of mine.
I'm really confused, and getting
more pissed off as we go.
I can sympathize.
You can?
So someone out there has worn a
mask of your face and killed
people you work with before?
Um. Well. No
Wait. My face? A bunch of props
and set pieces from Psycho 2...
Love it


A bunch of props
and set pieces from Psycho 2 just
recently sold on EBAY with the
proceeds going to charity. One of
those was my ...severed dummy
head. They went another way with
my death in the movie, but they
still made it.
OK. So if we can get the name of
whoever bought that, we have a
good lead.
This is the craziest thing I've
ever heard. When you find that son
of a bitch, give me 5 minutes
alone with him.
Ok, we're done here. I just have
to take your picture ..for the
Jodi takes her cell phone out, wraps her arm around Loggias
shoulder, smiles, and takes the picture.
That will be all sir.
Austin Pendleton is at the front desk agitated and looking
for help. He is frantically talking to the desk cop.
                       COP ONE
Sir. Please calm down and tell me
your name again.
It's Austin. Austin Pendleton.
Please...I mean...he's out there.
Just hide me.
                       COP ONE
And "he" would be this ...actor


Character actor...yes..yes! I just
want to see what you're doing
to...find him.
                       COP ONE
Sir I assure you we are doing all
we can...
Not good enough...sorry...I mean,
not good enough. My friends are
dropping like flies and I don't
want to be next
                       COP ONE
Sir. I need you to calm down and
take a seat and we will...
That's alright officer. I'll take
care of this. Mr. Pendelton sir, I
am a big fan of your work. Please
come with me
The two walk down a hall behind the desks.
Thank you officer...
It's Lieutenant actually.
Lieutenant Buchanan.
I've never been through anything
like this. I mean I've had people
not like my work. I got a few hate
mails after Sgt Bilko. But this...
I know. I know. I'm a huge movie
buff ...and a cop of course, and
I'm working as hard as I can on
this. Officer Todd Rogers will
take you down to the interview
room and Ill be down to talk to
you both.


Yes.One of our officers brought in
another witness. Todd, can you
take Mr Pendleton to the interview
room please?
                       COP ONE
Of course. Right this way sir.
The officer escorts Austin to an interview room, opens the
door and sends him in.
                       COP ONE
This is Mr. Pacino. He has
information about the Khaki
Killer. The lieutenant will be
right back
No relation.
You say you have information? Do
you know when he'll strike again?
I've lost too many friends as it
As a matter of fact I do. That's
why I came here. I know you from
somewhere. You're an actor right?
Yes. Yes I am...when...when is he
going to ...strike?
I can't place you. I know I've
seen you in something.
I've been in a lot of
things...when is he going to kill
again? Do you know who it is? We
have to help.
It'll come to me...hang on
Is it me? Am I next? Tell me!


      (Snaps fingers)
That's it! My Cousin Vinny! You
were in My Cousin Vinny!
Yes. Yes yes..I was.
Very funny. Very funny stuttering
scene...still holds up.
I can't believe you know something
and won't tell me
Thing is though...you see...the
thing is...you were in Searching
for Bobby Fischer right?
Um. Yes. Yeah so?
Yeah ...soooooo. So was David
Paymer...and you...you had way
more screen time then him. You
had the nerve to upstage David
I don't have anything to do with
that. I don't make those
Not only that but you refused to
even share the screen with him.
It wasn't written that
way...I...wait....who are you
Me? Just a fan. A fan of the
greatest living actor ever to
grace the silver fucking screen.
Um..Um. Oh Lieutenant!


How dare you. You think you can
make it up but letting him go
first in the credits?
It's alphabetical. Lieutenant!!!
You don't think I know that? I
know a lot about a lot of things.
I know who the character actor
killer is!
      (Slowly cracks his
Willie takes out a small knife and stabs Austin once in the
ear killing him. He stands up , wipes his knife on his
jacket and puts it back in his pocket. He takes a step
towards the door.
Checkmate! Cause ya know..Bobby
Fischer...oh...no ones here...
Jodi opens the door and throws a few bag of groceries on a
small table. Her apartment is very small with movie posters
and movie props scattered all around. She picks up an
unsolved Rubiks Cube and gives it a few turns. Frustrated
she puts it back down.
Honey, I'm home! Some day someone
will hear that.
She goes to a small mini fridge and opens a Guinness. She
crashes on her chair and watches the news. She glances at
her answering machine and sees no new messages
Ah, who uses an answering machine
anymore anyway.


She picks up an Entertainment magazine and rifles through
it, occasionally circling articles or movies she wants to
The news shows a brief story about the death of David
The tragic murder of character
actor James Naughton is just
another in a shocking line of
recent attacks on semi
celebrities. Mr Naughtons body was
found in a car wash with the words
Not David written in soap on his
Jodi stops drinking her beer and stares at the TV
David Morse and DJ Qualls are getting ready to play a game
of one on one.
                       DAVID MORSE
I havent stretched today, but I'm
pretty sure youre going down. Oh,
and by the way, tried bikram yoga,
and ...fuck bikram yoga.
                       D J
Huh...yeah...it's not...not for
                       DAVID MORSE
No its not. Loser buys Nets tix. I
haven't seen Barclay's Center yet.
                       D J
Me too
                       DAVID MORSE
Me too? What? I was saying loser
buys tickets...are you ok?


                       D J
I don't...are you sure it's a good
idea being out so late...in
public...like, wide open
                       DAVID MORSE
Come on DJ. You're not serious
                       D J
No really man, I think there is
something to this. I'm freaking
                       DAVID MORSE
Ah. So, there's a person out there
killing off character actors...
                       D J
                       DAVID MORSE
Khaki's...excuse me...one by one,
and you think we're next? First of
all, your'e not famous enough to
be next
                       D J
                       DAVID MORSE
Oh I forgot about your Emmy
winning performance on my Name is
Earl. I'm kidding. Seriously
though, no one knows us. That's
the beauty of our work.
                       D J
I guess.
                       DAVID MORSE
Besides, if he kills all of us,
who would play the presidents aids
or defense lawyers in the next
Michael Bay movies?
David throws the ball to DJ
                       DAVID MORSE
Play to 21
David and DJ start to play one on one. David swats down a
shot from DJ, recovers it and shoots it perfectly through
the net.


