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Everybody's Somebody
by Rick McCormick (rickmick_99@yahoo.com)

Rated: PG   Genre: Comedy   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED

When the nationís snobbish, top high school all-star athlete suffers a head injury that dashes all hopes of a pro sports career, the community which had put him on a pedestal becomes vindictive and gives him a taste of his own medicine.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



EXT. BUSINESS STREET - NIGHT
                                                            
A street cleaning vehicle drives through the sleepy town.
Small shops line both sides. The lights are on inside a
bakery.
                                                            
 
INT. BAKERY - NIGHT
                                                            
The baker, PAUL (48), ambitious, white apron and chef's hat,
stirs ingredients in a mixing bowl. The clock on the wall
reads: 3:23 A.M.
                                                            
Paul places loaves of bread into the oven. ASSISTANTS place
donuts into a deep fryer, and apply frosting onto pastries.
                                                            
 
INT. COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT
                                                            
LISA CUMMINGS (18), average, old-fashioned, enters, locks
the door, and turns on the lights. The clock on the wall
reads: 4:55 A.M.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
                                                            
Athletic legs move brand new running shoes at a rapid pace.
                                                            
 
EXT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
                                                            
The crack of dawn. A beat up Chevy pickup pulls to the curb
between a Lamborghini and Ferrari.
                                                            
The scruffy driver, PEDRO, (60), jovial, gets out, flashes
his pearly whites from his sun-beaten face. Coffee shop
owner, PETER (45), upbeat, sets up tables and chairs.
                                                            
                       PEDRO
Hola, Senor Peter.
                                                            
                       PETER
Wonderful day, isn't it?
                                                            
Pedro lifts a bag of oranges out of the back and heads for
the front door.
                                                            
                       PEDRO
It's a wonderful day, senor!
                                                            
 

2.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
                                                            
Pedro gives the bag to Lisa.
                                                            
                       PEDRO
Buenas dias, senorita Lisa.
                                                            
                       LISA
Good morning, Pedro.
                                                            
Lisa washes the oranges. Lisa checks the clock. It reads:
6:20 A.M.
                                                            
HISPANIC EMPLOYEE feeds orange halves one at a time into a
large, juice squeezer machine. Orange juice comes out the
spigot into a clear, plastic cup. Lisa places the cup onto
a tray.
                                                            
 
EXT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
                                                            
Lisa places the orange juice on a table. She looks down the
street. She sees something and quickly returns to the shop.
She smiles as she looks out the window.
                                                            
 
EXT. BUSINESS STREET - DAY
                                                            
The same athletic legs move rapidly.
                                                            
 
EXT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
                                                            
Peter picks up the tray as MYRON (BEAS) BEASLEY (18), tall,
strong, snobbish, pompous, self-absorbed, approaches.
                                                            
                       PETER
Wonderful day, isn't it Beas?
                                                            
Myron grabs the orange juice and takes a sip on the run like
a pro marathoner.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I told you not so much pulp
anymore, pal!
                                                            
                       PETER
Alright. And the name's Peter.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Whatever.
                                                            

3.

A dirty, homeless trash man, KEITH (55), kind, quiet,
replaces a liner of a trash can. Myron takes a last gulp
and tosses the cup which bounces off Keith.
                                                            
                       KEITH
Hey, Beas! How's it going?
                                                            
Keith picks up the cup and drops it into the trash can.
                                                            
ALFRED (35), scrawny, demanding, basketball coach, appears
from behind a building. He joins Myron.
                                                            
                       ALFRED
I told you to dribble a basketball
when you run.
                                                            
                       MYRON
So?
                                                            
CINDY (17), statuesque, arrogant, holds a coffee cup as she
gets into her late model, Mercedes convertible.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Hey, Cindy.
                                                            
                       CINDY
No more Morton's Steakhouse. I
wanna try Ruth's Chris.
                                                            
                       ALFRED
Stay away from that golddigger.
When the money runs out, so will
she. Concentrate on sports.
                                                            
Alfred GASPS for air and stops running.
                                                            
                       ALFRED
And don't stop at the bakery!
                                                            
 
INT. BAKERY - DAY
                                                            
A worker cleans the display cases. Paul uses tongs to pick
out the two largest chocolate donuts in the display case. He
carefully places the donuts and napkins in a white paper bag
and neatly folds the top closed.
                                                            
 
EXT. BAKERY - DAY
                                                            
Paul checks his watch and moves quickly toward the sidewalk.
                                                            

4.

                       PAUL
      (To Betty)
Hurry up!
                                                            
Paul's wife BETTY (47), sensible, comes outside and stands
next to him with a stern look. Myron approaches rapidly.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Two chocolate devils.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Two bear claws tomorrow and don't
forget the napkins.
                                                            
Myron swiftly snatches the bag from the baker's outstretched
arm as he zips past.
                                                            
                       PAUL
You got it, Beas!
                                                            
                       BETTY
Why do you let him treat you like
that?
                                                            
The baker gazes at Myron who is already in the distance.
                                                            
                       PAUL
We'll be able to tell our
grandkids we helped train him.
                                                            
 
EXT. LIQUOR STORE - DAY
                                                            
A neon sign flashes: OPEN 24 HOURS. A MAN stands next to a
bucket of ice water. He pulls a bottled water from the
bucket, and dips a sponge.
                                                            
Myron, on the run, takes the last bite of his donuts, wipes
his mouth with a napkin, and crumples up the bag.
                                                            
Myron throws the bag near the man who hands both the sponge
and bottled water to Myron on the run. Myron squeezes the
sponge over his head before discarding it.
                                                            
 
EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY
                                                            
NEIGHBORS smile, wave, and CALL OUT to Myron. Myron races
up a long walkway to a large house.
                                                            
 

5.

INT. BEASLEY RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Myron enters the dark, cavernous, nearly empty building. He
races up the long, dark staircase.
                                                            
Open doors on both sides of the long, dark hallway cast dark
shadows. MRS. RACHEL BEASLEY (37), statuesque, unobservant,
speaks to her husband DR. JOSEPH BEASLEY (45), hard-driving,
who is in another room.
                                                            
                       RACHEL (O.S.)
Will you be able to make the
charity auction tonight?
                                                            
                       JOE (O.S.)
I was hoping to just relax and
watch Monday Night Football.
                                                            
                       RACHEL (O.S.)
Oh honey. I was hoping--
                                                            
                       MYRON
Anyone seen my backpack?
                                                            
                       RACHEL (O.S.)
Check next to your desk! I can't
go alone. It's embarrassing.
                                                            
                       JOE (O.S.)
Then don't set so many up.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Anyone going to my game Friday?
                                                            
                       RACHEL (O.S.)
Nope, we're busy!
                                                            
                       MYRON
How 'bout next Friday?
                                                            
                       RACHEL
Can't. We got plans!
                                                            
                       JOE (O.S.)
Maybe another time! You do the
list?
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yeah!
                                                            
                       JOE
What's that?
                                                            

6.

                       MYRON
Yes, sir!
                                                            
Myron trudges away.
                                                            
BATHROOM
                                                            
Taped to the mirror is a To Do list. Some listed things are
math exercises, science project, pushups, sit ups, hitting,
free throws, run. Myron RIPS the list off the mirror.
                                                            
                       JOE (O.S.)
      (Approaching)
I want you to throw in some
one-arm push-ups.
                                                            
Fear fills Myron's eyes. He tries unsuccessfully to tape
the tattered list back up on the mirror. Joe enters. Myron
quickly pulls out a pen and writes on the list.
                                                            
                       MYRON
One-arm push-ups. Got it.
                                                            
                       JOE
I don't want you leaving any more
touchdown passes short.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yes, sir.
                                                            
                       JOE
Don't fail us, son.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yes, sir.
                                                            
Joe leaves. Myron EXHALES DEEPLY.
                                                            
 
EXT. CUMMINGS RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Birds SING in the trees. Bright sunshine blasts the small,
fixer upper with sparse landscape. It looks completely out
of place next to the giant surrounding homes.
                                                            
A portable cement mixer spins. Hispanic construction
workers lay bricks. A real estate post with a "SOLD" sign
lays on its side against a fence.
                                                            
A worn Ford Taurus with Michigan license plates is in the
driveway.
                                                            

7.

Lisa, MR. CUMMINGS (35) blue collar, and MRS. CUMMINGS (33)
sundress, down to earth, exit.
                                                            
                       MRS. CUMMINGS
Have a nice day at school.
                                                            
                       LISA
Thanks, Mom.
                                                            
Lisa checks her watch and hurries off cradling her books.
                                                            
Mrs. Cummings hands Mr. Cummings a brown lunch bag. Mr.
Cummings kisses her on the cheek and heads to the Taurus.
                                                            
                       MRS. CUMMINGS
Have a nice day at work, hon.
                                                            
                       MR. CUMMINGS
Thanks, hon.
                                                            
Mrs. Cummings watches as Lisa crosses the street and waits
in front of a large, yellow house.
                                                            
The garage door rolls up on the yellow house. DR. JULIUS
DUNBAR (45), frail, bespectacled, brilliant, gets into his
late model Mercedes, and drives off.
                                                            
MAGGIE DUNBAR (17), homely, bespectacled, computer geek,
exits the house. Lisa and Maggie walk off to school.
                                                            
Mrs. Cummings waves to her husband as he drives off in the
SPUTTERING Taurus.
                                                            
 
INT. BEASLEY RESIDENCE - MYRON'S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
There are enough awards to open a trophy shop. The walls
are plastered with photos of Myron playing sports.
                                                            
Several brand new sports shoes are scattered on the floor.
Myron GRUNTS as he does one-arm push-ups on the floor.
Exhausted, he collapses on the floor.
                                                            
Myron puts on a polo shirt as he sneaks over to his window.
He sees Lisa hiding behind a tree.
                                                            
HALLWAY STAIRS
                                                            
Myron races down the stairs and stops on a dime. He looks
back up the dark staircase.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Bye!
                                                            

8.

He exits glumly.
                                                            
 
EXT. BEASLEY RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Myron sees Lisa with Maggie. He steps onto the sidewalk and
speedwalks ahead of Lisa while avoiding Maggie like she has
leprosy.
                                                            
                       LISA
How was your weekend, Myron?
                                                            
Lisa catches up to Myron. Maggie stays back.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Coaches made me lift weights.
                                                            
STUDENT ONE, STUDENT TWO, and STUDENT THREE walk nearby.
                                                            
                       STUDENT ONE
Hey Beas, how much we gonna win by
Friday?
                                                            
                       MYRON
Who knows?
                                                            
                       LISA
You don't need to be that way,
Myron.
                                                            
                       STUDENT TWO
I'm sure we'll kill 'em. We've
got the Killer Beas!
                                                            
                       STUDENT THREE
Bet you throw five touchdowns,
Beas!
                                                            
                       LISA
I'm sure you'll do fine. You
always do.
                                                            
Cindy drives alongside in her Mercedes.
                                                            
                       CINDY
Hop in...
                                                            
Myron and Lisa start toward the car.
                                                            
                       CINDY
...Beas.
                                                            

9.

Lisa stops and Myron gets in the car. Cindy leans over
close to Myron and strokes his hair.
                                                            
                       CINDY
Bye, Lisa.
                                                            
The car speeds off.
                                                            
 
INT. CINDY'S MERCEDES - DAY
                                                            
Cindy puts her hand on Myron's thigh.
                                                            
                       CINDY
I don't like that Michigooner. I
hear her dad's just a banker.
                                                            
                       MYRON
She thinks she can go out with me.
                                                            
 
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                                                            
Students pour onto the campus. The Mercedes pulls into a
handicap parking spot at the front of the school lot. Cindy
hangs a blue handicap sign on the rear view mirror arm.
                                                            
Myron and Cindy get out. Cindy puts out a slightly bent
arm.
                                                            
                       CINDY
Walk me to class?
                                                            
A tall, lanky boy, JIMMY (17), spots Myron.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Hey, Beas!
                                                            
                       MYRON
I've gotta talk to Jimmy.
                                                            
                       CINDY
Call me, Beas.
                                                            
Jimmy gazes at Cindy as she fashion walks away.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
You struck gold.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I struck a golddigger.
                                                            

10.

                       JIMMY
You can send her my way anytime.
                                                            
                       MYRON
What's your address?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Was low maintenance Lisa in front
of your house again?
                                                            
                       MYRON
You seen her clothes? She's no
maintenance. She was with the
ugly one.
                                                            
A TV news van with a giant, telescopic antenna is nearby. A
TV REPORTER (40), and CAMERAMAN bolt out of the van.
                                                            
                       TV REPORTER
Across the country, the buzz is
about the Beas.
                                                            
The TV reporter puts a microphone up to Myron.
                                                            
                       TV REPORTER
How 'bout a couple words, Beas?
                                                            
                       MYRON
We'll win Friday because of me.
                                                            
Myron and Jimmy stride off.
                                                            
                       TV REPORTER
There you have my exclusive
interview with Myron Beasley.
                                                            
 
INT. HIGH SCHOOL SCIENCE CLASSROOM - DAY
                                                            
Alfred enters with the much larger football coach, DENNIS
(38), determined, and baseball coach, JACK (32), selfish,
close behind.
                                                            
                       DENNIS
We need to talk to you about Myron
Beasley's grades.
                                                            
They surround the muscular science teacher, MIKE (23).
                                                            
                       MIKE
What about them?
                                                            

11.

