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Juice! - Episode 1_Pilot
by Brian Lundson (Apgreen89@gmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review:

This comedy centres on a group of brainwashed sales reps as they beg, borrow and steal to make ends meet and climb to the top spot in a corrupt, right wing multi-level marketing company. N.B This is a first draft and although I like it as an hour long show any advice on what I could do to condense it to a half-hour sitcom would be appreciated. Also if you're easily offended I apologize in advance but I'm merely trying to be true to my experiences and you have been warned.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


ALEX, mid 20s - lego haircut, understated suit with boring
monochrome tie and DOM, 18 - unshaven, rough round the edges
but wearing the shiniest Italian suit that misspent rent
money can buy - sit in the pub each drinking a coffee.
That's the third in like a month.
How do you just lose phones? It's
hard to lose that many phones.
It's almost impressive.
Left it in the taxi, I think.
Alex, frustrated, takes a breath to compose himself.
Right just phone the taxi place
and get it back.
Nah, that's probably not a great
                                         CUT TO:
Dom sits in the back of the taxi as it drives down a
secluded country road.

The DRIVER is an Indian man in his mid 40s wearing a
salmon-pink turban. He is showing Dom a PICTURE of his new
born baby.
Dom feigns interest.
Aww, she's beautiful, mate.
Wonderful. Oh just anywhere here
will do.


The Driver pulls over and checks the meter.
                       TAXI DRIVER
Okay, that will be seven fifty.
The Driver turns round to see the backseat is empty. POV
SHOT of Dom running away into a dark field.
                       TAXI DRIVER
Dom is running across the fields trying desperately to drag
his body away from the taxi as fast as he can. He is clearly
out of breath.

He looks back. It seems to be clear so he stops for a rest.

He hunches forward to rest is hands on his knees and starts
coughing and chundering on the floor.
                       TAXI DRIVER (O.S)
You bastard!
Dom is startled and runs again until he trips and falls on
his face.
                                         CUT BACK TO:
Back on Dom and Alex.
I may have jumped the taxi.
So the reason you didn't text me
your goals last night is because
you were out committing petty
Well yeah, but I still paid him in
a sense.


With a Motorola Razr, I'm sure
he's cashing in on that bad boy as
we speak. I wonder what he's gonna
spend his four pounds on.
I'm gutted. I'd just perfected
flipping it open with one hand.
Dom mimics the technique with his empty hand, then wistfully
shakes his head.
That is very satisfying, but it's
2012. You're supposed to be a
business owner in training and my
Nan has a better phone.
Alex takes out his PHONE and shows Dom the SCREEN.
And she DID text me last night.
Dom looks at the screen confused.
It doesn't say anything.
She sends them by mistake. They're
all blank. Except one which was a
long rant about how ethnic
minorities have now, quote,
infiltrated her favourite TV
Alex tries to close down the page on his phone but it's not
working. He shakes it and pushes harder on the touch screen.
You were saying I had a shit
There's nothing wrong with the
phone I'm just getting used to it.
No I don't want to go to the app
store! God I hate technology.
Is that because you're an 85 year
old man in a 24 year old's body?


I buy a phone for business
purposes. Texts, calls, emails and
to avoid being spoken to by
strangers on the bus. Not to take
pictures of every single meal I
ever eat or do selfies. I might
not be the most technologically
advanced person but when it comes
to things that matter I am a
complete wizard.
                                         CUT TO:
Alex sits on the side of the bed. He is wearing his full
suit but is barefoot, holding a scrunched up sock.

He starts beating the sock on his knee to get it the right
way out.

When that fails he starts shaking it in the air furiously.
Come on! Come on!
The sock pops back into shape and he marvels upon his
      (with fist pump)
Yes! Fuck you sock!
He looks around the bed.
Right, where's the other one?!
                                         CUT BACK TO:
Alright, what's up your arse,


Well, Lawrence taking my whole
crew on the worst road trip of all
time and me now being set back on
my training program by about 4
months is one thing.
Why, what else is up?
Also my toilet cistern is
overflowing as of friday night so
I had to shut off the valve to the
whole system so my bathroom
doesn't flood, so until I can
afford a plumber to come out I
have no toilet.
So... How-? What-?
I haven't defecated in 3 days.
I've been holding it in so long
it's now set - like concrete. So
in answer to your question, Dom -
poo is literally what's up my
Accumulated... fecal... matter.
Anyway, we need to rebuild this
crew, so goals for this week. What
do you need to improve on?
There is a long silence as Dom wracks his brain.
Can't really think of anything, to
be honest.
So you're all there, you're the
full package at 18 years old and
having been in the business for 4


Yeah mate, I'm telling you. All I
need is a bit of humility and I'd
be perfect.
Okay I'm just gonna decide what
you need to work on, we need to be
in the office in like ten minutes.
Well you are supposed to be
teaching me to be fair.
You need to analyse yourself and
look at what changes you think you
need to make to get better,
otherwise it's not gonna work.
Dom just shrugs.
Awesome. Another 30 seconds of the
meeting wasted so I'm just gonna
put retraining for you to work on.
Actually, you can teach Lewis in
atmosphere this morning and I will
watch what you're doing. We can't
afford any fuck ups after last
It wasn't that bad.
They all quit. Everyone of them.
Alright it was an abortion.
Don't use that expression.
Why not?
Because it's incredibly offensive.
Albeit accurate.


