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Hard Knob Life - Pilot
by Joe Bauer (joe.bauer2@gmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Drama   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED

A soap operatic coming-of-age drama set in the small town of FLoyds Knobs, Indiana. Loads of suspense & more than a little romance punctuate the lives of these characters.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



HARD KNOB LIFE - PILOT

FADE IN:

EXT. OPENING CREDITS - DAY
                                                            
Different areas of Floyds Knobs, IN are shown.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR
This is the Knobs. Don't be
fooled, it may seem like a nice
quiet place, but lurking within
this peaceful suburbia lies a
plague of secrets & betrayal.
Welcome to a story of deception,
lies, & betrayal. Because these
six teens have one Hard Knob Life.
                                                            
                                         TRANSITION INTO
THEME SONG
                                                            
♫ It's a Hard Knob Life, for us
It's a Hard Knob Life, for us
This place has got some charm & stuff.
A Knob is kind of, like a bluff,
but it's a Hard Knob life ♫
                                                            
 
INT. OLD LOVERS' ENCOUNTER - NIGHT
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (softly)
It's good to see you again, Tabby.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (staring away)
Don't call me that, Jake.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Tabatha...
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (holding back
       tears)
Jake, I don't think I can be with
you... not after what happened.
                                                            
                       JAKE
But I swear it wasn't my fault!
                                                            

2.

                       TABATHA
      (stares at Jake)
Then who's fault was it, Jake?
Who?
                                                            
                       JAKE
I... I don't know.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (after a long
       silence)
Tabatha, I'm so sorry about what
happened. But I need to be with
you again... I miss you, I miss
looking into your eyes, I miss
holding your hand-
      (abrubtly stops)
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (angrily)
Well, I can never do that again!
      (whispers)
For more than one reason.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (stunned)
What are you saying? I- I love
you...
                                                            
Tabatha runs away crying
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
EXT. THE LONE WOLF - DAY
                                                            
Bonnie is walking out of school when she sees Sledge.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Hey Sledge! Wait up!
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (indifferently)
Oh. Hey, Bonnie.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Hey! So, what are you up to?
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (indifferently)
Nothing.
                                                            
They approach Sledge's motorcycle.
                                                            

3.

                       BONNIE
      (excited)
Oh! I love your bike!
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (indifferently)
Whatever.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (flirtatiously)
So, you wanna give me a ride?
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (indifferently)
Sorry babe,
                                                            
Sledge starts up his motorcycle, and gives the engine a good
revving.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE (cont'd)
      (indifferently)
I only ride solo.
                                                            
Tabatha runs by crying. Sledge & Bonnie stare, confused.
Sledge drives away.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. FRIENDLY ADVICE - DAY
                                                            
THE FLASHBACK
                                                            
Jake enters into his old pal, Handy Randy's Workshop. Randy
is startled and abruptly begins hammering a nearby wall.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Hey,
      (speaks louder)
Randy, you got a minute?
                                                            
Randy stops, turns quickly, & sees Jake.
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (Happily)
Jake!
                                                            
Randy sets down the hammer.
                                                            
                       JAKE
If this is a bad time, I can come
back-
                                                            

4.

                       RANDY
      (Eagerly)
Oh, no! Not at all! I was just
working on one of my kooky
gadgets, like I am one to do!
                                                            
Jake walks over across the room.
                                                            
                       RANDY (cont'd)
Hey, what's on your mind, Champ?
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (Takes a deep
       breath.)
You know Tabatha, right?
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (concerned)
Of course. Did something happen?
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (staring off as if
       in shock)
It all started when me and Tabatha
went out to do some sight seeing
on her late parent's private
nature reserve, everything started
out so nice...
      (lowers voice)
But then we got to the howler
monkeys.
                                                            
                                         FADES OUT TO SHOW
JAKE & TABATHA AT
THE RESERVE.
                                                            
EXT. THE FLASHBACK - DAWN
                                                            
                       JAKE
Look at those howler monkeys, Tab.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
So majestic, I'm so glad my
parents decided to build this
nature reserve on our lucrative
diamond mine.
      (looking off
       suddenly)
But it's too bad they both
recently died in separate freak
accidents.
                                                            
There is a brief moment when no one says anything.
                                                            

5.

                       JAKE
      (concerned)
Tab?
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (quickly composing
       herself)
This is just great Jake. I love
you.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (turns to Tabatha)
I love you too, Tabatha.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Kiss me, Jake.
                                                            
We see Jake straight on as he closes his eyes and begins to
lean in for the kiss.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (suddenly)
Hey! Woah!
                                                            
Tabatha is shown falling out of the tree into the pack of
howler monkeys.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (screaming)

BLEAAAAAHHHHHOOOOAOAOEEEEEGRAARGAGALL!!
                                                            
We see an upward angle of Jake crouching in the tree
horrified. The shrieking of Tabatha's cries for help are
masked only by the sounds of the ripping of limbs and the
howls of a dozen furious howler monkeys.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (raising clenched
       fists)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
                                                            
                                         FADE BACK TO JAKE IN
THE WORKSHOP.
                                                            
                       JAKE (cont'd)
      (extremely upset,
       speaking quickly)
I have no idea what happened, but
Tabatha says I pushed her. I would
never do anything like that... Now
she hates me & she's missing both
            (MORE)

6.

                       JAKE (cont'd)
her arms.
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (shakes his head
       sadly)
Jake,
      (sighs, thinking
       for a moment)
you know, things like this happen.
Howler monkeys attack young girls.
You... you get your arms ripped
off. You gotta pick yourself up-
you gotta... get someone else to
pick you up, & you keep on keeping
on.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (smiles slightly)
You know,
      (slight pause)
you're right. I'm gonna go talk to
her. Thanks Handy Randy.
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (with a sense of
       accomplishment)
No problem, kid. No problem.
                                                            
Randy goes back to hammering.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. THE PARK - DAY
                                                            
Jake & Ralph are shown walking in the park when they meet
Trixie & Bonnie.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Hi boys!
                                                            
                       JAKE
Oh, hey! What's up?
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Uh. Not much.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
So, I'm totally having a party
this weekend. You two def need to
come.
                                                            

7.

