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Hard Knob Life - Pilot
by Joe Bauer (joe.bauer2@gmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Drama   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED

A soap operatic coming-of-age drama set in the small town of FLoyds Knobs, Indiana. Loads of suspense & more than a little romance punctuate the lives of these characters.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



HARD KNOB LIFE - PILOT

FADE IN:

EXT. OPENING MONOLOGUE - DAY
                                                            
Camera shows shots of different places in Floyds Knobs, IN.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR
This is the Knobs. Don't be
fooled, it may seem like a nice
quiet place, but lurking within
this peaceful suburbia lies a
plague of secrets & betrayal.
Welcome to a story of deception,
lies, & betrayal. Because these
seven teens have one Hard Knob
Life.
                                                            
                                         TRANSITION INTO
THEME SONG
                                                            
♫ It's a Hard Knob Life, for us
It's a Hard Knob Life, for us
This place has got some charm & stuff,
but it's a Hard Knob life ♫
                                                            
 
INT. OLD LOVERS' ENCOUNTER - NIGHT
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (softly)
It's good to see you again, Tabby.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (staring away)
Don't call me that, Jake.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Tabatha...
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (holding back
       tears)
Jake, I don't think I can be with
you... not after what happened.
                                                            
                       JAKE
But I swear it wasn't my fault!
                                                            

2.

                       BONNIE
      (stares at Jake)
Then who's fault was it, Jake?
Who?
                                                            
                       JAKE
I... I don't know.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (after a long
       silence)
Tabatha, I'm so sorry about what
happened. But I need to be with
you again... I miss you, I miss
looking into your eyes, I miss
holding your hand-
      (abrubtly stops)
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (angrily)
Well, I can never do that again!
      (whispers)
For more than one reason.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (stunned)
What are you saying? I- I love
you...
                                                            
Tabatha runs away crying
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
EXT. THE LONE WOLF - DAY
                                                            
Bonnie is walking out of school when she sees Sledge.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Hey Sledge! Wait up!
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (indifferently)
Oh. Hey, Bonnie.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Hey! So, what are you up to?
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (indifferently)
Nothing.
                                                            
They approach Sledge's motorcycle.
                                                            

3.

                       BONNIE
      (excited)
Oh! I love your bike!
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (indifferently)
Whatever.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (flirtatiously)
So, you wanna give me a ride?
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (indifferently)
Sorry babe,
                                                            
Sledge starts up his motorcycle, and gives the engine a good
revving.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE (cont'd)
      (indifferently)
I only ride solo.
                                                            
Tabatha runs by crying. Sledge & Bonnie stare, confused.
Sledge drives away.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. FRIENDLY ADVICE - DAY
                                                            
THE FLASHBACK
                                                            
Jake enters into his old pal, Handy Randy's Workshop. Randy
is startled and abruptly begins hammering a nearby wall.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Hey,
      (speaks louder)
Randy, you got a minute?
                                                            
Randy stops, turns quickly, & sees Jake.
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (Happily)
Jake!
                                                            
Randy sets down the hammer.
                                                            
                       JAKE
If this is a bad time, I can come
back-
                                                            

4.

                       RANDY
      (Eagerly)
Oh, no! Not at all! I was just
working on one of my kooky
gadgets, like I am one to do!
                                                            
Jake walks over across the room.
                                                            
                       RANDY (cont'd)
Hey, what's on your mind, Champ?
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (Takes a deep
       breath.)
You know Tabatha, right?
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (concerned)
Of course. Did something happen?
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (staring off as if
       in shock)
It all started when me and Tabatha
went out to do some sight seeing
on her late parent's private
nature reserve, everything started
out so nice...
      (lowers voice)
But then we got to the howler
monkeys.
                                                            
                                         FADES OUT TO SHOW
JAKE & TABATHA AT
THE RESERVE.
                                                            
EXT. THE FLASHBACK - DAWN
                                                            
                       JAKE
Look at those howler monkeys, Tab.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
So majestic, I'm so glad my
parents decided to build this
nature reserve on our lucrative
diamond mine.
      (looking off
       suddenly)
But it's too bad they both
recently died in separate freak
accidents.
                                                            
There is a brief moment when no one says anything.
                                                            

5.