I think my retraining is pretty
sick, to be fair.
Yes it is sick, but not the good
kind of sick that you're implying.
More the projectile vomitty kind
of sick that gets allover your
hair and shoes and inexplicably
contains carrots.
Dom GAGS. Alex leans away, disgusted and confused.
Dom breaks out into a violent coughing fit with the
occasional dry-heave. He keeps going and going, coughing his
guts up.
Alex leans back even more. Slightly concerned but a little
The fit starts to come to an end.
      (pen to pad)
You good, you finished? Right,
okay so-
Nope. Dom starts to cough even louder and longer. Nearly
collapsing out of his chair.
Jesus Christ, man. What do you do
at night?
Dom finally stifles the coughing.
Well that was encouraging.
                                         CUT TO:
Dom and Alex are EXITING the pub onto the sreet.
Well I wouldn't get too worried,
that was only like a minute and a
half coughing fit. I tend to get
worried when they get to like two
minutes minimum.


Do I have to train Lewis? He's a
moron. My retraining's fine.
I'm sorry, what happened to your
last retrain?
Alright they quit.
Ooh why's that, Dom?
Because I took him to the pub.
Correct, all day, you came back to
the office with bits of kebab on
your suit. So, we will be working
on retraining and not taking
people to the pub.
ZOOM OUT to show the PUB LOGO above their heads. Dom strains
again looking ill.
Or you could just go home. You are
in a state.
I can't. If I have one more sick
day Lawrence won't give me any obs
for 2 weeks.
He won't do that. He's a lot more
understanding than he used to be.
                                         CUT TO:
The eccentric manager, LAWRENCE HUGO JR - expensive
pinstripe suit and garish paisley tie stands staring out the
window of his office on the PHONE. He starts to pace up and
down, throwing a little stress ball in the air as he goes.
Look Dave, we're teaching people
how to run a business here, you
are your business and this is the


                       LAWRENCE (cont'd)
fourth day in a row you've been
off sick. Now my business will be
fine, I've had it longer so mine's
an actual company I have grown it,
I've got more people. Yours is
just you but you have to think of
that as your business, you are
your business. And right now your
business is just sat at home in
it's pyjamas, probably watching
DVD special features all day,
making no money. You're business
isn't even open. If that was your
actual company and you didn't open
for four days what do you think
would happen?
                       DAVE (V.O)
It would go out of business.
Well..no. It probably wouldn't go
out of business in four days. But
it would be a shit four days, and
you would make no money and be
negged out. I mean what illness do
you even have?
                       DAVE (O.S)
I was in a car crash. I have two
broken legs.
Well, you're still a fucking
pussy, get into work.
Lawrence hangs up and sits back at his desk on the laptop.
His POV of WORLD OF TANKS. His tank rides around frantically
trying to kill bad guys but fails miserably.
He becomes more determined. He starts hitting a button so
hard he nearly breaks his finger.
ENTER Dom and Alex.
Oh, God not more of you. Can't you
just go home for a day.


      (turning back out)
Yeah alright.
Actually, no. Don't go home or we
won't make any money. We've
already lost Dave to a (quotation
car crash, granted he didn't do
any sales but he did provide
Alex and Dom sit down the other side of the desk.
Lewis isn't out there is he?
Yeah he's talking to Ana in the
Oh fuck. He wanted a sit down with
me I was hoping he wouldn't show
up so I had something to bollock
him about.
Because he's a mong and I'm trying
to make him quit. I'll just leave
him out there, make him feel
What do you mean you're making him
quit? Could you stop making people
on my crew quit?
Oh yeah forgot about that, sorry.
To be fair I thought I ran that
road trip really well.
You took them on a canal boat ten
miles from territory and got drunk
and stoned every night.


This is true.
It was like Easy Rider but with an
even more depressing ending.
Look, the very fact that they quit
means they weren't worth having.
You'll rebuild your crew easily.
You know how to now you just have
to do it again. Just be positive,
don't neg out the whole office
with it.
I'm not negged out, I'm fine.
You don't look fine. You look
I'm not that's just my default
Well, reset it. Smile. It's a
beautiful day. The sun is shining
The birds are swaying and the
trees are singing. And I get to
throw this ball at Dom for not
sending me his goals again.
He throws the ball as hard as he can and it hits Dom right
on the head. He barely reacts.
He left his phone in a taxi.
Yeah, which I also jumped.
You're a genius. You should just
quit. Are you gonna quit?
No. Stop doing that.
Err.. no.