                       JACK
Rumor is he's failing.
                                                            
                       MIKE
If he fails, he fails. There's
nothing I can--
                                                            
Alfred grabs Mike by the lapels. The coaches surround Mike.
                                                            
                       ALFRED
We need him or we'll lose games.
                                                            
                       JACK
If we lose games, we won't get the
coverage.
                                                            
                       DENNIS
If we don't get the coverage we
won't get new recruits!
                                                            
                       ALFRED
If we don't get new recruits, we
won't win, not to mention the
potential money for the athletic
program.
                                                            
                       MIKE
And our school will have a black
mark if the nation's top athlete
can't pass his subjects.
                                                            
Alfred slides his hands off Mike, lifts his pants by his
belt buckle, and throws his shoulders back.
                                                            
                       ALFRED
Hope I wasn't too tough on you.
                                                            
 
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - DAY
                                                            
From the dugout, Myron's teammates BASEBALL PLAYER #1 and
BASEBALL PLAYER #2 spot JIM ABBOTT (55), low key, and PAUL
MOLITOR (62), analytical, behind a chain link fence.
                                                            
                       BASEBALL PLAYER ONE
The Baltimore Orioles are back.
                                                            
                       BASEBALL PLAYER TWO
Last week the Oakland Raiders,
this week the Orioles.
                                                            

12.

Myron steps up to the plate. The outfielders back up. On
the pitching mound, a player places a baseball into a
machine with two rapidly spinning tires.
                                                            
The ball shoots out from between the tires making a SWOOSH
sound as it blazes towards home plate. Myron swings and
CRACKS a line drive to deep left field.
                                                            
Each SWOOSH is followed by a LOUD CRACK.
                                                            
                       JIM ABBOTT
What do you think, Molly?
                                                            
                       PAUL MOLITOR
Jim, he's better than A-Rod when
A-Rod was this age.
                                                            
                       JIM ABBOTT
What about all the reports? We
don't need a cancer on the team.
                                                            
                       PAUL MOLITOR
Let's hope he changes.
                                                            
A school bell rings. Dennis runs over carrying Myron's
football uniform which already has the pads inside.
                                                            
                       DENNIS
Beas! Time to go!
                                                            
                       JACK
He'll be with you in a minute!
                                                            
                       DENNIS
He's on my time now!
                                                            
                       JACK
I said he'd be with you in a
minute!
                                                            
                       PAUL MOLITOR
We know where Beas gets his
attitude.
                                                            
Myron changes out of his baseball uniform and puts his
football jersey on while he jogs to the football field.
Molitor and Abbott follow behind the fence.
                                                            
 

13.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY
                                                            
From behind a chain link fence, several men with clipboards
watch Myron jog onto the field. Molitor and Abbott take
positions near the other men. Mike watches from a distance.
                                                            
The SUBSTITUTE QUARTERBACK takes off a red vest and hands it
to Myron. Myron puts on the vest.
                                                            
Myron sees the scouts as he runs out to his teammates in a
huddle. They set up on the line of scrimmage.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yellow thirty-one, left blue
eighty, hut, hut.
                                                            
Pads POP. Players GRUNT. Myron throws a perfect pass to a
wide receiver who drops the ball.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Catch the ball, bozo! I'm wasting
my time with you guys.
                                                            
Mike, Molitor, and Abbott watch Myron angrily gesture at his
teammates.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Alfred stands on the sidelines with a basketball and a
bottle of water. He cups his hands to his mouth to act as a
megaphone.
                                                            
                       ALFRED
Beas! Time to go!
                                                            
FOOTBALL PLAYER notices Alfred.
                                                            
                       FOOTBALL PLAYER
Beas! Basketball court!
                                                            
Myron sees Alfred.
                                                            
                       MYRON
In a sec, Mr. Universe!
                                                            
Myron looks at his left wristband which is marked with
numbers.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Okay, yellow thirty-one, left blue
eighty, half Christmas tree on
three.
                                                            

14.

Pads POP. Myron throws a long, perfect pass to a wide
receiver who never breaks his stride as he catches the ball
and runs into the end zone.
                                                            
Myron trots off the field.
                                                            
                       SUBSTITUTE QUARTERBACK
Later, Beas!
                                                            
                       FOOTBALL PLAYER
See ya, Beas!
                                                            
Dennis intercepts Myron before he can make it to Alfred.
                                                            
                       DENNIS
The other coaches and I told your
teachers to cut you some slack.
                                                            
                       MYRON
What did you do now?
                                                            
                       DENNIS
You don't have to spend much time
studying and your teachers will
still pass you. We want you to
spend more time practicing.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I'm only getting five hours of
sleep and--
                                                            
Dennis looks around and then pulls a clear wristband out
from under a towel. He slips Myron the wristband.
                                                            
                       DENNIS
Make some notes on this and wear
it when you have a test.
                                                            
                       MYRON
My dad will kill me.
                                                            
Myron marches over to Alfred who hands him the bottle of
water and towel.
                                                            
                       ALFRED
Three on three with some UCLA
players.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Only if you're not on my team.
                                                            
Myron swipes the basketball from Alfred and dribbles off.
                                                            
 

15.

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - NIGHT
                                                            
Myron yawns as he dribbles a basketball.
                                                            
 
INT. BEASLEY RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Joe and Rachel eat with laptop computers and daily planners
spread over the dining room table.
                                                            
                       RACHEL
We can rendezvous at the Wilson's
at seven, and go straight from
there to the hotel.
                                                            
Myron enters and puts down his backpack at the base of the
stairs. He walks past his parents.
                                                            
                       RACHEL
Your food's on the stove.
                                                            
KITCHEN
                                                            
Myron dumps the entire contents of a pan onto a plate. The
monster plate of food reaches five inches high.
                                                            
DINING ROOM
                                                            
He takes a seat at the end of the table and proceeds to
inhale his food and suck down his milk at an alarming rate.
His parents are oblivious to him.
                                                            
                       RACHEL
My friend Cheryl is running a
charity for the homeless on the
twenty-third. I promised her we'd
go.
                                                            
                       JOE
You doing the push-ups?
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yes, sir.
                                                            
                       JOE
Good. Add another mile to your
running.
                                                            
Myron almost chokes on his food.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yes, sir.
                                                            

16.

Myron finishes his meal and rinses his plate off in the
sink. He grabs his backpack and runs upstairs.
                                                            
MYRON'S BEDROOM
                                                            
Myron turns on Monday Night Football. He watches with great
concern as an injured player is carefully immobilized,
lifted onto a stretcher, and taken away on the back of an
electric cart.
                                                            
                       TV FOOTBALL ANNOUNCER
      (on TV)
This doesn't look good.
                                                            
 
INT. HOAG HOSPITAL - DAY
                                                            
ORGAN DELIVERY MAN races down a hallway carrying a red Igloo
cooler. He passes a slow, yawning Myron.
                                                            
                       ORGAN DELIVERY MAN
Hey, Beas!
                                                            
He flies through double swing doors.
                                                            
                       ORGAN DELIVERY MAN
Got the heart with the new
Edwards' heart valves.
                                                            
Joe washes his hands before a TIDY NURSE puts surgical
gloves on his hands.
                                                            
                       JOE
Great. Take them in.
                                                            
Organ Delivery Man dashes off.
                                                            
Exhausted Myron sees a gurney. He lies down on it.
                                                            
Passing Tidy Nurse sees Myron's still body on the gurney.
She pulls a sheet over his entire body and walks off.
                                                            
Myron wakes up and yanks the sheet off.
                                                            
Myron rubs his triceps muscle as he passes through the
double swing doors.
                                                            
                       JOE
Did you practice your free throws?
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yes, sir.
                                                            

17.

                       JOE
I don't want you choking any last
second free throws.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yes, sir. Neither do I.
                                                            
                       JOE
No son of mine is going to be a
choker. You hear me?
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yes, sir.
                                                            
                       JOE
I gotta do a surgery.
                                                            
Joe moves swiftly away.
                                                            
                       MYRON
The grain-size tracking chip feels
like a boulder.
                                                            
                       JOE
That's normal at the beginning.
You'll get used to it.
                                                            
                       MYRON
It won't affect my game?
                                                            
                       JOE
No. You wanna get kidnapped again?
                                                            
                       MYRON
That was the cheerleaders playing
a prank.
                                                            
Joe disappears into a room.
                                                            
 
INT. SCIENCE CLASSROOM - DAY
                                                            
It's a packed classroom.
                                                            
Mike sees Myron tease FINSTER POTTER (15), scrawny, geek,
and flick his ear.
                                                            
Myron anxiously waits on the edge of his seat.
                                                            

18.

                       MIKE
Open your books to page
one-forty-nine regarding the cell
nucleus. Who would like to tell
us about--
                                                            
Myron waves his hand.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Oh! Oh! Oh!
                                                            
Mike sweats profusely.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Myron.
                                                            
                       MYRON
The nucleus is the brain of a
cell. The nucleus contains the DNA
or deoxyribonucleic acid which
stores genetic information for a
cell.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Okay, very good.
                                                            
                       MYRON
The nucleus contains RNA, DNA, and
proteins.
                                                            
The students snicker.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Okay. That's enough, Myron.
                                                            
Myron smiles as he leans back in his chair.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Maybe I should ask about a
different topic.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Maybe you shouldn't.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
The school bell RINGS. The students SKID their chair legs.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Hold on, Beas and Finster.
                                                            

19.

The other students leave. Mike pulls out several pencils
from his desk drawer. He bands them together using a rubber
band. He hands the pencils to Myron.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Snap those pencils.
                                                            
Myron uses all his might to try to snap the band of pencils.
                                                            
                       MIKE
A team works best together as one
unit, not as individuals.
                                                            
Myron tries to snap the pencils using the edge of Mike's
desk. Exhausted, Myron finally hands Mike the pencils. Mike
removes a single pencil, and hands it to Finster.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Snap this.
                                                            
Finster easily snaps the pencil in two.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Thank you, Finster. You can go.
                                                            
Finster grins at Myron as he exits.
                                                            
                       MIKE
You think you're a really big man,
don't you? That no one else
matters and the world revolves
around you?
                                                            
Mike swipes his finger along the chalk tray. He shows his
chalked finger to Myron.
                                                            
                       MIKE
This is you. The room is the
universe.
                                                            
He BLOWS the chalk off his finger.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Now go find yourself.
                                                            
Myron ponders this. Mike leaves.
                                                            
 
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - DAY
                                                            
Myron practices hitting against Jimmy. A LOUD CRACK
resounds with each fluid swing of the bat. Jack points a
speed gun.
                                                            

20.

                       JACK
Eighty-seven!
                                                            
The center fielder turns around in time to see the ball take
one bounce before caroming off the padded outfield wall.
                                                            
Jimmy throws wildly inside at Myron forcing him to duck out
of the way.
                                                            
                       JACK
Eighty-eight, but off the mark!
                                                            
The outfielders back up closer to the wall. Myron sends a
rocket over the left field fence.
                                                            
                       JACK
Eighty-eight!
                                                            
The outfielders back up closer to the wall. He hits a
monster home run over the left-center field fence.
                                                            
                       JACK
Eighty-seven!
                                                            
The outfielders lean against the wall. Myron dances out of
the way of an inside pitch.
                                                            
                       JACK
Eighty-seven, off the mark!
                                                            
He hits the next pitch that clears both the left field wall
and the perimeter school fence.
                                                            
                       JACK
Eighty-eight!
                                                            
                       MYRON
Is that the hardest you can throw?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
I'm not Stephen Strasburg.
                                                            
Jimmy winds up and lets the next pitch go with every ounce
of energy. The ball heads straight for Myron.
                                                            
Myron turns to avoid the wild pitch. His helmet flies off.
The ball hits him squarely in the left temple region. He
lies motionless on the ground.
                                                            
 

21.

INT. HOAG HOSPITAL - DAY
                                                            
Myron lies in bed with tubing coming from his nostrils. Joe
and Lisa pace nervously at his bedside.
                                                            
                       JOE
Which house do you live in?
                                                            
                       LISA
The small one being worked on.
                                                            
                       JOE
Oh, yeah.
                                                            
Myron moves.
                                                            
                       JOE
He's awake!
                                                            
Nurses rush from all over to see Myron trying to keep his
eyes open.
                                                            
                       MYRON
What happened?
                                                            
                       JOE
You had an injury on the baseball
field.
                                                            
Myron feels the left side of his head which is bandaged.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I've got a splitting headache.
                                                            
                       LISA
You got hit in the head with a
baseball. You've been in a coma
for three days.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Didn't they feed me?
                                                            
Myron musters just enough energy to pull the curtain
separating him from another patient who's asleep.
                                                            
Myron steals disgusting hospital food off the sleeping
patient's tray. He gulps down the food. Lisa SLAPS his
hand and pulls the curtain shut.
                                                            
                       JOE
Get a large pepperoni pizza, lots
of chicken, and anything else you
can find.
                                                            

22.

                       NURSE
Right away, doctor.
                                                            
Joe pulls his cell phone from his doctor's coat and dials.
                                                            
                       JOE
He's awake. Charity luncheon!
Leave it and get over here!
                                                            
He hangs up.
                                                            
                       JOE
The food should be here soon.
                                                            
                       MYRON
My head's killing me.
                                                            
Joe leans over and examines his head.
                                                            
                       JOE
You've got some swelling, but it
should start going down.
                                                            
Myron leans toward Joe and whispers.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Didn't I have to go to the
bathroom?
                                                            
                       JOE
More than anyone would ever
believe.
                                                            
He points to a passing nurse.
                                                            
                       JOE
But she took care of it.
                                                            
                       MYRON
How embarrassing.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Myron shovels pizza and chicken into his mouth.
                                                            
                       RACHEL
How do you feel?
                                                            
                       MYRON
I've got a headache, but this food
is taking my mind off it. I
should be good as new in a few
days, right Dad?
                                                            

23.

