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The Dude Chain
by Fish Stark (fortneyiii@aol.com)

Rated: PG   Genre: Mockumentary   User Review: ****
The nature TV show, Animals of the World, is featuring a special topic this week--an intriguing species and it's mating process. The human is an ominvore indigenous to North America with a complex system of mating, which will be documented and explained by world-renowned scientists. I'm 15; wrote this as a project for film class. Going to film it soon.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


Photos. A safari. An expidition. Animals from various parts
of the world. Cheetas, penguins, etc.
"From the wild plains of Africa..."
"...to the ice floes of Antartica..."
"...to the jungles of the Amazon..."
A spinning globe, with the title superimposed over said
"Animals of the World". Title fades out. New title:
"Narrated by Morgan Freeman". A voiceover begins--the accent
is British. Definitely not Morgan Freeman.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
Hello, my name is Dr. Reginald P.
Fraley, chair of the zoology
department at Oxford University.
Morgan Freeman is ill this week.
Subtitle: "Episode 708: The Dude Chain."
Various establishing shots of the school. A time-lapse shot
of the clouds as they pass over.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
The human is an omnivore,
indigenous to all parts of the
world, best known for being the
unsuccessful cousins of monkeys.
Dr. Tweet Wingspan, zoologist (so the subtitle says) sits in
his study. He is a bird.
                       DR. TWEET WINGSPAN
Yes, humans have a history of
failure in measuring up to their
more successful cousins, the
monkeys. An example--one day a
monkey began washing his potato in
the lake, and other monkeys
followed him until every monkey
washed his or her potato.


                       DR. TWEET WINGSPAN (cont'd)
Conversely, one day a human began
to tell the others that they were
being observed by a deity who
decided their fates in the
afterlife, but to this day roughly
fifteen percent of humans are
unconvinced. So as you can see,
monkeys have greater mammal
manipulation success rates by
fifteen percent, even without
promising eternal bliss. Also,
humans can be convinced to pay
$19.95 for a Shamwow.
More establishing shots.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
But one thing humans CAN do is
multiply. Their population has
exponentially increased over the
past few centuries. Even though
roughly five percent of this
increase is due to the efforts of
the Duggar family, humans have the
ability to mate at remarkably
frequent rates considering the
complexity of their mating
process. Today, we'll take our
viewers on a journey into the
mating process of humans.
Zach, a relatively normal guy, approaches the water cooler.
A bit of a geek or a hipster, but not in an overstated way.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
The male human begins his day with
an excursion to the watering hole.
Zach fills his cup. Madeline walks up.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
He suddenly finds himself in the
company of a female human. This is
what humans call "fate".
Scientists have clarified the
definition, in this case, to mean


                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (cont'd)
Hey, Maddy. What's up?
Oh hey Zach. Not a lot.
Zach grins at her.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
The human has mistaken her attempt
at conversation as an obvious
declaration of her love.
That's a really nice shirt you're
You think so? I just got it.
American Apparel.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
The male human has no idea what
American Apparel is. He lies,
another adaptive characteristic of
Oh yeah, I like that store. They
sell...they sell cool stuff there,
Mark appraoches the fountain--or, more accurately, saunters.
He's sort of a jerk, but doesn't know it. Madeline smiles at
him. Zach doesn't notice.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
Suddenly, a larger human male
approaches. This male is stronger
and faster than the first human
male. By the law of the species,
he has the right of way to any
prey he comes across. The weaker
human will have to wait his turn.
Hi, Mark.


You have something on your shirt.
      (looks down)
Mark flicks his finger up, hitting her in the nose.
So, uh, Maddie--
Mark notices Zach for the first time and extends a friendly
Oh, hey, what's up, bro?
Zach reluctantly bumps it.
      (to Madeline)
Are you gonna be at Josh's party
this weekend?
I was gonna tell you about this
thing I saw...
But no one is paying attention to Zach.
      (to Mark)
Oh, yeah, totally.
You need a ride?
      (perks up)
'Cause I can't give you one. Ha!
Madeline looks slightly crestfallen. Zach slinks away. The
camera follows him.


