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Not Ideal
by Benjamin Walter (wallyben3@gmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review:

After being cheated on and dropping out of grad school, Sam is reluctantly moves back to his hometown and live with his parents and his older brother. For someone who hates his hometown his situation is not ideal.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


Sam Frontino is driving down the road in his fully packed
car. He has just dropped out of graduate school and is
driving back home. He passes a sign that reads "Nebraska...
The Good Life" He rolls his eyes and steps on the gas.
      (Voice Over)
Ahh the feeling of the open road,
my name is Sam Frontino and I just
dropped out of graduate school, my
girlfriend has been cheating on
me, I don't have a job,I'm moving
back into my parents house, and my
hometown is equivalent to living
inside of a dumpster full of
sewage. Needless to say this is
not ideal. I have 1,532 miles to
think about what the hell I am
going to do with my life and I'll
need every mile to do so.
Sam is driving through Nebraska and all of a sudden see
lights from a police car flashing behind him. He pulls over
and tries to get his registration and insurance from his
glove box. He is having trouble due to the fact that he has
a garbage can leaning against it.
                       SAM (Annoyed)
Well here is the beginning to
another Children of the Corn
The officer walks up to the window and knocks, Sam rolls the
window down.
Good afternoon officer.
Do you know why I pulled you over
young man?


I imagine I was speeding sir.
You were doing 80 in a 65 zone,
needless to say you were traveling
at an unsafe rate of speed. I will
need to see your license and
Yes sir, I'm having a little
trouble retrieving it, I have this
garbage can in the way. I'm moving
back to Pennsylvania and I just
want to get this trip over as
quick as possible. You see my
The officer interrupts Sam
Listen son, I don't have time for
your sob stories, unless you have
a pair of tits that you are going
to flop out I would suggest you
give me your information so I can
write this ticket and get home to
my horny wife, she's always super
horny after bingo.
That's a little more than I
expected but I can definitely do
that for you sir, at least one of
us will be getting laid tonight.
The police officer takes Sam's information and walks back to
his car. Sam sits for a few minutes until the police officer
returns with the ticket and his information.
Now you have a safe trip back to
Pennsylvania and try to abide by
the posted speed limit.
Thank you sir, have a good day and
enjoy your post bingo sex...


Sam rolls up his window and waits for the police officer to
drive away, he fold his ticket up and puts it in the center
counsel. He turns on his car and gets back on the road.
Sam drives into the late evening and decides to stop for the
night in a suburb of Chicago. He finds a motel 6 and decides
to stop for the night. The hotel is clearly not the best
choice for any traveler, being on a budget Sam has no
      (Looking at the
I've always wanted hepatitis...
Sam grabs a bag from the back seat, exits his car and walks
towards the hotel.
Sam walks up to the front desk, the clerk, Wayne,looks like
he hasn't slept for days and is one tattoo away from being
completely covered. He smells like marijuana and has
absolutely no interest in being there. He is the epitome of
white trash.
Welcome to Motel 6, we always
leave the light on. Would you like
to sleep here?
      (Taken Back)
I think I would, what is your
cheapest room available?
Well.. You can sleep in the lobby
for free.. It can get a little
loud and the couch hasn't been
cleaned in years..
Sam stands there in disbelief
                       WAYNE (Cont)
Also, a guy died there like a
month ago and when he died he shit
all over the couch.


Sam looks over to the couch and sees a big dark stain on the
      (Wide Eyed)
I think I'll just take a room, do
you disinfect those?
Yeah, for the most part, you know
how immigrants can work sometimes
Right... Well I need one bed,
non-smoking please.
We have one left for the night,
its pretty late so I can give it
to you for 45 dollars.
That is great, thank you, I really
appreciate that.
Sam hands Wayne his credit card, Wayne swipes it and does
the billing and hands Sam his keys.
Thank you for choosing Motel 6,
enjoy your stay.
      (Eyes Wide Open)
Thanks, try to relax a little
Sam opens the door and turns on the lights to his room. The
room smells like marijuana and he can hear a group of people
next door. There are hardwood floors and the bed looks to
be clean. He looks into the bathroom and notices some bad
plumbing and electrical tape on the shower head. He notices
there is no soap or shampoo in the bathroom. He turns around
and heads back to the front desk.
Sam approaches Wayne, who is staring into space.


Welcome to Motel 6, we always
leave the light on. Do you want to
sleep here?
      (Not Surprised)
Wayne, I just checked in a few
minutes ago..
Oh yeeeaaahhh, I remember you
Anyway, they forgot to put soap
and shampoo in my room.
Ahhhh.. We don't supply either of
those anymore.. Budget cuts..
Sam gets ready for bed, walks over to the bed and inspects
it to make sure its ok.
      (To himself)
Well there are no visible cum
stains and it doesn't look like
anyone has been murdered in here.
He crawls into bed and turns out the light to go to sleep.
Sam brushes his teeth and washes his face, goes to grab a
different towel from the rack and notices there is dried
blood all over it. He immediately throws the towel on the
      (To himself)
Jesus Christ Wayne!!!


Sam enters the lobby and walks right for the front desk, he
is obviously not happy with his accommodations at the hotel.
Patricia, who is working the front desk notices him and is
noticeably nervous.
      (Thick Spanish
Good Morning sir, how was your
Sam leans forward over the counter to look at Patricia's
name tag.
      (Very mad)
Buenos días Patricia, my stay was
fucking miserable.
Patricia's eyes light up and she starts to sweat.
                       SAM (Cont.)
For starters Wayne has to be the
biggest but nicest douche I have
ever met in my life, the fucking
guy told me I could sleep in the
lobby for Christ sake, who the
hell does that? Does he not know
his job is to sell rooms to
people? Secondly, I'm pretty sure
I am still high from all the weed
being smoked next door; I thought
I was at Woodstock for balls sake.
Don't even get me started on the
bathroom, the shower head had
fucking electrical tape all over
it, the sink drain is clogged
probably from the remaining body
part of the murder that took place
before I stayed there. By the way
some of the evidence is still on
the towels up there El Chapo. And
how about you cheap asses stop
cutting costs and put some soap
and shampoo in your rooms, I'm
Italian we get greasy hair and
skin, you can relate, can't you?
Honestly, I am shocked that my
room wasn't blasted with jizz, you
guys did break from the hotel norm
on that one, so gracias. For some
ungodly reason if I ever have to


                       SAM (cont'd)
drive through here again, I will
take my chances fighting off hobo
rapists at the local homeless
Today is my first day...
Sam realizes what he has just done and feels awful.
I'm sorry Patricia, this has been
an awful couple of days for me. I
walked in my girlfriends apartment
to find her sucking on some dudes
balls, I dropped out of school, I
got a speeding ticket, its just
raining diarrhea all over my face.
The hotel room just put me over
the edge.
Patricia stands up, walks around the counter and gives Sam a
big hug.
      (Consoling Sam)
Don't worry, be happy..
While they are still embracing in the hug, Patricia lets a
wet fart, Sam slowly lets go and moves away from her.
Could have done without that
Patricia, I would like to check
out now. I think maybe you should
check out your underwear as well.
Sam checks out, walks out the door and gets into his car, he
pulls away and makes his way to the interstate. There are a
few shots of him driving through Midwestern states, singing
in the car, drinking coffee and almost falling asleep. He
finally arrives in his hometown.
Sam is driving through town, heading towards his house.
Bradford, Pa is a small town in northwest Pennsylvania. Back
in the early 1900's the town was the richest in the country


due to the oil boom. Now driving through town all Sam sees
are old decrepit buildings with failing businesses sitting
inside them. The streets are filled with welfare pushing
strollers with a trail of young kids behind them. Bradford
is now riddled with drugs and families that move to be close
to their significant other locked up in the federal prison.
Sam pulls into the driveway of his parents house. the house,
a bigger home, white with green shutters, sits at the top of
a hill in a residential area. Sam puts the car in park and
just sits there to collect his thoughts before he walks into
the house. He grabs a bag from the car and makes his way to
the front door. Before he can even knock the door opens.
Jackie, Sam's mother is standing in the doorway, ecstatic to
see him.
Samuel, I am so glad that you are
home safely! We have missed you so
Sam wraps his arms around his mother and gives her a kiss on
the cheek.
Hi mom, it feels nice to be home
and out of that car, it has been a
long trip.
Jackie, still holding on to her youngest child.
I know you aren't thrilled to be
home but we are so happy to see
you and have you around for a
Thanks mom, it really does feel
nice to be here. I know it won't
last long but I am glad to see
you. Where is dad?
Jackie finally lets go of Sam and lets him step inside.


Your father just got done mowing
the lawn, he is outback cleaning
the John Deere.
Does he still talk to it like its
his child?
I think I heard him talking to it
the other night, he told the dang
thing he loved it.
I don't even want to think about
what he does with it when no one's
Sam and his mom walk into the kitchen and sit down, through
the window they see Joe, Sam's father cleaning the lawn
tractor. He spots them and makes his way into the house.
Sammy! Welcome home big guy!
Joe walks up to Sam and gives him a big hug, which almost
breaks Sam's ribs.
      (Barely breathing)
Hey Dad, the yard looks great...
      (Barely breathing)
I can't breathe..
Joe lets go of his son and they both sit down at the kitchen


                       SAM (Cont.)
      (Now breathing)
Thank you, jeez I could go out and
play 9 holes on that yard.
You could but you're still not
allowed to swing clubs in the yard
Why am I not surprised? By the way
where is Mike? I know it's
Saturday but he usually sticks
around the house?
He is out on a date tonight, he
has been seeing this girl for the
past few weeks. We haven't met her
yet but she seems great.
      (Rolling his eyes)
He will probably be proposing to
her soon.
Joe, this is the happiest we have
seen him in a long time, will you
just be happy for him?
Well mom. he has brought home
about 12 girls that he claimed
were the one. I mean this is
probably the longest he has gone
without mentioning that.
Speaking of girlfriends, what
happened with you and Lauren? We
sure wish we would have gotten the
chance to meet her. It sounds like
you really liked her.
Goes into flashback


I had gotten out of class early,
so I was walking through campus. I
knew that Lauren didn't have
morning class so I headed over to
her apartment.
Back to present day at the kitchen table.
      (Shaking his head)
Showing up unannounced at your
girlfriends place only means one
thing. she was cheating on you
wasn't she?
Joe! Please let him tell the
flashback continues.
Sam walks into Lauren's apartment, she's not in the kitchen
or the living room so he head toward the bedroom. He notices
that her little dog is in its cage, which is unusual. He
doesn't hear anything suspicious so he opens the bedroom
door and flips out.
Lauren!! What the fuck!!
Sam has just walked in on his girlfriend performing oral sex
on another man, whose package is massive. She turns around
and covers herself up with the covers, while the male lays
there naked.
Sam, what in the hell are you
doing here? You have class for
another hour and a half!!
Sam pulls up a chair and sits down while the two are still
in bed.
I'm not really concerned about my
class schedule right now. I'm more
concerned about you having this
dudes baseball bat in your mouth.


                       SAM (cont'd)
I mean holy shit, good for you man
but can you please cover that
thing up?
The male pulls a sheet over his bottom half.
Thank you for doing that.
Sam turns his attention back to Lauren but then back to the
Jesus man, they could have a
circus under tent you are
pitching, I could fit a few
friends under that thing. Could
you please get the hell out of
The male gets out of bed, Sam's and Lauren's eyes don't
leave his male parts. He gets dressed and leaves the
apartment without saying a word. Sam then looks at Lauren.
Let's move this conversation to
the kitchen, I can't be in here
much longer.
Sam is leaning against the kitchen wall and Lauren is
sitting at a small kitchen table.
      (Feeling Guilty)
I know this is a lot and I sound
like such a bitch but sometimes
these things happen in life.
I can't believe this is fucking
happening, we have been together
for three years and you're
throwing it all away for what?
Well I think you saw everything
you needed to a few minutes ago.


