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Transgender Breakfast
by Garry Hart (littlemanlawnserviceinc@yahoo.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: **
The Danfields are a modern family that that deal with each others eccentricities.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


Morning Sparky. Let me get you
some breakfast.
      (sparky frowns and
       stares at his
You know Mom...I have been
      (His mom looks at
       him with
       suspicious eyes)
When did you start doing that?
      (He looks up at
       her as she puts
       some toast in the
Well...ever since I watched CNN
the other night. They talked
about a prisoner in California who
was a prisoner because there was
this woman trapped inside him.
Maybe when he brings this woman
out, he won't be a criminal no
      (she puts a little
       butter in her
I am pretty sure you got that
wrong honey, that's why I think
things go best when I do most of
the thinking. You know how our
family is, just one wrong
conclusion away from disaster!
Mom scrambles some eggs and butters the toast. She gets him
a glass of orange juice and puts the food in front of him.
She gets her self a cup of coffee and sits down.


      (he fiddles with
       his food)
The other day in school, they were
talking about "inclusiveness" and
how we need to embrace all
genders, especially transgenders
and homosexuals...those crazy gays
at school! they are a swell bunch
of guys as long as they keep their
pants on. I thought to myself,
why won't anyone embrace me? It
was then that I realized that
maybe if I was a woman, everyone
would love me...even if I was a
      (she sipped her
I didn't know you were wanting to
be embraced. I think the last
time we "embraced" you was when
you ran out onto the football
field naked. Wasn't that last
      (Sparky finishes
       chewing some food)
That was tackling, I had bits of
gravel stuck to my butt for days
after that.
Yea well the next time you want
show off your Neanderthal Balls,
you need to remember that they can
be separated from you if you ever
run across a football field again.
At least wear a fig leaf for
Christs sake. Your father was on
the news with the crack of your
ass just inches from his smiling
face. It was hard to tell who was
who. The reporter asked your butt
the first question.
Well after experiencing, the
freezing cold, the stares and the
way they laughed at my
genitals...I thought maybe I
wasn't meant to be a boy. Maybe I


                       SPARKY (cont'd)
was meant to be a woman. Dad
always said I cried like a little
The sound of an electric razor and the flush of a toilet
could be heard in the back ground.
You don't cry like a baby. If you
want to see 'cry like a baby' you
should have seen your father when
he saw the federal government
raiding our neighbors pot field.
Wow! Its just crazy when you
think of all the cancer victims
that could have been saved, had
they only used their weed for
good, not evil.
Your father still blames his skin
cancer on the fact that he quit
smoking marijuana.

But to get back to the transgender
thing, the people weren't laughing
because it was small, they were
laughing because the mascot goat
kept trying to bite it.
      (he frowned)
That's not what Sherry said. She
said even with her binoculars she
couldn't see me. I offered to
send her a close up but she said I
would probably photo-shop it. She
was right.
Father enters the kitchen he is wearing his pajama's
Mornin everyone! I had a great
night's sleep and my urine flow is
as manly as it's ever been. The
only way things could get any
better is if Bill Clinton caught


      (She gets up to
       make Dad some
       eggs over easy.)
Your son is thinking of becoming
your daughter.
      (He gets a long
       look in his face)
Have you really researched this?
Free beers on ladies night and
clothing discounts aside there is
no way I would be a woman! Sure
they have nicer clothes, get free
meals on dates, get to choose to
stay at home and be mom or a
carreer; sure they get special
programs, free birth control,
grants, loans and are remembered
more on Mothers Day.
I am doing it because I want to be
loved for who I am. I want to be
respected for who I really am
Lets not forget that who you
really are inside is a mess of
blood, tissue and half digested
food. Everything else is just
Mom pours dad a cup of coffee. She then starts getting him
some breakfast cereal.
Sometimes I just feel
unappreciated...like nobody cares
or understands me.
Said like a true woman! Maybe
there is something too this. I
would be willing to go through
years of operations and hormone
injections so that I could have a
few free beers now and then.