                       JAKE
      (concerned)
Tab?
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (after composing
       herself)
This is just great Jake. I love
you.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (turns to Tabatha)
I love you too, Tabatha.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Kiss me, Jake.
                                                            
We see a straight on shot of Jake as he closes his eyes and
begins to lean in for the kiss.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (suddenly)
Woah!
                                                            
Tabatha is shown falling out of the tree into the pack of
howler monkeys.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (screaming)

BLEAAAAAHHHHHOOOOAOAOEEEEEGRAARGAGALL!!
                                                            
We see an upward angle of Jake crouching in the tree
horrified. The shrieking of Tabatha's cries for help are
masked only by the sounds of the ripping of limbs and the
howls of a dozen angry howler monkeys.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (raising clenched
       fists)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
                                                            
                                         FADE BACK TO JAKE IN
THE WORKSHOP.
                                                            
                       JAKE (cont'd)
      (extremely upset,
       speaking quickly)
I have no idea what happened, but
Tabatha says I pushed her. I would
never do anything like that... Now
she hates me & she's missing both
            (MORE)

6.

                       JAKE (cont'd)
her arms.
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (shakes his head
       sadly)
Jake,
      (sighs, thinking
       for a moment)
you know, things like this happen.
Howler monkeys attack young girls.
You... you get your arms ripped
off. You gotta pick yourself up-
you gotta... get someone else to
pick you up, & keep on keeping on.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (smiles slightly)
You know,
      (slight pause)
you're right. I'm gonna go talk to
her. Thanks Handy Randy.
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (with a sense of
       accomplishment)
No problem, kid. No problem.
                                                            
Randy goes back to hammering.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. THE PARK - DAY
                                                            
Jake & Ralph are shown walking in the park when they meet
Trixie & Bonnie.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Hi boys!
                                                            
                       JAKE
Oh, hey! What's up?
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Uh. Not much.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
So, I'm totally having a party
this weekend. You two def need to
come.
                                                            

7.

                       JAKE
Sounds cool.
                                                            
                       RALPH
      (mumbling)
Uh, refrigerators are u,h cool...
def.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (ignoring Ralph)
Yeah.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (pauses)
So, have either of you seen Sledge
lately?
                                                            
                       JAKE
No, that guy's a total loner.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
That guy is weird. But I guess he
could come too.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Well, we'll see you there. Bye!
                                                            
                       RALPH
      (mumbling)
I'll uh, bring the napkins.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
EXT. THE FIGHT - DAY
                                                            
Bonnie is on the phone walking over to Trixie's house to set
up for the big party. She turns the corner & sees Sledge
outside her house sitting on his bike talking to Trixie.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
      (to Sledge)
I can't wait for tonight.
                                                            
Trixie gives Sledge a kiss with Bonnie visible in the
background.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (indifferently)
Whatever.
                                                            
Sledge rides away.
                                                            

8.

                       BONNIE
      (angrily)
Trixie!
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
      (surprised &
       embarassed)
Oh, hey Bonnie. When did you get
here?
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (with intensity)
Just in time to see you slobbing
on my man. What were you doing
with Sledge?
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
      (defensively)
We were just talking about the
party. Chill-ax.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Well, what was that kiss? You know
I like him!
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Bonnie, you had your chance with
Sledge, & you messed it up.
                                                            
We see a close up of Bonnie.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Well, how about I mess up,
      (pauses)
your face.
                                                            
Bonnie lunges at Trixie & starts off a huge fight until
Tabatha runs in to break it up.
                                                            
ENT. TABATHA. Running to help, she positions herself in
between her feuding friends.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (pleading)
Break it up! Please!
                                                            
                       TABATHA (cont'd)
Look, were all friends here.
                                                            
The fight stops.
                                                            

9.