Good, get to fucking management
then. Just means more energy to
get Lewis to quit.
Well I'm sure you'll find a way.
Have you cracked out the dead baby
jokes to him?
Yes, and offensive office
pictionary. That is the thing
about stupid people, they're too
stupid to know when to quit.
Alex stares into space not believing his ears.
Just give him some shit territory
to work in town.
Alex cringes. Lawrence looks at Dom menacingly.
      (to Dom)
Can I have my stress ball back
Dom hands Lawrence the stress ball only for Lawrence to lash
it back at him even harder than the first time. He then
moves in close to Dom.
Stop saying dumb things.
We have got to redo the territory
now that we've lost our driver.
We'll have to work somewhere in
town or somewhere trainable.
That's alright it can't be that
hard to find a few doors that we
haven't knocked on yet.
Can I go to a council estate


Get out.
                                         CUT TO:
A plain open-plan room, no chairs, with plenty of
whiteboards and notice boards on the walls.

A group of young, smartly dressed SALES REPS face off in
pairs having conversations all drowned out by loud music
that should only be played in a night club.
Lewis and Dom are gearing up for pitch practice.
Alright, pitch me.
Lewis winds up a fake half-smile and opens his mouth to
speak but Dom coughs violently again right into Lewis's face
causing him to immediately recoil. Dom recovers.
Sorry, go on.
Alex ENTERS and pulls Dom away for a private word.
Right, you need to smash it today
and make sure Lewis has a good day
as well. Make sure he hits his
goals and builds his confidence,
you're usually not terrible at
that. Don't talk about dumb shit
like territory or how hammered you
clearly got last night. Don't take
him to the pub.
What you doing? You got an
No, I'm gonna focus on the field.
My Close 2 has just gone terrible.
Is that the pitch on the door or
when you're in the house?


What? When you're in the house!
The one that comes second.
Awwwww mate, I'm a close 2 master.
I've moved on to trying to master
close 3.
That's not a real thing.
Yeah it's when you shag a milf
after you've signed her up.
That's the most disgusting thing
I've ever heard.
How...how do you..no just stick
with Close 2. I don't know what it
is I just feel less comfortable in
customers houses these days.
Awwm just do what I do, you've
seen my Close 2, I do everything
to make myself feel comfortable in
their house. Just take the piss
out of them, I try and get a drink
out of them, preferably coffee or
beer is even better, I ask them
for food and if they offer food I
always take it and ask for more.
Play with their kids. Taking
stupid selfies in their house
without them knowing I find really
relaxing. Oh, I'll tell you the
best way, mate. Take a massive
You actually shit in customers
houses, strangers' houses? You
heard what happened to Miles in
the Edinburgh office. He took a
dump so big it blocked a
customer's toilet, flooded the
bathroom and the client had to
reimburse them to practically
re-plumb the whole house.
There's no way I could take a shit


                       ALEX (cont'd)
in a strangers house.
Aww, mate it's the best feeling in
the world. It's empowering.
Especially when I don't flush it.
Alex winces and scoffs.
Anyway you're main focus is Lewis.
Remember retrains need to be shown
Fun, Progression and Money. Can
you do that?
Yeah. Fun, I always have fun.
Progression - I'll make him smash
his goals and money, well -
Can I borrow a tenner.
Alex just walks off.
                                         CUT TO:

Lawrence sits at his desk playing World of Tanks. His phone
rings and he sees a call from Alex coming through. He
fumbles around his desk and frantically opens draws but
can't find whatever he is looking for.
      (to lobby)
ANA, his admin ENTERS near enough straight away.
Can I have a bit of paper to chew
on please.


Because I said so. This is an
office and there's no paper, it's
You ate it all.
That's what I buy it for.
Plain or ruled?
What? It doesn't matter. Any.
The phone still rings. Ana grabs a piece of paper off a
shelf and puts it on his desk. Lawrence rips a piece off and
puts it in his mouth. He now answers the phone.
                       ALEX (O.S)
      (taken aback)
That's not very nice.
                                         CUT TO:
Alex, Dom and Lewis are getting off a TRAIN with a
begrudging look on their faces. Alex steps away from the
others for some privacy on the phone.

INTERCUT BETWEEN Alex and Lawrence.
Not you. Are you doing an
Yes. How did you know?


I can hear you chewing paper. You
always chew bits of paper while
your interviewing, which is
unprofessional and creepy.
Hey, it's a digital age, I'm
keeping Lyreco in business.
Lawrence gives a thumbs up and a wink to Ana. She knows her
services are no longer needed and leaves.
What's up?
The ticket whore kicked us off the
train on the way to territory.
Now, Alex, I'm sure she's not a
whore. And you're doing it again.
What you on about?
You're problem reporting. Don't be
a problem reporter be a problem
That's what I'm trying to do
that's why I'm ringing you.
Problem reporting equals ten
push-ups. And you're being
negative I can hear it in your
Fine I'll do them when we get back
to the office.
Nope. You've got to do them now
right where you are.
No, I'm on a fucking train
platform, I'm not gonna do ten
push ups here, and especially not


                       ALEX (cont'd)
for 'problem reporting', surely
I've got to report the problem. If
noone knows the problem exists
how the fuck is it supposed to be
Well if you want my help.
Fine I'll do the fu-. Hang on.
We stay on Alex as he drops to the floor in the middle of
the platform and sets his phone down between his hands.
Then, fully suited, black overcoat and all he bangs out ten
push ups.

