Screenwriter Community |
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by James Martin (jim@mama.com.au)
Rated: 
Genre: Comedy
User Review: 
One Bang Deserves Another is an romantic comedy about an unscrupulous property developer who underestimates the creative intelligence of kilt wearing gay guy.
This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
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GAZUMPED
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FADE IN:
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INT. FIVE STAR HOTEL BALLROOM - NIGHT |
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The end of another advertising award ceremony. The last of
the tipsy advertising stragglers cling to each other on the
dance floor for physical and emotional support. The lyrics
of George Michael's "Fast Love" echo through the night.
"Looking for some education, made my way into the night, all
the bullshit conversation well baby can't you read the
signs". Jack Diamond CEO of Ad Agency Bang Creative is full
of booze and bad manners. Staggering his way across the
dance floor with an equally intoxicated female. |
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JACK
Come on let's check out the gym. |
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GIRL #1
Isn't it a bit late for a workout. |
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JACK
Well it's the only way i can hear
heavy breathing again. |
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Interior of Gym, dim lights and some dumb bells are
scattered on the floor. |
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JACK
Some dope left the dumb bells out
on the floor. |
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GIRL #1
Oooh. Oooh. There you are. |
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JACK
Maybe this will help. |
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GIRL #1
Hmmm, nice, nice. That's not so
nice. Slow down. |
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2.
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JACK
Since when did sex have a speed
limit. |
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GIRL #1
Just a couple of speed bumps, ooh,
that your hands are feeling. |
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GIRL #1
(moaning)
That's it. That's it. |
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Suddenly the door to the gymnasium opens. Two gay men enter
the dark room. |
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GAY #1
Hullo! Hullo! Is anyone there? |
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GAY #2
It's alright, come on. Come to
Harry, you big brute. |
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There's a scuffle as Jack and his lady friend race to put on
their clothes. The zipper on Jack's trousers gets snapped
up. A moment of silence. |
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JACK
Shit! Oh Bloody shit! |
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JACK
It was my dick being caught in my
fly, arsehole. |
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GAY #2
Oh! Want any help sweetie. |
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The mystery lady laughs uncontrollably and disappears into
the night.
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3.
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Jack follows and searches everywhere. He finally gives up
the search. It's cold, his groin aches; he hobbles towards
the exit to grab a taxi. |
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INT. BANG CREATIVE, JACK DIAMOND'S FUNKY AD AGENCY. - DAY |
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Intercut, split screen. Location one, Reception Bang
Creative, a busy funky reception area. |
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ROSIE
Good morning, Bang Creative. Hello
Mr. Goldstein. |
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Rosie, Bang Creative receptionist, is a Pam Anderson look
alike. |
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Intercut, split screen. Location two, Sam Goldstein at his
architect's office. |
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Sam Goldstein is a property developer. A Danny Devito on
steroids. Short, nasty and stutters when he is either
extremely nervous or angry. His emotional prop, his
attentive dog, Bow Bow, a British Bull Terrier. |
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ROSIE
How are you Mr. Goldstein? |
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SAM
Any fitter and I would be
dangerous. |
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ROSIE
What's your secret? |
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ROSIE
How can I help you Mr. Goldstein? |
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SAM
Has Jack arrived yet? |
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ROSIE
He's been on a conference call
since he arrived early this
morning, Mr. Goldstein. |
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4.
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SAM
Really. An hour and half on the
phone. Rosie, tell that dead-beat
to call me when he arrives, I'm at
the architect's office 555 39 89
22. |
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Goldstein is sitting across the boardroom table at his
architect's office. A scale model of a residential tower is
in front of them. |
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SAM
I can never get that bastard
Diamond when I want him. |
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Amanda Storey, budding architect, is a super sexy
"Rockwellier" with lips, tits and hips. Honest, loyal and
with a great sense of fair play. |
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SAM
Busy my arse. He's probably been
on the piss all night, again. |
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SAM
He'll screw anything with two
legs. |
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AMANDA
Sounds like he doesn't want to
limit his options. |
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SAM
I suspect he practices a lot on
his own. |
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Amanda laughs. Bow Bow takes opportunity to attach himself
to her leg and starts humping it again. Amanda tries to
shake the dog off, but he is very intent, as usual. |
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SAM
(tugging on the
dog leash)
Cut it out Bow Bow.Did you send the perspectives and
building brief to the Ad Agency? |
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5.
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AMANDA
Middle of last week. |
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SAM
I want you at the presentation
with me. |
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SAM
(standing to leave
Amanda's office)
I'll get back to you as soon as I
get hold of Diamond. |
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Fades to black. |
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INT. RECEPTION ENTRY BANG CREATIVE - DAY |
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ROSIE
Good morning Jack, how are you? |
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JACK
I feel like shit, but thanks for
asking. |
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ROSIE
So the function went well? |
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ROSIE
Coffee? .. strong black? |
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JACK
Please. My head feels like a
cockatoo's been tap dancing on my
brain and he just finished the
night off by shitting on my
(MORE)
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6.
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ROSIE
Sounds delightful. Here's your
coffee. |
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ROSIE
Sam Goldstein. Trying to track you
down, he has called three times
and he sounds pissed off. |
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JACK
What's new? He stutters when he's
pissed off or nervous, was he….? |
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ROSIE
(mimics Sam's
stutter)
Fuck yes! |
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JACK
A while ago, Goldstein ran out of
cigarettes. He asked this really
attractive chick – he said, Please
may I have a fffffff ..she slapped
his face and walked off before he
could finish the word "fag". |
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ROSIE
Good morning Bang Creative,
transferring you now. One moment
please. Jack. |
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ROSIE
The number cruncher wants to sees
you. He says it's urgent. |
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JACK
Sounds serious. Thanks. |
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INT. BANG CREATIVE FINANCIAL DIRECTOR'S OFFICE - DAY |
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7.
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JAMES
Worrying. Things don't look good. |
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JAMES
Very ominous. We lost those big
accounts recently. Clients are not
paying us on time and cash flow is
shit house. |
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JACK
We are already down to skeleton
staff. We are working on a few
pitches at the moment. |
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JAMES
If you don't pull something out
the bag we are going down. |
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JACK
Shit, how do we get out of this
mess? |
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JAMES
Get more billable clients or win
lotto. |
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JACK
I like my chances of winning lotto
better. |
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JACK LEAVES JAMES'
OFFICE. |
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JACK
Morning Pete, have you seen Ceril? |
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MALE STAFF
He's in the bathroom. |
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Jack enters the bathroom. Ceril, facing the urinal, is
pushing the pleats into line. Ceril is dressed in his kilt
and ruffled shirt (his signature daily attire even though he
is not Scottish).
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Ceril Artes, is Senior Creative Director of Bang Creative.
Deliciously gay, very clever, quick witted, over the edge
creative talent with an acid tongue. Jack's confidant. |
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JACK
Good morning Ceril. Finished
shaking hands with the great
unemployed? |
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CERIL
MY! My! Don't you look a treat,
big night? |
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CERIL
Meet anyone interesting? |
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JACK
The love of your life. |
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CERIL
And who pray might that be? |
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CERIL
What was Harry doing? |
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JACK
You mean who was Harry doing
there? |
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JACK
Fucking around as usual. |
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CERIL
My god! You can be SO brutal. |
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JACK
Harry is so far in the closet he
could be Narnina. |
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9.
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CERIL
Bitchy – Bitchy. So was anyone
attracted to your charming,
magnetic personality? |
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CERIL
She wasn't by any chance carrying
a white cane? |
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JACK
I got lucky. I was the only
heterosexual with a pulse left
standing. |
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JACK
I know your sex life has been
going through a drought, but your
fascination about my fornication. |
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CERIL
I love to know how you straights
play the field. So.. |
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JACK
Well the spirit was willing, but
the flesh was weak. |
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CERIL
You had an erectile malfunction? |
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JACK
Malfunction? More like
dysfunction. |
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10.
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CERIL
Not even her first name? |
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JACK
Disappointed, I think. |
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CERIL
So where is "miss disappointed"? |
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JACK
Away with the fairies. |
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CERIL
That's positive. Don't you want to
know? |
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JACK
Sorry. The brain has gone into
overdraft. |
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INT. BANG CREATIVE BOARDROOM BRIEFING - DAY |
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JACK
Talking about shit, what's
happening today? |
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CERIL
We are working on the brief for
Sam Goldstein's new project. |
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JACK
That environmental rapist. |
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CERIL
More like a serial rapist, he's
such a sweetie. |
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JACK
The sweetie who was rejected at
birth by his natural parents and
raised by wolves. |
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11.
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JACK
So what's he up to this time? |
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CERIL
Same old shit just a better
location. |
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JACK
Haven't we heard that one before. |
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The Bang Creative Boardroom has top notch designer
furniture, industry awards all over the walls and
state-of-the-art plasma and sound system. On the boardroom
table are the briefing notes, rough layouts and conceptual
design work for their review. |
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JACK
Who are the schmucks he’s
targeting this time? |
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CERIL
The schmucks, with a lot of money. |
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JACK
That target market are no
schmucks, I’m amazed he’s brave
enough to try. |
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JACK
It’s not his style! He always go
for the lower demographic. |
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JACK
Are we talking about the right Sam
Goldstein? |
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CERIL
Unbelievable but true. |
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JACK
What’s he calling it? |
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12.
