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smart car
by Garry Hart (littlemanlawnserviceinc@yahoo.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review:

Story about a man everybody hated. There is some strong language.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


The room is filled with 10-15 employee's. They are sitting
waiting for the employee meeting to begin.
                       EMP 2
      (She nudges the
       the person next
       to her)
So what's going on with the
meeting? Someone having a baby or
                       EMP 1
His wife has been reported missing
for 72 hours; he is now moving in
to take everything. It has been
one of the ugliest divorces I have
ever known.
                       EMP 2
      (He looks around)
I heard he danced on his aunts
grave at her funeral.
                       EMP 1
Yea he stole two million dollars
from his aunt Gretchen and laughed
at her every time she brought it
A man walked up to the microphone and tapped it a little to
make sure that it worked. He wiped it with a handkerchief
and then said something to a person helping him set up. He
spoke into the microphone.
Testing...1,2,3. Testing ... 4,5,
6. Testing ..135.
                       EMP 2
I can't hear you Whiskey
No problem.
Whiskey turns the microphone off.
Can you hear me now?


Everyone shouts "yea, we can hear"
      (He shouts across
       the room to
Get over here! Now!
Whiskey stops what he is doing and goes over to Bertram.
      (Talking to
What can I do for you?
Where's the car I ordered two days
Ah! The one you ordered ten
minutes after Celine was
officially declared missing?
The Alfa Romeo? The Giulia
Quadrifoglio with the Brembo
Brakes, Driver Assistance Dynamic
Package, oh and the Harmon Audio.
Does that ring a bell?
Bertram glares at Whiskey
      (Whiskey frowns at
It is being checked over and will
be ready in about an hour. Is
this your victory toy?
      (Bertram glares at
Hell yea! That unappreciative
bitch! Everything is mine!
Everything bought and paid for
with my money. Mine!
      (looks off to the
OoooKkkk. Ah what do you say we
get this started. Everybody!
Let's get this meeting started. I


                       WHISKEY (cont'd)
would like to take a minute of
silence for Celine; We hope you
are safe and come home unharmed.
      (They bow their
       heads and about 5
       seconds later)
That's good! She's not coming
back. Trust me. I have the
inside scoop on this.
                       EMP 1
      (Not happy)
Yea, well we actually like her.
      (Looking him right
       in the eyes)
I didn't like her and I don't like
you. If I have anymore problems
with you maybe you will end up
like her! Got it!
                       EMP 1
I am sorry I missed the part after
"I didn't like her".
Sadly enough, you may be the
brightest one here. Anyway, I am
going to cut to the point. Celine
is never coming back. I am your
boss, screw up and your fired. I
know everything.
Bertram takes a drink of his coffee and then makes a funny
      (He continues)
I have camera's set up everywhere.
I am watching you, whether I am
in my house in the Hamptons or my
villa in Hawaii, I see you! You
pot smoking scum bag!
Bertram glares at employee 2
      (Looks around the
I am reading your emails and


                       BERTRAM (cont'd)
checking your facebooks. I know
everything. If sales drop
salesman will get fired. If
quality mechanical work sluffs off
mechanics get fired. If profits
sluff off managers get fired. I
would just as soon fire all of you
just because you worked for that
bitch! I am out of here before I
do something rash.
Bertram takes another sip of his coffee and smiles.
      (as he is leaving)
Good coffee ah...
Bertram, Whiskey and a mechanic. The car was there, a red
Alfa Romeo, the newest Giulia Quadrifolgio with driving
assist, voice activated everything. Bertram was awe struck.
      (He stares at the
       car with his
       hands out to
She is beautiful! So smart too!
Finally a car that could be my
friend also!
Bertram turns to Whiskey.
Is everything ready?
      (He scratches his
Everything has been installed. I
would just like to say that I do
not recommend using the
Navigation/driver assist programs.
They are still new technology and
therefore unpredictable.
      (Makes a sudden
       stare in Whiskeys


