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The Morons meet the Vampire: This Misadventures of Ed and Skid
by Marvin Broadnax (william_bloody_evilie_02@yahoo.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Horror   User Review: **
Two morons face off against a vampire in this short film trailer leading up to a full feature film coming soon.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

EXT. FRONT YARD - DAY
                                                            
A young man sits on a swing with a young girl in his arms.
They are swinging and just laying there in peace.
                                                            
                       ED (over voice)
This is my life. Just me and wife.
Newly married. She's in school to
be a nurse and I...am a bag boy at
Thursday's Special Convenient
Store. We met at the store one
day, and been going out ever
since. Was married not long there
after. Life is good.....
                                                            
A young man around Ed's age comes running up and sprays them
with water making them jump up from their peaceful place.
They start laughing and chaseing the man all over the yard.
                                                            
                       ED (over voice)
That is Lenny. Better known to the
family as Skid. My wife thinks he
is just my retarded friend I'm
taking care of, since he's
retarded. The truth...is far more
complicated. Its better to let her
think this, I guess.
                                                            
Ed holds Skid down as his wife sprays Skid getting him back.
Life seems all perfect as they all are laughing, and it
fades out white.
                                                            
 
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
                                                            
Skid walks into the room where Ed and Amy are kissing. Skid
stops and clears his throat. Ed and Amy break their kiss and
smile as Amy who is facing Skid looks over Ed's shoulder at
him.
                                                            
                       AMY
Yes, Skid? What can we do for you?
                                                            
                       SKID
I umm...need to talk to Ed alone,
please.
                                                            
                       AMY
What about?
                                                            

2.

                       SKID
The snake in the backyard.
                                                            
Amy pushes away from Ed and runs to the corner of the room.
                                                            
                       AMY
      (Acting like a mad
       woman)
GO KILL IT! GO KILL IT!
                                                            
Ed starts laughing as he follows Skid out of the room and
into the back yard.
                                                            
 
EXT. BACKYARD - DAY
                                                            
Ed follows Skid out to the backyard. Skid stops and looks at
Ed who is looking for the snake with a bat in his hands
ready to use it.
                                                            
                       ED
Skid, where's the snake?
                                                            
                       SKID
At the zoo.
                                                            
                       ED
      (confused)
Skid, if there is no snake out
here. What do you want?
                                                            
                       SKID
I got a call from the agency. And
I needed to get you alone away
from Ams.
                                                            
                       ED
And you couldn't just ask to speak
to me alone?
                                                            
                       SKID
      (Smiling)
I could, but did ya see Ams? That
was priceless and now I know she
won't be coming out to listen in
on us.
                                                            
                       ED
Okay. So what's the news?
                                                            
                       SKID
I dunno, its not on yet.
                                                            

3.

Ed slaps his hand on his face and slides it down fustrated
with Skid right now, but regains himself to ask again.
                                                            
                       ED
Okay, let's try this a bit slower.
Skid, I'm wondering what the
agency wanted.
                                                            
                       SKID
Oh, why didn't you just ask that
then. A vampire is going to be in
the alley at the pizza palor
tonight. Wanted us to go down
there. Wonder why he'd be in the
alley of a pizza palor?
                                                            
                       ED
      (with his hand on
       his lips thinking)
Its not for the cheap pizza, I'm
sure. Well, I'll keep an eye on
the alley way, you just stay outta
sight tonight, okay?
                                                            
Skid smiles and nods.
                                                            
                       ED (cont'd)
      (serious)
I mean it. Stay outta sight.
                                                            
                       SKID
You know me.
                                                            
                       ED
That's what I'm afraid of. Well,
let's head back inside. It doens't
take this long to kill a snake.
                                                            
Ed walks back into the house.
                                                            
                       SKID
In the movies it takes those
people over an hour to kill a
snake.
                                                            
 

4.

EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT
                                                            
Ed is now dressed in black clothes and has a black hat on.
He holds a stake in his gloved hands. Across the street
sitting down in a pizza palor outside table is Skid eating
pizza. Skid is dressed in white shirt and blue jeans and is
eating the pizza making a mess all over himself. Ed slaps
his hand over his face in disappiontment at the sight.
                                                            
                       ED
      (To himself)
What part of stay outta sight does
he not understand?
                                                            
                       VAMPIRE
      (From behind Ed)
The fat slob couldn't keep his
mind off that cheap pizza.
                                                            
                       ED
Tell me about it. I can't believe
they sent him to help me. He's
alot of help.
                                                            
                       VAMPIRE
Only help he'd give ya is on
clearing full plate of food.
                                                            
                       ED
Yeah. It takes nearly all my check
each week to feed the slob.
                                                            
Ed suddenly turns around wondering who he was talking to and
the vampire hisses at him and pushes Ed out of the alley. Ed
trips on the sidewalk and falls into the street. The vampire
jumps and lands on him holding Ed down ready to kill him.
                                                            
                       VAMPIRE
      (In a low voice)
Hunters aren't welcome in the
king's town. And I'll go up in the
ranks for presenting him your
head. And after I kill you, I'll
take care of your fat friend.
                                                            
The vampire was so busy talking he didn't notice Skid walk
up behind him. Skid hits the vampire in the head with a
shovel knocking him off Ed.
                                                            
                       SKID
I got him, Ed. Didcha see? Huh,
hey didn'tcha see it? I went BAM!
and he flew off of you.
                                                            

5.

Ed gets up shaking his head at Skid as he watches the
vampire get up holding his head.
                                                            
                       VAMPIRE
Two on one, isn't fair is it? How
did you even hear me? I was
talking real low like, man!
                                                            
                       ED
      (Pointing to his
       ear, smiling)
Unlike my friend here, I use my
head.
                                                            
                       VAMPIRE
      (pacing back and
       forth with a
       fooled smile on
       his face)
An ear piece. Smart. Hehehe. Well
it still won't save you!
                                                            
The vampire lunges at Ed and SKid and a fight insues. Ed and
Skid block some hits but Skid ends up getting hit and Ed
hits the vampire and everyone stops long enough to regroup.
Skid is hunched over trying to catch his breath after that
short fight.
                                                            
                       SKID
      (breathing
       heaviely)
Why don'tcha just go home and we
do this tomorrow. I'm too tired to
keep going.
                                                            
                       ED
      (Slapping his hand
       on his face)
You never tell the vampire that,
man! Now you know he's going to
keep going.
                                                            
                       SKID
Sorry, I thought he might be one
of those good vampires.
                                                            
                       VAMPIRE
      (confused)
A good vampire? What kinda crack
have you been smoking boy.
                                                            
Before Skid can answer the vampire goes back after them and

6.

another fight starts up. The vampire throws Ed through the
air through a table, and then he goes after Skid. Skid runs
towards a building and the vampire holds him up against it.
                                                            
                       VAMPIRE (Cont'd)
      (a little outta
       breath from the
       fight)
You'll be a good feed fat boy.
Still think I'm a good vampire?
                                                            
Skid starts whimpering as the vampire closes in on his neck.
The vampire stops suddenly and backs up from Skid. Skid
slowly opens his eyes and clamps his hand around his neck
and starts smiling.
                                                            
                       ED
      (From behind the
       vampire)
I do believe your a good vampire.
Good and Dead. The best kind.
                                                            
                       SKID
      (Starts jumping
       around.)
I'M ALIVE! OH YEAH! THAT VAMPIRE
WAS NOTHING! COME ON BRING ON
ANOTHER ONE!
                                                            
Ed pulls the stake out of the vampires back and lets him
fall to the ground. Ed looks at Skid with a smirk as if
telling him to shut up.
                                                            
                       ED
Of course it was nothing for you.
All you did was cry like a little
baby. Still want to fight another
one? So you can cry some more and
have me do all the fighting and
killing?
                                                            
                       SKID
      (Smiling)
It was all apart of my plan. I was
just about to make my move. If you
would have given me two more
seconds, I would have gotten him.
                                                            
                       ED
And if frogs had wings he wouldn't
bump his butt. You were two
seconds away from having two holes
in your neck.
                                                            

7.