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JACK
When it rains it pours, "rain"? |
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CERIL
(camping it up)
No like the Queen's rule, REIGN. |
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JACK
Different .. its got potential
I like it. |
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CERIL
Its got water views. |
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JACK
Knowing Sam – you’ll have to
stretch your head out of the
window to see the water views. |
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JACK
That’s if someone farts. |
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CERIL
Cynical! Cynical! Very cynical
this morning. |
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JACK
(grabs his groin)
Sorry, a lot on my mind. |
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Ceril unrolls the set of architectural plans across the
boardroom table. |
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CERIL
It’s a very smart building, smart
design, smart technology and smart
floor plans – good finishes! |
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JACK
How the hell did he do it. I'm
impressed. |
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13.
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JACK
I always thought Goldstein did for
the development industry what the
Titanic did for winter cruising. |
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CERIL
(laughs)
You've got to admit the
architecture is stunning. |
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Ceril pulls the artist perspectives of the building out of a
tub rolling it out on the table before Jack. |
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JACK
Who’s the architect? |
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CERIL
Someone new.A.S. Designs. Sounds like a small
outfit. |
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JACK
Why doesn’t that surprise me?
Goldstein always employs someone
he can screw right down in price.
Remember the last poor bastard.
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CERIL
Why wouldn't I, he was such a
beautiful boy. |
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JACK
He was such a cowboy. He didn’t
know his arse from his head. |
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CERIL
Oh! I think he did. |
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JACK
(Laughing hard)
Sorry I asked. What’s the budget? |
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CERIL
Not fixed yet. Wants our
suggestions. |
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JACK
He wants results – without
spending any money. That’s the
Goldstein budget guideline. |
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14.
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CERIL
My gut feeling is its going to be
different this time. |
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JACK
Any research commissioned? |
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JACK
Goldstein is either the world’s
greatest living optimist or he’s
severely shortsighted. |
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Ceril nods in agreement. |
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JACK
So what are we working with? |
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CERIL
Upscale, empty nesters, high net
worth, married and this will
probably be the fourth or fifth
apartment they will buy. |
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JACK
Are these the thoughts on the
creative? |
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CERIL
Yep. These are some rough layouts,
storyboards and digital concepts.
What do you think? |
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JACK
(Pausing to
consider the work
before him)
These are good. Fuck, these are
good. |
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Intercut spilt screen. Location one. The telephone rings in
the boardroom, it's an internal call from Rosie. |
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15.
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CERIL
Yes Rosie.
(puts his hand
over the receiver)
It's the colon on two legs |
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CERIL
That's the one. The arsehole wants
to speak to you. |
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CERIL
Thanks Jack, thanks a lot! Put
him through Rosie.
Hello, Ceril Artes speaking. |
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Intercut spilt screen. Location Two Exterior Day:
Sam Goldstein in his chauffeur driven car, which is slowly
motoring down the same street as Bang Creative's offices.
Interior car: Sam Goldstein with salivating dog, Bow Bow.
Sam is speaking on his cell phone. |
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SAM
I know who’s fucking speaking,
where’s that arsehole Diamond? |
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CERIL
He’s not in at the moment. |
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SAM
Ooh bullshit! I’m on cell phone
and I can see his bloody Porsche
in your car park. |
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CERIL
It’s broken down, he’s using a
rental. |
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SAM
In that case why is one of the
staff driving it out of the space
now? |
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16.
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SAM
Big fucking oohh! Don’t bullshit a
bullshitter.
(Sam pulls at the
dog chain and the
dog yelps.) |
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SAM
(stuttering
heavily)
Tell that sniveling advertising
wanker that I'm going to be
spending a lot of money on the
campaign. I want a campaign that
sells, something with balls. None
of this arty farty crap he's been
dishing up in the past. |
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SAM
Little wonder, it made my piles
bleed. |
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SAM
I’ll be in on Friday 3.00pm with
the architect. |
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SAM
That should give Diamond enough
time to pull his head out of his
arse and give me something decent.
Okay. |
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SAM
And for once in his life tell him
to be there on time. |
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17.
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SAM
Drop the skirt for Friday, buy a
suit, see you then.
(Hangs up) |
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CERIL
That bastard. I don't wear a skirt
it's my best "Pringle" kilt. He
is such a fucking shit. Excuse my
language. |
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JACK
Forget him. He’s full of shit.
He’s been putting suppositories in
the wrong end of his anatomy for
years. |
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CERIL
I wish one of them would explode! |
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JACK
Image the mess. When's D-Day? |
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INT. BANG CREATIVE D-DAY 3PM - THE PRESENTATION - DAY |
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The boardroom is like a creative war zone. All the creative
arsenal has been set up to win, bamboozle and impress the
client.
Jack Diamond looks sharp. Picture book ad man with an
Armani suit, crisp white shirt and cross over tie.
Ceril Artes has lost the kilt. Looks very stylish in John
Paul Gaultier suit. And very nervous about the presentation. |
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JACK
(entering the room)
Everything okay? |
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CERIL
Yeah! Do you think I should be
here? |
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18.
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CERIL
You know Goldstein has got a thing
against gender blenders. |
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JACK
You mean because you are gay? |
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CERIL
What oh what gave it away?! |
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JACK
You are staying, if he doesn’t
like it .. fuck him. |
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CERIL
Thanks for the offer, but no
thanks. |
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JACK
I don’t know what he’s got against
you. |
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CERIL
Whatever it is it’s not very big.
That’s why he spends so much of
his time building those phallic
symbols. |
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JACK
I wish he would accept your
talent. |
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CERIL
He’s emotionally out to lunch on
whatever I do. |
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JACK
You've pulled him out of the shit
so many times. |
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CERIL
He's an ungrateful son of a bitch. |
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JACK
God gave him a spiritual bypass. |
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CERIL
More like a lobotomy! |
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Intercut spilt screen. Location one.
Boardroom telephone rings. Jack answers the internal call. |
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Intercut spilt screen. Location two - reception. |
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19.
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ROSIE
Hello Mr. Diamond, Mr Goldstein is
here to see you. |
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Sam enters the boardroom with Bow Bow (his dog) in tow. He
drops the leash.
Bow Bow trots over to the potted plant in the boardroom,
cocks his leg and relieves on the plant. Not much but enough
to mark his territory.
No one says anything about it. |
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JACK
How have you been doing? |
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SAM
Been doing - doing just fine! |
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SAM
How could I forget. Good to see
you lost the dress. |
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CERIL
You mean my fornication garment. |
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JACK
Where’s your architect? |
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SAM
She’s obviously running late. Did
you get all the information on the
development? |
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| |
JACK
It's impressive. Very impressive,
we used the working drawings to
develop our concepts. |
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20.
|
| |
JACK
We have come up with a campaign
that is engaging, memorable and
above all else, its created to
sell your development.
How? By sticking to one clear
idea, that will cut through the
clutter and transcend from press
to television to the internet.
It emotionally connects with the
consumer, yet powerful enough to
touch their lives and motivate
them to buy.
Your target market is the upscale
NEOs, stressed out, time poor and
sick of the fluff that advertising
generates.
The name REIGN gives your
development a point of difference.
Here is the execution of the
campaign.
(Jack flicks the
remote to play
the television
commercial on the
wall mounted
plasma screen) |
|
|
|
THERE IS A COMPLETED SHORT FILM PRESENTATION FOR THE
CREATIVE CONCEPTS FOR THE CAMPAIGN FOR REIGN APARTMENTS.
VISUAL
Camera pans across the water and stops at a point where it
appears that something is about to emerge. Slowly you see
the head and shoulders of a beautiful woman aged around 30
years very Elle MacPherson in appearance. The dress clings
to her wet body as she emerges from the water and starts to
walk towards the shoreline. The building is shown in the
foreground, the talent is heading towards the building.
AUDIO
Amid the hypnotic beauty of the waterfront we have created a
new world of opulence designed for those with a taste for
consummate luxury and style. Welcome to the world of Reign.
VISUAL
Camera pans up and around the scale model of the building
and showcases the waterfront location and surrounding views.
AUDIO
|
21.
|
Residences that take you to a new level of sophistication.
Reign is a tall steel and glass edifice that rises about the
shores of this city’s most prominent neighbourhood.
VISUAL
Camera pans through the virtual apartments with the talent
walking through. She is disrobing as she moves.
AUDIO
Here you can indulge yourself in the most sumptuous
comforts.
VISUAL
Camera tracks talent moving into the private spa retreat of
the virtual apartment.
AUDIO
Where every possible luxury has been integrated into your
penthouse. An expedition into a world of sensory arousal,
tracking along a vein of authenticity and provenance. A
world of private entertainment and indulgences awaits you
now.
VISUAL
Talent now nude is standing with back to camera is looking
out to sea. Camera captures the beauty of the naked female
and the spectacular views.
AUDIO
Saviour the moment … live the dream … Reign supreme
VISUAL
Screen goes black. Visual presentation ends.
Back to the people in the boardroom. |
|
|
| |
SAM
I like it!
