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Home Sweet Home
by Ben Egan (benjamin.egan@melroseschools.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review:

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


Lenny turns on radio which signifies that he is in his home
town in Oregon.
Good morning Tall Oaks, Oregon. It
is a sunny morning with a high of
70 and a low of 65. It is a good
day to do some outdoor activities
like checking out the new
renovated zoo down by main street,
or having a picnic in the park.
But now, lets listen to some good
'ol rock and roll. (Music plays)
Home sweet home. Tall Oaks,
Oregon. Haven't been here since
Christmas. I don't know if I can
last more than a couple weeks back
here. I'll say hi to mom, dad and
the family. Maybe meet up with
some old high school friends. All
I know is that I won't last long
back up here.
                                         AN HOUR PAST
There's my boy! How was the drive?
It was a pain, but other than that
it was fine. Where is everybody?
I'll get everybody. David! Earl!
Lenny is here!
Lenny's mother rushes from the main hallway to get Dad and
Almost running, Lenny's dad comes to greet Lenny.


How ya doing, son? It's been long.
I'm doing fine, thanks. Where's
Dad frowns and walks towards the basement door and yells.
Earl! Get up here! Lenny is home!
Earl makes a loud and obnoxious moan from the basement.
I'm Coming,calm down!
I almost forgot that living here
meant that there is a chance that
you'll go deaf. It really brings
back memories of very unpleasant
mornings and ridiculous arguments.
Earl's footsteps are heard coming up from the basement. Earl
only pokes his head through the doorway.
Hey, kid.
Hey, uncle Earl.
Earl sighed and walked back down to the basement.
Where is daisy?
Oh, Daisy is at the elementary
Mom pointed to the school which is visible from the window.
Thanks for reminding me. Why don't
you pick her up, it'll be a nice


Picking up kids from an elementary
school is what a Harvard grad
should be doing with his time.
Come on...
Fine, it's not like I just came
back from a seven hour flight or
For your attitude, now you have to
bring Earl with you, now.
Earl and Lenny both moan simultaneously.
Go now, don't want to be late.
Come on, Uncle Earl...
Earl and Lenny walk out the door.
We had got there a little early.
It gave me time to think. How
could Earl and my father be
brothers. My father is tall and
broad shouldered while Earl is fat
and barely reaching five foot two.
The man always seemed either high
or buzzed most of the time and
looked like he would ask strangers
for spare change.
We're early. Let's find some place
to sit. My knees are gonna give
Lenny and Earl find a bench and sit.


phew, good thing we found this
seat. I was going to collapse.
Earl's voice annoyed me like
nothing other. I was only hoping
that Daisy won't take long.
Ah, schools. I remember these
things. I went to them you know.
Earl, can you try and act any more
creepy? Stop panting and don't be
slouched like that. You're gonna
scare the kids away.
What are you talkin' about. I love
kids and the kids love me. I got
their back.
Earl pulls out a gun from his back pocket.
That's why I always carry a load
on me. To scare off bullies and
such. And plus, kids love guns.
Lenny grabs the gun from Earl's hands and slaps Earl in the
back of the head.
Jesus Christ Earl! Why the hell
would you bring a gun to an
elementary school?! Oh my god!
Earl rubs the back of his head where Lenny slapped him.
I think I had explained that
already. Now gimme my gun back.
NO! That's something you just
don't do! Oh my god!


Hey I got a license to carry.
No you don't, what are you talking
I got it here...
Earl sifts through his pockets and pulls out a piece of
Ah! Here it is. See?
Lenny takes the paper and looks at it.
What are you talking about? This
is a license to vend food.
Come on, they're practically the
same thing.
Lenny sighs and rubs his temples.
Never mind, lets just forget about
this and sit quietly.
Earl jokingly salutes.
Aye aye captain!
Daisy comes running from the entrance of the school to Earl
and Lenny.
Uncle Earl!
Hey Kiddo! How was school today?
It was great. We played
duck-duck-goose and finger painted


That's great and all, but look
who's here.
Earl points to Lenny.
Hey Daisy.
Oh, hi.
I had thought that Daisy would
have been a little more excited to
see me. She hasn't seen me in over
a year. I guess I don't know the
things that go on in a six year
old's mind.
Alright, want to go to the
I would have thought that Daisy
wouldn't have wanted to go to the
park with her distant, old, creepy
...I was wrong.
The three start walking to the park across the street. Lenny
moves over to Earl and pulls on his shoulder.
Tell me, why the hell does Daisy
respect you?
Earl replies without turning around.
I said already. Kids love me.


