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Life on Robitussin
by Vic Ruthenbeck (vruthenbeck@gmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ****
Life on Robitussin is a comical romp following three College roommates who discover drinking an entire bottle of Robitussin inspires more than a cheap high. Their crazy adventures challenge University Policy and question what it is to be young, numb, and in College.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


20 year old TYLER "STICK" WILLIAMS walks quickly through a
crowded outdoor College concourse. He stares wide eyed at
the front page of the College Newspaper clutched in his
hands. The headline reads "Robo cult exposed!".
We're so screwed.
He hastily tucks the paper under his arm, pulls his cell
phone from his pocket and punches in a number.
Yo, CLYDE'S occupied, leave a
message, I'll hit'cha back.
Tyler punches in another number.
You've reached RALPH'S digits. Do
what you do at the beep.
      (Into phone)
God damn it, will one of you two
answer your phones?
      (A beat)
We're in trouble, I mean big ass
Just call me as soon as you get
Tyler nervously glances around him as he continues to hurry
through campus. He spots numerous students passing him and
on benches all reading the school paper. His expression is
one of panic.
Come on, pick up.


Yo, Clyde's occupied, leave a
message, I'll hit'cha back.
      (Into phone)
Dude, its STICK, you need to call
me right away, like now!
Tyler hangs up and puts his phone in his pocket. He spots
reading the school paper. One looks directly at Tyler with
recognition, points and mouths "That's one of them" to the
other student.
Shit!That goddamn MARY!
Tyler breaks into a jog and disappears into a crowd of
Tyler steps off a transit bus in front of a large apartment
complex bustling with young college students. He pauses to
take in his surroundings, adjusts his backpack, then walks
toward the Complex. 2 male students rush past him to catch
the bus.
                       DUDE ONE
      (Passes by)
Yo Stick what's up?
Sky ain't fallin'.
                       DUDE TWO
      (Nods his head)
Stick my man.
Tyler continues down the sidewalk and A HOT GIRL approaches
with a friendly smile.
                       HOT GIRL
Hey Stick, going to BRIT'S party
tomorrow night?
Tyler slows but keeps walking.


That's the plan, see you there?
                       HOT GIRL
Most definitely. Hey, make sure
you bring JAM and RALPHY with you!
Never go to a party without'em.
Tyler walks through his front door and into his apartment.
He stops in the living room and notices his roommate, RALPH,
partially wrapped in a blanket sitting on the couch watching
a nature show. Ralph is in his late teens and wears sweats
and a tee shirt. The table in front of him is littered with
balls of used Kleenex, squished Caprisun juice containers
and a lone empty bottle of Cough Syrup.
Yo Ralphy, what's up my man, you
feelin' any better?"
      (Still watching TV)
You could say that Stick...yeah,
you could most definitely say
Oh Yeah? That's good cuz I thought
you were gonna die last night.
I'm better now, like, really
      (Points to TV)
This shits intense...it's like a
metaphor for life.
Tyler drops his backpack next to the couch.
What is, the TV?
No man, this show.
      (A beat)
But yeah, the TV too.


What'cha watchin'? Looks like some
kinda fucked up nature show.
It's life dude. Check it out, the
insect kingdom...Bug wars, big
against small, thriving colonies
devouring smaller colonies. Just
like us man, we're like the
      (A beat)
It's so obvious to me now.
From behind Tyler a boy with slightly darker skin in his
early twenties walks up.
Run Stick, save yourself while you
Tyler spins around startled and faces his other roommate
Oh yo, what's up Jam?
Dude, even though you dropped the
Toe from the Jam, it still ain't
cool.I'm not down with this
nickname shit you guys are pushin'
on me.
Now that hurts. You know how much
time Ralphy and I spent coming up
with your nickname.
But yours makes sense. Your name
is TYLER, so Ty Stick, that works,
but Toe Jam? Come on man, that
shit just ain't right.
      (Laughs playfully)
That's the thing about nicknames,
people choose them for you, you
don't get to pick your own.
Why the hell not?


If people picked their own
nicknames you'd have dudes walkin'
around calling themselves Ranger
or T-Rex.
Man, that's bullshit. Rappers name
themselves all the time.
That's different.
Check it out guys. See how that
wasp killed that Tarantula and is
draggin' it back to its wasp hole?
It's a clear example of a
multi-national corporation getting
overcome and beatin' by the
smaller independent business
owner. The little man slaying the
giant...oh shit...David and
Goliath man, played out in nature!
Tyler gestures toward Ralph with a curious expression.
So what's with Ralphy?
That's what I was tryin' to warn
you about, man. He's been like
this for the last few hours, ever
since he drank that entire bottle
of cough syrup.
      (A beat)
And why does he get to be Ralphy
anyway? I mean his names fuckin'
Ralph and his nicknames Ralphy?
It's not so much a nickname as an
extension of his original name.
Anyway, it just kinda fits cuz of
that movie.
What movie?


You know, Ralphy, from the movie
Christmas Story. You never saw
Christmas Story? Man, now you're
talkin' some weird ass shit like
he's been doin'. Look, all I'm
sayin' is, my names Clyde. I like
it when people call me Clyde. Toe
Jam doesn't work for me.
Yeah, but you got some smelly ass
feet dude. You earned that
nickname. And besides man, I've
been droppin' the Toe around
campus so you're mostly just Jam
Oh, I see how it really is. Yeah,
just cuz I'm black and my dad
named me after his favorite NBA
player, Clyde "the glide" Drexler,
now you think you can call me Jam?
Like jam the basketball, cuz I'm
black. Your a fuckin' racist.
What the? Dude, you're not even
black. Your like one quarter
How do you figure that?
Its pretty fuckin' simple, dude.
Your dads white and your moms half
black. That makes you a quarter
      (A beat)
And really, come on, Jam the
basketball? Your vertical is like
3 inches, just like your dick.
Oh now your attackin' my dick...


Wait, did you say Ralphy drank an
entire bottle of cough syrup?
Yeah man, the whole fuckin' thing.
You're only supposed to drink like
2 table spoons or sumethin', but
he kept chuggin', know what I
Dude, he's never even had aspirin
before. He hasn't done any drugs
of any kind his whole life. It's
that religion thing of
his...what's it called?
Scientologist, Christian
Scientology or sumthin'?
It's Christian Science man, way to
pay attention.
Yeah that's it, Christian Science.
But what I'm sayin' is, he's like
a virgin to drugs. And then
suddenly he pops his own cherry by
downin' an entire bottle of cough
Yeah, I know right? I already
called Poison Control to see if I
needed to take him to the hospital
and have his stomach pumped.
What'd they say?
Said he'd be ok and to just ride
it out with him.
Ride it out with him?
Yeah, baby sit him, make sure he
doesn't do anything stupid or hurt
himself. And you're up bro, cuz I
gotta get to class.


How longs it supposed to last, I
mean till he's like normal again?
They said 5 or 6 hours.There's
some kind of opiate in it,
Dextromathorphan or sumthin'.
Dextromathorphan? What's it do to
It does that, man.
Ralph is curled up in a blanket and rolling on the floor. He
stops briefly sensing he is being watched, glances back at
them and quickly pulls the blanket over his head cocooning
An Opiate huh...sounds kinda cool.
Whatever dude, he's your baggage
now, I gotta jam.
See how you used your nickname in
the third person? Jams gotta Jam.
Pretty cool, man.
Clyde heads toward the door and slings his back pack over
one shoulder.
Fuck you, dude... oh and just so
you know, I'd say Ralphy's got
about 3 more hours 'for he comes
down. Have fun!
Tyler stares at Ralph who is on his knees hugging and
licking the TV screen with his blanket wrapped around him
like a cape.
If I eat you, I can become you.


Tyler walks over to the coffee table and picks up the empty
bottle of cough syrup and examines it.
Good thing this wasn't the family
                       TYLER (V.O.)
And that's how it all started.
Innocent enough, I guess. Our drug
free college roommate crankin'
down a bottle of cough syrup and
trippin' balls. I've heard from
fuck knows who, that we rarely
recognize when significant moments
happen in our lives. Sure as shit,
this was one of those moments. And
even if we'd recognized the
moment, we still would've been
powerless to stop the events that
Ralph leads the way down a typical grocery store pharmacy
isle with Clyde and Tyler following.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
What can I say, we were all coming
to the end of our Sophomore year
in college. It was time to declare
our Majors, time to buckle down,
time to get serious about our
career paths and life. After 2
years of relatively carefree
living, shit was about to get
The 3 stop in front of the cough syrup section and Ralph
reaches for a bottle.
Wait. How do you know thats the
right one Ralphy? I mean there are
like 20 different kinds of cough
syrup here.
How can they make so many
different kinds of basically the
same thing?


Because there's a slight variation
in each that focus's on particular
symptoms of the cough or cold,
How the fuck do you know so much
about this when you've never even
taken medicine before yesterday?
It's also just another way for a
company to make more profits by
tricking the consumer into
believing they need more than one
of their products.
That's total bullshit dude.
Look, it's simple. This one claims
to cover these conditions and that
one made by the same company
claims to cover these other
Yeah, so what?
So, the average cough and cold
basically have all these symptoms
anyway. Why not just make one to
cover all the symptoms?
Because it would make sense?
Because now the consumer feels
they need both to cover
everything. Cha-ching, one sale
becomes two. Basic business man.
Ralph starts to head toward the check out with his bottle of
cough syrup in hand.


      (Shouts after)
Hey, there's cheaper kinds, why
that one?
Because this kind has
Dextromathorphan in it and that's
what gets you high.
Tyler and Clyde look at each other, shrug, and grab their
own bottle and hurry after Ralph.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
Ralphy was the first to try cough
syrup and when he came down he
couldn't stop raving about how it
expanded his consciousness and
opened his eyes. Clyde and I just
wanted something that was cheap
and got us high. I mean a bottle
of cough syrup was five bucks. It
was cheaper than a six pack, hit
of acid or Molly. Five bucks for a
six hour high, now that was worth
exploring. Of course we found out
there were rules to basically
overdosing on cough syrup.
                                         SERIES OF SHOTS
All 3 chug their cough syrup bottles in unison and then high
5 each other. Bags of chips and other munchies land on the
kitchen table and the 3 dig in with abandon. Each begin to
violently throw up; Clyde in the kitchen sink, Ralph all
over the counter, and Tyler onto the floor.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
Rule one. Never eat before
drinking your bottle. Any food
going down before or after
drinking your bottle will always,
and I mean always, come back up
with a vengeance.


Clyde, Tyler and Ralph sit in a circle and take rips off a
smoldering hookah.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
Rule two. Always smoke weed a half
hour after drinking your bottle.
Even though you've followed rule
one, your body still becomes
nauseous. I'm happy to say,weed
helps balance that particular
problem out.
Tyler takes a toke off the hookah, pauses, starts to gag and
then turns, grabs a bucket by his side with the name Stick
written on it in large letters, buries his head inside and
                       TYLER (V.O.)
Of course weeds not full proof,
which brings me to Rule Three.
Always have a bucket near by
during the first hour. Preferably
with your name written on it.
Puking into someone else's used
puke bucket generally prolongs
the experience. After that, if you
haven't puked, your not going to.
Clyde's eyes grow wide with surprise, he quickly reaches for
his bucket, Jam written vertically with an arrow pointing
downward, and wretches inside.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
Well...mostly. There's always the
possibility of the rogue heave.
Clyde, Tyler and Ralph roam their apartment living room like
zombies wrapped in their blankets. The TV and stereo are
cranked and they giggle to themselves.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
For whatever reason, Blankets are
very comforting at the peak of
your Robo high.