(When Sam starts
to sound elated
the dog starts to
bark) |
|
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| |
JACK
This was Ceril’s concept. |
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22.
|
| |
SAM
The conception was immaculate. |
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JACK
I’m positive it will. |
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JACK
We excel in tough markets. |
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SAM
You are talking out of your arse. |
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SAM
That too. If you think I'm going
to spend $50 million on a
campaign, just on your say so,
you've got to be kidding. |
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| |
JACK
So, what do you suggest? |
|
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| |
SAM
Bottom line media, internet,
direct mail, you know, low budget
stuff. |
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| |
JACK
Tight arse. Last time you tried
this you nearly went belly up. |
|
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23.
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| |
SAM
Look Jack, you are probably right,
but I feel uncomfortable spending
that sort of money. If it goes
pear shaped the only bastard who
makes any money is you. |
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| |
JACK
So what is the problem? |
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SAM
So, blow it out of your arse. |
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JACK
Okay, how about a deal. |
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JACK
I'll pay for the campaign –
production, media placements,
in-house costs, you know, the
works. |
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JACK
When it works, let's us at 30%
sales achieved, that's when you
get the bank finance kicking in,
you pay me double of all campaign
expenses to date. |
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| |
SAM
That sounds feasible - double or
nothing. |
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CERIL
It's financial suicide, you can't
afford it, Jack. |
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24.
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| |
CERIL
Jack it’s far too risky.
Remember the time the hooker told
you, your organ was too small and
you said “I didn’t know I was
going to be playing the
cathedral”! That was small time
shit, compared to this, now you
want to play in the Vatican. It’s
a big risk. |
|
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| |
JACK
The risk is not taking any risk at
all. |
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|
Ceril holds his hand over his mouth while whispering into
Jack's ear. |
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| |
CERIL
It’s a sucker’s deal -
It’s all in Sam’s court. |
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SAM
Ceril, shut the fuck up!!
(Bow Bow growls at
Ceril) |
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CERIL
Piss off you ugly bastard. |
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JACK
Okay Sam. It's a deal. |
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CERIL
Tragic. Oh Jack dont you
understand why Rusian Roulette
never caught on as a mainstream
hobby. |
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| |
SAM
I’ll have my attorneys draw up the
paperwork. |
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SAM
When can you get the campaign up
and running? |
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25.
|
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|
Intercut spilt screen. Location one.
Boardroom telephone rings. It is an internal call from
Rosie. Ceril answers the phone. |
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| |
CERIL
Yes Rosie. There's an Amanda
Storey here. |
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|
Amanda Storey struts into the boardroom. |
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| |
AMANDA
Hello Bow Bow!
(Bow Bow runs over
to Amanda and
starts to hump
her leg.)
Off - Bow Bow. |
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| |
CERIL
Hello I'm Ceril Artes, creative
director. |
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| |
SAM
Amanda, is the architect on the
project. |
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| |
AMANDA
Nice to meet you Ceril. Sorry, I’m
so late, the traffic was dreadful,
road works on Main Street. |
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| |
CERIL
(Pointing to the
dog, who is still
trying to hump
her leg)
You seem to have Bow Bow well
trained. |
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|
Sam picks up the leash and wrenches Bow Bow off Amanda. |
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| |
AMANDA
Hi Sam.
(Amanda is trying
to clean off the
dog drool from
her suit) |
|
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|
Jack is busy scribbling figures, he hasn’t looked up to see
Amanda. |
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26.
|
| |
CERIL
This is our Illustrious leader,
Jack Diamond. |
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| |
JACK
(Looks up)
Hello, Jack Diamond. |
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JACK
I think we have met at a business
function a while back. |
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JACK
It was an urban development
function – wasn’t it? |
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| |
SAM
Those morons getting together is
not business, it's mental
masturbation at it's worst. |
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| |
JACK
Anyway how have you been Amanda? |
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| |
AMANDA
Firing on all cylinders. |
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| |
JACK
So you’re the architect on REIGN. |
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JACK
Impressive – very impressive! |
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JACK
I haven't heard of your
architectural firm before, you new
in town? |
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| |
AMANDA
Graduated from Seattle University
with Honours. Worked for Frank
Grughy, then moved over to London
(MORE)
|
|
27.
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| |
AMANDA (cont'd)
and now back here. I’m trying to
create my own little empire. |
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| |
JACK
If you continue to produce work
like this, you are going to grow
your little empire into a big
empire. |
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| |
JACK
This design will sell well. |
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| |
AMANDA
Thanks for the compliment. |
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| |
SAM
He’s even prepared to put his
money where his mouth is!! |
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SAM
He's putting up the money for the
campaign. If it works and we sell
out he doubles his fees on the
cost of media and production. |
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| |
JACK
What do you mean "if" – when it
works. |
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| |
AMANDA
You have a lot of confidence in
your ability. |
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| |
CERIL
You mean in my creative ability. |
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| |
AMANDA
What if the campaign doesn’t work
and the apartments don’t sell? |
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JACK
It'll work and the dollars will
roll in - |
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28.
|
| |
JACK
What if my aunt had a pair of
balls … she would be my uncle! |
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| |
CERIL
Very! Very! Sensitive today. |
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| |
JACK
Sorry, if the campaign fails, I'm
checking out on life. |
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| |
JACK
Well, you have to put them on the
line some day. |
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| |
CERIL
Now that all our arses are on the
line it’s back to work. Chop!
chop! |
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| |
SAM
I am going to love you and leave
you. Catch you later.
Come on Bow Bow.
(exits) |
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| |
AMANDA
If it looks like a shark, talks
like a shark and eats like a
shark. |
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| |
AMANDA
Sam’s a man eater, why would you
want to go into bed on this
project and risk everything. |
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| |
JACK
An opportunity to make a lot of
money. |
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| |
AMANDA
True. But going to bed with
Goldstein is like having oral sex
with a shark. |
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| |
CERIL
Oh yuk, yuk and double yuk. |
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|
29.
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| |
CERIL
(starting to pack
his documents and
laptop to leave
the boardroom)
Well, I've got a lot of work to
do. |
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| |
AMANDA
So have I. Why dont we catch up at
the Presentation Centre tomorrow? |
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| |
JACK
Good idea. We'll have to work our
tits off on this one. |
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AMANDA
Nice turn of phrase. Tenish? |
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| |
AMANDA
Catch you guys then. |
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| |
|
INT. THE PRESENTATION OFFICE - DAY |
|
|
Located on the construction site of Reign Apartments is a
Presentation Sales Office fitted out with visual details and
scale model of the building. Beefy construction workers are
busy on the site. One of the workers whistles at the
kilt-wearing Ceril. |
|
|
| |
CERIL
Oh Stop it you brute. |
|
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| |
MAN #1
Free tonight honey. |
|
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|
30.
|
| |
CERIL
Never free, but always cheap. |
|
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|
Construction worker laughs loudly. |
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| |
JACK
Having fun with the village
people. |
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| |
CERIL
I can feel a YMCA coming on |
|
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| |
CERIL
(gesturing with
thumb and
forefinger)
About this much. |
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| |
JACK
Once a tart always a tart. |
|
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| |
CERIL
You should talk, bearing your tush
to my friend Harry. |
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|
Jack laughs. |
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| |
CERIL
You are lucky I'm not the jealous
type or your pecker would have had
a manicure. |
|
|
|
Ceril and Jack see Amanda standing at the entry of the
presentation office. |
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|
| |
AMANDA
Hi guys, welcome to Reign. |
|
|
|
This presentation suite is just plain, dull and totally
lacking any bells and whistles. |
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| |
AMANDA
So, what do you think? |
|
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| |
CERIL
Under-unbelievable!! |
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31.
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| |
AMANDA
What do you mean, shit? |
|
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| |
JACK
How many ways do you want me to
spell it. S H I T. Shit Shit! |
|
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| |
CERIL
Jack is a very good speller. |
|
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| |
JACK
This display suite has as much
charisma as Ceril's arse. |
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| |
CERIL
Excuse me, I have a very
charismatic tush. Have you done
this before? |
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| |
JACK
This is seriously ordinary. I've
got my arse in a sling and this is
what you deliver. |
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| |
JACK
Sorry is not good enough. You
better fix it or I'll find someone
who can. I mean pronto! |
|
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| |
AMANDA
Listen you self-righteous bastard.