                       DAVID MORSE
Slow clapping is heard from off the court. David and DJ look
over to see a man in a hoodie sitting on a park bench
                       DAVID MORSE
Um...thank you.
The clapping gets louder as the man starts to get up and
hoot and holler. This is Willie. His face is shrouded in
darkness by the hoodie.
Woo-hoo! Yay!
                       DAVID MORSE
Ok. That's enough thanks.
The clapping and hollering gets louder
Bravo! Oh what a great job! Worthy
of an Oscar!
                       D J
Holy shit! That's him!
                       DAVID MORSE
That's who?
                       D J
The guy! The fucking guy that
killed Noah! And Eremy! Oh my God!
We're next!
                       DAVID MORSE
No asshole in a Devils jacket is
going to kill me
Willie walks through the gate onto the court. He pulls the
hood down to reveal the Robert Loggia mask. He reaches under
his hoodie and draws out a small crossbow.
                       D J
Oh man. Please no! Come on!
                       DAVID MORSE
What are you going to do with that
little bow and arrow thing huh?
You've watched Lord of the Rings
too many times.


DJ screams and tries to run past Willie out of the court.
Willie turns around and fires the crossbow shooting an arrow
through his head.
And the extra point is good
                       DAVID MORSE
Jesus! You put an arrow through
his head! Who does that?
What...what do you mean the extra
point is good?
Basketball term. Seemed
                       DAVID MORSE
The extra point is a football term
you moron.
There's extra points in
                       DAVID MORSE
Yes! At the free throw line!
                       DAVID MORSE
But they don't say extra point.
It's just a point.
Well, what would you say?
                       DAVID MORSE
What? What would I say?
What would you say?!?
                       DAVID MORSE
What would I say if I murdered
someone with a crossbow on a
basketball court?


                       DAVID MORSE
I don't know! Uh, swish, nothing
but death?
Hmmm. That's pretty good. Ok
Willie fires an arrow into David's head. David falls down
Swish. Nothing but death. Thanks
Willie is at a diner across the street from his local movie
theater. He is reading Silence of the Lambs and eating a big
stack of pancakes. An older couple walks in
Oh hey Mr and Mrs Scobie
                       MR SCOBIE
Morning Willie
Oh Hey Mr Scobie...we got Four
Roses whiskey in again... I hid a
bottle for ya....behind...
Mr Scobie looks at Willie hinting he should shut up and stop
                       MRS SCOBIE
You're drinking again?
                       MR SCOBIE
No. I...thanks a lot Willie
      (A beat)
You can pick it up tomorrow!
Willie checks his watch, throws some money on the counter,
grabs a laundry bag by the table and leaves.

Willie walks into a laundromat across the street


      (Talking to
I know you know, but just want to
say again the movie shirts...are
you listening? The movie shirts
get washed at a warm temperature.
Warm, not hot. That takes the
images off. The horror
shirts...now, those can be washed
Willie is in line at the bank. He is still reading Silence
of the lambs. It is his turn and he walks to the front.
I wanted to start putting my trust
fund check into this account. Also
whatever my remaining balance
is,I'd like that in this account
Looks the teller up and down
Love your suit
Willie wanders down the street into his job at the liquor
store. As he enters he sees his boss Paddy talking to a cop.
Paddy points at Willie when he enters.
There he is now. Willie, come
Willie slowly walks over, pulling the box cutter out of his
This is the guy you're looking
for. Willie, this officer has a
few questions for you.
Willie, clearly nervous, stops.
The cop opens a folder he is holding, and takes out a


                       JERSEY COP
Paddy says you're a movie buff. Im
thinking about quitting the force
and becoming an actor. What do you
think of my headshots?
Oh. They're great. Yeah. Really
                       JERSEY COP
Thanks. I have a big audition for
Undercover MTA. Very excited.
Undercover MTA? Wow. That's with
David Payyyy...David
Payyy....Paymer. David Paymer!
Paddy rolls his eyes and slaps the cop on his back.
See you later little sis. Break a
Paddy turns to Willie and shows him the paper
Willie. Another one of your heroes
bit the dust. What's going on
The paper reads "Hoop There It Is" and shows a picture of
David Morse dead on the court
      (Under his breath)
Hoop there it is, that's a good
Shifty is walking through the park after purchasing a bag of
      (On phone)
I think todays the day. They treat
me like shit there but never let
me perform. I never get even one
audition! And I have to listen to
all their old war stories of how
they made it in Hollywood, and how


                       SHIFTY (cont'd)
they had to do community theater
and mascot work and I just don't
As he puts some weed in a one hitter and starts to smoke, he
notices a guy in a Robert Loggia mask pass slowly down the
street in the shadows.
Holy shit! That's the guy! The
guys that's been killing off all
the actors. I think I see my big
break walking down the street!
Shifty crosses the street and follows closely behind into a
small doorstep off the street. He slowly walks past it as he
sees Willie take the mask off briefly and wipe sweat from
his forehead. They lock eyes.
Willie takes off running with the Loggia mask under his arm.
Shifty follows
Hey man! Stop! Stop dude!
Shifty runs down the street, weaving in between people and
cars.. He looks around looking for Willie.
Hi. 911? Help! I mean, I need
help! I found the character actor
killer...oh wait....wait. i see
him. And I see one of you guys
Willie runs down the steps to a Chinese restaurant followed
by Shifty
Oh fuck man. Officer, down here!
Down here!
Shifty runs down the steps looking around for Willie. He is
struck in the back of the head and falls down.
Disoriented, he starts to get up, and falls again as a boot
steps on the back of his neck.