                                         SERIES OF SHOTS
Wrapped in his blanket, Clyde shot guns a beer. Ralph takes
a shot of Fireball. Clyde pukes violently into his bucket.
Ralph desperately grabs his bucket while spewing, but over
shoots and hits Tyler who stands next to him.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
Alcohol however...not so much,
which as you may have guessed,is
Rule Four. No drinking alcohol of
any kind. For whatever reason
Alcohol and cough syrup don't mix.
Which is odd, considering most
brands generally contain alcohol.
Don't figure.
Clyde, Tyler and Ralph walk like zombies around the quad
lawn wrapped in their blankets. They try talking to people,
but their words are gibberish. Some people are freaked out
by them while others are amused.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
Rule Five. It's best to stay
indoors and only with those that
are on cough syrup with you.
Otherwise things just get weird.
A flamboyant GAY BOY has his arm wrapped around Clyde and
leads him away from the quad. Tyler and Ralph desperately
try to follow. They move as if in slow motion and gesture
and mumble incoherently.
                       GAY BOY
I just love how you're all wrapped
up in your blanket. Like a little
pig in a blanket waiting to be
undressed. I can't wait to get you
into my apartment...and into you.
Clyde feebly tries to break away and looks panicked over his
shoulder at Tyler and Ralph who grow further and further
No...piggie in blanket...no


                       TYLER (V.O.)
We like to stress Rule Five, which
for undisclosed reasons, we now
call the Clyde Rule.
Clyde, shirtless, staggers through their apartment front
door dragging his blanket. Tyler and Ralph stumble over to
him and they all embrace in tearful reunion.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
Cough syrup basically affects
everyone the same way. While it
destroys your motor skills,
reducing your body to that of a
serious drunk, or what we like to
call "the Zombie walk", your mind
is sharp and alert...
Tyler stares at the TV filled with static and traces the
lines with his finger, he turns with an idiotic grin on his
                       TYLER (V.O.)
Ok, so the sharp and alert part
doesn't happen until the Opiate
kicks in. And when it does, the
real fun begins. Ralphy was right.
cough syrup opens the
consciousness and expands your
horizon's. At least it did for us
and for those we convinced, or
tricked, into doing it with us.
And, as you may have guessed, we
created a pretty big following.
                                         CUT TO
Fifty random students, all wrapped in blankets, do the
"Zombie walk" around the apartment complex quad. They giggle
and laugh at nothing in particular.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
I mean what average college
student doesn't want to try
something new? Something mind


                       TYLER (V.O.) (cont'd)
altering and relatively unknown?
After all, College is about
letting go and self exploration,
Tyler stands at the Bus Stop and talks to the Hot Girl.
                       HOT GIRL
      (Skeptical look)
Wait, can you repeat those rules
Sure, basically they go like
                       HOT GIRL
      (Walks away)
You know what, don't bother. That
just sounds totally disgusting.
Clyde and Ralph are at a party and talk to Dude One and Dude
                       DUDE ONE
You guys are fucking crazy. No way
I'm doin' that, man.
Trust me, its not that bad.
Yeah dude, it's the destination
that counts, not the ride that
gets you there. Besides, the bad
shits over in an hour. You barely
notice it.
                       DUDE TWO
Whatever dude,bring my own puke
bucket and blanket? Fuck that man,
I ain't that hard up.


                       DUDE ONE
Yeah man, you guys have fun
heavin' on each other and shit.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
Ok, so convincing our fellow
students to try cough syrup was a
little more difficult than we
originally thought. Fortunately,
Ralphy came up with an absolutely
brilliant new and improved
marketing plan.
A fuckin' club? Dude, that's the
gayest thing I've ever heard.
Yeah man, come on. Club's are for
geeks and tweeks.
      (Smiles slyly)
Not if it was an exclusive club.
Kind of like Fight Club or The
Breakfast Club, something like
Wow, two polar opposite clubs as
      (A beat)
What do you think Jamster?
Anythings better than what we got
workin' for us now. Let's give it
a go.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
And that's how the exclusive ROBO
CLUB was officially born.
Clyde is at a party talking to a MALE STUDENT.


So, if you're down, I think I can
talk the other guys into lettin'
you in. What do you say, you want
                       MALE STUDENT
Hell yeah I want in, you really
think you can convince'em?
You gotta good chance my man, a
real good chance.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
I don't know what it is about
starting an exclusive club, but
when you do, suddenly everyone
wants in.
Ralph walks through campus on his way to class. From behind
MALE STUDENT #2 chases him down.
                       MALE STUDENT #2
Hey yo, yo Ralphy man, slow down.
Oh you...what's up, man?
                       MALE STUDENT #2
Did you talk to Jam and Stick yet?
I want in man, I want in the club.
Yeah man, I know you do. It just
takes time, so chill. I'll let you
know as soon as I know. Cool?
                       MALE STUDENT #2
Ok man, yeah, cool.You'll call
      (Walks away)
As soon as I hear.


                       TYLER (V.O.)
Of course we didn't call it cough
syrup anymore. It was just Robo,
and as far as anyone knew, it was
our own creation.
                                         SERIES OF SHOTS
Clyde, Tyler and Ralph are huddled around a computer screen
with an image of their new Robo label. All 3 are in their
kitchen bent over a line of empty, newly logo'd Robo bottles
that stretch across the counter. They drop a funnel into the
first bottle and fill it with a family size bottle of cough
                       TYLER (V.O.)
We simply employed a little time
proven strategy know as pirating.
No harm, no foul. Unless we got
caught. Oh, and we charged 3 times
the price of regular cough syrup.
I mean, running an exclusive club
ain't cheap, nor is it time
effective. Between the Club,
college, and part time employment,
it was clear something had to go.
And by this point, we were
beginning to question everything.
Ralph sits in a waiting room with 2 other students and plays
a video game on his phone. The other students study while
they wait. An office door with a plaque reading Student
Counselor opens and 2 females emerge.
                       FEMALE STUDENT
Thank you so much MS.
JENKIN'S,you've been a life
saver!Your like the best College
Advisor I could have ever asked
                       MS. JENKIN'S
I like to think of myself as a
career savior, my dear. I'm
pleased I could help and that you
listened. At this stage my
guidance only works for those who
truly listen, not just to me, but


                       MS. JENKIN'S (cont'd)
to themselves.
The girl smiles affectionately at Ms.Jenkins and then walks
past Ralph and out of the office. Ms. Jenkin's looks at
                       MS. JENKIN'S
You're up Mr. Newton.
Ralph is fully engaged in his video game and doesn't
                       MS. JENKIN'S
      (a beat)
Huh? What?
                       MS. JENKIN'S
Please step into my office, if
it's not too much of an
inconvenience for you.
Oh right, sorry, my bad.
Ralph stuffs his phone into his pocket as he stands and
follows Ms. Jenkin's into her modestly decorated office.
Ms. Jenkins sits down at a small kitchenette style table set
away from her larger work desk where an older distinguished
man in a three piece suit sits. There is a stack of student
files in front of her and she opens Ralph's.
Ralph glances at the man briefly.
                       MS. JENKIN'S
So Ralph, how goes it?
Good, things are good. Mostly. You
know how it is.


                       MS. JENKIN'S
Please, have a seat and enlighten
Ralph sits in the empty chair across from Ms.Jenkin's and
glances again at the man behind the desk.
President Kimbrough stands and walks from around the desk
and extends his hand to Ralph.
                       PRESIDENT KIMBROUGH
That's correct, I am the Dean of
this University.
Ralph stares nervously at President Kimbrough and
reluctantly shakes his hand.
Am I in some kinda trouble?
President Kimbrough fixes Ralph with a hard stare.
                       PRESIDENT KIMBROUGH
I don't know, should you be?
                       MS. JENKIN'S
You're not in any trouble Ralph.
President Kimbrough drops in from
time to time to observe counseling
President Kimbrough immediately lightens his mood and
Ralph laughs nervously.
                       PRESIDENT KIMBROUGH
At ease Mr. Newton.
Looks at Ms. Jenkin's.
                       PRESIDENT KIMBROUGH
Thank you for your time Ms.
Jenkin's and your solid work.
You're a fine addition to this
      (To Ralph)
You're in good hands, son. Make
the most of the tools Ms. Jenkin's
offers you.


President Kimbrough opens the office door and leaves closing
the door behind him.
Well that was totally weird.
Ms. Jenkin's gives Ralph a long hard look, then glances back
down at the file in front of her and quickly flips through a
few pages.
                       MS. JENKIN'S
You were saying?
Right...I'm feeling like I want to
change my direction.
Ms. Jenkin's looks up with raised eye brows.
                       MS. JENKIN'S
You mean change your Major?
Well, I haven't officially
declared yet, so it's my
understanding I can change if I
want to.
                       MS. JENKIN'S
Of course you can. Except you
realize when you decided you
wanted to be an Art Major we
designed your curriculum
requirements around that
particular Major choice. What
other Major are you contemplating?
I'm thinking Business.
                       MS. JENKIN'S
That's a pretty big change, Ralph.
Can I ask why the sudden interest?
I don't know. I've been watching a
lot of nature shows lately and
seeing some parallels. Also my
roommates and I started this sort
of like, club, and...


                       MS. JENKIN'S
Nature shows?
      (Leans forward)
You mean to tell me that by
watching some nature shows, this
caused you to reconsider your
Major from Art to Business?
Yeah, I guess so. Sounds kinda odd
hearing you say it that way.
                       MS. JENKIN'S
You think? Sounds pretty odd
hearing you say it too.
      (A beat)
When we had our first councling
session you shared with me that
you had never done any drugs.
Ralph laughs nervously and Ms. Jenkins fixes him with a
curious look.
What's your point?
                       MS. JENKIN'S
Are you still drug free, Ralph?
Ralph sighs and glances at the ceiling briefly then back at
Ms. Jenkins who nods her head.
                       MS. JENKIN'S
I see.
      (a beat)
If you want my advice Ralph, I
would hang tight for a bit. You
have another 2 months to make a
final decision. So, if in 2 months
you still want to switch, we can
look at that and change gears so
to speak.
Change gears, huh?
                       MS. JENKIN'S
Just know that if you follow
through with this, it will add
about a year to your graduation


What? A whole Fuckin' year?
                       MS. JENKIN'S
Language, Ralph.
Sorry. So, you mean to tell me if
I switch Majors, it will add a
whole F'n year?
                       MS. JENKIN'S
      (Rolls her eyes)
Yes, that's what I'm saying.
You see why I want to change my
Major? I mean this is a perfect
example. Business is all about
fucking. Sorry. All about F'n.
                       MS. JENKIN'S
I don't follow.
Business is about maximizing
profits. By adding another year to
my college education, this school
stands to make another 20 to 30
grand off me. Just because I want
to change my Major. That means I
just got F'd. What most people
don't seem to grasp, is that
College is a business. Its in
business to provide the illusion
of necessity.
                       MS. JENKIN'S
The illusion of necessity?
                       MS. JENKIN'S
Ralph, College is an Academic
Ms. Jenkin's, College is the
greatest scam ever perpetuated.
Their sole value is to deceive the
world into thinking they need
their graduates, or if you will,


                       RALPH (cont'd)
their product. A College is
nothing more than a manufacturing
plant and the world their
consumer. Its diabolical really.
                       MS. JENKIN'S
Diabolical? Ralph, I think you're
a tad off base in your logic.
Am I?
      (A beat)
At the end of the day a College
doesn't even have to sell their
product to be successful. Their
success lies in the belief that
they enhance ones chances of
gaining superior employment. All
they need to do is sucker you to
sign up.
                       MS. JENKIN'S
I think your forgetting that
Colleges are in demand and select
who can and cannot attend.
And that's the beauty of the
deception. The more exclusive you
are, the more people want in, and
the more the College can charge.If
it's one thing I've learned in
starting my own club, it's that.
                       MS. JENKIN'S
I wouldn't compare a College to a
club, Ralph.
Let me ask you this. How many
graduates actually go into their
respective fields?
                       MS. JENKIN'S
Its true, the percentages are low
And how in dept is the average
student when they graduate?