You self-pompous prick. |
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| |
CERIL
Dirty talk, it gets me so aroused. |
|
|
|
32.
|
| |
AMANDA
I can fix it. Just tell me what
you bloody want. |
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| |
JACK
Christ. You may be able to design
a building but you know sweet F A
abut designing a sales trap. |
|
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| |
CERIL
Jack, give her a break. She said
she doesn't know. Now everybody
breathe in, breathe out. That a
good boy, you too Amanda. Good
energy in. Bad energy out. All
calm now. |
|
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| |
JACK
You sound like Mr. Kumaji, from
the Karate Kid. |
|
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| |
CERIL
Oh, I wish I had his moves. |
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| |
JACK
This place needs to hum. This is
the focal point of our marketing
campaign. This is where we sell
the dream. |
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| |
CERIL
This place needs to be an upscale,
you know, a little Las Vegas. |
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| |
JACK
It must smell "Show Biz". |
|
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| |
AMANDA
I don't understand why. |
|
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| |
CERIL
Because that's what sells. We need
the model here, with spot lights
on the outside and lit up from the
inside. A protection screen goes
here, don't forget the surround
sound. |
|
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|
33.
|
| |
JACK
That buying here will give them
status, respect and power in the
community. |
|
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| |
CERIL
This is the promised land. People
need to experience the potential. |
|
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| |
JACK
I want them to be able to inhale
Reign Apartments. I want them
high, so high, they are ready to
buy. |
|
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| |
AMANDA
Who is putting the audio visual
together? |
|
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| |
AMANDA
Do people really buy this
bullshit? |
|
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| |
JACK
First lesson, bullshit sells. |
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| |
JACK
Second lesson, we sell perception
not reality. |
|
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| |
AMANDA
Surely people are not that stupid? |
|
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| |
CERIL
Stupid, no. Greedy, oh yes
greedy. |
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| |
JACK
People see ways of making money by
living the envious lifestyle. |
|
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| |
CERIL
Its like an intermittent explosive
disorder of the brain. Poof! |
|
|
|
34.
|
| |
JACK
Once the marketing campaign starts
they will be salivating at the
mouth and lining up to buy Reign. |
|
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|
| |
CERIL
The heart soars, the cash register
rings. |
|
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| |
AMANDA
It sounds so manipulative, almost
cold blooded. |
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| |
JACK
Most good strategies are. |
|
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| |
AMANDA
Is there any emotion attached to
what you do? |
|
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|
| |
CERIL
Truth be told, most of the time
he's an emotional basket case. He
once was a canditate for the Dr
Phil School of Emotional Lunancy.
(pauses)
Alas, he failed the entrance exam. |
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| |
CERIL
Jack spends half his time punching
shadows. |
|
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| |
JACK
Believe me, this time I am going
to connect with a K.O. |
|
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|
| |
CERIL
It's all in the website of his
mind. Check out
www.jackdiamond_bullshit_artist.com |
|
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| |
AMANDA
You mean he's still out in cyber
space. |
|
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| |
CERIL
Oh! I'm beginning to like you
already. |
|
|
|
35.
|
| |
JACK
We'll need the perspectives,
elevations and floor plans Amanda.
Will can you deliver those? |
|
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|
| |
AMANDA
I can drop them off to your office
last thing today. |
|
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| |
AMANDA
Sure. See you then. |
|
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| |
JACK
Come on Ceril, lets go. |
|
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| |
CERIL
His Masters Voice, ruff ruff.
See you later Amanda. |
|
|
|
| |
|
INT. OOPS - NIGHT |
|
|
It is 6.30pm at Bang Creative Agency and the majority of the
staff have filtered out except for a few designers and Jack
Diamond. |
|
|
|
|
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|
| |
JACK
Hi. Come on through. |
|
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| |
JACK
I am about to blow a fuse. |
|
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| |
AMANDA
Hope you got a spare. |
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| |
AMANDA
Your brain's short circuiting. |
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| |
JACK
It is in overload. Drink? |
|
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|
36.
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| |
AMANDA
What have you got? |
|
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| |
JACK
Jack Daniels, Jack Daniels and
Jack Daniels. |
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| |
JACK
It is part of the agency's
signature brand. Well? |
|
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|
| |
AMANDA
On the rocks with a dash of soda. |
|
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| |
JACK
Bottoms up. Another one? |
|
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|
| |
AMANDA
You certainly know how to put them
away. Wow! No thanks. |
|
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|
| |
JACK
I'll just have another ... chaser. |
|
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|
| |
AMANDA
Are you sure your blood does not
interfere with your alcohol level. |
|
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|
| |
JACK
See no blood. Just pure alcohol
runs through these veins. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Thought about walking around with
an intravenous drip attached? |
|
|
|
37.
|
| |
JACK
Aahh! That would make life
simpler.
What have you got? |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
New perspectives and potential
views of the apartments. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Good. Good. Really good. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Phew! I thought we were heading
for another three rounds. |
|
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|
| |
JACK
Leave that to Rocky Balboa. I just
want delivery. Tonight you
delivered! |
|
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|
| |
JACK
I know I drink a lot and I blow a
few brain capsules along the way. |
|
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|
| |
JACK
Well, more than a few.
The night we met at the UDIA.. |
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| |
AMANDA
You don't remember? |
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| |
JACK
Amnesia. Swish gone. |
|
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38.
|
| |
AMANDA
Lose the Jack Daniels glow. |
|
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|
| |
JACK
Then what will I do? |
|
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|
| |
AMANDA
Gain a memory and keep a few
friends. I have got to go. Bye. |
|
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|
| |
JACK
The nice things about amnesia is
always making a lot of new
friends. |
|
|
|
| |
|
INT. TRUTH SERIUM - NIGHT |
|
|
Several weeks later, one rainy night, Amanda Storey is at
the Reign Apartments presentation site. SFX Knock at the
door. |
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Sorry we are closed. |
|
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|
| |
JACK
Amanda, it is me, Jack Diamond. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
There is Jack Diamond standing in the rain, drenched and
clinging onto a portable intravenous trolley, the plastic
bag filled with Jack Daniels Whisky. |
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Now I have seen it all. Come on in
you big drip. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Can I bring my friend in too? |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Have I met your friend before? |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Mr. Dripolater meet Amanda Storey.
Here's a shot for you. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Yum! I think Mr. Dripolater and I
could be really goods friends.
Want a drink conventional style? |
|
|
|
39.
|
| |
JACK
No thanks. I have decided to give
my memory cells a sabbatical. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Since two minutes ago. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
So what is the motivation? |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Touching base with my spiritual
side. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Don't tell me you have changed to
drinking bourbon? |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
I said I was only touching my
spiritual side, not changing it. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Jack walks across the room to the sales status board. 60% of
the apartments are marked off as sold. Jack puts his face to
the board and inhales deeply. |
|
|
| |
JACK
Aah! The sweet smell of success! |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
To guts and glory. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
To stupidity finally paying off. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
You really did box above your
weight. Bravo. Cheers. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Amanda, about the UDIA function. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
40.
|
|
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
So the brain cells finally kicked
into gear. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
It was quite a "back to the
future" moment for me. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Sorry I laughed when you were ..
trying to get it on. It was very
funny. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Especially in the middle of
winter. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Why didn't you tell me you are an
architect? |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
I started to but things started to
get rather heated, rather quickly. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
The temperature was off the
Richter scale. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
It was pretty close. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Why didn't you hang around? |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
It was getting rather crowded. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Especially with those two gays. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
I am not into bisexuality. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
At least it doubles your chances
of a date. |
|
|
|
41.
|
|
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Look for meaningful one night
stands? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
JACK
I have had a lot of bad luck
lately. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
I'm not surprised. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
If it wasn't for bad luck, I
wouldn't have had any luck at all. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Well, you are not exactly
God's gift to women. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Well if you were, God must have
been having a bad day. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
My tolerance for alcohol is
miserably low. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Marriage is an institution. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
So who wants to join an
institution? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
A dozen times. So why are you such
a cynical bastard? |
|
|
|
42.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
JACK
So why me? Come on level. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
That's for me to know and you to
find out. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Let's not. We have some unfinished
business ... remember? |
|
|
|
Wrapped in each other's arms they kiss. Jumping onto the
boardroom table they make hard, passionate love. |
|
|
| |
|
INT. LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE - DAY |
|
|
Attorney, Sue Hymn's office looks like a tornado has hit it.
Sue is a big, beefy, flamboyant attorney; who looks like
Arnold Schwarzenegger gone wrong (pear shaped not pumped).
She is tough, sharp as a razor and takes no prisoners. |
|
|
In the corner is a large fish tank with a single baby shark
swimming lazily around, waiting for his lunch. |
|
|
| |
SUE
(Drops a live
mousee into the
tank)
Nice one. Good boy. |
|
|
|
|
SFX: knock on her office door. |
|
|
| |
SUE
(in a booming
voice)
Come in. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
(striding into the
office with Bow
Bow)
Good afternoon Sue. |
|
|
|
43.
|
| |
SUE
Bow, Bow! Hello my gorgeous boy!
Yes, yes, yes, you are my favorite
pooch? |
|
|
|
Bow Bow licks her face while his stumpy tail wagging
enthusiastically. Bow Bow slobbers all over her face, so
much that her make up and mascara starts running. |
|
|
| |
SUE
Sam, how's my favorite client. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Great Sue, and how's my favorite
attorney?
