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Home Sweet Home
by Ben Egan (benjamin.egan@melroseschools.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED



This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

INT. CAR ON HIGHWAY - DAY
                                                            
Lenny turns on radio which signifies that he is in his home
town in Oregon.
                                                            
                       RADIO
Good morning Tall Oaks, Oregon. It
is a sunny morning with a high of
70 and a low of 65. It is a good
day to do some outdoor activities
like checking out the new
renovated zoo down by main street,
or having a picnic in the park.
But now, lets listen to some good
'ol rock and roll. (Music plays)
                                                            
                       LENNY
      (VO)
Home sweet home. Tall Oaks,
Oregon. Haven't been here since
Christmas. I don't know if I can
last more than a couple weeks back
here. I'll say hi to mom, dad and
the family. Maybe meet up with
some old high school friends. All
I know is that I won't last long
back up here.
                                                            
                                         AN HOUR PAST
                                                            
 
INT. THE WALMERS' HOUSEHOLD - DAY
                                                            
                       MOM
There's my boy! How was the drive?
                                                            
                       LENNY
It was a pain, but other than that
it was fine. Where is everybody?
                                                            
                       MOM
I'll get everybody. David! Earl!
Lenny is here!
                                                            
Lenny's mother rushes from the main hallway to get Dad and
Earl.
                                                            
Almost running, Lenny's dad comes to greet Lenny.
                                                            

2.

                       DAD
How ya doing, son? It's been long.
                                                            
                       LENNY
I'm doing fine, thanks. Where's
Earl?
                                                            
Dad frowns and walks towards the basement door and yells.
                                                            
                       DAD
Earl! Get up here! Lenny is home!
                                                            
Earl makes a loud and obnoxious moan from the basement.
                                                            
                       EARL
      (OS)
I'm Coming,calm down!
                                                            
                       LENNY
      (VO)
I almost forgot that living here
meant that there is a chance that
you'll go deaf. It really brings
back memories of very unpleasant
mornings and ridiculous arguments.
                                                            
Earl's footsteps are heard coming up from the basement. Earl
only pokes his head through the doorway.
                                                            
                       EARL
Hey, kid.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Hey, uncle Earl.
                                                            
Earl sighed and walked back down to the basement.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Where is daisy?
                                                            
                       MOM
Oh, Daisy is at the elementary
school.
                                                            
Mom pointed to the school which is visible from the window.
                                                            
                       MOM
Thanks for reminding me. Why don't
you pick her up, it'll be a nice
surprise.
                                                            

3.

                       LENNY
Picking up kids from an elementary
school is what a Harvard grad
should be doing with his time.
                                                            
                       MOM
Come on...
                                                            
                       LENNY
Fine, it's not like I just came
back from a seven hour flight or
anything.
                                                            
                       MOM
For your attitude, now you have to
bring Earl with you, now.
                                                            
Earl and Lenny both moan simultaneously.
                                                            
                       MOM
Go now, don't want to be late.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Come on, Uncle Earl...
                                                            
Earl and Lenny walk out the door.
                                                            
 
EXT. OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL - DAY
                                                            
                       LENNY
      (VO)
We had got there a little early.
It gave me time to think. How
could Earl and my father be
brothers. My father is tall and
broad shouldered while Earl is fat
and barely reaching five foot two.
The man always seemed either high
or buzzed most of the time and
looked like he would ask strangers
for spare change.
                                                            
                       EARL
We're early. Let's find some place
to sit. My knees are gonna give
out.
                                                            
Lenny and Earl find a bench and sit.
                                                            

4.