Oh fuck. I wont say nothing man, I
promise. I promise! I just wanted
to be a hero. Look. Maybe we can
work this out. Maybe I can be your
sidekick! I don't like these
motherfuckers, I'm just using
The boot rises to reveal a Spiderman sock under a heavy
military boot and steps hard on Shifty's neck which snaps
and kills him instantly.
David Paymer enters to an empty bar with the exception of
Chi McBride behind the bar and Dale Dickey drunk being
served by Chi.
                       DAVID PAYMER
      (Taking his hat
Wow. Chi, maybe you should start
doing trivia in here.
What is, while I appreciate your
attempt at levity David, it is way
too soon.
                       DAVID PAYMER
Oh, uh..sorry Chi. I just...don't
really know what to say these
How about I'm fucking sorry
                       DAVID PAYMER
Whats that? Dale?
No one is here because theyd
rather live...than..ya know...die
                       DAVID PAYMER
I guess I understand hiding
but...why should I be sorry?
"Why am I the one?"


                       DAVID PAYMER
That's not what I said
"Thats not right" Ya know what I
mean. David..or should I say Not
Dale, I think maybe you've had
                       DAVID PAYMER
What? No ...no Dale. This has
nothing to do with me
Think about it.
      (They all look at
       each other)
Oh. Well...character actors are
being murdered. The only clue left
behind is Not David. What do you
think about that Daaaaaaave?
David Paymer walks to the end of the bar to confront Dale
                       DAVID PAYMER
Now listen. These are my friends.
My colleagues! If you think I have
anything to do with their...their
deaths, than...
She's not saying that David
Yes I am
She is saying that David.
Let us name all the character
actors still alive named David,
mmmkay? Ummm....lets see....
      (Long pause)
                       DAVID PAYMER
This is crazy! Chi, tell her shes


Chi looks at Dale who smashes a bottle on the bartop.
David,there has been a little talk
about this killer having some ties
to the acting community. And your
name popped up as a possible link.
                       DAVID PAYMER
What about David Carradine? Or
Letterman? Or Lee Roth!
Everyone knows them! Nobody knows
                       DAVID PAYMER
And they know you Ms.True Blood?
No jackass..they dont. And they
dont know anyone of our friends
thats been murdered. This person
is killing character actors
because he may just be obsessed
with you!
Dale, come on. Youre a little
tipsy. I'll call you a cab
I dont need a Chi cab, I live
across the street. For now. Until
David Paymer's boyfriend kills me!
Dale stumbles out the door and takes Paymers hat
Paul Calderon is checking his phone as he walks out of the
airport heading to the taxi line. He notices a limo driver
holding a sign with his name on it. He approaches
Hi. Um, I'm Paul Calderon.
Oh, I know who you are. I'm a big


Oh. Thanks. I didn't think they
were sending a limo. Now that's
      (opening door)
Oh yeah, when I heard it was you I
insisted on picking you up. I'm a
huge Pulp Fiction fan.
Are you?
Willie opens the door and Paul gets in the back
I guess you know where I'm going
Oh, I know where you're going
Willie gets in the drivers seat and pulls away. Paul is
reading over a script as the partition between the front
seat and back seat rolls down.
So how was the flight in? We're
required to ask
Oh yeah. It was fine. Real smooth
      (Over excited)
Ha ha ha ha! That's great!
Uh huh
Man I really love the movies. I
tried to write a few scripts. Some
were almost made too. Had some
great ideas.
Is that right?
Yeah. One of them was read by
James Rebhorn! Ya know, a lot of
my stories are dark comedies.


                       WILLIE (cont'd)
You're going along, everything is
normal, then "bam" something crazy
happens and you're like, what?
Uh huh. Say, I'm just gonna shut
my eyes for a second. You mind
rolling that thing up?
Oh. Sure Paul. Sure
Willie rolls the partition up. Paul settles back and closes
his eyes. The partition rolls down again.
You were in Bait right?
Excuse me?
Excuse me! Bait, with Jamie Fox
and David ....David Pay....David
Yeah. I was. So what man? you a
fan of that one too
Im the biggest fan you'll ever
meet. Why did you force David
Paymer to be in that horrible
I didn't force anyone in anything.
What the hell are you talking
about? Man roll that shit up
Willie rolls the partition up again
Willie rolls the partition down again. This time he has the
Loggia mask on.


What on the hell are you wearing?
Can you drive with that on ya
The thing is though...you see..the
thing is...that movie almost
ruined David Paymer
You forced him to be in that
movie. I know you did. You almost
ruined the greatest living actor
in the world!
Oh shit man. Come on. i had
nothing to do with that. That was
all the casting agents.
You're names Paul and that's
between you all. And I will strike
down upon the with great venge...
      (The gun goes off)
Willie has shot Paul in the face. He rolls the partition up,
takes the mask off and continues driving
      (rolls partition
Buckle up! It's the law
He rolls up the partition again.
Willie and Joey are watching the SAG Awards. They have a
variety of junk food splayed out on the table. Gerald
McRaney is handing out an award on TV
And the award for Best Supporting
Actor in a two week made for cable
miniseries in an American remake
of a Swedish series goes


                       MCRANEY (cont'd)
to...Robert Hays for A Shot in the
Dark: My Daughter has Cataracts.
Robert Hays looks surprised, kisses his wife, and walks up
to the stage
That's bullshit. Lee Majors nailed
it in that acrobat movie.
What movie?
Yeah, the one where hes the
acrobat and swings from the
trapeze and falls and breaks his
neck then comes back from the dead
to win the circus.
To win the circus?
I think that's right
On TV, Chi McBride introduces the "In Memorium" montage of
actors who have passed.
As shop steward of the characters
actors association of America, I
speak for us all as I say how very
saddened we are at all of the very
recent losses our industry has
endured at the hands of a madman.
We will find you. We will bring
you to justice. There are no small
parts, just small men with small
dreams and...
      (Music plays)
Oh. Our in Memorium montage
Oh this is sad
As the montage goes on it is clear that half of the listed
actors have been killed by Willie.
I cant believe how many people
died this year. That's fucked up.


