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Private Security - EP01: Reunion
by Timothy Hames (timothy.hames@gmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review:

This is a comedy about two war vets who reunite after their service in the Persian Gulf and stubble into the world of Private Security, where all their comical antics find them in some precarious positions.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



Open on Stan and Carl driving in Hummer with the desert in
front of them and a convoy of three Vehicles behind them. We
an open landscape of desert with heat shimmering off the
sand. The camera pans to a nasty looking camel taking a
                       STAN (V.O.)
Life can take you to some
interesting places if you let it,
this is not one of them.

This place is a real shit show,
then again war is never a fun
time. Thats why you need a true
friend to have your back when shit
goes sideways.

Take Carl for example. We enlisted
the same day, I made Captain while
he ended up as a Private First
Class enlisted. Now He drives me
around, as drivers go he sucks but
I trust him with my life and
that's what real friendship is all
Sir, do you know what location we
need to be heading. The, "Koran"
(Squinting to see the name on the
device) says we've been heading
the same way for the past hour.
OK, settle down there Saddam it's
called a "LORAN", a terrestrial
radio frequency navigation system
created after World War II. It
allows us to plot waypoints to
destinations on a map and what did
I tell you about the whole sir
You just read that in the Manual.


Damn straight Nancy Drew and I
have no idea where we are.
Carl just stares at Stan confused. Stan begins Reading over
the map and looks at the LORAN a few times.
Hey Dip-Shit, you know we're lost
Stan yells out loud for everyone in the Humvee to hear,
meanwhile Carl looks over at Stan confused.
What!?! I'm Driving, and you have
the map and that thing a ma jig.
Its a LORAN I just got done
explaining that to you.

I need to appear in-charge and I
can't do that if these guys think
I'm an idiot. Navigation is not
my strong suit.
Carl stares at Stan for a minute.
How the hell did you qualify for
military intelligence MOS?
I'm book smart dumb ass, I got a
110 on my ASVAB. Which is genius
level according to military
Stan pauses to consider what he is about to say.
So thats why I'm going to need you
to take one for the team. There is
no way I can survive a beating
from the Barbarian Twins over
Stan gestures to the two enormous Special Forces detail
assigned to them. Both Stan and Carl look to the backseat.


What the...
Guys look PFC Morris fucked up
again, we're lost. I know this
news might incite you to beat Carl
senseless but I would ask that you
show restraint.
Rex Grabs Carl from the backseat.
You have one job little man and
you fucked that up. Let me see the
communication from the T.O.C
(Tactical Operations Command). It
says our destination is
Stan speaks to Rex then looks to Carl.
      (mocking Tone)
its actually spelled
N-i-n-e-v-a-h! This guy needs a
fucking speak and spell.
What did you say! Pullover
numb-nuts before you get us
Rex mistakes Carl as the one who made the comment on his
spelling error and starts choking him.
      (Screechy Voice)
I, I didn't say anything.
Do I look like I give a fuck, Pull
Ok Terminator, as soon as you stop
choking me...
Camera pans to Stan looking at Carl as Rex releases him.


You brought this on yourself.
Carl pulls the Humvee over at the base of a large berm.
Everyone exits the Humvee and looks to Stan for direction.
Alright, lets take a break while I
figure out where we are.
Stan looks at Carl and waves him over.
Listen, I'm not sure where we are
but I know that we need to find
our destination soon. Whatever it
is we are transporting is highly
classified, besides there is only
so many beatings you can take
before the Wonder Twins get bored
and active their ass whooping
powers on me.
Carl and Stan look over the map trying to figure out where
they are. When Rex stumbles across an Iraqi Republican
Guard unit on patrol. They signal back to Carl and Stan to
come join the fray but instead Carl and Stan take cover
behind the Humvee.
Holy Shit, get down!
While Stan and Carl hide behind the Humvee, Rex
Strategically positions the convoy to flank the enemy while
surgically sniping each member of the Iraqi patrol with
military precision.
                                         CUT TO PRESENT DAY
Carl is standing in his repair shop telling his version of
what happened that day in the Persian Gulf when Jose walks


And that's how we rained down a
shit storm on those mother fuckers
I was just about to...
Wait I thought you were just a
driver, thats what Jose said.
Freddy turns to look at Jose.
Is Carl trying to convince you he
was some kind of war hero.
Jose, you know we kick some ass
that day. The life of a trained
killer is a lonely one. That's why
Freddy is going to set me up with
his cousin Tina.
Carl is nodding his head in agreement with Freddy.
Its to late Carl, I don't have a
cousin named Tina. I just made
that up because I felt sorry for
You realize its dangerous lying to
a former Army Special Forces
soldier. I could...
Carl makes martial arts movements as if to impress Freddy
Save it. You're funny though.
Just get back to work, both of
Carl heads to the office, Jose signals Carl to talk with