                       JAKE
Sounds cool.
                                                            
                       RALPH
      (mumbling)
Uh, refrigerators are uh cool...
def. Def cool...
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (ignoring Ralph)
Yeah.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (pauses)
So, have either of you seen Sledge
lately?
                                                            
                       JAKE
No, that guy's a total loner.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
That guy is weird. But I guess he
could come too.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Well, we'll see you there. Bye!
                                                            
                       RALPH
      (mumbling)
I'll uh, bring the napkins.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
EXT. THE FIGHT - DAY
                                                            
Bonnie is on the phone walking over to Trixie's house to set
up for the big party. She turns the corner & sees Sledge
outside her house sitting on his bike talking to Trixie.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
      (to Sledge)
I can't wait for tonight.
                                                            
Trixie gives Sledge a kiss with Bonnie visible in the
background.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (indifferently)
Whatever.
                                                            
Sledge rides away.
                                                            

8.

                       BONNIE
      (angrily)
Trixie!
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
      (surprised &
       embarassed)
Oh, hey Bonnie. When did you get
here?
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (with intensity)
Just in time to see you slobbing
on my man. What were you doing
with Sledge?
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
      (defensively)
We were just talking about the
party. Chill-ax.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Well, what was that kiss? You know
I like him!
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Bonnie, you had your chance with
Sledge, & you messed it up.
                                                            
We see a close up of Bonnie.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Well, how about I mess up,
      (pauses)
your face.
                                                            
Bonnie lunges at Trixie & starts off a huge girl fight until
Tabatha runs in to break it up.
                                                            
ENT. TABATHA. Running to help, she positions herself in
between her feuding friends.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (pleading)
Break it up! Please!
                                                            
                       TABATHA (cont'd)
Look, were all friends here.
                                                            
The fight stops.
                                                            

9.

                       TRIXIE
      (taking a deep
       breath)
Tabatha's right, if you really
like Sledge I'll leave him alone.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (taking a deep
       breath)
Thank you. And I'm sorry too, lets
put this behind us & set up for
the party.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
You know Tabatha, jumping in like
to stop us, that was courageous, I
really got to hand it to-
                                                            
Trixie abruptly stops. There is an awkward silence. Tabatha
runs away crying.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
EXT. THE CONFESSIONS - EVENING
                                                            
We see a brief party montage. Bonnie, Trixie, & Tabatha are
talking to one another.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
I'm glad we're back to normal
Trix.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Me too, tonight is gonna be so-o
awesome.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Uh oh, Tabatha, there's Jake, are
you gonna go talk to him?
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (nervously)
I can't- I just can't!
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
That's okay girl. You don't have
to do anything. How about we just
go inside, I could use a hand with
the guacamole...
                                                            
Tabatha runs away crying. Jake quickly walks up to Bonnie &
Trixie.
                                                            

10.

                       BONNIE
Wow, we really need to work on
that.
                                                            
Jake quickly comes over to the girls.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (concerned)
What's wrong with Tabatha?
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (puts her hands on
       her hips.)
Like you have to ask. If you
hadn't pushed her into that pit,
none of this would have ever
happened.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (urgently)
I didn't push her! I swear!
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Well she said she was pushed, &
you were the only one there.
                                                            
ENT. SNAKE, Jake's evil twin brother walking into the
background.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
Or, was he?
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (surprised)
Snake! When did you get out of
Juevy?
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Uh, who the frick are you?
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
I'm Jake's evil twin brother,
Snake!
                                                            
                       JAKE
I should have known you were
behind this!
      (beat)
How'd you do it, Snake?
                                                            

11.

                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
It was oh so easy, brother.
                                                            
The view transitions back into the scene earlier described
by Jake.
                                                            
THE FLASHBACK REVISITED.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
This is just great Jake. I love
you.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (turns to Tabatha)
I love you too, Tabatha.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Kiss me, Jake.
                                                            
We see a wide angle of both Jake and Tabatha leaning in for
the kiss. In the background Snake comes into focus and
shoves Tabatha right before Jake kisses her.
                                                            
                                         FADE BACK TO THE
PARTY.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (angerly)
You'll never get away with it,
Snake! We know the truth.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
But the best part is, no one will
ever believe you!
      (laughs
       hysterically.)
                                                            
Snake then sprints away, but before he can get over the
fence, Handy Randy appears and lasso's him to the ground.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Way to go Randy!
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (standing over
       Snake.)
Handy Randy is always willing to
lend a helping hand.
                                                            

12.

                       BONNIE
Hey! That reminds me, where's
Tabatha?
                                                            
                       JAKE
Yeah, I have to tell her this!
                                                            
                       RALPH
      (mumbling)
Oh, uh...She uh, said she was
going for uh, a swim.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (alarmed)
But- Tabatha can't swim!
                                                            
Everyone runs to the pool. Where Tabatha is shown face down
in the water.
                                                            
Randy quickly picks her up & holds her in his arms.
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (whispering)
She's... she's dead.
                                                            
Trixie spits out the water she was drinking.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (screams)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Guys, this may not be the best
time, but I just found out; that
I'm pregnant.
                                                            
Sledge spits out the water he was drinking.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (after taking a
       few breathes)
Well, since we're all coming clean
here; I take ballet lessons, two
times a week.
                                                            
Jake spits out the water he was drinking.
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (loudly)
I am a convicted sex offender.
                                                            
Everyone spits out the water they were drinking.
                                                            

13.

                       RALPH
      (seriously)
I also have something to say.
      (pauses)
I uh, forgot the napkins.
                                                            
                                         ROLL CREDITS
                                                            
 
EXT. HARD KNOB LIFE - EP. 2 - MINE CONTROL - DAY
                                                            
                                         FADE IN
                                                            
Different areas of Floyds Knobs, IN are shown.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR
This is the Knobs. Don't be
fooled, it may seem like a nice
quiet place, but lurking within
this peaceful suburbia lies a
plague of secrets & betrayal.
Welcome to a story of deception,
lies, & betrayal. Because these
seven teens have one Hard Knob
Life.
                                                            
                                         TRANSISTION INTO
THEME SONG
                                                            
♫ It's a Hard Knob Life, for us
It's a Hard Knob Life, for us
This place has got some charm & stuff,
Tabatha got her arms ripped off,
'cause it's a Hard Knob life ♫
                                                            
 
EXT. THE AFTERPARTY - EVENING
                                                            
We rejoin the group right were we left them. They stand
around stunned, staring at one another in silence. Then
suddenly, Tabatha gasps for air to the now shocked and
joyous group. Handy Randy fades into the background as they
gather around her.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (gasping)
Who's there?
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Oh my gosh. oh my gosh!
                                                            
                       JAKE
Tabatha! You're alive!
                                                            

14.