Yeah I did, it looked like you
were sucking on an arm. How does
that thing even fit inside your
He doesn't put it in there....
Oh my god! Why would you even say
that? How does it even fit there?
Why would you want that?
We are getting off track here,
lets not concern ourselves with
where he is putting his penis.
So tell me, why did you do this?
We have both invested so much into
      (Starts Crying)
I have been so bored, we have
gotten into a rut and I didn't
know what to do about it. I have
just completely fallen out of love
with you Sam. I guess after a
while I didn't see a future with
you. I just stayed around because
I was comfortable and you treated
me so well. I am so sorry babe, I
didn't mean for it to end this
It's okay Lauren, I understand.
Really Sam?
Fuck no! You ruined my life you
evil whore!


Sam walks over to the refrigerator grabs a bottle of
Jägermeister and starts chugging it. He immediately throws
it up all over the kitchen floor.
You're going to have to clean that
Nope. You started this whole mess,
now you can clean it up. Is there
anything else that you want to say
to me?
Will you..
Sam quickly interrupts Lauren
Don't even ask if I will forgive
you, I know you aren't sorry.
You're a bad person and your dog
looks like a rat with cancer. So
fuck you, your dog, and that guys
gigantic hog!
I was going to ask if you would
leave, he is outside waiting to
finish up...
Wow, really?
Sam grabs the Jagermeister one more time.
Maybe you shouldn't do that again?
Sam takes a few gulps from the bottle but doesn't throw it
up this time. He walks towards the door, looks back, shakes
his head and slams the door behind him. From inside you can
hear Sam throwing up in the hallway. Lauren's door opens and
her man is standing there with puke all over him. Lauren
just sits there shaking her head.


Coming back from the flash back Joe and Jackie are sitting
at the table stunned. They can't believe what their normally
reserved son just told them in great detail. Joe and Jackie
are both staring at one another, waiting for the other one
to say something.
      (Clearing Throat)
Well honey, that sure is a lot to
take in. I am so sorry that things
ended so poorly between the both
of you. You spoke so highly of her
and you seemed to be in love with
Yeah, I thought we had something
special, that is for sure. But she
ended up being this massive whore,
who like to take it in the..
Joe interrupts before Sam can finish his sentence.
Sam, I think we understand that
she was a bit loose, or a hoe as
the kids call them these days.
We know you are upset, but there
is no reason to talk like that in
front of your parents. We have
raised you much better than that.
I'm sorry, obviously this whole
break-up thing has taken its toll
on me. I apologize that my ex was
an uber whore.
Samuel Frontino! That is enough of
that language!
Okay, okay, everyone lets just
relax. Sam, please watch your


Okay, I'm sorry that is the last
time I mention her being a whorey,
slut... I promise that was the
last time.. I know I am better
than that and should take the high
Jackie, clearly upset with the way her son is talking
decides to change the subject,
      (Clears Throat)
So is that why you have decided to
drop out of school and move back
home? Because of this break-up?
Your dad and I are very concerned.
      (All Serious)
Well obviously finding Lauren in
bed with another guy, who was
blessed with perhaps the biggest
tonsil tickler that I have ever
seen, was really tough on me.
Joe tries to hold back laughter at the mention of "tonsil
After a few days of being in an
alcoholic haze and going to class
drunk, I finally sobered up and
realized that I truly wasn't that
happy out there. I was sitting
through these classes that I had
no interest in. I was there
because I thought I needed that
Master's Degree to get anywhere in
life. I also stuck around because
I honestly thought Lauren and I
had a shot to be together for a
long time. Obviously things didn't
workout that way. But that could
have been the best thing that
happened to me. It made me realize
that I wasn't all that happy to
begin with and that I want to find
something that I love and actually
pursue in life. I mean most people
wake up in the morning and barf at
the thought of going to work. I


                       SAM (cont'd)
know both of you don't love your
jobs but you got up every morning
to support all of us. I just want
to be happy and not want to hang
myself every morning.
We knew there had to be more to it
than the break-up, you are a very
strong young man. We both want you
to be happy and do what makes you
happy. No matter what you choose
to do in life we will support you.
You know you can stay here as long
as you need to.
Your brother is 30 and we still
haven't kicked him out yet, so you
have time to figure things out.
Thank you guys, I just felt like I
was wasting my time pursuing
something that I didn't love. I
don't want to wake up one morning
and think to myself what the fuck
have I don't the last forty years
of my life... Sorry about saying
fuck... Sorry for that one too..
Jackie gives Sam the death stare.
Well I reached out to Mr.
Stevenson and he said he would
love for you to come work for him
while you figure things out. He
has some ideas for you out at the
That is very nice of him, I guess
it won't be bad working with him
and Shane for a while. I can't
complain about working with my
friend I suppose.
You are lucky to have such good
friends with great families.


It also helps to have friends with
parents who own their own company
and make a ton of money as well.
Yes, that never hurts. Who knows
maybe you will love the job and
make a lot of money yourself
Yeah, we will see, I don't love
the idea of living here but you
never know pops.
Sam stands up and hugs both of his parents.
I love you both, thank you for
everything, I know I can stress
you both out but I appreciate you
guys more than you will ever know.
We love you too honey, we want
what's best for you and we want
you to be happy.
You start with the Stevenson's on
Monday. They said to show up
around 9, that's when they usually
get there.
I can deal with starting work at
9. Thank you guys again for
understanding and letting me move
back into the house.
Well the homeless shelters and the
YMCA were both full.. We checked..
You're a dick
Sam's receives a text on his phone. He reads it and replies.


I am going to run over to Kevin's
for a little bit. We are going to
have a beer and catch up.
Alright, tell Kevin we said hello.
Sam leaves the house and shuts the door behind him.
Kevin lives in a small two bedroom house that his parents
own, its old inside but they did their best to make it look
nice with new paint and furniture. Its a good starter home
for him and his girlfriend Rosie.
Sam walks in the door, Kevin meets him in the hallway.
Who the hell is this walking into
my house?
What's going on buddy? This place
is a dump..
Well you are still an asshole, I
guess you haven't changed much.
They hug quick and walk into the living room.
Sam sits down and Kevin brings in two beers for them.
How was the drive back? Glad to
see your car made it.
Man, that drive was brutal, a
little over 1,500 miles by myself.
I will never do that again, I can
promise you that.


I figured you would have stopped a
few times to pick up some Lot
Lizards to keep you company.
I thought about it but I didn't
have any room for them. I could
have used the company.
That's unfortunate, I hear they
will do anything for a few bucks.
      (Weirded Out)
Where the hell did you hear that?
I saw it on Dateline one night,
the industry is just blowing up.
Yikes.. Where is Rosie?
Oh she got called in to work, I
guess they were short handed on
the floor tonight.
When are you going to pop the
question? You two have been
together 9 years, shouldn't you
know by now?
Well that's why I wanted you to
come over tonight, I bought the
ring yesterday. I'm going to
propose tomorrow man.
Holy balls, that is amazing buddy.
It's about time! What brought this
Well things have been great with
the new job and her promotion. We
are both where we want to be and
it's just time. I know I'm ready


                       KEVIN (cont'd)
for it.
I couldn't be any more happy for
you buddy, that is amazing! I know
you two will be very happy
What are your thoughts? Do you
think it's the right decision? Do
you like her?
Kevin, you have been with her for
nine years, if I didn't like her I
would have said something a long
time ago. It's the best move you
could make. She treats you like a
king, she is loyal, and would do
anything for you. Plus she is like
one of the guys, I can swear and
fart in front of her. It's a win
win situation.
Yeah you are right, I just wanted
to confirm everything.. She could
be running around with other guys
and cheating, I would say she is
perfect. I would feel like such an
idiot if someone ever cheated on
me, finding out would be so
Lauren cheated on me....
Don't worry about it man, you
didn't know.
I knew I had a bad feeling about
her when we came out to visit you.
There was something about her, I
couldn't put my finger on it, but
I knew.


Yeah, I walked in on her blowing
some guy in her bed.
Oh shit, that is awful buddy, I'm
sorry. Did you kick his ass?
I didn't do anything, the guys hog
was massive, looked like she was
eating a five dollar foot long.
Was it nine grain honey oat?
The color of the sub roll, was it
Ohhh, it was Italian bread, he was
white. You could have just asked.
That could have made it so much
It still doesn't help the fact
that she cheated on me. It just
hurts even worse that you could
pole vault with that thing.
So what did she say?
Pretty much that she got bored
with me and that she didn't love
me anymore. She asked me to leave
so she could finish with the guy.
So I chugged a bunch of liquor and
threw up on her floor and may have
gotten a little on him when I
left. I feel like in the end I won
that battle.


Yeah I totally agree, you puked,
he probably came back in showered
and then his penis probably puked
all over her.
Maybe I didn't win...
What a bitch though, I can't
believe she would do that to you.
Well from what you are saying it
was a long time coming..
I'm sorry buddy, you don't deserve
that at all. There are other girls
out there.
Not in this town man, everyone has
banged everyone. Its like a
sequoia tree of Eskimo brothers.
I'm not into that at all.
Maybe Rosie has some friends at
the hospital she can hook you up
with? I mean they have to be clean
to work at a hospital right?
I'm not going to hold my breath
but she can try. I'm sure you can
still have an STD and work there
Yeah, that would be
So tell me about this new job? You
are working at WP Lighters now?
I am, working as a credit analyst.
All I do is check other companies
credit ratings. Then I can raise
it or lower it, or deny them from


                       KEVIN (cont'd)
buying lighters. Actually just
check the credit on Brazzers the
other day. Phenomenal Credit
Did they hook you up with a free
Not yet, but I can feel it coming
any day now. What about you, what
are you going to do for work now?
I'm going to work for the
Stevenson's for now, they have
some stuff for me to do at the
office. I start Monday morning.
Well that should definitely be
interesting. You'll have to let me
know how that goes.
Yeah it shouldn't be too bad.
Speaking of interesting, is Rosie
taking your last name Mr.
She better or I'm not marrying
Oh alright, I'm just curious. You
haven't thought about that at all?
Kevin finally gets what Sam is talking about and he gets
Fuck, her name is going to be
Rosie O'Donnell..
You are going to be married to
Betty Rubble!