Hey boss, don't forget I need
Thursday off to cater the
Levinstein Wedding.
Carl looks back to Jose.
Why the hell would a Jewish couple
hire a catering company that
exclusively serves Mexican food?
Porque te gustan todos los
gringos, les encanta mi carne
Subtitles of Jose's explanation displays on screen.
Translation: Because like all gringos, they love my spicey
meat. As Jose is grabbing himself.
They love my meat tacos boss! Oh I
forgot, Stan called. He mentioned
something about being in town for
a convention, you should give him
a call...

How long has it been since you
guys hung-out?
Carl with a blank look on his face, thinking.
A long time.
                                         CUT TO ISC
We see Stan setting up his Booth, the sign reads "Stantec".
Up walks Rex and his entourage wearing shirts that say
"Elite Farce"


StanTac, Nice name Horawitz. What
can you bring to the security
community? Oh wait let me guess
you provide cowards that hide
behind V.I.P's so they can take a
bullet for you.
Wow, that was original and I see
you still haven't figured out how
to spell.
Stan points out the miss-spelled "Elite Farce" on his
company shirts. Rex pulls his shirt up to get a close look
at the name, then smacks the security officer next to him.
I told you Force F.O.R.C.E dumb
ass! Regardless Stan, Private
Security is where the money is.

Last year alone we brought on two
Billionaires which netted Elite
Force 2.1 Million in profits. So
suck it Horawitz!

Oh yeah, our newest prospect is
Ryan McCormick the social media
tech billionaire.
Rex points across the room to Ryan McCormick who is talking
with what appears to be high level executives.
Interesting, do you have a web
Hell yeah, it kicks ass. Here is
my card. take a look and you'll
see how its done.
Rex hands Stan his card. While Rex is talking to his team
Stan is actively typing on his computer.
I don't think I shared with you
what it is I do. You see I
contribute to the security
community in a slightly different
and as most would say, more
productive way. I provide Network


                       STAN (cont'd)
Stan turns his laptop screen towards Rex, revealing a gay
porn splash page he added to Elite Force's website.
It seems your website security is
lacking. I love your splash page
though, is this the kind of
security you provide your clients.
I imagine there are a few
Billionaires that would pay big
money for this kind of protection.
A small crowd gathers around Stan's booth causing huge
embarrassment for Rex.
Elite Farce everybody! They work
to please their clients. Check
them out!
As the crowd clears Stan notices Carl standing there.
Holy Shit. You showed! You know a
call would have sufficed... No,
I'm kidding get over here.
Stan and Carl hug.
Damn, I thought you would still be
mad after I refused to join your
company all those years ago.
No, don't be silly. I'll admit it
has been tough but I'm doing ok.
Honestly, I just wasn't into the
whole tech thing. I own a auto
repair shop just outside of town.
So, if you ever need a car

Speaking of businesses you must be
rolling in it, how many employees


                       CARL (cont'd)
do you have?
Not a one. The industry isn't what
it was 10 years ago with the
threat of Hactivism, Global
communication breaches and lax
security protocols. Companies want
big time players that offer the
whole package, like Cisco.
Carl looking at Stan like a deer in the head lights.
You realize that I didn't
understand a single word you just
said. This is why I could never
work for you.

Who is Cisco, is he a friend of
yours? You might want to get him
over the boarder before Trump
builds that wall...
Just Stop talking. Honestly if
something doesn't pan-out for me
at this conference I might have to
consider another career.
An awkward pause.
Hey, I saw a sign for a
meet-and-greet on the way in, did
you want to get a drink?
Stan starts packing up some items.
Sure, I could use one about now.
How about a Bud Light?
They head out laughing.
                                         CUT TO CASINO LOUNGE


A magnificent spread of food and drink with the logo of the
Sands hotel and casino. We pan to Stan and Carl sitting at
the bar. Stan hands Carl a drink.
Sorry buddy they were all out of
Bud Light. So I got you the next
best thing, a scotch.
Carl glares at Stan in disappointment.
Thanks? So tell me what does your
company do?
I mostly install network security
solutions for small businesses. I
have been developing a mobile
application that protects against
malicious apps that might track or
steal your data. The best part is
my app traces where the Mal-ware
came from. So we...
Carl is making a snoring sound while acting like he fell
Wow, thats all very interesting
Bill Gates. But I...Hey isn't that
the billionaire you told me Rex
mentioned to you.
Carl nods in the direction of Ryan Phillips as he walks up
next to them at the bar. Carl starts to whisper.
Talk to him.
What. Stop, there is no way he...
Ryan can hear Carl and Stan talking as they are not
whispering anymore.
Gentlemen and lady. I'm Ryan Mc...
Ryan speaks with an English Accent.