(sitting down in
the lounge) |
|
|
|
| |
SUE
(Bow Bow gives
Susan one big
last lick, she
whispers in his
ear)
Yes yes yes, I love you too, Bow
Bow. Hello Sam, nice to see you
too! How have you been. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SUE
So what devious schemes have you
been cooking up now. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
You've been reading my mind. |
|
|
|
| |
SUE
It's an open book. So who do you
want to rape and pillage this
time? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Poor he might be. Schmuck, that's
what I want you to find out. |
|
|
|
44.
|
| |
SUE
I thought you had his balls
screwed well and truly to the
floor. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Yeah I do, but I just negotiated a
deal with him. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
He agreed to subside the cost of
the advertising campaign for Reign
Apartments. |
|
|
|
| |
SUE
Sounds like his ego is writing
cheques his body can't cash. Wow! |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Big Wow! If the campaign is a
success I've agreed to pay double
his costs. If unsuccessful he pays
out on the lot. |
|
|
|
| |
SUE
That's a big call. He sounds
desperate. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
He's an ambulance chaser. He wants
to be the new Donald Trump of
property advertising. |
|
|
|
| |
SUE
That's ballsy. What's he like? |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
He's got more opinions than a law
school library. |
|
|
|
| |
SUE
On the surface it looks like a win
win deal. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SUE
Not a typical Sam Goldstein deal. |
|
|
|
45.
|
| |
SAM
It's too fair to be fair to me. |
|
|
|
| |
SUE
So if we are not doing fair, then
what are we doing. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
I need a contract with lots of
legal mumbo jumbo. I want him to
think he reading a contract that
is fair. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
A contract with buried conditions
that reads if he wins he loses and
if he loses he really loses, big
time. |
|
|
|
| |
SUE
Boy Sam, you really what to nail
his balls to the ceiling. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
I'm looking for a new pair of down
lights. |
|
|
|
| |
SUE
That's not going to be easy. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Double your usual fee. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SUE
How are you going to get away with
this? |
|
|
|
46.
|
| |
SAM
String out the time frame so that
Jack won't see the contract until
the morning of the launch. He'll
be up to his ears in shit,
financially and emotionally
strung. So if you time it right
the schmuck will be relieved to
see the contract and should just
sign it. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
I didn't get rich giving away my
money. |
|
|
|
| |
SUE
He sounds ballsy enough to try
something. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
That's why my attorney is called
Sue Hymn. We'll crucify
financially. He won't survive. |
|
|
|
| |
SUE
You missed your calling. You
should have been Alexandra the
Great. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
I know it's probably the wrong way
to think. But it's the only way to
win. |
|
|
|
| |
SUE
Well, here's to winning. |
|
|
|
|
Fades. |
|
|
| |
47.
|
|
INT. THE REVELATION - DAY |
|
|
Sam Goldstein's office has all the trappings of success.
It's an interior designer's dream. There's a knock at the
door. Bow Bow, the dog, rushes to the door. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
How’s my favorite architect! |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Great!
(Bow Bow runs over
to Amanda and
starts to hump
her leg.)
Off Bow Bow - off! |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
He really loves your leg,
Coffee. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
How are things working out with
the ad agency? |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
(Still trying to
get Bow Bow off
her leg)
So far so good. Sam -
(She kicks the dog
in the balls. Bow
Bow yelps and
lets go)
I need to talk to you about your
deal with Jack. |
|
|
|
48.
|
|
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
You know the chances of getting
money out of you is slim. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
He wants to play with the big
boys, it’s his choice. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
He’s not in your league. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Sooner or later little league
players have got to graduate to
the big league. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
True. Is it all legal and above
board? What's the catch? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Come on Dad? You know there's
always is. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Does he know I’m your step-father? |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
I’m not suicidal, not yet anyway. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
If he found out, he could fuck up
this whole project. There’s too
much money at stake. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
You know that money doesn't buy
you happiness. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Just a better class of enemies. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
You have never change. Even with
mum dying. |
|
|
|
49.
|
| |
SAM
That's a sucker punch. You know I
loved your mother. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
You had a funny way of showing it.
All the affairs – the late
nights. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
That’s the nature of the beast.
She came to accept me for what I
was. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Yeah, a real prick. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Ooh! flattery will get you
everywhere. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Look .. do you want this
development to sell? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
So why the charade? |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
It’s not a charade. This is real
deal. I want Jack Diamond to have
an equity in my success or
failure. This he’s going to make
sure this campaign works. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
He's screwed, and so am I. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Does he know that? |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
He’s a lot of things. But he is
not an idiot – of course he knows
it. |
|
|
|
50.
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
When his equity starts to hit the
floor, Jack will either fall flat
on his arse or he’ll come out
swinging. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
He does likes the design of the
building. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
What about market acceptance? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
I hope so, for all our sakes I
really want it to work. If it
doesn't you are going to take a
lot good people down. |
|
|
|
The telephone rings, reception announces a visitor. Sam and
Amanda stop their conversation. |
|
|
| |
SAM
Hello, send him through. Rodney
Cash from the bank, is here. |
|
|
|
| |
ROD
Good morning Mr. Goldstein. |
|
|
|
Banker, Rodney Cash is a 45 years old, straight up and down
guy. Crisp and clean in appearance with a shutdown
hairstyle. |
|
|
| |
SAM
How are you Rodney? You remember
Amanda Storey, one of the board
members. |
|
|
|
| |
ROD
Nice to see you again Ms Storey. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
51.
|
| |
ROD
We have decided to give you a line
of credit, $100 Million. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
ROD
The balance funds of $200 Million
will be extended over the selling
period, but I will need to see
sales of $165 Million without the
first 6 months. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
What if I can’t meet the
commitment? |
|
|
|
| |
ROD
We will disembowel you -
financially. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
ROD
It’s hardly original, but it
works. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
ROD
I’ll have the paperwork to you in
the morning. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
ROD
Thank you, as always it's a
pleasure doing business with you
Mr.Goldstein, Ms.Storey.
(Rodney leaves
Sam's office) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
52.
|
| |
SAM
Typical bank Jock – when you don’t
need the cash they throw it at
you. When you do need it, they
put you through the hoops! |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
When it rains it pours. |
|
|
|
| |
|
INT. THE RIP OFF - DAY |
|
|
Reign Apartments has recorded 80% in sales in just six
weeks. News hits CBS and CNN, New York Times, USA Today,
Business Review and ULI trade magazines.
CNN news coverage flashes onto the screen, the crowds
outside the sales center are jostling to the enter the
building to secure any apartment.
Magazine stands show the headlines in newspapers.
REIGN 80% SOLD OUT IN 6 WEEKS
REIGN BREAKS PROPERTY DROUGHT!
GOLDSTEIN THE NEW MARKETING GURU
A NEW KING REIGNS IN PROPERTY.
PROPERTY MARKET BOOMS BACK WITH REIGN.
$250 million IN SALES IN 6 WEEKS. |
|
|
At the CNN studio of Larry King Live a proud Sam Goldstein
being interviewed about his success. |
|
|
| |
LARRY
Mr. Goldstein is the new iconic
master of the development
industry.
Sam, this success is just
unprecedented. The market has
been flat for quite sometime. How
did you do it? |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Gut instinct. I relied on my
personal judgments with all
aspects of the project. I
supervised all the decisions from
concept plans to marketing
releases.Larry, my career has been long and
relatively successful. I decided
with this development, that I
(MORE)
|
|
53.
|
| |
SAM (cont'd)
would extract the best from
everything I have completed over
the years to be combined into this
one project. |
|
|
|
| |
LARRY
The newspapers are certainly
providing great coverage for you.
It sounds like your hand picked
team gave great backup. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Yes, right people on the team, you
do need a great architect to
conceptualize the vision. |
|
|
|
| |
LARRY
Well congratulations Sam, if you
weren't rich before Reign
Apartments, you certainly will be
now. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
(laughing)
I hope so. |
|
|
|
| |
|
INT. TOO EARLY TO CELEBRATE - NIGHT |
|
|
At Sam's office, Sam Goldstein is with Amanda Storey
celebrating.
Bow Bow the dog, has been desexed. He has a bandage around
his groin area. Ice buckets surround his leather chair. He's
not at all interested in Amanda's leg. |
|
|
| |
SAM
Cheers! It's looking like we've
made it! |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Isn't is fabulous! You made it too
Bow Bow! |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Well the market really loved your
designs, the whole concept! |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
I gave it my best shot! |
|
|
|
54.
|
| |
SAM
Best?? It was brilliant! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
You have a gut instinct for what
the market is looking for. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
The old adage still holds true.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
If you build a better mouse trap … |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
They’ll beat a path to your door? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Very true. The ad campaign was
great! |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
It was good – very good. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Jack’s going to be ecstatic. Have
you told him yet? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
I’m going to have to renege on the
deal. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
55.
|
| |
SAM
I underestimated construction
costs. I’m just going to break
even. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
BULLSHIT!!!!!!! What about the
contract you had with Jack
Diamond? |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
I’ll break it. Contracts are made
to be broken, I’ve already got the
lawyers on it, something about
paragraph 53 part "J" sub-section
33 ..
Basically it states blah blah blah
.. you’re fucked blah blah blah
fucked, fucked and yeh , you are
really fucked. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Let him. It will cost him more in
legal fees than what I owe him.. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
He can’t afford that. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
That’s the whole idea, especially
after he pays his media bills of
$14 million. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
That is so unfair. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Who said life was fair. Just look
at the world. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
(pleading)
Sam, be reasonable. He went into
this deal on good faith and you
are going to screw him. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
It’s either him or me?? |
|
|
|
56.
|
| |
AMANDA
So who are you getting to use
next? |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
I'll get another ad agency. They
are all a bunch of whores. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
You should talk? Is money that
important to you?? |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
When I was young I thought money
was the most important thing in
life. Now that I’m older, I know
it is. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Money doesn't make you happy. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
(laughing)
True. I have $75 million, but I
was just as happy when I had $65
million. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
I’m out of here, before I get
contaminated! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Just thought I let you know ..