How? You're creepy old dude who
lives in our basement. How could
anyone love you?
Earl replies without taking offence.
I know its hard to believe... But
deal with it.
Lenny rolls his eyes and looks at Daisy.
Hey Daisy, want to do something
with your older brother?
Listen to yourself, Lenny. Please.
Earl smiles
good job, Daisy.
Earl turns around and sticks his tongue out at Lenny.
Real mature, Earl.
Earl and Daisy walk away together
      (TO HIMSELF)
What happened when I was gone?
Lenny walks back home.
I'm back.
Where's Daisy and Earl?
They went to the park.


Lenny walks into kitchen
That's nice.
Lenny washes his hands.
How was your first day back in
Very confusing.
How so?
When did we all start liking Uncle
We've always liked Earl, silly.
Sure. You can say that. That
doesn't go for everybody.
Earl has been the helping hand
around the house. Him and Daisy
get along very well. Have you
Lenny replies with an aggitated tone in his voice.
Lenny leaves the kitchen.
Where are you going?
I'm going to bed. I'm tired, the
jet lag probably.


Okay, dinner will be ready in a
couple hours. Don't want to sleep
through dinner.
I'll make sure to wake up then.
Lenny lays in his bed and stares at the ceiling. He does
nothing but twiddle his thumbs.
Man, I missed a lot. What
happened? I liked it where Daisy
liked to play with me. Dad sat in
his chair and watched the game.
Mom giving advice that actually
helped. And especially Earl being
hated. Did Earl do something, like
trick the family into liking him?
He's smart. He was quite the
gambler. Well, he used to be.
That's how he lost his house. And
wife. I don't know what happened.
What is he doing?
Lenny yawns.
                                         AN HOUR PASSES.
Lenny wakes up to hear Earl's muffled voice down stairs.
      (TO HIMSELF)
What is that?
Lenny gets up from his bed and moves closer to the door to
hear Earl a bit clearer.
Uncle Earl, did you see me on the
monkey bars?
Yeah, you did like seven of them.
It was great.


Lenny with his ear against the door sulks.
It was fun today! You're like the
brother I've always wanted.
Lenny feels disgusted.
Don't tell Lenny that. (Chuckles).
Lenny continues to sulk and climbs back on his bed and
continues to sleep.
                                         AN HOUR PASSES.
Lenny wakes up, fixes his hair and walks down stairs for
Lenny walks down the stairs into kitchen.
      (to Lenny)
There you are. Dinner is ready.
What you make?
Lenny looks as his mother pulls out a dish from the oven.
Oh, meatloaf.
Your dad's favorite. Don't you
like it?
Lenny lies. It is obvious to Mom.
I love it, Don't get me wrong.
Dad walks in.


      (to Mom)
What's cooking?
Dad looks at the dish which Mom took out of the oven and
...Meat loaf.
Mom notices both of Lenny's and Dad's attitude towards her
Do any of you like my cooking?
Earl walks in.
      (to Mom)
What are you cooking, Sarah?
Because it smells good.
Lenny and Dad give Earl a quizzical look.
      (to Earl)
Thank you, at least someone likes
my cooking.
      (under his breath)
Yeah, someONE...
What was that?
Dad replies quickly.
Nothing. Lets eat already. I'm
Lenny, Earl and Dad set the table as Mom puts the meatloaf
on the table.
Sarah, this meal looks delicious.
Daisy runs in from the living room to the kitchen.