Kevin is speechless.
      (Still Laughing)
Oh man this is too good, how have
we never thought about that
This is just so awful, I mean at
least she doesn't look like the
real Rosie right? She likes guys
and stuff..
      (Still Laughing)
I need to get going buddy, I'll
let you know how work is on
Monday. In the mean time don't
watch any Flintstone movies.
God you are such a dick...
Sam and Kevin both chug the rest of their beers.
Sam is sitting in his car outside of RS Janitorial Services.
He is waiting for someone to show up so he can go inside.
The building, industrial looking, tin siding and no sign,
sits on a busy road outside of town.
Rodney's truck finally shows up, he parks, gets out of the
truck and approaches Sam's car. Sam steps out of the car, he
is dressed in business casual clothing.
Good Morning, Mr. Stevenson, how
are you?
Rodney dressed in cargo shorts, old t-shirt and crocs.
Hey Sam, little tired, blondie
kept me up last night. She wanted
to tie me up and get a little


That sounds like something worth
staying up for.
I like a little junk in the trunk
but she needs to work on that junk
in her front. I like a little
something to play with.
I hear you there sir, I will not
fight you on that one. But I would
like to thank you for letting me
work here, I really appreciate it.
I have always wanted you working
here, I've seen something special
in you since you were a young kid.
We are excited to have you here.
Rodney unlocks the door and they head inside the building.
They walk through the hall and come to Sam's office. Rodney
opens the door and they step inside.
Well here is the new marketing
directors office! It's a little
tight but we will get it all fixed
up for you.
Sam steps in the small office and takes a look around. There
is no desk, just a counter, where his computer sits, no
window, and pale green walls, there is also a Chinese
restaurant calendar hanging on the wall.
      (Looking around)
So this is how the other half
works huh?
Not too shabby, work hard for us
and maybe we will get you a


So basically what we will have you
do is cold calling. We have a CRM
full of businesses we would like
to pursue for cleaning. We have a
script that you can follow and
once you get the hang of it you
can just adlib the calls. We also
have these files
Rodney grabs a huge box of files and drags them out. They
are just thrown in the box, not filed.
                       RODNEY (Cont.)
that you can go through, we don't
have these in the CRM so you can
get all of these uploaded as well.
I know this isn't the ideal job
but every lead we get is
commission for you, so you can
make some serious money. How's a
company Range Rover sound?
Sam doesn't seem overly thrilled with what he will being
doing while working at RS Janitorial Services.
What do I have to do to get that?
Well we have been trying to cut
down on sexual harassment in the
office so just make me boat loads
of money so I never have to come
in here.
There is a chance I would blow
someone for a Range Rover.
I'll keep that in mind.... Just
kidding... But seriously I will.
People are starting to come into work, doors are opening and
closing and people are making their way into their offices.
Why don't I walk you around the
office and introduce you to


Rodney is walking Sam through the hallways of the building
and they come to the first office. This office belongs to
Rita Bogenshautz. Rita wears nothing but black to work every
single day.
Hey there Johnny Cash!
Rita is scared by Rodney yelling at her and turns around
Holy shit Steve! You scared the
hell out of me! I may have pooped
a little bit!
Sam is clearly taken back by her comments. Rodney is not
bothered one bit by what she says.
I wanted to introduce you to our
new director of marketing. This is
Sam Frontino, he has the office
right down from you. Rita does all
of our payroll and billing here.
Rita's eyes are as big as golf balls when she looks at Sam.
Hi Rita, it is nice to meet you.
My goodness you are a cutie!
Sam isn't really sure how to respond to her compliment.
Thank you.. That is very nice of
you to say..
Rita shifts in her seat
I really didn't poop my pants when
Steve scared me.


It's ok if you pooped your pants,
things happen. I've pooped my
pants before.
Okay, I may have pooped a little
She turns her attention to Rodney.
I think I'm going to check myself
in the bathroom. I may have to
head home for a little to change.
Whatever you need to do
Rita turns her attention back to Sam.
Good first day Sam, it was nice
meeting you!
It was nice meeting you as well,
good luck with your situation you
have going there.
Awe you're sweet!
Rodney and Sam leave Rita's office and head down the hall.
She knows your name isn't Steve
Oh yeah, she does, we never call
each other by our real names. We
like to have fun around here, keep
it loose.
Do you think she really pooped her
I'm going to go out on a limb and
say yes. You will learn she
doesn't really sugar coat


                       RODNEY (cont'd)
anything, she is a straight
shooter. I'm afraid of her.
Maybe I'll just give her a little
Rodney and Sam enter another office, this one belonging to
Leslie Nutter.
Good Morning Ms. Leslie, how are
you doing today?
The night crew did not pick up my
garbage last night. That is
Well I'll be sure to tell them
when I speak with them today.
Good, that is just ludacris, it's
an easy job.
Sam is standing there shocked that Leslie is speaking to the
owner that way.
Anyway, I want to introduce you to
our new director of marketing, Sam
Sam reaches out his hand to greet Leslie, she extends her
hand with her wrist bent downward. He awkwardly shakes her
limp hand.
Nice to meet you Ms. Nutter.
I would shake your hand but my
carpal tunnel is acting up this
morning. And it's Mrs. Nutter, but
you can call me Leslie.


Alright, Leslie, it was nice to
meet you, I hope you feel better.
I have a lot of typing to do
today, so it will not feel better
any time soon.
Well have a good day Leslie!
Rodney and Sam leave Leslie's office and walk down the hall.
Rodney heads towards the exit.
Well I have already spent too much
time here today, I'm going to the
lake. Have a good day Sam.
Thank you again for giving me this
opportunity. You have no idea how
much I appreciate it.
You're welcome, Shane should be in
soon to give you some direction
with the cold calling and our CRM.
Alright, well have a good day sir.
Sam wonders back to his office, sits down, and turns on his
computer. It takes a few minutes to start up, he checks his
phone and then starts browsing the internet. Thirty minutes
later he is still sitting on the internet, waiting for Shane
to come in to work so he can give him some direction. A few
minutes later Shane walks in his office.
Hey buddy, welcome home!
Sam stands up and they hug real quick
Thanks buddy, it feels nice to be
back. Nice to know I'll be in one
place for a little while.


Ah I bet, how was Wyoming though?
I know classes and work wasn't
great but what about everything
else? Was it chill?
Yeah, it was amazing out there.
All the hiking and biking you
could ever ask for, awesome
breweries, the bars were pretty
wild. It was great outside of
school life.
Man, that sounds super chill. You
were close to Denver then right?
I sure was, I only went there a
handful of times. It's a pretty
cool town, lots to do there.
That is so chill, I want to go
visit Denver sometime. Did you
smoke any pot there or anything?
Sam is irritated with the overuse of the word "chill" by
Umm no I didn't, I'm not really
into that stuff. It's everywhere
but it's just not for me.
I don't do that stuff either man,
I just like to drink a nice bottle
of pinot and relax.
Sam is taken back by what he has just heard.
That's chill man, do you like it
chilled or not chilled? Just chill
and drink some chill pinot?
Shane has no idea Sam is busting his balls.


It depends if I chill it or not,
either way its a nice little treat
for me.
Sam can't take any more.
So you're dad told me what I would
be doing, but he said you would
show me the ropes first.
Yeah, I can show you what we want
you to do. Let me go check my
e-mail and make something to eat
real quick. Need to get my protein
in first.
Alright buddy, just come back
whenever you are set.
Shane leaves Sam's office. Sam then sits there for two more
hours before he gets on the company intercom to call Shane.
Hey, ah are you going to show me
what to do?
Yeah, I just have to run to the
doctor real quick. I will show you
everything when I get back.
Alright, sounds good.
A few more hours go by, Sam downloads a music player, turns
circles in his chair, gets on Wikipedia, a few other
websites, eats lunch, and plays on his phone. Shane finally
returns with an hour left in the day. He comes into Sam's
office. He clearly just had sex, his hair was messed up and
had a wet spot on his pants.
Sorry buddy, I didn't think my
appointment would take that long.
Sam sees the wet spot on his pants but doesn't say anything.


Hey, no worries, I have just been
messing around with a few things
Oh yeah? What have you been
working on?
I looked at the CRM and went
through some of these files.
Shane's phone starts to ring, he takes it out of his pocket
and checks it.
I have to take this, lets just
start fresh tomorrow. We probably
don't have much time anyway.
It's your world man.
Shane leaves the office to answer the phone. Sam leans back
in his chair and closes his eyes.
Sam walks into work and I walking down the hall. He passes
Shane's office. Shane is sitting in there playing with his
phone. Sam stands in his doorway.
Sam startles Shane
Morning buddy, you scared me
there. Are you ready to make some
money today?
I am, are you going to have a few
minutes to show me the ropes or
should I just dive in?


No, I'll help you right now, we
will just go over everything real
quick. It's pretty straight
forward, I think you'll pick it up
quick. You can read right?
Sam hangs his head.
No, No I can't read. I only have a
degree in history you nut sack.
Hmmmm, well I don't think this is
going to workout then.
Come on lets go, I'm not going to
sit around with my thumb up my
butt all day.
You probably couldn't even feel
that thumb huh?
Sam walks away and heads to his office, Shane gets out of
his chair and follows him.
Sam sits down in his chair and starts up his computer. Shane
enters his office a few seconds later and pulls up a chair.
Alright, I'll show you the CRM
real quick, it's pretty easy to
navigate. You'll use it when you
make a call or when you are
entering information from those
Shane is zooming around the website, clicking all over the
place not giving Sam any time to ask questions.
                       SHANE (Cont)
So when you connect with someone
or just adding info from the
files, you are going to put the
name, phone number and address


                       SHANE (cont'd)
right here.
Shane clicks a few blank space and adds in a phony name,
number and address. He clicks into another box and starts
typing notes.
                       SHANE (Cont)
Then you can just type any other
information they give you in this
box. After that just hit save and
you move on to the next one. Any
questions on that?
Everything seems pretty straight
Shane turns toward Sam.
Have you ever made a cold call
I haven't, but I have talked with
people I've never met before over
the phone.
That's perfect, I wrote you a
little script to follow when you
make a call. It's pretty easy
stuff, you may just want to close
your door for the first few. It
can be a little uncomfortable at
Sam sits there nodding his head.
                       SHANE (Cont)
All the information on the
companies you are calling are
located on the CRM.
Shane opens Sam's email and opens up the script he had typed
for the cold calling.
                       SHANE (Cont)
Here is the script I came up with,
after a few calls and you are
comfortable feel free to adlib
what you want. You are good


                       SHANE (cont'd)
talking with people, I'm not
worried. So do you have any
questions? It's all pretty
straight forward.
I don't think so, I should be good
to go. Seems easy enough, call
strangers and see if they want
their building cleaned.
Exactly, you got this. Piece of
Shane gets up and moves the chair back against the wall and
starts to leave Sam's office.
                       SHANE (Cont)
Well I'll let you be, if you have
any questions just let me know.
Yeah I was just wond....
Shane shuts the door before Sam can even get his question
out. Sam turns around, faces the computer and picks up the
phone to start dialing.
Phone is ringing.
Hi this is Sam from RS Janitorial
Services in Bradford, PA. I was
wondering if there was someone I
could speak to about cleaning for
your facility?
Sam is hung up on.
Sam looks at the phone, gets a dial tone and hangs the phone
back on the receiver.
Sam picks the phone back up and dials another number, he is
tapping his pen on the desk anxiously waiting for someone to
pick up the other line.


Hi this is Sam from RS Janitorial
Services in Bradford, PA. I was
wondering if there was someone I
could speak to about cleaning for
your facility?
He is put on hold, while they transfer his call to a
decision maker. He sits there and looks at his phone, checks
his texts, then looks up to his computer screen.
Finally after a minute or two he gets a voicemail, not sure
what to do he decides to leave a message.
Good Morn....
Sam realizes he has no idea what he should say and he hangs
up the phone. Decided to scroll down on the script Shane had
given him and he finds a script for voicemails.
Maybe should have checked that out
before I made that call.
Sam goes back to the phones and makes multiple calls with no
success. He eats some lunch, then goes back to the phones,
still not finding any success.
4:00 PM hits and Sam gets ready to leave. He heads to his
car, gets inside and starts down the road. His phone rings,
he pulls it out of his pocket and sees that Kevin is calling
Hey Kev, what's going on?
Oh not much, just left work a
little early. How have the first
two days been?
Oh they have been going just
great, Monday I literally didn't
do anything and today I talked to
receptionists and message
machines.. It's really been a
wonderful first two days. I've
only thought about suicide 37
times. I have a tally going on my


                       SAM (cont'd)
white board.
Well that doesn't sound like a bad
start. How would you feel about
going to get a few drinks Friday
night, seems like they may do you
some good?
You can't go tonight?
I have so much shit going on at
home and at work I barely have
time to shave my pubes, it's like
the rain forest down there, if
they weren't cutting it down.
Why would you shave your pubes at
work? That seems so uncomfortable
and not a good idea.
You know what I mean, I couldn't
come up with anything else. I'm
just busy the next few nights.
Plus I'm trying to figure out how
to propose to Rosie, that's a
Sam almost hits a bum that walks out in front of his car.
      (Yelling at the
What the fuck were you thinking??
Are you a moron!?
Why didn't you tell me you didn't
approve the other night? What the
fuck man, I was so set on


Oh I wasn't talking to you, I
almost hit some scummer, he walked
right out in front of me. He was
almost a hood ornament.
Jesus man, you scared me. Alright
well meet me at The Oil Rig Friday
night at 9.
What the hell is The Oil Rig?
It's the new bar downtown it used
to be the Bradford Hotel.
Well it sounds like a place where
I would go to get touched in the
butt by dudes... And they wouldn't
be using their hands either..
Just meet me there, it's not that
Alright, I'll see you there at 9.
Take a few minutes and shave
tonight, I'm concerned.
They hang up the phone and Sam almost hits a kid who can't
be more than 10 years old runs out in front of him. He slams
on the brakes and the kid stares at him then flips him off.
Sam is getting ready to head to the bar to meet Kevin, Rosie
and a few other friends. His room hasn't changed much since
high school. When he was younger he moved into his sister's
old room. There is pink carpet and a teddy bear light
switch. He has some posters hanging up of 90's rock bands,
there are also old sports trophies and plaques in his room.
He sleeps in a single bed with a quilt his mom made for him.
Sam, knowing Bradford isn't the classiest place, decides to
wear a polo to the bar.