He tries to hide the exhaustion and the humiliation in his
redenning face as he sees multiple passersby double take and
look at him like he's mad.

Dom and Lewis give him the same look as they walk back over.
                       LAWRENCE (V.O)
Is Dom there?! Dom?!
Dom picks up the phone.
      (stifling laughter)
Yeah mate, he's actually doing
them. It's making an impression on
the locals.
Ha Ha Ha. I can't believe he's
actually doing them. That is
Alex stands up breathing heavily and in pain. He takes the
phone from Dom.
You're a cock.
      (still giggling)
I know.


I need some territory in Warren
Ooh sounds like a magical place.
Why did you get kicked off?
Lawrence searches for new territory on his laptop.
Because Dom's not got a ticket.
Brilliant! Makes sure he keeps
fucking up so Lewis thinks he's an
idiot and quits.
No, we need to have a good day. I
can't afford people to quit.
Well, why don't you train him
Because he's boring and stupid and
I need like an eight day today.
No that's good, quarantine the
retards together, they'll get on
Okay well there's loads of houses
in Warren Bank if you just turn
right out of the station and then
you can just split up in different
directions. If you keep going down
the main road there's a great
little crescent. And we all know
what Crescent means! Council
      (rolling eyes)
Territory doesn't matter though,


Well of course it doesn't. Aww,
but I can see playmobils and old
toys in a garden on street view.
You should definitely do at least
eight there.
Ok, I'm going now.
Oh wait, Alex.
Are you gonna have a good day
Yes. Just need to work on my close
two but Dom's given me some good
tips on what to do inside the
house, so I'm gonna smash it.
Good, whatever you have to do. If
you could just stop being a pussy
and do some sales that would be
awesome or I'm gonna have to steal
you a big bra from Ana's wardrobe.
Awesome. Bye.
Okay, Love you, Bye!
Both hang up. Alex shakes his head. Then with his game face
back on turns back to Dom and Lewis.
Right let's go find some houses.
Alex, Dom and Lewis walking down the main road. They come to
a halt. Alex looks at his phone and points the other two
where they need to go.


Right. That's you guys just up
there. I'm back this way. Have
fun, speak to a hundred people.
Remember pitch, pace, attitude.
I'm gonna go try and have a shit
in a randomer's house.
There's still some of your
expressions here that you realy
need me to teach.
Yeah... expressions.
                                         JUMP CUT TO:
Dom strolls leisurely round his territory with Lewis in tow.
He comes to a crossroads joining three estates which he
looks out on.
Where are we going?
Just finding a place to start.
Dom's POV. An estate just over the main road full of huge
houses, range rovers and long gravel driveways.

MOVE TO REVEAL second estate with semi-detached, pretty
standard looking suburban middle-class houses.

MOVE TO third estate. Old, run-down Victorian houses -
mostly terraced houses. All grass overgrown, an England flag
in almost every yard, discarded bikes and toys in the
Err.. might as well start here.
Just... you know... good as any


Isn't that Alex's territory?
Nah, don't think so.
Really? I'm sure he went that way
Nah, he's definitely round the
back. Trust me.
Alex straightens up on the doorstep waiting for the front
door to open. A grumpy looking middle-aged MAN comes out.
Hi there, don't worry I'm not a
mormon or anything I promise.
We see the Man reacting in no way at all. Awkward silence.
Alex clears his throat.
I'm just in the area checking you
and your neighbours got your
information through about upgrades
to the broadband in the area.
No. What's that?
Well, basically you can get your
your broadband free in this area
now and twice as fast as well.
Yeah, not interested, mate.
I agree, it's not the most
exciting thing in the world but if
you're paying for broadband you
don't have to anymore.
Right, well I'm tied into a
contract anyway, mate.


No worries. I'll leave you to it
then. Nice meeting you anyway.
Alex holds out his hand.
My name's Alex.
The Man shakes his hand and Alex takes a firm unrelenting
What was your name?
The Man hesitates. Alex won't let go of the hand though and
just stares the man with a cheesy grin.
      (letting go of
Good to meet you Gordon. Enjoy the
rest of your day. Cheerio.
The Man goes back inside. As soon as the door closes Alex
stops smiling.
(writing down)
FOCUS ON Dom walking past houses surveying the territory and
looking dead ahead.
      (to Lewis off
Right mate, so I'll pitch the
first few just to get us in the
swing of things and then you can
pitch a few. I want you to try and
get in a house and speak to about
25-30 peop-
Dom looks round to see Lewis is actually a good distance
behind him.