Dinner! Dinner! I'm so hungry!
Daisy cuts short when she sees the meatloaf.
Oh, meatloaf...
Alright Daisy, sit down and shut
up. We're about to eat.
It feels great to eat like this
since, you know, graduating
Everybody sits down and gets ready to eat. Lenny is about to
take a bite when Earl stops him.
Ah-ah-ah, Lenny. We have to pray
before we eat.
What? Since when do we pray before
Since I showed your father the way
of the lord.
When I left for college, my father
was atheist and my mother was
barely Catholic. The sight of us
as a family praying was quite the
sight to see.
Everyone joins hands and starts to pray. Faded prayers are
heard as Lenny looks around the dinner table confused and
Amen... Lets eat.


Everyone but Lenny says amen and continues to eat. Lenny is
left sitting in his seat giving everyone a troubled look
without touching his food.
What's going on here? Since when
is Dad a devoted Catholic? Why did
we have to pray?
We do it to thank Jesus for our
Atta-girl, Daisy.
      (to Earl)
Oh, shut up!
Hey! That's mean! Why did you say
shut up to me!
What? I said shut up to Earl.
Hey! You jerk! Saying shut up to
Alright! Everybody needs to shut
up! Just eat and be quiet!
The arguing stops and everybody remains silent. Daisy, Earl
and Lenny keep their heads down and eat without talking.
I just wanted to thank Jeebus for
the dinner we were eating, and be
a happy family...
BS! Daisy does that thing where
she purposefully mispronounces
words so she seems cute and the
attention goes to her.


      (to Daisy)
Its okay, we're a happy family
Not all of us.
Lenny rolls his eyes and eats his food without talking.
A couple hours had passed since dinner and Lenny goes to the
basement where Earl sleeps and wants to talk to him.
Hey Earl! I want to talk to you.
Earl jolts up from sleeping on a couch.
Wha-What? What do you want?
I just need to clear things up.
Fine hold on a second.
Earl reaches down in between the couch cushions and pulls
out a small bag of cocaine and starts rubbing it on his
Oh my God! What the hell is that?
Its's my go-go powder. I'm sleepy,
it'll wake me up. Go ahead, what
did you want me for?
Wait. Does Mom and Dad know about
No they don't. If you even think
about telling them, just remember,
I fought in 'Nam. I've done some
things. Keep your mouth shut.


Lenny remains silent for a bit with his mouth open.
Okay, jeez. I-I just wanted to ask
a couple questions. Do you mind?
No. Not at all. Why don't you have
a seat.
Earl moves to the side a bit and pats the cushion where he
pulled the drugs out of, implying that Lenny can sit there.
I'm good. I'll just stand.
Suit yourself...
Earl kicks his feet up and lays on the couch.
but anyway. What happened? Why is
everything different? I liked it
how the house was before I left
Oh. So you are some kind of
conservative now are ya?
What? Let's not bring political
perspectives into this argument. I
just want to know what you did to
get the family to like you.
Earl smirked and chuckled.
What are you talking about? The
family always liked me. They are
just acting different because you
were just re-introduced into their
lives after a couple years. I
didn't do nothing.
Yes you did. You had to. They now
adore you for no apparent reason
and you haven't changed your
attitude at all since I left.


Earl stops for a moment to think.
The thing is, I've always been
like this. I just disrespect you.
Lenny gives a quizzical look.
Yep, I never liked you. That's why
I've been with your little sister
a lot lately. I don't want her to
be like you.
You don't want Daisy to be a
Harvard grad? Like ME...
No, I don't want her to be an
annoying nuisance like you.
What? Yeah, okay. You're a real
A-hole Earl.
...And one to make proctologists
proud, Lenny.
Earl picks up remote.
Now if you don't mind. I've got a
date with the DVR.
Earl gesticulates towards the door.
Wait, I have to know why.
Earl sighs and looks at Lenny.
...Because your a smart-ass.
...One to make proctologists


Lenny smirks.
Kid, it was funny when I did it.
You're just pushing it.
Whatever, how was I annoying.
Firstly, your everyday speaking
voice sound like a quote from a
Charles Dickens book.
So? What's wrong with that?
It's annoying. And secondly: you
seem to brag about your every
little accomplishment when
clearly, nobody cares.
Lenny gives off a look of confusion.
Sorry that graduating Harvard
isn't something you care about.
Earl start raising his voice a little.
Hey kid, I was a millionaire
briefly back in my gambling days!
Lenny also starts to raise his voice.
Well then why are you living in
your brother's basement.
It was all the goddamn cartel's
What?! I don't even want to get
into that.
If it weren't for them, I'd
probably have solid gold spinning
rims on my own jet ski living in