Sam walks out of his bedroom and goes to the bedroom next
door and knocks on the door.
Mike, are you in there?
      (Through the door)
Who is it?
      (Through the door)
This is your brother Sam, I live
right next to you. I just moved
home from Wyoming. We used to
share this room.
Mike opens the door, Sam steps in and Mike closes it behind
Mike's room is largely filled with sports memorabilia and
old sports trophies. His room smell predominately of
marijuana and axe body spray.
Mike walks over, sits on his bed and resumes his game of
NCAA football on Xbox.
Sam sit in a rocking chair on the other side of the room.
Who are you playing?
Mike, not even blinking while playing.
I'm kicking the shit out of Pitt
right now. My quarterback is so
good, he has 2,300 yards passing
and 36 touchdowns, plus another
1,200 rushing with 10 t's. If he
doesn't win the Heisman I'll be so
That is a pretty impressive
season. What year are you in?


This is 2036, I've won 15 straight
national titles.
Wow, that is insane, that's a lot
of games.
Yeah, well, I don't have much more
to do so.
Why don't you come out with us for
a while, have a few drinks. It
will be fun, it's just a few of us
going to The Oil Rig. Which I
still don't agree with that name.
No man, I'm good, you know how I
am with crowds and shit. I'll
probably just play this for a
while and call it a night. I'm
pretty tired anyway, it's been a
long week.
Well if you don't want to go,
could you give me a ride down
Yeah, I can do that, will you need
a ride home too?
Yeah, if you don't mind could you?
I know you'll be stoned so I'll
buy you McDonalds.
Mike looks away from the TV for the first time.
You have yourself a deal.
Mike's car pulls into the parking lot of The Oil Rig. Sam
steps out of the car and shuts the door. Mike rolls down the


Just shoot me a text whenever you
are ready. Let me know if anything
I'll let you know, thanks for the
Sam walks through the parking lot and walks into The Oil
The Oil Rig is one of the nicer bars in town, most of the
riff raff stay away from this establishment due to the fact
that you cannot smoke inside. It's a popular spot for young
adults and some older people who are looking to pick up
younger women. Although being named "The Oil Rig" there is
nothing to do with oil inside, it's a basic sports bar.
Sam enters the Oil Rig and immediately spots Kevin and
Rosie. Rosie sees Sam and she runs over to him and gives him
a big hug.
Sam, it is so good to see you! I
am glad you're home!
Hey Rosie, how are you doing? You
look great.
I am doing well, I can't believe
you are home! Come on over we have
a table, you have to fill me in on
your life!
Sam and Rosie make their way over to a table where Kevin has
already ordered him a beer. They take a seat at the table.
So tell me about everything, what
a bitch!
Sam takes a drink of his beer, puts it down and then takes
another drink.


Well I went to Lauren's apartment
after class one day to see her and
I walked in on her with another
guy in bed, a football player none
the less. She said that I had got
boring and that she no longer
wanted anything with me.
Oh my god, I am so sorry Sam, she
really messed things up, she is
going to regret it some day, maybe
not now, but some day.
Sam takes a few more drinks from his beer.
You know, I was pretty tore up for
a little but then I realized how
unhappy I was with her and what I
did to please her and make it
work. It wasn't worth it and now
it's my time to do what I want and
pursue the things I love.
That's the right attitude to have,
plus I may have a girl for you,
she is so sweet and cute, I think
you two would be so great for one
Tell me more about this..
Sam is interrupted by a hand on his shoulder, the hand of
former classmate Steve Sandler.
You have to be shitting on my
face, cause I can't see real well.
Is this THE Sam Frontino?
Sam turns around in his chair to see who is speaking. He is
not surprised to see Steve and he is less than thrilled that
he has found him in the bar.
      (Trying to be nice)
Steve, how are doing?


Steve grabs a chair and sits down at the table with Sam,
Kevin and Rosie.
      (Under his breath)
I didn't ask you to sit down.
Things are aces man, got a girl
faking a pregnancy on me, at least
I hope she is faking it, if not my
girlfriend is going to kill me.
You shouldn't be cheating on your
girlfriend Steve, that's terrible.
Are you still dating the same girl
from high school Steve?
Steve chugs his beer.
Nooo, we broke up, she went to
college so that was the end of
So what are you doing these days?
Well I am still working for Sayer
Manufacturing. I have a double
wide that I bought a few years ago
and a jacked up Chevy.
A girl walks by and Steve stops talking and follows her with
his eyes.
                       STEVE (Cont.)
I make 60 grand a year just
fucking around in some warehouse,
how funny is that?
That's great Steve, sounds like
things are going great for you.


I can't believe I am sitting here
with the buds from high school,
man we had some great times. Rosie
you still look sexy as hell.
Rosie looks disgusted.
Well she is still my girlfriend so
don't even try anything Sandler.
Jesus, you still haven't married
this fine piece Kevin? What the
fuck are you waiting for, with a
body like that, I wouldn't ever
leave my bed man. Wife that shit
      (Still grossed out)
Yeah Kev, wife this shit up.
                       ROSIE (Cont.)
And Steve you are absolutely
Thank you Rosie.
Another girl walks by the table that catches Steve's eye.
Hey honey, I have a foot fetish,
can I suck on your toes?
The girl turns around sees Steve and walks away disturbed.
Really? That's what you say to
Hey you never know, you miss 100%
of the shots you don't take!
Speaking of shots lets do one for
old time sake!
Steve gets up from the table and walks to the bar. Through
all the noise you can hear him talking to a girl.


Excuse me ma'am, you know what
comes after 69? Mouth Wash.
Still sitting at the table Sam, Kevin and Rosie continue
their conversation.
Wow, Steve Sandler, what in the
world. Anyway, please tell me
about this girl.
Well her name is Amy Lawrence, she
works with me at the hospital.
Well actually she is a nursing
student but works at the hospital
as a nurses aid. She is super
cute, smart and has a great
Is she from around here? I don't
know the name?
She's from around here, she is
only twenty but she looks and acts
much older. She is a sweetheart, I
know you two would hit it off!
Sam looks at Kevin
Kevin, what are your thoughts, do
you know her? Have you seen her?
Kevin afraid to get in trouble just nods his head for
Alright, well how am I going to
meet her? I don't know how this
stuff works?
Just as Rosie is about to speak Steve walks back with 5
Shots are here, I hope you guys
like Fireball!


Steve sits down and passes three shots out to Sam, Kevin and
Rosie. He sets three in front of himself and raises a shot
to toast.
Here is to Sam making his way back
to town after so many years.
A third girl walks by Steve and catches his eye.
                       STEVE (Cont.)
And also to that girls ass that I
want to impregnate.
      (Shaking his head)
That doesn't even make sense.
The four touch their shots together and drink them down.
Steve then takes the next two and stands up.
Well guys, it has been great but I
need to find something to put my
penis inside tonight.
Sam, Kevin and Rosie all start saying goodbye at the same
time and Steve walks away.
Sam, Kevin and Rosie continue their conversation like
nothing ever happened.
So we are having a cookout
tomorrow and she is invited. That
would be the perfect way to
introduce you two to one another.
Alright, that sounds easy enough,
not a whole lot of pressure in a
group setting, I can deal with
That way if you aren't feeling it
you don't have to talk to her, but
I have a feeling you will really
like her buddy, she is great.


Kevin is right, you two will hit
it off!
Steve walks up to the table again and interrupts.
Do any of you have a dental dam I
can borrow?
All three sitting at the table are dumbfounded.
Sorry Steve, used my last one the
other day, I'm clean out.
Sam pulls out his wallet and starts looking through it.
Nope, must have left them off my
shopping list last time.
Steve stands there staring at Rosie, expecting her to have
one on her.
She gives him a blank stare back.
Alright, well looks like I'll just
have to use that piece of plastic
wrap from the bartender.
Steve walks away towards the bar.
Well, I think it's time for me to
go, I don't think I could be
anymore uncomfortable.
We are leaving too, do you need a
ride home?
That would be great, it would save
me from buying my brother


Alright well lets get out of here.
Sam, Kevin and Rosie get up and head towards the door. As
they are walking out Steve yells from the bar. Steve is
standing there with a piece of plastic wrap in his hand and
a girl on his arm. He is waving the plastic wrap in the air.
I'm all set guys! See ya later!
All three shake their head and walk out of the bar.
Sam is walking down the hall towards his room when he
notices a window open in the bathroom. He walks in the
bathroom and smells pot. He figures Mike is out on the roof
smoking. He crawls through the window, and spots Mike on the
Mike is sitting there smoking a joint, he takes a puff.
Hey man, how was the bar?
Sam walks over and sits next to Mike.
Eh it was alright, had a few beers
and ran into some people I never
wanted to see again.
Were there a lot of people there?
No it was pretty dead. I
definitely didn't miss the bar
scene around here. It is sad to
see some of those people that
never left and don't do shit.
Well I never left..


But you work and are a productive
member of society. There is a
Mike takes another hit of his joint.
I wish I was like you Sammy, I
would love to be able to pack up
and leave here and never come
back. I've been rotting in this
town for too long man.
In all honesty, what is stopping
Debt, school payments, car
payment, all these doctor bills,
anxiety, depression, job, money, I
think that's about it.
I understand the money part, but
the thing that gets me is the
depression and anxiety. I don't
know where it all came from. It
seems like in high school and
college you were this confident,
outgoing, athletic guy and then
all of a sudden one day you were
completely different. I don't have
this shit so it's hard for me to
understand but it just doesn't
make sense to me.
Mike takes another hit of his joint.
You don't think I wonder about
that everyday? It was like a
fucking switch was turned or
something, then I started going to
see these doctors and therapists
and now I'm taking three different
pills a day. I can't function
without them.
Mike lifts his joint for a second.


                       MIKE (Cont)
This is the only thing that helps
me keep calm and relaxed, this
makes me sleep at night.
He reaches the joint out to Sam.
Do you want to take a hit? You
have never smoked with me before?
Sam sits there and thinks about it for a second.
Fuck it.
Sam takes a long hit from the joint and immediately starts
Atta boy, cough it up, you look
like a girl after her first deep
Fuck you.
You just don't know how much I
look up to you. You have your shit
together, you're going move away
again and be successful and I am
going to live here with mom and
dad for the rest of my life
because I can't get out of my own
Mikey, you can do anything you
want to, I know it's easier said
then done but fuck all that
depression shit man. I have seen
you suffer for way to long. You
have too much potential just to
sit and rot in this town. You are
good looking, have an amazing
personality, and you can talk to
anyone. You have so much potential
to do so many awesome things, you
just need to get better. I have
all the faith in the world in you
and you sit here and think you


                       SAM (cont'd)
don't have shit to offer. It
drives me insane.
      (Looking Down)
Thanks Sammy, I appreciate it, you
just don't understand how tough it
is. You don't know what I go
through on a daily basis. There
are times where I can't even
function at work, I am constantly
fighting a battle inside my head.
There are days when it takes
everything in my power not to
break down and cry because of
Mike pauses for a minute and keeps his head down.
You know... There have been times
when I would sit in my room and
have a gun in my mouth, just
wanting to end it all. There were
times when I thought there was
nothing left to live for, I
thought my whole life was just
going to be this uphill battle of
crawling through shit. But you
know why I didn't do it?
I could never put that on mom and
dad or you. You guys would have to
live with that the rest of your
Promise me you will never do that,
why don't you tell me these
things? I knew about your anxiety
and depression but I never knew it
was this bad.
Because you don't want to sit and
listen to me talk about all my
problems and how bad my life is.
You don't need to be burdened with


                       MIKE (cont'd)
I'm your fucking brother, I love
you and care about you, you can
talk to me about anything, don't
ever feel like you would burden me
with any of that. I am more than
willing to sit down with you and
talk and help with anything I can.
I can't believe you would even
think I would be burdened with
that. That's what brothers are for
Mike, Jesus..
      (Head still down)
Thanks Sammy, I appreciate that, I
just didn't know how to tell you
or bring it up..
Don't ever be afraid or ashamed to
tell me anything, I'm your
brother, if you can't tell me
something who can you tell?
My therapist...
Sam looks down for a second, then looks over at Mike.
Where the hell did you get the gun
50 Cent?
Don't worry about it, it's gone
Alright Plexico, lets go inside, I
think we both need a little sleep.