                       MS. JENKIN'S
Obviously that varies from
institution to institution.
And what about the number of
graduates that can't find gainful
employment and end up in low
level, low paying jobs? Jobs
anyone could get, and do get,
without a College diploma.
                       MS. JENKIN'S
There are a number of factors that
play into the roll of employment,
Ralph. It's not so cut and dry.
That's not the point. The point is
that the College manufacturing
plant keeps pumping out new
product year after year, whether
the consumer is buying or not. And
people keep lining up, regardless,
to get a piece of the illusion
College sells. I think it's
brilliant, and quite frankly, I
want to learn how to fuck instead
of be fucked.
Pardon the language.
                       MS. JENKIN'S
You know what, Ralph?
                       MS. JENKIN'S
I don't think we need to wait two
more months.
      (Closes his file)
I'm recommending your Major switch
to Business immediately.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
The Insect Kingdom really did a
number on Ralphy. Or again, maybe
it was the Robo. Regardless, he
morphed from an art loving, drug
free soul, into a entrepreneurial
savage with a lust to try every
drug he could get his hands on.


Ralph stands next to Dude One who hands him a small square
piece of paper.
What is it?
                       DUDE ONE
Tongue slap, man.
Ralph fixes him with a confused look.
                       DUDE ONE
Acid, dude, it's acid.
Ralph shrugs favorably and pops it in his mouth.
The Hot Girl smiles at Ralph and seductively unfolds his
fingers, caresses his palm, and drops a capsule into his
open hand.
What is it?
                       HOT GIRL
It's Molly baby, MDMA, gonna make
everything feel sooooo good.
Ralph looks at her, looks at the pill, back at her, smiles
and pops it in his mouth.
                                         SERIES OF SHOTS
"It's Hydrocodone" Ralph pops it in his mouth. "It's a time
release Morphine pill" Ralph pops it in his mouth.
"Percocet" Pops it in his mouth. "Muscle relaxer" Pops it in
his mouth."Vicodin" Pops it in his mouth. "Xanex" Pops it in
his mouth.
Ralph and Dude Two stand on a crowded deck with a dozen
partying students.
                       DUDE TWO
It's a Laxative. Trust me dude,
you want to use this only if you
absolutely have to.


Ralph looks at it curiously, grins and pops it in his mouth.
                       DUDE TWO
Bad call, Dude.
Ralph runs down an apartment hallway toward the bathroom
desperately clutching the back of his pants. The hallway is
lined with party goers and there is a line to the bathroom.
Oh god, oh please, hurry, get outa
my way!
Ralph shoves through the bathroom line and reaches for the
door knob.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
I wish I could tell you he made
it. But that's the way it went for
Ralphy. Every night was a
different drug. He was a deprived
mad scientist whose time of grand
experimentation was at hand. Now
Clyde on the other hand? He was a
different head case.
Clyde and Tyler are at the Second Tee box and wait for a
foursome of College Seniors to finish teeing off.
So your serious? Your going to
change your Major?
Yeah, dude...Finance just isn't me
Whatever, Jambolia. As long as
I've known you, that's all you've
ever talked about. Finance this,
Finance that, make some serious
coin. Sound remotely familiar?


What? A guy can't change his mind?
That's not what I'm sayin'. What
I'm sayin' is, why the sudden
change? I mean, you've been pretty
fucking gung-ho about Finance up
to this point.
Maybe I'm just not into that
elitist bullshit anymore.
The last of the foursome tee's up and glances back at Clyde
and Ralph, annoyed by their banter.
And here we are playing golf...
Yeah, so?
Tyler pauses as the Senior tee's off. Both Clyde and Tyler
smirk as he slices his shot and casts them an agitated
glance while grabbing his tee.
Mistake me if I'm wrong, but
wasn't one of the founding reasons
why you were so jacked about
Finance, is because it provides an
above average income?
They approach the tee box.
It's a perk, yeah, but what's that
gotta do with golf?
Tyler pushes his tee into the ground and plops his ball on
Funny you should ask. This is the
College Track, and because we're
students, we pay next to nothing
to play 18. Once we leave this
fine institution, and wanna play
golf, its gonna cost bank.


Clyde points to the golf club in Tyler's hand.
Dude, you sure you want to use the
Big Dog on this hole? It's a par
3, 170 yards to the green.
You know I suck. I know I
suck...I'm lucky to hit this bitch
a buck fifty with this stick. It's
my best option and stop avoiding
the question.
Wait, what was the question again?
Tyler watches as the Senior foursome approach the green to
put. He sighs, purses his lips, lines up on the ball and
The foursome on the green duck in various protective
positions as the ball sails over their heads and 30 yards
past the green.
Shit! Now I hit the Driver.
      (Glances at Clyde)
Don't say a fuckin' word.
Clyde passes Tyler and approaches the Tee box flaunting his
club in front of him.
Seven Iron. Watch and learn.
Clyde tee's up, swings, and knocks it on the green a foot
from where one of the foursome is putting. The put goes wide
and the senior looks back at the tee box and begins to shout
and wave his putter angrily at Clyde.
See, you rock this game. Not to
mention, you love it.
      (Shrugs sadly)
You're sure going to miss it.


Miss it?
No money, no golf. Didn't you just
say you're not into the elitist
bullshit of Finance? I got news
for you bro, golf is elitist. You
don't have to be elitist to play,
but to play? Yeah, you kinda need
disposable income.
Whatever, dude. I didn't say I
wasn't into money, just the
occupation of Finance.
And you know how you like to shred
the slopes? You can kiss that
goodbye too. Might as well just
sell your snowboard on Craig's
List. Maybe trade it for a Long
Board cuz that's all you'll be
able to afford. Good old fashioned
leg power.
They walk off the tee and to their golf cart.
Your a dick, you know that?
      (Pauses briefly)
Look, I'm thinking of taking next
semester off to try and figure my
shit out. You should take it off
with me. You can't tell me your
not questioning this whole college
thing. I mean, last I heard, you
still haven't declared. What's up
with that?
Clyde drops his club into his golf bag strapped to the rear
of the golf cart.
It's a little thing called grades.
I've kinda let those slide lately.
Lack of focus, dude. You need to
recalibrate your shit. Ralphy too.
      (Pauses briefly)
Well, maybe not Ralphy. He seems


                       CLYDE (cont'd)
pretty fixated on his new Art of
Tyler drops his club into his golf bag and they head to the
front of the cart.
He's fixated on over dosing, dude.
Where is he anyway, weren't we
supposed to be a threesome?
Who knows? He's probably trippin'
on Bath Salts at some Business
We gotta sit his ass down and have
some sort of intervention before
Ralphy can't ralph no more and
kicks it, know what I mean?
It's decided then. We'll all take
next semester off.
Clyde hops behind the wheel of the golf cart and Tyler jumps
in next to him. Tyler fixes Clyde with a no nonsense
      (Shakes his head)
No way in hell that's happenin',
dude. Absolutely. Positively. No
Clyde, Tyler and Ralph are camped out on their living room
Ok, so now that we all agree on
taking next semester off, what's
the plan?
Clyde and Ralph glance at each other.
That is the plan.


Yeah, dude. Taking the semester
off is the plan.
Right, I get that part. But what
do we do with our spare time? If
we aren't going to class and
studying, what are we doing?
Clyde and Ralph shrug.
Cuz, I ain't hangin' out in this
apartment drinkin' Robo all day
with you addicts.
We could grow our Robo Club base.
I figure if we can increase by 75%
we could probably pay our rent off
the profits alone.
Fuck that. Our Club's gettin' out
of control as it is. I don't know
about either of you, but I'm
burnin' out on being the kings of
Robo world. I mean, it's like the
only thing people associate us
with anymore.
Right?! Its so rad, man. I love
We need to get away. Leave.
Leave College? I only meant we
take the semester off, not leave.
Look. If we stay here, we won't
get any perspective. We need to
get out into the real world.
I like it here, leaving could be


Fine, stay here wrapped in your
little blanket and increase our
Club base. I'm bailin'. You with
me Jammer?
      (A beat)
Dart Trip.
Yeah...Dart Trip. Good call. But
we don't use the normal state map.
We use the entire United States
You guys are crazy.
You in, Ralphy?
Yeah...I'm in.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
Dart trips were something we
developed for Robo Club. It was an
exception to Rule five, the Clyde
Rule. The idea was to throw a
dart, blindfolded, at our state
Ralph is blindfolded and is being spun in a tight circle by
Clyde. Surrounding them is a group of twenty ROBO CLUB
MEMBERS who chant "Dart, Dart, Dart...". Clyde steadies
Ralph and faces him toward a distant map pinned against the
back of their living room wall. Ralph cocks his arm and
throws the dart hitting the map. The crowd surges toward the
map as Ralph lifts his blindfold.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
...and where ever it landed the
Robo Club traveled for their next
Robo high. We descended on


Twenty Robo Club members roam the nearly deserted one street
town all wrapped in their blankets. A conservative OLD WOMEN
stands in front of a small country store and stares at them
shaking her head disapprovingly.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
...on Parks...
The same twenty Robo members wander around a family park
wrapped in their blankets. Parents quickly pack up, gather
their children and run from the park. The same old lady from
town stands by a large oak tree continuing to shake her head
                       TYLER (V.O.)
...on private property...
The same twenty Robo Members wrapped in their blankets roam
through a pasture. Some try to talk to the cows, others hug
them, and one tries to feed a cow a hamburger.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
For safety reasons, we later
banned private property from Dart
A pick up truck roars into the pasture and grinds to a halt.
Dust billows around it. The truck door swings open and the
same old lady jumps out clutching a pump action shotgun. She
grins, pumps a round into the chamber, and opens fire. The
Robo Club scatter in slow motion while the grinning old lady
advances firing round after round.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
It was just rock salt, but that
shit hurts like a bitch!
Clyde is blindfolded this time and being spun by Tyler.
Surrounding them the Robo Club chants "Dart, Dart, Dart..."