                       TRIXIE
      (taking a deep
       breath)
Tabatha's right, if you really
like Sledge I'll leave him alone.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (taking a deep
       breath)
Thank you. And I'm sorry too, lets
put this behind us & set up for
the party.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
You know Tabatha, jumping in like
to stop us, that was courageous, I
really got to hand it to-
                                                            
Trixie abruptly stops. There is an awkward silence. Tabatha
runs away crying.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
EXT. THE CONFESSIONS - EVENING
                                                            
We see a brief party montage. Bonnie, Trixie, & Tabatha are
talking to one another.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
I'm glad we're back to normal
Trix.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Me too, tonight is gonna be so-o
awesome.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Uh oh, Tabatha, there's Jake, are
you gonna go talk to him?
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (nervously)
I can't- I just can't!
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
That's okay girl. You don't have
to do anything. How about we just
go inside, I could use a hand with
the-
                                                            
Tabatha runs away crying. Jake quickly walks up to Bonnie &
Trixie.
                                                            

10.

                       BONNIE
Wow, we really need to work on
that.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (concerned)
What's wrong with Tabatha?
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (puts her hands on
       her hips.)
Like you have to ask. If you
hadn't pushed her into that pit,
none of this would have ever
happened.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (urgently)
I didn't push her! I swear!
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Well she said she was pushed, &
you were the only one there.
                                                            
ENT. SNAKE, Jake's evil twin brother walking into the
background.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
Or, was he?
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (surprised)
Snake! When did you get out of
Juevy?
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Uh, who the frick are you?
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
I'm Jake's evil twin brother,
Snake!
                                                            
                       JAKE
I should have known you were
behind this!
                                                            
                       JAKE
How'd you do it, Snake?
                                                            

11.

                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
It was oh so easy, brother.
                                                            
The view transitions back into the scene earlier described
by Jake.
                                                            
THE FLASHBACK REVISITED.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
This is just great Jake. I love
you.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (turns to Tabatha)
I love you too, Tabatha.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Kiss me, Jake.
                                                            
The camera show a wide angle shot of both Jake and Tabatha
leaning in for the kiss. In the background Snake comes into
focus and shoves Tabatha right before Jake kisses her.
                                                            
                                         FADE BACK TO THE
PARTY.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (angerly)
You'll never get away with it,
Snake! We know the truth.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
But the best part is, no one will
ever believe you!
      (laughs
       hysterically.)
                                                            
Snake then sprints away, but before he can get over the
fence, Randy appears and lasso's him to the ground.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Way to go Randy!
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (standing over
       Snake.)
Handy Randy is always willing to
lend a helping hand.
                                                            

12.

                       BONNIE
Hey! That reminds me, where's
Tabatha?
                                                            
                       JAKE
Yeah, I have to tell her this!
                                                            
                       RALPH
      (mumbling)
Oh, uh...She uh, said she was
going for uh, a swim.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (alarmed)
But- Tabatha can't swim!
                                                            
Everyone runs to the pool. Where Tabatha is shown face down
in the water.
                                                            
Randy quickly picks her up & holds her in his arms.
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (whispering)
She's... she's dead.
                                                            
Trixie spits out the water she was drinking.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (screams)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Guys, this may not be the best
time, but I just found out; that
I'm pregnant.
                                                            
Sledge spits out the water he was drinking.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (after taking a
       few breathes)
Well, since we're all coming clean
here; I take ballet lessons, two
times a week.
                                                            
Jake spits out the water he was drinking.
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (loudly)
I am a convicted sex offender.
                                                            
Everyone spits out the water they were drinking.
                                                            

13.

