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by Garry Hart (littlemanlawnserviceinc@yahoo.com)
Rated: 
Genre: Comedy
User Review: 
The Danfields are a modern family that that deal with each others eccentricities.
This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
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FADE IN:
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INT. BREAKFAST - MORNING |
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MOM
Morning Sparky. Let me get you
some breakfast. |
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SPARKY
(sparky frowns and
stares at his
breakfast)
You know Mom...I have been
thinking. |
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MOM
(His mom looks at
him with
suspicious eyes)
When did you start doing that? |
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SPARKY
(He looks up at
her as she puts
some toast in the
toaster)
Well...ever since I watched CNN
the other night. They talked
about a prisoner in California who
was a prisoner because there was
this woman trapped inside him.
Maybe when he brings this woman
out, he won't be a criminal no
more. |
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MOM
(she puts a little
butter in her
skillet)
I am pretty sure you got that
wrong honey, that's why I think
things go best when I do most of
the thinking. You know how our
family is, just one wrong
conclusion away from disaster! |
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Mom scrambles some eggs and butters the toast. She gets him
a glass of orange juice and puts the food in front of him.
She gets her self a cup of coffee and sits down. |
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2.
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SPARKY
(he fiddles with
his food)
The other day in school, they were
talking about "inclusiveness" and
how we need to embrace all
genders, especially transgenders
and homosexuals...those crazy gays
at school! they are a swell bunch
of guys as long as they keep their
pants on. I thought to myself,
why won't anyone embrace me? It
was then that I realized that
maybe if I was a woman, everyone
would love me...even if I was a
jerk. |
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MOM
(she sipped her
coffee)
I didn't know you were wanting to
be embraced. I think the last
time we "embraced" you was when
you ran out onto the football
field naked. Wasn't that last
year? |
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SPARKY
(Sparky finishes
chewing some food)
That was tackling, I had bits of
gravel stuck to my butt for days
after that. |
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MOM
Yea well the next time you want
show off your Neanderthal Balls,
you need to remember that they can
be separated from you if you ever
run across a football field again.
At least wear a fig leaf for
Christs sake. Your father was on
the news with the crack of your
ass just inches from his smiling
face. It was hard to tell who was
who. The reporter asked your butt
the first question. |
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SPARKY
Well after experiencing, the
freezing cold, the stares and the
way they laughed at my
genitals...I thought maybe I
wasn't meant to be a boy. Maybe I
(MORE)
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3.
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SPARKY (cont'd)
was meant to be a woman. Dad
always said I cried like a little
girl. |
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The sound of an electric razor and the flush of a toilet
could be heard in the back ground. |
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MOM
You don't cry like a baby. If you
want to see 'cry like a baby' you
should have seen your father when
he saw the federal government
raiding our neighbors pot field. |
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SPARKY
Wow! Its just crazy when you
think of all the cancer victims
that could have been saved, had
they only used their weed for
good, not evil. |
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MOM
Your father still blames his skin
cancer on the fact that he quit
smoking marijuana.
But to get back to the transgender
thing, the people weren't laughing
because it was small, they were
laughing because the mascot goat
kept trying to bite it. |
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SPARKY
(he frowned)
That's not what Sherry said. She
said even with her binoculars she
couldn't see me. I offered to
send her a close up but she said I
would probably photo-shop it. She
was right. |
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Father enters the kitchen he is wearing his pajama's |
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DAD
Mornin everyone! I had a great
night's sleep and my urine flow is
as manly as it's ever been. The
only way things could get any
better is if Bill Clinton caught
sypholis. |
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4.
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MOM
(She gets up to
make Dad some
eggs over easy.)
Your son is thinking of becoming
your daughter. |
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DAD
(He gets a long
look in his face)
Have you really researched this?
Free beers on ladies night and
clothing discounts aside there is
no way I would be a woman! Sure
they have nicer clothes, get free
meals on dates, get to choose to
stay at home and be mom or a
carreer; sure they get special
programs, free birth control,
grants, loans and are remembered
more on Mothers Day. |
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SPARKY
I am doing it because I want to be
loved for who I am. I want to be
respected for who I really am
inside. |
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DAD
Lets not forget that who you
really are inside is a mess of
blood, tissue and half digested
food. Everything else is just
fluff. |
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Mom pours dad a cup of coffee. She then starts getting him
some breakfast cereal. |
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SPARKY
Sometimes I just feel
unappreciated...like nobody cares
or understands me. |
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DAD
Said like a true woman! Maybe
there is something too this. I
would be willing to go through
years of operations and hormone
injections so that I could have a
few free beers now and then. |
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5.