      (He is silent for
       a minute while he
I would hope you would do the
right thing...you know...become a
lesbian. The mental image of
      (She puts the
       cereal in front
       of Dad)
Maybe we should think about the
cost of this. These operations
cost a lot of money and can take
Not true. In California, all you
have to do is commit a felony. It
is all free after that. I have
really thought about this.
      (she frowns)
I see that.
Seriously. I can go and live on
the streets of San Francisco a
while. I can learn how to steal
cars and raid other peoples
refrigerators while they are not
home. Anywhere from there on I
can get a sex change and with a
good lawyer, probation.
I would have to represent you,
obviously the best lawyers are a
little out of our budget. I am
pretty sure I could get you life,
on a good day.
All of this for a couple free
beers? Is that what this is
about? Your manhood is
embarrassed so you want to jump
ship and join the other team? Let
me tell you there is a lot more to
being a woman than free beers and
better clothes! We have to put up


                       MOM (cont'd)
with Neanderthal men with octopus
hands. Dirty breath and smelly
armpits. Tell me the truth have
you ever fantasized about laying
naked on the beach with a naked
man with a giant ... you know ...
throbbing for you!
All of this for a couple free
beers? Is that what this is
about? Your manhood is
embarrassed so you want to jump
ship and join the other team? Let
me tell you there is a lot more to
being a woman than free beers and
better clothes! We have to put up
with Neanderthal men with octopus
hands. Dirty breath and smelly
armpits. Tell me the truth have
you ever fantasized about laying
naked on the beach with a hunk
that wants to take you from
Everyone kind of looks off to the side at the thought. Dad
frowned and the ouch look on his face.
Are you referring to that time in
Fort Lauder...
      (she had some
       shortness of
       breath as she
       gave him his eggs)
Yes dear. I think you should go
talk to the counselor at school.
Hillary enters the kitchen and gets herself some cereal.
      (as she pours some
       milk on her
Morning everyone! I am feeling on
top of the world!
your brother wants to have a sex


No!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to be
seeing his ugly face in the
I thought you were for the
transgender bathroom thing.
Not when its my brother! Yea
that's all I need, my brother
hanging with the girls.
You wouldn't invite me to your
girls pajama parties?
Only as a sacrifice!
I think he should go to the school
counselor and really think about
this. I don't think he is being
fair to himself or other women.
All right but it is $40.00 dollars
now. The counselor said it was
only free for the first 43 times
after that it is $40.00 a visit.
What about me? I need counseling.
I have been thinking about being
nice to Trump supporters. I have
this swirl of anger and
forgiveness that is constantly
You are not nuts Hillary, just
misguided. Your too nice and
smart to need
      (Jumps out of her
       chair and gets in
       Dads face


                       HILLARY (cont'd)
Help me! Help me! Now!
Dad falls backwards in his chair. He digs deep and quick
and passes each of them $40.00. Hillary and Sparky get up
from the table. They thank Dad and Mom and hurry out the
Sparky and Hillary leave the house with a brisk pace. Mom
comes to the front door as they are almost at the end of the
Kids! Kids! Come back here for
just a moment please.
The kids frown and walk slowly back to their mom.
I'll take $10.00 from each of you
to not expose you to your father.
The two kids look at each other knowing they were caught. So
they grudgingly gave her the money.
      (she waves to the
       kids as they
Have a great day at school. Try
not to grow boobs before you come
      (once mom had gone
       back inside)
I still have enough to get a bag
      (she smiles)
Me too!
They get on the school bus.


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From lisa gardner Date 2/5/2018 **1/2
Was this laugh-out-loud funny? No. But I did laugh. Comedies are hard. It's very hard to make people laugh. Story got a little stale once Hillary came in. Best of luck. Do an action comedy. Those really sell!

From Eating Sandwiches Date 7/31/2017 *1/2
You're not going to understand this rating. I had a fleshed out and very helpful feedback for you. But for some reason it wasn't good enough. 1.5 stars and not because of the subject matter. Good luck.

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