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The Danfields 2 Riot School
by Garry Hart (littlemanlawnserviceinc@yahoo.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review:

The Hillary takes a Riot Class at college and Dad discovers marijuana in his sons drawer.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


Mom and Hillary are driving along in their Ford Expedition.
They are caught in heavy traffic.
      (She is playing
       with various
Mom, I need a black ski mask. You
can't be an anarchist without a
      (Sipping her
       coffee as she
I am sure there are many
protesters out there that are
proud of who they are and what
they stand for.
      (Puzzled look on
       her face)
What? This has nothing to do with
pride. I want one because Dean
has one and he looks so cute when
he wears it. He looks a little
like that guy in Spider Man only I
am hoping he is more frisky!
      (Mom looks at her
       a little sideways)
You know they wear the masks to
avoid prosecution?
Mom! You are so out of touch!
Rioting is in the constitution.
They told us at the class intro
that it is only illegal if you
take your mask off in front of a
camera. As long as I keep the
mask on and hang with the group it
is totally "good". That's what
Dean said.


Has Dean ever been charged with
They charged him at the Trump
rally with obstruction of justice,
but that was only because he got
an itch and didn't realize there
was a camera right there. The
camera showed him clearly flicking
boogers at policeman. He will be
fighting that one for a while.
      (She stops at a
Assault with a deadly booger? I
am sure that will haunt him into
his adult years.
      (She looked off to
       the side)
He's a rebel Mom. I have seen him
with his black mask and skin tight
leotards...I want that rebel! I
mean he is a very righteous dude.
Righteous dude? Your dad is
beginning to affect you.
      (She turns into
       the college
       campus building.)
So who's idea was it to have a
class on protesting?
Mrs. Harper, she's the Music
professor. At the end of the
class she always does "hug" groups
were we all hug each other. Now
that I know about it I am going to
strategically place myself next to
Three students with ski masks surrounded the car and started
shaking the car. Mrs. Danfield screamed but Hillary rolled
down her window.


      (She sticks her
       head out the
You guys! You guys have been
practicing. Check out mom's face!
Lets go greet the Dean, Dean.
Hillary hops out and says good-by to her Mom. She runs off
with her friends.
Mom and Dad are sitting in the kitchen. Each have a cup of
coffee. Dad is having problems lighting the joint.
      (Struggles to
       light the joint)
Damn thing! This stuff is very
      (She takes the
       joint from him
       and tries to
       light it)
You never were very good at
rolling. He doesn't have a pipe
or something?
Here...pass it here.
Dad pulls out a dollar bill and rolls the joint tighter
inside the bill.
      (He lights the
       joint and takes a
       deep drag on it.)
      (Takes the joint)
It's been a long time since I
heard you say that.


      (He exhales)
Well... Bang Bang Baby. If you
want an intelligent answer you
better ask the question quickly.
I need $60.00 for Carolines baby
      (Mom takes a drag)
Too late! I am now officially
under the influence of drugs. It
means I cannot make a bonding
agreement, in the eyes of the law.
      (She passed the
       joint back)
I am sorry, I think you are
confusing me with the law. You
see I am the one that does your
laundry. Remember last year when
you kept breaking out in a rash
until you came to the realization
that maybe our boys sperm count
wasn't really as important as our
boy having a jock strap to wear at
school. Do you remember that
      (He took another
       deep drag, held
       it and exhaled.)
Boy do I remember it like it was
yesterday. I had to keep my
fingernails clipped until I
figured out what was going on.
      (She took a last
       hit and passed it
I would never judge you, but I
would make your life miserable.
      (He took a last
       drag and then put
       it out.)
Remind me later to give the money,
right now I need something eat. I


                       DAD (cont'd)
am thinking some toast with
cinnamon sugar on it. Maybe a
It's ten in the morning. The only
place that sells pizza at this
hour is 7-11.
I knew when I started finding
dirty magazines and internet porn
print outs between Sparky's
mattress that it wouldn't be long
before our little boy starts
bringing home the marijuana.
Sparky had porn in his room? So
how long do you think it will be
before he realizes someone is
taking his weed?
If he is anything like his father,
it could take a while. I can
assure you the kids have no idea
that I have had them under closer
surveillance than NSA since they
were born! Well I didn't really
think of it until Hillary was 2 or
3. I still have Sparky's "I Found
My Weiner" tape.
They both smiled for a minute and reminisced.
I took Hillary to school today, I
was surrounded by a bunch of
trained anarchists. Scared the
day lights out of me. They were
shaking the car and shouting Free
Bullets for everyone! Apparently
college students can't afford the
bullets for their new guns. Ain't
that a shame.
Kids these days are dummies.
Remember when we use to protest?
We didn't need no stinking class
at school to figure it out. We