He goes back to find him just staring down at his pen and
Come on mate show some urgency.
This is prime time right before
the school run.
I thought six to eight was the
money lap when everyone's home
from work.
Yeah that's for sales. But this is
lonely housewife and single mum
Sorry I was trying to write down
what you were saying but I got
distracted by the ridges on my pen
grip. It feels really good running
my finger down it.
Right. Well, that's creepy, mate
I'm not gonna lie.
Dom grabs the pen off him and starts running his finger on
the grip.
Oh, yeah that is pretty
satisfying, I'll give you that.
(gives pen back)
But come on we've gotta go.
The two start walking but Dom stops after a couple of steps
abruptly, holding his stomach.
Oh hang on.
He takes a composing breath of fresh air while Lewis looks
at him confused.
Sorry, mate. I thought I was gonna
chunder again for a second there.
You ever get that where it comes
up just as far as your throat and
then your jaw gets that tingly


                       DOM (cont'd)
stiff feeling and kind of just
like locks into place and then you
can just taste it but-
RETCH. Dom spasms forward holding a fist to his mouth. Lewis
backs away.
Hmmm, I really thought I was going
to then.
Are you alright?
Yeah, mate. Awesome.
Lewis plays with his pen again.
We see Alex in the middle of a pitch with a skeptical
looking 60 something WOMAN.
So my neighbours aren't paying for
internet? They're getting it free?
Yeah, most of them.
Well, whose on it round here then?
Alex hesitates and sneaks a peak at his tracker page in his
Well, err... Gordon just over the
road there.
He's on it. He was loving it. Good
guy. Not a great sense of humour.
Really? Gordon's doing it?
Err.. yep. You know him, do you?


Oh yes, known him for years. Me
and Gordon were one of the first
people on the estate.
Alex bites his bottom lip and freezes.
Yeah? Awww, that's awesome,
What a small world this old
homogenous council estate is.
He shakes his head disappointed with himself.
Let's go over, have a chat with
him, see if he'll recommend it.
The Woman steps out onto the driveway but Alex quickly
sidesteps to block her off.
Oh no, you won't catch him now, he
said he was just going out for a
couple of hours when I spoke to
But his car's in the drive.
Eh? Well, yeah but he said he was
ill. Probably best not disturb.
But you just said he went out.
I did say that didn't I. He went
for a walk to walk off his illness
and get some fresh air. Which
explains perfectly why his car is
still in the driveway.
Oh I hope he's alright. I better
check on him later. And I'll speak
to him about your offer and then
you can come back.


Sounds awesome. What's your number
here, 56?
He writes it down. The Woman goes back inside.
Take care see you later.
Alex continues down the street and he scribbles out the
number 56 so angrily he pokes his pen through the paper. He
looks at the pen and paper, angry with the apparatus.
Dom and Lewis stand at the end of a driveway. Dom is still
trying to calm his acid reflux.
Why don't you just go home if
you're so ill.
Step Four of the Eight Steps: Work
a full day. You think Richard
Branson had days off sick?
Lewis's phone rings. He takes it out and answers.
                                         CUT TO:
INTERCUT BETWEEN Alex and Dom and Lewis as they talk on the
Alright, Lewis can you put Dom on?
      (handing phone to
It's Alex for you.
Go on, you can pitch this one.
(in phone)


How's it going?
Alright, feel like shit to be
Same here. I've never needed a
shit so bad in my life. My
arsehole probably looks like Mick
Jagger smoking a cigar.
Dom can't help but gag.
Cheers for that, mate. I'm telling
you, just go in a customer's
I don't think I can, not with this
much backlog.
He he, "Backlog".
Seriously mate, there aren't
enough yankee candles in the
Trust me mate, you'll come out of
that bathroom feeling like you own
the place, you'll be relaxed and
in control. Tenner says they'll
still sign up. You should take a
selfie why you do it as well!
Double whammy, mate. Selfie while
shitting. The sel-fecal!
The "backlog" one was better. You
already owe me a tenner anyway.
Plus I've got to get INTO a house
Alex checks his tracker and notices the gaping pen-hole
again. He suddenly looks up and smiles.


Got an idea. I'll tell you later.
How's Lewis doing?
Yeah, pitched a few people.
He needs to get in a house. Build,
build, build.
Alex hangs up and urgently pushes on.
Lewis returns to Dom with his head down.
How'd it go?
They told me to piss off and get a
real job.
Alex is about to bring home his pitch to a single Dad in his
mid 30s, JOHN.
So are you still paying for your
      (fake disbelief)
Really? You don't have to anymore
your area's been upgraded. I'll
tell you what grab me a bit of
paper I'll show you how it works.