Mike and Sam have all types of food out on the kitchen
counter. They are both shoveling food into their mouths.
      (Mouth full of
I told you I wasn't feeling
Sam is sleeping in his bed, all of a sudden his phone starts
to ring. He looks at it and sees that Kevin is calling him.
He thinks about letting it go but then decides to answer it.
      (Half Asleep)
Kevin, it's too early to be
calling, did someone die?
She said yes buddy! I asked Rosie
to marry me this morning! I am
getting married, I want you to be
in the wedding, will you be in my
Ahhh, I'll have to think about it
buddy, when do you need to know
by? I may be busy that day..
You are such a dick!
I'm kidding buddy, It would be an
honor to stand next to you while
you get married, congratulations!
I am so happy for you and the
future Rosie O'Donnell.
Thanks buddy, can't wait to
celebrate with you today, it's
going to be a good day. Come over
around one, or whenever you want.


I can't wait to hear all about it
buddy, I'll see you in a little
Sam hangs up the phone, lays his head back down on the
pillow and stares at the ceiling.
Kevin is standing at the kitchen counter preparing food to
take out to the grill. Sam walks in the front door and makes
his way to the kitchen.
There he is, congratulations
buddy! I am proud of you, it only
took you eight years to figure out
you lover her.
Thanks buddy, I was so nervous, I
can't believe she said yes!
Really? She stayed with you for
eight years with no ring in sight,
you are really surprised she said
yes? You bought a truck and a boat
before you bought her a ring, come
on man.
That is true, point taken. You are
late she is here, anxiously
waiting to meet you!
Well I didn't want to get here too
early, I didn't want to come off
too eager.
Good plan, you look good, she will
love you. Let's go outside.
Sam and Kevin walk out the back door to the porch to join
the rest of the group.


Standing around on the back porch are Rosie, Scott
Washington, Shane Stevenson, his girlfriend, Pug Simpson,
Amy Lawrence, Cole and Kate Booker. They are all standing
around chatting and enjoying drinks. Rosie is showing
everyone her engagement ring and telling them how Kevin
proposed. Sam notices how cute Amy is, they make eye contact
and smile at one another. Scott Washington is enjoying the
drinks a little too much, everyone knows that Scott has a
drinking problem.
Sam is immediately met at the door by an inebriated Scott
Hey buddy, welcome home.
Scott and Sam hug for a second.
Thanks man, how are you doing?
Start a little early today?
Yeah man, I heard you were back in
town and I figured we would be
celebrating, so I had a fifth or
so this morning.
Ahh the breakfast of champions. No
better way to start the day then a
little cirrhosis.
I'm going to grab a drink, do you
want anything?
Before Sam can even answer Scott walks into the door without
opening it, he takes a step back then walks into the house.
Sam walks over where everyone else is standing and starts
hugging and saying hello to everyone.
Sam walks over to Rosie and gives her a huge hug to
congratulate her on the engagement.


Congratulations Rosie, I'm sorry
it took so long!
It was definitely worth the wait,
he did a very good job picking the
ring out. He sucked at proposing
though, he did it so fast, I
thought he was having a heart
Well thank goodness he didn't, you
don't want to spend another eight
years working for a rock like
Shane walks up to Sam so he can introduces his girlfriend to
Sam, this is my girlfriend Sasha.
Sam reaches out to shake her hand. She doesn't take it.
Hey Sasha, how are you doing?
Alright, good talk..
Sam turns around and starts talking to Cole and Kate Booker.
Sam was the best man at their wedding two years ago. Cole
hands Sam a beer.
That is just what I needed. How
are you guys doing? Kate, why
aren't you drinking? What are you
pregnant or something?
Cole and Kate look at one another for a brief moment.
I am, we are going to have a baby!


Scott walks into the door again but manages to stay upright.
What are you going to do with it?
We are going to keep it and raise
it, we are married ya know.
Sam grabs both Cole and Kate and gives them a huge hug,
everyone lines up and starts hugging them one after another.
Sam grabs Cole.
You blasted that baby batter right
up in there and made yourself a
kid buddy, congratulations.
I'm so fucking scared, if it's not
a boy, I'm giving it away.
Things calm down and Rosie walks over and grabs Sam by the
Sam, I want to introduce you to
someone, come with me.
You can just call her by her name,
I already know everyone here.
Rosie hits Sam on the arm and they walk over towards Amy
Amy, this is Sam. Sam this is Amy.
Sam reaches out to shake Amy's hand, Amy grabs his hand and
shakes it. They both are blushing a little.
Hi Amy, nice to finally meet you.
Rosie has told me a lot about you.


Hi Sam, Rosie hasn't told me
anything about you.
      (Quickly Joking)
Well she obviously didn't read the
note cards I gave her then..
You didn't give me any note cards
I think he was kidding Rosie.
Amy looks back at Sam.
                       AMY (Cont)
She actually hasn't stopped
talking you up. She has said a lot
of nice things about you. It has
actually gotten a little annoying.
Sam looks over to Rosie.
You almost blew it for me before I
could even meet her!
Well I just couldn't help myself,
you two are both so cute and just
needed to finally meet. But that's
enough of me, I'll leave you two
Thank you, I think we can handle
it from here.
Don't blow it Samuel.
Rosie leaves Sam and Amy by themselves, she makes her way
over to Kate to talk about her pregnancy.


She can be a little much
sometimes, I apologize for all the
plugging she did for me. I'm sure
you couldn't take much more.
She can be a handful sometimes,
but I love her. She means well.
So how did you two become friends?
I though no one liked Rosie at
I think I am the only one that
likes her.
So it is true then?
We actually met when I was working
at the tanning salon. She would
come in all the time so we struck
up a friendship that way. Now that
I am back in school, I see her in
the hospital a few times a week.
She tells me you are in nursing
I am! I love it, I don't want to
be a nurse though, I want to go on
and get my nurse practitioner
It must be nice to know what you
want to do for a living. Not to
mention make a lot of money doing
it too.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to
getting out of this town though.
Living with your parents isn't
exactly the best time.


You are preaching to the choir,
try leaving home for five years
and then coming back to live with
your parents and your 30 year old
brother. Not exactly an ideal
Yeah, Rosie said that you had just
moved back home. Sounds like you
had a pretty rough few weeks
there. I'm sorry about your luck.
Don't feel sorry for me, those
things happen, it was probably for
the best anyway.
Hmmm doesn't sound like you really
loved this girl.
All I am going to say is if she
never would have done that I
wouldn't be here and I am glad
that I am.
Amy smiles at Sam, they are both summoned by the group to
join them.
Everyone is sitting around talking and drinking. Scott is
passed out in the yard, Kevin's dog is humping him.
On the porch Pug is talking about how he has been substitute
I was in for Mr. Farley the other
day, this kid legitimately shit
his pants. He didn't even ask to
go to the bathroom, just sat at
his desk and shit himself.
Didn't you shit your pants once in
high school Pug?


Yes, yes I did. That was in
history class. I thought it was
just a fart but I was so wrong. I
had to tie my sweatshirt around my
waist and leave school. That was
one of the lowest points of my
      (Changing Subject)
Did Kevin tell you guys how I
crossed something off my bucket
list recently?
Did you guys cross it off when you
were away for that wedding a few
weeks ago?
Did you guys have sex on that
mountain down in North Carolina?
You took Kevin's v-card?
You milked Kevin's prostate didn't
You gave Kevin his first rusty
Sam bows out of the guessing game, he doesn't want Amy to
think he is some pervert. The other guys continue to guess.
Cleveland Steamer?
Dirty Sanchez?
Alabama Hot Pocket?


Hot Carl?
Angry Dragon?
Tony Danza?
Strawberry Shortcake?
Boston Pancake?
Donkey Punch?
Glass Bottom Boat?
Sasha finally says her first words in front of the group and
everyone is shocked.
Everyone just looks at her shocked.
Scott still laying face down in the yard.
That's fucked up.
Everyone is relieved Scott is still alive.
Well it's good to know he isn't
Rosie tries to bring everyone back so she can finish her
story that she has been dying to tell.
Okay everyone, those were all
terrible guesses and I don't want
to know what half of them mean.
Well an Alask...


Everyone starts yelling to interrupt Sasha from finishing
her sentence.
As I was saying..
Babe, just get it out before
anyone says anything else.
Kevin and I went to Applebee's the
other night, we sat at the bar,
ate dinner and had a drink!
No one says anything, they are dumbfounded by what just came
out of Rosie's mouth. You can hear crickets in the
Finally Sam has to say something before it gets too awkward.
But before he could get anything out Scott yells from the
That sounds fuckin boring!
      (Holding in
I mean I know you two live a crazy
lifestyle but don't you think you
should tone it down a little? I
mean Applebee's dinner with a
drink is borderline insanity.
Sam, it's the neighborhood bar and
grill, we were fine!
Babe, he was being a dick..
Ohhh, shut up Sam!
I'm just curious, what else is on
your bucket list?
Rosie doesn't hesitate to answer Pug's questions.


I want to get my mug shot taken,
but it has to be cute! And I want
to swim in a blowup pool full of
grape JELLO!
Oh my god, I can't be here
anymore, Rosie is just way too
wild! I can't even handle it!
So you don't want to travel or
anything like that? Just a mug
shot and some JELLO? Seems logical
to me.
Well that and smoke my Seneca cigs
and drink my Mountain Dew. That's
all I need to be happy.
Kevin just sits there and shakes his head, he can't even
defend her.
Rosie, we need to sit down and
maybe think about a few of your
life choices and goals, those are
all pretty sad and trashy.
Well that's what I want and I am
sticking to it!
Well we can try and get the JELLO
pool for you. if you hang around
Scott you may have a good chance
at the mug shot soon.
Well I have taken enough abuse
tonight, I need to go to bed, some
people have to work on Sundays.
Yeah we are probably heading out
too, thank you Kevin for
everything. Sam see you at work on


Yes sir, see you bright and early.
Everyone gets up and starts heading to their cars. Scott
still lays on the ground motionless. Pug looks over at him
What should we do with Scott?
Just leave him in the yard, its
going to be nice all night. He
can't do any damage out here.
Fine by me.
Sam calls out Amy's name from a distance.
She stops before opening her car door and turns around. Sam
jogs over to her car so he can talk with her.
                       SAM (Cont)
Hey, I know we didn't really get a
chance to talk a lot tonight, but
I would like to get to know you a
little better. Maybe... you could
give me your number and we could
talk sometime?
Amy stands there for a second and smiles. Gets in her car,
shuts the door and rolls down the window. She hands Sam her
Sam takes it, puts his number in and hands it back to her.
She smiles rolls up her window and drives away.
What the fuck?