                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
The weaker male human slinks away,
realizing his place in the social
As Zach slinks away, he runs into Jenny. Jenny is in love
with Zach--almost as in love as Zach is with Madeline.
Oh! Heyyyyy, Zach!
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
The female human has been circling
the watering hole for quite some
time now, waiting for the moment
her chosen pray defects from the
pack in order to pounce.
Hey Jenny.
Watcha doin'?
He tries to move, but Jenny is blocking his way.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
The male human is cornered. There
is no escape.
How was your weekend?
Are you OK? You look sad or
I have to get to class.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
The male human, having
successfully outmaneuvered his
pursuer, takes shelter in the
nearest classroom until danger is


                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
We've asked renowned zoologist Dr.
Tweet Wingspan to give us some
information on the hierarchy
within each human herd.
                       DR. TWEET WINGSPAN
There is a commonly used sequence
to illustrate human engagement in
relationships, known in most
circles as 'The Dude Chain".
He gestures to a board behind him, where pictures have been
posted of Jenny, Zach, Madeline, and Mark, in that order.
                       DR. TWEET WINGSPAN
The chain begins with the lesser
human female, who endeavors to
pursue a romantic relationship
with her counterpart, the lesser
human male, shown here.
He gestures to Zach.
                       DR. TWEET WINGSPAN
The lesser human male, meanwhile,
endeavors to pursue a relationship
with the superior human female,
shown here. The superior human
female, meanwhile, finds herself
in a tight situation, as she
idolizes the pack's 'alpha male',
the superior human male, who is
only interested in a relationship
with the human female because it
would stroke his ego. Among other
He sets down his pointer.
                       DR. TWEET WINGSPAN
In other words, most of the people
on the chain are screwed. Or, more
tragically, not screwed.
Interview subjects are seated, against a neutral background.


Zach is...he's really just the
nicest guy I've ever met. He's
sweet, and he's funny, and he's
always. He's amazing. I really--I
really, really like him. I mean,
who could ask for more.
Everything Madeline does, it
just...it leaves me in a trance.
Rooms just change when she walks
into them. Everything just seems
brighter whenever she's around,
she's...like a goddess.
Mark is just...I really like Mark.
He's so funny. He can be really
sweet sometimes, too. He's the
best. He's...he is really cool.
      (after a beat)
Madeline is HOT.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
As we have seen, tension is
building within the group, likely
to lead to what humans call
'drama', which scientists have
termed to mean 'temporary
existential crises expressed via
ramblings on tumblr.'
Zach enters the classroom and takes a seat.


                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
The male human enters the room,
unaware that in a matter of mere
seconds he will be in a fight for
his love life.
Jenny quickly appears and takes the seat next to Zach.
Hi, Zach!
At the same time, Madeline comes in and finds a seat at the
other end of the table.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
Two female humans have entered the
room at the same time. The male
human is overwhelmed.
Hey, uh, Jenny. Whoa, I just
realized I can't see the board
from here.
Oh, you can have my notes! I can
give them to you after school.
Maybe I could come to your house
to give them to you. Maybe we
could study together.
No, I...I can't read notes.
They...I have an...eye disease.
Zach gets up and moves over to Madeline just as Mark enters
and sits down in the chair next to her.
Oh, sorry, bro.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
The male human has been
outsmarted, much to his dismay.
The female human, unaware that two
males are competing for her
attentions, projects an aura of
nonchalance. This only further
excites the two male humans.


The winter ball is coming up, and
you know what I have? Two tickets.
He continues talking as the voiceover supercedes him.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
Dances, as they are called by
humans, are an ancient ritual
where the younger humans drink
punch and physically court each
other in an attempt to annoy the
elder humans, who are also known
as 'chaperones'.
And she'll see. She'll see that
I'm the one who cares about her,
that I'll always be there, how
much she means to me. I mean, I
spent ten dollars on this ticket,
right? Ten dollars. I've got this.
(beat) Ten dollars. That's not
chump change.
Madeline is HOT!
Zach and Madeline are sitting in an empty classroom (or
someplace), making conversation.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
The human knows his time is now.
This is the pivotal moment of his
futile existance. The human is
aware of this. The human knows he
must act.
And so I was like "what"?
Madeline cracks up.