                       TYLER (V.O.)
But where ever that dart landed,
the Robo club landed next.
Clyde throws the dart. The crowd roars and pushes past him
rushing to the map.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
It was random and in a
Tyler and Ralph are in the final stages of hanging the
United States map over their State Map. Tyler places the
last thumb tack and they both back to where Clyde stands
holding a dart about 10 feet off.
So who gets to throw the dart?
Good question. I'm guessing we all
want to.
We all should.
You know how it works Ralphy. One
dart, one location.
Yeah, but that was for the club.
This is for us.
      (Pauses briefly)
I say we each take a turn. After
we're done, we triangulate our
throws and see where the furthest
point is. That point should be our
Damn, Ralphy. And you wanted to be
an Art Major. Shit, that works for
me. Stick?
Sounds good. You got the dart
Jammer-Time, so step to the plate.


Ralph spins a blindfolded Clyde and then faces him toward
the map. Tyler stands just off the map to note the darts
location with a colored Thumb Tack. Clyde throws the dart as
hard as he can and strikes Tyler in the shoulder.
Mother fucker! Shit! God damn
mother fucking son of a puss
Clyde removes his blindfold.
Oh shit, Stick.
      (Starts to laugh)
Sorry, man. Really sorry.
This isn't a Dart Trip, it's a
fuckin' Dart Stick!
Tyler pulls the dart from his shoulder and walks back to
where Clyde is standing. He wipes the blood off on his pants
and hands Clyde the dart.
I'll stand back here for your next
Good call.
                                         SERIES OF SHOTS
Clyde throws the dart. A colored pin is placed on Des Moines
Iowa. Ralph throws the dart. A colored pin is placed on New
Orleans. Tyler starts to throw the dart, stops, rubs his
throwing arm shoulder where the dart stabbed him, glances
angrily at Clyde, then throws the dart awkwardly. A pin is
placed on the island of Kauai, Hawaii.
Pack your suntan lotion
Robonaughts, looks like surfs up!
Clyde, Tyler and Ralph walk through campus, backpacks over
their shoulder.


All I'm sayin' is, we should stay
on the mainland. Somewhere we can
drive to instead of flyin' a
couple thousand miles over the
Pacific Ocean.
Look, we all agreed to the rules
of the Dart Trip. We're going to
And how do you purpose we do that?
I looked on-line and the cheapest
one way tickets were like a
thousand bucks. Each. Any of you
guys got that kind of scratch
layin' around?
Fuck dude, I'm lucky I have enough
for rent each month. Why the hell
do you guys think I eat so much
Top Romin, cuz I like it? It's
fuckin' cheap as shit, I get 10
for a dollar.
I dunno, we sell some shit. Have a
fund raiser or somethin'.
I like it. A fund raiser. We could
call it the "We're gettin' the
fuck outa here" charity.
Hey Clyde, how much we got in the
Robo Club account?
'bout seventy five bucks. We spent
the majority of it treatin'
everyone's rock salt wounds.
All three grimace and shake their heads.
Ok, say we get the money for the
tickets somehow. What do we live
on when we get there and how do we
get around? If we stay stateside,
we at least have a car and it'll


                       RALPH (cont'd)
only cost a few hundred bucks in
gas to get to Des Moines.
Dude, just how many drugs have you
taken? Des Moines over Mardi Gras
Ralph smirks and shrugs.
It's a challenge, I get it. But we
left this thing up to fate, and
you both know what happens when
you turn your back on fate.
I don't.
Yeah, I got no fuckin' clue, dude.
Tyler hesitates trying to come up with an answer.
Well, bad things happen. Bad
You're so full of shit.
We're going to Kauai, dude, so
start practicin' your fire stick
There you go bein' racist again.
Ok, practice your fuckin' hula
dance, better?
      (Pauses briefly)
Ok look, if we're goin' we need a
better plan. We need enough coin
to get us there and enough to
sustain our asses once we land.


I say we each come up with two
ideas today and then tonight pick
the best one. Agreed?
Works for me.
Really Jambo? Rob a fuckin' bank
and swindle the elderly? Those are
your best ideas?
Clyde shrugs.
Seem solid enough to me.
Yeah, as solid as the prison we'll
be locked in.
      (Looks at Ralph)
You're up Ralphy, watcha got? And
please dude, if it ain't legal,
don't even bother.
Ralph looks down at an unfolded piece of paper in his hand,
then back up at Tyler, then back to the paper. He slowly
refolds the paper and places it on the table in front of him
and stares blankly straight ahead.
      (Shakes his head)
I see. So outside of a fund raiser
and selling our stuff, the only
other ideas we have are criminal.
You say that like it's a bad
What if we just borrowed the


Oh yeah. Hi Mr. Bank lender, I
need some cash so I can take a
semester off to chillax in Hawaii
for a few months. What? A job?
You know, we could just act like
we're still going to college. I
mean technically we can still be
enrolled if we each take one
class. And we can pick something
easy, something we can do on-line.
Yeah, but that doesn't get us any
Benji's my man.
Wait, I see where your goin',
Ralphy. We all use student loans
to pay for our tuition, right? So
instead of using it to pay for
college, we use the money to
finance our trip.
We can do that?
Look, once we get the money it's
ours to do what we want with.
Whose to say we couldn't use it
for a field trip?
Technically its fraudulent.
      (Looks at Tyler)
Which is illegal. But, there is
some gray area I think I can
manipulate. I'll do some research,
let you guys know.


      (Stands up)
Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta
date to get to.
With what drug?
You're hilarious. Actually I have
a date with MARY.
      (Stands up)
Mary? Who the fuck's Mary?
      (Stands up)
Yeah, I don't know any Mary.
That's cuz I just met her, at a
Business Lecture I sat in on.
Clyde and Tyler point at each other, smile, then fist bump.
Told you that's where he was.
Tyler looks at Ralph.
Tell me you weren't wasted on bath
Bath salts, what?
Never mind. Mary, huh? Not sure
I'm diggin' that name. Could bring
us bad luck.
What? The name Mary?
Fuck yeah, think about it. Mary
Magdalene, Mary Poppin's, The
Queen Mary, Something About Mary,
Mary-Mary-Quite-Contrary. The
names just not right, dude.


What's wrong with any of those
Mary Magdalene was a whore.
And Mary Poppins was a magical
What? Dude she flew in on an
umbrella, that's one step away
from a broomstick. She was a witch
in training.
And The Queen Mary? Which is it,
the Queen or the ship?
Take your pick. One was a stone
cold killer and the other sank.
The Queen Mary didn't sink, that
was the Titanic ass wipe.
Whatever dude, but you're going to
have to break your date.
Not gonna happen.
Then if anything goes wrong with
our Dart Trip, it's on you or your
new Mary...
      (Swivels his hips)
...go round.
Dude, you're trippin'. I'll let
you guys know about the student
loans sometime tomorrow.
Ralph turns and starts to leave the room.
      (Over shoulder)


      (Calls after him)
Bloody Mary, that's what they
called the Queen!
What about Maryjane, huh?
Not helping Jimmy Jam. I'm tellin'
you, this Mary might be trouble.
We should check her out.
Like follow them on their date?
Hide in the shadows? Observe her
every gesture?
Yeah, like that. Good plan.
Dude, I was fuckin' kidding.
I know, but its actually a pretty
good idea. Besides what else you
gonna do tonight, study?
Let's do it!
Ralph stands on the sidewalk outside a partially crowded
Cafe texting on his cell phone. He glances up and smiles at
an attractive girl in her late teens who approaches him.

Clyde and Tyler spy from around a building on the same
street corner. Tyler squints his eyes suspiciously at the
And along came Mary.
That's a song, right?


But I was hoping some wind would
kick up.
And the wind cries...Maaarrryyyyy.
Now you're goin' Hendrix on me?
Dude, you gotta serious ass
problem with the name Mary. What's
with that?
Just break the name down. Its self
You're a fuckin' whack job.
Look dude, there are generally two
types of Mary's. There's the
Malicious Adversarial Rude Yapper
variety and the more common
Majorily Assholish Repulsive
Yea-who type.
I'm sensing an Ex-Mary in your
Try three.
Fuck bro, that's either some
serious persistence or some
righteous stupidity.
Come on, they went inside. We need
to find a way in without them
seeing us.


Ralph and Mary sit across from each other at a small table
directly across from the Wait Staff doors leading to the
Kitchen. Ralph is taking a sip from a large mug and Mary is
stirring the mug in front of her with a spoon.
So, I gotta ask you something, I
hope you don't mind.
Well, when I mentioned to my
roommate that I was going out with
you, she kinda freaked.
      (Curiously shocked)
Freaked? How so?
She said you were the head of this
weird cultist club, or something
like that.
Oh that.
So it's true? You're really the
head of a cult?
Well, no. Yes.
      (Leans forward)
It's not a cult, it's a club. The
Robo Club to be precise.
But aren't you the ones that wrap
yourselves in blankets and like
talk in tongues and stuff?
      (Leans back)
Sorta. I mean, I guess it could be
viewed that way to the


      (she nods her head)
the uninitiated. That doesn't
sound creepy at all.
No, it's not like that. Really.
And I'm not the only leader.
They're two others, my roommates,
we're kind of like a tripod
I don't get it. What's with the
blankets? And I heard you guys
make everyone drink this strange
liquid that makes you throw up.
What's with that?
      (Laughs nervously)
Wow, the way you say it, I mean
yeah, it kinda does sound like a
cult. Jim Jones type shit, right?
Sorry. I mean, if it's a club and
all, that's cool, I guess.
No, your fine. Really, I get it.
From where you're sitting the
whole things gotta seem completely
Maybe just a little.
It's kinda a long story.
      (Smiles softly)
I got a full mug of Cappuccino.
Ralph smiles back and takes a moment to size her up.
Yeah, I guess you do.


Clyde and Tyler sneak through a bustling kitchen. A LARGE
LINE COOK looks at them angrily as they make their way past.
Dude, this is crazy. Why can't we
just walk through the front door
and if they see us, act surprised,
like what a coincidence type shit?
Where's the fun in that?
They creep their way into the Wait Staff station. An ANGRY
WAITRESS glares at them while she loads her tray with food.
                       ANGRY WAITRESS
What are you guys doing? You can't
be in here.
No, its ok...we're a...we're with
the Health Department. I'm going
to need to see your Food Handlers
                       ANGRY WAITRESS
My ass. Get outa here before I get
the Manager and he calls the Cops.
Listen, Ma'am. I don't think you
know who your dealing with.
Ralph has just finished his story to Mary and leans back in
his chair.
And that's basically the whole
I don't even know how to respond
to that. I mean, wow.
Suddenly there is a huge commotion and they both look as
Tyler and Clyde are pushed through the Wait Staff doors and
out onto the Cafe floor. They stumble through with arms
raised to the following waitress and large Line Cook.


Ok, enough alright? We're leaving
for Christ's sake, just chill the
fuck out.
Clyde and Tyler turn to leave and stare directly at Ralph
and Mary.
Whoa, what are you guys doin'
yeah, what a coincidence.
Ralph, Mary, Clyde, and Tyler sit together inside a new Cafe
and snack off a large plate of Nacho's.
All I gotta say is, I've never
been kicked out of a Cafe for
being associated with people
trying to sneak in through the
kitchen before.
Ralph glances angrily at Clyde and Tyler.
That makes two of us.
And you guys are really his
roommates? Or, wait, what did you
call them Ralph, your
Robostituents? Is that right?
I don't know nuthin' 'bout
robostintuents, but yeah, we're
most definitely his roommates.
      (Looks at Ralph)
Congrats, Ralph. You top a pretty
serious list of contenders.