Joe and Rachel sit at the end of his bed with their backs to
Myron. They fight back tears. Myron blacks out with a
large piece of chicken sticking out of his mouth.
                                                            
                       JOE
The neurosurgeon says you've
suffered a crimping of the artery
in your temple region. Medications
and treatments will not help.
You're going to have some
blackouts from time to time.
                                                            
Dead silence. Joe and Rachel turn around. Joe yanks the
chicken out of Myron's mouth and lightly shakes him.
                                                            
Myron wakes up and sees the empty plates.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Is there any more chicken?
                                                            
 
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                                                            
Myron pulls into the first handicapped parking space in his
late model BMW. His head is heavily bandaged. A homely
looking nurse rides shotgun.
                                                            
On the floor on her side are accelerator and brake pedals
similar to driver education cars.
                                                            
Cindy pulls into the handicapped parking space next to the
BMW and hangs her handicapped sign. Cindy and other curious
students watch Myron reject the nurse's help to get up the
curb.
                                                            
The students SNICKER when they see the nurse straighten
Myron's Depend diapers. Myron yanks his pants up and pulls
his shirt out to cover the diapers.
                                                            
 
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                                                            
Myron walks down a busy corridor. He notices students
teasing Maggie.
                                                            
Myron blacks out and falls to the floor. Lisa runs to his
aid. The other students, including Cindy, stare at him like
he's a freak. Lisa gently slaps his face.
                                                            
                       LISA
Can you hear me Myron?
                                                            

24.

Myron wakes up groggy, but quickly gets up when he sees the
other students.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Did anyone see me?
                                                            
                       LISA
Don't worry about it.
                                                            
                       MYRON
      (to passing
       students)
I'm okay.
                                                            
Cindy walks by.
                                                            
                       CINDY
Nice one, Beas.
                                                            
 
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - DAY
                                                            
Myron fidgets while he watches his teammates practice from
behind a chain link fence. He wears a baseball cap over his
head bandages. He puts a helmet on and works his way over to
the batting cage carrying a bat. Jack marches over.
                                                            
                       JACK
I can't let you hit.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Why not?
                                                            
                       JACK
If you get hit again, the school
could get sued.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I'll wear an extra protective
helmet.
                                                            
                       JACK
No.
                                                            
                       MYRON
We'll make it so it doesn't fall
off this time.
                                                            
                       JACK
No!
                                                            

25.

                       MYRON
How am I going to make it to the
pros if I can't practice?
                                                            
                       JACK
I don't know, Beas.
                                                            
Myron storms off.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Myron repeatedly throws a baseball against a wall and
receives the ground ball ricochet into his baseball glove.
                                                            
Myron sees the football team practicing. A light goes on
behind each eye.
                                                            
 
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY
                                                            
Myron trots over wearing his football uniform, helmet, and a
red vest. He hides behind his teammates until his coach
isn't looking.
                                                            
Myron races onto the field and motions for Substitute
Quarterback to leave. Substitute Quarterback runs off the
field. Myron huddles with the other players who walk up to
the line of scrimmage.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yellow, thirty-one, yellow
thirty-one! Hut, hut, hike!
                                                            
The center hikes the ball, Myron backpedals sluggishly, and
throws a weak pass ten yards short of his wide receiver.
Myron holds his head. The players look at each other.
                                                            
Myron takes a snap and underthrows a wide receiver. The
ball is easily intercepted by a defender and run back for a
touchdown.
                                                            
 
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
A doctor checks Myron's pupils with a penlight. The doctor
scribbles on a prescription pad.
                                                            
A nurse pops her head in the door. The doctor and nurse
leave. Myron tears several sheets off the pad and stuffs
them into his pocket.
                                                            
 

26.

EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - DAY
                                                            
Myron steps onto the field in uniform. Jack approaches.
                                                            
                       JACK
I told you you can't play.
                                                            
Myron hands Jack a sheet of paper with his doctor's heading.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Doc okayed me.
                                                            
                       JACK
He did?
                                                            
Jack examines the paper. Myron steps into the batting cage.
The coach and teammates head to the cage to watch.
                                                            
The machine spits out a ball. Myron clumsily swings and
misses. He fights to regain his balance.
                                                            
Myron steps back into the batter's box and concentrates on
the pitching machine. A ball shoots out. He swings and
misses by a mile. Jack and the teammates have puzzled
looks. Myron swings and misses more pitches.
                                                            
Jack re-examines the doctor's note.
                                                            
 
EXT. BATTING CAGES - DAY
                                                            
Myron trudges up to the counter where Jimmy works.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
I'm really sorry about everything.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I need a couple tokens for the
batting cages.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
I don't know, Beas.
                                                            
                       MYRON
You owe me, Jimmy.
                                                            
Jimmy hands Myron a few tokens.
                                                            
Myron enters a cage with a helmet and bat and closes the
door. A sign on the door reads "80 MPH." With his back to
the machine, he drops a token into the coin slot. The balls
start to move as the machine warms up.
                                                            

27.

                       MYRON
I can still do this.
                                                            
He steps into the batter's box, misses several balls, blacks
out, and falls to the ground motionless.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
The batting cage door reads "60 MPH." Myron swings and
misses several pitched balls.
                                                            
 
INT. SCIENCE CLASS - DAY
                                                            
Myron sees students tease Maggie and play keep away with her
phone.
                                                            
Lisa sees students SNICKER at Myron and his nurse. Myron
leans over toward Cindy.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Ruth's Chris tonight?
                                                            
                       CINDY
So we can be followed around by
Nurse Ratched with your bedpan? I
don't think so.
                                                            
The students SNICKER. The school bell RINGS. Lisa and
Maggie walk out with Myron.
                                                            
                       LISA
I'm not busy tonight.
                                                            
Myron sees Maggie.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I don't think so.
                                                            
 
INT. BEASLEY RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Myron, Rachel, and Joe eat dinner spread out at the dining
room table. Laptops, calendars, and papers are spread out
on the table. Myron's nurse spoon feeds applesauce to Myron
who finally pushes the spoon aside and stands up.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I'm not a baby!
                                                            
He storms off.
                                                            

28.

                       RACHEL
Myron!
                                                            
 
INT. MYRON'S BEDROOM - DAY
                                                            
Myron GRUNTS as does one-arm push-ups. Exhausted, he
collapses on the floor.
                                                            
Myron walks over to the window and looks through the blinds.
He sees Lisa and Maggie behind the tree.
                                                            
 
EXT. BEASLEY RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Myron trudges out to Lisa on the sidewalk. He stares at
Maggie who continues on.
                                                            
                       LISA
What have you got against Maggie?
                                                            
                       MYRON
C'mon.
                                                            
The two head on to school.
                                                            
                       LISA
No, really. She's a very nice
girl.
                                                            
                       MYRON
She has to be with her looks.
                                                            
                       LISA
That's terrible, Myron. She's
brilliant with computers.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yeah, whatever.
                                                            
                       LISA
You got any plans for the summer?
                                                            
                       MYRON
I'm going to concentrate on being
a pro.
                                                            
Cindy races by in her Mercedes with Jimmy riding shotgun.
                                                            
                       LISA
What about the blackouts?
                                                            

29.

                       MYRON
I'm not going to let those stop
me.
                                                            
 
EXT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
                                                            
Paul sets up tables. He sees Myron running toward him. Lisa
watches from inside.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Where's my o.j.?
                                                            
                       PETER
I didn't think you were training
anymore.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I am, so go get it.
                                                            
Peter enters and goes straight to Lisa at the orange juice
machine.
                                                            
Peter exits with a small cup of orange juice.
                                                            
                       PETER
This is your last orange juice.
                                                            
Myron grabs the orange juice and runs off.
                                                            
 
INT. BAKERY - DAY
                                                            
Myron enters.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I need a couple chocolate devils.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Which ones do--
                                                            
                       BETTY
You can have a couple donut holes
and that's it.
                                                            
She uses wax paper to grab a few donut holes. She sets them
on the counter.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Do you know who I am?
                                                            
                       BETTY
Yeah, a has-been.
                                                            

30.

Myron snatches the donut holes and leaves.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - DAY
                                                            
Myron exits and runs down the street. He pops a donut hole
into his mouth. He blacks out and falls to the ground.
Donut holes fly out of his hand.
                                                            
 
EXT. BATTING CAGE - DAY
                                                            
The cage door reads "50 MPH." Myron frustratingly swings
and misses all the pitches. He rips his helmet off and
storms out of the batting cage.
                                                            
 
EXT. CUMMINGS RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Myron trudges along the sidewalk with a baseball bat. He
watches Lisa pour a pitcher of lemonade for the Hispanic
construction workers. Lisa spots Myron.
                                                            
                       LISA
Hi!
                                                            
She walks over to Myron and pours him a lemonade.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Thanks. Did they ask you for some
lemonade?
                                                            
                       LISA
No. They looked thirsty, so I
offered them some.
                                                            
Myron is puzzled.
                                                            
                       LISA
You were practicing?
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yup, Gotta keep my timing. Did
you wanna go to Ruth's Chris
tonight?
                                                            
                       LISA
How 'bout a walk instead?
                                                            
Lisa sets the pitcher of lemonade down. The two head down
the street. Lisa waves at Maggie, who sits on her front
porch of the yellow house.
                                                            

31.

                       MYRON
Does she ever go out?
                                                            
                       LISA
I don't think so. Why don't you
ask her out?
                                                            
                       MYRON
Are you kidding? It's bad enough
being seen...
                                                            
                       LISA
Being seen with me? Is that what
you think?
                                                            
Myron is caught. Lisa marches ahead of Myron who tries to
keep up.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Come on, Lisa.
                                                            
                       LISA
What makes you any better than
anyone else? Because you can hit
a baseball? Because you can throw
a football?
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yeah.
                                                            
Utter disgust flashes across Lisa's face.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I could do it better than anyone
in the country.
                                                            
                       LISA
Could being the key word.
                                                            
Myron drops his head.
                                                            
                       LISA
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have...
                                                            
 
EXT. PARK - DAY
                                                            
Lisa and Myron see Keith recycling bottles and cans.
                                                            
                       LISA
Hi, Keith.
                                                            

32.

Myron keeps his distance as Lisa takes a bill out of her sun
dress pocket, walks over, and hands the money to Keith. Lisa
and Myron sit on nearby swings.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Why'd you do that?
                                                            
                       LISA
He's gotta eat. Just because he's
homeless doesn't make him less
important.
                                                            
                       MYRON
He's got two good arms and two
good legs.
                                                            
                       RACHEL
A lot of homeless people have
mental problems, Myron.
                                                            
 
INT. BEASLEY RESIDENCE - MYRON'S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Myron is on his computer video conferencing with Jim Abbott
and Paul Molitor who are at a large conference table. An
immaculately manicured baseball field is in the background.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Couldn't I practice with the
Single A club?
                                                            
                       JIM ABBOTT
Seeing the opponents circle the
bases while you're blacked out
isn't the only issue, Beas.
                                                            
                       PAUL MOLITOR
The front office has concerns that
your attitude.
                                                            
                       JIM ABBOTT
It's all about team work. We can't
have one player ruining an entire
team.
                                                            
Myron is stunned.
                                                            
                       PAUL MOLITOR
You could be the best player in
the world, but if you're a jerk,
no team will want you.
                                                            
 

33.

INT. BEASLEY RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Rachel takes the top tier of a four-tier cake out of a box
and places it on top of the cake. She exits. On the stove
is a pot of boiling eggs. The water level is extremely low.

Myron enters with his nurse. They admire the cake and scoop
frosting with their fingers. Myron blacks out and falls
face first into the cake.
                                                            
The eggs EXPLODE throughout the kitchen. Rachel runs into
the kitchen. The nurse pulls Myron out of the cake.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Sorry, Mom.
                                                            
                       RACHEL
It's okay.
                                                            
                       MYRON
That was for a charity?
                                                            
                       RACHEL
Yeah, we'll get another one.
                                                            
Joe enters the kitchen.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I think I wanna get a summer job
and see how it goes.
                                                            
Joe hands Myron a towel. Myron wipes his face.
                                                            
                       RACHEL
That's a great idea!
                                                            
                       JOE
We're going to find a cure, Myron.
Just remember that.
                                                            
                       RACHEL
Why don't you go with me to the
charity luncheon tomorrow?
                                                            
 
INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
                                                            
Numerous WEALTHY PEOPLE enjoy themselves at the black tie
event for underprivileged, inner city children. Several of
the CHILDREN are in attendance speaking with the guests.
                                                            
Myron, uncomfortable in a tux, observes his busy mother
greeting guests. She supervises and manages the volunteers,

34.

including the food preparers, cooks, hostess, and
waitresses.
                                                            
Rachel sees Myron. She strides over to him.
                                                            
                       RACHEL
Honey, could I get you to start
guiding the guests to their
tables? Thanks.
                                                            
WEALTHY GUEST (60), amiable, saunters over to Myron.
                                                            
                       WEALTHY GUEST
Your mom's a terrific lady. She
helps a lot of people with all
these events she puts on.
                                                            
Myron and Wealthy Guest look at all the happy kids.
                                                            
                       WEALTHY GUEST
Without people like your mom,
these kids wouldn't stand a
chance.
                                                            
 
EXT. BATTING CAGES - DAY
                                                            
Jimmy and JIMMY'S DAD (40), excitable, New York accent,
speak with Myron.
                                                            
                       JIMMY'S DAD
Yeah, this would be a great job
for ya, but we ain't hiring.
                                                            
Jimmy hands Myron some tokens.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Hit some on us, Beas.
                                                            
LATER - INSIDE A BATTING CAGE
                                                            
The cage door reads "20 MPH." Myron is blacked out on the
ground. He looks like he went twelve rounds with a grizzly
bear.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Myron has a fistful of Jimmy's shirt.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
It was an accident!
                                                            

35.