Sam is laying in his bed about to fall asleep and his phone
goes off. He sees that it's a text from a number he has
never seen before. He opens it and it reads "It was nice
meeting you tonight, I would like to get to know you better
as well."
Sam smiles, rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few
seconds pass, he rolls over, grabs his phone and texts her
back. "Tomorrow is supposed to be nice, can I interest you
in a walk?"
A few minutes pass and she texts him back "Sounds great to
me, I'll see you tomorrow afternoon, lets walk the trail.
Sam replies "Sounds great, sleep tight."
Scott wakes up in the middle of Kevin's yard. He is laying
on his stomach and his pants are down around his ankles. He
slowly rolls over onto his back, he has a massive erection.
Ohhh not again!!
He lays there for a few seconds to collect his thoughts. He
stands up and tries to pull his pants up over his erection.
He struggles for a minute and decides to give up. He slowly
walks around the house and leaves.
Sam and Amy are walking along a paved trail that runs mainly
through the woods. It is a crisp fall day and the leaves are
fully changed and brightly colored.
Rosie and I went out to breakfast
this morning, she asked me to be a
bridesmaid in their wedding.
I'm assuming you said yes?
Well I told her I would think
about it and then when she started
to cry I told her I was kidding


                       AMY (cont'd)
and would love to be part of her
big day.
Making her cry already and she has
only been engaged for what? twenty
four hours? This wedding can't
come soon enough for you, she is
going to be a pain.
Oh she will be fine, she knows I
like to kid around. They have
already set the date for September
26th of next year.
Well if they didn't do it quickly
people may have been dead who they
want there, so it's a good idea.
So you drove the whole way home
from Wyoming by yourself? That is
such a long drive.
I did, it was possibly one of the
worst drives ever. My car was so
packed, I couldn't see anything
behind me. Plus I got a speeding
ticket in Nebraska.
How many miles is that?
It's 1,532 miles.
Not that you didn't count them or
anything to impress people huh?
Exactly, it was a pretty sketchy
drive home though. The police
officer in Nebraska pretty much
told me if I had tits I would have
gotten out of my ticket and that
he was super horny and he was


                       SAM (cont'd)
going to nail his wife after
bingo. Then the hotel I stayed in
in Illinois had to be a cover for
a crack house. I still think I
should get tested after staying
there. It's kinda sad to say but
I'm glad to be home.
Well, I can't blame you, sounds
like an interesting trip. I hope
all your tests come back clean.
Well that's enough about that. So
nursing huh? what got you into
Well I never really wanted to be a
nurse. I started out at Pitt,
wanting to be a PA but I didn't
love it so I transferred home and
have been taking classes at BCC.
My mom runs the nursing program
there so I don't have to pay
So do you enjoy what you are
studying or??
Actually I do, I really love it, I
never thought I would but I do. I
don't want to be a nurse for a
long time though. Eventually I
want to get my nurse practitioner
Wow, you really know what you want
to do, that is amazing.
What about you? What do you want
to do? What do you even do right
Well right now I am working at RS
Janitorial for Shane's parents. I
do marketing and cold calling for


                       SAM (cont'd)
them. Basically I sit there and
hate my life from 9 to 4 every
Well at least you only have to
work 7 hours a day, that is a
Yeah, if I am going to suffer, I
would rather suffer for 35 hours
instead of 40.
What do you want to do? There
isn't much to offer around here.
I have no idea what I am doing,
this whole situation has left me
questioning a lot. I know I don't
want to be here forever so I have
that figured out.
Well since you hate your life at
work, why don't you just look for
jobs for 7 hours instead of doing
I was actually going to start
doing that tomorrow. Mise well be
productive if I'm trapped there.
I'm just not sure where to start
or what to look for exactly.
Just start searching, you have to
start somewhere.
I like your thought process, that
is what I'll do.
Sam and Amy walk up on a young kid, he can't be more than 10
years old. He is standing there smoking a cigarette.


Look at this kid, what the hell is
happening in this town?
As they get closer, Sam decided to say something to the kid.
Hey buddy, aren't you a little
young to be smoking?
                       YOUNG KID
Eat my dick, your mom gave me
these after I fucked her last
Sam can't even think of anything to say back to the young
kid, he doesn't want to be an asshole in front of Amy. Amy
just stands there trying not to laugh.
Sam takes the kids pack of cigarettes from him and throws
them into the creek by the walking trail.
                       YOUNG KID
You mother fucker!
The little kid looks over to Amy.
                       YOUNG KID (Cont)
Hey bitch, why don't you come home
with me, I'll show you what a real
man can do in the sack.
The little kid grabs his crouch.
                       YOUNG KID (Cont)
You can finally know what a real
dick feels like.
Sam turns around and looks at Amy.
Why don't you walk down there for
a minute, I need to have a little
chat with this little douche.
Make sure he takes it easy on you,
kid is brutal.
Amy walks down the trail a little. She can see Sam talking
with the kid but can't make out what he is saying. After
about thirty seconds the kid starts to cry. Sam pats him on
the shoulder then walks up to Amy.


Amy looks a little concerned when he catches up with her.
What did you say to him? Was he
I had to teach him a little lesson
on respecting women and himself.
If he keeps acting like that he
has no chance at ever getting laid
of having a chance in life.
All of a sudden the little boy is walking towards Sam and
Amy. He finally reaches them. He looks at Amy.
                       YOUNG KID
Ma'am I'm sorry I spoke you that
way, I was less than a gentleman
back there.
Aw, that is so sweet of you, I
accept your apology!
                       YOUNG KID
Will you accept.. this dick!!
You'll love this baby batter
Kid starts running away, Sam doesn't even attempt to go
after him. As he is running away he throws both of his
middle fingers in the air.
                       YOUNG KID
Suck on deez nuts!!!
Amy looks at Sam.
      (With a smile)
Kids these days!
Sam and Amy continue their walk.


Well that was a very interesting
walk to say the least.
It really was, that kid certainly
made for a little entertainment.
Oh so I wasn't interesting at all?
      (Straight Face)
Alright, well..
Amy cuts him off.
I'm just kidding, I had a nice
time. Thank you for that, it was
Well, I would like to see you
again, that is if you want to?
That would be nice, you have my
number, feel free to use it.
Amy gets in her car and drives away, Sam stands there and
Amy are Sam are out to eat in a nice restaurant, they are
laughing and having a wonderful time.


Sam is sitting in his office talking on the phone, he is
simultaneously texting Amy.
Sam and Amy walk out from the movie theater, they are
smiling and laughing, she grabs his hand and as they get to
the car Sam kisses her.
Sam is sitting there on his computer, visibly bored with his
left hand holding up his head, he clearly doesn't enjoy his
job. While he is sitting there he is on the internet
scrolling through thousands of possible jobs.
Amy introduces Sam to her parents. Her mother is overly
excited and gives Sam a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek.
Amy's father just stands there and shakes Sam's hand and
Sam introduces Amy to his parents, Jackie gives her a huge
hug, Joe turns to Sam and gives him a fist bump.
Rita is standing in Sam's office talking his ear off, Sam is
clearly not paying any attention to her. He opens his e-mail
and receives a rejection letter from a job he had applied
too. He puts his hands over his face as Rita continues to
Amy and Sam are carving a pumpkin, Sam has a huge knife,
gets Amy's attention and pretends to stab her repeatedly.
Amy is not one bit amused.


Sam is on the phone with a potential customer, he takes the
cord and wraps it around his neck and pretends to strangle
Amy and Sam are sitting by the Christmas tree, they are
exchanging presents. Sam opens his first, he pulls out a
fleece pull over jacket. Amy opens her and gets the biggest
smile on her face. Sam got her a pair of boots that she had
been talking about for months.
Sam is sitting at his desk with his head on the table, he is
motionless and may possibly be sleeping.
Amy's parents are away for the weekend. Sam and Amy are
sitting on the couch watching Saturday Night Live. Amy is
laying her head on Sam's shoulder and they are holding
Sam looks at Amy for a few seconds.
I have just been very happy lately
and I wanted to thank you for
Aw, I have been so happy too, I
never really expected this to be
Neither did I, but I am happy that
it did happen. I just wanted to
let you know that.


Well thank you for telling me,
that was so sweet of you. One of
the many reasons why I love....
Amy stops herself before she can finish her sentence.
I love you too Amy.
You were supposed to say it first,
not me!!
Sam pulls her in close and kisses her, then they start to
make out. After a few seconds, Amy gets up and grabs Sam's
hand. She leads him downstairs to her bedroom.
Amy and Sam standing by the bed kissing and undressing one
another. They fall to the bed and out of shot.
Sam and Amy are laying on the bed, both of them breathing
That was... Amazing.
You couldn't have said it any
better. Good god..
Sam gets up to clean himself off, he walks to Amy's bathroom
to look for something to use.
      (From the bathroom)
What should I use to cleanup with?
      (From the bed)
Just use the towel hanging on the
door, I need to do laundry anyway.
Sam grabs the towel and cleans off his man parts. He hangs
the towel back up and exits the bathroom. He crawls into bed
with Amy and kisses her forehead.


Sam is sitting at his computer reading the news online, he
is also listening to an 80's playlist on his computer. He
checks his e-mail and still no jobs.
Rita walks past Sam's office when "Take on Me" by A-Ha comes
on. She immediately stops and walks in Sam's office.
Oh my god!
Rita scares the hell out of Sam, who jumps in his chair.
                       RITA (Cont)
I love this song! It brings back
so many memories from the 80's!
      (Breathing Hard)
Jesus Rita, I think I just lost my
Every time I hear this song it
brings back so many good memories,
some of the best memories.
Sam is looking back a his computer, not really paying any
attention to Rita.
I was working as a waitress..
Sam immediately interrupts her.
      (Smart Ass)
At a cocktail bar?
Another great song! But no, I was
working at the Holiday House, as a
waitress and bartender. And I met
the most incredible man.
Sam is now back on his computer not paying attention.


Uh huh?
                       RITA (Cont)
Well I was bar tending one night
by myself and a few guys came in
who were staying at the hotel. The
one was super cute and we were
making eye contact all night.
      (Not paying
Oh wow..
                       RITA (Cont)
Well finally as they were about to
leave, he came up to me and
started talking to me. His name
was Daniel, he was in town working
on the railroad.
Sam interrupts her once again.
All the live long day?
Rita chuckles.
Yes, exactly! Soo he asked me for
my number so he could take me out
on a date. So naturally I gave it
to him and he called me the next
Sam's head is now laying on his desk.
Uh huh..
So he picked me up and we went to
dinner at the Barrel House, we had
a few drinks and then he took me
home. We started to make out in
his truck then all of a sudden we
were in my bed having the most
crazy, kinky sex I had ever had.
Sam lifts his head off of the desk and turns his chair
around, the story has finally gotten his attention.


Go on now.
So this went on for a couple of
weeks, we couldn't keep our hands
off one another, we were fucking
all over the place any time we
could. He would surprise me with
roses and dinners, he was the
perfect gentleman, we were in
Well what happened next?
So he shows up to my house one
night and its pouring rain out. It
was like a scene from a movie, ya
know? So he comes to the door and
he seems a little different. We go
into my house and sit on the
couch, he then goes on to tell me
that he is getting married that
weekend and he could no longer see
So you slapped the shit out of him
and yelled at him and wanted to
kill him?
I was so infuriated, I couldn't
even form words I was so mad.
SO what the hell happened? Is he
buried in your back yard?
We had the best sex I have ever
had in my life.
      (Looking for words)
Wait.. what... you?