                       TABATHA
      (scared & confused)
What happened?
                                                            
The group looks at one another, shocked by their
recollection.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
You tried to go swimming, Tab!
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (recovering)
Oh my gosh!
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (excitedly)
Handy Randy saved you!
                                                            
They all go silent, no one makes eye contact.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (looking around
       with excitement)
Handy Randy, where are you?
                                                            
The group looks around to realize Randy was nowhere to be
found. Tabatha's confusion grows.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (slightly less
       indifferently)
Tabatha, Randy admitted to
something, shortly before you
regained consciousness, & shortly
after capturing Snake, Jake's evil
twin brother.
                                                            
Snake grumbles in dissent.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (nervously)
Maybe it's not as bad as it seems!
                                                            
                       TABATHA
What was it?
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Tabatha, baby, just try and relax
right now.
                                                            
Snake is shown wiggling in his lasso.
                                                            

15.

                       JAKE
      (triumphantly)
You're not going anywhere.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
I should have eaten you in the
womb when I had the chance!
                                                            
                       TABATHA
I can't remember anything!
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (to Sledge)
Should we call the police?
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (slightly less
       indifferently)
I don't like the cops.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
I'm calling an ambulance, that's
the only important thing right
now.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (frantically)
What happened to my arms?!
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. HANDY RANDY NOT SO DANDY - MORNING
                                                            
Randy is shown pulling up in front of a house and getting
out of his truck, he looks weary and tense. Pulling out his
phone he takes a deep breath and dials a number.
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (in an official
       tone)
This is the Mallard to Base. Base,
are you there?
                                                            
A voice is heard responding as a mumble through the phone.
                                                            
                       RANDY
Sir, I am disappointed to say the
mission has yet to be completed.
                                                            
The mumbling intensifies.
                                                            

16.

                       RANDY
Last night things did not go as
planned, the package was not
delivered by my carrier. I
attempted to complete the task by
secondary means, but ultimately
failed to eliminate the target.
Looking back, perhaps the original
plan should have been executed in
a way that made more logical
sense.
                                                            
A long segment of mumbling is heard.
                                                            
                       RANDY
Don't worry sir, as long as I'm
alive you can count on me.
                                                            
A close up of Randy's face is shown, slowly squinting into
the dawn. He then sneezes.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
EXT. FORMER LOVERS, LATTER DAYS - DAY
                                                            
Jake and Tabatha are shown in a park standing at a slight
distance, Tabatha nervously biting her lip. Jake looking
like he's not sure how to feel.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Thanks for meeting me, Tab.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
It's so good to see you, Jake.
Come & kiss me?
                                                            
Tabatha takes a step toward Jake, but she stops when he
looks down at his feet with a disheveled frown.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Tabatha. I'm not sure how to feel.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (eyes wide)
What's wrong, baby?
                                                            
                       JAKE
You thought I was a liar.
      (clutching his
       chest)
You thought I could have tried to
hurt you.
                                                            

17.

                       TABATHA
      (weeping)
I'm-so-sorry!
                                                            
                       JAKE
You doubted me, but I would walk
the Earth for you. I would swim
across...
      (He trails off)
                                                            
Tabatha runs away crying. Jake is shown rubbing his palm
against his forehead.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
EXT. MAN CHAT - MOMENTS LATER
                                                            
The shot continues, Jake is shown standing around, still in
the park. Then Sledge pulls up on his motorcycle.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Sledge, I haven't seen you since
the, the party.
      (beat)
Tabs gonna be just fine.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (indifferently)
Cool.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (in a slight
       whisper)
Hey, has anyone heard from Handy
Randy?
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (indifferently)
Not me.
                                                            
                       JAKE
I talked to Bonnie earlier, she
was really weird.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (indifferently)
Something's up.
                                                            
Sledge drives away on his motorcycle.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 

18.

INT. RALPH & A SNEEZING MOUTH - DAY
                                                            
We rejoin Handy Randy standing in front of a house, his
truck behind him on the road. He briefly composes himself &
knocks on the door.
                                                            
                       RALPH
      (mumbling)
Oh, uh look who it is.
                                                            
                       RANDY
Ralph, my boy.
      (a slight awkward
       pause)
Could I come in?
                                                            
                       RALPH
Yeah, uh yes.
                                                            
They enter the home & sit down at the kitchen table.
                                                            
                       RANDY
I knew I could count on you,
Ralph. And if you'd just let me
explain what I might have said the
other night..
                                                            
Ralph looks up at Randy.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Coach, I even wasn't, I uh, wasn't
even paying attention.
                                                            
Randy begins a wide grin but then abruptly sneezes.
                                                            
                       RALPH
      (mumbling)
Hey, here's a, uh napkin.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. TRIX' ARE FOR KIDS - DAY
                                                            
Tabatha is sitting in her home with a friend we have yet to
meet. They are laughing & enjoying each others' company.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
      (emphatically)
O.M.G. I can not believe you
almost drowned.
                                                            

19.

                       TABATHA
It was so weird.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
It's so weird. So Jake was telling
the truth the entire time?
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (slightly
       exasperated)
I can't believe I didn't trust
him.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
O.M.G. This is so juicy. So.
      (dramatic pause)
How are you gonna get him back?
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Oh, I just don't know, Bea!
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
Listen here, woman. I've got three
words for you; Jeal-ous-y.
                                                            
ENTER TRIXIE & BONNIE
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Oh, hi guys!
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Tabatha we've been looking
everywhere for you- Oh, hello, who
is this?
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Guys, I want you meet my old
friend, Beatrix. We've just
reconnected after all these years!
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
O.M.G. It is so good to finally
meet you guys.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (with slight
       urgnecy)
Tab, could I talk to you,
privately?
                                                            
Tabatha & Bonnie walk over to a nearby room, leaving Trixie
and Beatrix together. There is a hint of tension wafting in
the air.
                                                            

20.

                       BEATRIX
      (after a slight
       awkward silence)
So, Tabatha tells me Bonnie has a
little bun in the oven.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
      (crossing her ams)
Huh, more like Blabatha.
                                                            
The girls share a quick but spirited laugh.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
It seems like things have been
pretty stressful lately.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Uh. Yeah.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
Tabatha really seems like she's in
a rut.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
      (sighs)
Yeah. What do you think we should
do?
                                                            
Beatrix flashes a devilish grin, along with some subtle
eyebrow movements.
                                                            
                                         CUT TO OTHER ROOM
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (slightly
       exasperated)
I don't know what to do, Tab.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Bonnie, you've got to tell them.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
I just need some more time, it's
gotta be at the right time, you
know?
                                                            
ENTER TRIXE & BEATRIX
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
Ladies, my tension senses have
been tensing up over here, but me
& Trix happen to have the
solution.
                                                            

21.

