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by jill james (jilljamespdx@hotmail.com)
Rated: 
Genre: Comedy
User Review: NOT YET
RATED
SHORT
An introduction to a feature length script about Cleopatra's murdered sister Arsinoe who travels to the future to protest her death at the Office of Rewrites, Appeals and Movie Deals.
This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
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INT. CAVE IN ANCIENT EGYPT - NIGHT |
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A crazed CLEOPATRA wields an ax. She corners her younger
sister ARSINOE and chops her down. It's a bloodbath.
Cleopatra SHRIEKS in triumph, flees.
Her beautiful victim crawls over to the cave wall. She
scrawls hieroglyphics in blood.
SCREEN TITLE: "ARSINOE WAS HERE"
She dies.
Opening credits roll. |
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EXT. UNDERWORLD BONFIRE - NIGHT |
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A haggard SOOTHSAYER conducts a ritual.
Arsinoe staggers onto the scene in her blood-soaked bikini. |
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ARSINOE
I've been prematurely terminated.
And I'm still a fucking virgin.
Goddammit, would you look at my
clothes? Do you know this is real
gold? What do I do now? |
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The Soothsayer lights the traditional underworld doobie. |
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SOOTHSAYER
Go to Manhattan and find the great
wise Lee-Chin Kwan. She will help
you appeal your death. Smoke? |
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The Soothsayer gives Arsinoe some big stones with pictures
on them. She helps Arsinoe climb onto a magic carpet that
flies off into the smoky air. |
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EXT. ABC CARPET STORE, NEW YORK CITY, PRESENT DAY - DAY |
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Arsinoe, still carrying her stones, comes out of ABC Carpet
Store, dazed and confused. She is still in her kohl
eyeliner, heels and bloody bra.
She approaches some teenagers to bum a cigarette. They
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2.
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snicker and run away.
ETAN, a good-looking young man with cherub wings and a white
feather boa offers her a Virginia Slim cigarette. |
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ETAN
You've come a long way, baby. Hi.
Eton Patz. You may have
seen my picture on that milk
carton in the '70's? No? I guess
you might be from a different
'70's... Anyways, you look lost. |
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ARSINOE
I was sent here from the past to
see a Lee-Chin Kwan. These stones
show some kind of large, corporate
office and a long waiting line. |
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Etan pastes a cheap gold star in a black notebook. |
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ETAN
Oh! I can help you with that, just
sign here. So what's your story
morning glory? Come on, let's
walk. |
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ARSINOE
I'm Arsinoe. Please don't call me
Arse. Or Arson. My sister was
Cleopatra and nobody ever dared
call her Cleo....or Patty. If they
did, she would have cut their
heads off. I would know. I'm one
of her victims. |
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Arsinoe has a brief flashback. |
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EXT. FLASHBACK AT THE NILE - NIGHT |
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Several EGYPTIANS are gathered around an encampment. They
bet on a fight between a rooster and a parakeet. |
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ARSINOE (V.O.)
It all started...it all
ended I should say, on a Friday
afternoon right after the nileside
cockfight where Ra Davie's rooster
shredded Antony's parakeet into
chickenfeed. I was sitting right
on the edge of the mudpit watching
the whole fiasco. |
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3.
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RA DAVIE
C'mon you little cock rocker...
Finish him! |
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ANTONY
Go for the kill, Bluebell...
Bluebell! Oh no! |
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ARSINOE (V.O.)
Right before my eyes the stronger
butchered and slaughtered the
weaker. Everyone clapped, throwing
down their copper deben and
skipping off to drink corn liquor.