                       SKID
      (frowns and then
       smiles again)
Well it all worked out anyway
right? I'm alive, all not neck
holey and stuff and your okay. So
it's all okay.
                                                            
                       ED
But if you don't keep up, Skid,
one day I won't be there to save
you. You have to start thinking if
you wanna keep doing this for a
living, or else.
                                                            
                       SKID
      (With a serious
       smile)
Or else what, Ed?
                                                            
                       ED
      (With a serious
       sadness to his
       face, holding the
       stake to Skid's
       chest)
Or else I have to do what I do for
a living, Skid.
                                                            
Ed starts walking towards the table to clean it up before
anyone notices it. Skid stands there for a bit thinking
about what was just said.
                                                            
                       SKID
      (With a uneasy
       chuckle)
You wouldn't really kill me would
you, Ed?
                                                            
                       ED
      (Turning back
       towards Skid)
Skid, there are monsters in this
world wanting to take over. I have
devoted my life to make sure it
doesn't happen. You took the same
oath when you started with the
agency. If it came down to you
turning, I'd have to kill you. But
belive me, it would be one of the
hardest things I'd ever have to
do.
                                                            

8.

                       SKID
      (Smiling now)
So want some pizza?
                                                            
Ed can't help but smile after the seriousness of the moment
passes.
                                                            
                       ED
Sure Skid. Help me clean this up
first.
                                                            
They start cleaning up the table debris...
                                                            
 
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Amy is sitting on the couch as Ed and Skid coming walking.
She has a little worried look on her face, but sees Ed isn't
wearing black, but suspects those clothes are in the bag in
his hand, which he never lets her open. Amy smiles and walks
over wearing her robe and hugs Ed. Ed hands Skid the bag and
hugs his wife as they kiss.
                                                            
                       SKID
      (Faked yawn)
I guess that's my que to leave.
                                                            
Skid takes the bag and pats it letting Ed know its safe and
walks out of the room. Amy and Ed walk to the couch and Ed
sits down and Amy sitting in his lap.
                                                            
                       AMY
So another night of vampire
fighting?
                                                            
                       ED
      (Laughing)
Still think I'm the night crusader
or something? Could you really see
me fighting vampires with Skid?
                                                            
                       AMY
      (A little
       disappointed)
I guess not...
                                                            
                       ED
      (Smiling)
I can see the headlines now. Wife
busts husband as Night Crusader.
All along he was a bag boy, and
has a partner who is a mentally
retarded friend.
                                                            

9.

                       AMY
      (Playfully slaps
       Ed's
       shoulder,smiling)
Well ya don't have to mock me for
it. But can you blame me? You go
out everynight with a black bag,
that I'm not allowed to look into.
And Skid always follows you around
like a side kick or something.
                                                            
                       ED
I told you its just a bowling
ball. I've even shown you once
before. Believe me, if I saw a
vampire, I'd be running. You've
seen me fight babe.
                                                            
                       AMY
      (Laughing)
Yeah you fight like a girl.
                                                            
Ed starts tickling Amy making her squirm.
                                                            
                       ED
      (Smiling)
Like a girl huh? Huh? I can't hear
you.
                                                            
                       AMY
      (Laughing really
       hard)
Okay Okay I give. I give!
                                                            
Ed stops and just smiles at her.
                                                            
                       ED
Oh yeah still champion.
                                                            
                       AMY
      (Smiling)
Oh yeah? Come on to bed. To my
turf and see if ya can beat me
there.
                                                            
She stands up and pulls at him and they leave the room.
                                                            
 

10.