                       RALPH
      (seriously)
I also have something to say.
      (pauses)
I uh, forgot the napkins.
                                                            
                                         ROLL CREDITS
                                                            
 
INT. HARD KNOB LIFE - EP. 2 - MINE CONTROL - DAY
                                                            
                                         FADE IN
                                                            
Different shots of the Knobs are shown.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR
This is the Knobs. Don't be
fooled, it may seem like a nice
quiet place, but lurking within
this peaceful suburbia lies a
plague of secrets & betrayal.
Welcome to a story of deception,
lies, & betrayal. Because these
eight teens have one Hard Knob
Life.
                                                            
                                         TRANSISTION INTO
THEME SONG
                                                            
♫ It's a Hard Knob Life, for us
It's a Hard Knob Life, for us
This place has got some charm & stuff,
Tabatha got her arms ripped off,
'cause it's a Hard Knob life ♫
                                                            
 
EXT. THE AFTERPARTY - EVENING
                                                            
We rejoin the group right were we left them. They stand
around stunned, staring at one another in silence. Then
suddenly, Tabatha gasps for air to the now shocked and
joyous group. Handy Randy fades into the background as they
gather around her.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (gasping)
Who's there?
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Oh my gosh. oh my gosh!
                                                            
                       JAKE
Tabatha! You're alive!
                                                            

14.

                       TABATHA
      (scared & confused)
What happened?
                                                            
The group looks at one another, shocked by their
recollection.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
You tried to go swimming, Tab!
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (recovering)
Oh my gosh!
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (excitedly)
Handy Randy saved you!
                                                            
They all go silent, no one makes eye contact.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (looking around
       with excitement)
Handy Randy, where are you?
                                                            
The group looks around to realize Randy was nowhere to be
found. Tabatha's confusion grows.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (slightly less
       indifferently)
Tabatha, Randy admitted to
something, shortly before you
regained consciousness, & shortly
after capturing Snake, Jake's evil
twin brother.
                                                            
Snake grumbles in dissent.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (nervously)
Maybe it's not as bad as it seems!
                                                            
                       TABATHA
What was it?
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Tabatha, baby, just try and relax
right now.
                                                            
Snake is shown wiggling in his lasso.
                                                            

15.

                       JAKE
      (triumphantly)
You're not going anywhere.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
I should have eaten you in the
womb when I had the chance!
                                                            
                       TABATHA
I can't remember anything!
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (to Sledge)
Should we call the police?
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (slightly less
       indifferently)
Don't like the cops, but maybe.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
I'm calling an ambulance, that's
the only important thing right
now.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (frantically)
What happened to my arms?!
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. HANDY RANDY NOT SO DANDY - MORNING
                                                            
Randy is shown pulling up in front of a house and getting
out of his truck, he looks weary and tense. Pulling out his
phone he takes a deep breath and dials a number.
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (in an official
       tone)
This is the Mallard to Base. Base,
are you there?
                                                            
A voice is heard responding as a mumble through the phone.
                                                            
                       RANDY
Sir, I am disappointed to say the
mission has yet to be completed.
                                                            
Mumbling intensifies.
                                                            

16.

                       RANDY
Last night things did not go as
planned, the package was not
delivered by my carrier. I
attempted to complete the task by
secondary means, but ultimately
failed to eliminate the target.
Looking back, the original plan
should have been executed in a way
that made more logical sense.
                                                            
A long segment of mumbling is heard.
                                                            
                       RANDY
Don't worry sir, as long as I'm
alive you can count on me.
                                                            
A close up of Randy's face is shown, slowly squinting into
the dawn. He then sneezes.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
EXT. FORMER LOVERS, LATTER DAYS - DAY
                                                            
Jake and Tabatha are shown in a park standing at a slight
distance, Tabatha nervously biting her lip. Jake looking
like he's not sure how to feel.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Thanks for meeting me, Tab.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
It's so good to see you, Jake.
Come & kiss me?
                                                            
Tabatha takes a step toward Jake, but stops when he looks
down at his feet with a disheveled frown.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Tabatha. I'm not sure how to feel.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (eyes wide)
What's wrong, baby?
                                                            
                       JAKE
You thought I was a liar.
      (clutching his
       chest)
You thought I could have tried to
hurt you.
                                                            

17.