                       DAD (cont'd)
just did it!
Remember when you peed on the
officers leg? We were tripping on
that Microdot!
      (They laughed)
Yea! Remember that salesman that
kept trying to sell us trip
      (She stand up)
This is a smoked baby back rib
moment baby! This is the first
buzz I have had in almost 15
I am on it. Quick! To the Bat
They get up and exit through the door to the garage.
There are several students sitting in chairs on the lawn. It
is a sunny morning. a teacher with a megaphone is directing
everyone to be seated.
      (Gesturing with
       her hands)
Class! We need to get started.
There is a lot to cover and we
have to review for the final next
week. We have a surprise speaker
today from Black Lives Matter. He
is going to tell it to us like it
is. Because this is America were
freedom of speech is a right!
Unless of course it offends me or
foreigners who may be wanting to
come to America for a chance to
help America become a little more
like them!

Lets start with a quick review.


                       TEACHER (cont'd)

Give me 5 ways you can derail a
conservative speaker! Quick!
Call them a racist before they
Very good Hillary. What else?
      (Raises his hand
       and speaks at the
       same time)
Shout "Quit pushing Grandma off
the cliff!"
That's good Dean, but most people
do not have that good a memory,
they don't remember last election
stuff. What else?
Global warming is going to get
And if they say there are no solid
facts to prove this; what will you
I don't need facts! Everybody who
is anybody believes its true and
that's good enough for me!
Very Good Hillary.

One more. Real quick.
Balancing the budget could mean
giving up my cell phone! Never!
You made that one up. I like it.

If you can get a Hitler comparison
in there, it's always good.


                       TEACHER (cont'd)

So if we have a big protest/riot
scheduled for 8 pm. When do we
get there?
Five o'clock so that we can get
all the good parking spots.
If they use a megaphone we use
Garbage cans!
If they use tear gas we use?
Preferably organically grown eggs.
What is a "hoopa-loopa"?
That's when we all surround a news
reporter and speak in tongues at
the same time.
If they use rubber bullets or
other crowd control equipment?
We yell police brutality and break
out our police brutality kits.
Being careful to not remove our
masks and use the fake blood first
for maximum effect.
Very good Dean. I can see that
you and Hillary have been paying

Ok. We will review some more at
our next class. Right now I would
like to introduce our next
speaker. Formerly convicted drug
trafficker and arms dealer, John
"Da Bomb" Johnson, is here


                       TEACHER (cont'd)
representing Black Lives Matter.
So lets give him a warm welcome
and let him see how diverse we
really are!
A tall black man walks up to the front of the class and
eye's the class suspiciously. Looking around and then
studying the back ground as everybody applauds him and
                       DA BOMB
I thank you for giving me a chance
to speak here and share some of
Black Lives Matter's beliefs and
policies with you.

There are those that think that
Black Lives Matter is just another
hate group. That we are all talk
and the Black man should be
grateful for the crumbs whitey has
thrown to us!

I can assure you that you have
under estimated us. Black Lives
Matter will not go away until
every black man, woman and child
have received proper restitution
for enslaving our ancestors!
      (Dean raised his
Who gets it and who pays it? and
how much?
                       DA BOMB
Whitey pays it. African Americans
get it. As much as we can.
Would all the black refugee's get
it from Haiti? My mom and dad
just came here, would they have to
pay too?
                       DA BOMB
Yes. Yes. I am going to make
your parents pay double if you
don't shut your dumb ass mouth up.


Cool! They really believe in
diversity too!
                       DA BOMB
Now, when you come to these
protests with Black Lives Matter
we welcome you but have a few
simple rules:

One - Please go to the rear of
march as we don't want whitey
blocking the view of a black
person trying to make a statement.

two - If you are going to the
protest with us; please be
considerate and sit in the rear of
the bus.

Three - no talking to the press.
That's our job, we feel like you
all have been speaking for us too
long now.

I would just like to say that it
is the establishments fault we are
all drug addicts. It is the
establishments fault that we have
the most violent crimes; and it is
the Establishment fault that our
children have no fathers, no
mothers and not enough programs.