                       MYRON
I was headed to the pros!
                                                            
                       JIMMY
I'm sorry, Beas.
                                                            
Jimmy's Dad yanks Myron's hands off of Jimmy.
                                                            
                       JIMMY'S DAD
I don't want you comin' around
here no more. You hear me?
                                                            
Myron leaves.
                                                            
                       JIMMY'S DAD
I don't want you hangin' out with
him anymore. You hear me?
                                                            
 
INT. CUMMINGS RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Joe, Rachel, Lisa, and her parents sit around the kitchen
table.
                                                            
Joe hands Lisa a small, GPS electronic device.
                                                            
                       RACHEL
We want to know that he's okay at
all times.
                                                            
                       LISA
Yes, ma'am.
                                                            
                       JOE
Make sure he's eating and sleeping
well.
                                                            
                       LISA
Yes, sir. He's never been known
to skip a meal.
                                                            
 
INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Myron drives a forklift into a row of glass containers which
sends them crashing to the floor. The supervisor watches
Myron exit the warehouse.
                                                            
 
EXT. HOTEL - DAY
                                                            
Myron, in a valet uniform, receives a claim ticket from a
customer. He runs off.
                                                            

36.

Myron gets in a car, drives off, blacks out, and CRASHES the
car into a hotel fountain.
                                                            
 
INT. HOSPITAL - IMAGING ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Nurses slide Myron into a CAT Scan machine.
                                                            
Joe, Rachel, and Myron's neurosurgeon, DR. KIMBLE (50),
serious, view a monitor showing images of Myron's brain. Dr.
Kimble disappointingly shakes his head.
                                                            
 
INT. MCDONALD'S - DAY
                                                            
Employees move quickly behind the counter while Myron slowly
takes orders at the drive thru window.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Welcome to McDonald's, may I take
your order?
                                                            
 
EXT. MCDONALD'S - DAY
                                                            
A motorist is at the drive thru "Place Order" speaker.
                                                            
                       MYRON (V.O.)
Would you like to make it a value
meal?
                                                            
                       DRIVE THRU MOTORIST
No thanks, just the burger.
                                                            
                       MYRON (V.O.)
Would you care for any fries with
that?
                                                            
                       DRIVE THRU MOTORIST
No.
                                                            
                       MYRON (V.O.)
How 'bout some Chicken McNuggets?
                                                            
                       DRIVE THRU MOTORIST
No.
                                                            
                       MYRON (V.O.)
Did you want something to drink
with that?
                                                            
                       DRIVE THRU MOTORIST
No, just the burger!
                                                            
 

37.

INT. MCDONALD'S - DAY
                                                            
The manager sees an ostrich-like Myron face down in a vat of
mayonnaise.
                                                            
 
EXT. MCDONALD'S - DAY
                                                            
Myron exits as the manager watches from the doorway.
                                                            
Lisa, with the GPS device in hand, follows Myron from a
distance.
                                                            
 
INT. BEASLEY RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Lisa gesticulates as she speaks to Joe and Rachel. Rachel
gives money to Lisa.
                                                            
Joe punches numbers on his cell phone. On the cell phone it
reads "MYRON." The phone RINGS and RINGS.
                                                            
 
EXT. PARK - NIGHT
                                                            
Myron takes several practice swings with his baseball bat.
                                                            
RINGING. A cheerless Myron stares at his RINGING cell phone
which reads "Dad."
                                                            
 
EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY
                                                            
Myron trudges up his street with his head down. Lisa
follows.
                                                            
 
EXT. BEASLEY RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Myron arrives in front of his house. Lisa stops and watches
from a distance. She sees Myron staring up at the house.
                                                            
Lisa checks her watch. Myron drops his head.
                                                            
                       LISA
      (To herself)
Just go home. They'll understand.
                                                            
Myron heads up the long walkway to his house.
                                                            
Lisa creeps up the sidewalk.
                                                            

38.

Myron trudges back down the walkway with a large trash bag
over his shoulder.
                                                            
Lisa dives for cover behind a hedge.
                                                            
Myron passes Lisa with the saddest look on his face.
                                                            
 
EXT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - NIGHT
                                                            
Myron's stomach RUMBLES. He strolls up to Student One,
Student Two, and Student Three as they eat.
                                                            
                       MYRON
You guys got any extra food for
the Beas?
                                                            
An elderly lady, MRS. MOTT (75), bi-polar, Christian,
overhears them and stops.
                                                            
                       STUDENT THREE
Not really.
                                                            
                       MRS. MOTT
I'll get you something if they
won't share with you. Forgive me,
Lord. Rotten kids nowadays!
                                                            
 
INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - NIGHT
                                                            
Myron holds the door open for Mrs. Mott and they walk toward
the counter.
                                                            
                       MRS. MOTT
      (to the counter
       person)
He can have anything he wants.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I'm awfully hungry.
                                                            
                       MRS. MOTT
Go on.
                                                            
Mrs. Mott pulls a five dollar bill from her purse.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Three Big Macs, three large fries,
two double cheeseburgers, two ice
cream sundaes, and two large Dr.
Peppers.
                                                            

39.

Mrs. Mott pulls out more and more bills.
                                                            
 
EXT. BEACH - NIGHT
                                                            
Myron finishes his meal. He pulls his bat out of a trash
bag. He practices some swings.
                                                            
Myron pulls a blanket out of a large trash bag and wraps
himself. He falls asleep.
                                                            
 
EXT. BEACH - DAY
                                                            
Myron sleeps as a beach cleaning machine closes in on him.
He wakes up and runs off just before the vehicle runs him
over.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - DAY
                                                            
Lisa reads the GPS device as she marches down the street.
                                                            
 
INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - DAY
                                                            
Myron enters. His stomach RUMBLES. He sees customers pick
up their food and leave their receipts on the counter.
                                                            
Myron watches the PICKUP COUNTER WORKER (20), throw away the
receipts without verifying the order number.
                                                            
                       PICKUP COUNTER WORKER
Fifty-five and Fifty-six! Numbers
Fifty-five and Fifty-six! Any
ketchup with that?
                                                            
                       FAST FOOD CUSTOMERS
No thanks.
                                                            
An antsy customer, MRS. JACOBS (40), obese, alternates
lifting her legs off the ground as she orders food.
                                                            
                       MRS. JACOBS
I'll take two number fives, biggie
sized.
                                                            
Lisa secretly enters. She watches Myron go around a corner
where he finds the door to the men's restroom is locked. He
checks the women's restroom and discovers that it is
unlocked.
                                                            

40.

INSIDE THE LADIES BATHROOM
                                                            
Myron enters, locks the door, sits down on the toilet, and
blacks out.
                                                            
OUTSIDE THE LADIES BATHROOM
                                                            
Lisa watches as Mrs. Jacobs races around the corner and
finds the women's door locked. Mrs. Jacobs paces back and
forth with a limp trying to keep her buttocks pinched
closely together. She KNOCKS on the door.
                                                            
                       MRS. JACOBS
Are you just about done in there?
                                                            
She POUNDS harder.
                                                            
INSIDE THE LADIES BATHROOM
                                                            
Myron wakes up.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Hold on! I'm just chopping
timber!
                                                            
                       MRS. JACOBS (O.S.)
Hurry!
                                                            
OUTSIDE THE LADIES BATHROOM
                                                            
Mrs. Jacobs grabs the seat of her pants. Lisa laughs. The
bathroom door opens. Mrs. Jacobs rushes in as Myron exits.
                                                            
                       MRS. JACOBS
Chop your timber in the men's
room, lumberjack!
                                                            
She SLAMS the door. Myron approaches CELL PHONE USER (20),
TALKING LOUDLY.
                                                            
                       CELL PHONE USER
What did you do yesterday? Really?
What are you doing now? Really?
                                                            
A frustrated Myron snatches the cell phone from startled
Cell Phone User. He whispers into the cell phone.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Can you hear me okay?
                                                            
                       PHONE PERSON (V.O.)
Yes, I can hear you fine. Who is
this?
                                                            

41.

He hands the phone back to Cell Phone User.
                                                            
                       MYRON
No one wants to hear you.
                                                            
Myron storms off. Customers with trays of hamburgers and
fries pass by. Myron's stomach RUMBLES.
                                                            
Myron picks up a dirty, discarded receipt with shoe prints
off the floor and moves toward the counter.
                                                            
                       PICKUP COUNTER WORKER
Number seventy-seven! Number
seventy-seven!
                                                            
Myron quickly places the receipt on the counter and takes
the food.
                                                            
                       PICKUP COUNTER WORKER
Any ketchup with that?
                                                            
                       MYRON
No.
                                                            
Myron strides out the door.
                                                            
                       PICKUP COUNTER WORKER
Number seventy-eight! Number
seventy-eight!
                                                            
CUSTOMER #78 places her receipt on the counter.
                                                            
                       PICKUP COUNTER WORKER
Any ketchup with that?
                                                            
Mrs. Jacobs exits the bathroom and goes to the counter.
                                                            
                       MRS. JACOBS
Did you call seventy-seven?
                                                            
 
INT. BEASLEY RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Joe and Rachel laugh as Lisa imitates fidgety Mrs. Jacobs
outside the ladies' bathroom.
                                                            
Rachel stares at photos of Myron with melancholy eyes. Lisa
and Joe console Rachel.
                                                            
 

42.

EXT. STREET - DAY
                                                            
Myron walks by a restaurant's patio area and observes
COMPLAINING LADY (45), YELLING at RESTAURANT MANAGER (35).
                                                            
                       COMPLAINING LADY
It's under that lettuce!
                                                            
The manager turns over the lettuce exposing a worm.
                                                            
                       RESTAURANT MANAGER
I'm terribly sorry. I won't
charge you for this meal.
                                                            
Myron continues at a faster pace.
                                                            
 
INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
                                                            
Myron sits at a booth secretly examining a worm in a paper
towel. There are stacks of dirty plates in front of him.
The waitress, TERI (22), attentive, approaches.
                                                            
                       TERI
May I take those?
                                                            
A startled Myron hides the paper towel under the table and
the worm falls out without either noticing. She reaches for
the nearly-empty salad plate. He quickly puts his hands
over the plate.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I'm not finished.
                                                            
Teri leaves. Myron unfolds the empty paper towel and
panics. He searches under and around the table. He's
relieved to find the worm on the booth seat.
                                                            
He looks around and then places the worm under the last leaf
of lettuce.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Miss!
                                                            
Teri walks over. Myron turns over the lettuce. Teri runs
off.
                                                            
The manager, MR. CHOW (60), tiny, approaches Myron's table.
                                                            
                       MR. CHOW
I'm so saarry. Please, dessert.
No charge.
                                                            

43.

                       MYRON
You can do better than that. You
wouldn't want your customers to
know that your salads have worms.
                                                            
Patrons at nearby tables stop chewing their salads.
                                                            
                       MR. CHOW
No sir, pleeeease.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I shouldn't have to pay.
                                                            
                       MR. CHOW
Okay. No pay. No problem.
                                                            
                       MYRON
And I want a free gift certificate
for a free meal.
                                                            
                       MR. CHOW
Okay, okay.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I'm taking a chance my free meal
won't have cockroaches, flies,
spiders, mice--
                                                            
                       MR. CHOW
Okay. Okay.
                                                            
Myron leaves the restaurant with several cards marked "GIFT
CERTIFICATE."
                                                            
MONTAGE - MYRON LEAVES RESTAURANTS WITH GIFT CERTIFICATES
                                                            
- Myron leaves Outback Steakhouse.

- Myron exits P.F. Changs.

- Myron leaves a Red Robin Gourmet Burgers Restaurant.
                                                            
 
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
                                                            
Myron does the worm con at a different restaurant where Mr.
Chow recognizes him.
                                                            
                       MR. CHOW
Way ta minute. You had worm at
before restaurant. You put worm
in salad!
                                                            

44.

Myron stands up.
                                                            
                       MYRON
What happened? Did they fire you
from the other restaurant?
                                                            
Myron darts for the front door. Mr. Chow chases him waving
a cleaver knife.
                                                            
 
EXT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
                                                            
Mr. Chow stops chasing him just outside the restaurant.
                                                            
                       MR. CHOW
I no see you again som bitch!
                                                            
 
INT. HOSPITAL - DAY
                                                            
Joe, Dr. Kimble, and several DOCTORS, review numerous skull
X-rays on a lighted X-ray board. Dr. Kimble points at a
model of a brain.
                                                            
 
EXT. RESTAURANT ROW - DAY
                                                            
Myron sees a banner under a restaurant sign which reads:
RECOMMENDED BY CHANNEL 7 FOOD CRITIC JERRY FIELDS.
                                                            
 
EXT. GOODWILL STORE - DAY
                                                            
Myron enters wearing a wrinkled t-shirt, shorts, and thongs.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Myron exits wearing black dress slacks, a white long-sleeve
dress shirt, and black dress shoes.
                                                            
 
INT. GOODWILL STORE - DRESSING ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Myron's wrinkled t-shirt, shorts, thongs, and price tags are
on a bench.
                                                            
 
EXT. COMMERCIAL STREET - DAY
                                                            
Myron's cell phone is to his ear.
                                                            
INTERCUT TELEPHONE CONVERSATION - MYRON AND MGR. PETE BONDS
                                                            
 

45.