                       EARL
      (panting)
phew, good thing we found this
seat. I was going to collapse.
                                                            
                       LENNY
      (VO)
Earl's voice annoyed me like
nothing other. I was only hoping
that Daisy won't take long.
                                                            
                       EARL
      (panting)
Ah, schools. I remember these
things. I went to them you know.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Earl, can you try and act any more
creepy? Stop panting and don't be
slouched like that. You're gonna
scare the kids away.
                                                            
                       EARL
What are you talkin' about. I love
kids and the kids love me. I got
their back.
                                                            
Earl pulls out a gun from his back pocket.
                                                            
                       EARL
      (Cont.)
That's why I always carry a load
on me. To scare off bullies and
such. And plus, kids love guns.
                                                            
Lenny grabs the gun from Earl's hands and slaps Earl in the
back of the head.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Jesus Christ Earl! Why the hell
would you bring a gun to an
elementary school?! Oh my god!
                                                            
Earl rubs the back of his head where Lenny slapped him.
                                                            
                       EARL
I think I had explained that
already. Now gimme my gun back.
                                                            
                       LENNY
NO! That's something you just
don't do! Oh my god!
                                                            

5.

                       EARL
Hey I got a license to carry.
                                                            
                       LENNY
No you don't, what are you talking
about?
                                                            
                       EARL
I got it here...
                                                            
Earl sifts through his pockets and pulls out a piece of
paper.
                                                            
                       EARL
Ah! Here it is. See?
                                                            
Lenny takes the paper and looks at it.
                                                            
                       LENNY
What are you talking about? This
is a license to vend food.
                                                            
                       EARL
Come on, they're practically the
same thing.
                                                            
Lenny sighs and rubs his temples.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Never mind, lets just forget about
this and sit quietly.
                                                            
Earl jokingly salutes.
                                                            
                       EARL
Aye aye captain!
                                                            
Daisy comes running from the entrance of the school to Earl
and Lenny.
                                                            
                       DAISY
Uncle Earl!
                                                            
                       EARL
Hey Kiddo! How was school today?
                                                            
                       DAISY
It was great. We played
duck-duck-goose and finger painted
and...
                                                            

6.

                       EARL
That's great and all, but look
who's here.
                                                            
Earl points to Lenny.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Hey Daisy.
                                                            
                       DAISY
Oh, hi.
                                                            
                       LENNY
      (VO)
I had thought that Daisy would
have been a little more excited to
see me. She hasn't seen me in over
a year. I guess I don't know the
things that go on in a six year
old's mind.
                                                            
                       EARL
Alright, want to go to the
playground?
                                                            
                       LENNY
      (VO)
I would have thought that Daisy
wouldn't have wanted to go to the
park with her distant, old, creepy
uncle.
                                                            
                       DAISY
Yeah!
                                                            
                       LENNY
      (VO)
...I was wrong.
                                                            
The three start walking to the park across the street. Lenny
moves over to Earl and pulls on his shoulder.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Tell me, why the hell does Daisy
respect you?
                                                            
Earl replies without turning around.
                                                            
                       EARL
I said already. Kids love me.
                                                            

7.

                       LENNY
How? You're creepy old dude who
lives in our basement. How could
anyone love you?
                                                            
Earl replies without taking offence.
                                                            
                       EARL
I know its hard to believe... But
deal with it.
                                                            
Lenny rolls his eyes and looks at Daisy.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Hey Daisy, want to do something
with your older brother?
                                                            
                       DAISY
Listen to yourself, Lenny. Please.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Wha-what.
                                                            
Earl smiles
                                                            
                       EARL
good job, Daisy.
                                                            
Earl turns around and sticks his tongue out at Lenny.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Real mature, Earl.
                                                            
Earl and Daisy walk away together
                                                            
                       LENNY
      (TO HIMSELF)
What happened when I was gone?
                                                            
Lenny walks back home.
                                                            
 
INT. WALMERS' HOUSEHOLD - DAY
                                                            
                       LENNY
I'm back.
                                                            
                       MOM
      (OS)
Where's Daisy and Earl?
                                                            
                       LENNY
They went to the park.
                                                            

8.