                       TRIXIE
What do you say, we throw a party?
                                                            
Tabatha & Bonnie look at each other in consideration.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Well, the last party didn't go
exactly as planned.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (with shrugging)
I guess we could use a re-do. Blow
off a little steam.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
That's my girl! Now all we need is
a plan, a tan, & then we can get
back your man!
                                                            
The girls make various gleeful sounds.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. TWO BROTHERS - AFTERNOON
                                                            
We are in Jake & Snake's home. Snake opens the fridge,
shakes up a few soda cans before placing them back on the
shelf & shutting the door, revealing Jake standing with arms
crossed.
                                                            
                       JAKE
You're pure evil, Snake.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (putting a
       toothpick in his
       mouth, evilly)
Still mad about your little
girlfriend, brother? I kind of
like her new look.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Just tell me why you did it.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
'Cause I'm evil.
      (flicks toothpick
       away)
So, you going to that party
tomorrow, bro?
                                                            

22.

                       JAKE
      (slightly
       disgusted)
Who invited you?
                                                            
ENTER JAKE SR wearing his full military uniform, per usual.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
      (with a commanding
       tone)
Hello, sons.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
You called our father?
                                                            
                       JAKE
Shut up.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
That's enough. I've heard about
your exploits, Snake. Know your
punishment will be grave.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
Yeah, nice to see you too, Pop.
Surprised you were able to take
off work.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
Young man, that's quite enough. I
will not apologize for serving my
country.
      (Shouting)
WEINER EATING, BACK-FAT MOUNTAIN!
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
Still getting the Tourettes under
control, huh Pop?
                                                            
Jake Sr. loudly coughs & straightens out his uniform a bit.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
Boys, the matter at hand is very
serious, & I intend to deal with
it.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Yes, sir.
                                                            

23.

                       JAKE SR.
Speaking of which, I am sorry to
hear about your old pal, Handy
Randy.
                                                            
                       JAKE
I'm worried, sir. No one has seen
him in days.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
Son, you haven't heard?
      (dramatic pause)
Handy Randy is dead.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (shouting)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
Hey don't look at me.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
It seems he came into contact with
a strain of anthrax, my men are
currently investigating.
                                                            
                       JAKE

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
EXT. FOUNDING FATHER - MOMENTS LATER
                                                            
Jake Sr. leaves the room & steps outside, once out of view
he pulls out his phone & dials a number.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
This is the Wombat to Base, do you
copy?
                                                            
A voice is heard as a mumble through the phone.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
Our initial agent's status is
deceased. Secondary agent is
currently deactivated until we
assess our strategies.
                                                            
A long segment of mumbling is heard.
                                                            

24.

                       JAKE SR.
Understood, we will move forward
as soon as possible. Rest assured,
I have no doubt we will soon seize
control of the diamond mine.
                                                            
A close up shot of Jake Sr. is shown, he hangs up & squints
into the dusk.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
      (shouting)
TOILET PERSON!
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
EXT. THE PARTY - EVENING
                                                            
We see a brief party montage. Bonnie, Beatrix, Trixie, &
Tabatha are talking to one another.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
I'm glad we're getting back to
normal, you guys.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Me too, tonight is gonna be so-o
awesome. Beatrix, thank you so
much for putting this all
together.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
Don't even mention it, my fellow
female. If I didn't throw an
off-the-wall par-tay soon I was
going to literally die.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Uh oh, you guys, there's Jake,
should I go talk to him?
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
No way, T. Do you need a reminder
what we just talked about? How
about you just come give me...
some help, in the kitchen.
                                                            
Tabatha agrees, & the three able-bodied girls shared a
thumbs up in relief.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
But first, give him an icy glance.
                                                            

25.

                       BONNIE
      (with excitment)
That's so cold.
                                                            
Tabatha takes a step in Jake's direction.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (with kindness)
Oh, hi Tabatha. How are you?
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (icy)
Oh. Hey.
                                                            
Tabatha struts back to the girls.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
      (excitedly)
That was so cold.
                                                            
ENTER SNAKE, Jake's evil twin brother. Beatrix gives Tabatha
a nudge, along with some sly winking.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (flirtatiously)
Hi there, Snake. You sure look
nice today.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
You might say I'm, evilishly
handsome.
                                                            
Tabatha laughs, rubbing Snake's upper arm with her stump.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (in disbelief)
Tabatha, what are you doing? Do
you not remember what he did to
you?
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (upset)
No, I don't Jake. I suffered
amnesia!
                                                            
Tabatha runs away crying.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
Wow, Jake.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Wow.
                                                            

26.

                       BONNIE
Wow.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
Snake, why don't you go talk to
her.
                                                            
Snake follows the sound of Tabatha's sobs.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (unhappy)
This is just great. My girl won't
talk to me, my evil twin is
consoling her, & my good friend
Handy Randy is dead.
                                                            
ENTER HANDY RANDY.
                                                            
                       RANDY
Or, am I?
                                                            
The group shares a collective gasp.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Handy Randy! What are you doing
here? I thought you were dead!
                                                            
                       RANDY
Just like I planned, my young
friend. I needed to get your
father off my trail.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (confused)
My father?
                                                            
                       RANDY
Allow me to explain; The US
government hired me to infiltrate
your group in order to accomplish
a single task, to kill Tabatha.
                                                            
The group shares another collective gasp.
                                                            
                       RANDY
For years the CIA has been
investing in new mind control
technology. When at first I was
reluctant to accept the mission, I
was fitted with a special
diamond-based mind control chip.
                                                            
The group shares another collective gasp.
                                                            

27.