But I just sat there staring at
the bloody bird corpse, its little
caved-in bird torso collapsed like
a smashed seker-hemat ball. I
think I had a sense of my own
impending murder. I was shaking
like a peacock. |
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Arsinoe's face is full of terror. |
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RETURN TO SCENE |
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EXT. OFFICE OF REWRITES, APPLEALS AND MOVIE DEALS - DAY |
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ETAN
Don't worry. You've got your whole
afterlife ahead of you, ok? Let's
go in, we're here! |
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ARSINOE
I sure wish I had some hair spray. |
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They enter the drab, gray building. |
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INT. OFFICE OF REWRITES, APPLEALS AND MOVIE DEALS - DAY |
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A few dozen DEAD PEOPLE are waiting in lines or filling out
forms. Some have decapitated heads, burnt faces or forks in
their brains.
JONBENET RAMSEY, now a teenager, leans against a wall
smoking a cigarette and reading her tragic story in The
Enquirer.
A thrity-something Don Juan, DEAD NED checks out Jonbenet,
chugs a Yoohoo six-pack and flexes a small purple dumbbell.
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Arsinoe approaches the counter where a CLERK with dry,
cherry red hair barks out her number. |
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CLERK
Nice boob job. Ok, let's hear it. |
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ARSINOE
Assassinated. By my own sister.
Who's going to marry me now? |
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Some Dead People admire her half-naked torso. A DECAPITATED
GUY swings his head down to look at her panties. She kicks
the head out of his hands and it rolls across the floor. |
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CLERK
Go to 69 Elizabeth Street. You
have an appointment with KWAN at
2:30pm. Don't be late. You'll need
to bring this synopsis of your
story. And here's some cabfare.
Good luck, sweetheart. |
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Arsinoe takes the oversized script from the clerk and makes
her way to the exit. |
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EXT. KWAN'S LAUNDROMAT - DAY |
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Arsinoe's taxi arrives with a SCREECH. She gets her script
out of the trunk. |
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INT. KWAN'S LAUNDROMAT - DAY |
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A 20-year-old MALE STUDENT dangles from a hook in a
drycleaning bag along with his pressed suit, circling the
rack.
KWAN, a middle-aged woman with lousy teeth, argues loudly
with him while smoking a cigar and punching buttons on her
ibook. |
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KWAN
You want be writer, I make you
writer but you no say what kind
writer! I like you make cookbooks.
I think is good with you. Now, go
away! I have wok to do! Sheesh! |
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MALE STUDENT
This is outrageous! You don't care
anything for your characters!
You're a total hack, a capitalist
profiting off royalties you earned
(MORE)
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5.
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MALE STUDENT (cont'd)
for writing Ovaltine ad copy
twenty years ago. You're no
artist, you're an impostor.
And...and you're unattractive! |
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KWAN throws hot tea at the Male Student. He SCREAMS in pain.
Kwan turns to Arsinoe. |
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KWAN
What you want? Drop-off? Dry-clean
only? |
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ARSINOE
Well, I was given this
address... I'm supposed to see
Kwan about a change in the
storyline. I'd like to appeal my
assassination at the hands of my
sister. |
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KWAN
Sorry chickie. You die, you dead.
Time for noodle! |
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Kwan puts on her leather biker jacket. |
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ARSINOE
Shouldn't we get him down? |
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KWAN
He asked for be punished. He pay
me in clove cigarette. What you
pay? |
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ARSINOE
I didn't realize a barter was in
order. I have a double-headed
cobra talisman someplace.... |
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KWAN
You got any weed? Well, you pay
noodle, we talk. |
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KWAN takes some clothes out of a dryer and throws them at
Arsinoe. |
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KWAN
Think fast! Put these on. No good
you have titties hang out. Sheesh! |
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6.
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EXT. KWAN'S LAUNDROMAT - DAY |
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Two POLICEMEN are bound and gagged, tied to a
parking meter.
Kwan helps Arsinoe mount the police horse. They trot down
the street. |
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Kwan pulls out her iphone. |
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KWAN
How about this one? Your choice
vegetable noodle soup and dim
sum... Sound delicious. Hello?