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
                                                            
The manager, PETE BONDS (40), gullible, answers the phone.
                                                            
                       PETE BONDS
Alzado's.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yes, this is uhhh...(sees an
advertising sign with a
fish)...Bob Fish, the new food
critic with Channel 2 News. I'm in
your area and was hoping to
critique your restaurant today.
                                                            
Pete Bonds frantically waves his hands to get passing
waitress Lisa's attention.
                                                            
                       PETE BONDS
We'd be more than happy to have
you critique our restaurant! See
you soon.
                                                            
END INTERCUT
                                                            
Pete Bonds hangs up and wheels around to his employees.
                                                            
                       PETE BONDS
Get this roach-infested dive
cleaned up! A food critic is on
his way over here!
                                                            
The employees race around.
                                                            
Myron enters.
                                                            
                       PETE BONDS
Can we help you?
                                                            
Lisa sees Myron.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I'm Bob Fish with Channel 2 News.
                                                            
                       PETE BONDS
Yes! We have a seat for you over
here, Mr. Fish. Lisa will be your
server.
                                                            
Myron is surprised to see Lisa.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Hi.
                                                            

46.

Pete Bonds walks away.
                                                            
                       MYRON
You work here?
                                                            
                       LISA
It's a summer job. What are you
up to?
                                                            
                       MYRON
I'm hungry.
                                                            
                       LISA
We all get hungry from time to
time, but we don't lie about being
a food critic.
                                                            
She slams a menu against his stomach. Myron looks over the
menu.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I'll try the fried zucchini, the
calamari, a Caesar's salad, and
the bow tie pasta.
                                                            
Lisa writes on a pad.
                                                            
                       LISA
This isn't right, Myron.
                                                            
Lisa leaves.
                                                            
Myron watches Lisa hug a young, Hispanic busboy. She pulls
an envelope from her apron pocket and hands it to the
busboy.
                                                            
                       LISA
Sorry you have to work on your
birthday.
                                                            
Myron observes Lisa put her arm around an elderly patron.
                                                            
                       LISA
Nice to see you again, Mrs.
Peterson.
                                                            
She marches over to Myron. She hands him his glass.
                                                            
                       LISA
You can't keep doing this or
you'll end up in jail.
                                                            

47.

                       MYRON
What else can I do?
                                                            
                       LISA
You can find honest work.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I've tried different jobs, but it
doesn't work out.
                                                            
She pours water from a pitcher into his glass and
intentionally lets it overflow onto Myron's pants. Myron is
startled.
                                                            
She throws a towel at him and storms off.
                                                            
Myron tries to look like a sophisticated food critic. He
smells the wine. He swirls his wine glass only to have some
splash onto his shirt. He takes a sip.
                                                            
                       MYRON
The wine is extraordinary.
                                                            
                       LISA
It's cranberry juice. I didn't
want you or the restaurant to get
in trouble.
                                                            
Myron eats a salad. Lettuce falls inside his shirt. He
reaches down inside his shirt. He stands up and shakes his
body. The food tumbles out.
                                                            
Piles of dirty plates sit in front of Myron. Pete Bonds
walks over.
                                                            
                       PETE BONDS
So, what do you think?
                                                            
Myron pats his lips with a napkin and scribbles down some
notes.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Mr. Bonds, thousands of viewers
are counting on me, and I've got a
reputation to uphold.
                                                            
He stands up. There are lots of stains on his clothes.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I can't complete my report in just
one day. I gotta come back
tomorrow to make sure there's
consistency with the food and
            (MORE)

48.

                       MYRON (cont'd)
service.
                                                            
Myron swipes a dessert off a passing waitress's tray, and
exits.
                                                            
INSIDE PETE BOND'S OFFICE
                                                            
Pete Bonds watches Channel 2 News. The real FOOD CRITIC
(40), obese, is on the air.
                                                            
                       FOOD CRITIC
      (on TV)
This was the only restaurant I've
ever left a two cent tip. I'm
giving them two middle fingers up.
This is Pat McRae, food critic,
for Channel 2 News.
                                                            
                       PETE BONDS
What the...?
                                                            
He punches numbers on his cell phone.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
                                                            
Lisa strolls along while she looks at the GPS device.
                                                            
 
EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT
                                                            
Lisa sees Myron with his trash bags. Myron sees a button on
a tombstone and pushes it. A voice comes out of a speaker
on the tombstone.
                                                            
                       FIRST DEAD PERSON (V.O.)
I just want to say what wonderful
children and grandchildren you
are. I love you all very much. Be
good.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Cool!
                                                            
Myron looks around for another tombstone with a button. When
he finds one, he pushes the button.
                                                            
                       SECOND DEAD PERSON (V.O.)
I love you Mom, Dad, Joe Jr., and
Tim. Thank you for making my life
so wonderful.
                                                            

49.

He pushes a button on another tombstone.
                                                            
                       THIRD DEAD PERSON (V.O.)
How do you sons of bitches like me
now? By now you know you weren't
included in my will. All my money
went to charity. Maybe now you
wish you hadn't thrown me into
that retirement home!
                                                            
Lisa wanders over to Myron whose eyes start to well.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I was told if I worked hard I
could do anything.
                                                            
                       LISA
You worked hard at sports and you
were the best. No one said life
was going to be easy.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I'm getting pretty good at
conning.
                                                            
                       LISA
And losing friends.
                                                            
She marches off. He follows her.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Everyone wanted to be a part of my
life until the injury. Now they
could care less.
                                                            
                       LISA
Maybe they could care less about
your behavior. You haven't always
been nice to people.
                                                            
She sees his sullen eyes.
                                                            
                       LISA
Look, things aren't always going
to be smooth sailing. Why don't
you go back home and then you
can--
                                                            
                       MYRON
I can't, Lisa.
                                                            
                       LISA
Why not?
                                                            

50.

                       MYRON
My dad won't have a failure.
                                                            
                       LISA
Would he rather have a con artist?
                                                            
She reaches into her purse and pulls out the "ME" file.
                                                            
                       LISA
Here. This is something your
parents and I put together.
                                                            
She hands the file to Myron.
                                                            
                       LISA
It's not to show others and brag
about, but for times like these
when we need to know we're
appreciated.
                                                            
She reaches into her waitress apron pocket. She takes his
hand, places crumpled bills and coins in it, and then closes
his hand.
                                                            
                       LISA
My manager knows you're not a food
critic. I don't know what you'll
do now, but you shouldn't stay in
Newport.
                                                            
She looks at a tombstone.
                                                            
                       LISA
Every tombstone has a date of
birth and death, but the only
thing that matters is how you
treat people between those dates.
                                                            
Myron watches her walk away.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - DAY
                                                            
PASSERBY ONE (30), and PASSERBY TWO (35), see Myron with a
"Will Work For Food" sign and money cup.
                                                            
                       PASSERBY ONE
You're healthy enough to work!
                                                            
                       PASSERBY TWO
Don't sponge off others!
                                                            

51.

Myron blacks out. A homeless man steals the change from his
cup. He wakes up and sees the empty cup.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Great.
                                                            
Myron sees Keith collecting bottles and cans from trash
cans.
                                                            
                       MYRON
You make any money doing this?
                                                            
                       KEITH
A little, and I feel good helping
the environment.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Can I help?
                                                            
                       KEITH
Sure. We can never have too many
recyclers.
                                                            
Myron helps Keith separate bottles and cans. Cindy walks by
hand in hand with an older man dressed in a disco outfit.
Cindy points at Myron and laughs.
                                                            
                       CINDY
That's the one who thought he'd be
a pro athlete.
                                                            
Myron stops separating bottles and cans.
                                                            
                       CINDY
Xavier's taking me to Vegas.
                                                            
Cindy and the older man walk off.
                                                            
                       KEITH
If people don't have anything nice
to say, they shouldn't say it.
                                                            
Myron finds someone's credit card information in the trash.
He pauses before sliding the paper into his pocket.
                                                            
A limousine advertising its services passes by.
                                                            
                       MYRON
See you around.
                                                            
Myron strolls along the sidewalk. He punches numbers on his
cell phone.
                                                            
 

52.

INT. LIMOUSINE COMPANY - DAY
                                                            
The owner, MEL (48), answers.
                                                            
                       MEL
Blue Moon Limousine.
                                                            
 
EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY
                                                            
Myron is on his cell phone with two large trash bags on the
sidewalk in front of a mansion. He is dirty and wears
shabby clothes.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Any news from the docs?
                                                            
                       RACHEL
No, I'm sorry son.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I'm gonna go away for a while,
Mom. Somewhere will people won't
see me, and laugh at me.
                                                            
Myron sees a limousine approach.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I gotta go, Mom.
                                                            
The driver, ALLEN (40), competent, gets out. Astonished, he
looks at the mansion behind Myron. He double checks the
street address on the curb.
                                                            
                       ALLEN
Mr. Owens?
                                                            
                       MYRON
Call me Bill.
                                                            
                       ALLEN
You related to Howard Hughes?
                                                            
Allen watches Myron wave to a passing motorist, but doesn't
notice the driver give Myron a "Do I know you?" look.
                                                            
Allen takes the trash bags from Myron who hops into the
limo. Allen carelessly tosses the trash bags into the
trunk.
                                                            
                       ALLEN
Anyone can make it in this
country.
                                                            
 

53.

INT. LIMOUSINE - DAY
                                                            
Myron opens a cabinet where he finds three decanters labeled
BOURBON, RUM, and VODKA. He closes the cabinet and opens
the ice chest. He pulls out a soda.
                                                            
Myron sits directly behind Allen who makes a disgusting
face. Allen opens his window, plugs his nose with one hand,
and steers with the other.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Can I use your phone?
                                                            
Allen hands his cell phone through the partition area. He
gasps and quickly plugs his nose again.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Can you have your office bill me?
                                                            
                       ALLEN
Sure.
                                                            
Myron moves to the back seat. Myron takes out the discarded
credit card information and sets it on his lap. He punches
numbers on the phone.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Irvine. The Irvine Hyatt. Thanks.
Yes, I'd like to get a room for
the next few days. Ned Blanchard.
It's four, zero, zero, five...
                                                            
 
EXT. HOTEL - DAY
                                                            
A bellhop wheels a fancy luggage cart to the limo. Allen
tosses Myron's trash bags onto the cart before the bellhop
can get them. The bellhop plugs his nose. People give
Myron funny looks as he enters the hotel.
                                                            
 
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Myron, in a robe with wet hair, receives room service, and
signs for the food.
                                                            
 
EXT. HOTEL - DAY
                                                            
Men in suits throw Myron out the entrance doors. His trash
bags land at his feet.
                                                            
 

54.

INT. LIMOUSINE COMPANY - DAY
                                                            
Mel has a phone to his ear as he types on a keyboard.
                                                            
                       MEL
We'll get a limo over to you right
away, Mr. Owens.
                                                            
 
INT. LIMOUSINE - DAY
                                                            
Allen accompanies a new driver trainee, DAVID (25), who
wears a light beige suit.
                                                            
                       ALLEN
Our dress code is a black or dark
suit. You want to drive as if
there's a drink on the counter
back there. You don't want it to
slide off.
                                                            
David consumes Snapple drinks, sweats profusely, and weaves
from one side of the lane to the other.
                                                            
                       ALLEN
Take it easy! These cars aren't
hard to drive.
                                                            
                       DAVID
I'm a little nervous.
                                                            
                       ALLEN
Don't worry. It's a straight shot
once we get out of L.A. This
guy's a little eccentric. Don't
laugh at his luggage, clothes, or
the stench that accompanies him.
It's a good thing he ordered a
long car.
                                                            
The limo pulls into the hotel driveway.
                                                            
                       ALLEN
Everything we do is highbrow and
classy. Pull up to the carport.
He should be...yup, there he is.
                                                            
 
EXT. BEVERLY HILLS PENINSULA HOTEL - DAY
                                                            
A man dressed in a business suit stands near Myron at the
hotel entrance.
                                                            

55.

                       DAVID
The guy next to the bum?
                                                            
                       ALLEN
No, we're driving the bum.
                                                            
 
INT. BEASLEY RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Joe, Rachel, and Lisa all stare at the tracking device.
                                                            
                       RACHEL
He's way out in Victorville!
                                                            
                       JOE
I hope he's not driving.
                                                            
 
EXT. BATTING CAGES - DAY
                                                            
Myron is blacked out on the ground. The pitching machine
fires balls by him.
                                                            
 
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
                                                            
Allen and David stand outside the limo and glance at their
watches.
                                                            
 
INT. LIMOUSINE - DAY
                                                            
David chugs a Snapple. Myron sees billboard signs for a
discount outlet mall. He sees an In-N-Out Burger
restaurant.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Let's grab something at that
In-N-Out.
                                                            
                       ALLEN
In-N-Out's the best.
                                                            
                       DAVID
I like how they ask how I'm doing
before taking my order.
                                                            
 
EXT. IN-N-OUT BURGER DRIVE-THRU - DAY
                                                            
The limo drives over the curb and knocks down a sign.
                                                            
 

56.