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Tell someone who cares. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
I’m in love with Jack Diamond. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
57.
|
| |
SAM
There’s no accounting for bad
taste. He’s such a loser. A broke
one at that! |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
You hypocritical bastard!! |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Now I’m really going to fuck him
over. I’ll teach him to screw
around with my family. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
What family?? The only family you
had where the whores you screwed!! |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
I have treated you like a
daughter, show me some respect. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
FUCK YOU!! Ironic isn’t it? You’re
screwing him financially and he’s
screwing you emotionally!! |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
(stuttering)
That bastard Diamond .. he’s not
even Jewish!! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
My God! She’s being screwed by an
infidel! |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
You are a P A T H E T I C old
man!! |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Pathetic I might be old I’m not. I
haven't got a used by date yet. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Pay Jack his dues Sam or you’ll
have both me and Jack to answer
to. |
|
|
|
58.
|
| |
SAM
So be it! I want your resignation
from the Board today. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
You can have it. Run your own
toxic empire on your own. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
The pleasure will be all mine. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Thanks for nothing.
(storms out) |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Kids! Today there’s no accounting
for bad sperm.
(Pats Bow Bow)
Sorry buddy, no risk of that
happening for you. |
|
|
|
| |
|
INT. LETS CELEBRATE - DAY |
|
|
Ceril Artes and Jack Diamond at a super swish restaurant
consuming the final morsels of a fabulous meal celebrating
the success of the "Reign" campaign. He's happily pissed and
feeling absolutely fabulous. |
|
|
| |
CERIL
Lunch was fabulous! Thanks Jack. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
The pleasure was entirely mine. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
I’ll be farting fish cakes and
Chardonnay all afternoon.
(Ceril farts on
cue) |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Phew! You should have eased back
on the fish cakes, buddy. |
|
|
|
Ceril farts again – this time he lifts his kilt to disperse
the smell. The other diners look at them in disdain. |
|
|
| |
JACK
My god what was that?!?!? |
|
|
|
59.
|
| |
CERIL
I think an alien is in my lower
intestine. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
More like the whole cast of Star
Wars …. Come on lets blow this
joint. Check please, sweetie. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
Well, better an empty house than a
bad tenant! |
|
|
|
Walking out of the restaurant and straight into a waiting
limousine, Jack and Ceril head back to Bang Creative. |
|
|
| |
CERIL
So what are you going to do with
all that lovely money? |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Expand the business. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Go for some big accounts, new
people and a new partner. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
Ooh! New partner! That's
interesting? |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
A new creative head, who will have
a seat on the board. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
JACK
This guy is not only talented, he
can spell as well. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
So where’s this new … what’s a
face … talent coming from … |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Nowhere in particular, guess I’ll
sniff around to find him. |
|
|
|
60.
|
| |
CERIL
You keep sniffing around and
you’ll finish up finding an
arsehole. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
I thought that’s your forte. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
I just can’t stand the smell. Any
character traits in mind? |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Highly creative, loyal, straight
shooter. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Yes you, you stupid bastard. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
Thank you! Thank you!
(grabbing at Jack)
I just want to kiss you all over! |
|
|
|
|
Passers-by are stunned by such public affection. |
|
|
| |
JACK
(pushing Ceril off
him)
Get off me. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
You are so fickle. You had me
going. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
And going and going and .. |
|
|
|
61.
|
| |
CERIL
Jack you can be such a shit. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Jack and Ceril enter the lift. |
|
|
| |
JACK
You what? This is opportunity of a
lifetime. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
Sorry – not this lifetime – I
decline. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
For Christ sake why? |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
You made me feel so cheap. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
So what’s the problem? |
|
|
|
|
Jack and Ceril existing lift and entering reception. |
|
|
| |
CERIL
I am CERIL ARTES CREATIVE
DIRECTOR!!!!!!!
I can’t JUST accept any offer.
It has to be formal. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
(challenging)
You’re creative …think! |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
(Jumping onto the
reception desk)
I Jack Diamond, owner of Bang
Creative have an announcement to
make.
(pausing, giving
time for the
staff to gather
around reception)
I, Jack Diamond, owner of Bang
(MORE)
|
|
62.
|
| |
JACK (cont'd)
Creative do formally request the
two hands, the mind and other body
parts of Ceril Artes, as my
partner in the everyday running of
this agency. To have, to hold and
to cherish all accounts from this
day forth. Forever and ever. Amen. |
|
|
|
|
Staff members are laughing and clapping. |
|
|
| |
CERIL
Beautiful! Beautiful!
Let me think about it. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
(jumping off the
desk)
Now what! |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
I’m having a Ceril moment. Thought
gone.
(pausing)
I accept. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
You are a corporate slut. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
For the highest price I'm
anybody's.
With all of my heart, I promise to
be faithful. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters
welcomes you to the board. |
|
|
|
|
Jack walks Ceril into the boardroom. |
|
|
| |
CERIL
Let’s get serious, how much money? |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
20% increase in salary plus
another 20% of the action. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
Wonderbar! Can I still wear my
kilts to the boardroom meetings? |
|
|
|
63.
|
| |
JACK
You can wear what you damn well
please, just no more fluffing the
kilt?! |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
Imagine the look on their faces. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Make no mistakes I want ownership
of the muscle between your ears. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
That’s all you’re getting sweet
cakes. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
It means you'll be working
overtime. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
Thank god for that, my other
muscle has been on unemployment
benefits for months. |
|
|
|
|
SFX: the office line extension rings. |
|
|
|
Intercut, split screen. Location one. |
|
|
| |
CERIL
This is Ceril Artes, Board member,
hello Rosie -
(Puts his hand on
the receiver and
mouths GOLDSTEIN) |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Put him on speaker phone. Hi Sam! |
|
|
|
|
Intercut, split screen. Location two. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Still working through it. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Good to hear it. Let me cut to the
chase. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
64.
|
| |
SAM
The campaign was a great success.
Congratulations. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
A slight problem though. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Building costs have come through. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Well, the way the figures are
stacking up I can only just afford
to build it for the prices the
apartments sold for. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Surely you would have done a QA
before now? |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
A feasibility was done before you
started the program.
But, somehow there’s been a major
fuck up. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
So what’s the bottom line? |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
I won't be paying you? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
I either pay you and the project
dies or not pay you and the
project survives. Once it gets
started we can work something for
the long term. |
|
|
|
65.
|
| |
JACK
It’s either you or me? |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
It's EITHER you or me,
It's either you or ME,
It's either YOU or me! |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
So you are prepared to sacrifice
my agency?? |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
It’s either you or me. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
I’m fucking sure it’s going to be
you. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
You’re threatening me? |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
I’ll fucking sue you! |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Go ahead. I’ll string you out in
the courts. It will cost you more
in lawyers fees than the debt. So
let’s dance. Don’t trip on your
laces or you will be more fucked
than before. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
No, I think the term is YOU ARE
SCREWED! |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
All this talk of screwing makes me
feel flush. |
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Another thing don’t screw around
with my family. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
God would have thrown away the
mould after he produced a bastard
like you. |
|
|
|
66.
|
| |
SAM
(stuttering)
You fucking idiot. Amanda is my
daughter, you stupid bastard. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
MY god, I think I am going to
faint! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
SAM
Now who's being screwed. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
Amanda the architect, is his
daughter!
What an ugly thought. Nasty!
Nasty!
This is so bad, Jack this is so
bad. |
|
|
|
|
Stunned Numb Blank - Jack is overwhelmed by both bombshells. |
|
|
| |
CERIL
There goes the outfit. That musts
have been the shortest career in
management I've ever had! |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
It’s even worse than that. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
What can be worse than not having
a new outfit? |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Amanda and I were having an
affair. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
On my god. You straights – it
takes you nine months to get out
of there and all your life to get
back it! No wonder I’m gay!! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
67.
|
| |
CERIL
(With his hands
over his ears)
Don't tell me la la la. Okay tell
me, when did this happen? |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
At that ULI function last Summer. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
Oh my God! She’s not Miss
Disappointment. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
YEP! But that was just the start. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
You were screwing a client’s
daughter and you didn’t know it.
What planet are you from? |
|
|
|
Devastated Jack just manages to find the strength to shrug
his shoulders. |
|
|
| |
CERIL
Well your brains must have been
lost in transit. We are all
fucked. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Ceril cut it out, stop being such
a fucking raving Queen. Amanda
didn’t tell me and fuck you, I had
no idea! |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
You are a dick brain. Amanda
didn’t tell you? You are fucking
stupid. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
Well you're doing a pretty good
fucking imitation.
No wonder he's trying to screw you
– Sam is so pissed off. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
I cannot believe Amanda. |
|
|
|
68.
|
| |
CERIL
The whole thing was a set up. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
You are going to lose the whole
fucking lot.
Just because you couldn’t keep
your pecker in your panties. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
What’s even more crazy, is you are
going to lose sweet loyal talented
me! And all my board membership
aspirations are fucked up. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Sorry Ceril, I really am. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
Sorry doesn't cut it buster.
Sorries are for losers. What are
we going to do about getting that
stuttering arsehole bastard? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
Think!!!! Think!!!!! What’s his
weakness. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
JACK
His liver will send us broke
before we could achieve anything. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
69.
|
| |
JACK
He's still got his first cent.