I'm afraid to ask, but for what?
Official weirdest first date ever.
Yeah, I bet.
Clyde shoots Tyler a dirty glance. Tyler shrugs as if to
say, what?
So look, we'll get outa your hair.
We just thought it'd be nice to
buy you guys something for gettin'
you kicked out of that other
It was nice meetin' you Mary.
Its been interesting.
      (Stands abruptly)
What do you mean by that?
Mean by what? Its been
Yeah, whats been so damn
interesting about it?
Don't mind Stick, he's just
um...he's just comin' off his Robo
high is all. Makes him grumpy.
Tyler looks at Clyde with disapproval and Mary nods her head
Oh, I see. Well, I hope you find
your happy place soon Stick, it is
Stick right?


Tyler takes a step toward Mary and is about to speak when
Clyde yanks him back.
Yeah, he's Stick, and he'll find
his happy place soon, won't you
Oh you betcha, Toe Jam. Happy,
Toe Jam?
That's a horrible nickname. You
should look into changing that.
      (Looks at Tyler)
Apparently, you can't pick your
own nickname.
Why not? Rappers do it all the
What? You guys are still here?
Leave. Get out. Go. Va-mouse.
Until next time...Mary.
Clyde and Tyler turn and leave the Cafe.
Well I like Toe Jam, except for
his nickname. But what's up with
Stick? It's like he hates me or
Hell if I know. He's usually
nothing like that.
So that's what Robo does to some


What? Turn them into assholes?
No, not at all. He's just working
through some other issues right
      (a beat)
So, weirdest first date, huh?
Oh yeah. Come on, you have to
admit it. You turn out to be a
Robo Club Cult leader, we get
kicked out of a Cafe because your
roommates, the other Robo leaders,
get caught sneaking in to spy on
us, we get tossed...
Ok, ok stop! Guilty.
And I apologize. Again.
Just makes me curious.
About what?
      (Smiles coyly)
What's going to happen on our next
Ralph looks surprised and pleased.
With me lately, that could be
Ralph grins mischievously and leans forward across the
table. Smiling, Mary leans forward as well and they both


Clyde and Tyler walk away from the Cafe down the sidewalk.
Clyde shoves Tyler.
Rappers do it all the time.
Tyler shoves Clyde back.
Oh, so your a Rapper now?
Do I look or act like a Rapper?
Exactly, so shut the fuck up
I can't believe you were bein'
such a blatant dick to Mary, man.
I don't know what it is, but I
don't trust her.
Could it be that her name's Mary?
Oh it's definitely because her
names Mary, but there's something
else. Something I can't put my
finger on yet. But I feel it.
Somethin' ain't right with her.
You know what? You're gettin'
fuckin' paranoid, dude.
Mark my words Ham-Jam. She's
                       TYLER (V.O.)
Ok, so I had a very slight trust
issue with girls named Mary. But
in my defense, my three Mary
encounters were less than


A 3RD GRADE TYLER stands on his front lawn and watches a
moving truck unload across the street. He see's a pig tailed
redhead his own age (3RD GRADE MARY) wonder around the front
lawn. Their eyes lock and both smile at each other. Tyler
runs across the suburban street and they meet on her lawn by
the curb.
                       3RD GRADE TYLER
                       3RD GRADE MARY
      (Smiles shyly)
                       3RD GRADE TYLER
My names Tyler.
      (Points behind him)
I live across the street.
                       3RD GRADE MARY
I'm Mary. We just moved here.
                       3RD GRADE TYLER
Wanna play with me?
                       3RD GRADE MARY
      (Smiles brightly)
They clinch hands and run off across the lawn together.
3rd grade Tyler approaches 3rd grade Mary on the school play
ground by the monkey bars. Mary is surrounded by her
                       3RD GRADE TYLER
Hey Mary, wanna play teatherball
with me?
Mary's friends inhale sharply and look at her with surprise.
Mary glances back at them a bit hesitant then turns abruptly
on Tyler.
                       3RD GRADE MARY
Why would I want to play with a
retard like you?


Devastated, Tyler turns and walks away to the laughter of
Mary and her friends.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
What a total bitch, right? And it
didn't stop there.
Mary struts up to Tyler who sits with his friends at a
typical cafeteria table eating lunch. He looks at her with
an unexpected smile.
                       3RD GRADE TYLER
Hey Mary. So, I was wonderin', do
you wanna come over and watch
Under-wraps this Saturday?
                       3RD GRADE MARY
As if!
      (glances at her
Only spaz's watch that kiddie
Hidden from view is a cartoon of milk in Mary's hand which
she launches into his face and laughs.
                       3RD GRADE MARY
Have some milk Spaz!
                       TYLER (V.O.)
I planned to burn her house down,
but she moved before I learned how
to light matches. Mary number two
wasn't any better.
A Junior High School dance is in full swing. The gym's
lights are low and a disco ball hangs from the ceiling
casting the room in a myriad of colorful swirling lights.
Kids are slow dancing. In the center of the floor 8TH GRADE
TYLER is dancing with a Brunette 8TH GRADE MARY.
                       8TH GRADE MARY
I've never felt this way about
anyone before, Tyler.


                       8TH GRADE TYLER
Me either.
                       8TH GRADE MARY
Tell me we'll be together for
                       8TH GRADE MARY
We'll never be apart, Mary. I
                       8TH GRADE MARY
I don't think I could live without
They look lovingly into each others eyes and kiss.
8th Grade Mary stands by her open locker with a few of her
friends. 8th grade Tyler walks up.
                       8TH GRADE TYLER
Why haven't you been returning my
texts or calls Mary? What's going
                       8TH GRADE MARY
      (Rolls her eyes)
What's going on? Can't you get a
Mary's friends stare at Tyler with a combination of disgust
and anger.
                       8TH GRADE TYLER
      (Hurt and confused)
Did I do something wrong?
                       8TH GRADE MARY
You're what's wrong. Just stay
away from me. I never want to see
you again, Tyler.
Mary slams her locker and with her friends in tow, storms
down the hall. Tyler stares after Mary and then slowly
lowers his head in saddened defeat.
                       TYLER (V.O.)
You would have thought I learned
my lesson, but no. No, despite the
little voice in my head screaming


                       TYLER (V.O.) (cont'd)
to avoid any girl named Mary, I
just couldn't seem to help myself.
HIGH SCHOOL TYLER and a blond HIGH SCHOOL MARY are naked in
bed together. Tyler is on top staring down at Mary.
                       HIGH SCHOOL TYLER
You sure your parents are out all
                       HIGH SCHOOL MARY
Positive. Don't be nervous, Tyler.
Its my first time too.
                       HIGH SCHOOL TYLER
I'm not nervous.
Mary smiles affectionately at Tyler and seems to be making
some adjustments with her body under the covers.
                       HIGH SCHOOL MARY
There, right there.
      (leans her head
Ummmm...I love you so much.
                       HIGH SCHOOL TYLER
I love you too, Mary...
                       TYLER (V.O.)
I'm sure you can guess what
happened a few weeks later. I'll
save you the painful details, but
his name was DESHAWN. He was six
foot seven, and our schools star
varsity basketball player. His
nickname was Python and I'm pretty
sure it didn't have anything to do
with his game.
Clyde and Tyler sit on lawn chairs at the Apartment Quad. A
cooler sits between them and they are drinking out of red
Solo cups. They watch as Ralph walks toward them.


Hail to the returning conquering
Tyler and Clyde raise their cups in salute to Ralph.
What are you guys doin'?
      (To Clyde)
I believe our hero doth be blind,
Sir Jam-bone.
Aye, it would appear such.
Tyler opens the cooler and pulls out a filled Solo cup.
Join us in a pint of grog my good
Ralph drops his backpack on the ground, takes the Solo cup
and looks inside.
What is it?
Be ye deaf or a fool? I just spoke
to it as grog.
Aye, be it glorious grog at that.
Grow some hair upon your testicles
boy and drink.
Um, Whisky and coke with a hint of
something I can't quite identify.
                       CLYDE AND TYLER
      (In unison)


So what's with your mid-evil
Me thinketh it be your accent that
doth sound odd.
Ha, ha, aye! Where be your wench,
Mary, on this fine day?
Ok, what's up? Really.
Gettin' ready for the Renaissance
Fair, dude.
The Renaissance Fair?
Yeah, haven't you seen the fliers
around campus? Big traveling
Renaissance fair hitting campus
for the weekend. They're building
their kingdom on the Athletic
practice fields.
No shit, which one?
All of'em, dude. It's gonna be
like 10 acres and have live
jousting, sword battles, King and
Queen processions, Jesters,
Yeah we checked'em out on their
web site, it's going to be
That sounds awesome. So I take it
you have plans for us all to go.
And by all, I'm guessin' the
entire Robo Club?


      (Raises cup)
Me thinks he doth not be a fool
after all.
Ralph takes a long drink from his cup and looks directly at
That's in clear violation of Rule
The boy speaketh truths.
What if I told you we've reserved
our very own hospitality tent for
the entire day?
I'd say that sounds pretty cool.
How big is it?
It's fuckin' huge. Your gonna love
it Ralphy, it's like one giant
And no one monitors us or
We get a Royal guard at the
entrance to the tent, he's like
our own personal bouncer.
Other than that, it's our own
Kingdom within a Kingdom.
Robo Nation, dude.
It'll be our final blow out party
before we bail. Not bad, huh?
When did you guys put all this


Clyde and Tyler shrug and take a drink of grog.
Last coupla days. You've been a
little preoccupied with your
Mary-achie, so we threw it
Clubs on board?
Locked and loaded, dude.
      (Smiles broadly)
Brothers, you hath outdone
yourselves! I raise me glass to
ye, in tribute!
They all raise their Solo cups and then drink long and deep.
Ralph and Mary hold hands and walk together through campus.
What's a Robotion?
It's a combination of the words
Robo and function. Robotion.
So it's a party then?
It's a Robotion. But yeah, it's a
I don't get it, why not just call
it a party like everyone else?
You know, I tried combining Party
and Robo, but Roboty just isn't
catchy enough.
What about Roboixer?


What's that?
It's a mixer.
Ralph gives Mary a confused look.
You've never heard a party
referred to as a mixer before?
Might as well go with Shin-dig or
a Wing-ding or some other archaic
party reference.
Oh, thanks a lot. Robotion isn't
as cool as you think it is.
So, are you going to come?
Do I have to drink cough syrup?
All the cool kids are doing it.
I don't think I want my first Robo
trip to be at a Renaissance Fair
party...sorry, Robotion.
      (A beat)
If I decide to do it, I want it to
be alone with you. No one else.
That most definitely can be
Slow your role, I said if.
I know, I heard the if. I just
feel encouraged.
Ralph kisses Mary on the cheek.


What was that for?
That's a little incentive.
They stop in front of a large building with a sign out front
in and out of the front entrance doors.
Oh is that what you call it?
      (A beat)
Why don't you guys just have a
Zombie party? I mean, when you're
on that stuff, you're half way
there anyway.
A Zambo, huh? Name rolls off the
tongue easy enough.
      (A beat)
Naw. The Zombie things too played
out. It's like everything on TV or
the movies has something to do
with Zombies.
That's true.
And how do Zombie's pee and poop
anyway? I mean they eat human
flesh, so they must digest.
And that would mean poop.
Exactly. Real life Zombies would
be walking around with a full lode
in their pants.
That's really gross, Ralph.
They'd have like shit dripping
down their pant legs.
Mary slugs Ralph in the shoulder.