Yeah. Wait till next year.
What did you say?
What? I didn't say anything
Yeah...you said wait till next
No. I said I'll have another beer.
You're drinking cokes
Oh yeah...I said wait till next
Then why did you just say you said
you want another beer?
No. I just meant...shut up!
Whatever man
Just watch the show Jodi
Did you just call me Jodi?
I said Joey, damn what, are you
writing a screenplay?
Willie is just about to close the store. He grabs his
backpack and as he is setting the alarm, David Paymer runs
to the door and pleads to get in. Willie is excited to see
him but keeps it in check. He opens the door.


We're closed! Just kidding. I'll
open up. Only for you Mr P!
                       DAVID PAYMER
      (Smacking Willie
       on the back)
Thank you Willie. You are a saint
and a gentlemen. Running late
I'll grab your case of Molson.
                       DAVID PAYMER
Am I that predictable?
No way.
Willie throws his backpack on the counter and runs to the
cooler to get the beer. David Paymer leans back against the
                       DAVID PAYMER
I appreciate it Willie. It's been
a long week.
Really? What's going on?
                       DAVID PAYMER
Well, You probably have heard
about the murder investigation. I
just...Im just a wreck.
Yeah. I have been following that.
Very...very sad. But you'll be
                       DAVID PAYMER
I don't know. Its freaky. I'm just
trying to stay busy
Really, working on anything?
                       DAVID PAYMER
Yeah. You ever watch Undercover
MTA? I'm doing a three episode
arc. Been filming that this week.


Oh yeah, I did read that. You
haven't done TV in a while.
                       DAVID PAYMER
It has been a while. Ill let you
know when it airs. Whats with this
mask Willie? Going to a party?
(under his breath) Oh shit
David checks his watch and sees that Willie's backpack is
unzipped. He stares at it and sees half of the Loggia mask
sticking out. He gasps silently and inches towards the door.
That's exciting. Man, I can't
believe you've been coming to this
store since Get Shorty. I loved
that movie. It still holds up.
                       DAVID PAYMER
      (Moving to the
Uh, yeah. Yeah thanks. It was a
fun one to work on. You know
Willie, actually, I think the wife
picked up a case earlier, so I
really dont need that one.
You can never have too much beer
Mr P. Come on, I already pulled it
from the cooler.
                       DAVID PAYMER
      (More nervous)
No Willie. I'm good. Been meaning
to quit anyway. Ha, so ...
But it's so cold. And I got it for
you. I stayed open for you!
Willie notices that the Loggia mask can be seen in his
backpack. He drops the case of beer and runs to the door
cutting off Paymer
Please don't go. You can't go
                       DAVID PAYMER
Willie. Just let me leave. Please.
I won't say anything. Trust me.


I do trust you. I think you're the
greatest actor that's ever lived.
                       DAVID PAYMER
That's very nice of you to say
Willie. But I don't want to die
Die? I'm not going to...do you
think? I would never ever hurt
you. I'm your biggest fan.
                       DAVID PAYMER
That's nice Willie. That's real
real nice.
Yeah ...it is. And once all these
actors are out of the way, you get
every part. And the next step is
                       DAVID PAYMER
Chi? Willie? What are you talking
He beat you for re-election in the
character actors union. He beat
you! And I'm going to beat
him...to death!
                       DAVID PAYMER
Willie! No. I..I didn't want that
gig any more. It doesn't even
really mean anything. It's
don't do anything crazy.
Well there's no crazy people
around here...right Dave?
                       DAVID PAYMER
Right Willie. But...the mask...my
friends..what is all this?
      (Slowly getting
What is all this? All this? It's


                       WILLIE (cont'd)
for you! For you David! Yes Dave!
YES Dave!
                       DAVID PAYMER
Dear God Willie! No. Why?
Willie slowly walks toward David Paymer during his speech
until he is right in his face
Why Mr P? Why? Because you stood
up to Billy Crystal in Mr Saturday
Night! You know the Commish! You
Got Shorty! You are the reason the
cinema is the most magical place
in the world!
                       DAVID PAYMER
But my friends Willie! Noah, R
Lee, Mitch Ryan, why? Why!
You were up for the Devil's Own.
And Ryan took that part from you.
So I took his life from him. And
now, I'm going to make damn sure
no other actors can ever take a
role from Yes David again!
                       DAVID PAYMER
Im flattered Willie, but I
really...think you need help. Let
me call someone...
Help? I helped you! I'm still
helping you! Every day and every
thing I do is for you!
David notices a box cutter lying on the floor. Willie
follows David gaze and sees it too and reaches down to pick
it up. David tenses up, scared. Willie puts it in his back
pocket. The door to the liquor store opens as a customer
walks in. David and Willie both look at him.
We're closed!
Paymer pushes past Willie, knocking the customer over and
running towards the door.


                       STORE CUSTOMER 2
Hey what the fuck man! I know you!
you're that guy from that thing!
Paymer hops in his car, frantically turns the engine on and
drives out of the parking lot. Willie stares menacingly as
he drives away.
                       STORE CUSTOMER 2
Can I use your bathroom?
That guy from that thing? That's
      (Kicks him)
      (Kicks him again)
      (Kicks him a final
Paymers car is seen speeding away as John Slattery walks out
of the pizza place next door
                       JOHN SLATTERY
      (Looking around)
                       DAVID PAYMER
Oh my God, oh my God, oh My God.
Oh...oh shit, Slattery!
Slattery answers his cell phone outside the liquor store
                       JOHN SLATTERY
                       DAVID PAYMER
John! John, I'm sorry I left so
fast. That's him! that's the guy
                       JOHN SLATTERY
That's who?
                       DAVID PAYMER
The character actor killer! Thats
the character actor killer! The
liquor store guy!