                       BERTRAM (cont'd)
Yea, right. They have been
perfecting the auto steer system
for more than 12 years now. I
think they have it. I am going to
watch porn while I drive to my
estate in the Hampton's.
      (he frowns)
We were not able to give the
computer system the name you
requested, Bia. The computers
name is Gretchen. We are working
on the problem in the programing
department. That is the only
problem we had.
      (twisted look)
Gretchen? Is this some kind of
joke? Gretchen?
Bertram paces the floor looking away mumbling that included
"stupid bitch" and "I will ... anywhere!". Whiskey and the
mechanic watch.
      (Like he had just
       settled an
All right! I have to, but you
better make damn sure you have
that fixed before the weekend or
else you are fired! Now for my
bag? Here it is.
Bertram looks inside the bag and smiles, then closes it and
tosses it in through the window on the passenger side. He
grabs the keys out of the hands of Whiskey and without
breaking his stride he is in the drivers seat. He does an
"oh yea!". Starts it up. Adjusts the mirrors. Tests the
audio sound system and puts some Manson on. He turns it on
and listens closely.
      (Sticks his head
       out the window)
I am not going to fire you two
this time.
Bertram has a big smile on his face.


See you losers in a few days.
Bertram put it in gear and floored it going out the garage
doors and into the parking lot. He flew across the lot,
slammed on his brakes and slid around the corner to the
green light. Honks and screeching brakes could be heard for
a few minutes.

Whiskey and the Mechanic look at each other and say
      (same time as
What an ass hole!
The car is cruising out on the highway with the music turned
up high. The auto drive is on and Bertram is doing lines of
coke. The sun had gone down and Bertram was still cruising.
The sun is beginning to drop in the sky. Bertram broke out
a bottle of Mezcal and did a shot. He does another shot as
his car does all the driving.
      (Coked up and
       beginning to slur
       his words)
So? Gretchen! Log into Celine
Motors, Password urfired!2.
CelineMotors.com logged
in...select video/audio video...
video/audio. View showroom.
Show room floor has several people wondering about. Whiskey
was in his office doing his number crunching. A salesman
was talking to a couple about the Alfa Romeo that was
missing. A salesman went into Whiskeys office, Bertram
zoomed in on office camera. He could hear them talking.
                       EMP 1
      (talking to
Whiskey! We need you to do a
"Bertram" to close the deal. You
got a few minutes.


      (Looks up from his
Is it really that bad? (emp1
nods)Alright. I will be there in a
Whiskey gives him a chance to pass by the other salesman and
give him the nod. Whiskey gets up and goes over to the
drinking fountain for a few minutes. He then heads over to
the cubicle where the salesman is trying to close the deal
and knocks on the door and then sticks his head in.
Flowers! If you don't close a
deal today you are fired! You
worthless cow pie! You couldn't
sell a life jacket to a drowning
Whiskey closes the door and goes back to his office. The
customer gave whiskey a frown.
      (grips his wifes
Ass hole! We'll take that F150
and he will have to put up with
you one more night.
Bertram laughed and did another shot.
Ok. Gretchen log into the Hamptons
Sperm Bank, password
Incorrect password, please try
What? all right how about Password
whackymoney...hmmm. How about
Password HamptonDripple.
Password is incorrect. You will
be logged out unless you choose to
answer security question and reset
your password.


      (He does another
Oh! You are going to be a bitch
with me are ya? Lets do it!
Security question.
Give the name of a relative that
you stole money from.
What? Are you getting smart with
me? You little piece of electronic
bullshit! I would rather drive off
a bridge than be intimidated by
anyone, especially a piece of crap
like you! ...Oh yea, Security
Answer Gretchen, you bitch.
That is correct. Your current
password is CockSucker. Please
tell me what you want it to be
changed too.
CockSucker? I would never use
that for a password. Where's the
money in that? Hmmm...Alright New
Password HamptonJerkoffs. New
Password HamptonJerkoffs.
Sorry New Password not acceptable.
Whaaat? You bitch! If I could
smack you I would. What's wrong
with HamptonJerkoffs?
There is a Politically Correct
editor running. It does not allow
offensive statements or statements
that could be construed as racial
or discriminatory.
Damn! You are going to have to
go. As soon as possible. alright.
New Password killgretchen