Sex? |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
My favorite subject.. |
|
|
|
There's a knock at the boardroom door. The door is opened by
Ceril - he watches Amanda as she enters. |
|
|
| |
CERIL
Yes, can I help you? |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Hi …. It's rather chilly in here. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
The chill factor is going to reach
boiling point real soon. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Can you give us a moment Ceril. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
Sure, have fun. I’m next door if
you need any help. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
JACK
You didn’t tell me. Sam Goldstein
was your father! |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Step-father and you never asked
me. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Come on! So when were you going to
tell me? |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
As soon as the campaign was over
and everything was firing. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Yeah right! I’m the one that got
fired, more like fried. |
|
|
|
70.
|
| |
AMANDA
That was not my fault. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
You knew the sort of animal Sam
Goldstein is. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Sooner or later he was going to
burn you. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
But you are his daughter. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Step daughter.. if you must know
he burnt my mother too. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
You remember the Carnegies? |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
The oil and steel magnates? |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
They’re the ones. Mum was one of
the great grand daughters. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
She was worth a fortune. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
She was! Until she met that
stuttering peacock called Sam
Goldstein. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
71.
|
| |
AMANDA
She put a whole lot of her
inheritance in one of Sam’s
projects. He promised to double
her investment. The recession of
the 80’s hit and he conveniently
lost it all. So he said. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
He divorced Mum. Left her and me
in the lurch with virtually no
income and lots of debt. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
He started screwing around with
other women as well, mom found
out, it broke her heart. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
How did you survive? |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Through a network of great aunts
and uncles and friends. They
financially saw me through life
and university. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
A year later he started developing
again. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
How convenient. I thought you
said he was broke? |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
We suspected he had been stashing
money away in off shore accounts. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Why aren't I surprised? |
|
|
|
72.
|
| |
AMANDA
I thought he would change when he
asked me to work together with him
on this project. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
That turned out a big fat zero. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
So what’s the strategy? |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Jack you’ve got to believe me, I
had nothing to do with this. If
you want to know the truth, I’ve
resigned from Sam’s company as
director and architect. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
You were involved in his company?
Fuck,this is unbelievable. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
JACK
(sarcastically)
This is unbelievable bullshit.
Leave! |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
How much proof do you want? |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
A shit load. I might look dumb.
But I am not stupid. This has been
a choreographed farce from the
beginning to end. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
JACK
(interrupting)
No ifs, no buts, no maybes. Just
get out. |
|
|
|
73.
|
| |
AMANDA
Screw you!
(Brushing past
Ceril) |
|
|
|
|
Ceril enters the boardroom to see Jack. |
|
|
| |
JACK
I am in deep shit now. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
You are up to your eye balls and
sinking fast. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
We’ve got to beat the bastard. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
We all know he’s ripping us off. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Big time, but where's the proof?? |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
I think she just walked out of the
door. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
Haven't you done enough of that
already? |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Maybe. I have to get that bastard.
Are you with me. |
|
|
|
| |
CERIL
Balls and all. Oophs, kilt and
all. |
|
|
|
| |
|
INT. THE TABLES ARE TURNED - DAY |
|
|
Rodney Cash's office is very austere,typical banking
environment, heavy old fashioned, uncomfortable furniture.
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Good morning Rodney, hope you are
well. |
|
|
|
74.
|
| |
ROD
Well very well. You’re looking
radiant as ever. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
ROD
What can I do for you? |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
We wanted to know how the finance
for ‘REIGN APARTMENTS” is coming
together? |
|
|
|
| |
ROD
Just about to send the approval
letter out today. But you’ve just
saved me the courier fee. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Really, how did the figures stack
up?? |
|
|
|
| |
ROD
You and your father look like
getting a nett profit of about $84
million. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
Is that with all the costs taken
out, you know surveyors, builders,
fit-outs, architect’s fees,
marketing costs? |
|
|
|
| |
ROD
Absolutely! That's a bottom line
clear profit. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
The bank will be pleased! |
|
|
|
| |
ROD
This is one of our better
projects, as a matter of fact we
are looking at your father’s next
development analysis right now. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
75.
|
| |
ROD
So do you want to drop these into
Mr. Goldstein? |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
No courier them, it will be nicer
surprise. |
|
|
|
| |
ROD
Okay – consider it done. |
|
|
|
| |
AMANDA
(standing to leave)
Nice seeing you again, good bye. |
|
|
|
| |
|
INT. UPMARKET, BAR IN THE CITY. - NIGHT |
|
|
Jack, drinking alone, is seated at the bar. Well on his way
to being drunk. |
|
|
| |
JACK
Jack Daniels please. |
|
|
|
| |
JOHN
Haven't you had enough, sir? |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Well enough is never enough. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
JACK
No! Alcoholics never get drunk. |
|
|
|
| |
JOHN
Well, you are not sober. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Sober is the art of being pissed
without appearing pissed. |
|
|
|
| |
JOHN
(pouring a drink
for Jack)
Big day sir? |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Its had more twists than a second
hand soap opera. |
|
|
|
76.
|
|
|
|
|
| |
JACK
The critics choice for the dumb
arse leading man. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Panned, slammed, quartered,
guttered and totally screwed. |
|
|
|
| |
JOHN
That's a lot of activity for one
day, sir. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
JOHN
Oh, a client. So what are you
going to do about it? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
JOHN
Sir, you are carrying on like a
broad. |
|
|
|
| |
JACK
Pardon me, I'm not a broad. At
least not the last time I looked. |
|
|
|
| |
JOHN
Change your game plan. |
|
|
|
|
|
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JOHN
The screwed becomes the screwer. |
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77.
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JACK
No thanks. I think I have given my
brain cells enough of a workout.
See ya. |
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INT. BANG CREATIVE AGENCY - DAY |
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Amanda Storey heads back to Bang Creative after her meeting
with Rodney Cash. As she nears the plaza she sees Jack and
Ceril in a coffee shop.
Seated at a table, Jack is nursing a hang over and Ceril is
comforting him. |
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CERIL
(gets up to kiss
Amanda)
Jack can be such an ignoramus. How
are you Amanda? |
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AMANDA
I've been very busy. |
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JACK
Putting your next scam together. |
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CERIL
Bitchy, bitchy - very bitchy. |
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AMANDA
Listen you dumb bastard, I've just
put on arse on the line for you. |
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AMANDA
I've just been at the bank with
Rodney Cash. |
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78.
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AMANDA
Sam's cash. You have just been
screwed. |
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JACK
That's hardly ground breaking
news. |
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AMANDA
I mean, really screwed. |
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CERIL
And he's not loving it, not one
little bit. |
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AMANDA
Sam, cashed in on the success of
your campaign. |
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CERIL
Why don’t you just sue that
lecherous bastard. |
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JACK
He'll break me. I don't have the
capital for a long drawn out legal
slug-fest. |
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AMANDA
Look I’ll put some money in. |
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AMANDA
Anything to get that bastard – how
much do you have? |
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JACK
By the time I pay the sum of media
placements, production companies
and this month's wages, I'll be
lucky to afford a happy meal at
MacDonald's. |
|
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79.
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| |
CERIL
At least you get to meet Ronald
MacDonald, I just love Randy. |
|
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JACK
So even with your $100,000 we
would be pissing in the wind.
Especially now that he knows you
are on my side. He's really going
to dig his heels in. |
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CERIL
We are screwed either way. |
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CERIL
Fuck! Fuck! Big fuck!!
Why does it always happening to
me.
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CERIL
What did your Attorneys say about
the contract you signed? |
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JACK
They didn't say anything. |
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CERIL
What does that mean? |
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AMANDA
They didn't see it! Why in God's
name not! |
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JACK
No time and a lot of pressure. |
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CERIL
The sooner they legislate against
stupidity the better. |
|
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80.
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| |
JACK
Sorry, I am a work in progress
just like the rest of the fucking
human race. |
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CERIL
You are such a victim. |
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CERIL
Maybe just a volunteer. |
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JACK
Can’t pay you for it. |
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JACK
(and Amanda
together)
Just brilliant!!
Just fucking brilliant!!! |
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|
EXT. RECONCILIATION - DAY |
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Leaving the coffee shop and walking back to Bang Creative,
Ceril is a couple of steps ahead of the other two. |
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JACK
Amanda, I've been such as idiot. |
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AMANDA
It's all part of the male DNA. |
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JACK
(laughs)
I deserved that. |
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AMANDA
Absolutely, I love you. |
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81.
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AMANDA
Just kiss me you idiot. |
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Jack grabs Amanda and kisses her. Ceril looks back to see
them both in an embrace. |
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CERIL
Beautiful! Just beautiful. |
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INT. COME INTO MY WEB SAYS THE SPIDER TO THE FLY - NIGHT |
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|
The setting is a very upscale, business club.
Jack Diamond is having an intense conversation with a very,
attractive petite female. Looking at architect's plans and
building perspectives the two are locked in conversation.
John, the bartender serves them champagne.
Meanwhile Sam Goldstein walks past, unnoticed, and heads to
the bar. But Sam notices Jack Diamond and curiously watches
Jack and the mystery blond lady in the reflection of the bar
mirror.
Even from his viewing distance, Goldstein can see that the
woman is dripping in diamonds, gold and expensive apparel. |
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SAM
John? Who's the woman with Jack
Diamond? |
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JOHN
Don't know Mr. Goldstein. I think
she's involved in a development of
some kind. |
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JOHN
There were lots of building plans
on the table, you know the stuff
the architects draw up? |
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SAM
Ask the lady if I could buy her a
drink? |
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JOHN
Sure thing Mr. Goldstein. |
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The Bartender returns, he smiles. |
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82.