John turns back into the house. Alex waits for a couple of
John returns with a single sheet of PRINTER PAPER and hands
it to Alex. He folds the piece of paper in half and gets his
pen ready.
So you're with OneNet, yeah?
John nods. As Alex tries to write he accidentally on purpose
pokes his pen through the paper, looking as awkward as
Oh God, what am I do..? Sorry.
He tries again. He stabs the point through a couple more
times, even more aggressively.
Awww, Awww for God's sake. Awww,
you haven't got somewhere I can
lean have you, like a table?
He stands there looking helpless and clumsy with the paper
nearly destroyed.
Yeah sure, come in.
Oh good, shall I take my shoes
No, that's okay.
Alex starts to make his way in.
      (to self)
CLOSE UP on Lawrence still fully suited, seemingly in his
office doing work. He answers the ringing phone in his
jacket pocket.


Lawrence, it's me.
Yes! What do you want?
I need help with Lewis. He's
thinking of quitting.
Oh that's fantastic news, Dom. I
knew you could do it. Well done.
Alex really doesn't want him to
quit though.
Oh for God's sake I don't have
time for this. I'm extremely busy.
He raises a pipe to his mouth to take a puff. ZOOM OUT
slowly to show he is slouched across an armchair in his
flat, watching TV.
Look, if he's going to quit he
might as well do it now and stop
negging us all out unnecessarily.
Okay just go back and just
empathize with him. Use your
"feel, felt and found". Say;
'Look, I know how you feel, I was
terrible at sales when I first
started, it took me like 4 weeks
to get my first sale', some
bullshit like that; 'I was
thinking of quitting for a while
too but I knew that the
alternative option compared to
going in the field and knocking on
doors was much worse'.
And then just be indifferent, say;
'It's tough, it's hard, it's not
supposed to be easy. If getting to
management was easy we'd all be on


                       LAWRENCE (cont'd)
a hundred grand a year. It's hard
fucking work but it's worth it.'
So just say; 'Look if you don't
want hard work and to progress to
that position then yeah it's not
for you and you should quit and
choose the alternative and become
unemployed, not earn any money and
sit at home all day watching
Jeremy Kyle, eating nothing but
pieces of bread dipped in anything
you can find that's runnier than
bread. It's your choice'. Cool?
Err... yeah, I'll just say that,
Okay, it has to be word for word.
What did I say? Read it back to
You're a genius. Just say whatever
you want I don't care. Be good.
They both hang up.
Dom and Lewis back at the end of the driveway.
Right mate, I'm gonna make a bet
with you. You want to quit because
you don't think you're cut out for
it and that's fine. I've felt that
way too, we all have. So if we
don't get you into a house in the
next ten pitches then you quit. If
we do then you agree to stick it
out. Juice?


Dom pats Lewis on the shoulder and leads him on.
Sweet. Let's smash it.
                                         CUT TO:
Alex sits on a red leather sofa in a messy living room. A
pile of laundry next to him. Used nappies on the armchair.

A BABY BOY sits in a PLAYRING surrounded by a a sea of toys
on the floor. Another boy, OLIVER, 4 runs around loudly
playing with action figures.

Alex strains in constipation. He looks at the Baby Boy.
Enjoy nappies while they last,
                       JOHN (O.S)
Here you go mate.
John ENTERS and places a thick, sloshy cup of coffee on the
TABLE in front of Alex. He SEES it spill out of the dirty
mug on impact.
Biscuits? Yes, they will go down
very well.
JOHN EXITS. Alex is struggling, clenching up worse this
time. Sweat beads run down his forehead. JOHN ENTERS and
lays a plate of chocolate biscuits down next to the coffee.
Thank you.


He picks up a biscuit and takes a tiny, cautious bite. John
looks at him suspiciously. The Baby Boy can't take his eyes
off Alex, its almost creepy.
CUSTOMERS POV of Lewis and Dom pitching.
We've actually made your broadband
a free service-
KAAHHKK! Dom suddenly lets out a phlemy cough. Awkward beat.
                                         JUMP CUT TO:
Err..in your area. Are you still-
KAAHHKK. Dom gags again. Another awkward beat.
                                         JUMP CUT TO:
...paying for it?
KAHHKK. Dom coughs right on Lewis's suit. He wipes it with
his sleeve.
                                         JUMP CUT TO:


We've actually made it a free
service and a lot faster here so I
Dom gags and burps. Lewis just looks at at the customer in
silence. Another awkward beat.
It's alright I just threw up in my
mouth a bit.
How many's that?
      (looking at
Right, we won't count that last
one. It may have been my fault he
was put off.
They EXIT down the street.
                                         CUT TO:
Dom and Lewis stand at the next house. Dom coughs and
splurts as he talks.
Do everything you can to get in
but just relax, smile and believe
you're gonna get in. I'll be over
there round the corner. If you get
in, give us a shout.
Dom hides round the corner, peeping round from the driveway.
Lewis knocks and waits nervously.