Sorry New Password not accepted
The sun was beginning to set as Bertram and his Alpha Romeo
race off into the darkness.
      (looking very
       tired and waisted)
Fuck me you self-righteous bitch!
What the hell is the problem with
that password.
It offended me.
What about me? I am the offended
one here. You screw with my stuff
... What the hell? I am arguing
with a computer. Kiss my ass you
electronic moron.
He tries to make a line of coke but he is too drunk. The
cars auto steering drives for him while he parties himself
into oblivion.
Destination Warning! Rocky Mount
North Carolina. Destination
Warning! Rocky Mount North
Carolina 23 miles away.
      (drowsily and
Pull over!
This is not a safe place to stop.
Do it!
Don't make me play hardball!
System Over ride.


You are in no position to make
Whoooa! Did you just threaten me?
I don't take that shit from
nobody! Now Pull over!
Bertram fights to gain control of the steering wheel but he
is no match for Gretchen. Coke is flying everywhere as the
car swerves onto the shoulder and then back out onto the
highway. Bertram struggles to regain his composure.
What the hell? I am the driver.
Why won't you let me drive my car?
You're judgment is impaired. Like
when you stole money from me!
You? Wait, you are a car. You are
not Gretchen. Disable Auto-Drive.
Auto-Drive Disabled
Bertram relaxes and tosses his almost empty bottle of
tequila on the passenger side floor. He pulls himself
together, straightens his hair and sits up straight. He
puts his hands on the wheel, belches and then shakes his
head. He tries to take control of the steering wheel.
Warning Impaired Driver alert!
Warning Impaired Driver Alert!
What the hell? You disabled the
Just kidding. You are not able to
drive. You have consumed
alcoholic fluids and taken
controlled substances.
The car slows down and takes the next exit to Rocky Mount.
Bertram stares out into the night. He realizes that he is
actually a captive of his car. The car slows down and comes
to a stop at a red light. The town is dark and quit.


Suddenly he tries to get out and struggles with the door,
with out success.
Damn you! Damn you!
Bertram sits in silent resignation. The car drives through
the night then turns down a smaller road that turns into a
dirt road. Bertram sits quietly. The car pulls up to a
pull over next to a small stream.
Destination 1 Arrived. Do you
wish for me to park the car?
That would be nice. You mind if I
get out now?
Should I test your alcohol level
is it the only way I can get out
of the car?
You may take the Breathalizer
test; if you fail that you may
take the Sobriety Test; if you
fail that you may override the
system to exit but you will not
drive again for 6 hours.
      (Thinks about it
       for a few seconds)
Sure, lets do it.
Take a deep breath and place your
lips to the inhale tube located in
between the seats. Press Start
and exhale.
He followed the directions.
Your Blood Alcohol content is .024
or almost three times the legal
limit for North Carolina.
Therefore you have failed the
Breathalizer Test. Would you like


                       GRETCHEN (cont'd)
to try the Sobriety Test?
      (With a look of
There are 3 questions you must get
all three correct. Are you ready?
      (He tries to open
       the door again
       but fails)
Yea, lets do it!
Who was the last person to hug
      (He frowned as he
       thought back)
It was Celine; 6 months ago. God
she has great tits, it felt great.
Name a family member that you
I hate them all! Ok. I loved our
pet alligator jaws. My father had
him turned into a handbag!
Is Jaws your answer?
Yes damn you! Now let me out!
You have failed the sobriety test.
You may over ride the
auto-control but you will not be
able to drive for 4 hours.
The computer shuts down and the car turns off. Bertram sits
back emotionally spent. He reaches down for the bottle of
tequila and takes a big swig. He then checks his wallet
and counts out the money to himself. Bertram then reaches