INT. LIMOUSINE - DAY
                                                            
Myron writes on a piece of paper. He hands the paper
through the partition area.
                                                            
David looks at the paper.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Isn't this a lot for the three of
us?
                                                            
                       MYRON
That's just for me.
                                                            
He opens his door.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Get whatever you want and add it
to my bill. I'll meet you in
front of those stores in half an
hour.
                                                            
                       ALLEN
Won't your food get cold?
                                                            
                       MYRON
Naaa. In-N-Out has the best
burgers, but they're slower than a
snail waking up when it comes to
service.
                                                            
 
INT. DISCOUNT OUTLET STORE - DAY
                                                            
Myron does dance moves (Moon walking, The Bus Driver, The
Robot) while he tries on conservative dress suits in front
of a mirror.
                                                            
 
INT. LAS VEGAS CLUB HOTEL - DAY
                                                            
The Las Vegas Club Hotel general manager, MARTIN THOMAS
(44), gullible, clueless, short, and the president, MR.
DOUGLAS (55), assertive, go over sales figures.
                                                            
                       MR. DOUGLAS
The handle's decreased for
fourteen consecutive months,
Martin! I don't care what you do
to get the sales up, but get 'em
up now!
                                                            

57.

                       MARTIN THOMAS
Yes, sir.
                                                            
                       MR. DOUGLAS
Get a handle on the handle, and
don't let the drop, drop.
                                                            
                       MARTIN THOMAS
Yes, sir.
                                                            
 
INT. LIMOUSINE - DAY
                                                            
Myron gets in with several shopping bags.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Myron finishes inhaling his food and lies down to take a
nap.
                                                            
David squirms in his seat.
                                                            
                       ALLEN
Why didn't you go in Barstow when
you had the chance?
                                                            
                       DAVID
I thought I could hold it. Must've
been all those Snapples.
                                                            
                       ALLEN
Well you've gotta hold it now.
What are we going to tell stench?
We have to pull over so you can
kill a snake?
                                                            
Allen picks up an empty Snapple bottle off the floor.
                                                            
                       ALLEN
Bleed your lizard in this.
                                                            
                       DAVID
You want me to go in that while
we're doing seventy-five with a
client in the back?
                                                            
Allen takes the top off the bottle.
                                                            
                       ALLEN
I do it all the time. Set the
cruise and be done with it.
                                                            

58.

                       DAVID
Well, he's a wealthy freak, 'cause
he's back there and we're up here.
                                                            
Allen hands David the empty bottle. David unzips his pants
and does his business.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Get me another bottle!
                                                            
Allen grabs another empty Snapple bottle but has trouble
getting the top unscrewed.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Hurry!
                                                            
Urine shoots all over. David places the full bottle on the
dash. Allen finally gets the top off the empty bottle, and
tosses it to David who does his business.
                                                            
 
EXT. LIMOUSINE - DAY
                                                            
The limo swerves from lane to lane and almost hits the car
next to them, running the other car off the highway.
                                                            
 
INT. LIMOUSINE - DAY
                                                            
The full bottle on the dash slides off and spills all over
Allen. Myron wakes up.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Is everything okay?
                                                            
                       ALLEN
Everything's fine, Mr. Owens. You
may want to fasten your seat belt
as we're experiencing some
turbulence.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Get me another bottle!
                                                            
                       MYRON
Are you guys drinking?
                                                            
                       ALLEN
No, sir.
                                                            
Allen can't get the top off the third empty bottle in time.
Urine squirts all over the windshield and front interior.
                                                            

59.

Embarrassed, he pulls up his soaked pants.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Highbrow and classy, huh?
                                                            
Allen uses a towel to clean the windshield and dry off his
pants.
                                                            
                       MYRON
You guys need windshield wipers on
the inside.
                                                            
Myron holds a cell phone to his ear.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Las Vegas, Nevada. The Las Vegas
Club Hotel and Casino.
                                                            
 
EXT. LAS VEGAS CLUB HOTEL - DAY
                                                            
The limo pulls into the carport and is immersed in neon
lights.
                                                            
 
INT. LIMOUSINE - DAY
                                                            
Myron sprays on cologne. He hands Allen a piece of paper.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Call this number in five minutes
and ask to have me paged.
                                                            
                       ALLEN
No problem.
                                                            
 
EXT. LAS VEGAS CLUB HOTEL - DAY
                                                            
The drivers get out and open the door for their client.
Their pants show large, obvious wet spots in the crotch
area.

Myron pops out looking like a cross between Liberace and
Elton John. The Vegas Club Red Carpet Team escorts him into
the hotel.
                                                            
 
INT. LAS VEGAS CLUB HOTEL - DAY
                                                            
Martin Thomas greets Myron in the lobby.
                                                            

60.

                       MARTIN THOMAS
Welcome to the Vegas Club, Mr.
Owens! I'm sure you'll find our
hotel is ideal for filming.
                                                            
Myron moves briskly. Martin Thomas tries to keep up.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I'll need to stay in the
penthouse. I'll need to inspect
the spa, the shops, the
restaurants, everything. How many
restaurants do you have?
                                                            
                       MARTIN THOMAS
Four.
                                                            
                       MYRON
How's the French restaurant?
                                                            
                       MARTIN THOMAS
Great.
                                                            
                       MYRON
We'll see about that. I need a
French restaurant for one of my
scenes.
                                                            
Myron comes to an abrupt stop and looks Martin Thomas
straight in the eyes.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I've got a lot of people who want
their hotel in my movie. We'll see
if your hotel has what it takes to
be in a William Owens film.
                                                            
                       MARTIN THOMAS
Yes sir, Mr. Owens! If there's
anything you need just let me or
Miss Jenkins know.
                                                            
MISS JENKINS (30), statuesque, skeptical, hands Myron her
card.
                                                            
                       MISS JENKINS
Call me if you need anything, Mr.
Owens.
                                                            
                       VEGAS CLUB OPERATOR (V.O.)
Mr. William Owens. Mr. William
Owens please pick up a white
courtesy phone.
                                                            

61.

                       MYRON
The world can't live without me.
                                                            
                       MARTIN THOMAS
You can take it over here.
                                                            
They walk to a nearby phone.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Bill Owens. Yes, Miss Bigelow.
                                                            
INTERCUT TELEPHONE CONVERSATION - MYRON AND ALLEN
                                                            
 
INT. LIMOUSINE - DAY
                                                            
Allen has a confused look.
                                                            
                       ALLEN (V.O.)
Mr. Owens, it's your driver.
                                                            
Myron covers the phone and turns to Martin Thomas.
                                                            
                       MYRON
One of my secretaries.
                                                            
He uncovers the phone.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Several hotels are interested? I
believe The Vegas Club may also be
interested.
                                                            
Martin Thomas can't control his excitement.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Okay, later, uhhh, goodbye.
                                                            
Allen is puzzled.
                                                            
END INTERCUT
                                                            
Myron hangs up.
                                                            
                       MARTIN THOMAS
What's this movie about?
                                                            
Myron sees people smoking at the gaming tables.
                                                            
                       MYRON
It's about a guy who opens a
non-smoking casino that makes a
lot of money, because a lot of
people don't like all the smoke in
            (MORE)

62.

                       MYRON (cont'd)
the smoking casinos.
                                                            
                       MARTIN THOMAS
We oughta look into doing that!
                                                            
                       MISS JENKINS
I'll make a note of it.
                                                            
Myron pulls Martin Thomas aside.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I sure would like to gamble, but
MGM won't let me put gambling on
my expense account.
                                                            
                       MARTIN THOMAS
See that Mr. Owens gets a line of
ten grand.
                                                            
Myron barely hides his excitement.
                                                            
                       MISS JENKINS
Yes, Mr. Thomas.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Martin Thomas gives a tour of the casino to members of the
media who take several pictures.
                                                            
HALLWAY
                                                            
Miss Jenkins shows Myron to his penthouse suite. Myron
enters his room. The door closes and she pulls out her
radio.
                                                            
INTERCUT RADIO CONVERSATION - MISS JENKINS AND CHEWY
                                                            
                       MISS JENKINS
He's in. Martin's already ten k'd
him. He can't see through this
guy.
                                                            
SECURITY ROOM
                                                            
The security head, CHEWY (27), rock star, watches dozens of
surveillance monitors. A mugshot flyer of DEAN SMITH (55),
neatly trimmed gray hair, is taped to one of the monitors.
                                                            
                       CHEWY
He's so brain dead, a doctor could
harvest his organs. This is what
happens when an owner promotes his
inexperienced son to GM. You
            (MORE)

63.

                       CHEWY (cont'd)
gonna warn him?
                                                            
                       MISS JENKINS
And risk getting fired for
pointing out he's an idiot? No,
thanks.
                                                            
                       CHEWY
If he is a cheat, we'll know right
away.
                                                            
                       MISS JENKINS
Believe me, Mr. Sparkles is a
cheat.
                                                            
Chewy points a remote control at one of the monitors. The
picture zooms in.
                                                            
                       CHEWY
His limo had numbers on the
bumpers. Anyone with a few
hundred bucks could have rented
that thing.
                                                            
SECURITY OFFICER (40), points at the mugshot flyer of Dean
Smith.
                                                            
                       SECURITY OFFICER
He just entered off Fremont
Street.
                                                            
                       CHEWY
      (to Miss Jenkins)
The con just entered off Fremont.
                                                            
Chewy sees a man on a different monitor stick a wire down a
slot machine coin slot.
                                                            
                       CHEWY
Got a cheat at the slots!
                                                            
Several men scramble for the door.
                                                            
                       CHEWY
      (to Miss Jenkins)
Keep an eye on Mr. Sparkles.
                                                            
HOTEL ELEVATOR
                                                            
Myron enters an elevator occupied by JUDY (72).
                                                            

64.

The doors close. Myron blacks out and falls to the floor.
Judy rummages through his pockets. Myron wakes up.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Hey!
                                                            
                       JUDY
Please don't report me.
                                                            
MYRON'S PENTHOUSE
                                                            
Myron and Judy sit at a table.
                                                            
                       JUDY
I was scammed out of all my money.
The police said I'll probably
never get it back.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Let's go.
                                                            
                       JUDY
Please don't arrest me.
                                                            
CASINO FLOOR
                                                            
Myron watches security guards hustle the cheat with the wire
past a lively craps table. CRAPS DEALER (40), New Jersey
accent, warns PLAYER.
                                                            
                       CRAPS DEALER
Don't bet the hard four, the hard
six, and the hard eight unless
you're gonna bet the hard ten.
You'll kill yourself if the hard
ten comes up.
                                                            
Player tosses a chip in front of Craps Dealer who places it
on the hard ten.
                                                            
BLACKJACK TABLE
                                                            
Myron sits down. Judy stands behind him.
                                                            
At the same table, with enormous stacks of chips, are World
Series of Poker players CHRIS MONEYMAKER and PHIL "THE
UNABOMBER" LAAK.
                                                            
Miss Jenkins signals to a security guard holding several
racks of chips. The guard places the chips in front of
Myron.
                                                            
Dean studies Myron.
                                                            

65.

Myron slips a green chip to Judy. She enters a nearby
buffet restaurant.
                                                            
Dean takes a seat at Myron's table.
                                                            
Miss Jenkins tilts her head to speak into a concealed
microphone.
                                                            
                       MISS JENKINS
The con just sat down at movie
man's table.
                                                            
SECURITY ROOM
                                                            
Two goons hold down the slot machine cheat's arms on a
table. The wire device used to cheat rests on the table.
Chewy speaks into his radio.
                                                            
                       CHEWY
Keep an eye on 'em. I'll be right
there.
                                                            
A SECURITY GUARD repeatedly smashes the cheat's hands with a
baseball bat.
                                                            
BLACKJACK TABLE
                                                            
Myron places a black chip in the wager circle. DEALER deals
the cards. Myron has a face card and a seven. The dealer
has a five card up.
                                                            
                       DEALER
You have seventeen.
                                                            
Myron motions with his hand.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Hit it.
                                                            
The dealer gives him a face card and swiftly scoops away the
wager.
                                                            
                       DEALER
Too many.
                                                            
Chris Moneymaker and Phil Laak cover their mouths and
SNICKER.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Myron is low on chips. He has a face card and a four. The
dealer has a face card up. Myron motions to stand. The

66.

dealer flips over her down card to reveal another face card.
She collects the bet.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Darn it!
                                                            
The two poker pros SNICKER. Martin Thomas walks up beside
Myron.
                                                            
                       MARTIN THOMAS
Mr. Owens. Mr. Owens. Mr. Owens!
                                                            
                       MYRON
Oh, yes Mr. Thomas.
                                                            
Dean moves a chair closer and listens in.
                                                            
                       MARTIN THOMAS
We've arranged to give you another
ten thousand dollars. We don't
want you to get discouraged and
miss out on making your movie
here.
                                                            
A security guard places several racks containing black,
green, and red chips on the table in front of Myron.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Great! You'll probably just get
it right back.
                                                            
Martin Thomas walks away.
                                                            
                       MARTIN THOMAS
I know we will.
                                                            
                       COCKTAIL WAITRESS
Cocktails!
                                                            
                       DEAN
Beck's. You want something?
                                                            
                       MYRON
Beck's sounds good.
                                                            
The waitress writes on a pad. Dean slides his chips over
and sits next to Myron.
                                                            
                       DEAN
You've had some tough luck. Dean
Smith.
                                                            
He extends his hand and the two shake.
                                                            

67.