                       TABATHA
      (weeping)
I'm-so-sorry!
                                                            
                       JAKE
You doubted me, but I would walk
the Earth for you. I would swim
acro-
      (He trails off)
                                                            
Tabatha runs away crying. Jake is shown rubbing his palm
against his forehead.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
EXT. MAN CHAT - MOMENTS LATER
                                                            
The shot continues, Jake is shown standing around, still in
the park. Then Sledge pulls up on his motorcycle.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Sledge, I haven't seen you since
the, the party.
      (pausing slightly)
Tabs gonna be just fine.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (indifferently)
Cool.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (in a slight
       whisper)
Hey, has anyone heard from Handy
Randy?
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (indifferently)
Not me.
                                                            
                       JAKE
I talked to Bonnie earlier, she
was really weird.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (indifferently)
Something's up.
                                                            
Sledge drives away on his motorcycle.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 

18.

INT. RALPH & A SNEEZING MOUTH - DAY
                                                            
We rejoin Handy Randy standing in front of a house, his
truck behind him on the road. He briefly composes himself &
knocks on the door.
                                                            
                       RALPH
      (mumbling)
Oh, uh look who it is.
                                                            
                       RANDY
Ralph, my boy.
      (a slight awkward
       pause)
Could I come in?
                                                            
                       RALPH
Yeah, uh yes.
                                                            
They enter the home & sit down at the kitchen table.
                                                            
                       RANDY
I knew I could count on you,
Ralph. And if you'd just let me
explain what I might have said the
other night..
                                                            
Ralph looks up at Randy.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Coach, I wasn't even, um, paying
attention.
                                                            
Randy begins a wide grin but then abruptly sneezes.
                                                            
                       RALPH
      (mumbling)
Here's a, uh napkin.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. TRIX' ARE FOR KIDS - DAY
                                                            
Tabatha is sitting in her home with a friend we have yet to
meet. They are laughing & enjoying each others' company.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
      (emphatically)
O.M.G. I can not believe you
almost drowned.
                                                            

19.

                       TABATHA
It was so weird.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
It's so weird. So Jake was telling
the truth the entire time?
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (slightly
       exasperated)
I can't believe I didn't trust
him.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
O.M.G. This is so juicy. So.
      (dramatic pause)
How are you gonna get him back?
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Oh, I just don't know, Bea!
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
Listen here, woman. I've got three
words for you; Jeal-ous-y.
                                                            
ENTER TRIXIE & BONNIE
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Oh, hi guys!
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Tabatha we've been looking
everywhere for you- Oh, hello, who
is this?
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Guys, I want you meet my old
friend, Beatrix. We've just
reconnected after all these years!
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
O.M.G. It is so good to finally
meet you guys.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (with slight
       urgnecy)
Tab, could I talk to you,
privately?
                                                            
Tabatha & Bonnie walk over to a nearby room, leaving Trixie
and Beatrix together. There is a hint of tension wafting in
the air.
                                                            

20.

                       BEATRIX
      (after a slight
       awkward silence)
So, Tabatha tells me Bonnie has a
little bun in the oven.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
      (crossing her ams)
Huh, more like Blabatha.
                                                            
The girls share a quick but spirited laugh.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
It seems like things have been
pretty stressful lately.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Uh. Yeah.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
Tabatha really seems like she's in
a rut.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
      (sighs)
Yeah. What do you think we should
do?
                                                            
Beatrix flashes a devilish grin, along with some subtle
eyebrow movements.
                                                            
                                         CUT TO OTHER ROOM
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (slightly
       exasperated)
I don't know what to do, Tab.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Bonnie, you've got to tell them.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
I just need some more time, it's
gotta be at the right time, you
know?
                                                            
ENTER TRIXE & BEATRIX
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
Ladies, my tension senses have
been tensing up over here, but me
& Trix happen to have the
solution.
                                                            

21.