down for the brief case on the floor. In the darkness he
could see a light coming towards him. When the light was
about twenty feet away Bertram struggles to get out of his
car and falls on the ground. Partly drunk and partly out of
I am free! That bitch!
Police Chief is hiding in the woods. They are staking out
the driver of the Alfa Romeo parked by the river. There are
other officers hiding in the woods all around them.
      (talking softly)
Chief Piggly Wiggly to Donut
Monster, the subject is
approaching the meeting place.
Remain in position until I give
the word. Over.
                       DONUT MONSTER
      (laughter in his
Chief, these aren't walky-talkies,
these are cell phones, just talk.
Ok. Shut the hell up...over.
The car pulls up to the river and parks. They can see the
car is steaming up. The hit man standing in the woods turns
on his flashlight but is waiting the order to start
approaching the car. They wait. A few minutes later.
Hold your positions. Grim Reaper,
move in.
                       DONUT MONSTER
Where do you get this stuff? Just
say it. You don't have to worry
about being eves dropped on.
      (Irritated voice)
Quiet Donut Monster before
somebody plugs your hole. Now move
in Grim Reaper.


The Grim Reaper moves in slowly walking towards the car. He
could hear voices inside the car. As he gets closer the car
door suddenly pops open and Bertram falls out onto the
      (sprawled on the
       ground and in a
       cold sweat)
I am free! You bitch!
                       GRIM REAPER
      (He waits a minute
       watching Bertram)
Nice car!
      (Rolls his eyes
       over to him)
I will give you the car instead of
the money, if you want.
                       GRIM REAPER
      (thinks about it
       for a minute)
Nah...it is tempting.
As soon as I get my shit together
here, I am going to put a hit on
the car and everyone that had
anything to do with it.
                       GRIM REAPER
      (Grim Reaper
Yea well... I don't do cars but
everyone else give me a call.
      (sitting up
       straight on the
I am assuming you did the job?
Bertram wipes his forehead with his hand. He is beginning
to get the chills and shiver.
                       GRIM REAPER
      (He pulls out a
       pair of panties)


      (Examines panties,
       on the front it
       says Bertram and
       on the back it
       said "Kiss My
Yea these are hers. She got these
after our last anniversary fight.
God we had some great fights.
Bertram slowly and wearily stands up, dusting himself off.
He is shaky on his feet. He looks around to make sure
nobody is near.
                       GRIM REAPER
I have killed your wife, Celine,
for $20,000 dollars; you have paid
me $10,000; that means you owe
      (irritated voice)
$10,000 dollars for the other
                       GRIM REAPER
What was it for?
For killing my wife. Are you an
idiot? I thought we just discussed
that. God, if you could just send
me one intelligent human.
Move in quickly! Now! Go! Go!
Bertram see's the police moving in and runs for his car. But
the car door is locked.
      (He pounds on the
Damn you! Damn you Gretchen!
Round him up and take him away. We
have Butt Head in custody.
The car starts up and takes off in front of everyone. The
police arrest Bertram. A cop car goes after Gretchen. They
cuff Bertram and cram him into a police car.


The room is somber. There are several people in the room. A
casket lays open. In the back of the room a big man sits
quietly mourning. The funeral director was making last
minute arrangements as the people settled in their seats. A
person playing the organ stops as the funeral director takes
the podium.
      (clears his throat
       and looks around
       the audience)
Bertram Woodbury was a very
unusual man. He had a way of
bringing out a side of people that
challenged them to do better.
Several smirks, some laughter. One mumbled "Fuck you" could
be heard from somewhere in the audience.
      (His eyes searched
       the audience for
       the person that
       spoke up. He
In his last will and testament he
left very specific instructions as
to his last wishes. He asked that
this musician play a song for you.
Hoopy come on up here.
      (Picks up his
       guitar and walks
       up to the
I just want to say that Bertram
was an ass hole and if it was not
for the fact that I owe him money
for the property he stole from my
parents. (pauses, everyone is
silent) The words were written by
him, I just wrote the music.
The singer writes this long beautiful introduction. It is
in Spanish guitar style. Then he goes to the chorus and
just hits one chord and starts to sing.
You are all pieces of shit and I
left you nothing at all. (he plays
another chord) If I could be there