      (Still smiling)
I came like three times!
So let me get this straight.
Daniel shows up at your house,
tells you he is engaged, getting
married that weekend and you ride
him like American Pharaoh, to a
triple crown of orgasms?
Is American Pharaoh a porn star?
Not at all, he was a race horse.
Well they had one thing in common
if you know what I mean.
Rita pulls her hands apart showing Sam that Daniel was hung
like a horse.
Good god, get out of here!
I am going to go stalk him on
Rita leaves Sam's office humming a song.
A notification goes off on Sam's computer, he has just
received an e-mail from one of the many places he had
He opens up his e-mail and sees that the message is from a
movie production company called "BPL Productions" They are a
small production company who mainly deals with small budget
films, they also have an adult film department.
Sam opens the e-mail and reads that they would love to
interview him over the phone when he is available.
Sam immediately sends them a message back and tells them he
is available anytime they would like to speak with him. He
sends the email and sits at his desk with a big smile on his


All four of the Frontino's are sitting at the kitchen table
eating dinner, spaghetti and meatballs, Joe's specialty.
Sam finished chewing, takes a drink of milk and wipes his
face with his napkin.
      (Clearing his
So I got an e-mail from "BPL
Productions" this afternoon, they
want to set up and interview with
Joe puts down his fork and wipes his mouth off.
So what is the job?
It's a writers assistant, I pretty
much help proof read scripts and
other materials, answer calls, set
up meetings, nothing too
Well is that something you are
interested in pursuing?
It's not the exact place I want to
be but it is a start and it gets
my foot in the door. I really have
nothing to lose at this point when
it comes to a career move, this is
my chance to go out and do
something I have always wanted to.
      (Thinking Hard)
Wait.. "PBL Productions" that
sounds super familiar, what movies
have they done?
Well their most popular movie was
probably "The Refugee."
Hmmm I've never heard of it...


Mike sits there for a second and then it hits him.
Wait a minute, they make fuck
movies don't they?
Joe and Jackie's mouth drop and Jackie drops her fork
Michael Scott Frontino, watch your
mouth! I'm your mother not your
friends, do not speak like that in
front of me! You're never too old
to be grounded!
Sam, do they make fuck films?
Jackie gives Joe a mean look from across the table.
I mean adult films.
Yes, they have an adult film
department but I won't be working
with them.
Well if it's something you truly
want to pursue, I am behind you
100% honey.
How much does it pay? Do you have
benefits? Where will you live? How
are you going to pay for the move?
I understand why you are asking
all these questions. It pays about
$30,000 a year, it does have
benefits, I can see if Kyle
McFarland will let me stay with
him for a while, he has a couch
and I can help with rent, I have
been saving since I have gotten
home, I anticipated a move.


What about Amy? Have you told her?
It seems like you two are really
into one another?
That's the part that makes me a
little uneasy, I really do like
her a ton, she is perfect. I'm
hoping she will understand and
hopefully we can work something
      (Mouth Full)
Just bang all those porn stars,
they have to be easy.
Jackie gives Mike the death stare.
I just don't want you to work in
that industry, it is so dirty and
you don't need to be exposed to
that stuff.
Let's be honest, he is very
familiar with the industry mom,
the walls are very thin here.
Let's be more honest, some nights
I though the walls were going to
collapse the way Mike was jack
hammering on himself, he was a
savage on that pud.
      (Head Down)
A lot of people have gotten their
start in porno's mom, but I will
not be working in their porn
Well set up the interview and we
will go from there, there is no
harm in talking with them.


Sam nods in agreement with his dad, they continue to eat
Sam is laying on Amy's bed, Amy is sitting at her desk
looking at some notes for school.
Babe, can we talk for a minute?
Amy turns around in her chair and looks at Sam, she is
obviously concerned.
      (Almost Crying)
What is it? I thought things were
going well?
What? No, I'm not breaking up with
you, why would I?
Amy leans back in her chair, showing how relieved she is.
You had me so nervous! Never start
a conversation like that Sam!
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare
you babe. But this is very
      (Back to nervous)
      (Sits Up)
So I got an interview with a
production company, it's for a
writers assistant job. Which means
if I get the job I will have to
move, most likely in the next few
weeks to a month.
Babe, that is so great, I am so
happy for you, this is what you


                       AMY (cont'd)
want to do, that is amazing!
Wait.. What? You're not mad?
How could I be mad? I would never
want to hold you back from
pursuing something that you want.
What kind of girlfriend would I
Well, I wanted to talk to you
about it because I want to make
this work, I don't want to mess
anything up.
      (Noticeably Sad)
Well, I am happy for you, I really
am, I just don't know how I feel
about long distance. It's not like
I can drive to you on the weekends
to visit.
I figured this was coming, things
have been way too good lately. If
one things good happens the other
has to fall apart. What can I do
to make this work?
Amy goes over and sits on the bed with Sam, she kisses him
on the cheek.
I am not going to let you stay in
this town and wait for me while an
amazing opportunity awaits you
Sam. I couldn't have that on my
conscious every day. I know you
hate your job and this town and
you have been waiting for an
opportunity to leave, well here it
I know you wouldn't let me stay
and I know you don't want to stay
either. But you don't have much
time left in school, you can move


                       SAM (cont'd)
out with me when you are ready, we
won't have that much time apart.
As nice as that sounds, I don't
think my parents will let me move
out to California with some guy
who I have only been dating six
months or so. As much as I would
like that, I just don't foresee
that happening.
Wishful thinking huh?
You need to go out and take
advantage of this opportunity.
Although I don't want things to
end between us, I think it's best
that we don't see each other
anymore. I love you Sam, I really
do but we are both living
different lives and pursuing
different dreams, unfortunately
mine doesn't end in California, at
least not now.
I understand, I thought we had
something really special and that
we could give it a chance to work.
There is just too much to chance
and I don't want either of us to
end up resenting one another or
even worse hating one another.
Neither of us deserve to get hurt.
I think this is the best way to
leave things.
Whatever you think is best Amy, if
that's what you think then what
else can I do?
Sam and Amy kiss. Amy's mother walks down to her room and
interrupts them. She stands by Amy's desk which is next to
the bathroom.


Well aren't you two just so
fucking cute!
Both Amy and Sam sit there with blank stares on their faces.
Well dinner is ready when you two
are ready to come up.
Alright, we will be up in a
Linda looks in the bathroom and notices five towels hanging
on the back of the door.
When is the last time you washed
towels Amy?
Linda reaches for the towel Sam had cleaned himself up with.
She grabs it and buries her face in it.
Amy starts giggling and Sam just sit there with his head
down and shakes it.
Amy, you need to wash these, they
smell awful.
Linda lets go of the towel and turns around to head
                       LINDA (Cont)
Come up for dinner, it is getting
We will be up in a second!
Sam and Amy sit on the bed and laugh with one another.
It's supposed to be good for your
skin I heard, so she can thank me
for her radiant skin. She doesn't
need a facial anymore, she already
got one.


Sam that is awful but also true, I
think we both needed a good laugh.
Amy and Sam leave her room and head upstairs to eat dinner.
Sam and Amy enter the dining room both saddened by the prior
Amy sits at the table and Sam stands in the doorway.
I won't be staying for dinner, but
I wanted to say thank you for
everything you have done and I
appreciate it all.
Linda drops her fork on her plate.
Alright Sam, is everything okay?
Amy can tell you everything, but
thank you again, you guys have
been great.
Sam exits the dining room and then the house, he gets into
his car and drives away.
Sam's cell phone rings, he thinks it is Amy calling him
telling him to come back, that she has changed her mind. He
looks at his phone and sees that Scott is calling him. He
answers the phone.
Hey buddy, what's going on?
Sam immediately changes mood, he looks very concerned.
Where are you? I'll be there in a
few minutes stay there and don't
do anything.
Sam steps on the gas and drives in the direction of Scott.


Sam spots Scott's car, it is smashed against a tree, Scott
is standing next to the car. Thankfully there are no houses
or other cars around the area.
Sam gets out of the car and approaches Scott. He has a few
minor cuts but nothing serious. He is visibly intoxicated
and crying.
      (Approaching Scott)
Are you okay? Did you hit your
No I didn't, I feel okay, I'm just
a little shaken up.
Sam goes and looks at the car real quick, it is completely
totaled. He turns back to Scott.
      (Angry and Yelling)
You are fucking lucky Scott, you
should be dead right now, what the
fuck were you thinking?
Scott stands there with his head down.
I am so fucked, I am going to
jail, I can't get a DUI Sam, I
Sam puts his arm around Scott and starts walking him to the
Listen, I have a plan, it may or
may not work but get in the car
and hear me out.
Sam and Scott get in the car and drive away.


While driving Sam reaches in his back seat and grabs a
bottle of water, he hands it to Scott.
Here, drink this, we have to sober
you up.
Scott takes the water and starts drinking it.
Alright, so here is the plan, I
had a friend in Wyoming use this
and it worked.
I'm listening.
Alright,I am going to take you to
my house, you are going to sober
up and get some rest. Phase two,
you are going to call the police,
you are going to report you car
stolen, say you didn't notice
until this morning because you had
been at my house with me.
What if we just never called them
and they found it tonight?
They will look at your
registration, call you, find you
and give you a DUI. We just need
to hope they don't find the car
for a while. How much have you had
to drink? Be honest with me.
I had a fifth and a six pack..
Holy fuck, what made you think you
could drive? Why did you drive?
Pussy man, I needed some pussy.


Sam just sits there and shakes his head.
They pull into the driveway of the Frontino's house, Sam
unloads Scott and helps him to the basement where he lays on
the couch. Sam sits in the recliner.
Thank you Sam, you saved my life,
I don't know how I will ever repay
Sam lays back in the recliner.
There is only one way you can
repay me and you have to promise
Anything you want.
You go get help and get yourself
cleaned up, you are killing
yourself Scott and I'm not ready
to lose you, we already lost Bryan
a few years ago, I'm not ready to
carry another coffin.
I promise you Sam, my hand to God,
I promise.
They both fall asleep.
Sam and Scott are sitting in the basement, Scott is on the
phone with the police.
Yes sir, I understand, I must have
forgotten to take my keys out,
that is my fault. Thank you,
please let me know if you find it.
I appreciate it..
Scott hangs up the phone and breathes a big sigh of relief.


The officer said there have been a
lot of car thefts lately, they
hadn't found my car. Holy shit, I
can't believed it worked.
You dodged a bullet there man,
remember what you promised me last
I do, I am going to get home and
start doing research.
Sam gets out of the chair.
Good, if you need help let me
know. I need to get going I have
some things I need to do this
morning. I'll give you a ride
Scott gets up from the couch, they both exit the basement.
Sam is driving down Kevin's street, he is going to tell
Kevin and Rosie that he and Amy had broken up last night.
As he approaches their house he spots Amy's car parked in
their driveway.
Fuck my balls...
Sam parks in their driveway, gets out and walks to the front
door.He takes a deep breaths and enters the house.
He steps into the foyer and hears voices in the living room,
he takes a few steps and enters.
Kevin and Rosie are sitting on a couch facing the entrance
to the living room. Amy is sitting on the other couch
straight across from them, her back toward Sam.
Rosie immediately makes eye contact with Sam.


      (Trying to contain
       her crazy)
Hi Sam, please sit down...
Sam slowly and awkwardly moves into the room.
Rosie points toward the couch where Amy is sitting.
Right there please..
Kevin looks absolutely terrified.
Sam walks over to the couch and sits down on the opposite
side of Amy.
                       ROSIE (Cont)
So it seems we have a little
situation here, you two have
decided to split.
Sam and Amy both nod their heads.
      (Losing It)
You two are not going to fuck up
the most important day of my life.
I have been waiting eight years
for this. If you even think about
not being adults about this
situation, so help me god, I will
end your lives. Something slow and
painful, something very personal,
I may even use my bare hands.
Kevin moves away from Rosie on the couch due to pure fear.
Kevin, are you sure you still want
to do this? You're taking all this
in right?
Rosie looks as though she is about to get up and kill Sam.
Sam, now is not the time for you
to be a fucking smart ass. You
don't know what I am capable of.
If you two cannot be grown adults
about this then we will have to
come up with a solution.