INT. TOMB - NIGHT
                                                            
A vampire king sits on a throne eating some fruit from a
bowl on the arm of the chair. The room is otherwise empty of
people. The door to the room opens and the bulter walks in
and bows before the king.
                                                            
                       VAMPIRE KING
Yes?
                                                            
                       BULTER
      (Slowly standing
       up)
One of your lower subjects was
murdered by the local hunter.
                                                            
The king knocks the bowl off the arm of the chair as he
yells in digust of the news.
                                                            
                       VAMPIRE KING
      (Angery)
Three days into coming into power
and still vampires think they
don't have to answer to me!
                                                            
                       BULTER
Actually, your highness, he was
going to kill them to bring their
heads to you for a gift.
                                                            
                       VAMPIRE KING
      (Turning his anger
       towards the
       Bulter)
BUT I SAID NO ONE IS TO TOUCH
THEM!
                                                            
                       BULTER
      (Bowing again)
Sorry sir. But he thought if we
don't take the fight to these two,
we will just keep getting hunted.
He was only looking out for you,
your highness.
                                                            
                       VAMPIRE KING
      (Standing up.)
I am the king here. NO ONE LOOKS
OUT FOR ME! My job is to look out
for all of you lower beings who
are other wise no match for
hunters. Its why vampires have
existed this long. The Kings and
            (MORE)

11.

                       VAMPIRE KING (cont'd)
Masters have always taken care of
the hunters so vampires like them
could eaisly feed on humanity like
a free buffet.
                                                            
                       BULTER
So sir, how do we deal with this?
                                                            
The vampire king puts a hand to his lips and starts pacing a
bit thinking.
                                                            
                       VAMPIRE KING
This shouldn't go unpunished. Both
vampires and the hunters will have
to feel my wrath or else The
Master will remove me from power.
That's for sure. Leave now and do
punishment Six to all vampires in
this haven.
                                                            
                       BULTER
      (a little shocked)
Y-yes sir. I'll carry out that
harse punishment. And the hunters?
                                                            
The king has stopped pacing and looks at the gothic cross
above his thrown.
                                                            
                       ED (over voice)
I think its about time we meet.
                                                            
 
INT. DINING ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Ed and Amy are sitting at a table eating some breakfast.
                                                            
                       AMY
      (Smiling)
Yes, its about time you meet my
professor.He's wondering why your
not in college from that test you
took in my book.
                                                            
                       ED
      (Smiling)
What can I say, everyone wants me.
                                                            
                       AMY
So what time can I set up for you
two to meet? Have any free time?
                                                            

12.

                       ED
I have a free lunch break next
wednesday. I'll drive over to the
university and have lunch with you
two.
                                                            
                       AMY
Okay, I'll set it up.
                                                            
                       ED
      (looking at his
       watch)
Well, you better hurry or your
going to be late for school babe.
                                                            
Amy smiles and stands up fully dressed for school where as
Ed is in his robe. She walks over and kisses him.
                                                            
                       AMY
You better hurry or else you will
be late for work.
                                                            
                       ED
I will babe.
                                                            
                       AMY
Are you sure Skid is okay being
left in the park while you work?
                                                            
                       ED
Give that guy a box of toys and
he's set all day long. Don't
worry, better hurry up and go or
you'll be late.
                                                            
Amy kisses Ed and starts walking towards the door, and stops
at the counter to pick up her books.
                                                            
                       AMY
      (smiles)
Okay, I'll see ya at five?
                                                            
                       ED
      (Smiles)
Not if you don't get outta here
now.
                                                            
                       AMY
Okay, Love ya and I'm gone.
                                                            
                       ED
I love you too, babe.
                                                            

13.