                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
The female human has unwittingly
led the male human into believing
that her laughter is a mating
call. This is what humans call a
'misunderstanding', which
scientist have termed to mean
'stupidity'. This, scientists
speculate, is the primary reason
for phenomenons such as the bridge
to nowhere, segreagation, and
Charlie Sheen.
So did you see-
Conan last night? Yes.
It was amazing, right?
I bet you loved the Will Smith
Yes! It was great! (beat) You
know, I don't think anyone
understands me like you do.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
The male human has no hope. His
fate is sealed. He is doomed.
Hey, Maddy...
Zach makes a big show of taking the tickets out of his
So...I have two tickets to the
dance this weekend...and...do you
wanna go with me?
Madeleine looks surprised.


                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
The female human prepares for a
kill. The male human is about to
meet a most pitiful death.
Oh...Zach...I'm sorry...
No, don't worry about paying me
I mean, you're such a nice guy,
and you mean a lot to me, and we
talk all the time, and you're
really special, and you're really
funny, and I like you a lot, and
we know each other really well,
and we always have great
conversations, and you're such an
amazing person...but I don't want
to go out with you.
Zach looks stunned.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
This is what humans call a
'logical impasse', which
scientists have determined is the
reason for reality television.
As if on cue, Mark walks in and sits next to Madeleine.
Hey, stupid.
Hi, Mark.
Mark motions for her to join him in his chair.
Not now.


He starts to tickle her.
Hey! Stop it! Stop it! You're a
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
The male human recognizes this
epithet as a mating call.
Mark continues to tickle her, and Madeline reluctantly
scrambles out of her chair and into his lap.
What is this?
This is my girlfriend. She makes
me sandwiches. Right?
Zach stands up and rushes out of the room, followed by the
camera. He takes the tickets from his pocket and begins to
rip them up when he is met by Jenny.
Hi Zach!
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
The male human, in his desperation
to find a mate, is forced to
create a rare imbalance in the
species. He will be one of the few
humans to go against the dude
Jenny. (beat) Do you want to go to
the dance with me.
Finally, finally, finally, Zach is
my boyfriend. It's like Christmas!


This is like Christmas, except it
SUCKS. Because Mark got a new
iPhone, and I got a slinky. I
mean, why? He treats her like
dirt! I'm actually nice to her! We
He continues to rant as the voiceover begins.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
When confronted about his lack of
sexual prowess, the male human
becomes hostile.
Mark takes gum out of his mouth and sticks it on Madeline's
clothes. He takes her hair and dangles it in front of her
eyes. He starts tickling her and won't stop.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
The male human asserts his
dominance over the female human by
acting like a jerk. This
remarkable human tradition of
acquiring things via regression
into uncivilized neanderthals is
generally recognized by scientists
as an explanation for phenomenons
such as war.
Stop it! Stop it! Come on, stop
it! You're a jerk.
The camera swivels over to Zach and Jenny, who is sitting on
his lap. She cuddles up to him.
Everything all right?
I have to use the restroom.
He stands up, dumping her off his lap, and stalks off.


Yes, it was hard rejecting Zach!
He's so nice. He's such a cool
kid...but Mark is...he's really
nice, when he's not...but anyway,
Zach is really happy with Jenny, I
think, and Jenny totally wanted
him in the first place and is
really psyched about this, so
yeah, I think I did the right
Hmm, let's see. Did she do the
right thing?
      (bends down)
Did she do the right thing? (beat)
Yeah, she did the right thing.
New day, new classroom. It's only Madeline and Zach, trying
to have a normal conversation. Madeline doesn't seem to
realize that anything's wrong with Zach, but he sure
does--and to an extreme.
And I don't know about Mark. He
can be so nice, but sometimes I
can get so fed up with him.
Well then, why don't you break up
with him?
Because...I mean when he's not
like that, he's sweet, and funny,
and...he's the best. He's the best
guy I could ever want, you know?
Zach is furious. He stands up and begins to walk out.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
Feeling threatened, the human
being makes a quick exit.