Lenny walks into kitchen
                                                            
                       MOM
That's nice.
                                                            
Lenny washes his hands.
                                                            
                       MOM
      (Cont.)
How was your first day back in
Oregon?
                                                            
                       LENNY
Very confusing.
                                                            
                       MOM
How so?
                                                            
                       LENNY
When did we all start liking Uncle
Earl?
                                                            
                       MOM
We've always liked Earl, silly.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Sure. You can say that. That
doesn't go for everybody.
                                                            
                       MOM
Earl has been the helping hand
around the house. Him and Daisy
get along very well. Have you
noticed?
                                                            
Lenny replies with an aggitated tone in his voice.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Yeah.
                                                            
Lenny leaves the kitchen.
                                                            
                       MOM
Where are you going?
                                                            
                       LENNY
      (OS)
I'm going to bed. I'm tired, the
jet lag probably.
                                                            

9.

                       MOM
Okay, dinner will be ready in a
couple hours. Don't want to sleep
through dinner.
                                                            
                       LENNY
      (OS)
I'll make sure to wake up then.
                                                            
 
INT. LENNY'S ROOM - AFTERNOON
                                                            
Lenny lays in his bed and stares at the ceiling. He does
nothing but twiddle his thumbs.
                                                            
                       LENNY
      (VO)
Man, I missed a lot. What
happened? I liked it where Daisy
liked to play with me. Dad sat in
his chair and watched the game.
Mom giving advice that actually
helped. And especially Earl being
hated. Did Earl do something, like
trick the family into liking him?
He's smart. He was quite the
gambler. Well, he used to be.
That's how he lost his house. And
wife. I don't know what happened.
What is he doing?
                                                            
Lenny yawns.
                                                            
                                         AN HOUR PASSES.
                                                            
Lenny wakes up to hear Earl's muffled voice down stairs.
                                                            
                       LENNY
      (TO HIMSELF)
What is that?
                                                            
Lenny gets up from his bed and moves closer to the door to
hear Earl a bit clearer.
                                                            
                       DAISY
      (OS)
Uncle Earl, did you see me on the
monkey bars?
                                                            
                       EARL
      (OS)
Yeah, you did like seven of them.
It was great.
                                                            

10.

Lenny with his ear against the door sulks.
                                                            
                       DAISY
      (OS)
It was fun today! You're like the
brother I've always wanted.
                                                            
Lenny feels disgusted.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Ugh!
                                                            
                       EARL
      (OS)
Don't tell Lenny that. (Chuckles).
                                                            
Lenny continues to sulk and climbs back on his bed and
continues to sleep.
                                                            
                                         AN HOUR PASSES.
                                                            
Lenny wakes up, fixes his hair and walks down stairs for
dinner.
                                                            
 
INT. KITCHEN AND DINING ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Lenny walks down the stairs into kitchen.
                                                            
                       MOM
      (to Lenny)
There you are. Dinner is ready.
                                                            
                       LENNY
What you make?
                                                            
Lenny looks as his mother pulls out a dish from the oven.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Oh, meatloaf.
                                                            
                       MOM
Your dad's favorite. Don't you
like it?
                                                            
Lenny lies. It is obvious to Mom.
                                                            
                       LENNY
I love it, Don't get me wrong.
                                                            
Dad walks in.
                                                            

11.

                       DAD
      (to Mom)
What's cooking?
                                                            
Dad looks at the dish which Mom took out of the oven and
sulks.
                                                            
                       DAD
...Meat loaf.
                                                            
Mom notices both of Lenny's and Dad's attitude towards her
cooking.
                                                            
                       MOM
Do any of you like my cooking?
                                                            
Earl walks in.
                                                            
                       EARL
      (to Mom)
What are you cooking, Sarah?
Because it smells good.
                                                            
Lenny and Dad give Earl a quizzical look.
                                                            
                       MOM
      (to Earl)
Thank you, at least someone likes
my cooking.
                                                            
                       DAD
      (under his breath)
Yeah, someONE...
                                                            
                       MOM
What was that?
                                                            
Dad replies quickly.
                                                            
                       DAD
Nothing. Lets eat already. I'm
starving.
                                                            
Lenny, Earl and Dad set the table as Mom puts the meatloaf
on the table.
                                                            
                       EARL
Sarah, this meal looks delicious.
                                                            
Daisy runs in from the living room to the kitchen.
                                                            

12.