John and Alex sit hunched over a scrap of paper on the
coffee table. Oliver is in John's ear still playing with
toys. Alex is even more uncomfortable, sweating.
      (ignoring him)
That's like half the price I'm
paying at the moment.
What, Oliver?
Can we play Wii?
Yes. Just keep it down.
Oliver darts for the Wii in excitement and turns it on.
      (to John)
Yeah, so I've just got to check
your line to see if you can get it
      (in Alex's
       personal space)
Will you play with me?
Oh, I really can't, I'm no good
with those things.
Please! Please! Just one game.
Oliver, I don't think the man
wants to play.
Please! Please! Please!


Yes. I'll play. I can't think of a
good reason not to.
(to John)
I'll just go and do this line
check first. Be back in a sec.
He gets up taking the piece of paper and EXITS.
Alex ENTERS, phone to ear, paper in hand. He waits a couple
of beats. It keeps ringing.
                                         CUT TO:
Dom listens closely in the driveway.

Then horror on his face as we hear a muted, distorted
version of 'NIGGAS IN PARIS' by Kanye and Jay-Z.
No fucking way.
He looks up to see it's coming from the TAXI in the

CLOSE UP ON SIDE OF CAR reads: 'Arrow Taxis, 01353 641641,
Private Hire Only'
You're fucking joking.
                                         CUT TO:
Alex still on the phone growing impatient.
Dom, why aren't you-?
His eyes roll. He hangs up then wacks himself on the


He hears his bowel RUMBLING loudly and winces in pain. He
returns to the living room.
Dom pokes his head round the wall waving at Lewis but it
goes unnoticed.
The oblivious Lewis watches the door open and an Indian man
ENTERS, mid 40s, wearing a salmon pink turban and a wide
smile - the TAXI DRIVER.
                       TAXI DRIVER
Hello there, my man.
Hi there, don't worry. I'm not a
johova's witness.
                       TAXI DRIVER
Ha ha, I am.
                       TAXI DRIVER
Ha ha, just joking. Your face.
Lewis laughs with a nervous politeness.
Dom looks on anxiously.
Why are you laughing? Don't get
inside. Just tell him you're not
interested. Come on.
Dom's POV as Lewis keeps talking. He can't see the Taxi
Driver but Lewis is smiling and chuckling and looking more


Shit it's actually going well.
Damn you Asians and your love of
saving money.
Back to Lewis.
                       TAXI DRIVER
Come on in, my friend.
Okay, I'll just grab my team
Dom ENTERS with a swagger and a grin. He holds out his hand
to the Driver.
Alright mate, how ya doing?
The Taxi Driver hesitates and looks at him suspiciously.
Dom's grin is replaced with a look of trepidation.
After a beat the Driver smiles and shakes his hand.
                       TAXI DRIVER
How are you, young man? Come on
He starts to guide them in.
Awesome. This is Lewis and my
Alex lands back down on the sofa holding the Wii remote. He
is clearly as he puts down the nunchuck.
I think you've made a new friend.
You're a good salesman, mate. I'll
give you that. We get loads of 'em
round here. Usually cheeky
bastards just trying to get money
out of you.


Ahh, well what can I say, I'm a
people person.
                                         CUT TO:
Lewis and Dom sit together on one sofa with the Taxi Driver
on the other sofa opposite.
Can I have a drink?
The Taxi Driver looks gravely at Dom. But he regains his
politeness fairly quickly.
                       TAXI DRIVER
Sure, my friend. What would you
Ahh you know, beer. Scotch. Vodka.
The Driver again looks at him stone-faced.
Ahh only messing mate. Whatever
you've got is fine.
                       TAXI DRIVER
Ha ha. You want to watch it, young
Dom laughs nervously until the Taxi Driver leaves and he
stops abruptly.
      (to lewis)
Mate, let's go.
What? Why?
He's- I'll tell you later but we
need to go, just do the line check
and tell him he can't get it.


What? But-
The Taxi Driver ENTERS with a glass of juice that he hands
to Dom, then takes his seat again.
Aww, nice one mate.
So where are the kids?
                       TAXI DRIVER
Err...they're at school.
How did you know I have children?
COUGH! COUGH! KAAHHKK! Dom takes a big gulp of the juice to
slush down...well...whatever it is that's coming up.
Err.. the photographs.
Al three of them look round the room. There are no
photographs. The Driver looks dubious.
In the hallway?
The Driver nods seemingly satisfied with this answer. Dom
breaks eye contact and exhales with relief.
So my colleague, Lewis here-
Will go through all the
With you. Just go easy on him he's


He downs the rest of the juice. Breathing heavily now and
John and Alex still on the couch.
You'r an ideal customer, mate, to
be fair. Coffee, biscuit. Couldn't
ask for more, really. Where's the
missus, anyway?
Oh she's gone, it's just me.
Really? You're raising these two
all on your own. See that's
impressive. For me it was the
other way round, my dad was never
around. And you seem to be doing a
good job of it too. They seem
happy and y'know you just get on
with it. You could like one of
those young parents these days who
see kids as a source of income and
just want to spend all their time
on facebook posting pic-.
John takes out his phone and takes a picture of the Baby Boy
in his play ring. He then grins like a child as he fiddles
with his phone afterwards.
Did you just upload that to
No, Instagram.
Alex's nostrils flare at the sound of this word. He shoots
up out of his seat.
Right. Can I use your bathroom,
Alex stands triumphant and proud.