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DAD
(He is silent for
a minute while he
thinks)
I would hope you would do the
right thing...you know...become a
lesbian. The mental image of
you... |
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MOM
(She puts the
cereal in front
of Dad)
Maybe we should think about the
cost of this. These operations
cost a lot of money and can take
years. |
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SPARKY
Not true. In California, all you
have to do is commit a felony. It
is all free after that. I have
really thought about this. |
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MOM
(she frowns)
I see that. |
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SPARKY
Seriously. I can go and live on
the streets of San Francisco a
while. I can learn how to steal
cars and raid other peoples
refrigerators while they are not
home. Anywhere from there on I
can get a sex change and with a
good lawyer, probation. |
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DAD
I would have to represent you,
obviously the best lawyers are a
little out of our budget. I am
pretty sure I could get you life,
on a good day. |
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MOM
All of this for a couple free
beers? Is that what this is
about? Your manhood is
embarrassed so you want to jump
ship and join the other team? Let
me tell you there is a lot more to
being a woman than free beers and
better clothes! We have to put up
(MORE)
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6.
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MOM (cont'd)
with Neanderthal men with octopus
hands. Dirty breath and smelly
armpits. Tell me the truth have
you ever fantasized about laying
naked on the beach with a naked
man with a giant ... you know ...
throbbing for you! |
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MOM
All of this for a couple free
beers? Is that what this is
about? Your manhood is
embarrassed so you want to jump
ship and join the other team? Let
me tell you there is a lot more to
being a woman than free beers and
better clothes! We have to put up
with Neanderthal men with octopus
hands. Dirty breath and smelly
armpits. Tell me the truth have
you ever fantasized about laying
naked on the beach with a hunk
that wants to take you from
behind! |
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Everyone kind of looks off to the side at the thought. Dad
frowned and the ouch look on his face. |
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DAD
Are you referring to that time in
Fort Lauder... |
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MOM
(she had some
shortness of
breath as she
gave him his eggs)
Yes dear. I think you should go
talk to the counselor at school. |
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Hillary enters the kitchen and gets herself some cereal. |
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HILLARY
(as she pours some
milk on her
cereal)
Morning everyone! I am feeling on
top of the world! |
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MOM
your brother wants to have a sex
change. |
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7.
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HILLARY
No!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to be
seeing his ugly face in the
bathrooms. |
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DAD
(smiles)
I thought you were for the
transgender bathroom thing. |
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HILLARY
Not when its my brother! Yea
that's all I need, my brother
hanging with the girls. |
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SPARKY
You wouldn't invite me to your
girls pajama parties? |
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HILLARY
Only as a sacrifice! |
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MOM
I think he should go to the school
counselor and really think about
this. I don't think he is being
fair to himself or other women. |
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SPARKY
All right but it is $40.00 dollars
now. The counselor said it was
only free for the first 43 times
after that it is $40.00 a visit. |
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HILLARY
What about me? I need counseling.
I have been thinking about being
nice to Trump supporters. I have
this swirl of anger and
forgiveness that is constantly
surfacing. |
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DAD
(Laughs)
You are not nuts Hillary, just
misguided. Your too nice and
smart to need |
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HILLARY
(Jumps out of her
chair and gets in
Dads face
shouting)
(MORE)
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8.
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HILLARY (cont'd)
Help me! Help me! Now! |
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Dad falls backwards in his chair. He digs deep and quick
and passes each of them $40.00. Hillary and Sparky get up
from the table. They thank Dad and Mom and hurry out the
door. |
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INT. OUT THE DOOR - MORNING |
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Sparky and Hillary leave the house with a brisk pace. Mom
comes to the front door as they are almost at the end of the
walkway. |
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MOM
Kids! Kids! Come back here for
just a moment please. |
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The kids frown and walk slowly back to their mom. |
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MOM
I'll take $10.00 from each of you
to not expose you to your father. |
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The two kids look at each other knowing they were caught. So
they grudgingly gave her the money. |
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MOM
(she waves to the
kids as they
leave.)
Have a great day at school. Try
not to grow boobs before you come
home. |
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SPARKY
(once mom had gone
back inside)
I still have enough to get a bag
weed. |
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HILLARY
(she smiles)
Me too! |
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They get on the school bus. |
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FADE OUT. |
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