                       DAISY
Dinner! Dinner! I'm so hungry!
Din-
                                                            
Daisy cuts short when she sees the meatloaf.
                                                            
                       DAISY
Oh, meatloaf...
                                                            
                       EARL
Alright Daisy, sit down and shut
up. We're about to eat.
                                                            
                       LENNY
It feels great to eat like this
since, you know, graduating
Harvard.
                                                            
                       EARL
Shaddup!
                                                            
Everybody sits down and gets ready to eat. Lenny is about to
take a bite when Earl stops him.
                                                            
                       EARL
Ah-ah-ah, Lenny. We have to pray
before we eat.
                                                            
                       LENNY
What? Since when do we pray before
eating.
                                                            
                       EARL
Since I showed your father the way
of the lord.
                                                            
                       LENNY
      (VO)
When I left for college, my father
was atheist and my mother was
barely Catholic. The sight of us
as a family praying was quite the
sight to see.
                                                            
Everyone joins hands and starts to pray. Faded prayers are
heard as Lenny looks around the dinner table confused and
silent.
                                                            
                       EARL
Amen... Lets eat.
                                                            

13.

Everyone but Lenny says amen and continues to eat. Lenny is
left sitting in his seat giving everyone a troubled look
without touching his food.
                                                            
                       LENNY
What's going on here? Since when
is Dad a devoted Catholic? Why did
we have to pray?
                                                            
                       DAISY
We do it to thank Jesus for our
meal.
                                                            
                       EARL
Atta-girl, Daisy.
                                                            
                       LENNY
      (to Earl)
Oh, shut up!
                                                            
                       DAISY
Hey! That's mean! Why did you say
shut up to me!
                                                            
                       LENNY
What? I said shut up to Earl.
                                                            
                       EARL
Hey! You jerk! Saying shut up to
me?
                                                            
                       MOM
Alright! Everybody needs to shut
up! Just eat and be quiet!
                                                            
The arguing stops and everybody remains silent. Daisy, Earl
and Lenny keep their heads down and eat without talking.
                                                            
                       DAISY
I just wanted to thank Jeebus for
the dinner we were eating, and be
a happy family...
                                                            
                       LENNY
      (VO)
BS! Daisy does that thing where
she purposefully mispronounces
words so she seems cute and the
attention goes to her.
                                                            

14.

                       DAD
      (to Daisy)
Its okay, we're a happy family
now.
                                                            
                       LENNY
      (VO)
Not all of us.
                                                            
Lenny rolls his eyes and eats his food without talking.
                                                            
 
INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
A couple hours had passed since dinner and Lenny goes to the
basement where Earl sleeps and wants to talk to him.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Hey Earl! I want to talk to you.
                                                            
Earl jolts up from sleeping on a couch.
                                                            
                       EARL
Wha-What? What do you want?
                                                            
                       LENNY
I just need to clear things up.
                                                            
                       EARL
Fine hold on a second.
                                                            
Earl reaches down in between the couch cushions and pulls
out a small bag of cocaine and starts rubbing it on his
gums.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Oh my God! What the hell is that?
                                                            
                       EARL
Its's my go-go powder. I'm sleepy,
it'll wake me up. Go ahead, what
did you want me for?
                                                            
                       LENNY
Wait. Does Mom and Dad know about
that?
                                                            
                       EARL
No they don't. If you even think
about telling them, just remember,
I fought in 'Nam. I've done some
things. Keep your mouth shut.
                                                            

15.

Lenny remains silent for a bit with his mouth open.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Okay, jeez. I-I just wanted to ask
a couple questions. Do you mind?
                                                            
                       EARL
No. Not at all. Why don't you have
a seat.
                                                            
Earl moves to the side a bit and pats the cushion where he
pulled the drugs out of, implying that Lenny can sit there.
                                                            
                       LENNY
I'm good. I'll just stand.
                                                            
                       EARL
Suit yourself...
                                                            
Earl kicks his feet up and lays on the couch.
                                                            
                       LENNY
but anyway. What happened? Why is
everything different? I liked it
how the house was before I left
college.
                                                            
                       EARL
Oh. So you are some kind of
conservative now are ya?
                                                            
                       LENNY
What? Let's not bring political
perspectives into this argument. I
just want to know what you did to
get the family to like you.
                                                            
Earl smirked and chuckled.
                                                            
                       EARL
What are you talking about? The
family always liked me. They are
just acting different because you
were just re-introduced into their
lives after a couple years. I
didn't do nothing.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Yes you did. You had to. They now
adore you for no apparent reason
and you haven't changed your
attitude at all since I left.
                                                            

16.