I don't think they could sneak up
on anybody. Rotting flesh combined
with steaming feces? They'd smell
so damn bad, you'd know they were
coming from like a mile away.
I gotta get to class. Thanks for
the parting imagery. Call me
Absolutely. Until then, my fair
maiden, I bid thee farewell.
Ralph bows and kisses her hand. Mary Rolls her eyes in
embarrassment and then quickly pulls her hand away, turns
with a smile, then enters the building.
Clyde, Tyler and Ralph walk through the Renaissance Fair
grounds. Clyde is dressed as a knight wearing lite
Chain-mail, Tyler as a King and Ralph as a Squire. Nearly
everyone they pass wear some form of Renaissance clothing.
This place is totally off the
Told you so. It's an entire
Kingdom, dude.
Won't you get thrown in the
dungeon or something for dressing
like the King?
Dressing like a King? I am a King.
Aye, he is the King of Robo
Nation, and I, its Champion
Knight. The dreaded Black Knight!


      (Rolls eyes)
Dude, your the whitest Black
Knight I've ever seen.
I don't get it. How can there be
more than one King?
There's like 6 hospitality tents
in the Kingdom and the way it
rolls is, each tent represents a
visiting country. You can either
pick your own country's name...
Robo Nation.
Or, ones provided for you. But
each tent has to designate a King
and Champion Knight.
I dunno, it was part of the sign
up process for getting the tent.
Suddenly the sounds of trumpets erupt and the people in
front of them begin to step to either side of the grassy
street. A procession of 4 colorfully dressed trumpeters, a
Mounted Knight in full armor followed by two columns of 6
Royal guards march down the middle of the street. Behind
them is a horse drawn carriage with the King and Queen of
the Kingdom perched on a mobile Royal Throne. They wave to
the crowds and the trumpeters blast their horns again.
Dude, check out that Knights
armor, that's so badass!
This is fucking amazing! It all
looks so real.
The procession passes by and the King spots Tyler and
suddenly stands, points to him, smiles and nods his head in
greeting. Surprised, Tyler nods back. The King returns to


his Thrones chair and resumes waving to the crowd while the
Queen regards Tyler with a lustful gaze.
What was that all about?
That was a King publicly
recognizing another King. It's
called respect.
No, I meant with the Queen? It
looked like she wants to jump your
They continue down the street.
I wonder where I can get armor
like that Knight's, but in black?
They stop in front of a massive enclosed tent with a sign
above the entrance that reads ROBO NATION. A large
intimidating ROYAL GUARD steps in front of them to block
their way.
                       ROYAL GUARD
Halt. Be ye the Ruler of Robo
Tyler steps forward.
Well I sure as shit ain't the
Royal Jester.
The guard responds with an angry glare.
Sorry. Yes, I be the King of Robo
Nation and these my loyal
The Royal Guard steps aside and allows them to enter. Tyler
and Ralph enter first and as Clyde walks by the Royal Guard,
he pauses and smiles proudly.
I'm the Black Knight. Robo Nations
Champion. Maybe you've heard of


The Royal Guard looks Clyde up and down, grins, and then
stares straight ahead. With a dejected look Clyde enters the
Inside the tent a party is under way. It's a mix of Robo
Club members, friends, and friends of friends. Toward the
center back is an elevated stage with a King's chair perched
on top. A large buffet table sprawls across the opposite
side covered with roasted Turkey and other Renaissance fare.
There are several people standing around a large wooden beer
Wow. This had to cost a fortune.
Oddly, not so much.
This place is sweet. Who wants a
Ah yes, fetch my Squire and I some
Mead my Champion Knight.
Black Knight.
Your King thirst's, away with you.
Say it, or you can fetch your own
damn beer.
Tyler shakes his head.
Black Knight. Happy?
Clyde smiles and walks off toward the wooden beer keg.
      (Looks around)
Did we invite all these people?


Who knows? Word must have gotten
out. Hey, think I'll head over to
my Kings chair, maybe give a brief
Royal speech to my peasants.
Tyler wonders into the crowd and Ralph starts to follow when
a finger taps his shoulder. He turns and see's Mary wearing
a simple Renaissance farm girls dress smiling at him. An
attractive blond girl wearing similar clothing stands next
to her.
I thought you said you weren't
And miss the Robotion of the
Mary turns to the girl at her side.
This is my roommate, JENNY. I hope
you don't mind that I invited her.
I had to beg her, and just so you
know, she made me really work for
      (Rolls eyes)
Whatever Jenny.
Well, its a pleasure to finally
meet you. Mary has certainly
talked you up.
Jenny shines a knowing smile.
Not as much as she has you, I'm
Enough already!
      (Looks around)
This tent is amazing, you guys
really outdid yourselves.


Jenny points at Tyler who sits alone on his raised throne
staring at them.
Who is that?
Why the Ruler and King of Robo
Nation of course.
      (A beat)
He's my roommate, Tyler, but
everyone calls him Stick.
That's funny, Mary calls him Dick.
Well you do.
And deservedly so.
Well,if you'll both excuse me, I
think I'll go introduce myself to
the Dick Stick.
Jenny winks seductively at Mary and Ralph then walks into
the crowd toward Tyler's throne.
Well that should be an interesting
      (Smiles brightly)
I'm glad I came.
Wise choice, my lady.
I am no lady sir, though one day I
aspire as such. No, I am but a
simple farm girl whose been sent
to the Kingdom to fetch a few


Ah, I see. My mistake farm girl. I
am the Kings Squire, Sir Ralph.
Might you have a name?
Having just met you, Sir Ralph, it
would be inappropriate for me to
provide you with my name.
      (Looks him over)
But you do seem respectable
enough, and a Squire to the King
no less. You may call me Mary.
      (Takes her hand)
Come Mary, let us roam the Kingdom
together, you and I, and see what
splendors there are to see.
From his thrones chair Tyler watches Ralph lead Mary from
the tent. Clyde steps up onto the stage holding three mugs
of beer and hands one to Tyler.
      (Looks around)
Where's Ralphy?
Tyler stares at the beer mug in his hand.
Damn, that was close.
He leans over and puts his beer on the floor.
What was?
Dude, don't drink that beer. Rule
Oh shit, that's right. What the
fuck were we thinkin'?
Clyde puts the two remaining mugs of beer next to Tyler's


So where is Ralphy, anyway? If he
doesn't hurry and drink his Robo
he'll be too far behind us.
He's been Maryducted.
He left the tent with Mary.
Oh, thought she wasn't coming?
Me too. I should have banished her
from my Kingdom.
      (A beat)
Hey, do they do be-headings here?
Jenny moves through the party and makes her way to the
throne where she stops in front of Tyler.
My King.
Tyler looks at her curiously.
You came in with Mary didn't you?
Tis true, Mary doth be my roommate
Tyler's eyes rove over her approvingly.
And what name does such a fetching
maiden go by?
      (Smiles coyly)
I go by Jenny.
Clyde glances at Jenny, back at Tyler, back to Jenny, sighs
and shakes his head.


Uh-huh, right. Ok then, I'm gonna
bounce for a bit.
      (Looks at Tyler)
I'll be back in about ten?
Tyler continues to hold the favorable gaze of Jenny.
Yeah, whatever dude.
Clyde rolls his eyes and moves off into the party.
May I join you on your throne my
Tyler extends his hand to Jenny and raises his eye brows.
If it pleases thee, it pleases me.
Ralph and Mary walk side by side down the main street. Mary
is eating a Corn Dog and Ralph gnaws on a large Turkey leg.
I didn't know they had Corn Dogs
during the Renaissance times.
Oh, absolutely. In fact, they were
first created by the Chinese and
after thousands of years finally
made their way to Europe.
Your such a liar!
Mary bumps Ralph playfully with her shoulder.
Everyone knows the Egyptians were
the first to make corn dogs.
The Egyptians?
Of course. How else do you think
the Pyramids got built? The
Pharaohs rewarded their slaves


                       MARY (cont'd)
with an endless supply of Corn
Well that would motivate anyone.
A group of eight Royal Guards push past them running toward
another hospitality tent.
Hey, watch it!
Well that was rude.
They watch the Guards enter the tent and glance at each
other with curious expressions.
What do you thinks going on?
I have no idea.
The Royal Guards emerge from the tent with its King in
shackles. The tents Champion Knight is close behind and
speaking to the Captain of the Guards. They finish their
conversation and the Guards haul the King away while the
Knight looks on.
Come on, lets go ask that Knight
what's happening.
Ralph and Mary approach the Knight who turns to renter the
Excuse me, sir Knight. What has
become of your King?
The Knight turns back to face them.


I fear there has been a
misunderstanding between the Ruler
of this Kingdom and that of all
the visiting Kings.
What type of misunderstanding?
It would seem he suspects his
Queen of consorting with one of
them. The Knights must report to
the Arena at once and fight for
their Kings release.
Fight? Fight how?
By Joust of course. Now if you'll
excuse me, I must take my leave to
the Arena and prepare for battle.
The Knight reenters his tent. Ralph and Mary face each other
with alarmed expressions.
Holy Shit!
Do you think Stick and Jam knew
about this before they signed up
for the tent?
If they did, there's no way they
would've drank Robo beforehand.
They drank Robo? They're on Robo
right now?
Oh yeah, and it should be kicking
in hard.
Oh my god, we've got to warn them!


Ralph and Mary burst into the tent and stop abruptly with a
look of surprise. The tent is empty except for Jenny and the
two dudes. Jenny rushes over to them with the dudes close
Hey, where did everyone go?
                       DUDE ONE
To the arena, dude.
They took Tyler.
                       DUDE TWO
Yeah, these guards came in and
hauled Stick outa here.
                       DUDE ONE
And Jam's gotta go Joust for his
Mary looks at Ralph filled with worry.
We're too late.
He seemed like he was starting to
get really sick too. What should
we do?
                       DUDE ONE
Its gonna be totally awesome.
                       DUDE TWO
You better hurry though, It's
gonna start anytime.
The Dude's leave the tent.
What do we do now?
Ralph goes over to the food table and rips the table cloth
off. Trays and baskets of food fly in all directions. He
wads the cloth into a tight ball and places it under his
right arm, then hurries back to Mary who looks annoyed.


Why the hell did you do that?
Ralph grabs her hand.
I'll explain later. Right now we
gotta get our asses to that arena.
Ralph, Mary and Jenny approach a guarded outdoor prison cell
that sits just inside the large Arena. The cell is occupied
with the six imprisoned Kings. Ralph approaches one of the
Royal Guards.
Greetings, I'm the Squire to the
King of Robo Nation. Might I have
a word with him?
The guard looks at Ralph, grabs his table cloth and searches
it hastily before returning it. He steps aside allowing the
three to approach the cell.
Stick? Hey, Stick, over here.
Tyler sits alone on the ground in a corner, a pile of vomit
beside him. The other Kings stand as far away as possible
and it's clear he is the topic of their conversation.
Tyler, it's me, Ralphy. I have
something for you.
Tyler looks up and see's Ralph. An expression of relief
floods his face. He stands and wobbles back against the
cage. As he stumbles across the cell toward them, he begins
to gesture and mumble wildly.
I know buddy, I know. Everythings
going to be cool. Here.
Tyler finally makes it to the other side of the small cell
and grabs the bars just as his legs buckle. He see's the
table cloth and as he takes it, looks at Ralph with
gratitude, his eyes filling with tears. He wraps the Cloth
around him like a shroud and a peaceful expression crosses
his face.