                       EARL (cont'd)
California or Vegas by now.
Earl jolts upwards from laying on the couch.
Earl, man, how many drugs are you
Earl looks at Lenny.
Not enough...
Earl starts charging up the stairs but Lenny stops him.
Hey Earl, lets talk about this or
something. Calm down a bit.
Earl drops his head and lets go of the railing.
I know what to do.
Earl smirks and starts moving towards his couch.
Don't even think about it, lets go
upstairs and talk.
Earl stops, looks at Lenny and sulks.
Both Earl and Lenny walk upstairs to the kitchen.
Earl and Lenny take a seat in the kitchen, across from one
I got an undergrad in psychology
at Harvard, I can probably try and
change Earl into a more likable
person after tonight.


Let's talk.
                                         AN HOUR PASSES
Lenny and Earl are just finishing their conversation.
That's an interesting way of
looking at life as a whole. At
first I tried religion, but that
didn't do nothin'. Plus, Buddhism
is the one true religion.
Uh, I suppose its just preferences
I guess. Anyway, do you feel any
better? Do you feel less agitated?
A little... You know, you're not
that bad. I can deal with you.
You're tolerable.
Lenny gives a straight face.
Lenny looks at the clock.
Man, it's 2:38! We should get to
You going to bed?
I don't know if you remember, but
I rubbed cocaine on my gums less
than an hour ago. I'm not going to
sleep anytime soon.
Oh, right. So I guess I'll see you
Earl smiled.


See ya.
Lenny goes to his bedroom and falls asleep.
Lenny comes from his room to the kitchen the next morning
and sees his father eating breakfast alone.
Hey dad.
Hey Lenny, sleep well?
yeah. Where is everybody? It's
Your mother went to work, Daisy
went to school and Earl is on the
couch in the basement, asleep.
Oh, I'm going to wake up Earl.
Yeah, you do that.
Dad snickers and Lenny walks down to the basement.
Hey Earl!
Lenny sees Earl laying on the couch not moving.
Earl! Earl! Wake up Earl!
Lenny shakes Earl on the couch and he doesn't seem to wake
Oh god...


Lenny stands up slowly without breaking eye-contact with
Earl's lifeless body on the couch. Lenny starts running up
the stairs.
Lenny stops and looks at Earl.
Quit running up the stairs so
Uncle Earl!
Lenny walks back down the stairs and hugs Earl. Then pushes
off of him.
Wait. You were dead. You weren't
breathing, at all.
Earl snickers.
Oh. hat's a trick I learned back
in 'nam. I slowed down my
breathing so we wouldn't be heard
by the Vietcong in our sleeping
tents. I guess it's impulse now.
You scared the hell out of me! I
thought you were dead!
Looks like your luck has run out.
No, I'm glad you didn't die of
overdose or something.
Psh. Yeah right. I'm gonna die
riding a dolphin into outer space.
I'm not gonna let drugs, age,
those Somalian pirates or the
cartel get to me first.


What? Should we worry about those?
Earl's eyes widen and then looks at Lenny.
Lenny raises an eyebrow and looks at Earl. Then looks away.
Just...Whatever. I'm glad You're
alive. And forget all of those
mean things I said to you
yesterday. Sorry.
Earl snickers again.
I've been called worse by Daisy.
Don't sweat it.
Did you teach Daisy those words?
You guessed it.
Lenny walks up the stairs smiling.
Good, he's gone.
Earl pulls out a list that says: "Steps of indoctrination of
Lenny". He looks down the list and checks off "Fake death"
and moves on to "Save Lenny's life from set up trap" and
"Earn Lenny's gratitude".
Heh heh heh, I've got your mind at
my finger tips, Lenny.
Earl continues to laugh maniacally and puts more cocaine on
his gums while he is laughing. Camera shows exterior shot of
the house as Earl's laugh is still being heard.


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