                       RANDY
You see, they needed control of
Tabatha's diamond mine, they're
the purest diamonds in the land.
The current technology works, but
there's one thing that can cause
major interference & disrupt the
whole system,
      (dramtic pause)
True love.
      (another dramatic
       pause)
Bonnie, I love you.
                                                            
The group shares another collective gasp.
                                                            
                       RANDY
I knew it as soon as I heard you
were pregnant. I wanna be with you
& that baby for the rest of our
lives.
                                                            
The group shares a collective, 'Aw.'
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Randy, there isn't a baby.
                                                            
The group shares collective gasp.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
There's two babies.
                                                            
The group shares another collective gasp.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (slightly less
       indifferent)
Bonnie, this whole time I was
under the impression that I was
father.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
      (aside)
You go, girl.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (after a long
       pause)
Randy, Sledge.
      (dramatic pause)
You're both the father.
                                                            
The group shares another collective gasp.
                                                            

28.

Tension hangs in the air, Jake begins to sweat, Trixie bites
her nails, Beatrix strikes a dramatic pose. Randy, Sledge &
Bonnie all stare at each other before simultaneously
embracing in a warm, deep group hug.
                                                            
The group shares another collective, 'Aw.'
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (urgently)
Everyone listen, now that I'm out
of the picture, the government has
almost certainly activated a back
up operative to complete the
mission. Tabatha is still in
danger.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (slightly less
       indifferently)
Hey, where is Tabatha?
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
She's inside with Jake's evil twin
brother, Snake.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (stunned)
Oh my God.
                                                            
The group sprints inside before all slamming to a halt in
the kitchen, stunned by what they see.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
Tabatha, just a moment ago I had
the uncontrollable urge to kill
you, but now I know, deep down
inside, I love you with everything
I've got.
      (dramatic pause)
Will you marry me?
                                                            
The group shares another collective gasp. Tabatha looks at
Beatrix, smiles & gives her a wink.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Yes, I love you, Snake. Much more
than your brother, Jake.
                                                            
The two embrace while the group stands shocked. ENTER RALPH
in a tizzy of excitement.
                                                            

29.

                       RALPH
      (in a tizzy of
       excited
       enunciation)
Everyone, I figured it out, I
figured it all out! Handy Randy
faked his death, the napkins were
covered in anthrax, he was a
secret government agent- he must
of had an antidote. He was sent
here to kill Tabatha! The
government wants control of her
diamond mind. They're the purest
diamonds in the... uh...
                                                            
Jake puts a finger to Ralph's mouth. Ralph looks around the
group.
                                                            
                       RALPH
      (mumbling)
Oh, there, uh hey, uh. Hey, hey
there, Randy.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (with sadness)
We know, Ralph... We know. You're
too late... I'm too late,
      (dramatic pause)
too late for love.
                                                            
Jake walks off into the night. Tabatha begins to call out to
Jake, before being embraced in a passionate, but evil kiss.
                                                            
                                         ROLL CREDITS
                                                            
 
EXT. EP. 3- COLD OPEN - EVENING
                                                            
Jake is floating in front of a swirl of lights and color.
Trouble and regret warp his expression, but then fade into
cool serenity as Tabatha appears before him.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (calm and warm)
Jake, what's wrong dear?
                                                            
Tabatha's voice echoes as if in a deep canyon.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (uncertain)
Nothing. Nothing at all, Tabatha.
(beat) I'm wonderful.
                                                            

30.

                       TABATHA
Look Jake, I have arms again. I'm
so happy.
                                                            
                       JAKE
I love your arms, Tabatha.
                                                            
The two lovers are shown in profile. They reach out to one
another, but Tabatha is pulled away and begins to fade from
sight.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (calm and warm)
I'm sorry Jake, I have to go now.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (confused)
No. Tabatha, you can stay, really.
      (beat)
Please. Just stay for another
moment.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
But it's too late, Jake. You
already jumped.
                                                            
Jake's expression droops into shock. Suspended in the air
for a single moment, he closes his eyes as a noose appears
around his neck. Jake's floating body is shown from far away
and the swirling back drop is replaced by rocky canyon and
cliff, high in the Knobs. He rapidly descends downward. The
long rope chases his body until taut. His body bounces and
swings from the force, gradually becoming still.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
EXT. HARD KNOB LIFE EP. 3 - HARD KNOB DEATH - DAY
                                                            
                                         FADE IN
                                                            
Different areas of Floyds Knobs, IN are shown.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR
This is the Knobs. Don't be
fooled, it may seem like a nice
quiet place, but lurking within
this peaceful suburbia lies a
plague of secrets & betrayal.
Welcome to a story of deception,
lies, & betrayal. Because these
eight teens have one Hard Knob
Life.
                                                            

31.

                                         TRANSITION INTO
THEME SONG
                                                            
♫ It's a Hard Knob Life, for us
It's a Hard Knob Life, for us
We've known sadness, fear, and dread.
Now our good friend, Jake, is dead.
'cause it's a Hard Knob life ♫
                                                            
 
EXT. ANGER - DAY
                                                            
Jake and Sledge trudge through dense forest and sharp rock
in the sweltering heat. Each step is labored in the murky
swamp that reaches up and clings to their shins.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (angrily)
Do you even know where we are
anymore?
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (calm and cool)
We're doing just fine, my friend.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Oh, are we? Are we, really? You
know, I don't even know how long
you've been saying that for, but-
                                                            
Sledge interrupts.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (calm and cool)
Jake, what do you think of
Beatrix?
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (angrily)
Beatrix? I don't know, Sledge. I'm
kind of trying to stay focused
here! We're lost!
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
Jake, no worries, bud. We're here.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Finally. I'm sick of this place.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
You know, Jake. You might not
think it, but sometimes I get so
mad that I can't think straight.
                                                            

32.

                       JAKE
      (annoyed)
Oh yeah?
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
Yeah. And when I'm like that,
there's only one thing I can do to
calm down.
                                                            
Sledge steps onto a beautifully ornate and lacquered stage
nestled in the forest brush. He laces up toe pointe shoes
and begins to dance. The choreography becomes more intricate
as hoards of howler monkeys enter from upstage in perfect
synchronicity. As the curtains close, the crowd gives a
standing ovation.
                                                            
ENTER TABATHA.
                                                            
Tabatha turns to Jake in the audience, enthusiastically
stomping her feet.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
They looked so majestic up there.
                                                            
                       JAKE
I love you, Tabatha.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Hey, what times is it?
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (thinking)
Well, um... I'm not sure.
                                                            
ENTER BONNIE AND TRIXIE.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (suddenly)
Oh, we're late Jake!
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Jake, the hot dog eating contest
is about to begin!
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
EXT. THE HOT DOG EATING CONTEST - DAY
                                                            
The sun beats down on the asphalt. The crowd is an amorphous
blob that gently gurgles to and fro. Beatrix, Trixie,
Tabatha, and Jake make their way to the stage entrance,
where a pyramid of hotdogs takes up much of the space.
                                                            

33.