Earl stops for a moment to think.
                                                            
                       EARL
The thing is, I've always been
like this. I just disrespect you.
                                                            
Lenny gives a quizzical look.
                                                            
                       LENNY
What?
                                                            
                       EARL
Yep, I never liked you. That's why
I've been with your little sister
a lot lately. I don't want her to
be like you.
                                                            
                       LENNY
You don't want Daisy to be a
Harvard grad? Like ME...
                                                            
                       EARL
No, I don't want her to be an
annoying nuisance like you.
                                                            
                       LENNY
What? Yeah, okay. You're a real
A-hole Earl.
                                                            
                       EARL
...And one to make proctologists
proud, Lenny.
                                                            
Earl picks up remote.
                                                            
                       EARL
Now if you don't mind. I've got a
date with the DVR.
                                                            
Earl gesticulates towards the door.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Wait, I have to know why.
                                                            
Earl sighs and looks at Lenny.
                                                            
                       EARL
...Because your a smart-ass.
                                                            
                       LENNY
...One to make proctologists
proud.
                                                            

17.

Lenny smirks.
                                                            
                       EARL
Kid, it was funny when I did it.
You're just pushing it.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Whatever, how was I annoying.
                                                            
                       EARL
Firstly, your everyday speaking
voice sound like a quote from a
Charles Dickens book.
                                                            
                       LENNY
So? What's wrong with that?
                                                            
                       EARL
It's annoying. And secondly: you
seem to brag about your every
little accomplishment when
clearly, nobody cares.
                                                            
Lenny gives off a look of confusion.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Sorry that graduating Harvard
isn't something you care about.
Geez.
                                                            
Earl start raising his voice a little.
                                                            
                       EARL
Hey kid, I was a millionaire
briefly back in my gambling days!
                                                            
Lenny also starts to raise his voice.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Well then why are you living in
your brother's basement.
                                                            
                       EARL
It was all the goddamn cartel's
fault.
                                                            
                       LENNY
What?! I don't even want to get
into that.
                                                            
                       EARL
If it weren't for them, I'd
probably have solid gold spinning
rims on my own jet ski living in
            (MORE)

18.

                       EARL (cont'd)
California or Vegas by now.
                                                            
Earl jolts upwards from laying on the couch.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Earl, man, how many drugs are you
taking?
                                                            
Earl looks at Lenny.
                                                            
                       EARL
Not enough...
                                                            
Earl starts charging up the stairs but Lenny stops him.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Hey Earl, lets talk about this or
something. Calm down a bit.
                                                            
Earl drops his head and lets go of the railing.
                                                            
                       EARL
I know what to do.
                                                            
Earl smirks and starts moving towards his couch.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Don't even think about it, lets go
upstairs and talk.
                                                            
Earl stops, looks at Lenny and sulks.
                                                            
                       EARL
Fine.
                                                            
Both Earl and Lenny walk upstairs to the kitchen.
                                                            
 
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
                                                            
Earl and Lenny take a seat in the kitchen, across from one
another.
                                                            
                       LENNY
      (VO)
I got an undergrad in psychology
at Harvard, I can probably try and
change Earl into a more likable
person after tonight.
                                                            
                       EARL
So?
                                                            

19.