                       JOHN SLATTERY
Oh really?
                       DAVID PAYMER
Yes. Get out of there. Im going
straight to that detective from
the news. Just go man. Do not let
him see you
                       JOHN SLATTERY
      (Hangs up)
Oh he's going to see me. Hey you!
John throws the pizza on the ground and walks over to
Willie. The customer gets up and runs away
                       STORE CUSTOMER 2
You're fucking nuts!
I know you?
                       JOHN SLATTERY
Yes! God damn it I've been in 30
movies! And you've been killing my
friends you mother fucker
Oh yeah?
                       JOHN SLATTERY
Yeah, and now you're all mine.
Slattery swings at Willie, but Willie opens the door of the
liquor store as Slattery's fist goes through it. Willie
picks up a bottle of vodka, runs outside and smashes it over
Slattery's head. He falls to the ground
Drinks on you!
He looks around but no one is there to have heard his quip.
Damn it!
Chi McBride is on the phone talking to David Paymer


Ok. Slow down. David slow down.
How do you know this?
                       DAVID PAYMER
      (In car)
The mask. It was there. I'm
telling you Chi. Hes coming for
everyone! He's coming for you!
Good. Let him come.
                       DAVID PAYMER
Let him come? Chi, what?
When the worlds of fantasy and
reality collide, and the lines
between what is good and what is
evil are blurred, it takes a
strong man to...
                       DAVID PAYMER
      (Rolling his eyes)
Whatever Chi! He's killed too many
of our friends, Noah, Beth, Luis
He killed Wallace Shawn!
                       DAVID PAYMER
But...no. We killed Wall...
No David. He killed Wallace.
                       DAVID PAYMER
Dammit just leave the club
Chi hangs up the phone. He looks over to a corner of the
club at Nancy Allen who slams a shot of Jack Daniels and
nods her head slowly. Chi smiles.
Jodi is sitting at her desk going over crime scene photos.
There is a knock on the door.


      (Does not look up)
Come in
An officer escorts David Paymer inside.
                       COP ONE
Lieutenant, this man says he has
information about the...character
actor killer.
                       DAVID PAYMER
Thank you
The cop seems to recognize David Paymer but he can't be
sure. David enters the room as the cop leaves and closes the
door. Jodi still does not look up. She is immersed in the
crime scene photos.
Have a seat.
                       DAVID PAYMER
Thank you
So you know our mysterious killer
                       DAVID PAYMER
Jodi looks up as the pencil in her mouth falls out
You're David Paymer. In my office.
David Paymer!
                       DAVID PAYMER
Yes. That's me.
Sorry. I'm a big fan. Ummm...can I
get you some coffee or water? Or
...do you want a beer?
                       DAVID PAYMER
I'm fine. Thank you. I...I know
who the character actor killer is.
I can take you to where he lives


Paymer stops and stares at Jodi who is trying to sneak a
picture of him on her phone. She gets caught and stops.
Sorry. Yes. This man that goes
around wearing a Robert Loggia
mask, big fan of his too by the
way, and kills actors. How do you
know him?
                       DAVID PAYMER
Well, the odd thing is, I know him
from a few different places
actually. He works in New Jersey
at a liquor store by my house.
But, I actually met him in prison
You were in prison? Were you
researching a movie?
                       DAVID PAYMER
Not really. I was a young actor
and involved in a program that
helps inmates express their
interests in acting called the J T
Walsh's Arts for Inmates Program.
David Paymer is seen talking to a group of inmates all
seated around him in a circle. He is lecturing on acting
                       DAVID PAYMER
I was talking to a group of
inmates who were interested in
directing and acting in their own
films. Most of them were very
dark, and all their screenplays
were about revenge of some
kind...most involved more then one
cop being killed and tortured.
Anyway...I spent a few months
there, and one inmate really took
to what I was saying.
David and Willie are seen reading over a script Willie wrote
at a table in the prison break room.
...and at the end, the whole
family thinks the wedding was
called off, but the daughter


                       WILLIE (cont'd)
secretly wed anyway. She has to
keep it a secret until the will is
read. Does...does that make sense?
                       DAVID PAYMER
Actually...yes. I like the twist.
She gets what he wants, and the
grandfather gets what he wants.
Its a real solid ending.
Really? You think it's real?
Willie's eyes widen in admiration and happy to have Paymer's
                       DAVID PAYMER
Yeah Willie. I think you have a
real gift. I'd love to be in one
of your movies one day.
Really? Oh my God! It's a deal!
It's a deal!
They continue talking as David Paymer continues his
                       DAVID PAYMER
The next few months he wrote
several screenplays, but one day I
was told he wouldn't be attending
anymore as apparently he broke
some rules. I lost touch with him
until I recognized him years later
running the counter at my local
liquor store. Small weird little
Back in the Present
Yes it is. What is this mans name?
David digs through his pockets
                       DAVID PAYMER
I had to go home and look it up
from my old notes cause I only
knew his first name. Here it is.
Willie. Willie Lasko


Jodi's jaw drops. She sits down fast in her chair.
                       DAVID PAYMER
      (Standing up)
Are you alright officer?
Willie Lasko? You said Willie
                       DAVID PAYMER
Yes. Willie Lasko. Do you...do you
know him?
I. I did. He's why I became a cop.
Jodi is explaining how she and Willie know each other while
driving to Willie's house.
Flashback: A bell rings as students file in. Willie walks in
talking with some friends. We hear Jodi in a series of
I remember the first time I knew
we were going to be great friends.
We both had a real passion for
character actors and the great
roles they play.
Willie sits at a desk behind Jodi and talks to the student
next to him
Seriously, I was walking out of
the arcade and there he was. Just
like in the movie. Bernie, from
Weekend at Bernie's!
      (Turns excited)
You saw Terry Kiser?
Willie wide eyed, slowly smiles


I was the RA for my floor. I liked
being in charge even though I
didn't really practice what I
Come on ladies, out of the hall,
into your room. If there's any
boys in here you have five seconds
to jump out the window and you
better be wearing pants!
Jodi walks down to the room at the end of the hall. Willie
sticks his head out of the door.
Hurry up Jodi. I got the Beast
Master 2 video and Wings Hauser is
out of control in it!
Willie get inside. Go.
Willie and Jodi are writing together.
We would spend hours working on
scripts and ideas together.
      (Chewing on a
I'm confusing myself with my own
story. Maybe I dont need to add
time travel to every characters
Probably not. What if they're
robots that started World War 1?
Uh...maybe we shouldnt write when
we're high.