                       BEATRIX
      (energized)
This is it, Jake.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
      (excited)
You can do it, Jake.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (concerned)
You've got to do this, Jake.
                                                            
ENTER JAKE SR.
                                                            
Jake Sr. gives a stern look to Jake, who is seated and
still, his hands clasping the arms of his chair as it begins
to smoothly recline until he lies back. Jake Sr. pulls out a
pistol and fires it into the air.
Trixie and Beatrix immediately start shoving hot dogs down
Jake's throat as he lies motionless. Tabatha cheers on and
pumps the crowd into a frenzy as the hot dogs are delivered
with increasing intensity.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (gurgled)
blarb-
                                                            
                       TABATHA
You've got this, Jake!
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
You have to keep going, Jake.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Yeah, Jake, you have to keep
going!
                                                            
Jake's hot dog consumption rapidly slows. A final chunk of
partially chewed dog barely hangs on to a corner of Jake's
lips, suddenly crashing to the ground with a echoing thud.
The crowd begins to swirl and boo with menace.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (pleading)
No! Please! He ate enough hot
dogs, I swear!
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
      (nervously)
We can keep going, it's okay-
We'll just keep going and it will
be fine!
                                                            

34.

                       BEATRIX
      (impatiently)
Eat another hot dog, Jake.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (desperatley)
I... I can't. I can't eat another
hot dog.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (tearfully)
He ate enough! He ate enough hot
dogs! He ate enough hot dogs!
                                                            
ENTER SNAKE.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
Oh, what you would give to just
slop down one more dog, huh
brother?
                                                            
Jake moans in distress and the crowd erupts in boos as
Tabatha sprints around stage.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
Whimper all you wish, Jake, but
that shall bring you no respite.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
      (angrily)
You little brat.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
You're the worst, Jake.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
The worst there ever was.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (trembling)
He ate enough hot dogs!
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
      (angrily)
Oh give it a rest, Tabatha!
                                                            
ENTER BONNIE.
                                                            

35.

                       BONNIE
      (calmy)
Yes, a rest. That's what Jake
needs right now. A rest. That is
what is important right now.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. DEPRESSION - MORNING
                                                            
Jake is just waking up in the hospital. He is groggy, but
manages to sit up and look around the room.
                                                            
                       RANDY
Hey kid. It's me, your old pal,
Dr. Handy Randy.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (tired)
Oh... hi Dr. Randy.
                                                            
                       RANDY
Well, it looks like you ate too
many hot dogs, Jake. I think you
better lie back down.
                                                            
                       JAKE
It doesn't matter, doctor.
                                                            
                       RANDY
Just lie down, Jake.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (under his breath)
Okay. Fine.
                                                            
Jake lies down on a large sinking mattress. It seems to
expand infinitely beyond his body.
                                                            
ENTER BONNIE.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Doctor, thank you so much for
delivering my baby.
                                                            
                       RANDY
What a beautiful little boy.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
I'm going to name him Slandy
Sledgy.
                                                            

36.

                       RANDY
That's a beautiful name, don't you
think, Jake?
                                                            
                       JAKE
I just need to sleep.
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (looking at his
       chart)
You know, you're a real little
brat, Jake. A real turd. You're
what the medical community refers
to a "rotten meat boy."
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (mumbling)
I just want to be alone.
                                                            
                       RANDY
So you don't want to see your
visitors?
                                                            
Jake's head lifts up.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Tabatha?
                                                            
ENTER SNAKE AND JAKE SR.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
Not quite, Jake. She's busy
getting ready.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Ready for what?
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
For our date.
                                                            
Snake laughs demonically in a sub bass frequency that
rattles the entire room.
                                                            
ENTER JAKE SR.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
Son, you walked right into that
one. It's called defense, you ever
heard of it? You never were much
of an athlete.
                                                            

37.

                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
I always knew you would wind up
here, Jake. You blew it.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
You blew it, Jake. You always were
a disappoint.
                                                            
Jake sinks deeper into the mattress and lets out a pitiful
moan as Snake and Jake Sr. laugh hysterically.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
After all this. You let your
little girlfriend get away, all
your friends left you. And now,
what? You can't even look at me.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly)
Say something, Jake. Just say
something.
                                                            
                       JAKE
I... I just want to go away.
                                                            
ENTER TABATHA
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (warmly)
Where do you think you'll go?
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
EXT. ACCEPTANCE - AFTERNOON
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (confused)
What? When?
                                                            
                       TABATHA
After you die. Where do you think
you go?
                                                            
                       JAKE
I guess I've never really thought
about it.
                                                            
ENTER BONNIE, TRIXIE, BEATRIX, SLEDGE, RALPH, RANDY, SNAKE,
AND JAKE SR.
                                                            

38.

                       BONNIE
      (turning to
       Tabatha)
Funerals always make me think
about death. About life, about
everything.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
A whole life. You live your entire
life and then what? It's over in
an instant. And that's it.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
It can't just be it, though. There
has to be more, doesn't there?
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
No, there doesn't.
                                                            
                       RANDY
Then what?
                                                            
                       SNAKE
Then that's it.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
I'm not saying I know all the
answers, but that's it, isn't it?
Doesn't it feel that way?
                                                            
                       TABATHA
I guess nobody knows for sure.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Or will ever know...
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
We're all just moving forward, or
least it seems that way, floating
through space, never truly sure if
anything is real.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
We are born into this world. We
live our lives and tow more life,
or more death in our wake.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
And that's it?
                                                            
                       RANDY
I guess so. It's how we've always
done it.
                                                            

39.

                       TABATHA
No, but that doesn't mean there's
not more.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
We drag these mortal bodies
through the muck and swamp.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
Only to be annihilated in an
instant.
                                                            
                       JAKE
And then... that's it.
                                                            
                       RALPH
      (calmy)
Wait, I figured it out. I think I
figured it all out.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Yeah, Ralph?
                                                            
                       RALPH
Jake, we're dreaming. This is all
a dream.
                                                            
                                         ROLL CREDITS
                                                            
 
INT. EP. 4 - COLD OPEN - DAY
                                                            
Jake lies awake in a hospital bad. He is talking to Tabatha,
Snake, and Jake Sr. His doctor enters the room and addresses
them.
                                                            
                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
As you all know, Jake suffered a
very serious pulmonary edema from
his near hanging incident, and has
only just now awoken from his
coma, after nine months asleep.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Thank you doctor. Yes, that is all
true.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (evilly?)
Honey, let's just listen to Dr.
Goo-Flaps, okay?
                                                            

40.