Before Sam can say anything, Amy chimes into the
Rosie, I think we both came here
today to tell you to your face
what has happened and that it will
not have an effect on us before,
during or after your wedding. We
are two grown adults who can be
around one another for one day
without making a scene.
Sam just sits there and nods his head as Amy does the
                       AMY (Cont)
Plus it's not like our breakup was
bad or anything, we just decided.
Sam interrupts.
She decided..
                       AMY (Cont)
I decided that I didn't want to do
long distance, we talked about it
like two adults. There was no
yelling or screaming or crying..
Amy looks at Sam.
                       AMY (Cont)
not that I know of at least.
Sam rolls his eyes.
Rosie leans back on the couch, the crazy is still in her
eyes but she seems more calm.

Kevin still sitting there scared and speechless.
Okay, I feel much better about
this, you two have made me feel at
peace about the whole situation.
Sam and Amy sit there and smile at Rosie.
But if you fuck this up I will rip
out your heart and eat it right
there in front of your families


                       ROSIE (cont'd)
and spit on your dead corps.
Sam and Amy's smiles disappear from their faces.
Rosie gets up from the couch and walks toward the kitchen.
I need a cigarette..
Sam, Amy and Kevin sit there in silence, they are completely
shocked. Ten seconds or so pass before Kevin breaks the

Kevin gets up and leaves the room, as he is walking out he
turns around and looks at Sam and Amy.
I'm scared.
Kevin exits the room. Sam and Amy look at one another and
Sam is sitting at a table in a suit, he is Skyping for his
interview with "PBL Productions." The interview is just
finishing up. The interviewer is wearing a suit, looks like
a normal executive.
      (POV from Sam)
Well Sam, we are quite impressed
with what you have to offer us
here at PBL. The only thing that
concerns us is your lack of
experience in the industry.
Well I can assure you what I lack
in experience, I make up for with
hard work and a quick learning
curve, I think my tireless work
ethic will prove that to you.
After a week or so it will feel
like I have been there for a few


      (POV from Sam)
Well we will be in touch in the
next few days, we have to talk
this over and finish up one more
interview. One way or another you
will be hearing from us.
I enjoyed our conversation, I'm
looking forward to hearing from
      (POV from Sam)
Alright Sam, We will be in touch,
take care.
Thank you, I appreciate it, have a
good day.
      (POV from Sam)
Thank you, you do the same, bye
Sam disconnects from the Skype session. He closes his
laptop, puts it in his book bag, exits the room, and then
the library.
Sam and Shane are both getting out of their cars at the same
Morning buddy, how did your
interview go yesterday?
It went well, thank you, waiting
to hear from them any day now.
They both start heading towards the entrance.


Sam and Shane are walking down the hall towards their
So is this something you really
want to pursue or do you just want
to get out of town?
It's not exactly what I want to do
but it is a foot in the door.
Ah gotcha, well you have been
doing a great job for us, I know
it's not the most exciting or sexy
industry to work in but you could
have a nice future here.
Thanks buddy, that means a lot,
there are just somethings I need
to do for myself. It's one of
those if you never try then you'll
never know moments.
For sure man, I understand, it's
like the first time I tried anal,
I now know it's dirty and I love
Shane comes to his office and steps inside, Sam has no time
to reply to him. He keeps walking to his office, opens the
door and sits down in his chair.
While sitting in his chair he can hear the loud obnoxious
voice of the company salesman John Murphy. He is in his mid
50's, tall and overweight and extremely loud.
John is standing outside of Shane's office talking with him.
How was your night last night
John? Wasn't it your anniversary?


Oh it was great, dinner cost me
$115 and I didn't even get laid.
Ah, that's too bad.
She said she was on her period
last night. I have never met
someone who is on their period so
much. She needs those extra flow
control tampons. I don't think the
Hoover Dam could hold back her
Sam sitting in his office, visibly disgusted with what he is
                       JOHN (Cont)
I'll tell ya Shane she needs a
blood transfusion for how much she
She may want to get that checked
out then.
Jesus, she got out of the shower
the other night and it looks like
Chewbacca just got out of the
Sam is leaning over his garbage can dry heaving.
                       JOHN (Cont)
I don't think I could find it, I
would need a weed eater to get to
Sam has his head in the garbage can now.
John walks by Sam's office and sees his head in the garbage.


Sam, that's how my wife makes me
feel buddy!
Sam just gives him the thumbs up. John continues on down the
Sam's phone begins to ring, he checks to see who is calling
him. His phone screen reads "Private Caller." He decides to
answer it.
Hello, this is Sam.
Hey Sam, Mark Summers with PBL how
are you doing today?
I am doing well, how are you
I am just fine, thank you, I am
calling you because we would like
for you to join our team. We think
you have what it takes to work
here with us and make us better.
Sam leans back in his chair and points to the ceiling, he is
smiling and can't believe he has landed the job.
Thank you so much, I cannot wait
to get started with you guys, this
is a great and exciting
opportunity for me.
Well we wanted to call you and let
you know that you have the job.
You have the rest of the day to
think it over.
I do not need any time, I am
accepting your offer, I can't wait
to start!


Well that is great news, your
start date will be at the
beginning of next month. That
should give you plenty of time to
move out here and settle in. If
you have any questions feel free
to call our HR Department.
Sounds great, I can make that
work. Thank you, for the
opportunity, I will see you at the
beginning of next month.
Alright, Sam, take care.
Thank you, you do the same. Bye.
Sam hangs up the phone, smiles, takes a deep breath and
Sam, Kevin, Scott, Pug, Cole and Shane are all watching the
first round of the NFL draft. They aren't really paying too
much attention to the T.V. they are too busy talking to one
Kevin, we have to throw you a
bachelor party, you get married in
two weeks.
I told you I don't want one, it's
no big deal.
Listen Kevin, I'm married and
about to have a baby, you want a
bachelor party. I am dead inside,
I don't even know how I got Kate
pregnant, I thought my dick was
dead. That's how you feel after
you get married. Straight dead
dick. Just some dead, flaccid, man


                       COLE (cont'd)
meat hanging dead buddy.
So bachelor party it is, Kevin we
will take care of everything.
Whatever you guys want to do, I
just don't want herpes.
Sam is focusing on the T.V. just listening to what is going
on between the other guys.
Hold on guys, Oakland is about to
pick, I want to hear this.
On the T.V. the commissioner of the NFL comes on to announce
the pick of the Oakland Raiders.
With the 32nd pick in the NFL
draft, the Oakland Raiders
select..... Daxx Shepard,
Linebacker University of Wyoming.
Camera on the commissioner cuts to the back room where Daxx
is sitting with Sam's ex-girlfriend Lauren. Daxx and Lauren
stand up, kiss. He then gets down on one knee and proposes
to Lauren. She says yes and they hug and kiss one more time.
Daxx leaves the back room and walks out on the stage to meet
the commissioner holding his jersey. As he walks out, you
can clearly see his beyond average man parts swinging in his
Everyone in the basement sits there speechless. Shooting
glances at Sam, who hasn't moved or blinked.
Pug looks at Ryan and stretches out his hands showing how
big Daxx's manhood looked.
Scott finally breaks the silence.
Wow buddy, I'm sorry. Definitely
did't see that coming.
No it's fine, my favorite team
just drafted the guy I found my
girlfriend in bed with. He just
proposed to her, she said yes and


                       SAM (cont'd)
I got a full frontal of his
enormous rod which is probably
going to impale her tonight. I'm
fine, it's okay, I don't care...
You are taking this pretty well
buddy, I'm proud of you..
Sam, Clearly not okay with everything he just saw, looks at
So bachelor party?
Sam is driving, Kevin is in the passenger seat, in the back
is Kevin's younger Rob and Cole. Sam looks in the rear view
and sees the other car behind them with Pug, Scott, Shane
and Steve Sandler.
So how are you doing man? That was
pretty awful what happened the
other night.
Honestly, if I still had Amy I
would have been fine with it all,
she made me forget about Lauren
and all that shit I went through.
But now it just reminds me how I
don't have anyone.
I think you should tell her how
you really feel Sam, if you really
like her don't take any chances
and not tell her how you feel.
Just be completely honest with
You'll be at a wedding together,
that is the perfect time to tell
That is true, you never know I


Sam's car pulls up the the Canadian border. A border guard
comes out of the office and approaches the car.
Sam rolls down his window and greets the border guard.
Good afternoon, how are you doing
                       BORDER GUARD
      (Canadian Accent)
Hello, I am fine thank you. Sorry
I just have to ask you a few
You don't have to apologize, but
go ahead.
                       BORDER GUARD
Sorry, where are you coming from
and where are you going?
We are coming from Braford,
Pennsylvania. We are heading to
                       BORDER GUARD
What is your purpose of travel?
My buddy here is getting married
next weekend, so we are trying to
show him a good time before he
ties the knot.
Border guard looks at Kevin.
                       BORDER GUARD
I'm sorry. Where are you staying?
We are staying at the Double Tree.
                       BORDER GUARD
Are you bringing anything into the
country that I should know about?


Just some clothes, we are only
staying one night.
                       BORDER GUARD
I'll need to see your passports,
then you'll be on your way. Sorry.
The guys hand their passports over to the border guard, he
takes a look at each of their pictures and examines them
through the windows. He stamps them and then hands them back
to Sam.
                       BORDER GUARD
Sorry about that, well you guys
have a good evening. Head to Sun
Downers, my wife works there, she
is the best.
Thank you, have a good day. I
think that car behind us is
carrying drugs.
Sam rolls up the window and drives away. He looks in his
rear view and the guard already has everyone out of the car
searching them and throwing stuff out of the car.
All the guys are standing around in the hotel room, they all
have shot glasses in their hands. Sam is making a little
Well Kevin, next week at this time
you will be married and you will
only be able to look and touch one
vagina for the rest of your life.
So enjoy every single second of
tonight. We came here to Canada
because we thought if you wanted
to get out of marriage this would
be your best chance. We know Rosie
wouldn't leave the country to hunt
you down and kill you. So here is
to tonight and to one vagina for
the rest of your life buddy!
The guys cheers to Kevin and take their shots.


Sun Downers is a classy strip club, there are strippers on
the stage and walking all over the establishment. Sam is at
the bar getting a beer with Rob.
Are you sure you can handle this
tonight buddy?
All the guys sitting around the stage drinking and throwing
one dollar bills.
Kevin and Rob chugging out of bottles of whiskey.
Stripper rubbing Kevin's face in her butt crack.
Steve Sandler watching.
Enjoy that pink eye buddy!
Pug and Cole getting lap dances from strippers while
drinking bottles of Fire Ball
Scott getting thrown off the stage trying to chase a
stripper around.
Sam getting a lap dance.
Does your husband happen to work
at the border?


The stripper nods her head.
Can I get a private?
She nods her head yes. She grabs his hand and leads him
towards the back. They walk past Rob who is getting a lap
dance. As soon as they pass by Rob throws up all over the
Steve talking to a stripper.
Baby, I am about to bust out of
these jeans, whats say we take
this else where and you give me
the best foot job I've ever had.
The stripper punches Steve in the face and knocks him out.
Screen goes black.
Kevin and Rosie are standing at the alter, holding hands and
have already exchanged rings.
I now pronounce you man and wife,
you may kiss the bride.
Kevin and Rosie kiss and turn toward the packed church.
I would like to introduce for the
first time Kevin and Rosie
Sam can't help but laugh, Kevin gives him a jab in the
shoulder before he walks away.
Sam looks over at Amy, they lock eyes and smile at one
another. He walks over to her and they walk down the isle


Kevin and Rosie walk out while everyone cheers and claps for
them. They make their way to a limo and get inside. The
bridesmaids and groomsmen follow them into the limo.
Kevin, Rosie, Sam, Amy, Cole, Kate, Rob, Tom's sister Erin,
Shane and Rosie's friend Alicia are all sitting in the limo
drinking champagne.
Sam and Amy are sitting next to one another. Everyone is
smiling and laughing, having a great time.