I guess every good hero needs a
villain. And Willie was definitely
my hero. And I guess Dr Eli Zara
fit the other part.
Willie and a group of students have just finished reading
the last of Willie's screenplay. Dr Eli Zara is walking past
the study room and pauses to observe.
                       STUDENT 1
Wow! Willie that was great!
It really was. I didn't see that
twist coming.
Really? You guys really like it?
                       STUDENT 2
Yeah man! Willie, it was crazy!
Thanks. I don't know. I feel like
Dr Zara hates everything I do.
                       STUDENT 1
Of course he does! He's jealous of
all his students!
Dr Zara frowns and continues to listen
I heard that too. Hes pissed he
wasn't a success and takes it out
on everyone else. He really hates
when people do better than him.
Wow. What a loser.
Dr Zara bites his lip and shakes his head
                       STUDENT 2
My sister had him two years ago
and he was a total dick to her.
Told her she would never amount to
Damn. Did she ever do anything?


                       STUDENT 2
Uh yeah..she wrote the sequel to
On Golden Pond.
She wrote Still on Golden Pond?
Willie stands up
To Dr Eli Zara. May he have
continued failure so we have
continued success!
They all laugh as Dr Zara storms away.
Willie was the only one I told
about ...an incident that happened
after class one day.
                       DR ELI ZARA
Jodi. Your work is not bad. Not
bad at all
Thanks! I'm really excited...
                       DR ELI ZARA
It's not great though. It can be
better. Today's audiences are more
sophisticated. They can handle
more than in our parents
generation. Do you know what I
I..think so. You mean deeper plots
and characterization and...
                       DR ELI ZARA
      (inching closer)
No Jodi. No no. I mean. Sex. Sex
is what people want to see. I
mean, lets take us.


                       DR ELI ZARA
Yes. You can't deny the attraction
here. You have amazing...assets.
And I'd like to see more.
Dr Eli puts a hand on her knee and traces his finger down
her neck and grabs one of her boobs. She bolts up and runs
out of the classroom.
I told Willie. He was really
pissed off, but I begged him not
to do anything. I just wanted to
graduate in peace, and not ruin
any type of career I had before it
even starts.
Back in the classroom
I guess maybe I shouldn't have
said anything at all, because what
happened next changed everything.
Dr Eli Zara, is lecturing about good writing.
                       DR ELI ZARA
...and that is the key to a
fleshed out character. Dimensions
dimensions dimensions. And Jodi,
this is why, your script, as it is
now, will never see the light of
What? you can't mean that.
                       DR ELI ZARA
Oh I do. Maybe a nice career as a
housewife is better suited for
you. Or maybe you can write
greeting cards.
Excuse me?
                       DR ELI ZARA
Oh Mr Lasko? Lets talk about your
"work". Your main character has a
catch phrase!


Do you know how long I worked on
                       DR ELI ZARA
I'm going to say not long enough.
And the animosity you have towards
the Karl character? Where does
that come from? And I think you
may have lifted the plot from
another movie.
What? Really? What? No way! No
                       DR ELI ZARA
I think ya did. Also all of your
characters have one emotion. It's
not real.
Not real?
                       DR ELI ZARA
No Willie. People want to be
empathetic towards the people on
screen. If it's not real they wont
care, and yours is not real.
You want real? You want real you
son of a bitch? How's this for
Willie rushes up to the front of the class and rams his head
into Dr Zara's stomach. He flies back against the chalkboard
and falls. Willie grabs a fake Oscar from the teachers desk
and beats him with it.
And the Oscar goes to...you! Best
supporting actor, your skull!
Original song? Your face!
Zara screams in a sing song manner
Well, that's the music. They're
playing me off. I just want to say
how blessed I am to work with such
creative people. I couldn't have


                       WILLIE (cont'd)
done this without you!
Willie was arrested and sentenced
to five years in jail. It would
have been more if he killed Dr
Zara but luckily he just put him
in a coma that left him stuck in
the 80's. Unfortunately in jail,
Willie had a problem with one of
the officers Or rather, they had a
problem with him. A second cousin
of Dr Zara happened to be a CO at
the prison and made sure anything
Willie liked was taken away. Any
special foods, tv shows...you.
Anyway, I remember now. I remember
you Mr Paymer. Or at least, I
remember having to be the one to
tell him that you weren't coming
Willie stands up and shakes his head
What are you saying?
Willie. It's ok. But I wanted to
be the one to tell you. They're
not letting you see David Paymer
any more. You have enemies here.
He won't be able to come back.
No. He said my work was real. He
said...he said he wants to work
with me. He's my best friend!
Willie, I thought I was your best
You never come to see me. You
never believed in my work!