Salty Dragon? Two for lunch, 10
minute. We order now. |
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ARSINOE
Um...crow and jackal fritters
please. And a diet coke. |
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INT. NED'S DINGY SINGLE ROOM - DAY |
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SCREEN TITLE: EARLIER THAT WEEK... |
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The living version of Dead Ned, ALIVE NED is on the couch.
Chinese containers - mice droppings - sticky buns -
cigarette butts.
"The Absizor" infomercial plays on television.
Alive Ned pushes aside some dirty socks to uncover a few
neglected Ho-hos. He counts them. |
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ALIVE NED
1:30... 2:30... 3:30... |
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Alarmed, he checks his pockets. |
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ALIVE NED
Where's my 4:30? My 4:30 Ho-ho is
missing! |
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FOOTSTEPS. An angry KNOCK at the door. He freezes. A female
voice slices through like a chainsaw. |
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LANDLADY (O.S.)
Your rent's late. I know you're in
there. I can hear the TV. If it's
not in my box by next week I'm
kicking you to the curb, you fat
slob! |
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7.
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Alive Ned peers through the little peephole. |
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PEEPHOLE VIEW: An orange-haired LANDLADY wearing a fuscia
bathrobe steals his mail and stuffs it in her bosom. |
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Alive Ned slumps to the floor, shaking. |
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INT. 24-HOUR DINER - NIGHT |
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Alive Ned sits alone in his booth. Hamburgers, french fries,
milkshakes, pies, puddings, grilled cheese and a Greek salad
threaten to bury him.
SHIELA and her FRIEND are exiting the diner. |
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SHIELA
Isn't that....Isn't that Ned?!
Ned, it's me Shiela from
Overfeeder's Anonymous! Are
you...in RELAPSE? Cause there's no
shame in coming back, you know. We
love you, Ned. Are you going to
eat those fries? |
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Alive Ned shoves the grilled cheese in his pocket and hails
the WAITRESS. |
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INT. STOMACH STAPLING CENTER WAITING ROOM - DAY |
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A video monitor plays before and after examples of
successful clients. An ANNOUNCER drones on in the
background. |
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ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Stomach stapling reduces the size
of the stomach from that of a
melon to just a golf ball... There
are important risks, including
possible death... Estimates are
that as many as 1 in 200 patients
will die as a result of
complications... |
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Alive Ned is talking on his cell phone while eating a
popsicle. |
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8.
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ALIVE NED
Mom, no, Ma, I'm still waiting.
No, I'm sure it's going to work..
I'm gonna pay you back, I swear.
Can you stay on the phone a little
longer Ma, please? Ok. That's a
good show, Ma, you have to watch
it. So, I'll call you later, ok?
Hello, Ma? |
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A NURSE escorts him to the operating room. |
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EXT. GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE - NIGHT |
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Alive Ned runs along the bridge, crying. He's naked.
A BIKER on his motorcycle screeches to a halt. |
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BIKER
What's wrong, man? Everything
alright? Take it easy, buddy. |
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ALIVE NED
I went off my diet! I ate! I ate
it! |
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The Biker leaves, annoyed and confused.
A musical ice cream truck drives up followed by the HOT DOG
GUY.
Alive Ned gets out his pocket money and orders. He takes all
his loot (peanut butter cups, cookies, apple pies, muffins,
potato chips, cotton candy on a stick etc.) and duct tapes
it to his body.
He prepares to jump off the bridge.
Etan runs up, adjusts his cherub wings and takes out his
black book and a tiny yellow pencil. |
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ETAN
Wait! Buddy, don't jump! |
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ETAN
Why don't you just get your
stomach stapled? |
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9.
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ALIVE NED
I did! I ate so much it popped
open! |
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ETAN
Look now, you're no Jimmy Stewart,
but you're still a human being.
And I know you wanted to finish
that screenplay you were writing,
Ned. |
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ALIVE NED
How do you know about that? Did my
mother tell you? What, do you
people wire tap my apartment? |
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ETAN
No, it's the 12-step groups.