                       LENNY
Let's talk.
                                                            
                                         AN HOUR PASSES
                                                            
Lenny and Earl are just finishing their conversation.
                                                            
                       EARL
That's an interesting way of
looking at life as a whole. At
first I tried religion, but that
didn't do nothin'. Plus, Buddhism
is the one true religion.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Uh, I suppose its just preferences
I guess. Anyway, do you feel any
better? Do you feel less agitated?
                                                            
                       EARL
A little... You know, you're not
that bad. I can deal with you.
You're tolerable.
                                                            
Lenny gives a straight face.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Thanks.
                                                            
Lenny looks at the clock.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Man, it's 2:38! We should get to
bed.
                                                            
                       EARL
Meh.
                                                            
                       LENNY
You going to bed?
                                                            
                       EARL
I don't know if you remember, but
I rubbed cocaine on my gums less
than an hour ago. I'm not going to
sleep anytime soon.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Oh, right. So I guess I'll see you
tomorrow.
                                                            
Earl smiled.
                                                            

20.

                       EARL
See ya.
                                                            
Lenny goes to his bedroom and falls asleep.
                                                            
 
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
                                                            
Lenny comes from his room to the kitchen the next morning
and sees his father eating breakfast alone.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Hey dad.
                                                            
                       DAD
Hey Lenny, sleep well?
                                                            
                       LENNY
yeah. Where is everybody? It's
11:45.
                                                            
                       DAD
Your mother went to work, Daisy
went to school and Earl is on the
couch in the basement, asleep.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Oh, I'm going to wake up Earl.
                                                            
                       DAD
Yeah, you do that.
                                                            
Dad snickers and Lenny walks down to the basement.
                                                            
 
INT. BASEMENT - MORNING
                                                            
                       LENNY
Hey Earl!
                                                            
Lenny sees Earl laying on the couch not moving.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Earl! Earl! Wake up Earl!
                                                            
Lenny shakes Earl on the couch and he doesn't seem to wake
up.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Oh god...
                                                            

21.

Lenny stands up slowly without breaking eye-contact with
Earl's lifeless body on the couch. Lenny starts running up
the stairs.
                                                            
                       EARL
(Coughs)
                                                            
Lenny stops and looks at Earl.
                                                            
                       LENNY
What?
                                                            
                       EARL
Quit running up the stairs so
loudly.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Uncle Earl!
                                                            
Lenny walks back down the stairs and hugs Earl. Then pushes
off of him.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Wait. You were dead. You weren't
breathing, at all.
                                                            
Earl snickers.
                                                            
                       EARL
Oh. hat's a trick I learned back
in 'nam. I slowed down my
breathing so we wouldn't be heard
by the Vietcong in our sleeping
tents. I guess it's impulse now.
                                                            
                       LENNY
You scared the hell out of me! I
thought you were dead!
                                                            
                       EARL
Looks like your luck has run out.
                                                            
                       LENNY
No, I'm glad you didn't die of
overdose or something.
                                                            
                       EARL
Psh. Yeah right. I'm gonna die
riding a dolphin into outer space.
I'm not gonna let drugs, age,
those Somalian pirates or the
cartel get to me first.
                                                            

22.

                       LENNY
What? Should we worry about those?
                                                            
Earl's eyes widen and then looks at Lenny.
                                                            
                       EARL
Nah...
                                                            
Lenny raises an eyebrow and looks at Earl. Then looks away.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Just...Whatever. I'm glad You're
alive. And forget all of those
mean things I said to you
yesterday. Sorry.
                                                            
Earl snickers again.
                                                            
                       EARL
I've been called worse by Daisy.
Don't sweat it.
                                                            
                       LENNY
Did you teach Daisy those words?
                                                            
                       EARL
You guessed it.
                                                            
Lenny walks up the stairs smiling.
                                                            
                       EARL
Good, he's gone.
                                                            
Earl pulls out a list that says: "Steps of indoctrination of
Lenny". He looks down the list and checks off "Fake death"
and moves on to "Save Lenny's life from set up trap" and
"Earn Lenny's gratitude".
                                                            
                       EARL
Heh heh heh, I've got your mind at
my finger tips, Lenny.
                                                            
Earl continues to laugh maniacally and puts more cocaine on
his gums while he is laughing. Camera shows exterior shot of
the house as Earl's laugh is still being heard.
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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