                       TRIXIE
What do you say, we throw a party?
                                                            
Tabatha & Bonnie look at each other in consideration.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Well, the last party didn't go
exactly as planned.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (with shrugging)
I guess we could use a re-do. Blow
off a little steam.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
That's my girl! Now all we need is
a plan, a tan, & then we can get
back your man!
                                                            
The girls make various gleeful sounds.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. TWO BROTHERS - AFTERNOON
                                                            
We are in Jake & Snake's home. Snake opens the fridge,
shakes up a few soda cans before placing them back on the
shelf & shutting the door, revealing Jake standing with arms
crossed.
                                                            
                       JAKE
You're pure evil, Snake.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (putting a
       toothpick in his
       mouth, evilly)
Still mad about your little
girlfriend, brother? I kind of
like her new look.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Just tell me why you did it.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
'Cause I'm evil.
      (flicks toothpick
       away)
So, you going to that party
tomorrow, bro?
                                                            

22.

                       JAKE
      (slightly
       disgusted)
Who invited you?
                                                            
ENTER JAKE SR wearing his full military uniform, per usual.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
      (with a commanding
       tone)
Hello, sons.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
You called our father?
                                                            
                       JAKE
Shut up.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
That's enough. I've heard about
your exploits, Snake. Know your
punishment will be grave.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
Yeah, nice to see you too, Pop.
Surprised you were able to take
off work.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
Young man, that's quite enough. I
will not apologize for serving my
country.
      (Shouting)
Weiner eating, back-fat mountain!
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
Still getting the Tourettes under
control, huh Pop?
                                                            
Jake Sr. loudly coughs & straightens out his uniform a bit.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
Boys, the matter at hand is very
serious, & I intend to deal with
it.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Yes, sir.
                                                            

23.

                       JAKE SR.
Speaking of which, I am sorry to
hear about your old pal, Handy
Randy.
                                                            
                       JAKE
I'm worried, sir. No one has seen
him in days.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
Son, you haven't heard?
      (dramatic pause)
Handy Randy is dead.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (shouting)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
Hey don't look at me.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
It seems he came into contact with
a strain of anthrax, my men are
currently investigating.
                                                            
                       JAKE

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
EXT. FOUNDING FATHER - MOMENTS LATER
                                                            
Jake Sr. leaves the room & steps outside, once out of view
he pulls out his phone & dials a number.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
This is the Wombat to Base, do you
copy?
                                                            
A voice is heard as a mumble through the phone.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
Our initial agent's status is
deceased. Secondary agent is
currently deactivated until we
asses our strategies.
                                                            
A long segment of mumbling is heard.
                                                            

24.

                       JAKE SR.
Understood, we will move forward
as soon as possible. Rest assured,
I have no doubt we will soon seize
control of the diamond mine.
                                                            
A close up shot of Jake Sr. is shown, he hangs up & squints
into the dusk.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
      (shouting)
Toilet Person!
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
EXT. THE PARTY - EVENING
                                                            
We see a brief party montage. Bonnie, Beatrix, Trixie, &
Tabatha are talking to one another.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
I'm glad we're getting back to
normal, you guys.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Me too, tonight is gonna be so-o
awesome. Beatrix, thank you so
much for putting this all
together.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
Don't even mention it, my fellow
female. If I didn't throw an
off-the-wall par-tay soon I was
going to literally die.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Uh oh, you guys, there's Jake,
should I go talk to him?
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
No way, T. Do you need a reminder
what we talked about? How about
you just come give me... some
help, in the kitchen.
                                                            
Tabatha agrees, & the 3 able-bodied girls shared a thumbs up
of relief.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
But first, give him an icy glance.
                                                            

25.

                       BONNIE
      (with excitment)
That's so cold.
                                                            
Tabatha takes a step in Jake's direction.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (with kindness)
Oh, hi Tabatha. How are you?
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (icy)
Oh. Hey.
                                                            
Tabatha struts back to the girls.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
      (excitedly)
That was so cold.
                                                            
ENTER SNAKE, Jake's evil twin brother. Beatrix gives Tabatha
a nudge, along with some sly winking.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (flirtatiously)
Hi there, Snake. You sure look
nice today.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
You might say I'm, evilishly
handsome.
                                                            
Tabatha laughs, rubbing Snake's upper arm with her stump.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (in disbelief)
Tabatha, what are you doing? Do
you not remember what he did to
you?
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (upset)
No, I don't Jake, I suffered
amnesia!
                                                            
Tabatha runs away crying.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
Wow, Jake.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Wow.
                                                            

26.