                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
Thank you, Snake.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Dr. Goo-Flaps, what is the
prognosis?
                                                            
                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
Jake,
      (beat)
your legs-
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (concerned)
His legs?
                                                            
                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
They need to be amputated.
                                                            
                       JAKE
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
      (screaming)
KRUMP!
      (louder)
MEAT BOYS!!
                                                            
                       TABATHA
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
      (composing himself)
Now, now.
      (coughing)
Let's all just compose ourselves.
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (concerned)
Dr. Goo-Flaps, are you sure?
                                                            
                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
      (snarkily)
Young lady, did you attend Harlem
Medical School?
      (pauses)
We'll move into surgery later this
afternoon.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
Dr. Goo-Flaps is one of the area's
finest physicians. Son, we'll give
you some space.
                                                            

41.

Everyone follows Dr. Goo-Flaps out of the room. Once out,
Jake Sr. makes his way to the stairwell and pulls out a
phone.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
This is the Echidna to base. Come
in, base.
                                                            
A mumble is heard through the speaker.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
The wheels are greased and the
horse is mounted.
                                                            
Jake Sr. puts the phone away.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
May God have mercy on our souls.
                                                            
Jake Sr. briefly looks up the long stairwell.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
      (screaming)
BUTT HOLE!
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. HARD KNOB LIFE EP. 004 - INDEPENDENCE GOO - DAY
                                                            
                                         FADE IN
                                                            
Different areas of Floyds Knobs, IN are shown.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR
This is the Knobs. Don't be
fooled, it may seem like a nice
quiet place, but lurking within
this peaceful suburbia lies a
plague of secrets & betrayal.
Welcome to a story of deception,
lies, & betrayal. Because these
six teens have one Hard Knob Life.
                                                            
                                         TRANSISTION INTO
THEME SONG
                                                            
♫ It's a Hard Knob Life, for us
It's a Hard Knob Life, for us
Jake was dreaming, the whole darn time
In a coma while he tried to die
'cause it's a Hard Knob Life
                                                            
 

42.

INT. THE HOSPITAL SCENE - DAY
                                                            
Jake Sr. and Dr. Goo-Flaps stand in Jake's hospital room
while Jake sleeps.
                                                            
                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
The surgery went according to
plan.
                                                            
Jake Sr. nods.
                                                            
                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
      (hesistantly)
Sir, if I may...
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
Of course, Dr. Goo-Flaps.
                                                            
                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
I've noticed you experience
terrible fits of Tourette's
Syndrome.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
      (visibly
       uncomfortable)
Well, I, I don't think it's such-
I don't- it's barley anything
Doctor.
                                                            
                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
Well, I don't think it's very
becoming of a Corporal.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
      (agitated)
Oh, is it not, Doctor? Is it- is
it, well how might even you-
                                                            
Jake Sr. becomes increasingly irritated and desperately
tries to hold back the incoming fit.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
      (screaming with
       clenched teeth)
SMMMMMURRRRRF.
                                                            
                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
      (coyly)
Barely anything?
                                                            

43.

                       JAKE SR.
      (sighs)
It has gotten much worse ever
since Jake's mother died in that
horrific barnyard incident.
      (looking off)
That evening started so nice,
      (beat)
until we got to the Hogs.
                                                            
                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
      (interrupting)
Sir, I only bring it up, because
we currently have an opening for
an invasive brain surgery. You'll
be completely cured. But we have
to move fast.
                                                            
Jake Sr. takes a deep breath and nods once more.
                                                            
 
INT. JAKE COMES HOME - DAY
                                                            
Jake is wheeled inside by Handy Randy.
                                                            
                       RANDY
Welcome home, Jake.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Thanks Handy Randy.
                                                            
                       RANDY
How are you feeling?
                                                            
                       JAKE
Well, the no legs...
                                                            
Jake trails off before becoming emotional.
                                                            
                       RANDY
Jake, I got you something-now its
not here yet, but I want you to
know that you'll soon be sitting
in a WheelTech 9-V-
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (emotional)
A WheelTech 9-V? That's the
      (in unison)
Sleekest SportChair on the market,
                                                            

44.

                       RANDY
I know. And I want you to know
that I got no doubt- no doubt in
my mind
      (whispering for
       intensity)
that you're gonna win state.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Thanks Coach.
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (getting on one
       knee)
Jake, are you gonna make it to the
baby shower?
                                                            
                       JAKE
I wouldn't miss it for the world,
Handy Randy. I can't wait to meet
Slange and Sledge Rander Jr.
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (long pause)
Jake, I'm going in for a surgery.
                                                            
                       JAKE
Really? With Dr. Goo-Flaps?
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (beat, serious)
No Jake, not with Dr. Goo-Flaps.
But it's serious. Real serious.
      (more anxious)
And I just keep thinking about
what if something goes wrong, what
if I'm not there and it's just
Bonnie and Sledge all alone with
the children?
      (grabbing Jake's
       collar)
Jake, promise me you'll be there.
Promise me you'll tell them of me.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (holding back
       tears)
Listen to me Handy. You're going
to beat this thing, and you're
going to be here and watch your
children grow up and live out
lives of their own, you hear me?
                                                            

45.

                       RANDY
      (sobbing)
I'm gonna beat this thing, Jake.
And you're gonna be the fastest
wheelboy in the world, you hear
me?
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (sobbing)
I hear you!
                                                            
The men embrace.
                                                            
                                         SCENE
                                                            
 
EXT. THE BABY SHOWER - DAY
                                                            
Bonnie and Sledge step into the backyard holding their new
babies.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Everyone say hello to Hedge & Hand
Sland.
                                                            
Everyone greets the children.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Handy should be here soon, he's
just getting back from surgery.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Bonnie, you're glowing!
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
      (starkly, with
       some sass)
Um, no she's not.
                                                            
The rooms goes silent.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
      (nervously)
Uhhhh--
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
      (emphatically)
She's not glowing. This isn't when
you say that.
                                                            
Trixie slowly turns her head toward Beatrix. They stand
toe-to-toe with clenched fists.
                                                            

46.