                       SINGER (cont'd)
I would rub your nose in it. (He
plays another chord) You can kiss
my ass cause I am out of here. You
sorry assed loosers can remember
me as the man who fucked you over
and laughed the whole time.
      (He hits another
You can go home and cry, make me
want to be alive you pathetic
losers! May you rot in hell
Everyone clapped and gave him a standing ovation. The
director took the podium. An elderly couple sat in the
front row holding hands.
      (Surveys the room)
Is there anyone that would like to
say a few words about the
      (Stands up and
       walks to the
Bertram was our boy. I suppose we
will miss him. I remember one
time when he was little, oh, I
would say 7 or 8 years old, I
noticed that his pet dog Pus, was
beginning to lose weight. I asked
him if he was feeding him
everyday; he said he was. I
watched and seen him get his food
everyday. Dog kept losing weight,
so I took him to the vet; vet says
he is starving to death. Long
story short, Bertram was selling
the dog food to homeless people
down at the park as spam.
Bertram's father returned to his seat. Everyone was silent.
The director returned to the podium.
      (clears his throat)
Is there anyone else?


The man from the back of the room stood up and went to the
      (He looks down in
I know you all hate Bertie, I mean
Bertram. To you he was well...you
knew him well, we on the other
hand had only a few brief moments,
just before they let me out of the
Federal Prison. I remember the
first time I saw him, under the
glow of the red night lights in
cell block D. He was so
cute...nervous, shy...anyway I
just knew in my heart that this
little country bumpkin and I were
going to have a rondeveu in the
showers; it was fate! (he pauses)
I never forget the look of sheer
terror when I surprised him in the
shower. I like a man that puts up
a struggle, the sex was
consensual, oh yea, he loved it
right up until he slipped and hit
his head on the toilet seat. I
still feel bad about that.
The man returned to his seat. Several of the people in the
room clapped and cheered, others talked between themselves.
                       EMP 1
      (Stood up and
       spoke out)
I would just like to say that, I
used to make Bertram's coffee for
him. He loved my coffee, I peed
in it... he never knew. I feel a
little awkward about that.
She sits down and the Grim Reaper stood up and went to the
                       GRIM REAPER
Bertram hired me to pop his wife,
Celine. He gives the down
payment, as he pulls out of the
driveway he says my dog and chases
it with his car across my front
lawn. He eventually ran it over
as my dog, 38, tried to run across
the street. I knew then that this
was going to be a pro bono for 38.


                       GRIM REAPER (cont'd)
I got him for ya, little 38.
The big man wiped the tears out of his eyes as he returned
to his seat. A man stood up at his seat and spoke.
                       EMP 2
      (Stands up at his
I was one of Mr. Burcherow's
heaviest contributors at his
Hampton Sperm Bank. He would pay
me discount bin prices and then
sell my seed as Brad Pit Specials.
The mechanic stood up and spoke.
I would like to say that I
reprogrammed the computer in his
car that night he got busted and
renamed it Gretchen.
A small round of applause. The director returned to the
      (She stands up and
       everyone applauds)
I would just like to say, out of
respect for you Bertram, I danced
at your funeral (she does a little
dance). I got you this time.
Another round of applause as she danced down the isle.
Bertram's Mother stands up.
      (Stands up)
Not so fast my little precious!
You see Bertram owes everything to
me. One day when he was 11 years
old he said he would give me
everything he ever made if I would
just quit visiting his school.
That's ridiculous, he was a minor.
Yes but we had already disowned
him legally the year before. So
he was able to make a binding


                       MOM (cont'd)
decision. I had the agreement
signed and notorized by his dad.
Readem and weep! Sister!
His Mom breaks out a piece of notebook paper with the
agreement on it and waves it in the air.
So get the hell out of here! You
are all fired!
      (Everyone leaves
       the room. She
       shouts over her
You will be hearing from my
You think I don't know what I am
talking about?
His mom walks over to the open casket and looked at Bertram,
laying there. She reached in and twisted his cheek.
      (She leans up
       close to Bertrams
       body as she
       tweeks his cheek)
You were such an ass hole...(she
twists his cheek) Just one
The corpse spat water on her. She was shocked and looked at
the director.
      (shrugged his
He specifically requested it.


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