Mary grabs Ralph's shoulder and turns him to face her.
We need to go save Jam before the
Joust starts.
Jenny stares at Tyler with a look of concern.
I'll stay with Stick.
Right. We'll be back for you both,
don't worry.
Tyler mumbles and gestures them away then sets his eyes on
Jenny. He smiles and attempts to look suave, failing
miserably. Jenny returns his smile, reaches forward and with
her sleeve wipes dried vomit from his chin.
Ralph and Mary make their way through the bustling arena
crowd. On the far side they spot horses and Knights. As they
approach, they see Clyde in black armor, visor up, on top of
a horse. He is swaying and the lance in his hand bobs in all
directions nearly hitting anyone who comes near him.
suddenly he throws up all over himself and his horse.
Oh my god, he just puked all over
The crowd is thick and Ralph shouts as he pushes his way
Move! Out of the way!
Trumpets sound and as Ralph and Mary finally break through
the crowd they look on as a man slaps the rear of Clyde's
horse. The horse surges forward. Clyde nearly falls off and
the crowd roars. His visor flips shut. He slides to the left
then to the right, his lance points to the ground then to
the sky.
He's going to get killed!


Well at least he got his Black
Mary casts him a disgusted look.
The Kings Knight bares down on Clyde, his Lance aimed with
deadly precision. Clyde, in slow motion, with puke shooting
from his visor holes, slumps forward. At the last second, he
manages to raise his Lance and both he and the Kings Knight
strike each other. Clyde is launched from his horse and
crashes to the arena floor. The crowd gasps and the Kings
Knight rides on.
Clyde, armor removed, lays on a cot inside a Renaissance
medical tent. Ralph and Mary are at the other end and watch
as the DOCTOR approaches them.
How is he?
Well, he has no broken bones or
contusions, so that's positive.
How come I sense a "but" coming?
But, he does seem to have a
concussion. I mean, he can barely
talk and his motor skills are
completely deteriorated. He needs
a CAT scan.
I don't think that will be
Behind them, Clyde stands and grabs the sheet covering the
cot. He wraps it securely around his body with a moronic
smile. Slowly, he lurches toward Ralph, Mary, and the


I strongly disagree.
Clyde staggers past the Doctor and Mary puts her arm around
We'll get him to the hospital,
Doctor. Thank you so much.
They turn and exit the medical tent while the Doctor shakes
his head.
Clyde, Ralph and Mary walk out of the tent and glance around
getting their barrings.
Let's go collect Stick and Jenny
and get the hell outa here.
That's the best idea I've heard
all day.
Clyde grins and drools while trying to mumble his approval.
Tyler is sprawled on Jenny's bed still dressed in his Kings
outfit. Jenny is curled by his side also still wearing her
Renaissance dress. The room is lit by several candles placed
throughout the room.
I don't think I've ever been so
embarrassed, and that's sayin'
Actually, you were pretty
      (Looks at her)
Where have you been all of my


      (Strokes his face)
Just around the corner.
Tyler leans forward and they share a passionate kiss.
So, just exactly what was so
hilarious about me today?
I don't know. I've only heard
about what Robo does to you, I
just never saw it before.
You sitting in that cell wrapped
in the table cloth like it was the
second coming, you gotta admit is
pretty funny. And those other
They thought I was some deranged
You kinda were.
      (Kisses her again)
I can't believe you stuck around
for me.
Jenny crawls on top of Tyler.
But your my king and I a humble
      (Kisses him)
Tell me what pleases you.
This! This pleases me.
      (Kisses her)
A lot.
Jenny sits up and pulls her dress over her head revealing
her naked body.
And does this please thee as well?


Most definitely.
Tyler pulls Jenny down on top of him and they begin to kiss.
Mary sits sideways on Clyde's lap on the couch and Clyde
lounges on the other end. Each remain dressed in their
Renaissance clothing.
How are you feeling Clyde?
Clyde rubs his chest where the lance struck him.
Sore as shit, man.
Dude, you got launched like twenty
That was so brutal.
Yeah, I take a lance to the chest
and Stick gets the girl.
Jenny's the Baskin Robbins type.
      (Wide eyed)
Who isn't?
Dude, she's bein' polite. She
means Jenny's into the flavor of
the week.
Oh, she's a slut.
She enjoys variety.
What else have you not told me
about your roommate?


      (Kisses Ralph)
Wouldn't you like to know?
That's kinda why I'm askin'.
Clyde stands painfully.
I think I'm gonna bail. I gotta
couple pain killers squirreled
away callin' my name.
You sure?
Yeah, most definitely.
I'll catch'ya later. And don't
think I'm not pissed you hid those
pain killers from me.
Clyde points at Ralph and looks at Mary.
You better watch this boy.
Oh, I will.
Despite everything, that was kinda
fun today, right?
In probably the weirdest way ever,
but yeah.
Clyde smiles briefly, nods his head and rubs his chest then
turns and leaves the room. The front door to the apartment
can be HEARD opening and closing.
So, about Jenny's flavors, does
one include you?
Mary stands, grabs Ralph's hand and pulls him off the couch.
She leans forward and gently kisses him.


Lets go to my bedroom and maybe
I'll tell you all about it.
Ralph smiles and follows Mary out of the living room.
Ralph and Tyler kick back on the couch watching TV when
Tyler suddenly bursts through the door. He storms into the
living room and stands holding the school newspaper by his
Don't you guys answer your
cellphones anymore? I've been
trying both of you for the past 2
You know the house rule, Stick. No
calls, Texts, Tweets, Skyp, or
Face Booking while watching TV.
And dude, your blocking the TV.
Oh, we'll all be moving alright.
Have you seen today's school
Tyler thrusts the newspaper in front of him. The headline
"Robo cult exposed!" is clearly visible.
We haven't been on campus today.
Well perhaps you should both give
the cover story a quick read. It
just may concern you.
Tyler tosses the newspaper onto Clyde's lap and starts to
pace back and forth in front of the TV. Annoyed, Clyde sighs
and picks up the paper. As he reads he slowly moves to a
ridged forward sitting position.
I knew it, I just fuckin' knew it!


What? What's it say?
It's an article about a
dangerously misguided new Cult on
campus. I'll give you one guess
what the cult is.
Not good, fuck, not good, dude.
It's about the Robo Club? Really,
no shit?
No shit. And it doesn't paint a
very flattering picture.
Well at least the article doesn't
use our real names.
Dude, it uses our nicknames. How
long do you think it's going to
take the administration to figure
those out?
Wait, I don't really have a
Yeah, you're fucked. And in more
ways than one. Guess who wrote the
article, just guess.
Dude, it doesn't say who wrote
this, it just credits the source
to an Undercover reporter. And
what the fuck, it says this is the
first in a four part series?
Well isn't it obvious who wrote
it? Fuckin' Mary Benadict Arnold,
that's who. And Ralph told her


Hey, watch it Stick.
Yeah dude, how do you know it's
Mary? It seems a helluva lot more
logical that its someone inside
the Club.
No, it's her. I knew somethin' was
off about her, but you guys
wouldn't listen.
Let me see that paper.
Ralph grabs the newspaper from Clyde and begins to read.
Shit, who ever it is, they
basically know everything.
Technically we haven't done
anything wrong.
Excuse me? Dude, we've been
selling cough syrup and passing it
off as some sorta magical elixir.
When the FDA finds out about that,
we're fucked. We've probably
broken over a dozen laws we don't
even know about. We're going to
get expelled, sued, and go to
fuckin' prison in that order.
Ralph finishes the article and lets the paper drop to the
floor. He runs his hands through his hair over and over.
This is bad. I mean real bad.
No fuckin' shit. We need a plan.
Where we at with the loan status,
Ralph continues to run his hands through his hair.


Yeah...um...we're good. I guess. I
mean, this changes everything.
How? Until the administration
figures out who we are, we're
safe. And they won't be able to
make a move on us until they do
their own personal investigation.
They're going to need their
fuckin' ducks in a row to avoid
any major law suits.
What about the cops? They might
have a say in what we've been up
There is a sudden knock at their front door. All three
freeze with wide frightened eyes.
Oh shit, what do we do?
Answer it.
Are you fucking crazy?
More knocking. This time louder and more persistent.
We should answer it.
You answer it.
I ain't answering it.
      (Whispers loudly)
Then don't fuckin' suggest we
answer it!


They've stopped knocking. They're
going away.
Don't you wanna know who it was?
I've never not wanted to know who
was at the door so badly in my
entire life!
Ralph stands up and starts to walk out of the living room.
And just where the fuck do you
think you're goin'?
I'm going to get my blanket.
Like that's going to help
Clyde, Ralph, and Tyler sit on their living room sofa's each
wrapped in their blanket.
Ok, I admit, this does make me
feel better.
So I think we can still get our
loan money before we get expelled.
How so?
Well, like you were saying. It's
going to take time for the
administration to put a case
together against us. And the
Police? I don't think they're an
immediate threat.
How can you be so sure?


We haven't violated any laws worth
them looking into. Not really.
They need proof and once we get
rid of all the evidence,
everything is just hearsay.
I sure as hell hope so.
Besides, by the time anyone really
gets the ball rolling we should
have our loan money. And at that
point, we can just disappear into
the jungles of Kauai until the
whole thing blows over.
That's a lot of speculation, man.
So we just lay low and disband the
And destroy any evidence linking
What? And pray the shit storm
doesn't hit before we bounce outa
town with our loan money?
Yep. Unless either of you can come
up with a better alternative.
Tyler suddenly stands and shrugs off his blanket.
I'm fuckin' starved, man. We
should order some delivery.
We already did. We ordered pizza
like over an hour ago.
Ralph looks at Clyde and shakes his head.


Told you we shoulda answered the
Well that sucks. Ok, I'll go call
for another pizza and you guys
delete our Robo logo from the hard
drive. We gotta dump any remaining
Robo bottles we have. No trace
Clyde and Ralph jump up and drop their blankets to the
On it!
And Ralphy? You might want to
schedule a little one on one with
your Mary to find out for sure
what I already know.
She didn't do it, Stick.
Then prove it. Until then, she's
my number one suspect.
Ralph glances at his watch while hiding around the corner of
the Business Administration building. Students move in and
out of the building. Ralph spots Mary emerge and then falls
in behind her. They move through Campus and then Tyler stops
abruptly and watches with disappointment as Mary enters a
building with a sign in front that reads COLLEGIATE
Mary emerges from the Collegiate Newspaper building. Ralph
is leaning against the exterior wall and then runs up beside
her as she walks.
Oh, hi Ralph. You scared me.