Zach, what's wrong?
My mother has cancer.
But that's not even--
Zach is gone.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
The female human being has
crippled her prey.
I don't know what's wrong with
Zach. He's been acting so weird
I don't know what's wrong with
Maddy. She's been acting so normal
I mean, he's not still feeling
weird because I wouldn't go out
with him, right? That happened,
it's in the past, he's happy now
with Jenny. I mean, he's over
that, right? Of course he is.
We're still friends. He's cool.
Does she not realize how he treats
her? I'm not perfect! But I care
about her more than he does. And
she doesn't even care, she wants
to pretend like it's normal? She
doesn't realize how much...what
did I even do? Or not to? Did I


                       ZACH (cont'd)
like her too much? Should
I...like, shrink my heart or
something? Like the Grinch? (beat)
I bet the Grinch is getting some.
Another location. Mark and Madeline are cuddling, Zach &
Jenny as well.
I need to go to the bathroom.
Mark holds her back in a hug.
No, Mark, come on.
No means yes!
Madeline shakes him off.
I'll be back in a sec.
I'll come with you!
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
The females of this species tend
to urinate in packs. No one knows
Both girls are gone, and Zach is alone with Mark. He studies
Mark's face, then suddenly jumps up furiously.
Seriously, man, seriously? You
think it's OK to treat girls like
this? (beat) It isn't!
He climbs up on the table and continues his rant as the
voiceover begins.


                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
Humans, over years of evolution,
have come to adopt the erroneous
belief that results can be
accomplished by standing on tables
and yelling angry words. The
origin of this supersition is
generally classified by scientists
as a side effect of another human
invention; the film industry.
And it isn't! You're lucky, you
know that? Really lucky. So act
like you deserve it.
Mark looks pensively at Zach. Then he removes the earbuds
from his ears.
                       DR. TWEET WINGSPAN
Now, the reaction observed by the
human is normal--it is in fact
even customary for some self-aware
humans to rebel against the
somewhat gruesome concept of human
mating. You see, birds will find a
mate by singing, but humans have
much baser and vulgar ways of
finding their mates. It's quite
remarkably, really, how refined we
birds are.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
Yes, but don't mother birds vomit
food into the mouths of their
                       DR. TWEET WINGSPAN
First of all, this is completely
irrelevant, and secondly, this is
a common misconception. I, for
instance, was raised by parents
who wished to teach me that, in
life, not everything would be
vomited into my mouth for me. I
was catching my own worms from a
tender young age. And you must
remember that much of the


                       DR. TWEET WINGSPAN (cont'd)
so-called culture humans take
credit for has been stolen from
other cultures--it is a known fact
that my species invented music.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
Yes, but is it ever a source of
resentment for your species that
blogs with pictures of birds in
funny poses are not featured as
widely as those of, say, cats and
                       DR. TWEET WINGSPAN
      (with mounting
Don't even BEGIN to speak about
the cats. I've seen the pictures
of the cats. Those cats don't want
cheeseburgers. They PRETEND to
want cheeseburgers. Those cats
aren't who they say they are.
They're posers. And the humans buy
into it! The human race is a
failure! None of them appreciate
birds. No one appreciate birds!
The only part of our species with
any recognition is the penguins!
Humanity is a disgusting, futile,
failed experiment, and our music
is always better then theirs and
always will be!
At this point he has reached near insanity. He makes a dive
at the camera; the screen goes black.
                       DR. REGINALD P. FRALEY (VO)
Join us next week for a special
feature on the homicidal
tendencies of birds of prey.
A much older Madeline talks on the phone in her office.
                       ADULT MADELINE
Hi, honey. It's Madeline. Can you
pick me up from work so that we
can get to the airport in time?
(beat) It'll be so nice to see
them all. Fifty years just flew
by, didn't it? (beat) Wonderful.


                       ADULT MADELINE (cont'd)
I'll see you at five. (beat) I
love you too, Jenny.
Roll end credits.


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From vito jennette Date 12/16/2010 ****
Really enjoyed the script...Dialog was good, refreshing to read something so well structured! The ending was a nice surprise, and the story really flowed well. Not really sure the introduction of the saga was necessary though? Fell in love with the Tweet character. Funny as hell! If you get a chance two of my scripts are posted as well. Bullycide & The Second Coming

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