Cormick, yeah we know. Its a
pleasure. (Shaking hands)Are you
here presenting or just checking
out those hot ass chicks, or

Not sure what you kids are into
these days. Just trying to show
Stan flashes a peace sign while Ryan smirks then looks at
Stan with curiosity.
I'm kidding, Ryan, Mr. McCormick.
Can I call you Ryan.

How old are you by the way? you
look way to young to be a
billionaire. Are you here for the
security conference?
Ryan is talking while texting on his mobile device.
Occasionally looking up to address Stan and Carl. He takes a
picture to post on Instagram.
I'm 20, my father is the
billionaire I just manage the
social media division of his
multi-billion dollar company.

listen guys, it's been awesome
chatting with you but I need to

Give me a Smile, this will make
for a hilarious post on my
Instagram. Caption: "Two assholes
walk into a bar".

Oh, since you asked yes, I'm here
looking for a Private Security
firm to protect me and my
interests while I travel abroad
this summer.
As Ryan is finished talking, Rex walks up. Ryan looks over
at Rex. Stan places his phone on the bar near Ryan's phone.


Its time sir. The helicopter is
Where are you planing to travel to
this summer band camp or some
Ha, Ha your cynicism funny as it
is, doesn't change the fact that
you're this close to being out of
a job. I know all about your
financial troubles Mr. Horawitz.

Oh, just a suggestion. Your girl
friend is in serious need of a
Ryan looks at Rex and nods, Rex pushes Stan out of the way.
Ryan and Rex walk away to the elevators. Stan looks at Carl.
What the fuck was all that about.
I was just trying to lighten the
mood. That Ricky Schroeder mother
fucker was out of control.

He is right though, you could use
a little work.
You're a sadistic bastard.
Lets Get out of here.
Sounds good.
As they get into the elevator Carl looks at Stan typing on
his phone.
Who are you texting?


No one, I'm hacking Richy Riches
Instagram account. While he was
busy not being nice I uploaded
some Mal-ware to his phone which
allows me to access every app on
his device.

Lets see what he is up to.
Hey let me write some shit on his
What the fuck, back off. What
the... hey Look at this.
Stan turns the phone to Carl. They are looking at an
Instagram Live, of Ryan being shot at when they hear gun
fire outside the elevator. The elevator door opens, they see
security rushing Ryan towards the elevator. Carl panics and
starts pressing the close door button. Ryan is frantically
trying reach the elevator. Before the doors can close Stan
Reaches out to Ryan pulling him into the elevator, he was
the only one to make it. We see the elevator doors close on
Oh my god. Thank you so much for
saving my life.
Stan and Carl look at each other.
Who the fuck were those guys?
      (Out of Breath)
I..., I'm glad you showed up when
you did. That was "Lit", hey can
we get a selfie, my friends will
never believe this.
Hell no you crazy bastard. Those
guys upstairs are sacrificing the
only thing that matters, their
lives and you want to stand here
playing cool social media
billionaire guy, so you can show
off to all your friends.


Short pause.
Thanks for the support there PBS.
Silence then Ryan speaks.
Listen guys, I meant no
disrespect. I like to live in the
moment and that can come across
the wrong way sometimes. I
appreciate you holding the door. I
might not be alive right now if it
weren't for the two of you.
You know it was Stan's Idea to
check on you. We heard some
Hacktivist group were protesting
your latest social media privacy
violation or some shit like that.
Stan looks at Carl as he Shrugs his shoulders. Carl motions
Stan to continue talking, Stan takes a second to compose
himself then speaks.
Its what we do Ryan. We protect
high level executives like
yourself. OK not really.

Listen I was just pulling a prank
when we noticed you were in
trouble and decided to help. No,
thats not true ether. The elevator
door opened automatically and we
were in the right place at the
right time.
Carl is looking at Stan with a sense of doubt and confusion.
I don't doubt it. Right place,
Right Time. Thats what I need. I
have to say though, it was
impressive how you acted quickly
to secure my safety.

Stan, we didn't have a good start
during our first meeting but I


                       RYAN (cont'd)
have to ask, would you be
interested in working for me?


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