                       TRIXIE
      (snarkily)
What?
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
Trixie Valentine, I'm coming for
you, you hear me you little snake?
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
      (very snarkily)
What?
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Hey, where is Snake?
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (paternally)
First of all, Dr. Goo-Flaps
suggests that all negative
conversations take place away from
the babies, okay?
                                                            
                       RALPH
Snake uh, has the, his- the heart
surgery with Dr. Goo-Flaps.
                                                            
Enter Snake.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
Or do I?
      (beat)
I did. And now my cold, cold heart
has been exiled. Bequeath my bosom
in its virgin radiance!
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
Yes, thank you Snake.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
Oh my gosh, is that little Hedge?
Bonnie, you're glowing!
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
      (in a thick
       Louisiana drawl)
Oh, my boy Snake he sure do be a
good boy for driving me here after
our surgeries with Dr. Goo-Flaps.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Sir, I'm sorry to hear they had to
remove your eyes.
                                                            

47.

                       JAKE SR.
Nowadays, I'm just an old river
rat reaching the end of my rope. A
fool, mmm? An old, blind fool they
may very well say. But one thing
is clear.
      (beat)
The robot is coming.
                                                            
The entire group turns as thunderous steps approach.
                                                            
 
EXT. ROBOT SHOWDOWN - DAY
                                                            
The robot bellows from far in the distance, as it slowly
makes its way toward the group.
                                                            
                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
I am Dr. Goo-Bot!
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Oh my gosh...
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Wait... there's something about
that robot...
                                                            
                       SNAKE
      (incredulous)
It- it can't be...
                                                            
                       BONNIE
      (shocked)
Are those...
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (dismayed)
Tabatha's arms.
                                                            
                       BEATRIX
      (under her breath)
She had great arms.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
And not just that, Jake.
                                                            
                       RALPH
No... no!
                                                            
                       JAKE
It's... it's...
                                                            

48.

                       SLEDGE
      (stunned)
It's got Jake's legs.
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (frantic)
I'm the 2nd best jumper in the
state!
                                                            
                       TABATHA
      (panicking)
Who will save us now??
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
Now little lady, I may be as blind
as an old swamp croc, but even I
know that we ain't never been as
doomed as we is right now.
                                                            
                       SNAKE
Hang on a second...
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Are those what I think they are?
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
      (gravely)
They've got your eyes, Sir.
                                                            
                       RALPH
He can see us!
                                                            
Everyone begins running around in a panic as the robot
nears.
                                                            
                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
      (robotic)
I am Dr. Goo-Bot and I have a
prescription
      (beat)
for pain.
                                                            
Dr. Goo-Bot leaps into the air and descends at high velocity
into the ground, smashing Ralph into the Earth, crushing his
torso. Jake Sr. aimlessly rams into Dr. Goo-Bot's leg and is
quickly swatted away.
                                                            
                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
Stop running, Jake, or I will
desecrate your soul.
                                                            
Jake wheels up to Dr. Goo-Bot.
                                                            

49.

                       JAKE
Fine, Goo-Bot. Have your way with
me.
                                                            
Jake raises his arms and closes his eyes.
                                                            
                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
I know what you are, Jake. And I
what you'll become. It is what
you've already bec--
                                                            
Dr. Goo-Bot hears something and stops speaking, he looks
over his shoulder and is immediately clobbered by an
opposing robot.
                                                            
                       RANDY
I am Hand-Borg!
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
You go Hand-Borg!
                                                            
                       BONNIE
We love you Hand-Borg!
                                                            
Dr. Goo-Bot struggles to right himself as the giant hand bot
clenches its fingers into a giant fist.
                                                            
                       RANDY
Hey Doc, welcome to the cafeteria.
                                                            
                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
      (angry)
What is that supposed to mean?
                                                            
Hand-Borg socks Dr. Goo-Bot sending him flying backwards.
                                                            
                       RANDY
Today's special is,
      (beat)
A Knuckle Sandwich.
                                                            
Everyone cheers and chants for Hand-Borg.
                                                            
                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
      (defeated)
I am... Dr. Goo-Bot...
                                                            
                       TABATHA
Take that, Goo-Bot!
                                                            
                       SNAKE
Tabatha, just let Hand-Borg handle
this.
                                                            

50.

Tabatha runs away crying.
                                                            
                       RANDY
Well, Goo-Bot, I hope you saved
room for dessert.
                                                            
                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
      (exasperated)
What?
                                                            
                       RANDY
Cause it's time.
      (beat)
To Tear up some Goo.
                                                            
                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
What?!
                                                            
                       RANDY
      (intensely)
Like Tiramisu.
                                                            
As Hand-Borg approaches he extends all fingers toward Dr.
Goo-Bot, who is mustering all of his strength to move.
                                                            
                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
      (mustering all of
       his strength)
Flap-a-Tron... Attack!
                                                            
Instantly, a giant mechanical bird soars into sight and
takes aim for Hand-Borg.
                                                            
                       FLAP-A-TRON
CA-CAW!!
                                                            
As Hand-Borg tries to orient himself to the giant bird's
rapidly changing position, a giant bang sounds. The dust
settles, and Flap-a-Tron is seen flapping uncontrollably on
the ground. Hand-Borg looks around to see Sledge, baby in
one arm, pistol-grip pump action shotgun in the other.
                                                            
                       SLEDGE
Flap Gois, anyone?
                                                            
Hand-Borg gives his co-parent a wink before turning to Dr.
Goo-Bot who lays on the ground. Standing over him, Hand-Borg
rips out the robot's heart, which throbs evil black goo
before bursting in Hand-Borg's clench.
                                                            
                       DR. GOO-FLAPS
      (dying)
Flappy... No...
                                                            

51.

                       SNAKE
He has been vanquished! The evil
heart shall beat no more!
                                                            
The Hand-Borg chants recommence. Sledge, Hand-Borg, and
Bonnie embrace as Jake and Jake Sr. approach Ralph.
                                                            
                       RALPH
My torso got all messed... goo.
Gooed up, sir.
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
Now there, there, boy.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Am I okay?
                                                            
                       JAKE SR.
Oh, Ralph. I may be as blind as an
old bed bug, but even I can see
that it is time for you to reach
your eternal slumber, my boy.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Bed... bug... eternal slumber?
Wait a minute, Jake-
                                                            
                       JAKE
I'm here, Ralph.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Jake, we're dreaming, we're still
dreaming!
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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