Sorry, didn't me to.
Mary recovers and pokes Ralph playfully.
I didn't know you had such mad
Ninja skills.
And I didn't know you worked for
the College Newspaper. I thought
you were a Business Major.
Business Minor, actually. I'm a
Communications Major.
So what were you doing just now,
dropping off your next article
about the Robo Cult?
Mary stops and faces Ralph.
Look Ralph, I know how this looks,
but I didn't write that article.
Someone else was way ahead of me.
And I'm supposed to believe you,
that it? Just take your word for
That's not up to me. Your either
going to believe me or not.
Ralph stares at Mary long and hard and then comes to a
If you didn't write it, then who
Mary reaches out and takes his hands into hers.
As long as you believe it wasn't
me, why does it matter who wrote
the piece, Ralph?


We feel betrayed, Mary. Who ever
wrote that article is someone who
knows us. Worse, they've put an
unfair spin on the story to make
us seem more notorious. That
article makes us out to be, I
don't know, bad people with bad
The piece most definitely defines
sensationalized journalism.
Then you've gotta help us before
this gets out of control.
I'm afraid its already too late,
Ralph. The reason I was in that
building was to attend a mandatory
staff meeting held by the
President of the University. He
wants names, addresses, he wants
President Kimbrough? Oh, shit.
So far the Editor is holding firm
and standing behind his anonymous
source. But I think that was just
a show for the staff.
What do you mean?
I mean the entire papers run
exclusively by students. behind
closed doors who knows what
President Kimbrough threatened our
Editor with.
So you think he already has the
name of the journalist?


It's only a matter of time before
they have your full names.
That's it then. We're toast.
Burnt. Fuckin'. Toast.
Mary looks around, spots a bench, leads Ralph over and they
sit down.
I'm so sorry, Ralph, I really am.
Did President Kimbrough say why he
was so hell bent on finding us?
Violation of Student Conduct Code
policy was a repeated theme. That
sprinkled with illegal, immoral,
and your possible basic Terrorist
cell threat.
Terrorist cell?
Ralph doubles over, his head drops between his knees.
Oh my God, I'm gonna be sick.
Mary softly lifts his head and forces him to face her.
But none of its true, Ralph. And
you can prove that.
      (A beat)
I think the three of you should
give yourselves up.
What? Are you insane?
Listen to me. The longer you hide,
the worse it will get. If you go
into the Presidents office right
now you can defuse this whole
thing. Take the fight to him,


                       MARY (cont'd)
prove you guys aren't what that
reporter has made you out to be.
Stick and Jam would never go for
You won't know until you ask them.
And even if they say no, you
should still go by yourself. Do it
Ralph, do it before it gets worse.
How could it get any worse?
Look, I think the President wants
to keep a lid on this. He's
concerned about public image and
scandal. You can use that to your
advantage. The last thing he wants
is for an outside agency like
Homeland Security, the FBI, or the
BTAF to catch wind. I mean, that
would create a national media
Homeland Security? Jesus Christ!
Ralph drops his head back between his knees.
Do you want me to come with you to
talk to Stick and Jam?
Ralph immediately straightens up.
No! No, that's not a good idea.
You would probably have to add
murder to our list of accusations.
Yeah. Apparently he has a bad
history with girls named Mary.
He's kinda predisposed to hate and
distrust them on sight.


He thinks I wrote the article and
that's why you followed me to the
Newspaper building, right?
Yep. Wait, you knew I was
following you?
Sorry, I'm a girl.
Whats that have to do with it?
What? You don't know? All girls
are trained at an early age to be
keenly aware of male stalkers. We
go through a secret three week
training course.
Ralph smiles for the first time and chuckles.
There it is.
Mary leans forward and kisses him and then strokes his
I know you can't see it now. But
everything's going to work out,
Ralph. I promise.
Ralph and Clyde sit on their couch while Tyler paces in
front of them.
Oh everything's going to work out,
Ralph. Just go turn yourselves in,
Ralph. Trust me, Ralph.
Tyler throws himself into the opposite couch.
Fuckin' Mary's. They're all the


Ralph stares hard at Tyler.
I wasn't going to tell you this,
but you need to know.
      (A beat)
Jenny wrote the article.
What? No fuckin' way. I don't
believe it.
That bitch!
Mary finally told me. Jenny knew
all about us before Mary and my
first date. She used the fair as a
means to get close and...
      (A beat)
I'm betting that during your
little night together, she asked
you a bunch of questions about our
Tyler drops his head.
I'm sorry dude.
Look at the bright side, Stick. At
least you got fucked by someone
other than a Mary.
Ralph shoots Clyde a harsh glare.
Sorry, just tryin' to help.
Regardless of who wrote the story,
Mary does makes sense.
Yeah dude, I think she does too.
Tyler looks up clearly wounded.


You two fuck wads can do what you
want, but I'm taking my loan money
and bailin'.
We should stay and fight.
Oh, I get it. You think this is
like one of your Bug War nature
shows, right? We're like the
little Wasp and the University is
the Tarantula.
Something like that yeah.
Well I got news for you, Ralphy.
This ain't Bug Wars, this is your
fuckin' life. That Tarantula's
gonna annihilate the wasp.
Dude, I'm with Ralph on this one.
If we run, we admit guilt.
Are you guys just stupid or what?
We are guilty, we're guilty as
And when does the running stop,
Stick? I mean, we can't hide out
on Kauai forever.
You see? You see what's goin' on
here, dont'cha?
      (Stands quickly)
You wouldn't be thinkin' this way
before your precious Mary came
along. We'd be outa here. Now you
want to slay a giant. And you want
us to help.
3 Wasps are better than one.


You guys are a couple of stupid
asses, you know that?
So you're in?
Fuck you.
Ok, good.
I have a plan.
Clyde, Tyler and Ralph sit casually in the lavish waiting
room of the University President's Office. Their appearance
is calm and collected. The Door to the President's office
opens and Ms.Jenkins walks through. She and Ralph lock eyes
and Ms. Jenkin's walks briskly to where he sits.
What are you doing here Ms.
                       MS. JENKIN'S
I think you know why Dean
Kimbrough called me in, Ralph.
But you didn't have anything to do
with this.
Ms. Jenkins regards Ralph coldly and then glances at Tyler
and Clyde before settling back on Ralph.
                       MS. JENKIN'S
I hope you're proud of the choices
you've made, Ralph.
Ms. Jenkin's shakes her head sadly, turns and leaves the
room. Tyler and Clyde look at Ralph with looks of confusion.
Who the hell was that?
                       PRESIDENTS ASSISTANT
President Kimbrough will see you


Clyde, Tyler and Ralph enter President Kimbrough's office.
It is large, lined with books, and extremely intimidating.
President Kimbrough eyes them while sitting from behind his
massive oak desk with an heir of restrained contempt. He
motions to the three chairs in front of his desk.
                       PRESIDENT KIMBROUGH
Please have a seat.
They sit down, all three glance around the massive office.
                       PRESIDENT KIMBROUGH
So, I understand you have
information for me regarding the
accused Robo Cult leaders plaguing
this University?
Yes sir, we do.
We're the students you're looking
for President Kimbrough or, can I
call you Buck?
                       PRESIDENT KIMBROUGH
I'd stick with President Kimbrough
if I were you. You boys realize
you're in a heap of trouble. I
mean big trouble.
Well that's not the way we see it,
                       PRESIDENT KIMBROUGH
Excuse me?
Sir, we're here to lodge a formal
The University Newspaper has
printed a slanderous and
fraudulent article about ourselves
and a few of our friends who
happen to enjoy drinking cough
syrup for medicinal purposes. Of
which, I might add, is not in any
way illegal. However, your
University Newspaper painted a


                       RALPH (cont'd)
very different, very inaccurate
                       PRESIDENT KIMBROUGH
Boys, let me stop you right there.
If you think you can walk into my
office, on my campus, with your
liars veil, let me assure you,
you're gravely mistaken.
Well Buck, let me assure you, the
Attorney's Firm we contacted is
just dying to take this case on.
Go public with it, I think was a
term they used as well as, splash
it across the national news and
insight a social media back lash
against the University and of
course, you.
You see Buck, you know, and we
know, that this anonymous reporter
and their story, weren't fact
checked before publication. There
is no evidence to support that
story. And the allegations that
have been levied against us are
completely and unequivocally,
                       PRESIDENT KIMBROUGH
I had nothing to do with that
story. I'm merely trying to get to
the bottom of it.
Buck, Buck, Buck, come on. We know
you paid a little visit to the
College paper today. Threats were
made publicly, and harsher threats
were made behind closed doors. I
don't think those are the actions
of someone trying to get to the
bottom of things.
Those sound like the actions of
someone tryin' to cover shit up.


You might want to buy a shovel,
Buck, a big one.
President Kimbrough laughs and leans back in his chair
clapping his hands slowly.
                       PRESIDENT KIMBROUGH
Nicely played boys. You do realize
you're not the first to try and
bully me. And quite frankly, all I
see in front of me is a couple of
desperate kids trying to play with
adults. This adult. And I don't
flinch easily.
The witch hunt ends and the story
                       PRESIDENT KIMBROUGH
And in exchange?
We leave the University free and
With a letter of your personal
endorsement to the University of
our choosing.
                       PRESIDENT KIMBROUGH
What's my upside?
We're gone.
And I think you know the downside.
I don't doubt it'd be a very
engaging battle, Buck. Not to
mention a very public one. But I
think you'll agree, it's one
better left alone.
      (Smiles slyly)
For the Universities sake, of


And though, as you clearly pointed
out, that we are desperate kids
playing an adults game. We won't
be the ones playing it.
That's for our hungry ass grown up
Lawyers to tackle.
President Kimbrough eyes them shrewdly.
                       PRESIDENT KIMBROUGH
Consider yourselves dismissed from
this Institution. You will all
receive above average grades for
your classes this semester and
will each...
      (Clears throat)
...you will each receive a letter
of my personal endorsement.
President Kimbrough stands menacingly.
                       PRESIDENT KIMBROUGH
Now get the hell out of my office
before I come to my senses.
No way that's goin' down like that
dude. No way.
Yeah man, I agree. That's just a
lot of wishful thinking.
You guys really don't think we
could pull that off?
Way outa our league. I mean come
on, man. Look at us.
Yeah, and who the hell is Ms.


Doesn't matter.
      (A beat)
Kauai then?
Clyde, Tyler and Ralph sit next to each other on a jet
I can't believe you got us our
loan money so fast.
Clyde looks at Ralph.
Yeah man, that was awesome.
The stars aligned, what can I say?
Yeah, but did we really have to
sell all the furniture in the
We couldn't take it with us.
But we didn't own any of it. We
rented the apartment fully
furnished, dude.
At this point whats another broken
law, right? I mean it netted us
two grand.
Or five to ten.
      (A beat)
Listen Ralphy, I just wanna say
sorry about Mary, man.
What's to be sorry about?


Since the whole Jenny thing, I've
been doing some serious ass soul
'bout time, dude.
Yeah, well, better late than never
So, what did your soul tell you?
Besides that I'm a lousy judge of
character in girlfriends? Mostly
that I've been wrong about a lot
of things. And Mary's one of them.
She's a good egg, dude.
      (A beat)
For a Mary that is.
Thanks Stick, I appreciate that.
Means a lot coming from a guy with
such a torrid Mary past.
The infamous Triad of heart
stomping Mary's.
Those stories never get old.
Listen guys, now that we're
airborn, I have a slight
confession of my own you may or
may not be happy about.
An AIRLINE STEWARDESS approaches with