                       BONNIE
Wow.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
Snake, why don't you go talk to
her.
                                                            
Snake follows the sound of Tabatha's sobs.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (unhappy)
This is just great. My girl won't
talk to me, my evil twin is
consoling her, & my good friend
Handy Randy is dead.
                                                            
ENTER HANDY RANDY.
                                                            
                       RANDY
Or, am I?
                                                            
The group shares a collective gasp.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Handy Randy! What are you doing
here? I thought you were dead!
                                                            
                       RANDY
Just like I planned, my young
friend. I needed to get your
father off my trail.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (confused)
My father?
                                                            
                       RANDY
Allow me to explain; The US
government hired me to infiltrate
your group in order to accomplish
a single task, to kill Tabatha.
                                                            
The group shares another collective gasp.
                                                            
                       RANDY
For years the CIA has been
investing in new mind control
technology. When at first I was
reluctant to accept the mission, I
was fitted with a special
diamond-based mind control chip.
                                                            
The group shares another collective gasp.
                                                            

27.

                       RANDY
You see, they needed control of
Tabatha's diamond mine, they're
the purest diamonds in the land.
The current technology works, but
there's one thing that can cause
major interference & disrupt the
whole system,
      (dramtic pause)
True love.
      (another dramatic
       pause)
Bonnie, I love you.
                                                            
The group shares another collective gasp.
                                                            
                       RANDY
I knew it as soon as I heard you
were pregnant. I wanna be with you
& that baby for the rest of our
lives.
                                                            
The group shares a collective, 'Aw.'
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Randy, there isn't a baby.
                                                            
The group shares collective gasp.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
There's two babies.
                                                            
The group shares another collective gasp.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (slightly less
       indifferent)
Bonnie, this whole time I was
under the impression that I was
father.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
      (aside)
You go, girl.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (after a long
       pause)
Randy, Sledge.
      (dramatic pause)
You're both the father.
                                                            
The group shares another collective gasp.
                                                            

28.

Tension hangs in the air, Jake begins to sweat, Trixie bites
her nails, Beatrix strikes a dramatic pose. Randy, Sledge &
Bonnie all stare at each other before simultaneously
embracing in a warm, deep group hug.
                                                            
The group shares another collective, 'Aw.'
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (urgently)
Everyone listen, now that I'm out
of the picture, the government has
almost certainly activated a back
up operative to complete the
mission. Tabatha is still in
danger.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (slightly less
       indifferently)
Hey, where is Tabatha?
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
She's inside with Jake's evil twin
brother, Snake.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (stunned)
Oh my God.
                                                            
The group sprints inside before all slamming to a halt in
the kitchen, stunned by what they see.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
Tabatha, just a moment ago I had
the uncontrollable urge to kill
you, but now I know, deep down
inside, I love you with everything
I've got.
      (dramatic pause)
Will you marry me?
                                                            
The group shares another collective gasp. Tabatha looks at
Beatrix, smiles & gives her a wink.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Yes, I love you, Snake. Much more
than your brother, Jake.
                                                            
The two embrace while the group stands shocked. ENTER RALPH
in a tizzy of excitement.
                                                            

29.

                       RALPH
      (in a tizzy of
       excited
       enunciation)
Everyone, I figured it out, I
figured it all out! Handy Randy
faked his death, the napkins were
covered in anthrax, he was a
secret government agent- he must
of had an antidote. He was sent
here to kill Tabatha! The
government wants control of her
diamond mine because they're the
purest di-uh..
                                                            
Jake puts a finger to Ralph's mouth. Ralph looks around the
group.
                                                            
                       RALPH
      (mumbling)
Oh, uh hey, uh. Hey, hey there,
Randy.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (with sadness)
We know, Ralph... We know. You're
too late... I'm too late,
      (dramatic pause)
too late for love.
                                                            
Jake walks off into the night. Tabatha begins to call out to
Jake, before being embraced in a passionate, but evil kiss.
                                                            
                                         ROLL CREDITS
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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