Amy smiles and runs out of the room grabbing her keys on the
way out the door. A few minutes later Skid comes strolling
in half asleep.
                                                            
                       SKID
Ams leave already?
                                                            
                       ED
      (reach for the
       remote)
Yeah, just left.
                                                            
Ed turns on the tv and cuts on the news. A reporter comes on
the tv reporting the news. The man and woman are happy like
all reporters seem to be.
                                                            
                       NEWS MAN
Welcome to Wake Up Looney
Binsville. And do we have some
news today. In the headlines a man
ecapes yestery from the Looney
Binsville looney bin and was found
murdered last night. Or was it
self defense? Well as the cops say
it, it was self defense and won't
be looking for the person who
killed this man.
                                                            
                       NEWS WOMAN
Just another bright and shiny day
here in Looney Binsville. In other
news, a car crash kills all but
the one who caused it. Cops say it
is a new form of sucide, but for
this guy it just didn't work. As
they hauled the guy to jail he was
laughing and was happy about what
he had done. And the funny thing
is the guy was smoking all the way
to the jail cell.
                                                            
                       NEWS MAN
Guess they'll give anyone a
cigerette nowadays to comfort
them.
                                                            
                       NEWS WOMAN
No, his body was smoking. As if he
was on fire.
                                                            
                       NEWS MAN
      (Laughing)
Just don't tell me you think he's
            (MORE)

14.

                       NEWS MAN (cont'd)
a vampire like the rest of this
town seems to believe we're over
run with. The same story that
spawned the mystery man in black
the tabloids are going crazy over.
                                                            
                       NEWS WOMAN
Don't believe in vampires?
                                                            
                       NEWS MAN
No, but authur Bob Domeno sure
does. In his new book "Vampires
Are Among Us" tells of a chain
that vampires must follow from
pauge, whatever that is, to
Master. If your into vampires or
curious to what a "pauge" is, pick
up the book in stores today.
                                                            
Ed cuts off the tv and goes back to eat his cereal but Skid
had already taken it and finished most of it. Ed gets up and
goes to fix him another bowl.
                                                            
                       SKID
What is a Pauge?
                                                            
                       ED
Its the lowest form of vampire.
Something like we fought last
night. Their newly turned and are
the weakest kind.
                                                            
                       SKID
And Masters are the strongest?
                                                            
                       ED
Yes, but don't worry we won't be
meeting one. There very few of
them, but each town, or haven, has
a king, most likely we'll meet one
of them first.
                                                            
Ed walks back to the table and starts eating.
                                                            
                       SKID
So gotta go to work today? Or
what?
                                                            
                       ED
Yeah.
                                                            
                       SKID
And me to the park?
                                                            

15.

                       ED
Well, I can't take you to work
anymore. Last time you got in a
cart and grabbed a broom and went
"cart rowing" down the aisle and
almost got me fired. Your banned
from the store.
                                                            
                       SKID
I can't come even if I promise to
be good?
                                                            
                       ED
Do you even know what "be good"
means?
                                                            
                       SKID
No, but I can look it up in the
dictionary.
                                                            
                       ED
      (leaning on his
       hand which cover
       his face after
       that comment.)
Why did the agency ever put you in
the field? Shouldn't you like be
in a cage being studied?
                                                            
                       SKID
Oh I was. Just they couldn't find
anything else out other than I'm
human, and since i was being paid
they thought they'd put me in the
field to earn my checks.
                                                            
                       ED
      (Smiling)
Go get your toys. We'll be leaving
soon.
                                                            
                       SKID
      (Running out of
       the room)
YAY
TOYZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
                                                            
                       ED
Why didn't the agency get the
body? I'm going to have to go by
there before work and see what's
wrong.
                                                            

16.