They're not exactly confidential.
That and your therapist goes to my
gym. |
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ALIVE NED
Can't you see I'm busy here?
You're bothering me. You're like a
queer little peeping Tom. Spying
on people's misery. |
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ETAN
Death changes nothing. You can't
get your soul stapled. |
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ALIVE NED
Am i gonna be fat when i'm dead? |
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ETAN
Well, you don't get the physical
repercussions of your addictions,
but you still suffer, just in more
metaphysical ways... |
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ALIVE NED
What?! That's amazing information!
All the twinkies you can eat and
no love-handles? Why am I still
talking to you? |
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ETAN
But Ned....you'll never be Ned
again as you are now...and there
are certain unpleasant side
effects of being dead...you should
know a few things before... |
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10.
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ALIVE NED
Fuck that shit! Goodbye Etan,
baby. You can't imagine how much
you've helped me! |
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Alive Ned kisses Etan jubilantly and jumps off the bridge. |
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ETAN
NED!!!!!!!!!!!
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Etan looks down at the water then sits on a bench. He makes
a sad, black 'X' in his book and lights up a smoke.
Kwan trots onto the scene on her stolen horse. |
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KWAN
I don't know what to do about Ned.
I make fuck-up. Big fuck-up. I
think it's my English. No good.
Make too many mistake. Sheesh. |
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Kwan sits next to Etan - eats some of Alive Ned's forgotten
snacks - then trots away.
Etan jumps on the back of the Biker's motorcycle as he makes
a second pass over the bridge. |
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INT. OFFICE OF REWRITES, APPLEALS AND MOVIE DEALS - DAY |
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Arsinoe waits on line again next to Dead Ned. |
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DEAD NED
Hi there, gorgeous. I like the
look, yes I do. So, what's your
deal? Lost your sheep? I'm Ned, by
the way. Confidentially, death is
the best thing that ever happened
to me. I've lost my sense of taste
and smell, but you know....the
chicks dig me now, so who gives a
fuck... |
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ARSINOE
(smitten)
Arsinoe. Pleased to meet you. My
father has 150 prize peacocks,
Persian felines and rare frogs,
should you decide to woo me. Also,
I'm a virgin. |
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11.
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DEAD NED
Did you ever read 'Beautiful
Losers' by Leonard Cohen? |
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Jonbenet enters. |
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DEAD NED
Oh shit, will you excuse me for a
sec? |
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Dead Ned makes a bee line for Jonbenet. |
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JONBENET RAMSEY
Please! You're making me nauseous! |
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DEAD NED
Come on, look at me! I'm money
baby, pure ice. I'm solid as a
rock. 100% solid gold. I'll be
your father, your mother....what
did I say? |
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Jonbenet runs towards the bathroom. |
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INT. BATHROOM - DAY |
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Jonbenet opens the door to a bathroom stall.
MRS. RAMSEY, Jonbenet's mother, sits sweating on the toilet.
Spiders crawl all over her and her girdle is down around her
ankles. |
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JONBENET RAMSEY
Mother what are you doing here?
Why always here? |
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MRS. RAMSEY
Come in, come in Jonbenet. Look,
I brought you your favorite foods. |
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Mrs. Ramsey uncovers plates of foil-wrapped foods like
pancakes, bacon, day-old pizzas, etc.
Jonbenet turns white as a sheet. She backs away in a trance. |
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JONBENET RAMSEY
Go West, young man, go Mae West,
go away Mae West, I'm the best
dressed guest.... |
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A disheveled MR. RAMSEY, Jonbenet's father, is masturbating
by the bathroom door. |
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12.
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JONBENET RAMSEY
Excuse me, Daddy. Don't let me
disturb you. |
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MR. RAMSEY
Daddy's sorry, little angel,
Daddy's so sorry.... |
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Jonbenet exits into the library. |
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INT. LIBRARY - DAY |
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FADE OUT. |
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