That's not true! I love your work!
And i don't come by because, I'm
working all the time. I'm in
school in the day and at night I'm
going to the police academy.
Willie, I'm sorry. I'll do better!
No! I want David! I want to talk
to David!
He's not coming back!
No! No! Please, I need to see him!
You can take my yard privileges,
take my TV. Take anything but not
Guards drag Willie out of the room and down the hall. Jodi
starts crying.
Not David!!!!!
                       DAVID PAYMER
We need to go. We need to go now.
Slattery is tied to a chair in the middle of the living
room. His hand is bloody and he is disoriented. Willie
wearing a half raised Robert Loggia mask is standing in
front of him. Eating a slice of the pizza Slattery dropped.
                       JOHN SLATTERY
What the...where am I? Where the
hell am I?
Willie startled drops the pizza and lowers his mask.
Oh damn.
                       JOHN SLATTERY
Untie me from this chair right now


Oh ok. Why don't I drive you to
the police station after this too?
I don't know who you are pal but
you're not ruining this for me.
                       JOHN SLATTERY
You don't know who...The
Adjustment Bureau? Mad Men? I'm
Iron Mans father!
Not ringing any bells. I cant
believe I dragged you and a pizza
ten blocks. I'm exhausted and I
have tons of things to do!
Willie takes a kitchen knife off the table.
Kitchen knife. Tied to a chair?
This is not my best work.
                       JOHN SLATTERY
This your apartment? No wonder you
want to escape in a movie.
Shut up!
                       JOHN SLATTERY
Yeah. Lonely little fuck like you,
worshipping others on the big
screen. Whats your story? Failed
actor? Hack comic?
I said shut up tv actor
                       JOHN SLATTERY
AH-ha! You do know who I am!
Slattery sees numerous screenplays and rejection letters
scattered on the ground and tables. Some are framed.
                       JOHN SLATTERY
Oh wait. I get it. You're a
wannabe screenwriter. Yeah,
that's it. What happened? Write a
few too many buddy cop films that
didn't sell?
Willie is getting more and more agitated with each word.


                       JOHN SLATTERY
Disappoint your teachers? Your
parents? Promised them all you'd
be big and famous? Maybe didnt
measure up in the eyes of a
special lady?
You don't know anything! How could
you? You're not David!
                       JOHN SLATTERY
Not David who? David Paymer? Is
that what Not David means? This is
all to impress David..what? Oh my
You don't take Paymers name in
                       JOHN SLATTERY
Chi McBride is gonna have your ass
you freak.
Oh is he? Well, maybe I'll just
deliver it right to him.
                       JOHN SLATTERY
What? You're going to deliver
your ass to Chi McBride? Is that
what you mean?
No. I mean...shut up!
Willie recites acenes from Scarface.
Say hello to my little friend
                       JOHN SLATTERY
Now youre doing bad impressions?
Havent I suffered enough?
Oh no. No no no
Willie storms over to the chair and punches Slattery in the


                       JOHN SLATTERY
You know what, you're right.
I am?
                       JOHN SLATTERY
This is not your best work
Slattery breaks the ropes and stands up hitting Willie under
the chin and forcing him backwards. Slattery runs to the
door and out of the apartment.
                       JOHN SLATTERY
Slattery runs out of the building only to get hit by a cab.
Willie is close behind.
Lieutenant Buchanan and David Paymer drive up and runs out
of his car over to Slattery
                       DAVID PAYMER
John! Oh my God! John! What
                       JOHN SLATTERY
      (In pain)
I was...I was fucking dragged like
a dog! Attacked! Tortured! And
then hit by a...
Bus. He was hit by a cab. Running
                       JOHN SLATTERY
It felt like a bus.
                       DAVID PAYMER
Thats horrible!
Was he here? Was Willie Lasko
                       JOHN SLATTERY
Chi. Chi!


Don't be shy. You can tell us.
                       DAVID PAYMER
I think he's saying Chi. Chi
Oh, the principal from Boston
                       DAVID PAYMER
Um. Yes. Is Chi in trouble?
                       JOHN SLATTERY
Yes. He's gonna kill him!
                       DAVID PAYMER
We need to get to the club!
Please, we have to hurry!
Of course!
Jodi speaks into her radio without pressing the talk button.
All units, all units, report to
the After the Title Club on 237
9th Ave. Be on the lookout for the
character actor killer...repeat
the character actor killer...he is
probably armed and very dangerous.
                       JOHN SLATTERY
James, You owe me pizza and a ride
Willie falls asleep on the N Train. In his dream, he is
boxing a robot. He gets knocked down. As he looks up he sees
a blurry James Paymers face.
                       DAVID PAYMER
      (As Mickey from
I didn't hear no bell, get up you
son of a bitch!


                       DAVID PAYMER
One more round ya pug. You big
Italian poluka. It's just a robot.
You believe in me?
                       DAVID PAYMER
A'course I do kid. I always have.
It's all of them out there that
don't get ya. How funny you
are...how smart.
Thanks David
Willie is now a cameraman filming David Paymer behind a
newsdesk recreating Network.
I'm scared David. I'm going to get
                       DAVID PAYMER
      (As Howard Beale
       from Network)
no you won't. You'll get praised
as the genius you are! We may not
have all the answers Willie. I
don't know why you aren't famous.
I don't know why you don't get the
respect you deserve or why weeds
not legal!.
Hell yeah!
                       DAVID PAYMER
But first you got to get mad
Willie. YOu have to get out of
your chair, throw open the window
and say I'm a movie fan, my life
has value!
David gets up and walks toward the camera.
                       DAVID PAYMER
You have to get out of your chair
and demand a better cast! Throw
open the window and say " I'm
tired of not seeing David Paymer
in every film and I'm not going to
take it anymore!"


They are in the courtroom scene from a Few Good Men. David
Paymer is Col Jessup sitting in the witness stand,
                       DAVID PAYMER
We live in a world with walls
Willie. And some of those walls
have screens on them and show
movies. Who's going to watch all
those movies? You? You lieutenant
Cut to Kevin Pollack shrugging?
                       KEVIN POLLACK
Why am I even in this?
                       DAVID PAYMER
I am responsible for supporting
more than 80 percent of Hollywood
in films, films you love. SO no
Willie. You're not wrong in
wanting more. This is America!
They are at a wedding alter. David is in a tux and Willie is
in a dress.
Too much, wake up! Willie! Wake
Willie wakes up suddenly on the N train. He rises, brushes
himself off and steps out of the train.
Chi McBride is sitting at a table with John C. They are
sharing a bottle of red wine. The club is being renovated
and there are ladders and tools and tarps all around.
                       JOHN C
You're very calm. I am not so
calm. I'm ready...I mean, I'm
really ready to throw down. This
fucking guy. I mean, this fucking
guy. Thinks he can take us down
with his sick fuck fantasies.
Bring it.