I would further like to remind
everyone here of the suffering of
my great-great-great-grandfather
on my mothers side as a slave. To
this day it still hurts like it
was yesterday!
Have you thought about counseling?
                       DA BOMB
I am going to kick your ass! I
can see it coming.
Two campus security guards started coming towards them.
      (The teacher
       stands up


                       TEACHER (cont'd)
Class! Quick! When they get
here, on my word, do the
Da Bomb see's the campus police coming and starts to worry.
                       DA BOMB
      (To the teacher)
I may have to split.
It's Ok, this is a safe zone, no
one can hurt you here.
                       DA BOMB
I ran a pig over on the way here.
I would suggest putting your mask
on and not speaking any English.
Da Bomb put his mask on as the security guard approached.
Hillary man your phone video;
start streaming! Hold! Hold!
                       SECURITY GUARD
      (Approaches the
There is a car registered to John
                       DA BOMB
Da Bomb!
                       SECURITY GUARD
Yea...well... Da Bomb there is
parked in the Deans parking spot.
You have to move it or your going
to be towed.
                       DA BOMB
This is what I am talking about!
If I were a white woman with big
breasts you would turn a blind eye
wouldn't you?
                       SECURITY GUARD
What size breasts are we talking


That's pathetic. Hoopa-Loopa Now!
The security guard was surrounded by students screaming
nonsensical things like xenophobe and Nazi. The security
guard feeling threatened drew his tazor and after repeated
warnings, he tazors Da Bomb. The students were shocked for
a moment. The security guard called for backup as someone
in the class yelled "Police Brutality!" Kids started
dropping left and right with blood splattering that
resembled being bludgeoned. When campus backup came they
broke out the water hose.
Mom and Dad are sitting in the kitchen. You can hear Dean
dropping Hillary off outside. Hillary comes running in the
Dad! Mom! Dean and I are in the
news tonight.
Were you Seen sucking face with
Dean at a Rainbow event?
No Dad! It is perfectly alright
for us to "suck face" at a Rainbow
I know I would be offended. I am
offended when I see you two suck
face at the mall...parking
lot...pharmacy...Come to think of
it is there anywhere you haven't
sucked face?
I have a list.
That's my girl!
Mom puts the news on.
      (News anchor man.
       The screen showed
       the riots as
       Hillary had


                       ROCK (cont'd)
       filmed it.)
and today a riot broke out at HKU
or HiKU as the students call it.
During a speech by Black Lives
Matter activist , John 'Da Bomb'
Johnson, when a campus security
guard approached him about his
improperly parked vehicle; at
which time the security guard was
surrounded by angry shouting
students. The security guard
tasered a protester. Mayhem then
broke out as protesters started
dropping like fly's. Though no
gunshots were fired, evidence of
violence was everywhere, as blood
and students in agony, could be
heard everywhere. When backup
security arrived they were
reminded by Mrs. Tomkin, the riot
class instructor, that this was a
safe zone and that the use of
force would not be tolerated.

Things returned to normal again
when "Da Bomb" eluded security

Coming up next; a policeman is run
over by an African American, who
was obviously profiled and well
with in his rights to run the
officer over. Police are certain
that once they find the person
that ran him over and get the
video cam from him, it will clear
the African American. If anyone
has seen someone with a police
cam, please contact the local
police department.
That's very nice but where are you
and Dean?
I was filming the clip. It looks
like they clipped Deans part out
were he is wearing his mask and he
has his foot on the security
guard, dripping blood from his
fake gunshot wound.


I don't get it. You know in our
day when we wanted credits for
doing nothing we took classes like
basket weaving or did sex surveys;
now you guys sit around and
practice throwing fake blood on
each other. What is this world
coming too? I guess it is just
the natural evolution of
Well you need to go wash up. You
look like you just had lunch with
the Texas Chainsaw Murderer. You
are tracking blood everywhere.
A policeman see's the trail of blood leading to Hillary's
front door and calls for backup. They surround the house
while Mom, Dad and Hillary are talking.
      (Using a Megaphone
       from the
The house is surrounded. Come out
one at a time and lay down on the
front lawn with arms and legs
      (He sticks his
       head out the
Its alright Harley, it is just
Hillary coming back from Riot
Oh crap! Those kids really keep us
busy. Just the other day they
staged a "Colorado Combine" play,
I nearly took out the whole cast!
They were that good! Wouldn't
that be embarrassing to explain to
my boss!
I remember that! I started wearing
Kevlar t-shirts after that. Sorry
about the misunderstanding. You
know how Hillary is though.


They chuckled.
Oh yea! Oh yea...Hmmm. Anyway,
gotta go. Clean this mess up
little girl!


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