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| |
JOHN
She wants a double scotch no ice. |
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SAM
A girl after my own heart!! I'll
have the same thanks. |
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JOHN
She wants to meet you Mr.
Goldstein. |
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SAM
John, give me her drink.
(Sam Goldstein
approaches the
blonde)
May I? |
|
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KITTY
Of course you may. Hum, I love a
good scotch. |
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KITTY
An acquired taste from my late
husband. |
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SAM
Ooh I’m sorry, a recent departure? |
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KITTY
Don’t be sorry he was an absolute
prick and the departure was way
too slow for my liking! |
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KITTY
Don’t be! At least he died rich! |
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SAM
Good for you! I’m Sam Goldstein. |
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KITTY
Hello, Sam Goldstein, I’m Kitty
Kidman. So nice to meet you! |
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SAM
So how are you coping with the
loss of your husband? |
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83.
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| |
KITTY
Alcohol! Hours of mindless
activity, spending my tits off and
trying a new profession – real
estate development. I inherited
this site in the city it’s got
blah blah blah, you know all those
things that architects say – great
GBD. |
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SAM
Great GFA? Gross floor area. |
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KITTY
YES! And beautiful views! It’s
going to cost me $500 million to
develop, but you know Harry left
me the “B” word – you know
billions, so this is something to
keep me busy, you know, something
small to get my feet wet. |
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SAM
Have you ever done any … |
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KITTY
No, but how hard can it be. Every
man and his dog is a developer. |
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KITTY
My accountant says it would be
easier if I found an equity
partner who would take over the
male stuff and let me do the
female stuff.
You know “someone in the Penis
Club”?
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KITTY
Just to minimize the risk of me
stuffing it up. |
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84.
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| |
JACK
I see you know Jack Diamond. |
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KITTY
Yes. He’s doing the advertising
for this project, he’s highly
recommended ---- do you know him? |
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SAM
He's helped me on a project. |
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KITTY
Are you a developer? |
|
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SAM
Yeah, I have done a few. Arena,
Euro, Enterprise, Heath and Reign. |
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KITTY
Hold on! Hold on! You’re not THE
Sam Goldstein, developer
extra-ordinarier!!!
|
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KITTY
I’ve been dying to meet you!!! |
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KITTY
This is so unbelievable. I’ve
heard so much about you – I’m
overwhelmed. |
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SAM
I hope it's all good. |
|
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KITTY
Good! It's brilliant! You are such
a legend. You are an icon in the
property industry. You are one of
(MORE)
|
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85.
|
| |
KITTY (cont'd)
the most well known developers. |
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KITTY
Nobody told me how cute and sexy
you were? |
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KITTY
Please.
(pausing)
Married? |
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SAM
Widowed. Sadly widowed. |
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KITTY
Ooh you poor thing, were you in
love? |
|
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SAM
Deeply – intensely – madly. |
|
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|
The new scotches arrive at the table. |
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KITTY
So good to hear love does exist in
some lives.
Here’s to life, love and
happiness! |
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KITTY
Sam would you be interested in
being an equity … |
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JACK
Let’s discuss it over dinner. |
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KITTY
You’re not trying to seduce me
…..Mr. Goldstein – you brute
you!!!!!! |
|
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86.
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| |
KITTY
Oh, of course you may! |
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SAM
Can I buy you dinner? |
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KITTY
That would be nice. |
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|
Dinner finishes and they stroll arm in arm to Kitty Kidman's
hotel room. They are entering the front door. |
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SAM
Please. Where's the john? |
|
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KITTY
Straight through on your right,
second door. |
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|
While Sam is in the toilet Kitty slips a white powder into
Sam's scotch. |
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| |
SAM
Oh boy I needed that! |
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| |
KITTY
Cheers! Bottoms up. Want another? |
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|
While Kitty is pouring the scotch with her back to Sam – he
grabs her tits from behind. She slaps his hand playfully. |
|
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| |
SAM
Now …. Where were we? |
|
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| |
KITTY
You are a very naughty boy.
Naughty boy indeed! |
|
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| |
SAM
And you are such a wickedly,
wickedly beautiful woman. |
|
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KITTY
You lecherous – lecherous hunk of
man! |
|
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87.
|
| |
SAM
You're beautiful and I would love
to ffff-f.. |
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| |
KITTY
Only, only if you say please. |
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SAM
(Collapses)
Pretty Please to seeeee
(fades off) |
|
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Kitty picks up her mobile and we see her dialing a number. |
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| |
KITTY
It’s done come on over QUICKLY!
|
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There's a knock on her hotel room door. |
|
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|
The door opens and Jack Diamond & Amanda Storey enter the
room.
As Kitty turns and as she peels off the last of her make up,
we see it is Ceril Artes |
|
|
| |
CERIL
Boy that was close!! He is such
an awful brute. I was SO scared!
He was ready to have his way with
me!! |
|
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| |
JACK
(Striping Sam down
to his y-front’s)
It proves a point, there’s no
conscience in a standing prick.
Help me.
(throwing Sam into
bed)
Done! |
|
|
|
88.
|
| |
CERIL
He should register that as a
dangerous weapon. |
|
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JACK
Let’s get rid of his buggie
smugglers and Ceril get rid of
those falsies. |
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CERIL
Can’t I keep them!? |
|
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JACK
Not now Ceril. Get into bed with
Sam. |
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CERIL
Do I have too? He’s smells. |
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AMANDA
This was your idea!! |
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| |
JACK
(holding the
camera ready to
take the shots)
Be the disgusting Queen that you
are.. |
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| |
CERIL
Oh! Oh! It will be my pleasure! |
|
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|
Flashes of the camera taking photos of Ceril and Sam, but
these are not family portraits. |
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|
screen fades |
|
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| |
|
INT. ENTRAPMENT - DAY |
|
|
Ceril Artes breezes into Sam Goldstein's office.
Sam Goldstein is at his desk, dazed and groggy. Looks the
worst for wear. His eyes are blood shot. He has an ice pack
on his head and Alka Selzier fizzing in a glass of water. |
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| |
SAM
What the fuck do you want? |
|
|
|
89.
|
|
Ceril moves around Sam's desk to be next to him. |
|
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| |
CERIL
How's my naughty little boy? |
|
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| |
SAM
(ice pack drops to
the floor)
What the... |
|
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| |
CERIL
How's my horny little toadstool! |
|
|
|
Sam gets out of his chair and starts to move around his desk
with Ceril in pursuit |
|
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| |
CERIL
My randy little moppet. Come to me
my little premature ejaculator. |
|
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| |
SAM
(frightened)
Hey, Hey! |
|
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| |
CERIL
Come to me my little sperm bank.
My little honeycomb! |
|
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| |
SAM
Yuck, Yuck, Yuck. I'm not your
honeycomb. |
|
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SAM
What has got into you! I'm calling
the cops |
|
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| |
CERIL
Before you do call the cops, Sammy
baby, have a look at these Kodak
moments. |
|
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|
|
Pictures of Sam naked with a flower in his mouth.
Ceril kissing Sam.
Ceril sticking his tongue in Sam’s ear.
Sam being mock whipped by Ceril.
Ceril in countless embraces and positions with Sam. |
|
|
90.
|
| |
CERIL
You are such a brut for an old
guy. So horny. Oh I like that one,
don't you? You never stopped
developing as a person, really do
you? |
|
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|
| |
SAM
(totally gob
smacked)
Jesus. You are Kitty? |
|
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|
| |
CERIL
The one and only.
I am sure your corporate friends,
would like to see what sort of a
horn bag you are?Nice tush, pity about the hair,
maybe a little Brazilian wax job
would be in order. |
|
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| |
CERIL
Smile you are on candid camera.
You like? You buy? |
|
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CERIL
$28 million, the money you owe the
agency. |
|
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| |
SAM
(reaching for his
cheque book)
Done. |
|
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| |
CERIL
Plus $100,000 for the mental
anguish of seeing your unshorn
buttocks. |
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91.
|
| |
CERIL
There you are darling. |
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| |
SAM
And another thing, don't ever call
me darling again. |
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| |
CERIL
(blowing kisses)
Bye sweetie. |
|
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|
As Ceril walks towards the office door he flicks his kilt up
to reveal a picture of Sam on Ceril's under shorts with the
words "Arsehole" written over it. |
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| |
|
INT. THE WEDDING DAY - DAY |
|
|
Leaving the church, Jack and Amanda, have just been married.
Amanda throws the bouquet. Ceril Artes who is dressed in a
kilt, is the maid of honour, catches the bouquet. |
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Jack and Amanda are walking towards the waiting limousine. |
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| |
JACK
Ceril, thanks for everything. |
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| |
CERIL
It was a supreme pleasure. |
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| |
AMANDA
(kissing Ceril)
Thank you. |
|
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| |
CERIL
(start to cry)
Be off! Be off before I embarrass
myself. |
|
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|
Jack and Amanda jump into the car and wave farewell. The
number plate reads "Gazumped"
Ceril looks at the bouquet of flowers and flicks it over his
shoulder, only to be caught by a handsome young man. |
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| |
CERIL
(wiping away the
last of his tears)
Ooh! now who's a lucky lucky boy! |
|
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THE END |
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|
|
| Feedback |
| From Dieter Jebken |
Date 3/14/2007 |
|
| Funny, engaging, amusing very entertaining |
|
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