All good things come to those who
wait. Don't waste your wine
gulping it down. Savor it. Take
your time.
The door of the club slams open as Willie kicks it in and
stands by the door.
See? All good things
Chi. This ends now.
                       JOHN C
You're damn right you freaky
John C runs toward Willie screaming. Willie throws a hammer
at him. John C catches it in his hand and smiles.
                       JOHN C
A hammer? That all you got you
little ...
He is cut off as a second hammer goes through his eye.
I have two hammers. I'm not dumb,
I'm smart, and I want respect!
Willie slowly starts to walk toward Chi. Chi does not get up
from the table. He looks at his glass of wine as he swirls
it around
You know, movies are a lot like a
fine wine. They can be bold. They
can be structured. It takes a lot
more than just one grape. it takes
a bunch. And all it takes to ruin
the entire bottle, is one bad
Willie screams and rushes to Chi just as Nancy Allen steps
out of the shadows and kicks him in the stomach. Nancy walks
over to the slumping Willie and puts her foot on his chest.
Thank you for your cooperation


That was Peter Weller!
Willie grabs Nancy's foot and flips her off. Nancy falls but
catches herself and gets up right away. Willie slowly rises
as Nancy kicks him in the stomach and he falls again. She
throws a toolbox on top of him and he flails some more. She
grabs him by the back of the shirt and punches him in the
back of the head. Willie goes down.
Well that was a lot easier
You know what.
He's not knocked out is...
Willie grabs Nancy and throws her into a wall. Nancy spins
around and delivers a series of punches to Willies face. He
stumbles and falls. Nancy is on a tarp which Willie yanks
and she falls down. He hops up above her and tries to kick
her but she grabs his foot and flips him. Hopping up, Nancy
slowly walks over to Willie towering over him.
You are a small little man Willie.
You may have a small little Willie
too. Is that it? Does Willie have
a small willie?
Willie looks around and sees a can of red paint on top of a
ladder. He grabs a screwdriver from the ground and tosses it
at the can. It falls spilling paint all over Nancy.
This isn't over, not by a
Nancy runs after him but slips and hits her head on the
ground passing out.

Willie comes at Chi again
Chi. What's it like?


Knowing that the person
responsible for your murder is
standing right in front of you?
You want me dead is that it?
Oh yes. See, with you out of the
way....James wins. Cut the head of
the dragon off to make way for the
wizard. With you finally out of
the picture, James Rebhorn will
reign supreme and star in every
movie ever made from this point
Even the smallest feather in a
thunderstorm can lay waste
to...what the fuck?
Prepare to die evil one
Quit stepping on my lines Willie.
What? You know who I am?
We all know Willie. We all know
about your twisted obsession with
David Paymer.
Twisted? We have a connection!
A connection? Willie, who do you
think just called me and used the
word twisted?
Not David
Yes. Yes David
Willie screams and launches himself at Chi. They get in epic
fight TBD. Candles are knocked over into paint thinner


lighting the bar on fire. Willie has Chi on the ground and
is holding a knife to Chi's head.
I'm sorry Chi. You're part's been
cut. Ha. You're parts been cut!
Get it! That one actually worked!
Willie is shot in the head with a nail and falls back on the
ground. Jodi is holding a gun but she did not fire. She
looks confused. David Paymer is behind her almost in tears.
      (under her breath))
Nancy Allen covered in red paint holds a nail gun. She is
Nailed it
Chi looks at her as if the joke physically hurt him. Nancy
Allen shrugs.
Cops are in the bar going over the crime scene. Cameras are
flashing, police tape is being tied up. Jodi is outside the
bar over the gurney where Willies body is resting.
                       COP ONE
Wow. What a freak
No. He wasn't a freak. He
just...was misunderstood.
                       COP ONE
Charlie Brown is misunderstood.
This guys a freak.
Jodi sighs and covers his face with the blanket. She takes
Willies backpack.
                       DAVID PAYMER
Rebhorn walks over to Jodi.


                       DAVID PAYMER
I just...wanted to thank you. And
say I never wanted him to
die..just...I had no idea...all my
friends are dead because...why?
Someone was...obsessed with my
work? Does that even make sense?
David. It's not your fault. You
can't think any of this is because
of you.
                       DAVID PAYMER
I just. Wow. I mean, it's great to
be recognized but
this...Ok...thanks for everything,
and ya know, I mean, this may be a
bad time to ask but we may need a
consultant on Undercover MTA. Just
throwing that out there.
You have my email address. That
would be amazing. Good luck David
                       COP 2
Lou,when you get a minute.
Give me a second to check this
message and Ill be right over.
Jodi starts to walk to her car, opens the door and throws
Willies bag in the passenger seat. She notices a message on
her phone and clicks to view it. It is a video message from
      (on video)
Well. If you're watching this, I
must be dead. Unless I'm...right
behind you! Just kidding. I'm
dead. I hope it wasn't you who did
it, but if it was, it's ok.
As she's listing to this she reaches over and unzips the
      (on video)
I had a good run. I hope I made a
difference in this crazy world.
And also in the life of David


                       WILLIE (cont'd)
Paymer. Take care of him. And
also, we have a few more people to
take care of.
Jodi reaches in the bag, pulls out the Loggia mask and a
headshot of Robert Hays with a big red X over his face.
      (on video)
I know you'll do the right thing.
You know what they say never work
with animals or kids.
Jodi looks at the phone confused.
I don't know what I meant
either...Beware. B-list!
Jodi looks around to see if shes being watched. She smiles,
puts the Loggia mask on and as she presses her foot on the
gas we see the Spiderman sock that killed Shifty the
bartender. She drives away as the credits roll.


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