Yeah, course. It's that door just
over there, before the kitchen.
Alex sees John point to a door just about ten feet away. He
stands rigid, hesitant and anxious.
Downstairs bathroom. Awesome.
                                         JUMP CUT TO:
Lewis is now sitting next to the Taxi Driver, writing on a
notepad as he speaks. The Taxi Driver now looks a bit bored.
So, yeah compared to your current
provider you're gonna be saving
ten pounds a month so it's like
three hundred pounds a year.
                       TAXI DRIVER
A hundred and twenty.
Right yeah. Uh?
Dom can see the Taxi Driver is losing interest.
So what you been up to today then
                       TAXI DRIVER
Oh, not much really, I don't start
work 'til eight o'clock.
Oh yeah, I forgot, you're on
nights this week.
                       TAXI DRIVER
How do you know this?
Err...you said, earlier didn't
                       TAXI DRIVER
No, I don't think so.


KAAHHK! COUGH! RETCH! Dom nearly falls forward out of his
Lucky guess, I suppose.
                       TAXI DRIVER
You okay, my son?
Aww yeah mate, I'm awesome.
Could I get another drink?
The Taxi Driver gets up looking worried. Dom's break out
into another uncontrollable fit of coughing and dry heaving.
                       TAXI DRIVER
You should go home, my friend.
You're very ill.
Dom, you alright, mate?
                       TAXI DRIVER
Dom? I thought his name was Barry.
The Taxi Driver looks at Dom and the penny drops.
                       TAXI DRIVER
You!! I fucking know you!! You owe
me money! You son of a bitch!!
Lewis doesn't know where to look. Dom is still coughing and
                       TAXI DRIVER
I'm calling the police! Get out of
my house now! Both of you!
Lewis freezes up. The Taxi Driver is about to go for Dom
when suddenly, BLARGH!! Dom hurls on the man's carpet just
about missing the Driver himself.

BLARGH! another load comes shooting out. Dom groans and
weazes and coughs and retches. He becomes drowsy and falls
to the floor grasping at the Taxi Driver on his way down.
The Taxi Driver tries to pull away in disgust but Dom now
hangs onto his leg like a ravenous zombie until he passes


out at the man's feet.

Lewis gestures back to the notes on his paper, opens his
mouth to speak but nothing comes out.
We see Alex already in the bathroom just shutting the door
behind him. He slides the bolt lock shut but sees that the
locking mechanism has come off.
Of course.
He looks at the toilet and then back the way he came in.
Then forward again, then back. He watches the door anxiously
as he gets on the toilet. He tries to stretch his leg out to
block the door but has trouble with his pants around his
Good advice, Dom. This is
definitely relaxing. Alright just
do it.
His face contorts as he starts to push. His face turns blood
red as he strains harder and harder until we finally hear a
PLOP. He exhales and his whole body relaxes.
He brings his legs down and reaches into his pocket for his
phone. He holds it up in front of him and smiles at it ready
for the picture.
Oh, wait. Stupid phone.
He stops smiling and starts tapping the button to rotate the
camera repeatedly.
Aww, come on you piece of-
He holds it back out in front. Stretching his arm as far as
he can towards the door in order to get the shot.


Oh come on, I said front camera.
Front camera.
                       JOHN (O.S)
No Oliver you can't go in there.
Suddenly the door opens and Oliver ENTERS. Alex screams and
flinches. His one hand goes straight for covering his penis
when a bright flash from the phone nearly blinds Oliver as
we here a CLICK.

Oliver starts crying. Alex is frozen but for the desperate
shaking of his head.

John ENTERS in a hurry and stops dead when he sees Alex just
sat there, covering his parts with a camera phone pointed
directly at his 4 year old son.
                                         CUT TO:
Lawrence sits in the driver's seat. He rolls his window down
and we see the BLUE FLASHING LIGHT and hear the SIREN of a
passing POLICE CAR. Lawrence waves.
Thank you. Bye.
With the police car gone Lawrence looks in the rear view
So you were taking a selfie...of
you having a shit?
REVEAL Alex and Dom in the back seat.
That is correct.
It was Dom's advice, said it
relaxes him inside the house.


Well don't take sales advice from
that genius.
He was taking a Sel-fecal.
Please hit him.
He was Selfecating.
That doesn't even make sense. You
are a special person.
Let's just get back to the office.
FOCUS ON Lawrence's CAR as it drives off.
Where's Lewis?
Gone home?
I doubt he'll be coming back.
Ha ha! That's fantastic. At least
one of us hit our goals for the
day then.


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