Ed gets up and leaves the room.
                                                            
 
EXT. AGENCY - DAY
                                                            
Ed and Skid pull up in front of a small building thats
wrecked. Ed stops the car and both rush out and look over
the debris before them.
                                                            
                       SKID
Do you think they made it out
alive?
                                                            
                       ED
I don't know, but stay here. I'll
go in and check it out.
                                                            
Ed goes into the wrecked building leaving Skid outside.
                                                            
                       SKID
      (Nervous)
I think it would be better if we
stuck
together....but...ummm....please
hurry up.
                                                            
Skid keeps looking around the empty streets nervously. All
of a sudden Ed is thrown out onto the car. Skid rushes over
to check on him and help him slowly get up.
                                                            
                       ED
      (Standing up
       holding his
       stomach)
Ow.
                                                            
                       SKID
What happened? Are you alright?
                                                            
Ed keeps his eyes fixed on the building and Skid looks and
sees The Vampire King standing there just out of the
sunlight's gaze.
                                                            
                       SKID (cont'd)
Whose he?
                                                            
                       VAMPIRE KING
Let me introduce myself....
                                                            
                       SKID
      (Cutting in)
Please do, cause I don't know who
you are. Your like new and stuff.
                                                            

17.

                       VAMPIRE KING
      (getting angery
       but continues
       anyway)
My name is Sir Michael. I am the
vampire king of this town's haven.
                                                            
                       SKID
      (goes to walk
       towards the
       vampire with his
       hand out.)
Well it was nice to mee....
                                                            
Ed pulls Skid back.
                                                            
                       ED
He's the VAMPIRE king, Skid. He'd
kill you if he could come out
here. Stay back.
                                                            
                       VAMPIRE KING
      (looking over
       them.)
You two are the hunters?
HAHAHAHAHA! This is funny.
                                                            
                       SKID
Why?
                                                            
                       VAMPIRE KING
You two killed the last vampire
King this town had. But you two
are morons. And killed one of my
subjects last night. Either this
is just a joke, or you two lucked
up. Which is it?
                                                            
                       SKID
Well the last one died in the
hands of Ed here, last night we...
                                                            
                       ED
      (cutting in)
Skid, shut up.
                                                            
The vampire starts laughing as Skid looks at Ed confused as
to why he has to shut up.
                                                            
                       ED (cont'd)
Come on Skid. Let's go.
                                                            

18.

                       SKID
Bye Mr Vampire. We'll have to
continue this later.
                                                            
Ed and Skid go to the car and open the doors and stop and
look at the vampire one more time.
                                                            
                       VAMPIRE KING
      (laughing)
I'll be seeing you two, real soon.
                                                            
Ed and Skid get in the car and drive off.
                                                            
 
EXT. PARK - DAY
                                                            
Ed and Skid sit on a park bench.
                                                            
                       SKID
So what we going to do, Ed?
                                                            
                       ED
I don't know.
                                                            
                       SKID
What we going to do without the
local agency?
                                                            
                       ED
I don't know.
                                                            
                       SKID
What we going to do about the
vampire king whose after us?
                                                            
                       ED
      (exhales deeply in
       pain)
I don't know, Skid.
                                                            
                       SKID
Can I have a hotdog?
                                                            
                       ED
I don't...kn...Hey!
                                                            
Ed looks at Skid whose smiling.
                                                            
                       SKID
So can I?
                                                            
                       ED
Sure. Here get me one, too.
                                                            

19.

Ed gets out his wallet and gives Skid some money to go buy
some hotdogs. Skid walks off as Ed just sits there thinking.
                                                            
                       ED
No agency. A city full of
monsters. And two hunters. God
this sucks.
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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From Justin Eisenstadt Date 5/12/2005 **
It certainly has potential...there's no real coherency between scenes, but the characters promise to be hilarious, and the premise is fairly sound. Perhaps add in some more background humor? It was also be easier to understand what you're trying to express if you explain more about the characters and the scenes.

From Bobby Date 4/30/2005 **1/2
Based on the title alone, it's more of a comedy than horror. In addition, fix spelling such as (OV) and grammatical errors.


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