                       MYRON
My--, uhhh, name is Bill Owens. I
guess I'm not much of a player.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Here.
                                                            
He sets a card in front of Myron.
                                                            
                       DEAN
It tells you what to do given your
hand and the dealer's up card.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Mister....
                                                            
                       DEAN
Dean Smith. Call me Dean. You've
got a six and a five, so you
should double down.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Double down?
                                                            
Dean points at Myron's chips in the wager circle.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Put out the same amount as your
original wager.
                                                            
Myron slides two more black chips next to his original bet.
                                                            
                       DEAN
That's it.
                                                            
The dealer deals Myron a face card.
                                                            
                       DEAN
See.
                                                            
Myron watches Cindy walk by hand in hand with a much older,
short, fat, BALD MAN.
                                                            
Chewy gawks at Cindy as he takes a position next to Miss
Jenkins.
                                                            
                       CHEWY
Where's her guide dog?
                                                            
                       MISS JENKINS
What?
                                                            

68.

                       CHEWY
She must be blind if she's with
that goof.
                                                            
                       MISS JENKINS
Genius just bumped movie man
another ten.
                                                            
                       CHEWY
I should quit, come back in
disguise, and tell Thomas I want
to make a movie here. I could
retire in a couple days.
                                                            
                       MISS JENKINS
Common sense is not very common.
He's tired of losing whales to the
competition.
                                                            
                       CHEWY
Any sign of his Depend diapers
drivers?
                                                            
                       MISS JENKINS
I think he sent them back. Why?
                                                            
                       CHEWY
I don't want Owens taking off on
us until we can check him out.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Chris Moneymaker and Phil Laak have enormous stacks of chips
in front of them where we can barely see them.
                                                            
Martin Thomas watches Myron and Dean accumulate large stacks
of chips.
                                                            
Myron blacks out and knocks over several of his stacks. Dean
pushes Myron up against the backrest with one hand, while he
simultaneously uses his arm to bulldoze several of the
fallen chips into his own pile. Myron wakes up.
                                                            
                       DEAN
You okay?
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yeah, it's a head injury I got in
high school.
                                                            
Myron stacks the fallen chips. He puts some of the chips in
a separate stack away from his main stacks. Dean points at
the separate chips.
                                                            

69.

                       DEAN
Why are those over there?
                                                            
                       MYRON
That's to pay off the people
I...borrowed from. I gotta make
thirteen thousand bucks or the
girl who likes me will disown me.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Let her disown you. I can tell
she's special to you.
                                                            
Chewy strides over.
                                                            
                       CHEWY
You must have a lot of hotel
inspecting to do tomorrow. Why
don't we cash in these chips and
call it a night?
                                                            
                       MYRON
We're just getting started.
                                                            
                       DEAN
You heard him. We're just getting
started.
                                                            
Myron places a large stack of black chips in the wager
circle. The dealer deals the cards.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Let it ride!
                                                            
                       CHEWY
But sir--
                                                            
                       MYRON
Blackjack!
                                                            
He high fives Dean.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Pay the man! You know, I may just
have to check out other hotels if
I'm not treated better.
                                                            
Martin Thomas steps in.
                                                            

70.

                       MARTIN THOMAS
He's kidding, Mr. Owens. Play as
long as you like. In fact, the
Vegas Club is going to give you
that car.
                                                            
He points to a red BMW Z4 convertible surrounded by slot
machines.
                                                            
                       DEAN
He'll take that car right now.
                                                            
                       MARTIN THOMAS
      (to Miss Jenkins)
Get all the paperwork together and
have the dealership bring a car
over for Mr. Owens.
                                                            
Martin Thomas pulls Chewy aside.
                                                            
                       MARTIN THOMAS
Do you know what a big time movie
producer could do for us? Whales
will beach themselves here.
                                                            
                       CHEWY
But sir--
                                                            
                       MARTIN THOMAS
So what if the drop isn't as big
today as it usually is? The
media's been told a film's going
to be made here.
                                                            
Martin Thomas sees the enormous stacks of chips in front of
the two poker pros.
                                                            
                       MARTIN THOMAS
I don't suppose you'd like to cash
in your chips?
                                                            
The two poker pros shake their heads.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Martin Thomas fills out a form. Myron stares at a girl who
looks like Lisa.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Keep the money you started me.
                                                            
Disappointment flashes across Dean. Martin Thomas writes on
a form and hands it to Myron.
                                                            

71.

                       MARTIN THOMAS
We'll see you tomorrow.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Thank you.
                                                            
Myron takes a couple steps, then freezes like a deer in
headlights.
                                                            
                       DEAN
What?
                                                            
                       MYRON
I never say thank you.
                                                            
They walk to the casino cashier window.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Why give them anything back? These
guys don't care about you.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I got what I needed and then some.
                                                            
CASINO CASHIER
                                                            
There are several armed guards. The casino cashier places
large stacks of bundled bills into canvas bags and slides
them across to Myron. Myron takes the money out of the bags
and places them in his waistband, socks, and every pocket.
                                                            
                       DEAN
You aren't really going to pay off
your debts, are you?
                                                            
                       MYRON
I have to if I want any chance
with the girl.
                                                            
                       DEAN
We could take these guys for a lot
of Benjies.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I'm out.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Alright. If you change your mind,
call me.
                                                            
Dean hands him his card and leaves. Myron walks back to the
casino cashier and slides a bill under the window cage.
                                                            

72.

                       MYRON
Could someone bring some stamps
and envelopes up to room
seven-oh-seven, please?
                                                            
He freezes, and mouths the word "please."
                                                            
 
EXT. LAS VEGAS CLUB HOTEL - NIGHT
                                                            
Myron exits the hotel and is immediately immersed in the
neon lights of downtown Las Vegas. He throws his arms
ecstatically into the air, and exhales.
                                                            
Myron sees a homeless lady with several large trash bags.
Myron saunters over to the homeless lady. He takes a few
bills out of his pocket. Myron hands the bills to the lady
who smiles at him.
                                                            
Myron sees other homeless people. He heads toward them.
                                                            
 
INT. LAS VEGAS CLUB HOTEL - DAY
                                                            
MYRON'S ROOM
                                                            
Judy sleeps in the bed. Myron places the bed covers over
her better.
                                                            
Myron practice swings a baseball bat. A fabulous view of
the Las Vegas Strip is in the background.
                                                            
The news is on the TV. Myron sits at a table stuffing
envelopes with a letter and money.
                                                            
INSERT - THE LETTER
                                                            
Dear Sir,

I'm sorry for taking some of your money, recently. I have
enclosed this amount. I suffered a head injury which keeps
me from working.

Sincerely,
Myron Beasley
                                                            
                       VEGAS TV NEWS ANCHORMAN
      (on TV)
In other news, the Vegas Club will
be the sight of a major motion
picture.
                                                            

73.

Myron watches anxiously as footage shows him looking like
Elton John (getting out of the limo, tripping down the
escalator, and signing autographs for adoring fans). Myron
stuffs the envelopes at a faster pace.
                                                            
Myron checks on Judy. He pulls a dirty blanket from one of
his trash bag suitcases. He puts the blanket back. He gets
a new, folded blanket from the closet. He wraps it around
himself and falls asleep in the chair.
                                                            
CASINO FLOOR
                                                            
Chewy races to Martin Thomas. The hotel goon squad leader,
BRADLEY (35), large monster, trails him out of breath.
                                                            
                       CHEWY
MGM doesn't have a producer named
Owens.
                                                            
                       MARTIN THOMAS
Where is he?
                                                            
                       BRADLEY
The boys saw him taking the trash
out to his car.
                                                            
                       MARTIN THOMAS
He must have our money in those
bags! Find him!
                                                            
                       BRADLEY
But he didn't even check out.
                                                            
                       MARTIN THOMAS
Find him you idiots!
                                                            
MR. DOUGLAS'S OFFICE
                                                            
Martin Thomas enters. Mr. Douglas turns off the TV.
                                                            
                       MR. DOUGLAS
Tell me you didn't give him a car,
chips, a room and everything else!
Did you give him the hotel?
                                                            
                       MARTIN THOMAS
We'll find him Mr. Douglas.
                                                            
                       MR. DOUGLAS
You and your men couldn't find hot
lava if it were flowing under your
bare feet.
                                                            

74.

MYRON'S ROOM
                                                            
Mr. Douglas and Martin Thomas watch as several police
detectives lift fingerprints from glasses, the table, etc.
                                                            
                       MR. DOUGLAS
You couldn't manage a pay toilet!
                                                            
                       MARTIN THOMAS
Just one more chance, Mr. Douglas.
                                                            
                       MR. DOUGLAS
I'll handle this. I know just the
guy.
                                                            
 
INT. DINER - NIGHT
                                                            
Myron sips from a coffee mug. The TV show "America's Most
Wanted" is on the TV behind the counter.
                                                            
                       JOHN WALSH
      (on TV)
Now our next fugitive is believed
to be somewhere in or around Las
Vegas. Get a good look at him.
                                                            
Several comical photos of Myron dressed like Elton John,
picking his nose, etc. are shown with his height, weight,
and age information.
                                                            
                       JOHN WALSH (O.S.)
      (on TV)
Myron Beasley is a con man who
sometimes goes under the name Bill
Owens, Bob Fish, or Ned Blanchard.
The few friends he has call him
Beas.
                                                            
Myron squirms in his chair, pulls his baseball cap low on
his head, and flips his jacket collar straight up around his
face.
                                                            
                       JOHN WALSH (O.S.)
      (on TV)
He's swindled several people....
                                                            
 
INT. MRS. MOTT'S RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Mrs. Mott watches AMW while knitting.
                                                            

75.

                       MRS. MOTT
How 'bout a little fire, Beas?
                                                            
 
INT. MR. CHOW'S RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Mr. Chow watches AMW while he eats Chinese take out.
                                                            
                       MR. CHOW
Game ova, Beas boy!
                                                            
 
INT. DINER - NIGHT
                                                            
Myron quickly pays his check and leaves.
                                                            
                       JOHN WALSH
      (on TV)
If you've seen Myron Beasley call
us, and remember, you can remain
anonymous.
                                                            
All the patrons and employees dial their cell phones.
                                                            
 
EXT. DINER - NIGHT
                                                            
Myron pulls out Dean Smith's card and heads to a nearby pay
phone.
                                                            
 
EXT. PAY PHONE - NIGHT
                                                            
Myron dials.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Dean! Bill Owens!
                                                            
INTERCUT TELEPHONE CONVERSATION - MYRON AND DEAN
                                                            
 
INT. DEAN'S RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Dean watches AMW in his dirty, cramped apartment. He drinks
a beer shirtless in his worn recliner.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Oh, yeah, from the Vegas Club.
                                                            
                       MYRON
That's right! Listen, I need you
to help me find a place to hide.
                                                            

76.

                       DEAN
Hide? What's goin' on, Myron?
                                                            
                       MYRON
I can't explain right now, but--
                                                            
                       DEAN
I'll help you Beas, but it's going
to cost you.
                                                            
                       MYRON
You saw me on "America's Most
Wanted?"
                                                            
                       DEAN
Me and everyone else. Look, I'll
get you a new identity and plastic
surgery. All I want from you is
the cash you won and that little
sports car. You can't be seen with
it anyway.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Deal.
                                                            
                       DEAN (V.O.)
Where are you?
                                                            
                       MYRON
I'm off Echelon Place by Desert
Inn Road. There's a church close
to The Strip that winds around--
                                                            
Dean puts on a shirt.
                                                            
                       DEAN (V.O.)
I'll be there in ten.
                                                            
 
EXT. CHURCH - NIGHT
                                                            
Dean hands a bed sheet end to Myron. They cover the BMW.
                                                            
 
INT. DEAN'S CAR - NIGHT
                                                            
They speed off.
                                                            
                       DEAN
We'll stay at my place.
                                                            
Dean checks his side and rear view mirrors.
                                                            

77.

                       DEAN
Got the money and pink slip?
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yeah. Everything I own's in those
bags.
                                                            
                       DEAN
I'm really stickin' my neck out
for you. What if the police catch
me harboring a fugitive?
                                                            
                       MYRON
I really appreciate this Dean.
                                                            
                       DEAN
I can't believe I'm sitting next
to a con man!
                                                            
 
EXT. IHOP RESTAURANT - DAY
                                                            
They park near the entrance. Dean runs around to Myron's
side.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Isn't this a little too much?
                                                            
                       DEAN
We can't take any chances.
                                                            
Myron gets out disguised as an extremely overweight lady.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Waddle a little.
                                                            
Myron waddles up to the front door with Dean. The hostess
opens the door. She unlatches and opens the adjoining door
for Myron.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Next thing you know they'll have a
cement mixer making my pancakes
and sending them down the chute
into my mouth.
                                                            
 
INT. IHOP RESTAURANT - DAY
                                                            
There are several plates of food in front of Dean. In front
of bleak Myron is a short stack of pancakes.
                                                            

78.

                       DEAN
How much you got?
                                                            
Myron slides thick envelopes across the table.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Almost eighty thou.
                                                            
                       DEAN
I thought you won more than that.
                                                            
Dean thumbs through the envelopes.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I did, but I kind of gave some
away and--
                                                            
                       DEAN
You're unbelievable.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I have to pay the people I stole,
borrowed from. I just gotta mail
the letters.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Who cares about others?
                                                            
                       MYRON
That's more than enough to take
care of the plastic surgery and
everything else.
                                                            
Dean places the envelopes in his jacket pockets.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Why not sue the helmet
manufacturer?
                                                            
                       MYRON
Everyone sues everyone in America.
I didn't see why--
                                                            
                       DEAN
Look, when you get a chance to sue
a company, you do it. I'm gonna
catch some air.
                                                            
Dean gets up, pulls a bill out of one of the envelopes,
considers putting it on the table, puts it back in the
envelope, and leaves.
                                                            
 

79.

EXT. IHOP - DAY
                                                            
Dean hops in his car and drives away.
                                                            
 
INT. DEAN'S CAR - DAY
                                                            
Dean has a cell phone to his ear. He opens one of Myron's
trash bags and takes out an envelope. Dean tears open the
envelope and pockets the cash. He reads the letter, laughs,
and crumples it up.
                                                            
                       DEAN
How much is the reward for Myron
Beasley?
                                                            
Dean takes more envelopes out of Myron's bag.
                                                            
 
INT. IHOP - DAY
                                                            
A HENDERSON POLICEMAN strides over to Myron with several
officers.
                                                            
                       HENDERSON POLICEMAN
Myron Beasley?
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yes.
                                                            
                       HENDERSON POLICEMAN
You're under arrest for grand
larceny and fraud. Stand and put
your hands behind your back.
                                                            
 
EXT. COURTHOUSE, SANTA ANA, CA - DAY
                                                            
The American and California flags wave in front of the tall
building.
                                                            
 
INT. JUDGE BEAGLE'S COURTROOM - DAY
                                                            
Seated in the packed courtroom are the swindled victims.
Also in attendance are Joe, Rachel, and Lisa.
                                                            
JUDGE BEAGLE (63), large, black, enters through a side door
with a noticeable limp. The BAILIFF (50), scrawny, stands
off to the side.
                                                            

80.

                       BAILIFF
All rise for the honorable Judge
Beagle!
                                                            
Everyone stands with stern looks toward Myron and his
lawyer, MR. PRESTON (50), bug eyed, wimp. Judge Beagle
takes a seat. On his bench is a framed photo of a Boston Red
Sox player.
                                                            
                       JUDGE BEAGLE
You may be seated. Mr. Beasley,
I've spent many hours reviewing
your case and I'm familiar with
the blackouts.
                                                            
He scans a paper.
                                                            
                       JUDGE BEAGLE
You don't show any previous
arrests, so it is my belief that
you are not a dangerous person.
With that in mind, the court has
decided it will test market a
sentence.
                                                            
He reads from a sheet of paper.
                                                            
                       JUDGE BEAGLE
Myron Beasley, you are hereby
sentenced to one thousand hours of
community service.
                                                            
GRUMBLING. Incredulous looks flash across the victims.
                                                            
                       JUDGE BEAGLE
Should you steal or swindle, you
will be immediately incarcerated.
                                                            
Judge Beagle unravels a giant poster of a goofy looking
Myron.
                                                            
                       JUDGE BEAGLE
To make sure you adhere to this
sentence, the court is encouraging
everyone to put up copies of this
poster. Do I make myself clear?
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yes, sir.
                                                            
He SLAMS the gavel.
                                                            

81.

                       BAILIFF
All rise!
                                                            
The people GRUMBLE. Joe, Rachel, and Lisa show relief.
Judge Beagle limps out.
                                                            
                       MR. PRESTON
I've never heard of such a
sentence. You're lucky to have me
as your lawyer.
                                                            
 
EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Myron, Joe, Rachel, Lisa, and Mr. Preston walk down the
courthouse steps. They see the Vegas Club goon squad.
                                                            
                       MR. PRESTON
You know them?
                                                            
                       MYRON
Those are the Vegas Club boys.
They're not going to be happy.
                                                            
                       MR. PRESTON
Well, good luck.
                                                            
The scared lawyer races off. Myron and the others move past
the goon squad.
                                                            
                       BRADLEY
You got off easy, Beasley! Nobody
likes that sentence!
                                                            
The swindled victims follow Myron.
                                                            
                       MRS. MOTT
He made me buy him a meal!
                                                            
                       PICKUP COUNTER WORKER
He stole people's food right off
the pickup counter!
                                                            
                       TERI
Boy, can he put away food. You're
a human garbage disposal!
                                                            
                       PETE BONDS
He said he was a food critic. At
my dive restaurant?
                                                            

82.

                       MEL
We picked him up in a limo in
front of "his" mansion. Mister
trash bag luggage man.
                                                            
                       MRS. MOTT
Lord, please forgive me. You're a
dirty, rotten, no good, scoundrel!
                                                            
                       MR. CHOW
Nobody play worm trick on Mr.
Chow!
                                                            
 
INT. LIQUOR STORE - DAY
                                                            
Myron hauls heavy boxes and stocks shelves.
                                                            
 
EXT. BAKERY - NIGHT
                                                            
Myron stands at the front door. The goofy poster of him is
in the window. A policeman in a patrol car watches him from
across the street. Paul unlocks the door and Myron enters.
                                                            
 
INT. BAKERY - NIGHT
                                                            
A wall clock reads "3:03 A.M."
                                                            
                       PAUL
Your community service said for
you to be here at three. Don't be
late again.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yes, sir.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Grab a mop and start on the
floors.
                                                            
MONTAGE - MYRON WORKS
                                                            
--He mops the floor.

--He cleans the display cases.

--He cleans the windows.

--He arranges the tables and chairs.

--He makes donuts at a deep fryer.
                                                            

83.

Paul sits at one of the tables with his feet comfortably
elevated on a chair. Paul and Betty observe Myron arrange
pastries and donuts in the display case.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Two chocolate devils and don't
forget the napkins.
                                                            
Myron brings him the donuts and napkins.
                                                            
                       BETTY
You're not so snobby now, are you?
                                                            
                       MYRON
You have to do this everyday?
                                                            
                       PAUL
Yup. Get used to it.
                                                            
                       BETTY
Be on time tomorrow.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yes, ma'am.
                                                            
Myron looks at his watch and dashes out.
                                                            
 
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
                                                            
Myron enters out of breath. It's packed with customers,
including Myron's swindled victims. Several employees take
orders and pour coffee.
                                                            
                       PETER
It's about time, Melvin.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Sorry I'm late, sir. My name's
Myron.
                                                            
                       PETER
Whatever.
                                                            
Peter hands him a mop.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Is it Peter or Paul? I keep
forgetting.
                                                            
                       PETER
Peter.
                                                            

84.

Some of the swindled victims march over to Myron.
                                                            
                       MEL
When am I going to see my money?
                                                            
                       LANDLORD
Deadbeat.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I was about to mail it out to all
of you. It got stolen.
                                                            
                       MEL
Yeah, right. They found your
trash bags in the abandoned sports
car, but no envelopes with money.
                                                            
                       TERI
Isn't that convenient?
                                                            
                       MR. CHOW
When you going to mop my floors?
                                                            
The patrons laugh. Lisa watches Myron from a corner. Pedro
enters with a bag of oranges.
                                                            
                       PEDRO
It's a wonderful day, isn't it
senor?
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yes, sir.
                                                            
Pedro gives the oranges to Lisa. Lisa points to soap at a
sink. Myron scrubs his hands.
                                                            
Lisa helps Myron load orange halves into the juice machine.
A tiny amount of orange juice comes out the spigot.
                                                            
                       PETER
Bring me a large orange juice, and
not so much pulp!
                                                            
                       MYRON
Yes, sir.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
                       MYRON
You have to do this everyday?
                                                            

85.

                       LISA
Of course. Our customers depend
on us...gets their day going.
                                                            
Lisa sees Myron has a wide-eyed look aimed past the front
doors. Myron zombie strolls toward the front doors.
                                                            
 
EXT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
                                                            
Myron opens the front doors with mouth agape. Lisa watches
him from the threshold.
                                                            
Myron takes in the bustling street. He sees people driving
to work. He watches truck drivers unloading trucks.
                                                            
Myron watches trash collectors, street vendors, street
cleaners, and bus drivers go about their work.
                                                            
Myron sees a policeman giving directions to an elderly lady.
                                                            
Myron lights up. Lisa watches him march over to the elderly
lady and help her cross the street. Lisa grins.
                                                            
 
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - DAY
                                                            
Lisa, Joe, and Rachel watch Myron teach little leaguers how
to hit and field. They walk over to Myron.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Hi!
                                                            
                       LISA
You're a natural at this.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Thanks.
                                                            
                       JOE
Why don't you move back in, son?
                                                            
                       MYRON
I can't. We don't need the Vegas
Club boys showing up at the house.
                                                            
 
EXT. PARK - DAY
                                                            
Myron and Keith empty trash cans and rake leaves.
                                                            
 

86.

EXT. PARK - NIGHT
                                                            
Myron smiles as he reads thank you cards from his "ME" file.
He puts the file in one of his trash bags.
                                                            
Myron and Keith get settled in their makeshift beds.
                                                            
                       MYRON
What were you doing before this?
                                                            
                       KEITH
I was a stockbroker with one of
the big firms...before I got let
go.
                                                            
A young couple kisses outside their Mercedes-Benz.
                                                            
                       KEITH
I dealt with a lot of wealthy
people like them. Funny thing is,
a lot of them aren't happy, Beas.
                                                            
                       MYRON
They aren't?
                                                            
                       KEITH
Sometimes, people take people for
granted.
                                                            
Keith tosses a plastic cup at Myron. The cup strikes Myron.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Okay, I'm sorry I wasn't always
nice to you.
                                                            
                       KEITH
Treat people the way you want to
be treated.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Okay.
                                                            
Myron HEARS a SOUND. He sees the Vegas Club goon squad and
takes off. Bradley spots Myron.
                                                            
                       BRADLEY
There he is!
                                                            
Myron runs through the park and down an embankment. The
goons can't keep up.
                                                            
Myron FALLS into a POND. DUCKS SCATTER. Myron slips and
slides on the muddy bank. The goon squad closes in.
                                                            

87.

Myron comes to a dead end wall. He looks back. The goons
close in. Bradley HEARS a WHISTLE.
                                                            
                       BRADLEY
Finish him!
                                                            
The goon squad FIRES at Myron who falls to the ground. The
goon squad runs off.
                                                            
Lisa's BLOWS a WHISTLE as she runs down the embankment.
                                                            
                       LISA
Myron! Oh, my God! No!
                                                            
She places her arm under his neck.
                                                            
                       LISA
Please! No!
                                                            
Lisa frantically checks Myron's body for bullet holes.
                                                            
She POUNDS on his chest and gives him chest compressions.
She gives him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. She listens for
a heartbeat. She SOBS.
                                                            
Bradley holds a cellphone to his ear.
                                                            
                       BRADLEY
The Beas has stopped buzzing.
                                                            
Myron wakes up.
                                                            
                       LISA
You're alive!
                                                            
Lisa helps Myron to his feet.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I blacked out.
                                                            
 
INT. CUMMINGS RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Myron sits on a couch surrounded by the bland interior. A
fly lands on the coffee table in front of him. Myron rolls
up a magazine and prepares to strike the fly.
                                                            
                       LISA
Don't!
                                                            
Lisa disappears into the kitchen and reappears with a jar.
                                                            

88.

Lisa places the jar over the fly, trapping it. She reaches
for the rolled up magazine from Myron while keeping an eye
on the trapped fly. Myron and Lisa accidentally touch,
startling each other. The two gaze at each other.
                                                            
                       LISA
You're going to get killed.
                                                            
Lisa tears off a magazine page. She slides the paper under
the mouth of the jar.
                                                            
She carries the jar out the front door and releases the fly.
                                                            
Myron flips through a photo album.
                                                            
                       MYRON
You seem to always show up at just
the right time...always walked by
my house when I left for school.
                                                            
                       LISA
I used to hide behind a tree so I
could walk to school with you.
                                                            
He laughs.
                                                            
                       LISA
What's so funny?
                                                            
                       MYRON
I must've had a hundred people
tell me you were hiding behind
that tree.
                                                            
                       LISA
Why didn't you ask me out? You
knew I was interested.
                                                            
                       MYRON
I was practicing sports so much I
didn't have much time for anything
else.
                                                            
She leans toward him.
                                                            
                       LISA
You're not busy now.
                                                            
                       MYRON
Work is for those who have nothing
better to do with their time.
                                                            

89.

They laugh, and then gazing into each other's eyes, they
kiss.
                                                            
                       LISA
Hey Beas, hit the showers. You
stink.
                                                            
BATHROOM
                                                            
Myron takes a shower and gets a haircut from Lisa.
                                                            
LIVING ROOM
                                                            
Myron sleeps on the couch. Lisa pulls a blanket over him,
and gives him a kiss.
                                                            
 
INT. CUMMINGS RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Myron wakes up. He writes a letter.
                                                            
INSERT - THE LETTER
                                                            
Dear Lisa,

I hope to have more nights like last night, but I can't let
you get involved, because it would put you in danger. I'll
return when things blow over as things always work out for
the best.

Love and best wishes always, Myron
                                                            
Myron SNIFFLES, then places a rose on top of the letter. He
dries his eyes with his shirt sleeves and leaves.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - DAY
                                                            
Myron walks past stores. His poster is in all the windows.
                                                            
Store owners see Myron. They turn their "OPEN" signs around
to read "CLOSED."
                                            &nb